Round 28: Flight Risk (Countdown) (Part 2/2)
Previous
07:12:32
“Do you want to swap seats?”
So after Amber, it’s Sunyoung.
Jinri looks up at Sunyoung and shakes her head, smiling. “It’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” Sunyoung looks at Song Qian, who’s watching some Chinese drama on her personal inflight screen, headphones clamped over her ears. Normally Song Qian and Jinri would be sharing earphones and watching the same show or talking or something, but it’s like Song Qian wanted Jinri to sit next to her today just to keep her silence. “Did you two fight?”
“We didn’t fight,” Jinri says. Again, technically, it’s the truth. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Well, you should get some sleep,” Sunyoung says hesitantly. She purses her lips. “We’re going to start filming our plane scenes in a couple of hours, and your eyebags are terrible.”
“I will,” Jinri says. Sunyoung lingers for a moment longer before she nods and heads back to her seat.
Jinri takes her hand mirror and examines her eyes. They’re kind of bloodshot and puffy, and the skin below them showing signs of blue and purple. She laughs silently to herself, pulling the blanket currently over her legs up to her neck and closing her eyes. Sleep would really do her good, but she doesn’t know if she can calm down enough to get any meaningful rest, especially on a plane.
And this certainly isn’t the first sleepless week she’s had.
+++
When Amber comes back with a refreshed mindset and a fire in her eyes that hadn’t been there before, things slowly start pulling together again.
“I’m sorry I worried you all,” she mumbles, and for a while, Jinri can’t get used to the fact that they’re going to be promoting as five again, as if nothing had happened, yet again. That’s how SM likes to do things. Quietly. As if nothing had happened. Sweep it under the rug.
At least now, maybe Sunyoung would quieten down about Nichkhun, Jinri thinks. Sunyoung always teased Song Qian about Nichkhun, constantly calling him ‘appa’ and exaggerating everything. She’s a naturally exuberant person, true, but it’s almost like she got louder to compensate for the very gaping hole Amber left. That was how Sunyoung dealt with things. Jinri didn’t blame her. She just didn’t like it.
Jinri’s first truly sleepless week is after Victoria and Nichkhun’s One Year Anniversary.
The filming takes a lot longer than they’d expected, with both Song Qian and Amber (as the special guest) heading to Yeouido specifically for the wedding event, and they come back with bags of Yeouido’s specialty foods for the members-as well as a myriad of ‘wedding photos’.
“Umma is so beautiful,” Soojung remarks, sprawled on the sofa, having joined them at the dorm for the night. “You look just like a real couple.”
“What if you actually got married?” Sunyoung jokes, winking and nudging Song Qian. Song Qian laughs, sitting down next to Jinri on the couch, and shrugs.
“He doesn’t like girls,” Song Qian says.
Soojung stops giggling. The dorm goes quiet. Song Qian looks at them quizzically.
“He...likes guys?” Sunyoung asks.
Song Qian nods. “He told me at the after-filming party. He had a couple of drinks. Hey, you can’t spread this around, you know that, right?”
Soojung pulls a face. “Yeah, we know, we’re not idiots. God,” she continues. “I kind of got that vibe from him. That’s really creepy.”
“What’s creepy?” Amber asks.
“That he doesn’t like girls?” Jinri asks quietly.
“Well,” Sunyoung says, contemplating, “I’d feel uncomfortable if I were in his group after finding out. Wouldn’t you feel weird around us if any of us said we liked girls?” She motions to Amber. “I mean, I know the fans love it and we do it for fanservice, but...Amber, you like guys right?”
Amber laughs and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, I just look like a boy sometimes.”
“But it’s still weird for real,” Soojung pipes in, scrunching up her nose. “It’s not normal.”
It’s not normal.
Jinri can’t sleep that night. She hugs her dog plushie tight to her, trying not to zone in on the sounds of Song Qian’s steady breathing. In, out. In, out. In, a slight hum, a moan-
It’s not right.
It’s not right.
It’s not normal.
Jinri thinks about all the times that she’s imagined Song Qian in bed next to her, touching her, kissing her, undressing her, and she feels so dirty. She thinks of all the times that she’s touched herself there, Song Qian’s arms, thighs, breasts, flashing in front of her eyes, and she could almost believe that she’s a monster.
The next night is the same.
And the night after that.
And after that.
Heechul’s busy with some upcoming duo project, but Jinri knows that being Heechul, he’ll always find some time to play. SM have loosened their leash on him (or more like Heechul’s got them playing into his hand) so things could either turn out really good or really bad.
But they’ll always be very, very interesting.
Jinri ends up in a karaoke room with the entire cast of Heechul and Jungmo’s M&D MV, a plethora of drinks and snacks laid out on the table in front of them.
“I thought I told you to take me somewhere nice,” Jinri says, half amused. Heechul sticks out his tongue. “But I guess this is alright.”
“Soju?” Hongki asks, pouring the alcohol into a shotglass. Jonghoon beside him looks on with amusement as Jinri accepts it and downs it in one shot. “Whoa, we got ourselves a drinker!”
“Don’t eat the glass,” Junhyung jokes, and Jinri makes a face at him.
“Hey, lay off the kid,” Jia says, putting an arm around Jinri and pulling her away from the rowdy boys. She smells nice. Her Korean is accented.
It reminds Jinri of Song Qian’s.
The feel of Jia’s skin on the nape of her neck, the press of her dancer’s body against Jinri’s, the curve of her breasts pressing right against Jinri’s side.
Jinri feels disgusted at herself all over again.
She’s surrounded by all these people, and she’s meant to be forgetting everything and just having a good time, but right now, she feels like she’s in a dark room by herself, all alone, and the shadows are swallowing her up.
“Hey, don’t drink so much,” Heechul warns Jinri under his breath as the rest of them start belting along to Jo Sungmo’s songs. “You still have to go back to the company.”
“Fuck the company,” Jinri says sullenly. She takes an entire bottle of soju and starts swigging from it. Heechul looks on in some concern and, when she doesn’t stop, wrestles the bottle away from her. “Fuck Sunyoung. Fuck Soojung. Fuck it!”
Heechul frowns. “What’s wrong? Jinri, you’re being weird.”
“Because I am weird.” Jinri says bitterly. “Just let me do what I want tonight.” Jinri’s no longer a little girl. Jinri’s growing up, and there are things that she wants, but these are things that she feels so ashamed of wanting.
“Jinri.” Heechul’s voice is low and warning. Simon D hoots in the background, a loud trot song coming on. “Jinri, you’re drunk. Maybe you should go back to the dorms.”
“I don’t want to go back to the dorms.” Jinri hiccups. “I don’t want to. Don’t make me.”
Heechul sighs, takes Jinri by the arm and drags her out of the karaoke room, unnoticed. The silence rings and echoes in Jinri’s ears. Her world’s going blurry and spinny and she can just make out Heechul’s face in front of hers.
“Oppa,” she hears herself saying. “Oppa, can you kiss me?”
“Jinri.” Heechul takes Jinri by the shoulders. “Hey, look at me. Don’t do this. Don’t do this, you don’t seem to be yourself. I’m taking you back.”
Jinri stumbles into Heechul, her lips making contact with his. Heechul staggers backwards, caught off balance, and he slams against the opposite corridor wall. Jinri presses into him harder, parting her lips, wanting to find some kind of reaction from him, from herself.
Jinri’s no longer a little girl.
But this still doesn’t feel right.
“Jinri!” Heechul breaks off the kiss, his hand pushing her shoulder firmly away. “What’s going on with you?”
“Do you think I’m a kid, too?” Jinri stumbles so that her back is pressed against the wall, and she slides down until she’s crouching.
Heechul lets out a bark of laughter and sits down next to Jinri. “I’ve watched you grow up. It’s hard not to.”
Jinri smiles, head spinning. “She probably thinks I’m one, too.”
Heechul cocks his head to one side. “Who?”
“Vic-unni.” Jinri looks up to the ceiling. “I’ve been sharing a room with her since I was thirteen. That’s a long time.” She pauses. Hongki’s high note echoes through the corridor. “I like her.”
“That’s good. I like my members too,” Heechul says back. He scrunches up his nose. “Sometimes.”
Jinri shakes her head and looks into Heechul’s eyes. “No, not that like. Like...” Her throat goes dry. “Like the ‘I’m in love with her’ like.”
Heechul freezes up next to her.
“Jinri,” he says very slowly. “I’m only going to say this once. Stop it while you can. It’s not worth it. You’ll only get hurt.”
“I’ve tried.” Jinri curls up into a ball. “Kissing you. Both times. It’s...” She looks back at Heechul, a new desperation in her eyes. “It’s not something I have a choice in.”
“I know.” Heechul lets out a bark of laughter, a wistful look on his face. “Well then. You’ll just have to fall like I did.” His gaze darkens. “Trust me, it hurts.”
“I want to change rooms,” Jinri says to Amber the next morning, when it’s just them two at the breakfast table. “You share a room with Vic-unni and I’ll room with Sunyoung-unni.”
“But...” Amber furrows her eyebrows, putting her spoon back into her bowl. “I-are you sure you want to room with Sunyoung? I mean, you two...”
Jinri smiles. “We have to learn to get along sometime, right?”
Better this kind of tension than that.
+++
To: milky skin hee-oppa
just...oppa, you told me before, that you’ve had moments where people looked at you strangely, right? because you were different...oppa, what if the one person you ever loved thought that too?
03:00:00
Jinri wakes to the sound of her phone vibrating and playing an alarm melody. She rubs her eyes. Four hours. Sleeping medication always works quite well on her.
Jinri’s eyes fall naturally on Song Qian, who’s curled up in a strange position, legs tucked at an awkward angle that only she could manage and feel comfortable in. Jinri can’t help but smile. That was what happened every time. She’d go to bed in a normal pose and end up twisted like a pretzel.
Beeeeeep.
Right. Jinri turns off her alarm. Time to go back to dorm~ say bye to baby bro~ it says. Apparently, it’s repeating last week’s friendly reminder-which she hadn’t heeded at all. She’d stayed there in Busan with her family one day more, just because she’d been terrified of coming back and facing what she’d left.
But they had schedules, and while Jinri wanted to run away, she wasn’t utterly irresponsible.
The bottle of sleeping pills is tucked nicely into the side of Jinri’s bag, in the carrier below her feet. Jinri stares at it for a while longer. She sighs. She’s barely nineteen. She shouldn’t need these for a good night’s sleep.
But, she thinks, remembering the cocktail of rainbow medication she’d seen Taeyeon take an hour before SNSD’s Dream Concert live stage, it could be much worse.
+++
Milk Club.
It sounds as dumb as fuck. Like a playgroup meant for pre-school kids. Maybe two years ago when Jungsoo had posted that article online, Jinri wouldn’t have understood, but now Jinri is very well aware of what it’s for.
“It’s for those people who believe in monsters,” Heechul tells her jokingly. “Scary monsters who come and swallow you up in the dark of the night when you’re all alone and defenseless.”
Jinri laughs and lies down next to Heechul, looking up at the clouds. There’s no Squirtle anymore. She’s long grown out of those days. “I’m not a kid anymore,” she jibes back. “I don’t believe in that stuff.”
Heechul shakes his head. “I’m not talking about the ones in children’s books and fairytales,” he says softly. “You know. I’m talking about the monsters that live here.” Heechul taps his chest. “Inside us.”
Jinri goes cold.
“And sometimes,” Heechul continues, eyes misting over, “they win. For Taeyeon, for Yoona, and for Jinki too.”
“Which is why you need to keep fighting them off,” Jinri nods. Milk Club: the brave warriors desperately trying to fend off the ghastly creatures lurking inside them, refusing to leave. “Which is why Jungsoo-oppa gathered you all together.”
“I’m not really a part of them,” Heechul says. “At least, not officially.”
But it goes unsaid: they’re all in the same boat. Different shapes and sizes, some sailing on rougher seas, some sturdier than others, but one thing is the same-there’s a dark creature lurking underneath the surface waiting for the chance to drag them down.
Maybe Jinri has a boat on that sea, too.
Heechul enlists in the army in September. Jinri’s sadder than she thought she’d be. She’s lost one of her best friends and her best confidant. “Do well, oppa,” she says at the farewell, and hugs him. She hands him a present, wrapped in red wrapping. She’d spent hours at the bookstore just picking this book out. “I’ll miss you.”
Song Qian leaves for Taiwan in January. It’s for a drama filming, and f(x) don’t have anything planned for them for quite a while, shafted to the side by SM’s new boyband extravaganza. “They really went overboard this time,” Heechul remarks over the phone. “Even Super Junior didn’t get a budget like that.”
“I guess I know where they’re spending all our promotion money,” Jinri half-jokes. She goes quiet. “Oppa, do you have a free day soon?”
Heechul looks funny with short hair. Jinri giggles a little as she feels it, running her hands through the short fuzz, and they head into the cinema.
Jinri can’t even pay attention to the movie because all she’s doing is replacing the main characters with herself and Song Qian. Heechul obviously notices, because later when they’re at the café, he stares at Jinri with an amused smile.
“Are you still indulging in your fantasies?”
Jinri shoots Heechul a dirty look. “Vic-unni’s in Taiwan. I haven’t seen her in a week.”
“And I haven’t seen him in three years.” The side of Heechul’s lip curls up. “He might be in Taiwan too. Who knows.”
Jinri laughs, looking into her drink. Heechul had been affected in a bad way, so much that he avoided all unnecessary human interaction for a better part of a year. “Oppa, how did you know...?”
“What?” Heechul sits back. “That I was gay?”
Jinri cringes at his blunt words, looking around frantically to make sure no one has overheard them. She lowers his voice. “Yes, how did you know you were...you...didn’t like girls?”
Heechul shrugs. “I didn’t think about it. I don’t know. I don’t like people for their gender. I like them because they’re people. He was the most special person to me. He just happened to be a he.”
Jinri hesitates. “Did you love him?”
“I still do.” Jinri bites her lip and looks at Heechul expectantly. Heechul looks back, eyes narrowed. “You want to know how I knew, right?” Jinri nods. “Well,” Heechul says, taking her hand in his. He pauses for a moment, thoughtful. “You know when you want to explain something, but you just can’t, because no words seem to describe it quite the way you want?”
Jinri nods.
“It’s-it’s kind of like this.” Heechul lets out a puff of air. “Maybe there are people in your life. Some you don’t really care about, some you keep at a distance, but then there are the few people you let see all of you. Then, one day, you realise you’ve gotten to a point that when they hurt, you hurt too, and you just want to make the pain stop, no matter what.”
Jinri closes her eyes and thinks back to a morning in June, the day after Amber left on a plane, Song Qian’s eyes red-rimmed, and a lump forms in her throat.
“And you would do anything to make them happy, even if their happiness meant letting them go,” Heechul finishes. He’s tearing up, and Jinri’s tearing up now, too. He shakes his head, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand and giving a little laugh.
“That’s love.”
+++
From: milky skin hee-oppa
did that happen to you? jinri-yah, don’t think too much about it, remember the end of the book the girl finds the red tree in her room, right? even if it seems dark, there is hope...
02:13:44
“You’ll each have different activities to do. This is kind of like an adventure trip, and the first things we have for you are...” Their manager shuffles the papers around, pursing his lips.
The five of them are rubbing the sleep from their eyes, gathered around at the manager’s seat, listening as he explains their itinerary for Amazing f(x). It’s an adventure show. They have to do daring things and challenge themselves. They spent an hour in the practise room just filming themselves going through the lists, but they have no idea what their final activities will be until they’re approved by production.
“Sunyoung, Soojung, you two are going skydiving as your first activity.”
Sunyoung’s mouth drops open into an ‘O’ shape, and Soojung looks kind of apprehensive. They exchange looks, and then look back at the manager. “Skydiving?” Sunyoung asks, barely able to hide her excitement. “Today?”
Their manager shakes his head. “Tomorrow, during the day. There might also be bungee jumping sometime later. New Zealand has one of the highest bungee jumps in the world. Jinri, Victoria, you two are scheduled for horseback riding tomorrow.”
Jinri looks at Song Qian the same time Song Qian turns to look at her, and their eyes meet for a split second before Jinri tears her gaze away. She nods. “Okay.”
“Amber, we don’t have anything for you yet, but the production crew in New Zealand will let us know when we land. Maybe you’ll go sheep-shearing?”
Amber grins. “It would be even better if I was going llama-shearing. But that sounds fun.”
“Okay.” Their manager puts the itinerary back into his file holder, taking out five sheets of paper and handing a sheet to each of them. “We still have the plane section to film, so all of you go get your faces washed up and put on some makeup, then go over this script a few times.”
+++
Script reading has always been one of Jinri’s strengths. How could it not, after years of training at acting academies in both Busan and Seoul, even before she’d graduated elementary school? They’d been made to read scripts in 5 minutes, then act them back as far as they could remember, and improvise when they couldn’t remember. It was a basic skill.
But Song Qian always makes Jinri forget her lines.
It happened when they were filming f(x) Koala, too. The cut hadn’t made it to air, but they were in Paris, the City of Love, at the Eiffel Tower, and Song Qian and Jinri were meant to be explaining to the viewers what was special about France.
Song Qian catches Jinri’s eye in the middle of a sentence, and Jinri’s mind goes blank.
“We have to film that part again,” the videographer says, and Jinri nods and bows in apology, careful to avoid looking at Song Qian the second time around.
It happened again when f(x) were special guests on We Got Married.
Song Qian and Nichkhun gazing at each other, Song Qian’s aegyo out in full force. As much as Jinri knew that Song Qian didn’t like Nichkhun-and very obviously, Nichkhun didn’t like her back-her mind still goes completely blank.
“Jinri!” Sunyoung hisses off-camera, nudging her. “We’re meant to join them now. Say your line!”
Jinri’s normally good at this, but Song Qian makes her forget everything.
Only Song Qian could do that.
+++
To: milky skin hee-oppa
i’m scared, oppa. i’m scared i’ll be pushed away. i’m scared there won’t be a red tree for me.
01:01:20
“We’re going to land in New Zealand in an hour!” Amber grins at the handheld video camera, making the same goofy expression she always does when she’s joking around. “I’ll be in the same land as my llama relatives.”
“Doesn’t she look like a llama?” Sunyoung pipes in, squashing herself so she’s in the camera frame as well. “Llamber.”
Jinri smiles, standing up to join them. The script says it’s her time to come in. She’s determined not to lose concentration this time. “Unni-deul are playing in front of the camera,” she says, voice perky and bright, pushing herself in between Amber and Sunyoung, making a funny face. “We’re on a plane right now, look, isn’t it nice? I’ve been watching dramas all flight.”
Amber takes the camera and points it towards Soojung, who makes a peace sign motion and grins from her seat. She pans it over to Song Qian, who peeks out from underneath her black, square-rimmed glasses and places a hand to her face, making a surprised face. “Krystal and Victoria-unni. They’ve been sleeping the whole flight.”
“Hey!” Soojung protests. “You were asleep longer than me!”
Jinri turns to sit back down in her seat, tuning out as Amber and Soojung proceed onto their ‘English language’ section. To the fans it would seem natural, but it’s all very, very planned out.
“Jinri.”
Jinri freezes, standing in front of her seat, Song Qian looking straight at her.
“U-unni.”
The corner of Song Qian’s lips twitches upwards. “Jinri-yah, I think-”
Song Qian’s words are cut off as Jinri stumbles and hurtles straight into Song Qian’s lap at that moment, because the plane’s just lurched horribly. Jinri’s heart is beating so hard. She’s clutched onto Song Qian’s hand inadvertently. The plane lurches again, and Jinri squeezes her eyes shut, squeezes Song Qian’s hand tighter, not caring anymore.
“Attention passengers,” the crackly speakers boom out. “We have encountered some turbulence due to a tropical storm. We advise all passengers to return to their seats, ensure the window flap is closed, and secure your seatbelt. Do not leave your seat until the red light overhead indicates you may do so.”
“Hey, Jinri, seatbelt,” Song Qian says gently, fastening the seatbelt around Jinri. Jinri swallows and nods, feeling her pulse still racing and her hands go clammy. She’s not good with turbulence. It feels like a huge beast has taken hold of the plane and is swinging it around in its huge hands.
It feels like an eternity before the turbulence finally calms.
Jinri opens her eyes and raises her head when the shuddering and lurching seems to have returned to smooth flight.
“We have passed through the storm,” the announcer crackles. “We will be arriving at Auckland in approximately half an hour. The temperature is 19 degrees, with chance of rain. Passengers are encouraged to...”
“We need to talk,” Song Qian says to Jinri. Jinri blinks at Song Qian, and Song Qian holds up her own hand, still connected to Jinri’s. Jinri lets out a gasp, then jerks and snatches her hand away, just remembering that she’d been gripping onto Song Qian like a vice.
Song Qian reaches for her hand again and stands up, pulling Jinri up from her seat. “Jinri, let’s talk.”
Choi Jinri’s tried to run away exactly three times before.
The first had been when the SM suddenly told her that she’d be put into an idol group.
(She owes it to Song Qian for keeping her there that time.)
The second had been the night out with Heechul and the rest of his Chocoball crew-surrounded by people but feeling utterly alone.
(She owes it to Heechul for keeping her there that time. )
The third had been a week ago, right before she’d left the dorms to go back to Busan for her birthday.
It would’ve been so easy to just stay in Busan and not return. But no matter how much she thought about it, she couldn’t leave without hearing a reply.
And now that she’s about to hear it, she wants to run away for the fourth.
(Too bad she’s on a plane.)
+++
“Happy birthday for tomorrow!”
Jinri laughs into her phone. She puts down the nail polish she’s been playing with and walks out of the store and back to the dorm, pulling her hat down low and her scarf up. “Thanks, Minho-oppa. I wasn’t expecting you to call.”
“Hey,” Minho says, “why can’t I call my dongsaeng to wish her a happy birthday? You’re going back to Busan to celebrate, right?”
“Mhm. I haven’t seen my family in a really long time,” Jinri explains. Minho makes a long ‘ohhhhh’ sound, and Jinri narrows her eyes, amused. No wonder Minho suddenly called out of nowhere. “Oppa, are you drunk?”
“I’m with Hyunwoo and a couple of others,” Minho explains, hiccuping slightly. “We’re having a night out!” Jinri tsks. There’s a pause and some shuffling on the other side of the line. “By the way, if he asks, I wasn’t the one who told you-but Hyunwoo, I think he’s still interested in you.”
Jinri presses her lips together. Hyunwoo’s sweet, but... “That's nice, oppa, but I'm not interested-”
Jinri stops in the middle of the road, mid-sentence, rooted to the spot. She’s outside the restaurant hidden away in the corner next to the SM dorms, on SM property, where all the trainees and artists go to eat to avoid the public eye. They’re offering 8,000 won Samgyupsal today, but that’s not what catches Jinri’s eye.
Song Qian, food in front of her, holding her spoon to her mouth cutely and laughing. The waiter moves out of the way to reveal the person sitting on the other side.
Changmin.
“Ch-Changmin-oppa...” Jinri chokes out. She shakes her head. She wasn’t aware that it was possible to feel so much physical pain in her chest from simply seeing something, but now she is. Minho grunts questioningly on the other side. “Ah-I just...saw Changmin-oppa...and Vic-unni...”
“Ahhhhh.” Minho hoots. “So Changmin-hyung made his move.”
“He...” Jinri’s head spins. “He made his move? He...” She swallows. “He likes Vic-unni?”
Minho chuckles. “He has for a while.”
Jinri keeps staring. Changmin makes a funny face, and Song Qian laughs, covering her mouth with her hand. She looks so...happy. Relaxed. Jinri’s never seen that expression on Song Qian before, ever.
“It seems like she likes him back,” Jinri says quietly. “Hey, oppa? I’ve got to go. Have fun with Hyunwoo and the others tonight.”
Her hand drops limply to her side, phone almost sliding out of her grip. She’s taking this harder than she thought she would. Get a grip, Jinri, it could never be you in Changmin’s spot. You’re a kid in Song Qian’s eyes.
Song Qian looks out the window. Their eyes meet. Jinri’s heart seizes for a frightening moment, and then she tears her eyes away, running down the street back to the dorms.
“Hey!”
It’s Song Qian, running after her. Jinri doesn’t want to talk to Song Qian, not now. She picks up her pace. Song Qian catches up and places a hand on Jinri’s shoulder. “Hey! Jinri, slow down.”
“Unni,” Jinri pants, out of breath and too tired to keep running. Song Qian’s always been the fittest one. “Go back, I don’t want to disturb your date-”
“Don’t be silly, he can wait,” Song Qian says. She’s holding something in her other hand. She presses it to Jinri with a grin. “Happy birthday, Jinri-yah, since I won’t be able to see you tomorrow.”
Suddenly, it’s all too much. The one-sidedness. The date she just intruded upon. The present. How nice Song Qian is being to her. The tears Jinri’s been holding back come out full force, and Song Qian looks on in mild shock as Jinri starts spontaneously crying.
“What’s wrong?” Song Qian asks. She leans closer to Jinri, wiping away a tear with her finger. “Jinri-yah, what-”
Jinri steps forward and presses her lips to Song Qian’s. She closes her eyes. She can taste her own tears.
Her eyes flutter open as Song Qian pushes her away, a hand flying to her lips. Song Qian looks utterly speechless. Jinri can still see the afterimage of her kiss burning into the back of her brain, blurry through her tears.
“I-I’m sorry,” Jinri mutters, stumbling backwards. “Forget I did that. Just-forget everything.”
Jinri expects Song Qian to take a step, two steps back, run away in disgust, but instead, Song Qian steps forward. “Don’t be like this, Jinri-yah, what’s wrong? Why are you suddenly acting like this? Talk to me.”
“What’s wrong,” Jinri chokes out, backing away, “is that I’m in love with you.”
She runs away before there’s time for Song Qian to respond. She doesn’t think she could handle it, not now.
This time, Song Qian doesn’t chase after her.
+++
From: milky skin hee-oppa
there will be, trust me. you can’t let the monsters win!!!
00:35:11
“Why did you run?”
The airplane bathroom smells like lavender. It makes Jinri’s stomach churn. Jinri is pressed against the edge of the sink, and Song Qian is leaning on the closed door, facing her. There’s less than half a metre’s space between them.
Jinri looks away. The loose thread of her shirt suddenly seems so fascinating again. She curls it around her finger. “I came back, didn’t I?” I almost didn’t.
“You did, and I’m glad.” Song Qian takes in a long breath. “Jinri-yah, that night-”
“It was a mistake,” Jinri says. She doesn’t dare to make eye contact. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it, it won’t happen again-”
“It doesn’t matter,” Song Qian finishes. “There’s no should have or shouldn’t have, it happened, and that’s that. But Jinri, why did you run away so fast...?”
“Unni,” Jinri says slowly. She looks up. “Do you remember when you told us that Nichkhun-oppa was gay?”
“I-” Song Qian nods. “I do.”
“And you remember what Sunyoung and Soojung said? ‘It’s not normal’. Unni, I liked you then, too, and it just...it just felt like they were telling me I wasn’t normal. That there was something wrong with me.” Jinri looks away again. “That’s why I ran. I was scared that you’d think that way too. That I was a monster.”
Song Qian exhales, as if processing everything, then wraps her arms around Jinri and brings her into a tight hug. “You silly girl. How could I ever think that?”
Jinri’s eyes prickle again with tears. “I don’t know, I was just scared.”
“I have something to confess too,” Song Qian says. “Actually, I’ve known for a long time, but I didn’t want to bring it up first.”
“H-how?” Jinri stutters. “I tried to hide it-”
“Jinri-yah, I’ve known you since you were thirteen. I’ve roomed with you for years. I’m not that unobservant.” Song Qian pulls away, taking Jinri by the shoulders and looking into her eyes. “But Jinri-yah, what you want, I can’t give it to you.”
Jinri nods. This-this is more than enough. “You don’t have to like me back, unni.” Jinri tries a smile. “Just don’t push me away.”
“You’re a good kid, Jinri.” Song Qian smiles and ruffles her hair. “You’ll find a girl who can give you happiness.”
“Attention passengers,” the speaker blares, and both Jinri and Song Qian jump, jolted back to reality. “We are preparing for touchdown. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.”
“Well,” Song Qian says. “We better go back. Let’s enjoy New Zealand, hmm?”
+++
From: milky skin hee-oppa
...jinri? are you there?
00:05:12
It’s 7:54PM on April the 8th, 2013.
Well, it’s actually 10:54PM, because she’s on the other side of the world now, breathing the fresh air of New Zealand. She tenses her finger around the loose thread of her shirt and tugs as the pilot announces touchdown. It snaps off, and Jinri rubs it into a ball and tosses it to the ground. Song Qian gives her hand a comforting squeeze as the plane wheels hit the ground, sending a shudder through the plane.
And for the first time in her life, she doesn’t feel afraid. She doesn’t feel ashamed of herself for feeling this way, because it’s okay.
“Make sure you collect the correct luggage from the conveyor!” their manager reminds them as they file out of the plane, handheld bags in tow behind them.
“So,” Sunyoung asks, pointing a camera at Jinri. “We’re in New Zealand! How are you feeling?”
Jinri smiles back, a feeling of calm washing over her. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”
It’s still a Monday. It’s been less than twelve hours, but Jinri feels like she’s just sailed through twelve years of memories and come out of the other side safe from that creature in the sea.
+++
There are three types of monsters in the world.
The first, Jinri vanquished when she was a child, along with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
The second, Jinri can’t possibly vanquish, but she can learn to build a shield around herself and not let them attack her.
And the third, Jinri vanquished today.
+++
To: milky skin hee-oppa~
oppa, you’re right. i can’t let them win. i’ve landed in new zealand...it’s autumn here. i could see red trees from the window as we were touching down. maybe one of them will be for me~
00:00:00
Poll Round 28: Flight Risk (Countdown)