after school, uee/nana, prompt 6
anonymous
June 27 2011, 07:19:07 UTC
Every day, Yoojin thinks about her day and the mistakes she's made during the course of it. At the end of the month, she thinks about the worst ones. At the end of the year, she thinks about the worst of the worst and berates herself silently, hiding it from the other girls. She sits alone when she does this. It's easier that way. If she happens to cry over spilled milk, there's no one to see it.
The other girls always joke about her being the breadwinner, the moneymaker, and she knows that it's partially true. Before Orange Caramel debuted, she made the most money whenever they weren't promoting. She did CFs and dramas and would go wherever she had to. She still remembers with shame when she was told that Birdie Buddy was being axed. It hadn't been all her fault, but it felt like it was.
When she was criticised for her looks, she had stared into the mirror, pinching at her stomach almost angrily. She had done everything she could to keep the weight off but it hadn't worked. Obviously, the problem lay with her willpower. It was that apple or that extra helping of rice or it was water weight and she was retaining. She had no one to blame but herself.
And it's the end of June now and Bekah is leaving. One by one, her belongings are disappearing into boxes or showing up among the belongings of other girls. Yoojin knows that there is no possible way that she can blame herself for this one, but she still feels as though she could have done something. Why didn't she do something, she wonders. If she had only tried to be more comforting when Bekah was homesick, like Jungah and Gahee and even Jinah, then maybe she wouldn't be leaving.
"Unnie."
Yoojin looks up, her thoughts disrupted, and blinks at Jinah. "Hi."
Jinah sits beside her, their arms touching. The night air is chilly and neither of them have thick enough clothes on, but Jinah has been inside and Yoojin can feel the heat of Jinah's skin under her cardigan. She doesn't ask how Jinah found her or if she was looking for her to begin with, she only looks up at the sky and tries to spot stars against the glaring lights of Seoul. It's comfortable, because Jinah doesn't push her the way Sooyoung would. She doesn't gently pry like Gahee or Jungah or Jooyeon or Hyerin. She doesn't ask innocent questions that sting like Yiyoung. She doesn't offer comfort, but Yoojin doesn't expect her to.
It's quiet, the only noises coming from Bekah moving boxes from one room of the dormitory to another and Yiyoung practicing on her guitar until one of the older girls sends her home.
When Jinah eventually speaks, Yoojin is surprised enough that she tenses, and Jinah lays a hand over her own in order to soothe her. "You'll miss her too, won't you, unnie?"
Yoojin nods, not trusting her voice, but Jinah isn't looking. So she struggles and swallows the lump in her throat. "I will." She knows Jinah isn't an invasive type, so she continues, "I wonder if we could have done anything."
Jinah looks at her, a thoughtful expression on her face. After a moment, a small smile replaces it and Yoojin can't find the words to describe it. It's sad, yet resigned, and it's something Yoojin had never imagined she would see on Jinah. "No. Bekah-unnie was homesick. I don't think we could have fixed that. I know she loves us, unnie, but we're not home."
"Maybe we could have been if we tried harder."
Jinah shakes her head. "It doesn't work like that. We can't blame ourselves. Going home will make her happy. We want her to be happy, unnie."
Yoojin nods dumbly. She hadn't considered Bekah's own feelings about leaving, she'd only thought about what she could have done and what she didn't do and all the mistakes she made. "Yeah."
Jinah curls her fingers around Yoojin's and settles her head on Yoojin's shoulder, eyes fluttering shut. "Let's be happy for her."
"Yeah..." Yoojin echoes her previous affirmation, looking at the sky again. Against the glare of the city lights, she finds a single star, shining bright and strong. And mentally, she strikes "Bekah leaving" from her monthly list of faults.
The other girls always joke about her being the breadwinner, the moneymaker, and she knows that it's partially true. Before Orange Caramel debuted, she made the most money whenever they weren't promoting. She did CFs and dramas and would go wherever she had to. She still remembers with shame when she was told that Birdie Buddy was being axed. It hadn't been all her fault, but it felt like it was.
When she was criticised for her looks, she had stared into the mirror, pinching at her stomach almost angrily. She had done everything she could to keep the weight off but it hadn't worked. Obviously, the problem lay with her willpower. It was that apple or that extra helping of rice or it was water weight and she was retaining. She had no one to blame but herself.
And it's the end of June now and Bekah is leaving. One by one, her belongings are disappearing into boxes or showing up among the belongings of other girls. Yoojin knows that there is no possible way that she can blame herself for this one, but she still feels as though she could have done something. Why didn't she do something, she wonders. If she had only tried to be more comforting when Bekah was homesick, like Jungah and Gahee and even Jinah, then maybe she wouldn't be leaving.
"Unnie."
Yoojin looks up, her thoughts disrupted, and blinks at Jinah. "Hi."
Jinah sits beside her, their arms touching. The night air is chilly and neither of them have thick enough clothes on, but Jinah has been inside and Yoojin can feel the heat of Jinah's skin under her cardigan. She doesn't ask how Jinah found her or if she was looking for her to begin with, she only looks up at the sky and tries to spot stars against the glaring lights of Seoul. It's comfortable, because Jinah doesn't push her the way Sooyoung would. She doesn't gently pry like Gahee or Jungah or Jooyeon or Hyerin. She doesn't ask innocent questions that sting like Yiyoung. She doesn't offer comfort, but Yoojin doesn't expect her to.
It's quiet, the only noises coming from Bekah moving boxes from one room of the dormitory to another and Yiyoung practicing on her guitar until one of the older girls sends her home.
When Jinah eventually speaks, Yoojin is surprised enough that she tenses, and Jinah lays a hand over her own in order to soothe her. "You'll miss her too, won't you, unnie?"
Yoojin nods, not trusting her voice, but Jinah isn't looking. So she struggles and swallows the lump in her throat. "I will." She knows Jinah isn't an invasive type, so she continues, "I wonder if we could have done anything."
Jinah looks at her, a thoughtful expression on her face. After a moment, a small smile replaces it and Yoojin can't find the words to describe it. It's sad, yet resigned, and it's something Yoojin had never imagined she would see on Jinah. "No. Bekah-unnie was homesick. I don't think we could have fixed that. I know she loves us, unnie, but we're not home."
"Maybe we could have been if we tried harder."
Jinah shakes her head. "It doesn't work like that. We can't blame ourselves. Going home will make her happy. We want her to be happy, unnie."
Yoojin nods dumbly. She hadn't considered Bekah's own feelings about leaving, she'd only thought about what she could have done and what she didn't do and all the mistakes she made. "Yeah."
Jinah curls her fingers around Yoojin's and settles her head on Yoojin's shoulder, eyes fluttering shut. "Let's be happy for her."
"Yeah..." Yoojin echoes her previous affirmation, looking at the sky again. Against the glare of the city lights, she finds a single star, shining bright and strong. And mentally, she strikes "Bekah leaving" from her monthly list of faults.
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