Round 22: Steps to Absolution
Title: Steps to Absolution
Team: AU
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: BEAST
Character/Pairing: Hyunseung-centric; Junhyung/Hyunseung (JunSeung)
Summary: Because sometimes, you need to learn to fly, to breathe and to let go, but you’re not giving up. You’re just simply moving on.
Author's Note: Geurim calls his older brother and Junhyung as Hyung even though she is a girl. Format can seem a bit disjointed because it doesn't necessarily follow a chronological timeline. Other than that, go TEAM AWESOME! You guys are the best!
Prompt/s Used: Bohemian- Don't Hurt; more thoroughly based on supplementary prompts and lyrics.
"When you need me, but do not want me, then I will stay.
When you want me, but do not need me, then I have to go."
-Nanny Mcphee
freed (finally living);
It’s ivory white, edges glimmering gold. It’s light and weightless almost, as Hyunseung holds it closer to his chest-letting it hear the beating of his heart.
Hyunseung looks out the window of his bedroom and he sees the sun starting to rise and show its beauty, to share its warmth and give life to the world. Sunlight gradually reaches the windowpane and he tentatively lets the feather he has been holding, kiss the light.
He grins. It's a wonderful day.
caged (breathing in);
Hyunseung blankly stares at the red fluid staining the ivory-white sink before he regains composure, gripping the faucet a bit tighter than necessary; he flips it open to wash his bruised face, along with the blood dripping from his hopefully not, broken nose. He winces as he accidentally presses a bit too hard on his cheekbone as he wipes his face dry. After drying, he hesitantly looks up from the mirror, not really sure if he wants to see the damage; he sighs in light relief to see that his nose doesn’t seem to be broken but a purplish bruise is visibly seen on his right cheekbone along with a not too much worse black eye and a cut lower lip.
Hyunseung exhales. He just hopes Geurim won’t see this.
He fixes his soiled white shirt as best as he can, thankful to see that his blood hasn’t stained it, though there are a few dirty black stains here and there possibly from the shoes that kicked him as he crumpled on the floor. He’ll get it cleaned somehow. He slowly crouches down, easing the pain that shot on his abdomen, picking up his scattered books on the floor and gently putting them back on his bag.
getting out (breathing out);
He has chocolate brown hair-bangs side swept; covering one of his eyes, chubby cheeks adorns his face despite having a slim body. He is three months younger than Hyunseung and has been with the elder since the death of his parents in middle school.
His name is Yong Junhyung, one of the better things the older male has in his life.
“Hyung, she’s going to notice you know?”
“She won’t as long as she’s distracted and as long as you keep your mouth shut” Hyunseung retorts, pulling out the key to their shared apartment from his pocket.
Junhyung snorts. “Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that” He gestures to the blooming bruise on the elder’s cheekbone.
“She’s going to blow up if I’m not home anyways. So we have a better chance of her not throwing any tantrums if I’m here”
“But-“
“Shut it” Hyunseung says, voice final and he opens the door.
They walk in quietly through the small hallway and Hyunseung hears the television playing as they both gently take off their shoes. Dongwoon, his neighbor and close friend usually babysits for him but already left half an hour ago since he had to run some errands, Hyunseung said it would be fine since they were on their way home. Junhyung goes into his bedroom to change as Hyunseung goes into the small living room and smiles gently as he sees his younger sister surrounded by dozens of papers; all scribbled with different shades of blue. She is currently drawing another portrait which seems to be a flower when Hyunseung decides to greet her.
“Hey Princess” He coos gently.
She’s no less than sixteen years old, eyes big as a doe’s just like his brother and black hair long enough to reach her thighs. She grins profoundly when she sees the progress of her work and finally turns her attention to his brother.
“Hyung! Geurim’s flower is very pretty right?”
caged (breathing in);
"Okay, okay Geu- please, it's okay. Hyung is fine" Junhyung is holding both of Geurim's wrists as the latter screams and cries about how his older brother got hurt, that she didn't want to see those bruises on Hyunseung's face and arms. She's trying to get out of Junhyung's hold, trying to lash out and Hyunseung is zoning out but he's crying.
"Hyung got hurt! He got hurt!" She screams, voice agonizing.
"Shh... Geurim, it's okay, Hyung is okay..." Junhyung says, soothing Hyunseung's younger sister as the elder breaks down, crying.
Because Hyunseung can't take it as he sees his sister hurting and crying over him. If Hyunseung gets hurt... it's like a trigger to a bomb, only Geurim is the said bomb. It happens rarely because Hyunseung can hide most of his bruises and he doesn't get beat up all the time anyway, but when it does happen Hyunseung just breaks down because he's not strong enough to tell Geurim that everything's okay.
getting out (breathing out);
When he snaps back to reality again, Geurim has calmed down, Junhyung patting her back gently and whispering sweet nothings. It's a given fact, Junhyung is the only one capable of calming Geurim down. Hyunseung breathes a sigh of relief, trying to control his tears as it may cause his sister to go into hysterics again.
"Thank you Junhyung"
Junhyung just smiles, lightly. "Let's get you two to bed Hyung"
caged (breathing in);
"Hey faggot"
"Loser"
Hyunseung promptly tries to ignore all the name calling thrown at him as he makes his way inside the campus, it's always the same everyday and he has gotten used to it.
It's always the same everyday and even though he is used to is, it still hurts.
Tears are brimming in his eyes but he refuses to let them fall, refuses to let those fuckers feel the satisfaction of affecting and hurting him; he gets pushed to the lockers several times when the varsity comes walking through the corridors, one critical push had him gritting his teeth in pain though, because there were still fresh bruises on his left arm.
The varsity leader leans closer to him, pushing his weight and sandwiching Hyunseung between the lockers, his left arm twitching because it hurt.
"Fag"
getting out (breathing out);
"Get lost Doojoon" Hyunseung hears his best friend say and in a second or two, Doojoon is being shoved by the lockers next to him by Junhyung.
He warned Junhyung about this, about getting in his business, about how he could take care of himself even though he knows he can't.
"Fucking get lost, Yoon Doojoon" His bestfriend growls as he locks his forearm on the varsity leader's throat.
"What?" Doojoon wheezes, refusing to back down. "Don't want me to touch your boyfriend?"
The next 30 minutes, Hyunseung finds himself with Junhyung in the principal's office, Doojoon at the school clinic with a broken nose.
caged (breathing in);
"I told you, I didn't need your help"
"Bullshit Hyung, he has been bothering since school started and I've had enough of it okay?"
"I'm not your fucking responsibility"
"Look, if you don't want me doing this for you then think of it as a favor for me okay?"
"What? Why?"
"You're hurting me..."
getting out (breathing out);
Hyunseung is looking at him, and never in his life has he ever seen Junhyung look this vulnerable. "What do you mean?"
Junhyung breathes out. "Nevermind" and slowly, the hurt and pain in his eyes gradually disappears, being masked by his usual bright side.
"Everything's gonna be okay Hyung... I know it will"
Hyunseung frowns but when he looks back at his best friend's eyes, they're glimmering with hope and despite himself he smiles. "Yeah, maybe it will"
caged (breathing in);
It's a little bit early, around six a.m in the morning. It's also a Saturday but he's here at a quaint little coffee shop, getting ready for work. He barely got any sleep last night, because he also has work at a small club as a bartender on a Friday night after school, and also at a Saturday night after his work here.
It's tough juggling two jobs and school together but he manages, he has to even though everytime he just feels like giving up. He loves Geurim too much and he feels so, so guilty every time he sees her because his younger sister deserves so much better than this. So much better than a dingy old apartment or the pack of cheap crayons and papers she has, she deserves so much better than her old, worn clothes, some of them being the elder's old clothes or the cold noodles they always seem to have. She deserves better and Hyunseung feels so fucking guilty.
Hyunseung feels guilty everytime he gets a new bruise from being beaten up because he's afraid Geurim might see and he can't fathom his sister when she cries like that just because his brother is hurting. And he thinks, he doesn't even deserve those tears because he can't give Geurim a better life. He feels guilty for even existing.
It's quarter to seven a.m by the time he finishes setting everything up, he looks glum and lifeless because he's so tired both physically and mentally. He closes his eyes for a moment but he drifts into a deep sleep instead.
getting out (breathing out);
By the time he wakes up, he's on the couch of his apartment with a blanket tucked in to him. He abruptly stands up in shock. "What-" he starts, but he suddenly sees Junhyung passed out on the table at the dimly lit kitchen.
He approaches him silently and notices the younger's clothes, he was wearing Hyunseung's uniform for the night club and on the table by Junhyung's sprawled arm is the elder's uniform for the coffee shop he works for, Hyunseung raises an eyebrow in question and looks down at what he was wearing, only noticing now that he was wearing a wife beater and sweatpants instead.
He contemplates on waking up the younger but he seems dead-tired, after all Junhyung also has his own jobs to attend to, he bites his lower lip and takes off the blanket over his shoulders and secures it on younger man's instead.
"Thank you Junhyung" He whispers.
caged (breathing in);
It's around five in the afternoon and Hyunseung is at a convenience store, deciding to buy his little sister her favorite blueberry milk drink. He's still dressed for school, since he was on his way home when he decides on buying something. Junhyung has two more classes today so he went on home without the younger.
He is on his way to the counter to pay for the items when his cellphone rings, he takes it out of his pocket and raises an eyebrow in question. It was Dongwoon. He shrugs and answers it.
"Hel-"
"Hyung!" Dongwoon cuts off. "Shit, shit, shit Hyung I'm sorry, I don't... it was I didn't know- left the door unlocked- I shouldn't have-I"
"Dongwoon, Dongwoon, Dongwoon, shit, calm down! What do you mean?" Hyunseung asks but he's kind of getting the gist of where this was going.
"Hyung, Geurim is missing"
"What do you mean she's missing?"
"I- I went out to my apartment because I forgot to bring my laptop over- I- I forgot to lock the door and when I came back she was gone"
By now Hyunseung is crying, dropping all the contents in his hands and immediately getting out of the convenience store. "Did you-" His voice quivers. "Did you call the police? or Junhyung?"
"Yeah I've called the police but I haven't called Junhyung-hyung yet... God, I'm so sorry Hyung"
"Shit. Just try searching for her okay? I'm on my way home but I'll look for her now"
"Okay Hyung, I'm sorry"
He tries calling for Junhyung's number but it's turned off, he's sobbing already, one hand trying muffle it as he looks around and asks anyone who passes by him for a young sixteen year old girl with long hair the reaches her thighs and that looks like him.
He's sure he has crossed this street the third time already, Dongwoon's updating him of any signs of her sister and Junhyung's phone is still turned off. It's already eight in the evening and Hyunseung has never felt this scared in his life.
Geurim hates darkness and the streets are pretty much dimly lit, worry and guilt is starting to take over his whole being right now but he can't give up... not now, not when his sister might be out there and in danger. What if someone hurts her just because she was different? Just because she was special than the others?
He's almost reaching his breaking point when he passes the park Geurim plays in by the fourth time when his phone starts ringing, It was Junhyung this time.
getting out (breathing out);
"Junhyung" He starts, his voice is shaky from exhaustion. "holy shit, Geurim she-"
"I found her" Junhyung cuts off.
"You what? How did you know? I'm... I don't, I was trying to find- and then it was-" He can't bring himself to continue because hearing those simple words makes him collapse on the ground, relief taking over his body, though he was still crying.
"Hyung where are you?"
"I'm at- the- park"
"We'll come and get you okay?"
Hyunseung nods even though he knew the other couldn't see it.
It only took fifteen minutes but Hyunseung felt like it was a lifetime when he finally saw Junhyung and Geurim approaching.
"Fuck" He curses before he was off the pavement running to them and squeezing his sister in a hug.
Geurim squirms and frowns, annoyed and wanting to move away, but Hyunseung held on a little bit longer before releasing her. "Hey princess, where were you? Hyung was worried sick"
"Balloons Hyung. Blue like the sky... They were pretty" Geurim says, eyes still trained to the blue balloon she was holding.
"Thank you..." Hyunseung breathes out, embracing his best friend. "But where did you find her? How did you find her?" He asks, pulling away.
"I was on my way home and I just saw her by a vendor selling balloons and Geurim was well, sort of pestering him" Junhyung explains.
Hyunseung's frames slumps in sheer relief. "Thank you" he repeats.
Junhyung smiles lightly. "Come on Hyung, let's go home"
caged (breathing in);
It's in the end of the second semester when Hyunseung finally loses it. He lost both of his jobs at the club because he has been arriving late all the time, he fails three of his major exams in his finals because he doesn't get enough sleep or time to study and he always had to take care of Geurim and also had to look for a job.
It's in the start of the second semester when Hyunseung finally loses it. Geurim is in the bedroom while Hyunseung is currently breaking everything he could get his hands on in the small living room. He's crying and ugly sobs are coming out from his voice and he's on the ground, painfully clutching on the worn out carpet as he pleads for everything to just stop.
He wants to stop everything, he wants to just give up because maybe he has never been strong from the beginning when his parents decided to die in an accident leaving him and his sister alone. He wants to give up because life was too hard, his life was too hard- fucked up and down and over. He's questioning his existence or why was his life even like this? Maybe he did deserve this but fuck, Geurim doesn't. She doesn't deserve to live a life like this, doesn't deserve to be stuck with a brother like him.
Hyunseung wants to make everything better, fuck, he really wants to but he has been trying too hard and there hasn't been results and he is so tired and exhausted already. In his peripheral, he sees the kitchen knife, on the kitchen counter. He swallows the lump forming in his throat, is it worth it? To take his life instead? To end everything and maybe, just maybe someone would take Geurim and take care of her instead?
"Shit. Hyung, what are you doing?" He hears someone say, cutting his train of thoughts.
Junhyung sprints towards the elder, dodging broken glasses and other things on the floor. "Hyung- Hyunseung, what happened?" he asks, his face is marred with so much worry that it makes Hyunseung want to throw up. Why did anyone ever bothered to care for him?
He sobs. "I... wanna die"
"No, no, no shh- Hyung don't say that. Don't you ever say that" Junhyung slumps beside the elder and gathers him into an embrace.
"I feel... like everything's crashing down Junhyung and I just... I want everything to stop... to just stop. Why is this even- happening to me?"
"Everything happens for a reason Hyunseung. Please, just please... don't do anything rash, everything will get better okay?"
Hyunseung pushes away from the younger, eyes blazing with fire, because he's too mad, too confused, too fucking tired. "Everything happens for a reason?! So you're saying that when mom and dad died there was a reason? You're saying that losing both of my jobs and failing my exams has a reason?! That Geurim getting lost months ago was because there was a reason?! What the fuck is that reason?! What the fuck is the reason why we're both living like this?!"
He shouts, face formed into a scowl as he breathes unevenly. And- and-and nothing will get better okay?! Fucking nothing will get better, I've tried so many times and all I wanna do is to just... I want to quit but...I don't- know anymore you know? I..." He trails off.
getting out (breathing out);
"I can't explain everything Hyung but you've lived until now"Junhyung responds, voice collected. "You've passed all of these hurdles and these problems, you always find a way Hyunseung, I mean it sucks but you still find a way and that means, it's towards something better, you just need to believe that everything will be okay, you need to see the road ahead, not the road behind, because if you look behind you'll just start to worry about how long you have to go, but if you look ahead, you'll see the horizon and even if it's still a long walk, seeing the horizon gives hope that you can do it, seeing the horizon makes you think of the road you've left behind as something more in a different light, that you actually made it that far and crossed all those obstacles"
Junhyung clears his throat, tears are already gathering in his eyes. "Hyung, what I'm trying to say is don't be so hard on yourself, remember that you're still luckier than other people... and you don't- you don't have to feel guilty about your existence, Hyunseung each one has a purpose in life and you need to know that. Let go Hyung, let go of this, this hatred in your life, you're better than this, you don't need to give up life, you just need to let go of the bad things in life... you need to learn to move on with it and not get stuck with its past"
He wipes the tears staining the elder's cheeks. "Life goes on Hyung... and all you have to do is also go along with it"
Hyunseung is looking at him, not really knowing what to feel. "I- why are you even doing this?"
"Because I care for you and Geurim so much and seeing you like this, hurts me"
getting out (breathing out);
It's been a little over four months since his breakdown, but Hyunseung has been better- he's smiling more now and he has more time since graduation's just around the corner and because of that he gets a new job at a convenience store and the coffee shop takes him back. Maybe Junhyung was right, maybe he just needed to see his life in a different perspective for him to do better, maybe he really didn't need to strain himself into believing about negative thoughts.
Maybe Junhyung is his hero.
He snorts at the thought, all the younger man could do was annoy the hell out of him when he's trying to take a rest. He's on his way home, when the sight of the sky catches his attention, the sun was almost setting, the sky, blue with splashes of pink and orange and yellow and silently, he admires it. He squints his eyes when he sees something in the sky, it was too small, too far up but Hyunseung tilts his head a little and sees that it might be wings. A bird then, he concludes, he shrugs and continues to walk.
"Hey Geu" He greets his sister, patting her head which made Geurim glare at him. She doesn't like her hair being touched but Hyunseung just grins at her. "Where's Junhyung?"
"Fly" She says. "He flew to the sky Hyung, pretty wings" She murmurs while drawing with a blue pen marker on her notebook.
Hyunseung raises his eyebrows in confusion and checks Junhyung's bedroom. Empty. He proceeds to his and Geurim's bedroom instead to change into comfortable clothes when he sees a letter and a white feather on the bed. He eyes it curiously, before picking it up. At the back of the envelope was a neatly written Hyunseung, he looks at the feather on his hand, it glimmered gold when he twirls it around.
There's dread starting to crawl in to him the moment he saw the envelope but he finally learned to not let his emotions get the best of him yet.
He opens the letter and reads through it.
Hyunseung,
By the time you're reading this, I might be gone.
There are things that takes time to finally say at the right time and there are things that I cannot directly say and show. What I am and what I want to tell you is between those two options. But sometimes, what Geurim says about me isn't always nonsense.
I can no longer stay by your side Hyunseung but know that I will always be there for you and for Geurim, I will always watch over you.
Hyunseung, never forget that things always get better- that in a rainy day, there's always a rainbow yeah? Your problems are far from over because there's always one coming up from time to time, always trying to tear you down but always remember that you just need to keep going ahead and you'll see the horizon. You just need to believe that things get better. Also, you're an amazing person and you should know that, you're braver and cleverer than any other person out there so don't let them ever affect you okay? Other than that, being with you made me realize a lot of things and just know that I'm thankful for that. And I'm thankful that you trusted me and that you believed in me.
There are a lot of things I would like to tell you but I figured it'll be better to say those things in person, when the time is right, when you feel that it is right and that feather glows as bright as the sun. I'll come back and I hope you wait for that day.
-Junhyung
freed (finally living);
It's in the middle of Spring, and Hyunseung is taking a break from reading his book about paralegal studies, later, he needs to start reading over his thesis regarding political science. Geurim is still sleeping, but he reminds himself to wake her up at around seven in the morning because she still has her arts school to attend to.
He feels a sudden tug at his chest when he spots the feather the moment he opens one of his drawers. He picks it up. It’s ivory white, edges glimmering gold when he twirls it around. It’s light and weightless almost, as Hyunseung holds it closer to his chest-letting it hear the beating of his heart.
Hyunseung looks out the window of his bedroom and he sees the sun starting to rise and show its beauty, share its warmth and give life to the world. Sunlight gradually reaches the windowpane and he tentatively lets the feather he has been holding, kiss the light and as expected, its edges glow bright gold. It glimmers slowly as it fully soaks in the warmth of the sun.
Hyunseung grins. It's a wonderful day.
He hears a gush of wind and when he looks back at the window, Junhyung is perched on top of it, smiling at him gleefully.
In three acts, things can get better;
Act I: caged
Act II: getting out
Act III: freed
Poll Round 22: Steps to Absolution
Team: AU
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: BEAST
Character/Pairing: Hyunseung-centric; Junhyung/Hyunseung (JunSeung)
Summary: Because sometimes, you need to learn to fly, to breathe and to let go, but you’re not giving up. You’re just simply moving on.
Author's Note: Geurim calls his older brother and Junhyung as Hyung even though she is a girl. Format can seem a bit disjointed because it doesn't necessarily follow a chronological timeline. Other than that, go TEAM AWESOME! You guys are the best!
Prompt/s Used: Bohemian- Don't Hurt; more thoroughly based on supplementary prompts and lyrics.
"When you need me, but do not want me, then I will stay.
When you want me, but do not need me, then I have to go."
-Nanny Mcphee
freed (finally living);
It’s ivory white, edges glimmering gold. It’s light and weightless almost, as Hyunseung holds it closer to his chest-letting it hear the beating of his heart.
Hyunseung looks out the window of his bedroom and he sees the sun starting to rise and show its beauty, to share its warmth and give life to the world. Sunlight gradually reaches the windowpane and he tentatively lets the feather he has been holding, kiss the light.
He grins. It's a wonderful day.
caged (breathing in);
Hyunseung blankly stares at the red fluid staining the ivory-white sink before he regains composure, gripping the faucet a bit tighter than necessary; he flips it open to wash his bruised face, along with the blood dripping from his hopefully not, broken nose. He winces as he accidentally presses a bit too hard on his cheekbone as he wipes his face dry. After drying, he hesitantly looks up from the mirror, not really sure if he wants to see the damage; he sighs in light relief to see that his nose doesn’t seem to be broken but a purplish bruise is visibly seen on his right cheekbone along with a not too much worse black eye and a cut lower lip.
Hyunseung exhales. He just hopes Geurim won’t see this.
He fixes his soiled white shirt as best as he can, thankful to see that his blood hasn’t stained it, though there are a few dirty black stains here and there possibly from the shoes that kicked him as he crumpled on the floor. He’ll get it cleaned somehow. He slowly crouches down, easing the pain that shot on his abdomen, picking up his scattered books on the floor and gently putting them back on his bag.
getting out (breathing out);
He has chocolate brown hair-bangs side swept; covering one of his eyes, chubby cheeks adorns his face despite having a slim body. He is three months younger than Hyunseung and has been with the elder since the death of his parents in middle school.
His name is Yong Junhyung, one of the better things the older male has in his life.
“Hyung, she’s going to notice you know?”
“She won’t as long as she’s distracted and as long as you keep your mouth shut” Hyunseung retorts, pulling out the key to their shared apartment from his pocket.
Junhyung snorts. “Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that” He gestures to the blooming bruise on the elder’s cheekbone.
“She’s going to blow up if I’m not home anyways. So we have a better chance of her not throwing any tantrums if I’m here”
“But-“
“Shut it” Hyunseung says, voice final and he opens the door.
They walk in quietly through the small hallway and Hyunseung hears the television playing as they both gently take off their shoes. Dongwoon, his neighbor and close friend usually babysits for him but already left half an hour ago since he had to run some errands, Hyunseung said it would be fine since they were on their way home. Junhyung goes into his bedroom to change as Hyunseung goes into the small living room and smiles gently as he sees his younger sister surrounded by dozens of papers; all scribbled with different shades of blue. She is currently drawing another portrait which seems to be a flower when Hyunseung decides to greet her.
“Hey Princess” He coos gently.
She’s no less than sixteen years old, eyes big as a doe’s just like his brother and black hair long enough to reach her thighs. She grins profoundly when she sees the progress of her work and finally turns her attention to his brother.
“Hyung! Geurim’s flower is very pretty right?”
caged (breathing in);
"Okay, okay Geu- please, it's okay. Hyung is fine" Junhyung is holding both of Geurim's wrists as the latter screams and cries about how his older brother got hurt, that she didn't want to see those bruises on Hyunseung's face and arms. She's trying to get out of Junhyung's hold, trying to lash out and Hyunseung is zoning out but he's crying.
"Hyung got hurt! He got hurt!" She screams, voice agonizing.
"Shh... Geurim, it's okay, Hyung is okay..." Junhyung says, soothing Hyunseung's younger sister as the elder breaks down, crying.
Because Hyunseung can't take it as he sees his sister hurting and crying over him. If Hyunseung gets hurt... it's like a trigger to a bomb, only Geurim is the said bomb. It happens rarely because Hyunseung can hide most of his bruises and he doesn't get beat up all the time anyway, but when it does happen Hyunseung just breaks down because he's not strong enough to tell Geurim that everything's okay.
getting out (breathing out);
When he snaps back to reality again, Geurim has calmed down, Junhyung patting her back gently and whispering sweet nothings. It's a given fact, Junhyung is the only one capable of calming Geurim down. Hyunseung breathes a sigh of relief, trying to control his tears as it may cause his sister to go into hysterics again.
"Thank you Junhyung"
Junhyung just smiles, lightly. "Let's get you two to bed Hyung"
caged (breathing in);
"Hey faggot"
"Loser"
Hyunseung promptly tries to ignore all the name calling thrown at him as he makes his way inside the campus, it's always the same everyday and he has gotten used to it.
It's always the same everyday and even though he is used to is, it still hurts.
Tears are brimming in his eyes but he refuses to let them fall, refuses to let those fuckers feel the satisfaction of affecting and hurting him; he gets pushed to the lockers several times when the varsity comes walking through the corridors, one critical push had him gritting his teeth in pain though, because there were still fresh bruises on his left arm.
The varsity leader leans closer to him, pushing his weight and sandwiching Hyunseung between the lockers, his left arm twitching because it hurt.
"Fag"
getting out (breathing out);
"Get lost Doojoon" Hyunseung hears his best friend say and in a second or two, Doojoon is being shoved by the lockers next to him by Junhyung.
He warned Junhyung about this, about getting in his business, about how he could take care of himself even though he knows he can't.
"Fucking get lost, Yoon Doojoon" His bestfriend growls as he locks his forearm on the varsity leader's throat.
"What?" Doojoon wheezes, refusing to back down. "Don't want me to touch your boyfriend?"
The next 30 minutes, Hyunseung finds himself with Junhyung in the principal's office, Doojoon at the school clinic with a broken nose.
caged (breathing in);
"I told you, I didn't need your help"
"Bullshit Hyung, he has been bothering since school started and I've had enough of it okay?"
"I'm not your fucking responsibility"
"Look, if you don't want me doing this for you then think of it as a favor for me okay?"
"What? Why?"
"You're hurting me..."
getting out (breathing out);
Hyunseung is looking at him, and never in his life has he ever seen Junhyung look this vulnerable. "What do you mean?"
Junhyung breathes out. "Nevermind" and slowly, the hurt and pain in his eyes gradually disappears, being masked by his usual bright side.
"Everything's gonna be okay Hyung... I know it will"
Hyunseung frowns but when he looks back at his best friend's eyes, they're glimmering with hope and despite himself he smiles. "Yeah, maybe it will"
caged (breathing in);
It's a little bit early, around six a.m in the morning. It's also a Saturday but he's here at a quaint little coffee shop, getting ready for work. He barely got any sleep last night, because he also has work at a small club as a bartender on a Friday night after school, and also at a Saturday night after his work here.
It's tough juggling two jobs and school together but he manages, he has to even though everytime he just feels like giving up. He loves Geurim too much and he feels so, so guilty every time he sees her because his younger sister deserves so much better than this. So much better than a dingy old apartment or the pack of cheap crayons and papers she has, she deserves so much better than her old, worn clothes, some of them being the elder's old clothes or the cold noodles they always seem to have. She deserves better and Hyunseung feels so fucking guilty.
Hyunseung feels guilty everytime he gets a new bruise from being beaten up because he's afraid Geurim might see and he can't fathom his sister when she cries like that just because his brother is hurting. And he thinks, he doesn't even deserve those tears because he can't give Geurim a better life. He feels guilty for even existing.
It's quarter to seven a.m by the time he finishes setting everything up, he looks glum and lifeless because he's so tired both physically and mentally. He closes his eyes for a moment but he drifts into a deep sleep instead.
getting out (breathing out);
By the time he wakes up, he's on the couch of his apartment with a blanket tucked in to him. He abruptly stands up in shock. "What-" he starts, but he suddenly sees Junhyung passed out on the table at the dimly lit kitchen.
He approaches him silently and notices the younger's clothes, he was wearing Hyunseung's uniform for the night club and on the table by Junhyung's sprawled arm is the elder's uniform for the coffee shop he works for, Hyunseung raises an eyebrow in question and looks down at what he was wearing, only noticing now that he was wearing a wife beater and sweatpants instead.
He contemplates on waking up the younger but he seems dead-tired, after all Junhyung also has his own jobs to attend to, he bites his lower lip and takes off the blanket over his shoulders and secures it on younger man's instead.
"Thank you Junhyung" He whispers.
caged (breathing in);
It's around five in the afternoon and Hyunseung is at a convenience store, deciding to buy his little sister her favorite blueberry milk drink. He's still dressed for school, since he was on his way home when he decides on buying something. Junhyung has two more classes today so he went on home without the younger.
He is on his way to the counter to pay for the items when his cellphone rings, he takes it out of his pocket and raises an eyebrow in question. It was Dongwoon. He shrugs and answers it.
"Hel-"
"Hyung!" Dongwoon cuts off. "Shit, shit, shit Hyung I'm sorry, I don't... it was I didn't know- left the door unlocked- I shouldn't have-I"
"Dongwoon, Dongwoon, Dongwoon, shit, calm down! What do you mean?" Hyunseung asks but he's kind of getting the gist of where this was going.
"Hyung, Geurim is missing"
"What do you mean she's missing?"
"I- I went out to my apartment because I forgot to bring my laptop over- I- I forgot to lock the door and when I came back she was gone"
By now Hyunseung is crying, dropping all the contents in his hands and immediately getting out of the convenience store. "Did you-" His voice quivers. "Did you call the police? or Junhyung?"
"Yeah I've called the police but I haven't called Junhyung-hyung yet... God, I'm so sorry Hyung"
"Shit. Just try searching for her okay? I'm on my way home but I'll look for her now"
"Okay Hyung, I'm sorry"
He tries calling for Junhyung's number but it's turned off, he's sobbing already, one hand trying muffle it as he looks around and asks anyone who passes by him for a young sixteen year old girl with long hair the reaches her thighs and that looks like him.
He's sure he has crossed this street the third time already, Dongwoon's updating him of any signs of her sister and Junhyung's phone is still turned off. It's already eight in the evening and Hyunseung has never felt this scared in his life.
Geurim hates darkness and the streets are pretty much dimly lit, worry and guilt is starting to take over his whole being right now but he can't give up... not now, not when his sister might be out there and in danger. What if someone hurts her just because she was different? Just because she was special than the others?
He's almost reaching his breaking point when he passes the park Geurim plays in by the fourth time when his phone starts ringing, It was Junhyung this time.
getting out (breathing out);
"Junhyung" He starts, his voice is shaky from exhaustion. "holy shit, Geurim she-"
"I found her" Junhyung cuts off.
"You what? How did you know? I'm... I don't, I was trying to find- and then it was-" He can't bring himself to continue because hearing those simple words makes him collapse on the ground, relief taking over his body, though he was still crying.
"Hyung where are you?"
"I'm at- the- park"
"We'll come and get you okay?"
Hyunseung nods even though he knew the other couldn't see it.
It only took fifteen minutes but Hyunseung felt like it was a lifetime when he finally saw Junhyung and Geurim approaching.
"Fuck" He curses before he was off the pavement running to them and squeezing his sister in a hug.
Geurim squirms and frowns, annoyed and wanting to move away, but Hyunseung held on a little bit longer before releasing her. "Hey princess, where were you? Hyung was worried sick"
"Balloons Hyung. Blue like the sky... They were pretty" Geurim says, eyes still trained to the blue balloon she was holding.
"Thank you..." Hyunseung breathes out, embracing his best friend. "But where did you find her? How did you find her?" He asks, pulling away.
"I was on my way home and I just saw her by a vendor selling balloons and Geurim was well, sort of pestering him" Junhyung explains.
Hyunseung's frames slumps in sheer relief. "Thank you" he repeats.
Junhyung smiles lightly. "Come on Hyung, let's go home"
caged (breathing in);
It's in the end of the second semester when Hyunseung finally loses it. He lost both of his jobs at the club because he has been arriving late all the time, he fails three of his major exams in his finals because he doesn't get enough sleep or time to study and he always had to take care of Geurim and also had to look for a job.
It's in the start of the second semester when Hyunseung finally loses it. Geurim is in the bedroom while Hyunseung is currently breaking everything he could get his hands on in the small living room. He's crying and ugly sobs are coming out from his voice and he's on the ground, painfully clutching on the worn out carpet as he pleads for everything to just stop.
He wants to stop everything, he wants to just give up because maybe he has never been strong from the beginning when his parents decided to die in an accident leaving him and his sister alone. He wants to give up because life was too hard, his life was too hard- fucked up and down and over. He's questioning his existence or why was his life even like this? Maybe he did deserve this but fuck, Geurim doesn't. She doesn't deserve to live a life like this, doesn't deserve to be stuck with a brother like him.
Hyunseung wants to make everything better, fuck, he really wants to but he has been trying too hard and there hasn't been results and he is so tired and exhausted already. In his peripheral, he sees the kitchen knife, on the kitchen counter. He swallows the lump forming in his throat, is it worth it? To take his life instead? To end everything and maybe, just maybe someone would take Geurim and take care of her instead?
"Shit. Hyung, what are you doing?" He hears someone say, cutting his train of thoughts.
Junhyung sprints towards the elder, dodging broken glasses and other things on the floor. "Hyung- Hyunseung, what happened?" he asks, his face is marred with so much worry that it makes Hyunseung want to throw up. Why did anyone ever bothered to care for him?
He sobs. "I... wanna die"
"No, no, no shh- Hyung don't say that. Don't you ever say that" Junhyung slumps beside the elder and gathers him into an embrace.
"I feel... like everything's crashing down Junhyung and I just... I want everything to stop... to just stop. Why is this even- happening to me?"
"Everything happens for a reason Hyunseung. Please, just please... don't do anything rash, everything will get better okay?"
Hyunseung pushes away from the younger, eyes blazing with fire, because he's too mad, too confused, too fucking tired. "Everything happens for a reason?! So you're saying that when mom and dad died there was a reason? You're saying that losing both of my jobs and failing my exams has a reason?! That Geurim getting lost months ago was because there was a reason?! What the fuck is that reason?! What the fuck is the reason why we're both living like this?!"
He shouts, face formed into a scowl as he breathes unevenly. And- and-and nothing will get better okay?! Fucking nothing will get better, I've tried so many times and all I wanna do is to just... I want to quit but...I don't- know anymore you know? I..." He trails off.
getting out (breathing out);
"I can't explain everything Hyung but you've lived until now"Junhyung responds, voice collected. "You've passed all of these hurdles and these problems, you always find a way Hyunseung, I mean it sucks but you still find a way and that means, it's towards something better, you just need to believe that everything will be okay, you need to see the road ahead, not the road behind, because if you look behind you'll just start to worry about how long you have to go, but if you look ahead, you'll see the horizon and even if it's still a long walk, seeing the horizon gives hope that you can do it, seeing the horizon makes you think of the road you've left behind as something more in a different light, that you actually made it that far and crossed all those obstacles"
Junhyung clears his throat, tears are already gathering in his eyes. "Hyung, what I'm trying to say is don't be so hard on yourself, remember that you're still luckier than other people... and you don't- you don't have to feel guilty about your existence, Hyunseung each one has a purpose in life and you need to know that. Let go Hyung, let go of this, this hatred in your life, you're better than this, you don't need to give up life, you just need to let go of the bad things in life... you need to learn to move on with it and not get stuck with its past"
He wipes the tears staining the elder's cheeks. "Life goes on Hyung... and all you have to do is also go along with it"
Hyunseung is looking at him, not really knowing what to feel. "I- why are you even doing this?"
"Because I care for you and Geurim so much and seeing you like this, hurts me"
getting out (breathing out);
It's been a little over four months since his breakdown, but Hyunseung has been better- he's smiling more now and he has more time since graduation's just around the corner and because of that he gets a new job at a convenience store and the coffee shop takes him back. Maybe Junhyung was right, maybe he just needed to see his life in a different perspective for him to do better, maybe he really didn't need to strain himself into believing about negative thoughts.
Maybe Junhyung is his hero.
He snorts at the thought, all the younger man could do was annoy the hell out of him when he's trying to take a rest. He's on his way home, when the sight of the sky catches his attention, the sun was almost setting, the sky, blue with splashes of pink and orange and yellow and silently, he admires it. He squints his eyes when he sees something in the sky, it was too small, too far up but Hyunseung tilts his head a little and sees that it might be wings. A bird then, he concludes, he shrugs and continues to walk.
"Hey Geu" He greets his sister, patting her head which made Geurim glare at him. She doesn't like her hair being touched but Hyunseung just grins at her. "Where's Junhyung?"
"Fly" She says. "He flew to the sky Hyung, pretty wings" She murmurs while drawing with a blue pen marker on her notebook.
Hyunseung raises his eyebrows in confusion and checks Junhyung's bedroom. Empty. He proceeds to his and Geurim's bedroom instead to change into comfortable clothes when he sees a letter and a white feather on the bed. He eyes it curiously, before picking it up. At the back of the envelope was a neatly written Hyunseung, he looks at the feather on his hand, it glimmered gold when he twirls it around.
There's dread starting to crawl in to him the moment he saw the envelope but he finally learned to not let his emotions get the best of him yet.
He opens the letter and reads through it.
Hyunseung,
By the time you're reading this, I might be gone.
There are things that takes time to finally say at the right time and there are things that I cannot directly say and show. What I am and what I want to tell you is between those two options. But sometimes, what Geurim says about me isn't always nonsense.
I can no longer stay by your side Hyunseung but know that I will always be there for you and for Geurim, I will always watch over you.
Hyunseung, never forget that things always get better- that in a rainy day, there's always a rainbow yeah? Your problems are far from over because there's always one coming up from time to time, always trying to tear you down but always remember that you just need to keep going ahead and you'll see the horizon. You just need to believe that things get better. Also, you're an amazing person and you should know that, you're braver and cleverer than any other person out there so don't let them ever affect you okay? Other than that, being with you made me realize a lot of things and just know that I'm thankful for that. And I'm thankful that you trusted me and that you believed in me.
There are a lot of things I would like to tell you but I figured it'll be better to say those things in person, when the time is right, when you feel that it is right and that feather glows as bright as the sun. I'll come back and I hope you wait for that day.
-Junhyung
freed (finally living);
It's in the middle of Spring, and Hyunseung is taking a break from reading his book about paralegal studies, later, he needs to start reading over his thesis regarding political science. Geurim is still sleeping, but he reminds himself to wake her up at around seven in the morning because she still has her arts school to attend to.
He feels a sudden tug at his chest when he spots the feather the moment he opens one of his drawers. He picks it up. It’s ivory white, edges glimmering gold when he twirls it around. It’s light and weightless almost, as Hyunseung holds it closer to his chest-letting it hear the beating of his heart.
Hyunseung looks out the window of his bedroom and he sees the sun starting to rise and show its beauty, share its warmth and give life to the world. Sunlight gradually reaches the windowpane and he tentatively lets the feather he has been holding, kiss the light and as expected, its edges glow bright gold. It glimmers slowly as it fully soaks in the warmth of the sun.
Hyunseung grins. It's a wonderful day.
He hears a gush of wind and when he looks back at the window, Junhyung is perched on top of it, smiling at him gleefully.
In three acts, things can get better;
Act I: caged
Act II: getting out
Act III: freed
Poll Round 22: Steps to Absolution