Round 7: this is the way that we love
Title: this is the way that we love (like it’s forever)
Team: Future
Rating: R
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi
Summary: Coming out of the army, Kyuhyun is a changed man. Zhou Mi misses his Kui Xian and resolves to get him back, whatever the cost. It’s not as easy as he thinks.
Author's Note: Title from mika’s happy ending Thank you awesome team members for reading this over :) Also, warning for serious angst, as per their instructions.
Prompt Used: http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2007/11/i-pass-you-everyday.html (supplementary prompt from GTop’s High High MV)
The sun is bright when Zhou Mi steps out of the van, and he has to shield his eyes as he finds his footing. Falling flat on his face in front of fans and the press is not the best way to start the day, and not the best way to greet a someone you haven’t seen in two years (twenty-one months minus 100 days, to be exact; Zhou Mi doesn’t want to do the math.)
He feels Heechul press in behind him and knows there’s a million cameras on them. “Smile,” Heechul says into his ear, sounding strained, “You don’t want the fans thinking their oppas forced you here.”
Which they hadn’t, technically. But possibly coerced and definitely blackmailed, there isn’t anything Zhou Mi can do about it. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to be here, it’s that he’s sure Kyuhyun doesn’t want him to be here, and that’s a significant distinction.
But meddling band members are meddling, and this is how it is: Zhou Mi getting out of the van to greet Kyuhyun at the end of his tour of duty, whether either of them likes it or not.
Siwon steps out behind him and Zhou Mi is abandoned for sturdy abdominal muscles and deep dimples. Ryeowook comes out next followed by Sungmin, and Zhou Mi lets them all go ahead of him. Kyuhyun had stayed in contact with them, at least, had not stopped speaking to them after a few months of being in the army. They all deny it, but Zhou Mi knows it’s true because he hears Sungmin talking to him sometimes, knows Ryeowook goes to visit him, knows fucking Shim Changmin sees him regularly, and that irritates Zhou Mi more than anything because Changmin has his own problems and his own bandmates to worry about it, so can he please leave Kyuhyun alone?
Jungsu eyes at him, as if to remind Zhou Mi of the pages of composition notes currently being held hostage back at the dorm. He suspects that they’re in Hyukjae’s sock drawer, but he’s not entirely sure. If they smell when he gets them back, he is going to be pissed.
They spend five minutes waving to the crowd, bowing to fans, posing for pictures, and out of the corner of his eye, Zhou Mi can see several fans with Qmi boards and it makes him sick.
The screaming gets several decibels higher as Kyuhyun steps out of an army car and Zhou Mi swallows hard.
Kyuhyun looks defeated.
Zhou Mi had expected happiness, maybe a little energy, maybe even a smile. But he gets none of these. Kyuhyun looks as blank as ever, his eyes dull and lifeless, even as he bows to the press and accepts a flurry of hugs from the other members.
Their eyes meet and Zhou Mi thinks it can’t get any worse, because Kyuhyun is looking at him with complete and utter disdain. He shoves aside the emotions it drags up and manages a smile.
“Welcome back.”
Kyuhyun nods at him and then moves on. It hurts more than Zhou Mi wants to admit.
If anyone notices, they don’t comment.
Zhou Mi gets his compositions back when they arrive at the dorms and that’s all he cares about.
Really.
--
“You’re the idol, right? I think my sister has a poster of you on her wall somewhere. Or maybe that’s Dong Bang Shin Ki. I wasn’t really allowed anywhere near it.”
The kid has Zhou Mi’s sunny smile and looks as frail as Ryeowook during his worst dieting stint. And he has Sungmin’s hair; it looks nice parted off to the side, like it needs no styling gel to hang perfectly. Kyuhyun’s thinks it’ll be a waste when they chop it all off.
“My name is Jaewha.”
“Kyuhyun.”
When they shake, Kyuhyun finds that Jaewha’s hand is warm.
--
Schedules resume as usual, but this time, with all the members, minus Hangeng, obviously, and Kibum, predictably. Zhou Mi hosts a show in China, and he co-hosts a variety show with Siwon in Korea. Zhou Mi writes for the company, sings for soundtracks, and releases the occasional Chinese single that always does better than he expects.
Jungsu starts to blather on about a comeback, and Zhou Mi only half pays attention, promises to help with whatever they need, assures Jungsu that no, he’s not too old (even though okay, yeah, he actually might be.)
And Kyuhyun -- Kyuhyun always makes Zhou Mi sigh.
They pass in the hallways of the SM building often, but barely acknowledge each other. They’ve come a long way since SJM, Zhou Mi thinks, and it gives him reason to hate the army. Hate Korea. Hate everything.
But he doesn’t. Can’t. He always smiles when Kyuhyun sees him, always goes to listen to Kyuhyun record songs for soundtracks (four already in the first month of getting out,) always tries to sit next to him when Jungsu makes everyone attend comeback meetings, just because that’s what they always did. That’s who they were.
Heechul nudges him towards Kyuhyun after one such meeting and Zhou Mi plasters a 1000 watt smile onto his face , approaching warily. He tries to think of something to say.
“You haven’t talked to me about the army. Do you want to get dinner and you can relate all your adventures?”
Kyuhyun glares at him.
“It’s just, well, we used to talk so much and--”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” Kyuhyun says, as formally as one could in Korean, “Leave me alone.”
Zhou Mi is stunned, and the only positive thing about the situation is that Heechul looks just as surprised. And then very angry. “Yah,” he says, “Cho Kyuhyun!”
But Kyuhyun’s gone.
Zhou Mi sighs and hopes that maybe now the members will give it a rest.
--
Kyuhyun’s exempt from most training, due to his car accident injuries, and instead gets a position in communications, once the commander discovers how fast his fingers can move across a keyboard. He actually finds it fun, relaying commands and learning how to jam signals and track things with a satellite. In fact, he would go so far as to say that he excels, and wonders if maybe he chose the wrong career path.
“You’re lucky,” Jaewha tells him one night over dinner, “I wish I was as good at running and hauling equipment as you are at typing on a keyboard.”
“At least you’re gaining muscle,” Kyuhyun says, “I think my body is atrophying.”
“Like you care,” Jaewha jostles Kyuhyun elbow, knocking rice from his spoon, and Kyuhyun scoffs.
“My dinner. Dude.”
Somehow, they end up on the floor, laughing and aiming for soft spots until they’re breathless. Kyuhyun pretends not to notice the disapproving and suspicious glances their commander gives them. It’s none of his concern, after all.
--
It is not the end of meddlesome bandmates. If anything, it gets worse. Hyukjae and Heechul take it upon themselves to teach Zhou Mi the basics of StarCraft. Predictably, he is terrible, but they hold his compositions hostage again until he tells Kyuhyun: “I’m learning StarCraft. Let’s play.”
Kyuhyun eyes him from over a musical script and then stands up. He hasn’t really gained muscle, but there’s an air of toughness about him now that’s sobering. He’s more masculine. It’s intoxicating.
“I said I didn’t want to talk to you,” Kyuhyun says, his voice firm.
“But--”
“Get out, Zhou Mi. And tell the others to stop fucking with my business.”
“Kyuhyun.”
“Get out!” Kyuhyun screams, and when Zhou Mi doesn’t, Kyuhyun pushes him hard and slams the door in his face.
“I don’t,” Zhou Mi whispers to the door, but he can’t finish his sentence.
Okay, so Kyuhyun doesn’t want to see him. That’s fine. Zhou Mi doesn’t really want to look at him either, after everything that had happened, but it can’t be helped. They work together. They’re in the same fucking band together.
“I don’t understand you,” Zhou Mi says to the door.
A hand lands on his shoulder and Zhou Mi turns around to find Siwon behind him looking extremely concerned. Heechul probably fetched him, Zhou Mi thinks, and lets Siwon pull him close.
The quiet murmur of Mandarin is soothing, even if it makes no sense, and Zhou Mi breathes normally for a little while.
--
Kyuhyun hides a lot of things. During SJM he hides how much he likes Zhou Mi. how much he likes his smile, his hands, his hugs, his legs. He tries not to think about it beyond fan service, but now, when he hasn't any fans to please, it's difficult to compartmentalize what he feels, and he struggles because Jaewha's smile infects his soul and he confuses it with what he feels (or is it felt?) for Zhou Mi.
So on his 100th day of being in the army, when he’s given leave, and he takes Jaewha to meet up with Zhou Mi and Sungmin, he finds himself in a crisis. He’s happy to see his friends, but after immense amounts of pictures being taken and even larger amounts of food being consumed, he realizes that he likes Jaewha’s smile as much as he likes Zhou Mi’s, likes Jaewha’s hands as much as Zhou Mi’s, likes Jaewha’s hugs as much as he likes Zhou Mi’s, and that he even likes Jaewha’s legs as much as Zhou Mi’s and that’s saying something. Because Zhou Mi has spectacular legs, and anyone, male or female, towering over Zhou Mi and looking just as good in skinny jeans as Zhou Mi is not something easily dismissed.
“They’re nice,” Jaewha tells him, on the way back to the base, meaning Kyuhyun’s bandmates.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun nods.
“You miss them?”
A little, Kyuhyun has to admits to himself. “I’ve made friends here,” he says instead, and Jaewha laughs.
--
In the first few months back, Kyuhyun goes on at least fifteen different dates. People his parents set him up with, people Changmin (fucking Shim Changmin, Zhou Mi growls to himself,) set him up with, people Jungsu wants him to meet. Men, women, it doesn’t matter, Cho Kyuhyun meets them all, rejects them all, and then comes home plastered.
He’s always drunk, unless he has a recording to do, in which case, he smokes. It’s not bad at first, the smoking, and no one comments on it, but when a recording session is cut short because Kyuhyun is doubled over in a coughing fit, Zhou Mi can’t help but worry.
And then, suddenly, Kyuhyun stops singing altogether.
This time, Zhou Mi doesn’t wait for the others to prompt him and he confronts Kyuhyun in his bedroom. Zhou Mi goes for intimidating.
“Talk to me.”
“Get the fuck out of my room.”
Kyuhyun’s words slur together and Zhou Mi wonders how much he had to drink.
“What is wrong?”
“I don’t want to look at you. Get out.”
“Kui Xian.”
“Don’t call me that. My name is Kyuhyun. Kui Xian isn’t even right and you know that. You don’t even fucking know me or what I’ve been through so leave me alone.”
“I’d know if you’d just talk to me about it!”
“I don’t want to talk to you about it. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. Talking never does anything. Just leave me be!”
“I can’t do that!”
They are screaming at each other, and Zhou Mi is breathing hard, teeth clenched tight as Kyuhyun flows off the bed, stumbling as he tries to stand. He lands heavy against Zhou Mi’s chest as he tries to push him. “Leave me alone.”
“I will not.”
“Please, Zhou Mi. Please. Go away, I don’t want to look at you. At your smile, at your hair, at your fucking perfect legs. Get away from me.”
He’s crying at this point, trying to kick ineffectually at something, anything, and Zhou Mi knows now, not hypothesizes or suspects, but knows, that something happened to Kyuhyun in the army, something horrible, and he vows to get out of Kyuhyun what it is.
--
It happens by accident when they’re shipped out to Busan for an op. The company is squished into a room to sleep in shifts and he and Jaewha are some of the few not on duty and freezing their asses off. Apparently the army is too cheap to buy space heaters, because there are none to be found.
All he knows is that he’s shivering and the only available warmth is radiating out of Jaewha’s body so they huddle close and neither of them call it cuddling. Because that would be weird and Kyuhyun doesn’t want weird. Jaewha’s a friend and you can get arrested for being gay in the Korean army. He doesn’t want that.
The others are sleeping; Kyuhyun can hear their even breathing. He’s perfected the art of feigning sleep (a necessity in a dorm full of men who consistently play pranks) and he knows without a shred of doubt that he and Jaewha are the only ones awake.
“So damn cold,” he mutters.
The only explanation for what follows is that they’re half asleep. Before he knows it, Jaewha’s got him tucked underneath his chin, both of their sleeping bags wrapped tightly around them and Kyuhyun feels toasty warm.
It’s scary-safe.
“Should have done this earlier.” The whisper stirs hair behind Kyuhyun’s ear.
Kyuhyun pulls back, his head scraping the down sleeping bag just as Jaewha moves forward to cover their heads and then they’re kissing. Sort of. Lips pressed together in surprise, Kyuhyun decides to just go with it, and then it’s messy, wet, sexual, and suddenly, it’s too hot and Kyuhyun’s wants the bite of the cold air back on his burning skin.
But not until they’re done.
--
Sungmin knows.
Zhou Mi realizes this when he goes to talk with him about moving Kyuhyun into Sungmin’s apartment so that he can be properly looked after.
Zhou Mi asks, begs, pleads with Sungmin to tell him what happened, to say whatever he knows so that he can help Kyuhyun, help his Kui Xian get better, because he misses him.
He admits it readily now. He misses their jokes and their laughter. He misses singing together, misses Kyuhyun’s attitude, misses taking pictures together, misses the fan service, misses everything.
“I can’t tell you.”
“Sungmin, look at him.”
“Zhou Mi, if he doesn’t want you to know right now, then I definitely cannot tell you. But nothing’s stopping you from moving him. Just do it, you know we’ll all help you.”
It’s not reassuring.
Breaking the news does not go well, and Kyuhyun screams at him until Heechul comes in (one of the few people he bothers listening to these days,) and says that Kyuhyun is moving out because no one but Zhou Mi can stand him anymore.
Kyuhyun still screams and this time, it takes Siwon slapping him across the face to shut him up.
No one moves at first, and then Kyuhyun sags and he hits the floor.
“You’re moving in with Zhou Mi,” Siwon says, “I’m sick of this.”
Kyuhyun looks at him, breathing hard. “Fucking Heechul has really changed you,” he says.
Zhou Mi half expects another slap, but it doesn’t come. The set of Siwon’s face is hard as he steps back and takes Heechul’s hand in his own.
“Yes,” he whispers, “For the better. Unlike you.”
Zhou Mi realizes that Siwon knows what happened too, and if Siwon knows, then so does Heechul.
Am I the only one that doesn’t know what the fuck is going on here?
--
It’s too risky to jump each other whenever they want (which is often) so when they next have leave, Kyuhyun doesn’t tell anyone and they rent a hotel room. Neither of them know what they’re doing, so they don’t do much of anything, but Kyuhyun doesn’t care. Here, he doesn’t have think about anything besides how good Jaewha tastes and how amazing his fingers feel and how fucking awesome his mouth is around Kyuhyun’s cock, inexperience and all.
Kyuhyun feels like a teenager all over again.
--
Zhou Mi had always had a dorm away from the the other members. Henry had long since gone to live with other people (Zhou Mi thinks it’s now Key or maybe that new trainee from America, but he’s not sure) and so there is plenty of space for Kyuhyun’s belongings.
Kyuhyun’s scowling through the entire move, his tongue never ceasing to find something to criticize (the carpet, the curtains, the dishes, Zhou Mi’s fucking fish,) but Zhou Mi bears it all. Kyuhyun’s drunk, after all. He’s always drunk.
“I can’t do this,” Kyuhyun says dramatically, “I don’t want to look at your face every single day. Why is this necessary?”
“Because you can’t take care of yourself and no one but me cares about you anymore,” Zhou Mi says, and he means to sound harsh. “Get up off my couch.”
“That’s not true,” Kyuhyun says, “Heechul loves me. Sungmin loves me. He probably wants to kiss me.”
“Sungmin has a girlfriend, remember?” Zhou Mi says, and sighs.
“Oh right,” Kyuhyun frowns. “She’s pretty. Not as pretty as me,” he flops on the couch cushions. “Maybe Heechul will kiss me. Heechul likes kissing.”
“Heechul doesn’t kiss anyone but Siwon now, you know that. Maybe you should go take a nap, Kui Xian.”
“That isn’t my name, fucker,” Kyuhyun mutters, but he’s already falling asleep, pulled there by the alcohol.
Zhou Mi rolls his eyes. At least Kyuhyun isn’t screaming anymore.
--
Kyuhyun has never considered himself gay until Jaewha. Being attracted Zhou Mi is sort of like being attracted to sunlight -- natural, necessary -- and not really gay, but now that Kyuhyun can be found with his hand down Jaewha’s pants and Jaewha’s tongue down his throat he thinks he should probably just get over himself. He’s gay, at least for two people, and that’s how it is. When he thinks about the happy little bubble in his soul that consists of Jaewha, he doesn’t much mind.
--
Zhou Mi finds a stash of alcohol in Kyuhyun’s closet after a week of coming home to him completely smashed and he sighs. He doesn’t touch it, and calls Hyukjae, whos he knows will take it and dump it down the sink without a second thought.
Hyukjae almost cries when he sees the bottles of wine and liquor. He takes all ten of them and proceeds to do exactly as Zhou Mi had predicted.
“Are you doing okay with him?” Hyukjae asks, sounding genuinely concerned.
“He’s not screaming,” Zhou Mi shrugs, “Though he does tell me daily that I am the ugliest person he’s ever seen. Unless he’s beyond sloshed, then I have really nice legs, even though my nose is an unfortunate size.”
Hyukjae chuckles, and then sighs, and then almost breaks a bottle on the sink counter as Kyuhyun comes banging into the apartment looking rabid.
“What are you doing?”
“Ridding you of your vice,” Hyukjae says.
Zhou Mi has to loops his arms around Kyuhyun’s middle to keep him from tackling Hyukjae to the floor.
“You fucking--”
Zhou Mi clamps a hand over Kyuhyun’s mouth. “Leave him one bottle, Hyukjae. He can have one bottle at a time.”
Hyukjae does not look pleased at this, but he shrugs, and sets aside a bottle of wine. Kyuhyun doesn’t stop struggling against Zhou Mi’s arms until the last drop of alcohol is gone and he slumps pathetically against Zhou Mi’s chest looking ready to cry.
“Why would you do that?” He asks weakly. “Mi, I need it. You know I need it. Don’t. Don’t take that away from me.”
The nickname breaks Zhou Mi’s heart. “I don’t know that you need it. You won’t tell me why.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.
“What is worth this, Kyuhyun? You have so much to live for.”
Kyuhyun snorts and chokes back a sob, “I have nothing to live for. Not anymore.”
“Kyuhyun,” Hyukjae says and Zhou Mi doesn’t look up but he’s sure Hyukjae’s crying. Crying for the person Kyuhyun used that be that clearly doesn’t exist anymore.
Kyuhyun gasps against Zhou Mi’s collarbone and clutches him hard. Zhou Mi doesn’t know what to do or say so he squeezes back and lets Kyuhyun cry until he falls asleep on his feet.
Hyukjae helps Zhou Mi carry him to bed and then sees himself out as Zhou Mi tucks the covers around Kyuhyun’s body carefully.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Kyuhyun mumbles, as Zhou Mi brushes away strands of his hair.
Honestly, Zhou Mi doesn’t know anymore. He should just let Kyuhyun drink himself to death since that seems to be exactly what he wants to do.
“Don’t be so fucking nice to me,” Kyuhyun mutters, “It’s confusing.”
Zhou Mi doesn’t ask him what he means.
--
Sometimes, Kyuhyun gets confused. When he’s a little tipsy and looking up (or down) at Jaewha and his vision blurs, he sees Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi and his lilted Korean and pretty Mandarin whispering dirty things into Kyuhyun’s ear as he grinds down and arches up and wraps those ridiculous legs around Kyuhyun’s middle.
“It’s not bad, necessarily,” Jaewha says, when Kyuhyun musters up to courage to tell him this, “You liked him and never did anything about it. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but you’re here with me, now. I hope it’ll stay that way.”
Kyuhyun decides to ignore Zhou Mi for awhile, just to see if that would help. He had always put off telling Zhou Mi how he had felt. Later, later, later, maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day he’d say something, and okay yeah, maybe it makes him a coward. But if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have Jaewha now, and Kyuhyun can’t imagine that at all.
--
Zhou Mi buys him one bottle at a time. Kyuhyun wheedles, pleads, begs with him to let him drink more, but Zhou Mi refuses. He says if Kyuhyun can explain why he needs so much alcohol, then maybe that will earn him more, but Kyuhyun never does and Zhou Mi watches Kyuhyun sip (sometimes guzzle) a huge glass every night in hopes it will be enough to make him tipsy.
Zhou Mi starts to regulate his meals as well when he realizes that Kyuhyun eats less in hopes it would get him drunk faster, and Kyuhyun throws a fit about that, breaking dishes, smashing glasses, and throwing pans until Zhou Mi has to tackle him to the floor and pin him there.
“You have to stop,” Zhou Mi pleads, “Kyuhyun listen to me, please. Management’s ready to ship you off to an institution. You know what it’s like there. You know it. Please, Kui Xian. Please.”
Kyuhyun falls still.
“Just be sane,” Zhou Mi whispers against his ear, linking their fingers together besides Kyuhyun’s head, “You can’t go away. Not again.”
And that’s really the problem, Zhou Mi thinks, or at least part of his own problem. He doesn’t want Kyuhyun to leave him, not again.
“You missed me?” Kyuhyun asks.
“Yes,” Zhou Mi whispers, “I missed us.”
“There was never an us.”
Maybe not how Zhou Mi had wanted, and now, pressed up against Kyuhyun’s body, pinning him to the floor, feeling him move against Zhou Mi in order to get comfortable, even if only slightly, he is aware of how that want had not changed.
But clearly Kyuhyun hadn’t felt the same way.
“We were awesome as Qmi,” Zhou Mi says instead.
Kyuhyun snorts.
Zhou Mi levers himself up onto his elbows to stare down at Kyuhyun. He lets go of one hand to stroke back Kyuhyun’s hair and then cup his cheek. “I want my best friend back,” he says seriously.
“That Kyuhyun is gone.”
“I know that,” Zhou Mi says, “But you’ve given me no reason as to why the new Kyuhyun can’t trust me like the old one did.”
It isn’t a heart to heart, especially as Kyuhyun still does not offer an explanation for his behavior, but he’ll take what he can get.
“I’m sorry,” Kyuhyun murmurs.
“Then fix this,” Zhou Mi says and climbs to his feet. “Fix it, Cho Kyuhyun.”
“I don’t know how,” Kyuhyun says.
He’s choking up again and Zhou Mi can only get back down on the floor and cradle him, hold his friend tight as he cries about something he refuses to explain.
--
Kyuhyun knows what’s going to happen next. Fooling around can only go on for so long until they progress to the next level. It’s all very logical, in Kyuhyun’s mind, and he starts planning, even though they haven’t talked about it. It’s not like they can. Their commander has already started giving them strange looks Kyuhyun can only deflect with, “I’m an idol. I’m used to people touching me all the time.”
It feels like years, even thought it’s not, and Kyuhyun lies about his leave again. He’s no longer speaking with Zhou Mi. Sungmin tells him Zhou Mi is depressed about it, but Kyuhyun doesn’t stop to think about it. Zhou Mi doesn’t haunt his dreams anymore, nor does he envision Zhou Mi kissing down his neck instead of Jaewha. All is right with the world and is as it should be. For a little while anyway.
Kyuhyun keeps his face covered while they’re in public, because it isn’t as though he had been unpopular entering the army, and Kyuhyun feels brave enough to sling an arm around Jaewha’s shoulders.
“Same hotel as last time?” Jaewha murmurs into his ear.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun says, and grins behind his face mask. “But. Let’s stop at the store. I want to get a few things first.”
“What?” Jaewha asks, curious.
Kyuhyun gives him a look and it only takes a second for Jaewha to catch on.
“Okay,” he breathes, and it’s a little shaky.
Kyuhyun’s stomach curls in anticipation.
--
Zhou Mi takes Kyuhyun out to dinner.
It’s more than a little awkward, but Kyuhyun is relatively sober, and Zhou Mi orders them soju and lets Kyuhyun drink most of it. It’s not a lot, and with the food, Kyuhyun gets tipsy at worst. Surprisingly, Zhou Mi doesn’t mind too much. Kyuhyun’s being friendly and if he’s lucky, the alcohol will loosen Kyuhyun’s tongue.
They don’t talk about anything in particular: schedules, bandmates, Donghae’s marriage in a few weeks that yes, Kyuhyun will be sober for, he promises, babies, orphanages, the sad life of Jungsu who had twelve ducklings to take care of and now has barely any.
“You should call him,” Zhou Mi says casually, “He misses you.”
“The Almighty National MC?” Kyuhyun snorts into his cup, “Unlikely.”
“He does,” Zhou Mi insists.
“He’s got his own show with Youngwoon. What more could he possibly want?”
“Youngwoon’s dating his sister, did you know that?”
Kyuhyun pauses and then bursts out laughing, “Well, that’s awkward.”
“He’s planning to propose, Kyuhyun.”
The glass is set down. “Okay,” Kyuhyun says, “You got me. What else have I missed besides Siwon ending his religion crisis, Donghae getting married, and Youngwoon and Inyoung?”
“Actually it’s the other way around.”
“What?”
“Siwon and Heechul,” Zhou Mi says with a sly grin, “Heechul believes in God now.”
“Now I’m sure you’re lying.”
“Okay, maybe not God,” Zhou Mi says, “But he and Siwon finally sat down and had words and by the end of it, Heechul got Siwon to say I love you and Siwon finally got Heechul to admit that the world creating itself is dumb.”
Kyuhyun sits back. “Well. That’s unexpected.”
“It’s not like,” Zhou Mi waves a hand, “Religion or anything. But he at least admits there’s something semi-sentient out there, and Siwon accepts that. It’s enough for him.”
“Enough to say ‘I love you,’ at least,” Kyuhyun shakes his head, “And not mean it platonically. I’m impressed.”
It’s information worth another shot of soju and Zhou Mi lets him have it. It’s possibly for shock. Zhou Mi knows he had wanted a drink when Heechul had explained it to him.
“What about you?” Kyuhyun asks, “What have you been doing? Marrying and divorcing myriads of women?”
“Hardly,” Zhou Mi says stiffly. What could he say, really? Well, Kyuhyun, actually, I was pining after you. Yeah, no. That wouldn’t go over well at all.
A flash breaks his train of thought and he looks out at the tables in time to see a camera disappear into a bag and a fangirl take off, giggling madly. Some things never change.
“That’s going to be everywhere tomorrow,” Kyuhyun grumbles.
“Well, that’s not my fault,” Zhou Mi says airily, and he tingles with happiness when Kyuhyun actually laughs.
--
They have dinner first, eating in a corner of a small restaurant, hidden away from prying eyes. But they’re still careful as they link their fingers underneath the table cloth. Jaewha’s hand is still impossibly warm and it only gets warmer with the food and soju and thoughts of the articles hidden safely in the bag at Kyuhyun’s side.
Jaewha’s smiles warmly as he feeds Kyuhyun off of his plate and more than one bite ends in kisses against his mouth and shivers sent down his spine. They take a few trips to the bathroom, and by the last one, Kyuhyun’s on his knees licking a stripe up Jaewha’s cock and hoping they’re quiet enough so as to not raise suspicion.
“Thought--hotel--“ Jaewha manages before he babbles incoherently and Kyuhyun hollows out his cheeks and then pulls away.
“This is like--an appetizer,” Kyuhyun grins up at him.
“Fucking-“ Jaewha hisses, and then bites his lips as Kyuhyun swallows around him. “Fucker.”
“That’s for later,” Kyuhyun murmurs against the skin of Jaewha’s stomach, and no longer cares about the noises they make.
--
Kyuhyun gets steadily louder the more he drinks. He doesn’t seem too out of it, but after they share a few bottles of soju, Zhou Mi doesn’t ask for anymore and neither does Kyuhyun. Hopeful doesn’t even cover the emotion bubbling up in Zhou Mi’s chest.
They talk through the rest of the band and then SHINee, DBSK, the new group Kyuhyun still couldn’t remember the name of, than SNSD, f(x), before talking about girls inevitably leads them back around to the subject of dating.
“You really didn’t date anyone?”
Zhou Mi wonders what he should say, takes a few precious moments to twirl his chopsticks, picking absently at his food like he is too drunk to think of an answer. “I really didn’t,” he finally answers. “There were no girls for me, Kui Xian.”
Kyuhyun seems to accept this and they move on. Comebacks, photo shoots, MVs, and they get through dessert and coffee still smiling. Zhou Mi definitely considers it progress.
The conversation lulls on the way back to the apartment, but Kyuhyun slumps against Zhou Mi’s side on the bus. The only indication that’s he’s awake are his fingers playing with a hole in his jeans.
It’s warm and comfortable and Zhou Mi wishes they never had to get off. Standing is so difficult, so troublesome, and Kyuhyun’s tipsy, threading an arm around Zhou Mi’s middle as they stumble off the bus together and make their way to the apartment.
Zhou Mi’s so tired he almost drops his keys because it takes too much energy to hold onto them.
The first words Kyuhyun says after they manage to brush their teeth and struggle into something comfortable are these: “You said. No girls. You didn’t date girls.”
His eyes are glassy but he still manages to focus them enough to point an accusing finger into Zhou Mi’s face.
“I didn’t date girls,” Zhou Mi nods, and pushes Kyuhyun towards his bed. He didn’t mind a happily drunk Kyuhyun who had a few drinks too many because of good company.
“So does that mean you dated boys?”
Zhou Mi freezes, realizes that this would give him away, and so tries to act natural as he turns around. Kyuhyun doesn’t buy it.
“You did,” he accuses.
“Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi pronounces carefully.
“You like men.”
“I--” Zhou Mi begins, and then pauses. If he wants Kyuhyun to be honest with him, the least he can do is be honest back, even if it means Kyuhyun shuns him and tells the whole world. He’s dealt with mass amounts of people hating him before and he thinks he can do it again if he really must.
“Yes,” Zhou Mi says, “I like men. But I didn’t date anyone. Get in bed.”
His arm is grabbed and he’s spun around, Kyuhyun scrutinizing him closely. It takes all of Zhou Mi’s will power to not follow Kyuhyun’s eyes and see which parts of him he’s looking at. “You like men,” Kyuhyun says again, almost as if he doesn’t believe it. “You tell me you like men and then just expect me to get into bed and fall asleep?”
“Can we not talk about it? If you want to move out, that’s fine. Sungmin will take you in now that you’re lucid most of the day. You can call him tomorrow. Just.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to move out,” Kyuhyun tells him and Zhou Mi blinks because Kyuhyun is actually moving closer to him and he can’t think about it too hard, can’t hope or wish or dream for fear that it’s not true.
“I,” Zhou Mi says, but stops as Kyuhyun finally meets his eyes.
“All this time,” he whispers, and he sounds disbelieving, “All this time.”
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi warns, though of what he doesn’t know. Lies, pretenses, friendships, maybe other things neither of them want to acknowledge.
“How did you do it?” Kyuhyun is earnest.
“What?”
“How did you survive in this industry with all these pretty males with sexy abs and thrusting hips? How did you do it?”
An inner voice Zhou Mi regards with mistrust tells him to be honest. “With great difficulty,” he finally says, “And lots of long showers. And you.”
“Me?” Kyuhyun asks, and he’s still moving closer, and it’s beginning to make thinking difficult.
“I,” Zhou Mi stumbles, “Thinking of you helped. Not like, I mean, yes like, but.”
He knows it makes no sense but clearly the old Kyuhyun is still in there somewhere because he looks at Zhou Mi like he knows exactly what he means. Which is funny, because Zhou Mi himself has no idea.
“Hanging around you made it easier,” Zhou Mi finally says, “You were a good friend, Kui Xian.” In a moment of weakness, Zhou Mi grabs for Kyuhyun’s hand and holds it, whispering, “I miss you.”
It’s desperate and he’s pleading but he doesn’t care. It’s the truth. “If you don’t want to talk to me about the army, fine. But I have to tell you -- our frustration isn’t born out of the fact that we can’t be there for you, it’s that you aren’t there for us. We’re selfish, Kui Xian, so, so selfish. We want you. I want you.”
His arms make their way around Kyuhyun’s back and they thud against a wall, Kyuhyun’s hands gripping the sweater at Zhou Mi’s arms and his head finding the crook of his neck.
Zhou Mi’s heart almost bursts from him as he breathes Kyuhyun in.
And they shake, Zhou Mi as he tries to breathe, Kyuhyun as he tries not to cry. There’s something unspoken between them and Zhou Mi feels it in the way Kyuhyun’s hands pull at him like a cat clawing a blanket.
“Mi,” Kyuhyun whispers quietly.
He presses worms a thigh in between his knees. Zhou Mi feels sick for a second, and then breathes out hard as Kyuhyun reaches up to stroke his cheek before moving in swiftly and landing a kiss on Zhou Mi’s lips.
Zhou Mi freezes, but it’s only for a moment because Kyuhyun is licking at his mouth and Zhou Mi can’t do anything but groan and open up, kiss him back, let Kyuhyun grind against him, quick and dirty. He can feel Kyuhyun getting hard and he wants to stop, wants to tell Kyuhyun that this isn’t right, but he can’t. Because he wants this, has wanted it, and Zhou Mi can’t think beyond how good it feels.
Finally.
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi gasps against his ear, “You--just. Talk. We have to talk about--”
A hand wraps presses against the inseam of his pants and fiddles with his zipper, causing the rest of his sentence to end in a strangled moan.
“You want to know what happened?” Kyuhyun murmurs, “You want to know why I’m drunk all the time? Because of this.”
The zipper comes undone and Zhou Mi starts to shake. Kyuhyun kisses him and Zhou Mi loses himself in it. He loves Kyuhyun’s lips. Has loved them, has dreamt of them, but the reality -- he should have known the reality would be better. How could he have imagined something so perfect?
“What kind of talking did you have in mind? Can we compromise and just make loud noises?”
“Don’t tease,” Zhou Mi whispers.
It’s not the smartest idea ever. It’s probably cliche in some area of the world because obviously Kyuhyun has issues and Zhou Mi doesn’t know why he’s doing this, and they should really talk.
But he feels good. Kyuhyun feels so, so good, and Zhou Mi’s been waiting for months, for years to feel this alive, to feel Kyuhyun like this, and he struggles for a reason to turn away.
“Mimi,” Kyuhyun murmurs into his ear, with an hopeful slide of his hand, “Mimi, please.”
Once his brain gets past the fact that Kyuhyun is calling him Mimi again, Zhou Mi realizes that Kyuhyun knows what he’s doing. He knows and Zhou Mi doesn’t. He has no idea. He pulls away slightly, breathing hard and trying to control himself.
“Kui Xian. You have to tell me what happened.”
--
They somehow make it through dessert, though Kyuhyun doesn’t know how. They trip over themselves as they stumble towards the hotel, a little tipsy on wine, more than a little drunk on themselves and the sensations still thundering through their veins, the tingling of their fingers weaved together.
Kyuhyun presses up against a wall, almost sick with satisfaction, to kiss him, pulling his mask down, hiding in an alley because he doesn’t think he’ll last another minute without the feel of Jaewha against him.
“One more block,” Jaewha coaxes, “Then you can be all over me.”
“Want you now,” Kyuhyun murmurs.
“Soon,” Jaewha promises, but he clearly has no intention of stopping Kyuhyun’s lips.
Kyuhyun is totally okay with that, at least, until he hears an audible gasp from behind them. He’s stopped from turning around and Jaewha pulls his face mask back up. “Run,” he whispers. Hands grasped, Kyuhyun doesn’t even think and they take off down the alleyway, plastic shopping bag swinging vigorously.
His stomach plunges when he hears the voice of their commander shouting Jaewha’s name behind them and the only thing Kyuhyun can do is run faster.
--
Zhou Mi does not like to see Kyuhyun undone like this, does not like to see him curled in on himself so tight he can barely breathe. Even Zhou Mi’s fingers running the length of his spine doesn’t seem to calm him.
“So you met someone,” he presses softly, “In the army.”
Kyuhyun hugs his knees closer.
“Did he -- you did stuff? You. Dated?”
“Yeah. You met him. The one I took to have dinner with you and Sungmin. Before.”
Before you stopped talking to me, Zhou Mi fills in the blank. He only vaguely recalls Kyuhyun’s friend. “Oh,” he he says, unable to find other words.
Comfort is something Zhou Mi is generally good at. It’s okay, Donghae, I’m sure she knows you didn’t mean to burn the rice. Ooh, yes, Sungmin, that’s a great color, I know he’ll love it. Siwon, you know how Heechul is, I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that. But this seemed a little bit too big for Zhou Mi’s smiles and hugs and words of encouragement.
“Was he good to you?” Zhou Mi asks, afraid of the answer, “What is he like? I can barely remember.”
“He’s,” Kyuhyun starts, “He was -- amazing. He was. Like you. Almost exactly.”
“I always wanted a twin.”
Apparently it’s the wrong thing to say. Kyuhyun clamps his lips shut and tears start rolling down his cheeks.
“Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi murmurs, and finally gives in. He spoons Kyuhyun, his arms resting snug against him like they always have. Hopefully like they always will, so long as he doesn’t screw this up.
“Did he break your heart? I’ll punch him for you, if I have to. Or. Get Youngwoon to do it. Discreetly, of course.”
Kyuhyun turns around, pressing into Zhou Mi’s chest and suddenly Zhou Mi can’t breathe either and his eyes are welling with tears as Kyuhyun whispers, “He’s no where you’ll be able to reach.”
--
Roads are tricky things, potholes even more so, and Kyuhyun goes down swearing as his foot gets caught in one. He knows immediately that he’s sprained it, and he grits his teeth as the shouting gets louder. Damn their commander for being so fucking quick on his feet. Damn the car accident for making it hard for Kyuhyun to move. Damn life in general.
Jaewha hauls Kyuhyun up and then over his shoulder. Kyuhyun knows it’s coming but he can’t stop it, training having made Jaewha much stronger than Kyuhyun could ever be. He’s deposited into a dumpster. He’s gasping for air as Jaewha kisses him - slowly, sweetly - and then says, “I love you, Cho Kyuhyun.”
And then the lid shuts, and Kyuhyun peeks out in time to see the commander round a corner and hurl himself into Jaewha.
And then there’s a gun. It glints in the moonlight, and Kyuhyun thinks no, thinks NO, tries to scream it, but he can’t. His mouth is open and he strains his vocal cords, squeezes his diaphragm, but there is no sound, not even a breath that will escape him. The commander makes Jaewha kneel, makes him beg, makes him confess with a gun pressed heavy to his temple.
And then there’s a shot. It’s deafening, and Kyuhyun can’t hear as the world is washed in red, and it’s not until the commander is gone, and Jaewha is lying face first on the road, that Kyuhyun can scream.
--
There’s a sort of heartbreak that you can only deal with after you’ve cried your heart out. Suddenly, all the drinking, all the screaming, all the smoking makes perfect sense and Zhou Mi feels his anger and resentment drain out of him like blood.
He feels pale.
He leaves Kyuhyun for a moment and goes to fetch Kyuhyun’s one bottle of wine and this time brings two glasses to go with it instead of one. Kyuhyun gives him very suspicious look, but doesn’t say anything, allowing Zhou Mi to pour for both of them and they sit, sides pressed together, resting their backs on the headboard.
“I don’t even know what to tell you.”
“No one ever does,” Kyuhyun says, and his head lolls to the side, his temple pressing into Zhou Mi’s bony shoulder. “Sungmin was good about because he didn’t really say much at all after his first lecture on how none of this is my fault.”
“It isn’t,” Zhou Mi says.
“I fell in love with him,” Kyuhyun whispers, “That makes it my fault.”
“Do you think love is something you can help?”
“I think it’s something we choose.”
“Perhaps in part,” Zhou Mi allows, “But there’s some force at work that has us meet people, some force at work that created us to feel, to think, to love. Kui Xian, there must be some small part of you that believes in destiny.”
“You sound like the sort of person that writes really sappy lyrics.”
They trade punches for awhile, laughing at each other before Kyuhyun sighs forlornly and says, “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Do what?”
Kyuhyun turns to him, wine glass set on a bedside table, eyes serious and dark. “Love again,” he says simply.
Despair is a good word for the feeling that crawls up Zhou Mi’s spine, but he thinks he does a good job of not showing it.
“Well,” he says, refilling his glass, “You’re in good company, then.”
They sit in silence for awhile before Kyuhyun whispers, “Our fans always made it sound so easy.”
“Yeah, they did,” Zhou Mi shifts, and Kyuhyun’s head rests back on his shoulder.
There’s really nothing to say after that, so they drink together, each using the alcohol to burn away a piece of their heart.
--
Kyuhyun’s sure he smells like garbage, but he doesn’t care. He calls Sungmin anyway, and almost collapses with relief when the call is picked up.
They meet in a small back alley restaurant, and it only takes the sight of Sungmin’s concerned expression for Kyuhyun to break down into tears all over again. Sungmin has only ever cared for Kyuhyun and it’s especially evident now as he wraps his arms around Kyuhyun and holds him tight, lets him soak an favorite pink t-shirt with tears and snot and drool. It’s a good ten minutes before Kyuhyun can focus enough to move and Sungmin sits him down at a table, thanking the ahjumma that brings them warm tea, and rubs his hand up and down Kyuhyun’s spine.
He listens as Kyuhyun tells him everything. He starts with Jaewha’s smile and the way it made him feel. He talks about their kiss, their dates, their fooling around, how he wants -- wanted -- Jaewha so much. And then Kyuhyun talks about Zhou Mi, about how he loved Zhou Mi, about how he was so confused. Sungmin seems to not like this very much, but he still doesn’t say anything, just listens.
Any confusion he had harbored towards Kyuhyun’s breakdown disappears as Kyuhyun talks about their dinner and the walk to the hotel and then how he hadn’t been able to move as Jaewha’s life had bled out onto the tar.
“I can’t,” Kyuhyun says, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t. I should have stopped him, I should have said something. It’s all my fault.”
“That’s not your fault!” Sungmin says fiercely, “Kyuhyun, he saved your life. Do you honestly think you would have gotten away if he hadn’t put you in that dumpster?”
“I can’t. I can’t owe him that. I can’t. How am I supposed to pay him back?”
“By living,” Sungmin says.
Kyuhyun sort of wants to punch him.
--
Zhou Mi goes to Heechul.
“I love him,” he says.
Heechul orders another drink.
“You realize how problematic this is? Donghae might be my favorite, but that doesn’t mean I’ll spare you when it comes to Kyuhyun.”
“I wanted to woo him,” Zhou Mi lets his head fall to the tabletop, and his cheek sticks uncomfortably. He sighs, too heartbroken to care. “I was planning expensive wine and star gazing and rooftop dates. I wanted to be mushy and kiss while lying on a blanket. I wanted to dance with him. I wanted--love. But he doesn’t want that anymore.”
Heechul’s drink arrives and they wait until the ahjumma walks away.
“This is quite possibly the most irritating discussion I’ve ever had. Already. Just because he says he doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean that someday he won’t. God. Look at Siwon and I. Years wasted because he couldn’t say I love you.”
“I thought that was because you didn’t believe in God?”
“Excuse me?” Heechul asks sharply, and Zhou Mi huffs a sigh.
“Hyung, I just. I want to fix him.”
“Well you’ll just have to wait, won’t you? Do you want to date a broken man?”
His breath starts to make the tabletop tacky and he finally pulls away, frowning forlornly into his glass of water. “I want my Kui Xian back.”
“I know,” Heechul says, and it’s surprisingly soft for someone whose voice usually grates. “And eventually you will. But Zhou Mi. Seeing someone you love murdered in front of you is damaging, I don’t care who you are.”
And Zhou Mi knows that, he really does. He just hates seeing people he loves in pain.
“If you watched Kyuhyun get shot in front of you, do you think you could just turn around and love someone else?”
Zhou Mi forces himself to not think about that for too long. “Of course not.”
“Okay, then,” Heechul says, and pours him more soju. “Now drink. It’s not natural for you to frown. I don’t like it.”
--
Their commander gets away with it. Kyuhyun seethes, but he keeps quiet. He is called in, because someone had seen them together that evening, but Kyuhyun denies it and then offers Sungmin as a witness and so the entire situation is put to rest the second Kyuhyun shuts the office door.
For the army, anyway.
Kyuhyun always has nightmares. Nightmares that begin with blood dripping everywhere and end with screaming. He dreams about busting out of the dumpster to save Jaewha’s life and about dying in Jaewha’s place. Every one is tortuous.
Sungmin wants him to talk to a councilor, someone who will help him, but Kyuhyun refuses. He’s not ready to tell people yet, not ready to announce to the world that he likes men and his sexual preference got someone he loves killed.
“You don’t have to tell everyone,” Sungmin tries to say, but Kyuhyun ignores him. He’d find something to act as a refuge for him, something that wouldn’t spill his secrets for a couple thousand won.
The day he’s released he can’t look at Zhou Mi, at least for extended periods of time. He doesn’t need to be feeling anything remotely related to attraction and the only reason he even greets Zhou Mi is because of all the cameras.
Also, Sungmin is prodding him in the back hard and Kyuhyun has never been one for pain.
So he sweeps by after nodding his head and squishes into the van between Sungmin and Ryeowook, intent on ignoring Zhou Mi for the rest of his life.
--
Kyuhyun doesn’t exactly ignore Zhou Mi after he confesses everything, but it’s not exactly the same either. Not that Zhou Mi is about to complain.
Days pass, then weeks, and it’s finally a month of hardly any alcohol, no tantrums, and no cigarettes. He starts to sing again, even if it’s only when he thinks no one can hear him, and Zhou Mi contemplates kicking him out of the apartment, just to see if Kyuhyun can live on his own.
Sungmin beams whenever he comes to visit and it isn’t long before other band members come by. Jungsu sobs all over Zhou Mi when he thinks Kyuhyun isn’t looking (he is, and he’s making rude faces at him behind his back,) and thanks Zhou Mi for taking care of Kyuhyun for him. It’s all very embarrassing, but Zhou Mi bears it well, thinking that maybe someday, when they can all laugh about this, it’ll be good blackmail material. The sly grin on Kyuhyun’s face tells Zhou Mi he isn’t the only one thinking this.
Heechul’s visit is, of course, filled with suggestive eyebrow raising that Zhou Mi studiously ignores because he hasn’t talked with Kyuhyun about that thing (involving lips and hands and lots of pheromones) that had happened over a month ago. Clearly, Heechul disapproves, and Zhou Mi has to sit through dinner while both Heechul and Siwon frown at him.
“Since when,” Zhou Mi hisses at Heechul who had volunteered himself to observe Zhou Mi as he did the dishes, “Have you become the freaking parental units of this band?”
“Since Jungsu and Kangin have been too busy and too fed up with the world to care,” Heechul says. “Actually that’s a lie. Jungsu told me not to get involved but when have I ever listened? Siwon and I thought it best we did something about this mess.”
“It’s not a mess,” Zhou Mi says, debating on whether or not he flick soapy water all over Heechul face.
He almost does, but then Siwon walks in and Zhou Mi decides it’s better to just keep his hands where they belong. They leave shortly after, and Zhou Mi realizes then, that Siwon had said something to Kyuhyun because for the rest of their night, Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him.
Zhou Mi gets ready for bed debating whether he should say something, or ask if everything is alright, but Kyuhyun looks deep in thought, so he leaves it. “I’m going to bed.”
“Okay,” Kyuhyun says, without looking up from his computer.
“Sleep good,” Zhou Mi says, and then decides to just walk away. Better to leave before he’s hurt about Kyuhyun not giving him a response.
He’s about to fall asleep, when a sliver of light creeps across the floor. He blinks blearily, upset because he knows he shut the door properly, but the feeling fades as Kyuhyun’s silhouette slips into the room.
“Kui Xian?”
The bed dips and Zhou Mi holds his breath as Kyuhyun slides in beside him, laying on his back, pulling the blankets up and over his nose. His eyes stare blankly at the ceiling.
“I’m not ready.”
Zhou Mi settles on one elbow and looks down. “For what?”
“It’s nothing against you. I’m just not ready.”
Seconds pass before Zhou Mi’s brain fills in the blanks. He’s not ready to love.
“I know.”
“And I don’t regret him,” Kyuhyun continues, “I love him, Mi. I really--I can’t forget that.”
Zhou Mi fits his arm underneath Kyuhyun’s neck, presses his forehead to his temple and tries not to cry. “You shouldn’t ever.”
An hand pulls at his arm and Zhou Mi breathes Kyuhyun in as he lets himself be wrapped in gangly limbs. “I really did miss you. As a friend.”
You should have talked to me, is what Zhou Mi wants to say, but he’s sure if he opens his mouth, he’ll sob. So he stays silent, listening as Kyuhyun tells him I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a jerk, I’m sorry I ruined your life, I’m sorry I can’t love you.
The last one is particularly hard on his heart. He really had wanted romance.
“It’s,” he hears himself say, “It’s okay.”
And once he says it, he realizes that actually, it is. It is okay.
He loves Kyuhyun. His Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun who loves wine and games and singing. Kyuhyun who makes fun of everyone, regardless of age, and Kyuhyun who likes to pretend that he can dance.
Kyuhyun doesn’t have to love Zhou Mi back for him to be all of that.
“I missed you as a friend,” Zhou Mi whispers, “I’m happy with you being just that.”
For now, anyway, Zhou Mi thinks, as Kyuhyun laughs and smiles and turns into him, holding on for dear life.
They can do wine and stargazing and dancing and romance another day. Maybe when Kyuhyun’s ready.
Maybe tomorrow.
Poll Round 7: this is the way that we love
Team: Future
Rating: R
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi
Summary: Coming out of the army, Kyuhyun is a changed man. Zhou Mi misses his Kui Xian and resolves to get him back, whatever the cost. It’s not as easy as he thinks.
Author's Note: Title from mika’s happy ending Thank you awesome team members for reading this over :) Also, warning for serious angst, as per their instructions.
Prompt Used: http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2007/11/i-pass-you-everyday.html (supplementary prompt from GTop’s High High MV)
The sun is bright when Zhou Mi steps out of the van, and he has to shield his eyes as he finds his footing. Falling flat on his face in front of fans and the press is not the best way to start the day, and not the best way to greet a someone you haven’t seen in two years (twenty-one months minus 100 days, to be exact; Zhou Mi doesn’t want to do the math.)
He feels Heechul press in behind him and knows there’s a million cameras on them. “Smile,” Heechul says into his ear, sounding strained, “You don’t want the fans thinking their oppas forced you here.”
Which they hadn’t, technically. But possibly coerced and definitely blackmailed, there isn’t anything Zhou Mi can do about it. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to be here, it’s that he’s sure Kyuhyun doesn’t want him to be here, and that’s a significant distinction.
But meddling band members are meddling, and this is how it is: Zhou Mi getting out of the van to greet Kyuhyun at the end of his tour of duty, whether either of them likes it or not.
Siwon steps out behind him and Zhou Mi is abandoned for sturdy abdominal muscles and deep dimples. Ryeowook comes out next followed by Sungmin, and Zhou Mi lets them all go ahead of him. Kyuhyun had stayed in contact with them, at least, had not stopped speaking to them after a few months of being in the army. They all deny it, but Zhou Mi knows it’s true because he hears Sungmin talking to him sometimes, knows Ryeowook goes to visit him, knows fucking Shim Changmin sees him regularly, and that irritates Zhou Mi more than anything because Changmin has his own problems and his own bandmates to worry about it, so can he please leave Kyuhyun alone?
Jungsu eyes at him, as if to remind Zhou Mi of the pages of composition notes currently being held hostage back at the dorm. He suspects that they’re in Hyukjae’s sock drawer, but he’s not entirely sure. If they smell when he gets them back, he is going to be pissed.
They spend five minutes waving to the crowd, bowing to fans, posing for pictures, and out of the corner of his eye, Zhou Mi can see several fans with Qmi boards and it makes him sick.
The screaming gets several decibels higher as Kyuhyun steps out of an army car and Zhou Mi swallows hard.
Kyuhyun looks defeated.
Zhou Mi had expected happiness, maybe a little energy, maybe even a smile. But he gets none of these. Kyuhyun looks as blank as ever, his eyes dull and lifeless, even as he bows to the press and accepts a flurry of hugs from the other members.
Their eyes meet and Zhou Mi thinks it can’t get any worse, because Kyuhyun is looking at him with complete and utter disdain. He shoves aside the emotions it drags up and manages a smile.
“Welcome back.”
Kyuhyun nods at him and then moves on. It hurts more than Zhou Mi wants to admit.
If anyone notices, they don’t comment.
Zhou Mi gets his compositions back when they arrive at the dorms and that’s all he cares about.
Really.
--
“You’re the idol, right? I think my sister has a poster of you on her wall somewhere. Or maybe that’s Dong Bang Shin Ki. I wasn’t really allowed anywhere near it.”
The kid has Zhou Mi’s sunny smile and looks as frail as Ryeowook during his worst dieting stint. And he has Sungmin’s hair; it looks nice parted off to the side, like it needs no styling gel to hang perfectly. Kyuhyun’s thinks it’ll be a waste when they chop it all off.
“My name is Jaewha.”
“Kyuhyun.”
When they shake, Kyuhyun finds that Jaewha’s hand is warm.
--
Schedules resume as usual, but this time, with all the members, minus Hangeng, obviously, and Kibum, predictably. Zhou Mi hosts a show in China, and he co-hosts a variety show with Siwon in Korea. Zhou Mi writes for the company, sings for soundtracks, and releases the occasional Chinese single that always does better than he expects.
Jungsu starts to blather on about a comeback, and Zhou Mi only half pays attention, promises to help with whatever they need, assures Jungsu that no, he’s not too old (even though okay, yeah, he actually might be.)
And Kyuhyun -- Kyuhyun always makes Zhou Mi sigh.
They pass in the hallways of the SM building often, but barely acknowledge each other. They’ve come a long way since SJM, Zhou Mi thinks, and it gives him reason to hate the army. Hate Korea. Hate everything.
But he doesn’t. Can’t. He always smiles when Kyuhyun sees him, always goes to listen to Kyuhyun record songs for soundtracks (four already in the first month of getting out,) always tries to sit next to him when Jungsu makes everyone attend comeback meetings, just because that’s what they always did. That’s who they were.
Heechul nudges him towards Kyuhyun after one such meeting and Zhou Mi plasters a 1000 watt smile onto his face , approaching warily. He tries to think of something to say.
“You haven’t talked to me about the army. Do you want to get dinner and you can relate all your adventures?”
Kyuhyun glares at him.
“It’s just, well, we used to talk so much and--”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” Kyuhyun says, as formally as one could in Korean, “Leave me alone.”
Zhou Mi is stunned, and the only positive thing about the situation is that Heechul looks just as surprised. And then very angry. “Yah,” he says, “Cho Kyuhyun!”
But Kyuhyun’s gone.
Zhou Mi sighs and hopes that maybe now the members will give it a rest.
--
Kyuhyun’s exempt from most training, due to his car accident injuries, and instead gets a position in communications, once the commander discovers how fast his fingers can move across a keyboard. He actually finds it fun, relaying commands and learning how to jam signals and track things with a satellite. In fact, he would go so far as to say that he excels, and wonders if maybe he chose the wrong career path.
“You’re lucky,” Jaewha tells him one night over dinner, “I wish I was as good at running and hauling equipment as you are at typing on a keyboard.”
“At least you’re gaining muscle,” Kyuhyun says, “I think my body is atrophying.”
“Like you care,” Jaewha jostles Kyuhyun elbow, knocking rice from his spoon, and Kyuhyun scoffs.
“My dinner. Dude.”
Somehow, they end up on the floor, laughing and aiming for soft spots until they’re breathless. Kyuhyun pretends not to notice the disapproving and suspicious glances their commander gives them. It’s none of his concern, after all.
--
It is not the end of meddlesome bandmates. If anything, it gets worse. Hyukjae and Heechul take it upon themselves to teach Zhou Mi the basics of StarCraft. Predictably, he is terrible, but they hold his compositions hostage again until he tells Kyuhyun: “I’m learning StarCraft. Let’s play.”
Kyuhyun eyes him from over a musical script and then stands up. He hasn’t really gained muscle, but there’s an air of toughness about him now that’s sobering. He’s more masculine. It’s intoxicating.
“I said I didn’t want to talk to you,” Kyuhyun says, his voice firm.
“But--”
“Get out, Zhou Mi. And tell the others to stop fucking with my business.”
“Kyuhyun.”
“Get out!” Kyuhyun screams, and when Zhou Mi doesn’t, Kyuhyun pushes him hard and slams the door in his face.
“I don’t,” Zhou Mi whispers to the door, but he can’t finish his sentence.
Okay, so Kyuhyun doesn’t want to see him. That’s fine. Zhou Mi doesn’t really want to look at him either, after everything that had happened, but it can’t be helped. They work together. They’re in the same fucking band together.
“I don’t understand you,” Zhou Mi says to the door.
A hand lands on his shoulder and Zhou Mi turns around to find Siwon behind him looking extremely concerned. Heechul probably fetched him, Zhou Mi thinks, and lets Siwon pull him close.
The quiet murmur of Mandarin is soothing, even if it makes no sense, and Zhou Mi breathes normally for a little while.
--
Kyuhyun hides a lot of things. During SJM he hides how much he likes Zhou Mi. how much he likes his smile, his hands, his hugs, his legs. He tries not to think about it beyond fan service, but now, when he hasn't any fans to please, it's difficult to compartmentalize what he feels, and he struggles because Jaewha's smile infects his soul and he confuses it with what he feels (or is it felt?) for Zhou Mi.
So on his 100th day of being in the army, when he’s given leave, and he takes Jaewha to meet up with Zhou Mi and Sungmin, he finds himself in a crisis. He’s happy to see his friends, but after immense amounts of pictures being taken and even larger amounts of food being consumed, he realizes that he likes Jaewha’s smile as much as he likes Zhou Mi’s, likes Jaewha’s hands as much as Zhou Mi’s, likes Jaewha’s hugs as much as he likes Zhou Mi’s, and that he even likes Jaewha’s legs as much as Zhou Mi’s and that’s saying something. Because Zhou Mi has spectacular legs, and anyone, male or female, towering over Zhou Mi and looking just as good in skinny jeans as Zhou Mi is not something easily dismissed.
“They’re nice,” Jaewha tells him, on the way back to the base, meaning Kyuhyun’s bandmates.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun nods.
“You miss them?”
A little, Kyuhyun has to admits to himself. “I’ve made friends here,” he says instead, and Jaewha laughs.
--
In the first few months back, Kyuhyun goes on at least fifteen different dates. People his parents set him up with, people Changmin (fucking Shim Changmin, Zhou Mi growls to himself,) set him up with, people Jungsu wants him to meet. Men, women, it doesn’t matter, Cho Kyuhyun meets them all, rejects them all, and then comes home plastered.
He’s always drunk, unless he has a recording to do, in which case, he smokes. It’s not bad at first, the smoking, and no one comments on it, but when a recording session is cut short because Kyuhyun is doubled over in a coughing fit, Zhou Mi can’t help but worry.
And then, suddenly, Kyuhyun stops singing altogether.
This time, Zhou Mi doesn’t wait for the others to prompt him and he confronts Kyuhyun in his bedroom. Zhou Mi goes for intimidating.
“Talk to me.”
“Get the fuck out of my room.”
Kyuhyun’s words slur together and Zhou Mi wonders how much he had to drink.
“What is wrong?”
“I don’t want to look at you. Get out.”
“Kui Xian.”
“Don’t call me that. My name is Kyuhyun. Kui Xian isn’t even right and you know that. You don’t even fucking know me or what I’ve been through so leave me alone.”
“I’d know if you’d just talk to me about it!”
“I don’t want to talk to you about it. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. Talking never does anything. Just leave me be!”
“I can’t do that!”
They are screaming at each other, and Zhou Mi is breathing hard, teeth clenched tight as Kyuhyun flows off the bed, stumbling as he tries to stand. He lands heavy against Zhou Mi’s chest as he tries to push him. “Leave me alone.”
“I will not.”
“Please, Zhou Mi. Please. Go away, I don’t want to look at you. At your smile, at your hair, at your fucking perfect legs. Get away from me.”
He’s crying at this point, trying to kick ineffectually at something, anything, and Zhou Mi knows now, not hypothesizes or suspects, but knows, that something happened to Kyuhyun in the army, something horrible, and he vows to get out of Kyuhyun what it is.
--
It happens by accident when they’re shipped out to Busan for an op. The company is squished into a room to sleep in shifts and he and Jaewha are some of the few not on duty and freezing their asses off. Apparently the army is too cheap to buy space heaters, because there are none to be found.
All he knows is that he’s shivering and the only available warmth is radiating out of Jaewha’s body so they huddle close and neither of them call it cuddling. Because that would be weird and Kyuhyun doesn’t want weird. Jaewha’s a friend and you can get arrested for being gay in the Korean army. He doesn’t want that.
The others are sleeping; Kyuhyun can hear their even breathing. He’s perfected the art of feigning sleep (a necessity in a dorm full of men who consistently play pranks) and he knows without a shred of doubt that he and Jaewha are the only ones awake.
“So damn cold,” he mutters.
The only explanation for what follows is that they’re half asleep. Before he knows it, Jaewha’s got him tucked underneath his chin, both of their sleeping bags wrapped tightly around them and Kyuhyun feels toasty warm.
It’s scary-safe.
“Should have done this earlier.” The whisper stirs hair behind Kyuhyun’s ear.
Kyuhyun pulls back, his head scraping the down sleeping bag just as Jaewha moves forward to cover their heads and then they’re kissing. Sort of. Lips pressed together in surprise, Kyuhyun decides to just go with it, and then it’s messy, wet, sexual, and suddenly, it’s too hot and Kyuhyun’s wants the bite of the cold air back on his burning skin.
But not until they’re done.
--
Sungmin knows.
Zhou Mi realizes this when he goes to talk with him about moving Kyuhyun into Sungmin’s apartment so that he can be properly looked after.
Zhou Mi asks, begs, pleads with Sungmin to tell him what happened, to say whatever he knows so that he can help Kyuhyun, help his Kui Xian get better, because he misses him.
He admits it readily now. He misses their jokes and their laughter. He misses singing together, misses Kyuhyun’s attitude, misses taking pictures together, misses the fan service, misses everything.
“I can’t tell you.”
“Sungmin, look at him.”
“Zhou Mi, if he doesn’t want you to know right now, then I definitely cannot tell you. But nothing’s stopping you from moving him. Just do it, you know we’ll all help you.”
It’s not reassuring.
Breaking the news does not go well, and Kyuhyun screams at him until Heechul comes in (one of the few people he bothers listening to these days,) and says that Kyuhyun is moving out because no one but Zhou Mi can stand him anymore.
Kyuhyun still screams and this time, it takes Siwon slapping him across the face to shut him up.
No one moves at first, and then Kyuhyun sags and he hits the floor.
“You’re moving in with Zhou Mi,” Siwon says, “I’m sick of this.”
Kyuhyun looks at him, breathing hard. “Fucking Heechul has really changed you,” he says.
Zhou Mi half expects another slap, but it doesn’t come. The set of Siwon’s face is hard as he steps back and takes Heechul’s hand in his own.
“Yes,” he whispers, “For the better. Unlike you.”
Zhou Mi realizes that Siwon knows what happened too, and if Siwon knows, then so does Heechul.
Am I the only one that doesn’t know what the fuck is going on here?
--
It’s too risky to jump each other whenever they want (which is often) so when they next have leave, Kyuhyun doesn’t tell anyone and they rent a hotel room. Neither of them know what they’re doing, so they don’t do much of anything, but Kyuhyun doesn’t care. Here, he doesn’t have think about anything besides how good Jaewha tastes and how amazing his fingers feel and how fucking awesome his mouth is around Kyuhyun’s cock, inexperience and all.
Kyuhyun feels like a teenager all over again.
--
Zhou Mi had always had a dorm away from the the other members. Henry had long since gone to live with other people (Zhou Mi thinks it’s now Key or maybe that new trainee from America, but he’s not sure) and so there is plenty of space for Kyuhyun’s belongings.
Kyuhyun’s scowling through the entire move, his tongue never ceasing to find something to criticize (the carpet, the curtains, the dishes, Zhou Mi’s fucking fish,) but Zhou Mi bears it all. Kyuhyun’s drunk, after all. He’s always drunk.
“I can’t do this,” Kyuhyun says dramatically, “I don’t want to look at your face every single day. Why is this necessary?”
“Because you can’t take care of yourself and no one but me cares about you anymore,” Zhou Mi says, and he means to sound harsh. “Get up off my couch.”
“That’s not true,” Kyuhyun says, “Heechul loves me. Sungmin loves me. He probably wants to kiss me.”
“Sungmin has a girlfriend, remember?” Zhou Mi says, and sighs.
“Oh right,” Kyuhyun frowns. “She’s pretty. Not as pretty as me,” he flops on the couch cushions. “Maybe Heechul will kiss me. Heechul likes kissing.”
“Heechul doesn’t kiss anyone but Siwon now, you know that. Maybe you should go take a nap, Kui Xian.”
“That isn’t my name, fucker,” Kyuhyun mutters, but he’s already falling asleep, pulled there by the alcohol.
Zhou Mi rolls his eyes. At least Kyuhyun isn’t screaming anymore.
--
Kyuhyun has never considered himself gay until Jaewha. Being attracted Zhou Mi is sort of like being attracted to sunlight -- natural, necessary -- and not really gay, but now that Kyuhyun can be found with his hand down Jaewha’s pants and Jaewha’s tongue down his throat he thinks he should probably just get over himself. He’s gay, at least for two people, and that’s how it is. When he thinks about the happy little bubble in his soul that consists of Jaewha, he doesn’t much mind.
--
Zhou Mi finds a stash of alcohol in Kyuhyun’s closet after a week of coming home to him completely smashed and he sighs. He doesn’t touch it, and calls Hyukjae, whos he knows will take it and dump it down the sink without a second thought.
Hyukjae almost cries when he sees the bottles of wine and liquor. He takes all ten of them and proceeds to do exactly as Zhou Mi had predicted.
“Are you doing okay with him?” Hyukjae asks, sounding genuinely concerned.
“He’s not screaming,” Zhou Mi shrugs, “Though he does tell me daily that I am the ugliest person he’s ever seen. Unless he’s beyond sloshed, then I have really nice legs, even though my nose is an unfortunate size.”
Hyukjae chuckles, and then sighs, and then almost breaks a bottle on the sink counter as Kyuhyun comes banging into the apartment looking rabid.
“What are you doing?”
“Ridding you of your vice,” Hyukjae says.
Zhou Mi has to loops his arms around Kyuhyun’s middle to keep him from tackling Hyukjae to the floor.
“You fucking--”
Zhou Mi clamps a hand over Kyuhyun’s mouth. “Leave him one bottle, Hyukjae. He can have one bottle at a time.”
Hyukjae does not look pleased at this, but he shrugs, and sets aside a bottle of wine. Kyuhyun doesn’t stop struggling against Zhou Mi’s arms until the last drop of alcohol is gone and he slumps pathetically against Zhou Mi’s chest looking ready to cry.
“Why would you do that?” He asks weakly. “Mi, I need it. You know I need it. Don’t. Don’t take that away from me.”
The nickname breaks Zhou Mi’s heart. “I don’t know that you need it. You won’t tell me why.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.
“What is worth this, Kyuhyun? You have so much to live for.”
Kyuhyun snorts and chokes back a sob, “I have nothing to live for. Not anymore.”
“Kyuhyun,” Hyukjae says and Zhou Mi doesn’t look up but he’s sure Hyukjae’s crying. Crying for the person Kyuhyun used that be that clearly doesn’t exist anymore.
Kyuhyun gasps against Zhou Mi’s collarbone and clutches him hard. Zhou Mi doesn’t know what to do or say so he squeezes back and lets Kyuhyun cry until he falls asleep on his feet.
Hyukjae helps Zhou Mi carry him to bed and then sees himself out as Zhou Mi tucks the covers around Kyuhyun’s body carefully.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Kyuhyun mumbles, as Zhou Mi brushes away strands of his hair.
Honestly, Zhou Mi doesn’t know anymore. He should just let Kyuhyun drink himself to death since that seems to be exactly what he wants to do.
“Don’t be so fucking nice to me,” Kyuhyun mutters, “It’s confusing.”
Zhou Mi doesn’t ask him what he means.
--
Sometimes, Kyuhyun gets confused. When he’s a little tipsy and looking up (or down) at Jaewha and his vision blurs, he sees Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi and his lilted Korean and pretty Mandarin whispering dirty things into Kyuhyun’s ear as he grinds down and arches up and wraps those ridiculous legs around Kyuhyun’s middle.
“It’s not bad, necessarily,” Jaewha says, when Kyuhyun musters up to courage to tell him this, “You liked him and never did anything about it. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but you’re here with me, now. I hope it’ll stay that way.”
Kyuhyun decides to ignore Zhou Mi for awhile, just to see if that would help. He had always put off telling Zhou Mi how he had felt. Later, later, later, maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day he’d say something, and okay yeah, maybe it makes him a coward. But if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have Jaewha now, and Kyuhyun can’t imagine that at all.
--
Zhou Mi buys him one bottle at a time. Kyuhyun wheedles, pleads, begs with him to let him drink more, but Zhou Mi refuses. He says if Kyuhyun can explain why he needs so much alcohol, then maybe that will earn him more, but Kyuhyun never does and Zhou Mi watches Kyuhyun sip (sometimes guzzle) a huge glass every night in hopes it will be enough to make him tipsy.
Zhou Mi starts to regulate his meals as well when he realizes that Kyuhyun eats less in hopes it would get him drunk faster, and Kyuhyun throws a fit about that, breaking dishes, smashing glasses, and throwing pans until Zhou Mi has to tackle him to the floor and pin him there.
“You have to stop,” Zhou Mi pleads, “Kyuhyun listen to me, please. Management’s ready to ship you off to an institution. You know what it’s like there. You know it. Please, Kui Xian. Please.”
Kyuhyun falls still.
“Just be sane,” Zhou Mi whispers against his ear, linking their fingers together besides Kyuhyun’s head, “You can’t go away. Not again.”
And that’s really the problem, Zhou Mi thinks, or at least part of his own problem. He doesn’t want Kyuhyun to leave him, not again.
“You missed me?” Kyuhyun asks.
“Yes,” Zhou Mi whispers, “I missed us.”
“There was never an us.”
Maybe not how Zhou Mi had wanted, and now, pressed up against Kyuhyun’s body, pinning him to the floor, feeling him move against Zhou Mi in order to get comfortable, even if only slightly, he is aware of how that want had not changed.
But clearly Kyuhyun hadn’t felt the same way.
“We were awesome as Qmi,” Zhou Mi says instead.
Kyuhyun snorts.
Zhou Mi levers himself up onto his elbows to stare down at Kyuhyun. He lets go of one hand to stroke back Kyuhyun’s hair and then cup his cheek. “I want my best friend back,” he says seriously.
“That Kyuhyun is gone.”
“I know that,” Zhou Mi says, “But you’ve given me no reason as to why the new Kyuhyun can’t trust me like the old one did.”
It isn’t a heart to heart, especially as Kyuhyun still does not offer an explanation for his behavior, but he’ll take what he can get.
“I’m sorry,” Kyuhyun murmurs.
“Then fix this,” Zhou Mi says and climbs to his feet. “Fix it, Cho Kyuhyun.”
“I don’t know how,” Kyuhyun says.
He’s choking up again and Zhou Mi can only get back down on the floor and cradle him, hold his friend tight as he cries about something he refuses to explain.
--
Kyuhyun knows what’s going to happen next. Fooling around can only go on for so long until they progress to the next level. It’s all very logical, in Kyuhyun’s mind, and he starts planning, even though they haven’t talked about it. It’s not like they can. Their commander has already started giving them strange looks Kyuhyun can only deflect with, “I’m an idol. I’m used to people touching me all the time.”
It feels like years, even thought it’s not, and Kyuhyun lies about his leave again. He’s no longer speaking with Zhou Mi. Sungmin tells him Zhou Mi is depressed about it, but Kyuhyun doesn’t stop to think about it. Zhou Mi doesn’t haunt his dreams anymore, nor does he envision Zhou Mi kissing down his neck instead of Jaewha. All is right with the world and is as it should be. For a little while anyway.
Kyuhyun keeps his face covered while they’re in public, because it isn’t as though he had been unpopular entering the army, and Kyuhyun feels brave enough to sling an arm around Jaewha’s shoulders.
“Same hotel as last time?” Jaewha murmurs into his ear.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun says, and grins behind his face mask. “But. Let’s stop at the store. I want to get a few things first.”
“What?” Jaewha asks, curious.
Kyuhyun gives him a look and it only takes a second for Jaewha to catch on.
“Okay,” he breathes, and it’s a little shaky.
Kyuhyun’s stomach curls in anticipation.
--
Zhou Mi takes Kyuhyun out to dinner.
It’s more than a little awkward, but Kyuhyun is relatively sober, and Zhou Mi orders them soju and lets Kyuhyun drink most of it. It’s not a lot, and with the food, Kyuhyun gets tipsy at worst. Surprisingly, Zhou Mi doesn’t mind too much. Kyuhyun’s being friendly and if he’s lucky, the alcohol will loosen Kyuhyun’s tongue.
They don’t talk about anything in particular: schedules, bandmates, Donghae’s marriage in a few weeks that yes, Kyuhyun will be sober for, he promises, babies, orphanages, the sad life of Jungsu who had twelve ducklings to take care of and now has barely any.
“You should call him,” Zhou Mi says casually, “He misses you.”
“The Almighty National MC?” Kyuhyun snorts into his cup, “Unlikely.”
“He does,” Zhou Mi insists.
“He’s got his own show with Youngwoon. What more could he possibly want?”
“Youngwoon’s dating his sister, did you know that?”
Kyuhyun pauses and then bursts out laughing, “Well, that’s awkward.”
“He’s planning to propose, Kyuhyun.”
The glass is set down. “Okay,” Kyuhyun says, “You got me. What else have I missed besides Siwon ending his religion crisis, Donghae getting married, and Youngwoon and Inyoung?”
“Actually it’s the other way around.”
“What?”
“Siwon and Heechul,” Zhou Mi says with a sly grin, “Heechul believes in God now.”
“Now I’m sure you’re lying.”
“Okay, maybe not God,” Zhou Mi says, “But he and Siwon finally sat down and had words and by the end of it, Heechul got Siwon to say I love you and Siwon finally got Heechul to admit that the world creating itself is dumb.”
Kyuhyun sits back. “Well. That’s unexpected.”
“It’s not like,” Zhou Mi waves a hand, “Religion or anything. But he at least admits there’s something semi-sentient out there, and Siwon accepts that. It’s enough for him.”
“Enough to say ‘I love you,’ at least,” Kyuhyun shakes his head, “And not mean it platonically. I’m impressed.”
It’s information worth another shot of soju and Zhou Mi lets him have it. It’s possibly for shock. Zhou Mi knows he had wanted a drink when Heechul had explained it to him.
“What about you?” Kyuhyun asks, “What have you been doing? Marrying and divorcing myriads of women?”
“Hardly,” Zhou Mi says stiffly. What could he say, really? Well, Kyuhyun, actually, I was pining after you. Yeah, no. That wouldn’t go over well at all.
A flash breaks his train of thought and he looks out at the tables in time to see a camera disappear into a bag and a fangirl take off, giggling madly. Some things never change.
“That’s going to be everywhere tomorrow,” Kyuhyun grumbles.
“Well, that’s not my fault,” Zhou Mi says airily, and he tingles with happiness when Kyuhyun actually laughs.
--
They have dinner first, eating in a corner of a small restaurant, hidden away from prying eyes. But they’re still careful as they link their fingers underneath the table cloth. Jaewha’s hand is still impossibly warm and it only gets warmer with the food and soju and thoughts of the articles hidden safely in the bag at Kyuhyun’s side.
Jaewha’s smiles warmly as he feeds Kyuhyun off of his plate and more than one bite ends in kisses against his mouth and shivers sent down his spine. They take a few trips to the bathroom, and by the last one, Kyuhyun’s on his knees licking a stripe up Jaewha’s cock and hoping they’re quiet enough so as to not raise suspicion.
“Thought--hotel--“ Jaewha manages before he babbles incoherently and Kyuhyun hollows out his cheeks and then pulls away.
“This is like--an appetizer,” Kyuhyun grins up at him.
“Fucking-“ Jaewha hisses, and then bites his lips as Kyuhyun swallows around him. “Fucker.”
“That’s for later,” Kyuhyun murmurs against the skin of Jaewha’s stomach, and no longer cares about the noises they make.
--
Kyuhyun gets steadily louder the more he drinks. He doesn’t seem too out of it, but after they share a few bottles of soju, Zhou Mi doesn’t ask for anymore and neither does Kyuhyun. Hopeful doesn’t even cover the emotion bubbling up in Zhou Mi’s chest.
They talk through the rest of the band and then SHINee, DBSK, the new group Kyuhyun still couldn’t remember the name of, than SNSD, f(x), before talking about girls inevitably leads them back around to the subject of dating.
“You really didn’t date anyone?”
Zhou Mi wonders what he should say, takes a few precious moments to twirl his chopsticks, picking absently at his food like he is too drunk to think of an answer. “I really didn’t,” he finally answers. “There were no girls for me, Kui Xian.”
Kyuhyun seems to accept this and they move on. Comebacks, photo shoots, MVs, and they get through dessert and coffee still smiling. Zhou Mi definitely considers it progress.
The conversation lulls on the way back to the apartment, but Kyuhyun slumps against Zhou Mi’s side on the bus. The only indication that’s he’s awake are his fingers playing with a hole in his jeans.
It’s warm and comfortable and Zhou Mi wishes they never had to get off. Standing is so difficult, so troublesome, and Kyuhyun’s tipsy, threading an arm around Zhou Mi’s middle as they stumble off the bus together and make their way to the apartment.
Zhou Mi’s so tired he almost drops his keys because it takes too much energy to hold onto them.
The first words Kyuhyun says after they manage to brush their teeth and struggle into something comfortable are these: “You said. No girls. You didn’t date girls.”
His eyes are glassy but he still manages to focus them enough to point an accusing finger into Zhou Mi’s face.
“I didn’t date girls,” Zhou Mi nods, and pushes Kyuhyun towards his bed. He didn’t mind a happily drunk Kyuhyun who had a few drinks too many because of good company.
“So does that mean you dated boys?”
Zhou Mi freezes, realizes that this would give him away, and so tries to act natural as he turns around. Kyuhyun doesn’t buy it.
“You did,” he accuses.
“Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi pronounces carefully.
“You like men.”
“I--” Zhou Mi begins, and then pauses. If he wants Kyuhyun to be honest with him, the least he can do is be honest back, even if it means Kyuhyun shuns him and tells the whole world. He’s dealt with mass amounts of people hating him before and he thinks he can do it again if he really must.
“Yes,” Zhou Mi says, “I like men. But I didn’t date anyone. Get in bed.”
His arm is grabbed and he’s spun around, Kyuhyun scrutinizing him closely. It takes all of Zhou Mi’s will power to not follow Kyuhyun’s eyes and see which parts of him he’s looking at. “You like men,” Kyuhyun says again, almost as if he doesn’t believe it. “You tell me you like men and then just expect me to get into bed and fall asleep?”
“Can we not talk about it? If you want to move out, that’s fine. Sungmin will take you in now that you’re lucid most of the day. You can call him tomorrow. Just.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to move out,” Kyuhyun tells him and Zhou Mi blinks because Kyuhyun is actually moving closer to him and he can’t think about it too hard, can’t hope or wish or dream for fear that it’s not true.
“I,” Zhou Mi says, but stops as Kyuhyun finally meets his eyes.
“All this time,” he whispers, and he sounds disbelieving, “All this time.”
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi warns, though of what he doesn’t know. Lies, pretenses, friendships, maybe other things neither of them want to acknowledge.
“How did you do it?” Kyuhyun is earnest.
“What?”
“How did you survive in this industry with all these pretty males with sexy abs and thrusting hips? How did you do it?”
An inner voice Zhou Mi regards with mistrust tells him to be honest. “With great difficulty,” he finally says, “And lots of long showers. And you.”
“Me?” Kyuhyun asks, and he’s still moving closer, and it’s beginning to make thinking difficult.
“I,” Zhou Mi stumbles, “Thinking of you helped. Not like, I mean, yes like, but.”
He knows it makes no sense but clearly the old Kyuhyun is still in there somewhere because he looks at Zhou Mi like he knows exactly what he means. Which is funny, because Zhou Mi himself has no idea.
“Hanging around you made it easier,” Zhou Mi finally says, “You were a good friend, Kui Xian.” In a moment of weakness, Zhou Mi grabs for Kyuhyun’s hand and holds it, whispering, “I miss you.”
It’s desperate and he’s pleading but he doesn’t care. It’s the truth. “If you don’t want to talk to me about the army, fine. But I have to tell you -- our frustration isn’t born out of the fact that we can’t be there for you, it’s that you aren’t there for us. We’re selfish, Kui Xian, so, so selfish. We want you. I want you.”
His arms make their way around Kyuhyun’s back and they thud against a wall, Kyuhyun’s hands gripping the sweater at Zhou Mi’s arms and his head finding the crook of his neck.
Zhou Mi’s heart almost bursts from him as he breathes Kyuhyun in.
And they shake, Zhou Mi as he tries to breathe, Kyuhyun as he tries not to cry. There’s something unspoken between them and Zhou Mi feels it in the way Kyuhyun’s hands pull at him like a cat clawing a blanket.
“Mi,” Kyuhyun whispers quietly.
He presses worms a thigh in between his knees. Zhou Mi feels sick for a second, and then breathes out hard as Kyuhyun reaches up to stroke his cheek before moving in swiftly and landing a kiss on Zhou Mi’s lips.
Zhou Mi freezes, but it’s only for a moment because Kyuhyun is licking at his mouth and Zhou Mi can’t do anything but groan and open up, kiss him back, let Kyuhyun grind against him, quick and dirty. He can feel Kyuhyun getting hard and he wants to stop, wants to tell Kyuhyun that this isn’t right, but he can’t. Because he wants this, has wanted it, and Zhou Mi can’t think beyond how good it feels.
Finally.
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi gasps against his ear, “You--just. Talk. We have to talk about--”
A hand wraps presses against the inseam of his pants and fiddles with his zipper, causing the rest of his sentence to end in a strangled moan.
“You want to know what happened?” Kyuhyun murmurs, “You want to know why I’m drunk all the time? Because of this.”
The zipper comes undone and Zhou Mi starts to shake. Kyuhyun kisses him and Zhou Mi loses himself in it. He loves Kyuhyun’s lips. Has loved them, has dreamt of them, but the reality -- he should have known the reality would be better. How could he have imagined something so perfect?
“What kind of talking did you have in mind? Can we compromise and just make loud noises?”
“Don’t tease,” Zhou Mi whispers.
It’s not the smartest idea ever. It’s probably cliche in some area of the world because obviously Kyuhyun has issues and Zhou Mi doesn’t know why he’s doing this, and they should really talk.
But he feels good. Kyuhyun feels so, so good, and Zhou Mi’s been waiting for months, for years to feel this alive, to feel Kyuhyun like this, and he struggles for a reason to turn away.
“Mimi,” Kyuhyun murmurs into his ear, with an hopeful slide of his hand, “Mimi, please.”
Once his brain gets past the fact that Kyuhyun is calling him Mimi again, Zhou Mi realizes that Kyuhyun knows what he’s doing. He knows and Zhou Mi doesn’t. He has no idea. He pulls away slightly, breathing hard and trying to control himself.
“Kui Xian. You have to tell me what happened.”
--
They somehow make it through dessert, though Kyuhyun doesn’t know how. They trip over themselves as they stumble towards the hotel, a little tipsy on wine, more than a little drunk on themselves and the sensations still thundering through their veins, the tingling of their fingers weaved together.
Kyuhyun presses up against a wall, almost sick with satisfaction, to kiss him, pulling his mask down, hiding in an alley because he doesn’t think he’ll last another minute without the feel of Jaewha against him.
“One more block,” Jaewha coaxes, “Then you can be all over me.”
“Want you now,” Kyuhyun murmurs.
“Soon,” Jaewha promises, but he clearly has no intention of stopping Kyuhyun’s lips.
Kyuhyun is totally okay with that, at least, until he hears an audible gasp from behind them. He’s stopped from turning around and Jaewha pulls his face mask back up. “Run,” he whispers. Hands grasped, Kyuhyun doesn’t even think and they take off down the alleyway, plastic shopping bag swinging vigorously.
His stomach plunges when he hears the voice of their commander shouting Jaewha’s name behind them and the only thing Kyuhyun can do is run faster.
--
Zhou Mi does not like to see Kyuhyun undone like this, does not like to see him curled in on himself so tight he can barely breathe. Even Zhou Mi’s fingers running the length of his spine doesn’t seem to calm him.
“So you met someone,” he presses softly, “In the army.”
Kyuhyun hugs his knees closer.
“Did he -- you did stuff? You. Dated?”
“Yeah. You met him. The one I took to have dinner with you and Sungmin. Before.”
Before you stopped talking to me, Zhou Mi fills in the blank. He only vaguely recalls Kyuhyun’s friend. “Oh,” he he says, unable to find other words.
Comfort is something Zhou Mi is generally good at. It’s okay, Donghae, I’m sure she knows you didn’t mean to burn the rice. Ooh, yes, Sungmin, that’s a great color, I know he’ll love it. Siwon, you know how Heechul is, I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that. But this seemed a little bit too big for Zhou Mi’s smiles and hugs and words of encouragement.
“Was he good to you?” Zhou Mi asks, afraid of the answer, “What is he like? I can barely remember.”
“He’s,” Kyuhyun starts, “He was -- amazing. He was. Like you. Almost exactly.”
“I always wanted a twin.”
Apparently it’s the wrong thing to say. Kyuhyun clamps his lips shut and tears start rolling down his cheeks.
“Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi murmurs, and finally gives in. He spoons Kyuhyun, his arms resting snug against him like they always have. Hopefully like they always will, so long as he doesn’t screw this up.
“Did he break your heart? I’ll punch him for you, if I have to. Or. Get Youngwoon to do it. Discreetly, of course.”
Kyuhyun turns around, pressing into Zhou Mi’s chest and suddenly Zhou Mi can’t breathe either and his eyes are welling with tears as Kyuhyun whispers, “He’s no where you’ll be able to reach.”
--
Roads are tricky things, potholes even more so, and Kyuhyun goes down swearing as his foot gets caught in one. He knows immediately that he’s sprained it, and he grits his teeth as the shouting gets louder. Damn their commander for being so fucking quick on his feet. Damn the car accident for making it hard for Kyuhyun to move. Damn life in general.
Jaewha hauls Kyuhyun up and then over his shoulder. Kyuhyun knows it’s coming but he can’t stop it, training having made Jaewha much stronger than Kyuhyun could ever be. He’s deposited into a dumpster. He’s gasping for air as Jaewha kisses him - slowly, sweetly - and then says, “I love you, Cho Kyuhyun.”
And then the lid shuts, and Kyuhyun peeks out in time to see the commander round a corner and hurl himself into Jaewha.
And then there’s a gun. It glints in the moonlight, and Kyuhyun thinks no, thinks NO, tries to scream it, but he can’t. His mouth is open and he strains his vocal cords, squeezes his diaphragm, but there is no sound, not even a breath that will escape him. The commander makes Jaewha kneel, makes him beg, makes him confess with a gun pressed heavy to his temple.
And then there’s a shot. It’s deafening, and Kyuhyun can’t hear as the world is washed in red, and it’s not until the commander is gone, and Jaewha is lying face first on the road, that Kyuhyun can scream.
--
There’s a sort of heartbreak that you can only deal with after you’ve cried your heart out. Suddenly, all the drinking, all the screaming, all the smoking makes perfect sense and Zhou Mi feels his anger and resentment drain out of him like blood.
He feels pale.
He leaves Kyuhyun for a moment and goes to fetch Kyuhyun’s one bottle of wine and this time brings two glasses to go with it instead of one. Kyuhyun gives him very suspicious look, but doesn’t say anything, allowing Zhou Mi to pour for both of them and they sit, sides pressed together, resting their backs on the headboard.
“I don’t even know what to tell you.”
“No one ever does,” Kyuhyun says, and his head lolls to the side, his temple pressing into Zhou Mi’s bony shoulder. “Sungmin was good about because he didn’t really say much at all after his first lecture on how none of this is my fault.”
“It isn’t,” Zhou Mi says.
“I fell in love with him,” Kyuhyun whispers, “That makes it my fault.”
“Do you think love is something you can help?”
“I think it’s something we choose.”
“Perhaps in part,” Zhou Mi allows, “But there’s some force at work that has us meet people, some force at work that created us to feel, to think, to love. Kui Xian, there must be some small part of you that believes in destiny.”
“You sound like the sort of person that writes really sappy lyrics.”
They trade punches for awhile, laughing at each other before Kyuhyun sighs forlornly and says, “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Do what?”
Kyuhyun turns to him, wine glass set on a bedside table, eyes serious and dark. “Love again,” he says simply.
Despair is a good word for the feeling that crawls up Zhou Mi’s spine, but he thinks he does a good job of not showing it.
“Well,” he says, refilling his glass, “You’re in good company, then.”
They sit in silence for awhile before Kyuhyun whispers, “Our fans always made it sound so easy.”
“Yeah, they did,” Zhou Mi shifts, and Kyuhyun’s head rests back on his shoulder.
There’s really nothing to say after that, so they drink together, each using the alcohol to burn away a piece of their heart.
--
Kyuhyun’s sure he smells like garbage, but he doesn’t care. He calls Sungmin anyway, and almost collapses with relief when the call is picked up.
They meet in a small back alley restaurant, and it only takes the sight of Sungmin’s concerned expression for Kyuhyun to break down into tears all over again. Sungmin has only ever cared for Kyuhyun and it’s especially evident now as he wraps his arms around Kyuhyun and holds him tight, lets him soak an favorite pink t-shirt with tears and snot and drool. It’s a good ten minutes before Kyuhyun can focus enough to move and Sungmin sits him down at a table, thanking the ahjumma that brings them warm tea, and rubs his hand up and down Kyuhyun’s spine.
He listens as Kyuhyun tells him everything. He starts with Jaewha’s smile and the way it made him feel. He talks about their kiss, their dates, their fooling around, how he wants -- wanted -- Jaewha so much. And then Kyuhyun talks about Zhou Mi, about how he loved Zhou Mi, about how he was so confused. Sungmin seems to not like this very much, but he still doesn’t say anything, just listens.
Any confusion he had harbored towards Kyuhyun’s breakdown disappears as Kyuhyun talks about their dinner and the walk to the hotel and then how he hadn’t been able to move as Jaewha’s life had bled out onto the tar.
“I can’t,” Kyuhyun says, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t. I should have stopped him, I should have said something. It’s all my fault.”
“That’s not your fault!” Sungmin says fiercely, “Kyuhyun, he saved your life. Do you honestly think you would have gotten away if he hadn’t put you in that dumpster?”
“I can’t. I can’t owe him that. I can’t. How am I supposed to pay him back?”
“By living,” Sungmin says.
Kyuhyun sort of wants to punch him.
--
Zhou Mi goes to Heechul.
“I love him,” he says.
Heechul orders another drink.
“You realize how problematic this is? Donghae might be my favorite, but that doesn’t mean I’ll spare you when it comes to Kyuhyun.”
“I wanted to woo him,” Zhou Mi lets his head fall to the tabletop, and his cheek sticks uncomfortably. He sighs, too heartbroken to care. “I was planning expensive wine and star gazing and rooftop dates. I wanted to be mushy and kiss while lying on a blanket. I wanted to dance with him. I wanted--love. But he doesn’t want that anymore.”
Heechul’s drink arrives and they wait until the ahjumma walks away.
“This is quite possibly the most irritating discussion I’ve ever had. Already. Just because he says he doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean that someday he won’t. God. Look at Siwon and I. Years wasted because he couldn’t say I love you.”
“I thought that was because you didn’t believe in God?”
“Excuse me?” Heechul asks sharply, and Zhou Mi huffs a sigh.
“Hyung, I just. I want to fix him.”
“Well you’ll just have to wait, won’t you? Do you want to date a broken man?”
His breath starts to make the tabletop tacky and he finally pulls away, frowning forlornly into his glass of water. “I want my Kui Xian back.”
“I know,” Heechul says, and it’s surprisingly soft for someone whose voice usually grates. “And eventually you will. But Zhou Mi. Seeing someone you love murdered in front of you is damaging, I don’t care who you are.”
And Zhou Mi knows that, he really does. He just hates seeing people he loves in pain.
“If you watched Kyuhyun get shot in front of you, do you think you could just turn around and love someone else?”
Zhou Mi forces himself to not think about that for too long. “Of course not.”
“Okay, then,” Heechul says, and pours him more soju. “Now drink. It’s not natural for you to frown. I don’t like it.”
--
Their commander gets away with it. Kyuhyun seethes, but he keeps quiet. He is called in, because someone had seen them together that evening, but Kyuhyun denies it and then offers Sungmin as a witness and so the entire situation is put to rest the second Kyuhyun shuts the office door.
For the army, anyway.
Kyuhyun always has nightmares. Nightmares that begin with blood dripping everywhere and end with screaming. He dreams about busting out of the dumpster to save Jaewha’s life and about dying in Jaewha’s place. Every one is tortuous.
Sungmin wants him to talk to a councilor, someone who will help him, but Kyuhyun refuses. He’s not ready to tell people yet, not ready to announce to the world that he likes men and his sexual preference got someone he loves killed.
“You don’t have to tell everyone,” Sungmin tries to say, but Kyuhyun ignores him. He’d find something to act as a refuge for him, something that wouldn’t spill his secrets for a couple thousand won.
The day he’s released he can’t look at Zhou Mi, at least for extended periods of time. He doesn’t need to be feeling anything remotely related to attraction and the only reason he even greets Zhou Mi is because of all the cameras.
Also, Sungmin is prodding him in the back hard and Kyuhyun has never been one for pain.
So he sweeps by after nodding his head and squishes into the van between Sungmin and Ryeowook, intent on ignoring Zhou Mi for the rest of his life.
--
Kyuhyun doesn’t exactly ignore Zhou Mi after he confesses everything, but it’s not exactly the same either. Not that Zhou Mi is about to complain.
Days pass, then weeks, and it’s finally a month of hardly any alcohol, no tantrums, and no cigarettes. He starts to sing again, even if it’s only when he thinks no one can hear him, and Zhou Mi contemplates kicking him out of the apartment, just to see if Kyuhyun can live on his own.
Sungmin beams whenever he comes to visit and it isn’t long before other band members come by. Jungsu sobs all over Zhou Mi when he thinks Kyuhyun isn’t looking (he is, and he’s making rude faces at him behind his back,) and thanks Zhou Mi for taking care of Kyuhyun for him. It’s all very embarrassing, but Zhou Mi bears it well, thinking that maybe someday, when they can all laugh about this, it’ll be good blackmail material. The sly grin on Kyuhyun’s face tells Zhou Mi he isn’t the only one thinking this.
Heechul’s visit is, of course, filled with suggestive eyebrow raising that Zhou Mi studiously ignores because he hasn’t talked with Kyuhyun about that thing (involving lips and hands and lots of pheromones) that had happened over a month ago. Clearly, Heechul disapproves, and Zhou Mi has to sit through dinner while both Heechul and Siwon frown at him.
“Since when,” Zhou Mi hisses at Heechul who had volunteered himself to observe Zhou Mi as he did the dishes, “Have you become the freaking parental units of this band?”
“Since Jungsu and Kangin have been too busy and too fed up with the world to care,” Heechul says. “Actually that’s a lie. Jungsu told me not to get involved but when have I ever listened? Siwon and I thought it best we did something about this mess.”
“It’s not a mess,” Zhou Mi says, debating on whether or not he flick soapy water all over Heechul face.
He almost does, but then Siwon walks in and Zhou Mi decides it’s better to just keep his hands where they belong. They leave shortly after, and Zhou Mi realizes then, that Siwon had said something to Kyuhyun because for the rest of their night, Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him.
Zhou Mi gets ready for bed debating whether he should say something, or ask if everything is alright, but Kyuhyun looks deep in thought, so he leaves it. “I’m going to bed.”
“Okay,” Kyuhyun says, without looking up from his computer.
“Sleep good,” Zhou Mi says, and then decides to just walk away. Better to leave before he’s hurt about Kyuhyun not giving him a response.
He’s about to fall asleep, when a sliver of light creeps across the floor. He blinks blearily, upset because he knows he shut the door properly, but the feeling fades as Kyuhyun’s silhouette slips into the room.
“Kui Xian?”
The bed dips and Zhou Mi holds his breath as Kyuhyun slides in beside him, laying on his back, pulling the blankets up and over his nose. His eyes stare blankly at the ceiling.
“I’m not ready.”
Zhou Mi settles on one elbow and looks down. “For what?”
“It’s nothing against you. I’m just not ready.”
Seconds pass before Zhou Mi’s brain fills in the blanks. He’s not ready to love.
“I know.”
“And I don’t regret him,” Kyuhyun continues, “I love him, Mi. I really--I can’t forget that.”
Zhou Mi fits his arm underneath Kyuhyun’s neck, presses his forehead to his temple and tries not to cry. “You shouldn’t ever.”
An hand pulls at his arm and Zhou Mi breathes Kyuhyun in as he lets himself be wrapped in gangly limbs. “I really did miss you. As a friend.”
You should have talked to me, is what Zhou Mi wants to say, but he’s sure if he opens his mouth, he’ll sob. So he stays silent, listening as Kyuhyun tells him I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a jerk, I’m sorry I ruined your life, I’m sorry I can’t love you.
The last one is particularly hard on his heart. He really had wanted romance.
“It’s,” he hears himself say, “It’s okay.”
And once he says it, he realizes that actually, it is. It is okay.
He loves Kyuhyun. His Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun who loves wine and games and singing. Kyuhyun who makes fun of everyone, regardless of age, and Kyuhyun who likes to pretend that he can dance.
Kyuhyun doesn’t have to love Zhou Mi back for him to be all of that.
“I missed you as a friend,” Zhou Mi whispers, “I’m happy with you being just that.”
For now, anyway, Zhou Mi thinks, as Kyuhyun laughs and smiles and turns into him, holding on for dear life.
They can do wine and stargazing and dancing and romance another day. Maybe when Kyuhyun’s ready.
Maybe tomorrow.
Poll Round 7: this is the way that we love