Round 19: Your hands, not in mine
Title: Your hands, not in mine.
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Big Bang
Pairing: TOP/Daesung
Summary: Seunghyun struggles to face reality when it comes to his feelings for Daesung.
Author's Note: thanks to the mystery beta from my team!
Prompt Used: K.Will - "Please Don't"
"Hyung, I can't believe you still don't have your drivers license!" Daesung says with a laugh.
Seunghyun doesn't say anything, he just slumps in his seat with a shy smile and watches Daesung out of the corner of his eye as they take off out of the parking lot.
They've just left Seungri's birthday party. And while Seungri is comfortable still partying it up in his "old" age, neither of them can quite do the same anymore. They both couldn't stand the club scene for more than a couple hours. They had enough of that in their twenties.
A silence settles in the car as they drive onto the freeway. Daesung doesn't like silences like this. The mood always needs to be "up" for him. Seunghyun knows, from all the times there had been infighting within the group, Daesung would always be the one making jokes.
"So do you think you're ever going to learn how to drive?" Daesung asks.
"I know how to drive," Seunghyun replies curtly, a bit too quick. "I mean, I just don't feel like doing it."
"Why not?" Daesung asks.
Seunghyun very well can't say because sometimes this is the only time that he gets to spend alone with Daesung. It's the only time that he can watch Daesung without getting caught, because Daesung needs to watch the road. And Seunghyun very well can't say that he misses Daesung and really hates how he never has any free time anymore.
"I don't know," he says instead.
"Well you should! Isn't it kind of pathetic to be near forty and having to be driven around like a kid?" Daesung says. It's not a very strong joke. Seunghyun gets about ten jabs a day about his "old age," but coming from Daesung, for once it seems a little funny.
Seunghyun lets out a slight chuckle. "I'm only thirty-seven. And you're the one driving me everywhere, so who's the idiot here?"
"I didn't say you were an idiot," Daesung says.
"I know."
They return to a silence after that, it's not an awkward one though. Daesung turns on some music and the first song shuffled to is an old solo of his. He immediately skips it.
"No wait, go back," Seunghyun says.
"Oh my gosh, why? You and I have heard that song like, a thousand times. It's so old!" Daesung says, and the whine in his voice is cute.
"But I like it," Seunghyun says meekly.
With a sigh, Daesung puts the song back on.
It's "Try smiling." Seunghyun remembers when their first full album came out, and Seunghyun had been so proud of it, really. But no matter how much he might of liked his own solo, or any of the other songs, this was the song he'd played the most. Even before he had realized how much he really liked Daesung back then, he absolutely loved his voice from the very beginning.
"I can't even sing like this anymore," Daesung says with a bit of a nervous laugh.
"I don't care. Your voice is always nice, Daesungie," Seunghyun says, and he dares spare more than a glance at him. Daesung smiles wide, so much that his dimples show and his eyes crinkle.
By the time the song is over, they're at Seunghyun's house. Daesung parks the car but he doesn't it turn it off. It's really late, so Seunghyun shouldn't be expecting it, that Daesung wouldn't want to come in, but it still hurts when he notices.
Seunghyun unbuckles his seatbelt and moves to get out, but not before reaching over the middle console and giving Daesung a hug. Daesung laughs slightly as he does.
"Can never leave without a hug, can you?" he says.
"Nope, never," Seunghyun says, briefly looking into Daesung's eyes as he pulls back. Before he departs completely, Seunghyun lets his hand travel down from Daesung's shoulder to his arm and finally his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before letting go completely. "Good night, Daesungie."
"Goodnight, hyung," Daesung says and Seunghyun climbs out of the car. "Learn how to drive before next time!" Daesung yells before Seunghyun shuts the door.
"Never!" Seunghyun yells back, cupping his hands over his mouth, as Daesung pulls away. The windows are tinted, but Seunghyun can still see Daesung's ever bright smile.
Seunghyun watches his car until it disappears around a corner and it's only until then that he finally goes inside his house.
It's rare to have those moments like that with Daesung nowadays. He's learned to cherish every second.
___
Tomorrow is the day.
Tomorrow is the day Daesung gets married.
It's hard to imagine, even now, any of them getting married. Even though Jiyong got married over five years ago, after whining for so long about it. But really, everyone expected him to get married early. And Seungri and Youngbae both have steady girlfriends. Seunghyun still thinks of them all as fresh, young, twenty somethings with their futures ahead of them. Hard to imagine they're all in their early thirties now.
Hard to imagine they're going to the rehearsal for Daesung's wedding today. Seunghyun has tried to make himself believe that Daesung's girlfriend hasn't existed for the past year. He still tries to forget the day she was introduced to all of them. Her, smiling so innocently, and Daesung, looking so proud--
"Hyung? You okay? You look mad," Daesung says as he sits next to Seunghyun.
"I'm not mad," Seunghyun says, quickly forcing a happier expression.
"Well, then stop looking so upset!" Daesung smiles in that perfect way of his, where his whole entire face lights up and you can't help but smile at the sight of it. "That's better," Daesung says.
If only he knew the reason Seunghyun smiles is because of him.
"You know, I was thinking," Seunghyun starts.
"Hm?"
"Tomorrow, I should piggyback you down the aisle." Seunghyun smirks.
"Oh my gosh, no, hyung! Please don't do that, Jaeyeon would be so mad," Daesung laughs, but there's a serious undertone to his voice.
"Bitch," Seunghyun thinks to himself. "Like she can stop me," he says instead.
"No, nooo," Daesung says laughing and waving his hands. "I'll never hear the end of it!"
Seunghyun shrugs. "So? Not my problem."
"I'll drop you!" Daesung says, his laughter completely eradicating any seriousness. Seunghyun tch's and rolls his eyes. "I will!" Daesung reiterates.
"Sure, sure." Seunghyun waves a hand at him.
"Hyung, seriously!" Daesung grabs his arm. "Seriously."
Seunghyun gives him a sly look, like he's considering it. "Hmm... okay but after the ceremony you definitely owe me a piggyback."
"When don't I owe you a piggyback?" Daesung says with a raised brow.
Seunghyun nods his head to the side, as if to say "well that's true." "You're right. So, down the aisle tomorrow?" Seunghyun says, smirking.
"Hyung!" Daesung whines, lightly shoving him.
___
The day of the wedding is quite possibly the worst day of Seunghyun's life.
They have a traditional western Christian wedding, seeing as they're both deeply religious. Church and all that. Daesung was never a fan of the fast paced casual Korean wedding or the long, drawn out traditional one.
It's ten minutes before the ceremony starts and Seunghyun is standing in the backroom, sweating.
"You think you can do this, hyung?" Jiyong says, eyeing him carefully.
"What do you mean?" Seunghyun says, nonchalant.
Jiyong shrugs. "You seem nervous."
If he were good at telling the truth, Seunghyun would have said no. He would have said "I chugged a bottle of wine about two hours ago and I think it went sour because I'm about to vomit at any moment."
"I'm not the one who's nervous. Daesung, who's running around like a fucking chicken with his head cut off over there, he's the one who's nervous," Seunghyun says. Jiyong chuckles.
He and the rest of the Big Bang members are Daesung's "best men." Daesung could never just choose one of them, but somehow, Seunghyun still stands the closest. Right beside the groom.
The music starts and everyone turns to look at the bride. But Seunghyun's eyes are on Daesung. Seunghyun watches his eyes widen, his breath hitch, and his throat bob as he swallows. He watches the way Daesung rocks on the balls of his feet. The way he smiles and bites his lips. Seunghyun sees it all, drinks in every last detail.
And it seems as soon as the ceremony began, he's already fucking kissing her and then it's over. They're both walking back down the aisle as cheers and claps follow.
The whole ceremony never registered with Seunghyun. His entire focus, entire mind was just Daesung, Daesung, Daesung.
It isn't until almost everyone is gone that Seunghyun finally gets off the damn alter. It feels like he has just jumped through time. Like he's been frozen for years and only now just woken up.
Seunghyun's not sure if it's the time jump or the wine that makes him throw up in the church parking lot. Though, as he thinks about it, his stomach felt sour way before he even had one sip. Regardless, he doesn't make it to the reception.
Daesung texts him, "hyung where r u??? :(" And Seunghyun almost doesn't reply, but he feels Daesung at least deserves that much.
"sorry. felt sick. i think i ate something bad," Seunghyun replies before turning off his phone. He crawls into bed and sleeps for what feels like ten hours.
___
"Why do you hold his hand?" a cameraman asks, as Seunghyun and Daesung walk to the next set location of the Tonight music video. Seunghyun sees him smirk from behind the lens and knows where this is going.
"Don't get the wrong idea!" Daesung says quickly.
Seunghyun smirks himself. "I do it because Daesung likes it," he says, grabbing onto Daesung's arm.
"Hyung!" Daesung whines with a laugh as they make eye contact. "Why are you doing this?"
Daesung begins to drift away, his shoulder hitting a fence instead of escaping. Seunghyun clings onto him tighter and doesn't say anything as they continue walking.
The cameraman pipes up again, "Why do you hold his hand?"
Seunghyun looks up into the lens. He's just barely clinging onto Daesung's arm now as Daesung is trying so very hard to get away.
"Honestly?" Seunghyun says. "It's like my instinct. The more he avoids me, the more I want to hold his hand."
Daesung escapes him then. Seunghyun's arm is still stretched out, like he expects Daesung to grab back on. But he never does.
Daesung banters with the cameraman and the others a bit more but Seunghyun is distracted, arm still outstretched. Soon enough, he comes to his senses and places it back at his side before anyone can notice.
And then, it was soon after that, almost like blinking, when they weren't allowed to see him.
For six long months, they weren't allowed to see Daesung.
Seunghyun almost lost it so many times, having to hold back his tears and his anger any time Daesung was mentioned. Mostly because it was never something positive. It was either something about how they pitied him or how Daesung should be working hard to make the public forgive him. Forgive him for a fucking accident.
Their manager kept him updated, briefly. But it was always the same message. "He's doing well," or "He's fine, don't worry." After awhile Seunghyun began to really doubt any of that.
It wasn't until the day before they were due to jet off to London that Seunghyun saw Daesung again. Seunghyun told himself to give him space, to let Daesung ease himself back into the motions. But Seunghyun couldn't help it.
"Daesung," Seunghyun says.
"Hyung," Daesung says back.
They stand in the middle of a crowded airport, silent, starring. There are a million words on the tip of Seunghyun's tongue. So many things he wants to say but can't find the courage to.
Where did you go? I never stopped thinking about you. How are you? I saw a picture of you, you looked good. You look good now. You always look good.
But he stays silent. And then Daesung laughs awkwardly before saying, "It's good to see you again, hyung."
"Yeah, it's... it's good to see you too," Seunghyun says and god it's so fucking awkward. They were never this awkward.
Their manager breaks them up, rushing them to get into the terminal and on the plane. They end up spending the entire twenty hour flight in separate seats, not next to each other. When they get to London, it's not much different. They arrive in the evening, head straight for the hotel and their own rooms.
Seunghyun tosses and turns in his own bed for four hours before he finds himself at the door of Daesung's hotel suite at one in the morning.
"Hyung?" Daesung says, sleepy eyed as he answers the door. He looks to the clock and then back to Seunghyun. "It's one in the--."
"--I know, I'm sorry. But--I--... I mean... can I?" Seunghyun gestures to past Daesung as his words fail him.
"Can you what?" Daesung asks.
"I need to--- I need to sleep with you--Next to you," Seunghyun says.
He blushes as Daesung's eyes go wide for split second, but just as quick they turn into familiar creases as Daesung smiles.
"Yeah, okay," he says and lets Seunghyun in.
They don't exchange words as they climb into bed together. Seunghyun feels a nervousness and an excitement that this is actually happening. Though he shouldn't, because this has happened dozens of times before. With Daesung and the other members. It's not unusual that they sleep next to each other for comfort.
But this time it's different. What with their lack of communication for months and their awkward reunion(if you could call it that) in the airport.
But when Seunghyun lies behind Daesung and slowly, gently curls an arm around Daesung's torso, Daesung lets out a content sigh and it feels like coming home.
The tears come before Seunghyun can stop them.
"Hyung?" Daesung says. "Are you crying?"
Seunghyun grasps onto Daesung tighter as he lies. "No."
"You are," Daesung says. And then Seunghyun feels Daesung's hand snake into his own. Seunghyun laces their fingers on instinct and the words just pour out of him.
"I missed you so much. I was so worried. I cried a lot. I wanted to see you. They wouldn't let me," Seunghyun says in nearly one breath and has to gasp in air when he's done.
Daesung shushes him softly. "It's okay, I'm here," he says.
Seunghyun's a wreck, nervously digging his thumb into Daesung's palm as he cries silently. Daesung lets him and part of Seunghyun feels selfish for that. It should be Seunghyun comforting Daesung, not the other way around. But Daesung never, ever acts like it's even a problem and Seunghyun is so grateful.
"Let's sleep, okay?" Daesung says. Seunghyun nods even though Daesung can't see and drifts off as he continuously rubs Daesung's fingers with his own.
The next day is his birthday. . Seunghyun had been so concerned with Daesung that he almost forgets until people start wishing him a happy birthday. He's glad to be able to spend it with his members and favorite staff members. But really, it's Daesung who makes the day seem special.
It's not just that he's actually there, but that he doesn't make anything awkward. Someone like Seungri or Jiyong would be quick to make a jab at how Seunghyun "was such a crybaby" last night or something. Daesung doesn't; never would.
Sure, there's cake and wine and friends. But nothing compares to Seunghyun being able to see Daesung laugh and smile. It's as if he was never gone.
In between photo shoots the next day, they're outside, waiting for the set up for the next shoot to be done. It's getting dark and Seunghyun would rather just go back to his hotel room for the night.
"Hey, since it's getting dark we should just be done for the day right?" Seunghyun says to the photographer, doing a little premature victory dance as he says it.
"We can just use the flash," the photographer says back and Seunghyun slumps a little.
But then he catches Daesung sitting by his lonesome out of the corner of his eye and immediately plops down next to him. Daesung starts smiling, although a bit nervously.
"You like me being affectionate, don't you?" Seunghyun says, wrapping his arms around the younger man. He gently begins to dig his fingers into the muscle of Daesung's arm, massaging it.
"Were you happy that it was your birthday yesterday?" Daesung says, changing the subject. Seunghyun doesn't mind.
"That's right! But no one said happy birthday to me!" Seunghyun says jokingly.
"What are you talking about? Everyone said it!" Daesung says, laughing.
"Who, who--?"
"Come on, we had a cake and everything, hyung," Daesung says.
"No, no one even sang the song! I just did it by myself at the hotel," Seunghyun says with a little pout. Daesung just giggles and giggles. Seunghyun clings onto him a little tighter.
"Well, happy birthday anyway," Daesung says.
"Happy birthday dear Seunghyun...," Seunghyun begins to sing.
Daesung takes the hint. "Happy birthday.. to..."
"Ugh! You can't even finish the song!" Seunghyun sounds upset, yet he wraps his arms a little tighter and digs his fingers more insistently. Daesung squirms a bit, yet still lets out little bursts of laugher here and there.
"This.. this is really... right?" Daesung says.
Seunghyun laughs. "What? What are you saying?" Seunghyun asks.
"I mean, it doesn't matter if I finish the song. Since we're like one, it'd be like wishing myself a happy birthday--."
"I already told you I sang the song to myself yesterday," Seunghyun says.
"Right.. so I don't have to sing it again. Because.. we're one?" Daesung says.
"What you're saying doesn't even make any sense!" Seunghyun laughs and gently taps Daesung on the face.
Daesung doesn't have a response, he just laughs as Seunghyun rants on about people switching his birthday around and how he knows when his birthday is.
This is exactly the sort of comfort Seunghyun wants; Seunghyun needs. Being able to hold Daesung. Being able to joke and playfully argue with him. It's as if these past two days have made up for everything Seunghyun missed in the six months Daesung was gone. Just two days makes Seunghyun forget all the anxiety and depression he went through.
___
Seunghyun watches from across the room as Daesung is distracted by his phone. He practically jumps with glee every time he gets a new text, smiling from ear to ear as he reads it and replies.
It's driving Seunghyun nuts. "Who are you texting?" he asks.
Daesung looks up at him, surprised. "Hm? Oh, no one."
"Doesn't seem like no one," Seunghyun says. Daesung shys away.
"It is no one," Daesung says with a pout, seemingly embarrassed. But as soon as his phone buzzes his smile returns, just like that.
Seunghyun furrows his brows. He's not sure why, but he doesn't like this. Not one bit.
But really, it was a sign. A big, obvious one with neon flashing lights. And Seunghyun had chosen to ignore it. That is, until he couldn't. Until it was thrust into his face. Until Daesung showed up to his own birthday party with a girl on his arm.
"This is my girlfriend, Jaeyeon," Daesung says proudly. Seunghyun watches in completely disgust as her dainty hands clasp onto his own. As she clings to his side and tucks her hair behind her ear like she's shy.
Of course everyone welcomes her with open arms and admit how happy they are for them.
Seunghyun can't. He goes from disgust, to anger, and finally to sadness. He knows Daesung has had secret girlfriends in the past, but they've never been introduced to any of them. The whole situation makes him upset in a way he can't explain. He retreats to the bathroom in hopes to calm himself down before he makes a scene.
But as soon as he's out of the sight of others, the tears start falling and he can't stop them. Seeing himself in the mirror is pathetic. Every time he tries to wipe his face more tears fall. Someone can probably hear his sniffling from outside. He needs to leave.
Upon exiting the bathroom he bumps right into Seungri.
"Oh, hyung!" Seungri says, trying to keep his drink from spilling. Their eyes meet and even though Seungri is probably well on his way to drunk, the way his face falls says everything. "Are you--?"
"--Fine. Just fine, maknae." Seunghyun shoves his way past him and out the front door.
___
Now, it's been two years since they met, and only one year since they've been married. But no matter how much time passes, Seunghyun can't get used to the idea of them, of her.
It's a really ugly trait. Being so mad and repulsed with two people who are so happy. Seunghyun knows this, yet can't stop his feelings of jealously.
When it's just the two of them, he and Daesung, it makes the whole thing easier. Daesung doesn't really talk about her and Seunghyun never brings her up. Daesung's always been like that. He's always been very private about his relationships.
But Daesung changes that.
Daesung throws a little house party. Really mostly just the members of Big Bang and a few close acquaintances. People from Daesung's church and some other YG related people. Some of whom were more likely invited by Jiyong or Seungri. Probably not more than ten people although Seunghyun doesn't really care to do a head count.
And, not to mention, Jaeyeon.
Seunghyun successfully ignores her as he drinks and shares old stories with the others. Fondly recalling of times when he got lost from the other members because he fell asleep somewhere. They all laugh and even though it's at his expense, Seunghyun laughs too.
The chatter dies down when Daesung clinks his glass.
"So I brought all of you here for a reason," Daesung says. He and Jaeyeon are standing in the middle of the room. He pulls her close as she tries to put on an act of being shy. Seunghyun holds back a sneer. "We wanted to announce," Daesung pauses, taking a deep breath, "we're expecting!"
The room erupts in cheers and congratulations. And Seunghyun becomes deaf to it all.
Expecting? A child?
It's the final nail in the coffin. Seunghyun could ignore her when she was just a girlfriend, even when she was a wife. But now she's pregnant and there's no way Seunghyun can ignore that.
"I need a smoke," Seunghyun says under his breath before heading for the balcony.
It's only when he gets outside and out of ear shot that he lets out the deep sigh he's been holding in. He doesn't take out his cigarettes, just leans on the railing and rubs at his temples. He feels like crying but knows it would be so pointless. He's just so tired.
It gets harder every day. So many times his resolve is tested. It could be something so small as seeing Daesung smile that has all his feelings rushing back to him like a flash flood. It happens so quickly that by the time he notices his ankles are wet, the water has already risen to his waist. Then before he knows it, he's drowning, drowning in the feelings he's tried so very hard to keep in check.
Lost in his self loathing, he doesn't hear the balcony door open. Doesn't know there's another person there until they open their mouth.
"I thought you were going to smoke?" Seungri says. It's more of a statement than a question.
"I was getting to it," Seunghyun says.
"Sure, hyung." Seungri doesn't argue but his sarcastic tone gives him away.
"What do you want?" Seunghyun asks bitterly, wanting to just be left alone.
"I want you to stop this, hyung. I hate seeing you like this," Seungri says, and he does a good job of sounding concerned. Seunghyun isn't about to believe him just yet.
"Oh, like what? Without a cigarette in my hand? I told you I was getting to--"
"Cut the bullshit, hyung! I'm serious!" Seungri looks almost pissed before his eyes soften to something sadder. "You don't think we know? You don't think we don't see it every time you look at him? You're miserable. Absolutely miserable."
Seunghyun turns away, it gets hard to look him in the eye. "You don't know anything," Seunghyun says.
"Oh, so you think I don't know when you locked yourself in the bathroom and cried on his thirty-third birthday?" Seungri says and god, it stings.
"Shut up," Seunghyun says.
"You need to let him go. You need to find someone else. I hate seeing you torture yourself like--."
Seunghyun spins back around, furious. "Don't you think I've fucking tried?!"
Seungri looks taken aback, suddenly looking younger than his actual age. It's a sign for Seunghyun to back off but he just can't.
"Do you know how many times I've tried? How many years I've suffered? You say you're concerned and shit but you don't know a damn thing!" Seunghyun pushes past him and back inside.
"I'm leaving." Seunghyun grabs his coat. "Congratulations," he says curtly before reaching for the door.
"Oh, wait! Let me drive you home," Daesung says and the conversation in the room stops.
Seunghyun pauses. He should just run, run as far as his legs will take him but he doesn't refuse; can never refuse Daesung.
"Sure," Seunghyun says. He doesn't turn around to say it.
With Daesung following silently, they make their way to Daesung's car. Daesung keeps a careful distance between them. It's almost as if he is getting further with each step. Not physically exactly, but emotionally. Daesung is emotionally separating himself from Seunghyun with each step, he can feel it.
The more Daesung avoids him, the more Seunghyun wants to hold his hand. That holds true even now.
When they get into the car, there's no music. No, it's completely silent save for the sound of the car itself. Seunghyun busies himself with starring out the window, hoping it's enough to distract him on the drive home.
When Daesung clears his throat, it suddenly isn't.
"You know, I always kind of knew... your feelings for me that is," Daesung says and Seunghyun can feel his stomach sink. It reminds him of Daesung's wedding day. "But I lied to myself. I don't know, maybe I didn't want to believe you liked me like that. But then... I saw the pictures from my wedding...."
Seunghyun furrows his brows in confusion. He knows he made sure to be as poised and composed as possible. He knows he did nothing out of the ordinary so--
"Hyung, in every single picture, you were looking at me. And you looked so... Well, then I knew I couldn't ignore it any longer." Daesung sighs. "I thought maybe you were just looking at the two of us like everyone else, but, no, it was just me. Only me. And that look in your eyes. I don't know how to explain it."
Seunghyun turns away from the window and Daesung spares him the briefest glance and it hurts, oh it hurts. Daesung looks like he fucking pities Seunghyun and it almost makes him sick.
"It's not like we were in the group, on TV. It couldn't be excused as fanservice. And Seunghyun hyung, I know... I know you don't want to hear this, but---."
Seunghyun's voice is barely a whisper as he says, "Please don't, please don't say it."
"---I'm not in love with you---." Daesung doesn't hear him.
Seunghyun's heart sinks at that moment. It hits his stomach and Seunghyun can feel it churning inside. Like the feeling when you're about to throw up; dizzy, warm, and nauseous.
"---I mean, it's not like, I don't love you at all. But I don't love you like I love my wife," Daesung says.
And Seunghyun knows he goes on, he keeps talking but Seunghyun can only hear him distantly. As if they weren't sitting next to each other in the same car. It's like they're in a fucking Peanuts cartoon and Daesung only sounds like that eerie "wah wah wah" noise the adults make.
He sounds so far away when he had always felt so close. Just right within Seunghyun's grasp. Seunghyun had hoped that one day, one day he could finally reach Daesung. And then for once he wouldn't try to run away. Maybe he would realize that she wasn't the right one for him and Seunghyun had been the right choice all along.
But now they're having a child together. It's not as if they can just break up without consequences. Seunghyun now realizes how foolish that way of thinking was. He sort of always knew, but had managed to bury the thought.
"Hyung?" Daesung says, and Seunghyun hears it but he doesn't acknowledge it. He just turns back to the window, he doesn't want Daesung to see him like this.
Daesung doesn't bother to say anything else for the rest of the drive. Seunghyun hopes it's because he's out of things to say and not out of pity. That's the last thing he needs right now.
When they get to Seunghyun's house, Seunghyun goes to open the car door only to find it locked. He keeps jiggling the handle but no matter how hard he tries it won't budge.
"Hyung...," Daesung says.
"Let me out," Seunghyun whispers, still refusing to look at Daesung.
"Is that all you're going to say to me?" Daesung says, and he almost sounds mad that Seunghyun is acting like his heart has just been broken.
"Let. Me. Out." It's all Seunghyun is willing to say.
Daesung sighs. "You need to understand that I don't hate you and that I do love you. It's just a different type of love."
"Please, please let me out." Seunghyun hates how broken he sounds. He doesn't want to be seen like this.
"Hyung, seriously. Listen I--."
"Would you just let me out of the fucking car please?!" Seunghyun yells so loud that his voice cracks. Daesung jumps back at the sound.
The lock clicks and Seunghyun practically throws open the door and runs inside his house. He doesn't look back, doesn't look to see if Daesung is gone or not. He doesn't want to know.
Once he's inside he doesn't know what to do, where to go. He's angry, heartbroken, and above all humiliated. Where does one go from here?
One thing Seunghyun knows is that he can't stay here. As much as it's going to hurt, he can't stay.
It was so much easier living in a fantasy. Thinking that one day Daesung would drop everything in his life just to tell Seunghyun that he was the one all along. For as long as Seunghyun hoped that would happen, he knew it was a lie. Still, he bought into it.
But now, Seunghyun has been rejected. And what's worse is that everyone knows.
God, they probably talk about him. With the mouth Seungri has, he probably told everyone what he saw on Daesung's birthday. They probably "feel sorry" for him.
It's just more pity that Seunghyun doesn't want or need. What he needs right now is a plan.
Slumping down onto his couch in the dark of his living room, Seunghyun tries to sort out his thoughts. He thinks what life would be like if he were to stay and try to work out his relationships. Long separations from Daesung always feel like torture. It makes Seunghyun unsure of whether or not it's better to stay or go. But it already kills him to see Daesung dote on his now pregnant wife and he couldn't imagine the torture of actually seeing their kid.
Seunghyun doesn't think he could ever hate an innocent child, but a part of him is afraid that he would. Jaeyeon is probably one of the sweetest people Seunghyun has ever met, and he hates her fucking guts.
It quickly becomes obvious to Seunghyun that he needs to get away. At least until he can sort out his feelings. Seunghyun chuckles to himself at that thought. He's been in love with a man who doesn't love him back for over twenty years, how many more years would it take to even begin to forget?
But where will he go? Korea is too small of a country. Even if he went all the way down to Busan or Jeju, he would be tempted to drive or fly back as soon as he could. No, he needs to go somewhere far, far away.
Seunghyun pulls out his phone and looks at all the possible flights for the morning. The earliest of the early. The majority of them are to various parts of South East Asia. All too close. Then he sees one in the morning for America. It's not too far either, but it's a start.
Seunghyun books it without thinking twice. From Seoul to Los Angeles. If he needs to go further, he knows he can. America is just a starting point.
He grabs the first suitcase he finds and packs only what he needs. Mostly clothes and a couple pairs of shoes. He can buy whatever toiletries he needs abroad. His bank account is bottomless. Hell, he could probably just buy new clothes.
It's only a little after midnight and the flight doesn't leave until six. Still, he calls a cab to charter him there. Wouldn't be the first time he spent hours in an airport.
He's about to turn his phone off and leave it there for good when he gets a message. His finger is on the off button, he doesn't have to read the message, but his curiosity gets the best of him.
"hyung please open the door."
It's from Daesung. He's still outside.
In barely a full five seconds after reading it, Seunghyun is thinking about how he could still cancel the flight and the cab. He shakes his head, and for once thinks no.
"i can't," is all Seunghyun replies. His fingers shake as he types it, tears welling up in his eyes.
"I love you so much but I can't," Seunghyun says to himself.
He waits, sits and waits at least ten minutes before he hears Daesung walk off the steps and his car drive away. He never gets a reply back. Part of him is thankful for that.
It's soon after that that his cab arrives. He leaves his phone on his coffee table.
___
"Hello?"
"Youngbae?" Seunghyun says.
".. Hyung?" Youngbae says. "Why are you calling me so late?" His voice sounds groggy.
"I needed to call someone neutral," Seunghyun says.
"Someone neutral? What?" Youngbae asks.
"Look, just listen. I don't want anyone to worry. So if anyone asks I'm going on a vacation and I'll be fine," Seunghyun says.
"Okay. But why are you telling me this again?" Youngbae pauses. "At five in the morning? Where are you? It wasn't your number."
"Phone in the airport. And it's complicated, okay. I thought about it and you're the only person who I can talk to right now without it being even more complicated," Seunghyun says.
"... This is about Daesung, isn't it?"
Seunghyun slams the phone into the receiver. After a momentary shock, he sighs. It was kind of dumb to think he knew anyone who would be none the wiser to his and Daesung's situation by now. Shit, Daesung probably confided in all of them when he got back. He sucks at confrontation just as much as Seunghyun does. Probably why it took so many years for him to actually acknowledge Seunghyun's feelings.
But at least he was able to hang up before getting an earful. Seunghyun knows someone like Jiyong or Seungri or Dongwook would be quick to lecture him.
Sighing, Seunghyun returns to his gate to await his flight. It's funny, because he's doing this so he can have time to forget, to recuperate, but for the past few hours he's only managed to think about Daesung. How he misses him already. How he wants to go back and apologize. How he wants to talk things through.
But Seunghyun knows if he goes back, even if they did manage to still be friends, it wouldn't work out. Because right now, he's still in love with him. And being close to him won't help.
Seunghyun thinks he will be able to go back, someday. Definitely not anytime soon, but he would hate to never see Daesung, or anyone else really, ever again.
For now, only time can tell.
Poll
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Big Bang
Pairing: TOP/Daesung
Summary: Seunghyun struggles to face reality when it comes to his feelings for Daesung.
Author's Note: thanks to the mystery beta from my team!
Prompt Used: K.Will - "Please Don't"
"Hyung, I can't believe you still don't have your drivers license!" Daesung says with a laugh.
Seunghyun doesn't say anything, he just slumps in his seat with a shy smile and watches Daesung out of the corner of his eye as they take off out of the parking lot.
They've just left Seungri's birthday party. And while Seungri is comfortable still partying it up in his "old" age, neither of them can quite do the same anymore. They both couldn't stand the club scene for more than a couple hours. They had enough of that in their twenties.
A silence settles in the car as they drive onto the freeway. Daesung doesn't like silences like this. The mood always needs to be "up" for him. Seunghyun knows, from all the times there had been infighting within the group, Daesung would always be the one making jokes.
"So do you think you're ever going to learn how to drive?" Daesung asks.
"I know how to drive," Seunghyun replies curtly, a bit too quick. "I mean, I just don't feel like doing it."
"Why not?" Daesung asks.
Seunghyun very well can't say because sometimes this is the only time that he gets to spend alone with Daesung. It's the only time that he can watch Daesung without getting caught, because Daesung needs to watch the road. And Seunghyun very well can't say that he misses Daesung and really hates how he never has any free time anymore.
"I don't know," he says instead.
"Well you should! Isn't it kind of pathetic to be near forty and having to be driven around like a kid?" Daesung says. It's not a very strong joke. Seunghyun gets about ten jabs a day about his "old age," but coming from Daesung, for once it seems a little funny.
Seunghyun lets out a slight chuckle. "I'm only thirty-seven. And you're the one driving me everywhere, so who's the idiot here?"
"I didn't say you were an idiot," Daesung says.
"I know."
They return to a silence after that, it's not an awkward one though. Daesung turns on some music and the first song shuffled to is an old solo of his. He immediately skips it.
"No wait, go back," Seunghyun says.
"Oh my gosh, why? You and I have heard that song like, a thousand times. It's so old!" Daesung says, and the whine in his voice is cute.
"But I like it," Seunghyun says meekly.
With a sigh, Daesung puts the song back on.
It's "Try smiling." Seunghyun remembers when their first full album came out, and Seunghyun had been so proud of it, really. But no matter how much he might of liked his own solo, or any of the other songs, this was the song he'd played the most. Even before he had realized how much he really liked Daesung back then, he absolutely loved his voice from the very beginning.
"I can't even sing like this anymore," Daesung says with a bit of a nervous laugh.
"I don't care. Your voice is always nice, Daesungie," Seunghyun says, and he dares spare more than a glance at him. Daesung smiles wide, so much that his dimples show and his eyes crinkle.
By the time the song is over, they're at Seunghyun's house. Daesung parks the car but he doesn't it turn it off. It's really late, so Seunghyun shouldn't be expecting it, that Daesung wouldn't want to come in, but it still hurts when he notices.
Seunghyun unbuckles his seatbelt and moves to get out, but not before reaching over the middle console and giving Daesung a hug. Daesung laughs slightly as he does.
"Can never leave without a hug, can you?" he says.
"Nope, never," Seunghyun says, briefly looking into Daesung's eyes as he pulls back. Before he departs completely, Seunghyun lets his hand travel down from Daesung's shoulder to his arm and finally his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before letting go completely. "Good night, Daesungie."
"Goodnight, hyung," Daesung says and Seunghyun climbs out of the car. "Learn how to drive before next time!" Daesung yells before Seunghyun shuts the door.
"Never!" Seunghyun yells back, cupping his hands over his mouth, as Daesung pulls away. The windows are tinted, but Seunghyun can still see Daesung's ever bright smile.
Seunghyun watches his car until it disappears around a corner and it's only until then that he finally goes inside his house.
It's rare to have those moments like that with Daesung nowadays. He's learned to cherish every second.
___
Tomorrow is the day.
Tomorrow is the day Daesung gets married.
It's hard to imagine, even now, any of them getting married. Even though Jiyong got married over five years ago, after whining for so long about it. But really, everyone expected him to get married early. And Seungri and Youngbae both have steady girlfriends. Seunghyun still thinks of them all as fresh, young, twenty somethings with their futures ahead of them. Hard to imagine they're all in their early thirties now.
Hard to imagine they're going to the rehearsal for Daesung's wedding today. Seunghyun has tried to make himself believe that Daesung's girlfriend hasn't existed for the past year. He still tries to forget the day she was introduced to all of them. Her, smiling so innocently, and Daesung, looking so proud--
"Hyung? You okay? You look mad," Daesung says as he sits next to Seunghyun.
"I'm not mad," Seunghyun says, quickly forcing a happier expression.
"Well, then stop looking so upset!" Daesung smiles in that perfect way of his, where his whole entire face lights up and you can't help but smile at the sight of it. "That's better," Daesung says.
If only he knew the reason Seunghyun smiles is because of him.
"You know, I was thinking," Seunghyun starts.
"Hm?"
"Tomorrow, I should piggyback you down the aisle." Seunghyun smirks.
"Oh my gosh, no, hyung! Please don't do that, Jaeyeon would be so mad," Daesung laughs, but there's a serious undertone to his voice.
"Bitch," Seunghyun thinks to himself. "Like she can stop me," he says instead.
"No, nooo," Daesung says laughing and waving his hands. "I'll never hear the end of it!"
Seunghyun shrugs. "So? Not my problem."
"I'll drop you!" Daesung says, his laughter completely eradicating any seriousness. Seunghyun tch's and rolls his eyes. "I will!" Daesung reiterates.
"Sure, sure." Seunghyun waves a hand at him.
"Hyung, seriously!" Daesung grabs his arm. "Seriously."
Seunghyun gives him a sly look, like he's considering it. "Hmm... okay but after the ceremony you definitely owe me a piggyback."
"When don't I owe you a piggyback?" Daesung says with a raised brow.
Seunghyun nods his head to the side, as if to say "well that's true." "You're right. So, down the aisle tomorrow?" Seunghyun says, smirking.
"Hyung!" Daesung whines, lightly shoving him.
___
The day of the wedding is quite possibly the worst day of Seunghyun's life.
They have a traditional western Christian wedding, seeing as they're both deeply religious. Church and all that. Daesung was never a fan of the fast paced casual Korean wedding or the long, drawn out traditional one.
It's ten minutes before the ceremony starts and Seunghyun is standing in the backroom, sweating.
"You think you can do this, hyung?" Jiyong says, eyeing him carefully.
"What do you mean?" Seunghyun says, nonchalant.
Jiyong shrugs. "You seem nervous."
If he were good at telling the truth, Seunghyun would have said no. He would have said "I chugged a bottle of wine about two hours ago and I think it went sour because I'm about to vomit at any moment."
"I'm not the one who's nervous. Daesung, who's running around like a fucking chicken with his head cut off over there, he's the one who's nervous," Seunghyun says. Jiyong chuckles.
He and the rest of the Big Bang members are Daesung's "best men." Daesung could never just choose one of them, but somehow, Seunghyun still stands the closest. Right beside the groom.
The music starts and everyone turns to look at the bride. But Seunghyun's eyes are on Daesung. Seunghyun watches his eyes widen, his breath hitch, and his throat bob as he swallows. He watches the way Daesung rocks on the balls of his feet. The way he smiles and bites his lips. Seunghyun sees it all, drinks in every last detail.
And it seems as soon as the ceremony began, he's already fucking kissing her and then it's over. They're both walking back down the aisle as cheers and claps follow.
The whole ceremony never registered with Seunghyun. His entire focus, entire mind was just Daesung, Daesung, Daesung.
It isn't until almost everyone is gone that Seunghyun finally gets off the damn alter. It feels like he has just jumped through time. Like he's been frozen for years and only now just woken up.
Seunghyun's not sure if it's the time jump or the wine that makes him throw up in the church parking lot. Though, as he thinks about it, his stomach felt sour way before he even had one sip. Regardless, he doesn't make it to the reception.
Daesung texts him, "hyung where r u??? :(" And Seunghyun almost doesn't reply, but he feels Daesung at least deserves that much.
"sorry. felt sick. i think i ate something bad," Seunghyun replies before turning off his phone. He crawls into bed and sleeps for what feels like ten hours.
___
"Why do you hold his hand?" a cameraman asks, as Seunghyun and Daesung walk to the next set location of the Tonight music video. Seunghyun sees him smirk from behind the lens and knows where this is going.
"Don't get the wrong idea!" Daesung says quickly.
Seunghyun smirks himself. "I do it because Daesung likes it," he says, grabbing onto Daesung's arm.
"Hyung!" Daesung whines with a laugh as they make eye contact. "Why are you doing this?"
Daesung begins to drift away, his shoulder hitting a fence instead of escaping. Seunghyun clings onto him tighter and doesn't say anything as they continue walking.
The cameraman pipes up again, "Why do you hold his hand?"
Seunghyun looks up into the lens. He's just barely clinging onto Daesung's arm now as Daesung is trying so very hard to get away.
"Honestly?" Seunghyun says. "It's like my instinct. The more he avoids me, the more I want to hold his hand."
Daesung escapes him then. Seunghyun's arm is still stretched out, like he expects Daesung to grab back on. But he never does.
Daesung banters with the cameraman and the others a bit more but Seunghyun is distracted, arm still outstretched. Soon enough, he comes to his senses and places it back at his side before anyone can notice.
And then, it was soon after that, almost like blinking, when they weren't allowed to see him.
For six long months, they weren't allowed to see Daesung.
Seunghyun almost lost it so many times, having to hold back his tears and his anger any time Daesung was mentioned. Mostly because it was never something positive. It was either something about how they pitied him or how Daesung should be working hard to make the public forgive him. Forgive him for a fucking accident.
Their manager kept him updated, briefly. But it was always the same message. "He's doing well," or "He's fine, don't worry." After awhile Seunghyun began to really doubt any of that.
It wasn't until the day before they were due to jet off to London that Seunghyun saw Daesung again. Seunghyun told himself to give him space, to let Daesung ease himself back into the motions. But Seunghyun couldn't help it.
"Daesung," Seunghyun says.
"Hyung," Daesung says back.
They stand in the middle of a crowded airport, silent, starring. There are a million words on the tip of Seunghyun's tongue. So many things he wants to say but can't find the courage to.
Where did you go? I never stopped thinking about you. How are you? I saw a picture of you, you looked good. You look good now. You always look good.
But he stays silent. And then Daesung laughs awkwardly before saying, "It's good to see you again, hyung."
"Yeah, it's... it's good to see you too," Seunghyun says and god it's so fucking awkward. They were never this awkward.
Their manager breaks them up, rushing them to get into the terminal and on the plane. They end up spending the entire twenty hour flight in separate seats, not next to each other. When they get to London, it's not much different. They arrive in the evening, head straight for the hotel and their own rooms.
Seunghyun tosses and turns in his own bed for four hours before he finds himself at the door of Daesung's hotel suite at one in the morning.
"Hyung?" Daesung says, sleepy eyed as he answers the door. He looks to the clock and then back to Seunghyun. "It's one in the--."
"--I know, I'm sorry. But--I--... I mean... can I?" Seunghyun gestures to past Daesung as his words fail him.
"Can you what?" Daesung asks.
"I need to--- I need to sleep with you--Next to you," Seunghyun says.
He blushes as Daesung's eyes go wide for split second, but just as quick they turn into familiar creases as Daesung smiles.
"Yeah, okay," he says and lets Seunghyun in.
They don't exchange words as they climb into bed together. Seunghyun feels a nervousness and an excitement that this is actually happening. Though he shouldn't, because this has happened dozens of times before. With Daesung and the other members. It's not unusual that they sleep next to each other for comfort.
But this time it's different. What with their lack of communication for months and their awkward reunion(if you could call it that) in the airport.
But when Seunghyun lies behind Daesung and slowly, gently curls an arm around Daesung's torso, Daesung lets out a content sigh and it feels like coming home.
The tears come before Seunghyun can stop them.
"Hyung?" Daesung says. "Are you crying?"
Seunghyun grasps onto Daesung tighter as he lies. "No."
"You are," Daesung says. And then Seunghyun feels Daesung's hand snake into his own. Seunghyun laces their fingers on instinct and the words just pour out of him.
"I missed you so much. I was so worried. I cried a lot. I wanted to see you. They wouldn't let me," Seunghyun says in nearly one breath and has to gasp in air when he's done.
Daesung shushes him softly. "It's okay, I'm here," he says.
Seunghyun's a wreck, nervously digging his thumb into Daesung's palm as he cries silently. Daesung lets him and part of Seunghyun feels selfish for that. It should be Seunghyun comforting Daesung, not the other way around. But Daesung never, ever acts like it's even a problem and Seunghyun is so grateful.
"Let's sleep, okay?" Daesung says. Seunghyun nods even though Daesung can't see and drifts off as he continuously rubs Daesung's fingers with his own.
The next day is his birthday. . Seunghyun had been so concerned with Daesung that he almost forgets until people start wishing him a happy birthday. He's glad to be able to spend it with his members and favorite staff members. But really, it's Daesung who makes the day seem special.
It's not just that he's actually there, but that he doesn't make anything awkward. Someone like Seungri or Jiyong would be quick to make a jab at how Seunghyun "was such a crybaby" last night or something. Daesung doesn't; never would.
Sure, there's cake and wine and friends. But nothing compares to Seunghyun being able to see Daesung laugh and smile. It's as if he was never gone.
In between photo shoots the next day, they're outside, waiting for the set up for the next shoot to be done. It's getting dark and Seunghyun would rather just go back to his hotel room for the night.
"Hey, since it's getting dark we should just be done for the day right?" Seunghyun says to the photographer, doing a little premature victory dance as he says it.
"We can just use the flash," the photographer says back and Seunghyun slumps a little.
But then he catches Daesung sitting by his lonesome out of the corner of his eye and immediately plops down next to him. Daesung starts smiling, although a bit nervously.
"You like me being affectionate, don't you?" Seunghyun says, wrapping his arms around the younger man. He gently begins to dig his fingers into the muscle of Daesung's arm, massaging it.
"Were you happy that it was your birthday yesterday?" Daesung says, changing the subject. Seunghyun doesn't mind.
"That's right! But no one said happy birthday to me!" Seunghyun says jokingly.
"What are you talking about? Everyone said it!" Daesung says, laughing.
"Who, who--?"
"Come on, we had a cake and everything, hyung," Daesung says.
"No, no one even sang the song! I just did it by myself at the hotel," Seunghyun says with a little pout. Daesung just giggles and giggles. Seunghyun clings onto him a little tighter.
"Well, happy birthday anyway," Daesung says.
"Happy birthday dear Seunghyun...," Seunghyun begins to sing.
Daesung takes the hint. "Happy birthday.. to..."
"Ugh! You can't even finish the song!" Seunghyun sounds upset, yet he wraps his arms a little tighter and digs his fingers more insistently. Daesung squirms a bit, yet still lets out little bursts of laugher here and there.
"This.. this is really... right?" Daesung says.
Seunghyun laughs. "What? What are you saying?" Seunghyun asks.
"I mean, it doesn't matter if I finish the song. Since we're like one, it'd be like wishing myself a happy birthday--."
"I already told you I sang the song to myself yesterday," Seunghyun says.
"Right.. so I don't have to sing it again. Because.. we're one?" Daesung says.
"What you're saying doesn't even make any sense!" Seunghyun laughs and gently taps Daesung on the face.
Daesung doesn't have a response, he just laughs as Seunghyun rants on about people switching his birthday around and how he knows when his birthday is.
This is exactly the sort of comfort Seunghyun wants; Seunghyun needs. Being able to hold Daesung. Being able to joke and playfully argue with him. It's as if these past two days have made up for everything Seunghyun missed in the six months Daesung was gone. Just two days makes Seunghyun forget all the anxiety and depression he went through.
___
Seunghyun watches from across the room as Daesung is distracted by his phone. He practically jumps with glee every time he gets a new text, smiling from ear to ear as he reads it and replies.
It's driving Seunghyun nuts. "Who are you texting?" he asks.
Daesung looks up at him, surprised. "Hm? Oh, no one."
"Doesn't seem like no one," Seunghyun says. Daesung shys away.
"It is no one," Daesung says with a pout, seemingly embarrassed. But as soon as his phone buzzes his smile returns, just like that.
Seunghyun furrows his brows. He's not sure why, but he doesn't like this. Not one bit.
But really, it was a sign. A big, obvious one with neon flashing lights. And Seunghyun had chosen to ignore it. That is, until he couldn't. Until it was thrust into his face. Until Daesung showed up to his own birthday party with a girl on his arm.
"This is my girlfriend, Jaeyeon," Daesung says proudly. Seunghyun watches in completely disgust as her dainty hands clasp onto his own. As she clings to his side and tucks her hair behind her ear like she's shy.
Of course everyone welcomes her with open arms and admit how happy they are for them.
Seunghyun can't. He goes from disgust, to anger, and finally to sadness. He knows Daesung has had secret girlfriends in the past, but they've never been introduced to any of them. The whole situation makes him upset in a way he can't explain. He retreats to the bathroom in hopes to calm himself down before he makes a scene.
But as soon as he's out of the sight of others, the tears start falling and he can't stop them. Seeing himself in the mirror is pathetic. Every time he tries to wipe his face more tears fall. Someone can probably hear his sniffling from outside. He needs to leave.
Upon exiting the bathroom he bumps right into Seungri.
"Oh, hyung!" Seungri says, trying to keep his drink from spilling. Their eyes meet and even though Seungri is probably well on his way to drunk, the way his face falls says everything. "Are you--?"
"--Fine. Just fine, maknae." Seunghyun shoves his way past him and out the front door.
___
Now, it's been two years since they met, and only one year since they've been married. But no matter how much time passes, Seunghyun can't get used to the idea of them, of her.
It's a really ugly trait. Being so mad and repulsed with two people who are so happy. Seunghyun knows this, yet can't stop his feelings of jealously.
When it's just the two of them, he and Daesung, it makes the whole thing easier. Daesung doesn't really talk about her and Seunghyun never brings her up. Daesung's always been like that. He's always been very private about his relationships.
But Daesung changes that.
Daesung throws a little house party. Really mostly just the members of Big Bang and a few close acquaintances. People from Daesung's church and some other YG related people. Some of whom were more likely invited by Jiyong or Seungri. Probably not more than ten people although Seunghyun doesn't really care to do a head count.
And, not to mention, Jaeyeon.
Seunghyun successfully ignores her as he drinks and shares old stories with the others. Fondly recalling of times when he got lost from the other members because he fell asleep somewhere. They all laugh and even though it's at his expense, Seunghyun laughs too.
The chatter dies down when Daesung clinks his glass.
"So I brought all of you here for a reason," Daesung says. He and Jaeyeon are standing in the middle of the room. He pulls her close as she tries to put on an act of being shy. Seunghyun holds back a sneer. "We wanted to announce," Daesung pauses, taking a deep breath, "we're expecting!"
The room erupts in cheers and congratulations. And Seunghyun becomes deaf to it all.
Expecting? A child?
It's the final nail in the coffin. Seunghyun could ignore her when she was just a girlfriend, even when she was a wife. But now she's pregnant and there's no way Seunghyun can ignore that.
"I need a smoke," Seunghyun says under his breath before heading for the balcony.
It's only when he gets outside and out of ear shot that he lets out the deep sigh he's been holding in. He doesn't take out his cigarettes, just leans on the railing and rubs at his temples. He feels like crying but knows it would be so pointless. He's just so tired.
It gets harder every day. So many times his resolve is tested. It could be something so small as seeing Daesung smile that has all his feelings rushing back to him like a flash flood. It happens so quickly that by the time he notices his ankles are wet, the water has already risen to his waist. Then before he knows it, he's drowning, drowning in the feelings he's tried so very hard to keep in check.
Lost in his self loathing, he doesn't hear the balcony door open. Doesn't know there's another person there until they open their mouth.
"I thought you were going to smoke?" Seungri says. It's more of a statement than a question.
"I was getting to it," Seunghyun says.
"Sure, hyung." Seungri doesn't argue but his sarcastic tone gives him away.
"What do you want?" Seunghyun asks bitterly, wanting to just be left alone.
"I want you to stop this, hyung. I hate seeing you like this," Seungri says, and he does a good job of sounding concerned. Seunghyun isn't about to believe him just yet.
"Oh, like what? Without a cigarette in my hand? I told you I was getting to--"
"Cut the bullshit, hyung! I'm serious!" Seungri looks almost pissed before his eyes soften to something sadder. "You don't think we know? You don't think we don't see it every time you look at him? You're miserable. Absolutely miserable."
Seunghyun turns away, it gets hard to look him in the eye. "You don't know anything," Seunghyun says.
"Oh, so you think I don't know when you locked yourself in the bathroom and cried on his thirty-third birthday?" Seungri says and god, it stings.
"Shut up," Seunghyun says.
"You need to let him go. You need to find someone else. I hate seeing you torture yourself like--."
Seunghyun spins back around, furious. "Don't you think I've fucking tried?!"
Seungri looks taken aback, suddenly looking younger than his actual age. It's a sign for Seunghyun to back off but he just can't.
"Do you know how many times I've tried? How many years I've suffered? You say you're concerned and shit but you don't know a damn thing!" Seunghyun pushes past him and back inside.
"I'm leaving." Seunghyun grabs his coat. "Congratulations," he says curtly before reaching for the door.
"Oh, wait! Let me drive you home," Daesung says and the conversation in the room stops.
Seunghyun pauses. He should just run, run as far as his legs will take him but he doesn't refuse; can never refuse Daesung.
"Sure," Seunghyun says. He doesn't turn around to say it.
With Daesung following silently, they make their way to Daesung's car. Daesung keeps a careful distance between them. It's almost as if he is getting further with each step. Not physically exactly, but emotionally. Daesung is emotionally separating himself from Seunghyun with each step, he can feel it.
The more Daesung avoids him, the more Seunghyun wants to hold his hand. That holds true even now.
When they get into the car, there's no music. No, it's completely silent save for the sound of the car itself. Seunghyun busies himself with starring out the window, hoping it's enough to distract him on the drive home.
When Daesung clears his throat, it suddenly isn't.
"You know, I always kind of knew... your feelings for me that is," Daesung says and Seunghyun can feel his stomach sink. It reminds him of Daesung's wedding day. "But I lied to myself. I don't know, maybe I didn't want to believe you liked me like that. But then... I saw the pictures from my wedding...."
Seunghyun furrows his brows in confusion. He knows he made sure to be as poised and composed as possible. He knows he did nothing out of the ordinary so--
"Hyung, in every single picture, you were looking at me. And you looked so... Well, then I knew I couldn't ignore it any longer." Daesung sighs. "I thought maybe you were just looking at the two of us like everyone else, but, no, it was just me. Only me. And that look in your eyes. I don't know how to explain it."
Seunghyun turns away from the window and Daesung spares him the briefest glance and it hurts, oh it hurts. Daesung looks like he fucking pities Seunghyun and it almost makes him sick.
"It's not like we were in the group, on TV. It couldn't be excused as fanservice. And Seunghyun hyung, I know... I know you don't want to hear this, but---."
Seunghyun's voice is barely a whisper as he says, "Please don't, please don't say it."
"---I'm not in love with you---." Daesung doesn't hear him.
Seunghyun's heart sinks at that moment. It hits his stomach and Seunghyun can feel it churning inside. Like the feeling when you're about to throw up; dizzy, warm, and nauseous.
"---I mean, it's not like, I don't love you at all. But I don't love you like I love my wife," Daesung says.
And Seunghyun knows he goes on, he keeps talking but Seunghyun can only hear him distantly. As if they weren't sitting next to each other in the same car. It's like they're in a fucking Peanuts cartoon and Daesung only sounds like that eerie "wah wah wah" noise the adults make.
He sounds so far away when he had always felt so close. Just right within Seunghyun's grasp. Seunghyun had hoped that one day, one day he could finally reach Daesung. And then for once he wouldn't try to run away. Maybe he would realize that she wasn't the right one for him and Seunghyun had been the right choice all along.
But now they're having a child together. It's not as if they can just break up without consequences. Seunghyun now realizes how foolish that way of thinking was. He sort of always knew, but had managed to bury the thought.
"Hyung?" Daesung says, and Seunghyun hears it but he doesn't acknowledge it. He just turns back to the window, he doesn't want Daesung to see him like this.
Daesung doesn't bother to say anything else for the rest of the drive. Seunghyun hopes it's because he's out of things to say and not out of pity. That's the last thing he needs right now.
When they get to Seunghyun's house, Seunghyun goes to open the car door only to find it locked. He keeps jiggling the handle but no matter how hard he tries it won't budge.
"Hyung...," Daesung says.
"Let me out," Seunghyun whispers, still refusing to look at Daesung.
"Is that all you're going to say to me?" Daesung says, and he almost sounds mad that Seunghyun is acting like his heart has just been broken.
"Let. Me. Out." It's all Seunghyun is willing to say.
Daesung sighs. "You need to understand that I don't hate you and that I do love you. It's just a different type of love."
"Please, please let me out." Seunghyun hates how broken he sounds. He doesn't want to be seen like this.
"Hyung, seriously. Listen I--."
"Would you just let me out of the fucking car please?!" Seunghyun yells so loud that his voice cracks. Daesung jumps back at the sound.
The lock clicks and Seunghyun practically throws open the door and runs inside his house. He doesn't look back, doesn't look to see if Daesung is gone or not. He doesn't want to know.
Once he's inside he doesn't know what to do, where to go. He's angry, heartbroken, and above all humiliated. Where does one go from here?
One thing Seunghyun knows is that he can't stay here. As much as it's going to hurt, he can't stay.
It was so much easier living in a fantasy. Thinking that one day Daesung would drop everything in his life just to tell Seunghyun that he was the one all along. For as long as Seunghyun hoped that would happen, he knew it was a lie. Still, he bought into it.
But now, Seunghyun has been rejected. And what's worse is that everyone knows.
God, they probably talk about him. With the mouth Seungri has, he probably told everyone what he saw on Daesung's birthday. They probably "feel sorry" for him.
It's just more pity that Seunghyun doesn't want or need. What he needs right now is a plan.
Slumping down onto his couch in the dark of his living room, Seunghyun tries to sort out his thoughts. He thinks what life would be like if he were to stay and try to work out his relationships. Long separations from Daesung always feel like torture. It makes Seunghyun unsure of whether or not it's better to stay or go. But it already kills him to see Daesung dote on his now pregnant wife and he couldn't imagine the torture of actually seeing their kid.
Seunghyun doesn't think he could ever hate an innocent child, but a part of him is afraid that he would. Jaeyeon is probably one of the sweetest people Seunghyun has ever met, and he hates her fucking guts.
It quickly becomes obvious to Seunghyun that he needs to get away. At least until he can sort out his feelings. Seunghyun chuckles to himself at that thought. He's been in love with a man who doesn't love him back for over twenty years, how many more years would it take to even begin to forget?
But where will he go? Korea is too small of a country. Even if he went all the way down to Busan or Jeju, he would be tempted to drive or fly back as soon as he could. No, he needs to go somewhere far, far away.
Seunghyun pulls out his phone and looks at all the possible flights for the morning. The earliest of the early. The majority of them are to various parts of South East Asia. All too close. Then he sees one in the morning for America. It's not too far either, but it's a start.
Seunghyun books it without thinking twice. From Seoul to Los Angeles. If he needs to go further, he knows he can. America is just a starting point.
He grabs the first suitcase he finds and packs only what he needs. Mostly clothes and a couple pairs of shoes. He can buy whatever toiletries he needs abroad. His bank account is bottomless. Hell, he could probably just buy new clothes.
It's only a little after midnight and the flight doesn't leave until six. Still, he calls a cab to charter him there. Wouldn't be the first time he spent hours in an airport.
He's about to turn his phone off and leave it there for good when he gets a message. His finger is on the off button, he doesn't have to read the message, but his curiosity gets the best of him.
"hyung please open the door."
It's from Daesung. He's still outside.
In barely a full five seconds after reading it, Seunghyun is thinking about how he could still cancel the flight and the cab. He shakes his head, and for once thinks no.
"i can't," is all Seunghyun replies. His fingers shake as he types it, tears welling up in his eyes.
"I love you so much but I can't," Seunghyun says to himself.
He waits, sits and waits at least ten minutes before he hears Daesung walk off the steps and his car drive away. He never gets a reply back. Part of him is thankful for that.
It's soon after that that his cab arrives. He leaves his phone on his coffee table.
___
"Hello?"
"Youngbae?" Seunghyun says.
".. Hyung?" Youngbae says. "Why are you calling me so late?" His voice sounds groggy.
"I needed to call someone neutral," Seunghyun says.
"Someone neutral? What?" Youngbae asks.
"Look, just listen. I don't want anyone to worry. So if anyone asks I'm going on a vacation and I'll be fine," Seunghyun says.
"Okay. But why are you telling me this again?" Youngbae pauses. "At five in the morning? Where are you? It wasn't your number."
"Phone in the airport. And it's complicated, okay. I thought about it and you're the only person who I can talk to right now without it being even more complicated," Seunghyun says.
"... This is about Daesung, isn't it?"
Seunghyun slams the phone into the receiver. After a momentary shock, he sighs. It was kind of dumb to think he knew anyone who would be none the wiser to his and Daesung's situation by now. Shit, Daesung probably confided in all of them when he got back. He sucks at confrontation just as much as Seunghyun does. Probably why it took so many years for him to actually acknowledge Seunghyun's feelings.
But at least he was able to hang up before getting an earful. Seunghyun knows someone like Jiyong or Seungri or Dongwook would be quick to lecture him.
Sighing, Seunghyun returns to his gate to await his flight. It's funny, because he's doing this so he can have time to forget, to recuperate, but for the past few hours he's only managed to think about Daesung. How he misses him already. How he wants to go back and apologize. How he wants to talk things through.
But Seunghyun knows if he goes back, even if they did manage to still be friends, it wouldn't work out. Because right now, he's still in love with him. And being close to him won't help.
Seunghyun thinks he will be able to go back, someday. Definitely not anytime soon, but he would hate to never see Daesung, or anyone else really, ever again.
For now, only time can tell.
Poll