Round 3: searching for missing things
Title: searching for missing things
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: miss A
Pairing: gen, slight!Suzy/Wooyoung
Summary: Eight years later, Suzy tries to uncover the real reasons behind their disbandment.
Author's Note: much thanks to the lovely teammate who thoroughly beta-ed this ♥
Warnings: Character Death.
Prompt Used: Infinite - Before The Dawn
Suzy opens the door to her apartment, only to be greeted by darkness and silence. She sighs as she enters the room, not bothering to turn the lights on, feeling the darkness envelope her body and seep into her skin. Living alone means that every single thing in this apartment is going to stay exactly as she left it this morning. Living alone means that she will never have to search for missing things, because she knows exactly where things are placed, or so she thought.
If there is anything Suzy is most scared of, it is losing things.
This is why she could never get used to the chaotic life of being a girlgroup member. Suzy hates how things got lost in between. Some days it's her good pair of stockings, or the snacks she has stashed away to get her through their relentless diets, or clothes that always get mixed up in the wash. On other days it's Fei's frown that Suzy sees from the corner of her eyes just before she's dragged in front of the camera and unable to do anything about it. Sometimes it's being clueless and losing herself outside of Min and Jia inside jokes and quiet giggles.
Now that she never has to look for misplaced things anymore, she actually misses that chaos that comes from living with her three unnies. It's ironic because when they first started she thought she never could get used to this: three girls whose personalities are so distinct that she thought they would never get along. But they did and somehow it's those distinctive personalities that bind them together.
After taking off her shoes and placing them on her shoe rack, she walks towards the big windows at the back of her apartment, leading into the balcony. Leaning against the cold surface, she stays silent as she watches the hustle bustle of the city below her. Since living alone, Suzy has a new routine to pass her free time: watching the world go by. Watching, as though she's an outsider that will never fit in into the equation of normalcy anymore. Alone, in the darkness, watching the lights dancing and flickering happily in people's eyes. Suzy wants the light back into her life, but she isn't quite sure how to accomplish that.
For years she lived with definite goals, with managers mapping out her schedule, with the monotony of vocal and dance practices, performances and variety show schedules, fanmeets and photoshoots. Now that everything is in the past, life is starting to feel so bland that even the memories of the chaos that comes from being a member of a successful girlgroup is starting to disappear from her life. It still feels bittersweet whenever she thinks of the times they huddled together after stepping off the stage, with bright smiles and warm hugs that seem to make even the coldest winter in miniskirts a breeze to endure.
It escapes her. How did she let herself be left alone in the dark for so long without knowing the real truth? Maybe it's because of the fact that she was naive enough to absorb the reasons of their disbandment without questioning its credibility. Maybe it's because deep down she thinks that everything would stay the same, and they would keep contact. Maybe it's because she didn't expect her three unnies to scatter away to the corners of the world as fast as the official disbandment came through.
Sometimes Suzy wonders what happened to them, and she wonders why they haven't been contacting her at all. Afterall, just because they are no longer fellow members, doesn't mean that they are no longer friends right? It makes her think that everything isn't as simple as they make it out to be.
She voiced her opinion to Taecyeon once, but his lips had curved into a small knowing smile and he reassured her that she was just thinking too much. Which makes her think that maybe -- maybe he's right, and she's just thinking too much, that she's creating scenarios in her head just because she hates losing things. They are much more precious than mere things, and maybe this is the reason why her heart still feels hollow.
Maybe it's because Suzy is still hopeful that one day it will come: a phone call, a text message, or an email. Which is why Suzy never changes her number, and keeps her old email just in case, just in case they contact her. But it's been eight years, eight long years of wondering, of waiting for calls that never come.
Suzy isn't quite sure what she is looking for now, forgotten memories, lost time, or just that certain feeling of belonging somewhere. But she knows that eight years is enough time waiting. She has to find out the real truth now, and no one is going to shield it away from her anymore.
All these years she's been trying to ask people in JYP Entertainment but no one seemed to have the slightest idea, or everyone is competently hiding it.
Everyone except for Wooyoung.
There's this flicker in his eyes that gets more and more uncertain whenever Suzy brings up her questions about the disbandment. Sometimes Suzy can feel the conflict in him, and she can only guess that like many of them, he is trying to protect her from whatever truth they are hiding. Suzy has learned not to question what is given to her, that everyone has her best interests at heart and for whatever reason, it's always for her own good.
But she isn't the little red riding hood, and even if she is, she know now that she has to go out there and fight the big bad wolf by herself. She is not a kid anymore, and being twenty five right now, she thinks that she is mature enough to handle the truth. So she calls Wooyoung and decides that she’s going to find out what is happening, and this time, she is not going to back out.
Suzy isn't sure what she should be expecting out of this, a lengthy explanation, an apology or maybe just a warm hug and a whispered, "We miss you too".
-
When she arrives at the cafe, a familiar shadow is already sitting down at their usual corner. Suzy keeps her eyes on Wooyoung as she walks past tables filled with people chattering and she pulls the cap on her head even lower. She watches him drumming his finger on the table absentmindedly, lightly humming a song only he could hear. Suzy slides into the booth and Wooyoung looks up to meet her gaze.
"Hey" he says lazily, a small smile curling up on the edges of his lips. "Aren't you even going to apologize for your tardiness?"
She watches silently as his mouth starts moving again, but she isn't registering any of the words he says to her. She doesn't know why it takes her that long to realize the changes in him, in them. His round soft cheeks are now replaced by defined jaw lines, his skin is so much darker compared to their idol days, but his eyes, Suzy muses, they seems livelier than ever.
“You've been staring at me for a while now, is there something on your mind?” he asks her, leaning forward, his hands waving in front of her face in an attempt to break her stare. She stays still as she watches his brows slowly knit together, his concern slowly becoming apparent. Wooyoung has always seems cold and uninviting to others, sarcastic and snarky and distant, but Suzy knows that it is because he reserves his innermost thoughts and worries for those he really cares about. Now that he doesn't have five other guys to take care of, Suzy wonders if he ever misses those days.
“Oppa, are you happy right now?” she asks, and he gives her a questioning stare, eyebrows rising upwards naturally.
“That's a weird question to ask suddenly, but yes, I’m happy” He says, a fond smile growing on his face, eyes trailing off to the view outside of the window.
“Even when you’re not standing on stage? Don’t you ever miss those days? Don't you ever miss-” she stops midway to catch the look in his eyes. When he looks back at her, he lets out a chuckle, the amusement in his voice dancing in the air around them.
“I do, but I am too old for this idol stuff. Apparently 2PM isn’t the hottest time of the day anymore." He chuckles at his own joke before continuing, "Besides, after all those idol years I've realized that my happiness isn't necessarily being on stage. It's dancing. Life is so much better now. I don't have to run around fulfilling crazy schedules or sleep only three hours per day. I finally have a say in what I'm wearing and what song I sing or even my hairstyle."
The ease in Wooyoung's voice amazes Suzy. She would have thought that Wooyoung misses the thrill of being on stage, having thousands of people chanting his name, but now he seems unfazed by it all, like their idol life is just a phase in the past that you're just meant to smile and be fond of, and then completely let go for a better life. Suzy isn't ready to let go yet, not when there are still so many memories she is trying to hold onto so they don't fade away into oblivion.
"Don't you miss... them?" she asks carefully.
"That's probably what I miss the most. I miss being annoyed at Taec, miss having my food stolen by Chansung,I miss..." he trails off, his eyes hazy and staring into nothing. Suzy knows that he must be reminiscing.
She grows quiet, and as the sound of Wooyoung's voice drones on, her mind starts to wander to the things she misses: the sound of Min's boisterous laughter and the smell Fei's cooking and the twinkle of mischief in Jia's eyes, and then she realises that at the end of the day, she misses the company more than the moments. She might forget half of their choreography, their presents, or what day they won their first award, but she will never forget the shine in Min's eyes on stage, or the happiness when they surprised her for her birthdays amidst of their heavy schedules, or the warmth of the tears that was streaming down her face after they won their first award.
"Is there something weighing your mind? You've been asking weird questions." Wooyoung's voice breaks off Suzy's thoughts, and she is once again reminded of what she came here to do.
"Well, I've been thinking about my disbandment..." The moment she finishes her sentence, she catches the look of disapproval in Wooyoung's eyes.
"Didn't I tell you not to think about it anymore?" He asks, tone suddenly firm and uncompromising.
"But something isn't right, I've been thinking and nothing made sense. Would you help me try to find out what actually happened?"
"Suji-yah. Whatever happened, happened, alright? You just have to learn to let go and realize that people do move on. It's the same as us now. Chansung modeling all over the world and Junsu-hyung being a composer: it doesn't matter what they are doing, as long as they're happy. It's the same with you girls, it's just that your unnies happen to move on faster than you did. Let it go, there's no point dwelling in the past. I would think that eight years is enough time to get over all that." The words escape his lips so smoothly that it feels rehearsed in Suzy's ears. Everytime she asks him about this subject, he would always say the same thing, but this time it's about to change, and Suzy is determined to find out the real truth.
"No, it's not like that. The more I think of it, the more nothing makes sense. Why did Fei and Jia unnie decide to cancel their contract at the same time?"
"They had offers from a company over in China, didn't they?"
"And then we never even heard news about them after the disbandment?"
"Weren't there rumours going around that their contract cancellation with our company put them in a bad light with the public and other entertainment companies?"
"My unnies are not that reckless enough to do something this big without thinking. Cancelling a contract that took them years to secure, that in itself needs rethinking at least ten times. They withdrew their contract when we were at the height of our popularity which also doesn't make sense." She watches as he scrambles to find something to say and in the end he gives up arguing and settles on trying to talk her out of it instead.
"Suji-yah," he starts off, but Suzy knows better than to listen to him and his reasons. She had always fallen for his logic in the past, but this is about to change.
"Oppa, I'm not a child anymore, I know something is wrong, and this time, I'm going to uncover it. If you don't want to help me, then that's fine. I just thought you out of all people would actually be willing" She stands up and turns to leave; Wooyoung sighs and stands up with her.
"Okay, I think its time for you to know the truth. I think you're mature enough to know it"
"So you know what is actually happening?"
"Yes and No, Chansung blurts out things sometimes" he starts off, and she gives him a look and he continues, "Well, he kept in touch with Jia"
"And you never tell me any of this?" Disbelief fills her voice, and Wooyoung tries his hardest to calm her down.
"Because I want you to stop pursuing this and move on with your life."
"I've moved on far enough, oppa. For eight years I never questioned anything. I regret now that I didn't try to find out the truth earlier. Maybe if I had, everything wouldn't have ended up this way."
"There has to be a good reason for them to keep this from you."
"Are you trying to discourage me from finding the truth?" she asks, her voice growing louder with every syllable.
Wooyoung sighs again.
"So are you helping me or not?" she asks. Finality in her words is obvious and Wooyoung can only sigh and give in.
"Stay here while I go outside and make a few phonecalls to make sure, okay?"
"Don't you dare run out on me." she threatens.
"I won't" he whispers, there's a promise in his words that Suzy holds onto wholeheartedly, because if she doesn't trust him, she doesn't know who else to trust.
Wooyoung walks off outside to make a phonecall, and Suzy watches through the glass windows as he paces the length of front of the restaurant. Even with the darkness shadowing his face, she can clearly see that his face is growing more and more frustrated. After he finishes with his phonecall, he doesn't immediately come back inside, but lingers around the front of the restaurant for a while. Suzy watches as he breathes out puffs of air into the cold night. He rubs his face roughly and messes his hair, clearly distraught about something.
When he finally enters the restaurant again, his face is unreadable and Suzy feels her heart constrict, because whatever this is, it seems bad.
"So?"
"I know I said I will help you, but if I can say this for the last time: I really advise you to not pursue this."
"I told you that this time nothing can change my mind," she says in a stubborn tone, but immediately stops when he puts his hands over hers and talks as seriously as he ever had.
"Just listen to your oppa this time okay. Think over it again, and again. Think over it ten times if you have to. If you really want to pursue this, call me, I will accompany you there." He takes his hand off hers, and she can already feel the coldness of the room seeping through her palms. She finds a paper on the table where her hand had been at a few seconds ago, and scribbled neatly onto it, is an address.
An address.
-
After a few days of thinking, Suzy decides that this time she is going to prove that she is strong enough to face this alone. If she isn't able to do this by herself, then she will be forever plagued with the thought that she isn't strong enough.
So Suzy breathes in more air than necessary to brace for what is to come and opens her eyes.
No, this can't be happening.
"Are you sure this is the right place?" she asks the taxi driver nervously, praying that he will laugh it off and say that he made a mistake.
"Yes, this is the right place. It's that building over there," he answers, handing her the piece of paper with the address back into her hands.
She exits the taxi and walks off slowly, her feet feel heavier than lead. She can't believe this is happening, that this might be the big secret that they tried to keep from her. She feels tears pricking on the back of her eyes, each step are heavier than the last. Bracing herself, she finds herself chanting "you're strong enough" in the back of her head constantly like a mantra.
Her fears are confirmed once she enters the building. The lovely lady in the receptionist desk asks her who she is here to see, and Suzy is in such shock that she is unable to say anything and just hands her the paper with the address, now crumpled as she has unknowingly crushed it inside of her clenched fist.
"Follow me," the lady says, as she goes around the receptionist counter and walks off to the corridor in front of them.
"You're strong enough," she says to herself one last time, before she walks off to follow the receptionist.
The lady escorted her to the right section and hands the crumpled paper back to her. She smiles warmly before walking off to give Suzy some time alone.
Suzy tries to look everywhere but in front of her. She looks up to scrutiny the patterned ceiling, to the walls lined up with glass panels, and to the rows and rows of drawers filled with pictures, personal belongings and urns. Her gaze finally falls into the floor, together with a single tear drop, which acts as a floodgate for more tears to follow.
"Unnie, when we said our goodbyes last time, I wasn't expecting to see you like this" Suzy starts off, still refusing to look into the truth in front of her.
"This isn't fair" she whispers, leaning onto the only thing separating them: cold glass. It seeps through her skin as she traces the words engraved onto the panel.
Lee Min Young.
-
Wooyoung is in the process of choreographing for his newest piece when his phone shrills from the depths of his backpack. he stops and walks off to pick it up.
"Hello?"
The line is quiet, and Wooyoung is about to hang up thinking it's an accidental phonecall, when his ears catch a sniffle from the other side of the line.
"Suji?" he repeats, a bad feeling is crawling into his stomach.
"Oppa, you were right, I shouldn't have pursued this." she says, as she tries to repress her sobs.
Wooyoung sighs over the phone. He should've known better than to leave the address with her. The sniffles on the other side are becoming louder and it only confrims his suspicions.
"Don't tell me you went there alone."
She keeps quiet and all Wooyoung can hear is her uneven breathing.
"Stay there and I'll come get you," he says quickly before hanging up the phone and snatching his car keys from the table, thoughts of anything else long forgotten.
-
The way home is quiet and the only sound around them is the hum of the car engine. Suddenly the distance between both of them feels so jarring. Wooyoung tries to give the girl beside him the space she needs to think, while he tries to focus on the steering wheel and the expanse of the road in front of them.
Suzy watches the trees on the side of the road with feigned interest, her head resting on the car window, her mind running through a million thoughts per second.
"This is isn't fair" she whispers, quietly but Wooyoung hears it all the same.
"This is why I didn't want to tell you," he mutters, and watches his words sizzle into silence. It hangs thick between them like a cloud of thick smoke that only dissipates when she speaks out, her tone changes and Wooyoung could clearly hear the determination in her voice.
"I need to get down to the root of this once and for all. I need to know what caused her death. I need to know the full story."
Wooyoung sighs at Suzy's newfound determination. He knows that this was going to be a long ride.
"Will you help me oppa?"
When she asks him of that, he knows he can't refuse.
-
Suzy is not fond of waiting, no one is, but especially not now. Waiting is really nerve-wrecking when you have eight years of questions to ask and eight years of pent up frustrations because you were kept in the dark. Suzy tries to tells herself that she has waited years for this day to come so what is a few more minutes of waiting? But still, she can't keep still, eyes transfixed onto her mobile phone on top of the table.
She had flown over to China for this to work, and trusted Wooyoung fully when he said that he had set up everything for her via Chansung.
The first few requests to see Jia and Fei are completely disregarded, so Suzy beg Chansung to let her crash one of his lunch appointments with them. It's the only way it could work, and while Chansung initially disagrees with this, Suzy successfully convinces him that one chance is all she needs, and then she will put everything at rest and won't ever try to contact them again if that is their wish.
When she arrives into the restaurant in downtown Shanghai, the door chime jingles as she enters, and Suzy braces herself for what is to come. She sees their back views, and recognizes them immediately. Even after so many years, she could recognise them anywhere: the charm Fei exudes as she sits up straight and the power packed tight in Jia's skinny frame cannot be confused with anyone else.
Suzy stands in front of the door to commit those images to her mind, just in case this is the last time she will ever see them.
She walks in and approaches them slowly, watching their eyes light up in shock as their eyes catch hers.
"I know everything." She says quickly, Fei and Jia both looks at each other trying to comprehend what she just said. Their eyes dart from her to Chansung, asking for explanation.
"I know she's not around anymore," Suzy says quietly, trying to swallow the bitter aftertaste of her own words.
Jia's gaze snaps to Chansung with disbelief.
"When Wooyoung asked me, I didn't know that he was going to tell her!" Chansung says. He immediately adds that they should have their own privacy and goes to wait for them at the coffee shop next door.
"Why did it end like this?" Suzy asks.
They look at each other, hesitant to say any words at all.
"Unnie, you've protected me enough, now I need to know what really happened."
Sighing, Jia looks at Fei, who gives her a slight nod of approval.
"She was really sick, the doctors only gave her around two years to live, and if she tires herself then it could be as short as half a year." Jia starts off and her eyes slowly turn hazy as the memory of Min resurfaces in her mind.
"That time she fainted wasn't because of just fatigue" Suzy mutters to herself as Jia and Fei both nods their head.
"She wouldn't rest and said that even if she has to die while performing, then so be it. We couldn't let that happen to her and so we lied about getting a contract from a Chinese company, cancelled our contract with JYPE, and made them mad enough to disband us. That was the only thing we could think to do for her."
"We were young and we weren't thinking about the consequences of what all this could bring us. All we could think about is that we could not let Min tire herself out. You know how full Min's schedules were. In the end, it cost us our fame, but it was worth it."
When Fei ends, Suzy feels tears spilling out of her eyes and down onto her cheeks.
She sits back onto her chair and tries to comprehend what all this means. The two women in front of her have sacrificed their fame for Min, and now she feels really undeserving and small. Why don't they think that she is capable of handling the truth? Why don't they think that she is strong enough to sacrifice herself like they had?
"Why don't you guys ever call me then? Even if you guys are deadset on not wanting me to know about this whole thing, you could at least still talk to me. I wondered for years if there was anything that I did wrong." Suzy wipes the tears away from her cheeks, but it is futile because the tears just don't stop.
"Because I thought I would cry if i ever called you. We felt so guilty keeping things from you, but Min didn't want you to know at all. She didn't want to bring you down knowing that you could do so much better if you didn't know at all." Fei reaches for Suzy's hand and puts her hand gently over hers, her eyes brimming with tears.
"If we look at you now: actress, model, singer, and then look at us: brushed under the carpet, forgotten and irrelevant, she was right. We never understood why Min decided to keep this from you either, but now we do ." Jia continues as Fei becomes tongue-tied and just agrees to what Jia said.
"Why didn't you ever try to come back to stage?" Suzy asks.
"I did. Remember five years ago when I tried to get into the variety world again?" Jia asks.
"Yes, you were on shows for a few months then you were gone again. I only knew a few months later and it was by accident because I overheard Lim telling others about you. I was wondering why you didn't even call or visit me."
"You know why it only lasted for half a year? I couldn't stand it, standing on the stage when all I could think of was Min. Everything reminded me of her. It felt so wrong to be standing on a stage where Min trained the longest out of all of us and only had a few short years of fame before that sickness prevented her from performing. Before we-" Jia pauses, her eyes shifts to look at Fei's.
"Before we have to stop her from performing."
"I--I had no idea how hard it was for you both, I thought it was hard for me, I had no idea." Suzy mumbles, lost in the thoughts of what they had been through.
Fei reaches forward and wipes Suzy's tears with her thumb.
"Hush now, I don't think Min would like to see us sobbing for her like this" she says, her voice gentle and Suzy is immediately reminded of how Fei used to comfort her in the past.
"Now that you know what happened, let's just live everyday for Min," Fei continues, smiling gently.
As Suzy returns the smile, she thinks that after all the guessing games, horrible surprises and spilled tears, it's good that there is finally something worth smiling about.
-
The next time Suzy stands up on stage, it's with a different purpose.
Now she knows that everything is better when she was still in the dark, when she was still protected by the darkness that surrounds her.
Darkness can make you feel cold and alone, but it protects you. Darkness lets you hide your faults, is welcoming of your imperfections and invites you right in. Darkness feels like lying under the sheets on an extremely cold day. Like being safe at home.
When they were still in a girl group, the best times were spent in darkness, behind the stage and away from scrutinizing eyes, where they would hug and whisper encouraging words to each other.
When the lights are turned on however, it's strictly business and it's every one for their own self. Light exposes you, leaves you naked and you put on show to be scrutinized. It exposes your faults, your hopes and fears. It burns your skin and worms its way in, whispering thoughts that you're not pretty enough, not talented enough, not special enough to deserve standing there.
Suzy knows now that she can never again stand on the stage and not think of Min. Everything about the stage oozes Min's presence, and if there's anyone that deserves being there more than all the three of them combined, it is Min.
However, instead of letting the thoughts of Min weigh her down into depression, Suzy tells herself that from now on, she would do this for Min, that if Min wasn't alive to do this, then Suzy will do this in honour of her.
Unnie, this is for you.
Poll Round 3: searching for missing things
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: miss A
Pairing: gen, slight!Suzy/Wooyoung
Summary: Eight years later, Suzy tries to uncover the real reasons behind their disbandment.
Author's Note: much thanks to the lovely teammate who thoroughly beta-ed this ♥
Warnings: Character Death.
Prompt Used: Infinite - Before The Dawn
Suzy opens the door to her apartment, only to be greeted by darkness and silence. She sighs as she enters the room, not bothering to turn the lights on, feeling the darkness envelope her body and seep into her skin. Living alone means that every single thing in this apartment is going to stay exactly as she left it this morning. Living alone means that she will never have to search for missing things, because she knows exactly where things are placed, or so she thought.
If there is anything Suzy is most scared of, it is losing things.
This is why she could never get used to the chaotic life of being a girlgroup member. Suzy hates how things got lost in between. Some days it's her good pair of stockings, or the snacks she has stashed away to get her through their relentless diets, or clothes that always get mixed up in the wash. On other days it's Fei's frown that Suzy sees from the corner of her eyes just before she's dragged in front of the camera and unable to do anything about it. Sometimes it's being clueless and losing herself outside of Min and Jia inside jokes and quiet giggles.
Now that she never has to look for misplaced things anymore, she actually misses that chaos that comes from living with her three unnies. It's ironic because when they first started she thought she never could get used to this: three girls whose personalities are so distinct that she thought they would never get along. But they did and somehow it's those distinctive personalities that bind them together.
After taking off her shoes and placing them on her shoe rack, she walks towards the big windows at the back of her apartment, leading into the balcony. Leaning against the cold surface, she stays silent as she watches the hustle bustle of the city below her. Since living alone, Suzy has a new routine to pass her free time: watching the world go by. Watching, as though she's an outsider that will never fit in into the equation of normalcy anymore. Alone, in the darkness, watching the lights dancing and flickering happily in people's eyes. Suzy wants the light back into her life, but she isn't quite sure how to accomplish that.
For years she lived with definite goals, with managers mapping out her schedule, with the monotony of vocal and dance practices, performances and variety show schedules, fanmeets and photoshoots. Now that everything is in the past, life is starting to feel so bland that even the memories of the chaos that comes from being a member of a successful girlgroup is starting to disappear from her life. It still feels bittersweet whenever she thinks of the times they huddled together after stepping off the stage, with bright smiles and warm hugs that seem to make even the coldest winter in miniskirts a breeze to endure.
It escapes her. How did she let herself be left alone in the dark for so long without knowing the real truth? Maybe it's because of the fact that she was naive enough to absorb the reasons of their disbandment without questioning its credibility. Maybe it's because deep down she thinks that everything would stay the same, and they would keep contact. Maybe it's because she didn't expect her three unnies to scatter away to the corners of the world as fast as the official disbandment came through.
Sometimes Suzy wonders what happened to them, and she wonders why they haven't been contacting her at all. Afterall, just because they are no longer fellow members, doesn't mean that they are no longer friends right? It makes her think that everything isn't as simple as they make it out to be.
She voiced her opinion to Taecyeon once, but his lips had curved into a small knowing smile and he reassured her that she was just thinking too much. Which makes her think that maybe -- maybe he's right, and she's just thinking too much, that she's creating scenarios in her head just because she hates losing things. They are much more precious than mere things, and maybe this is the reason why her heart still feels hollow.
Maybe it's because Suzy is still hopeful that one day it will come: a phone call, a text message, or an email. Which is why Suzy never changes her number, and keeps her old email just in case, just in case they contact her. But it's been eight years, eight long years of wondering, of waiting for calls that never come.
Suzy isn't quite sure what she is looking for now, forgotten memories, lost time, or just that certain feeling of belonging somewhere. But she knows that eight years is enough time waiting. She has to find out the real truth now, and no one is going to shield it away from her anymore.
All these years she's been trying to ask people in JYP Entertainment but no one seemed to have the slightest idea, or everyone is competently hiding it.
Everyone except for Wooyoung.
There's this flicker in his eyes that gets more and more uncertain whenever Suzy brings up her questions about the disbandment. Sometimes Suzy can feel the conflict in him, and she can only guess that like many of them, he is trying to protect her from whatever truth they are hiding. Suzy has learned not to question what is given to her, that everyone has her best interests at heart and for whatever reason, it's always for her own good.
But she isn't the little red riding hood, and even if she is, she know now that she has to go out there and fight the big bad wolf by herself. She is not a kid anymore, and being twenty five right now, she thinks that she is mature enough to handle the truth. So she calls Wooyoung and decides that she’s going to find out what is happening, and this time, she is not going to back out.
Suzy isn't sure what she should be expecting out of this, a lengthy explanation, an apology or maybe just a warm hug and a whispered, "We miss you too".
-
When she arrives at the cafe, a familiar shadow is already sitting down at their usual corner. Suzy keeps her eyes on Wooyoung as she walks past tables filled with people chattering and she pulls the cap on her head even lower. She watches him drumming his finger on the table absentmindedly, lightly humming a song only he could hear. Suzy slides into the booth and Wooyoung looks up to meet her gaze.
"Hey" he says lazily, a small smile curling up on the edges of his lips. "Aren't you even going to apologize for your tardiness?"
She watches silently as his mouth starts moving again, but she isn't registering any of the words he says to her. She doesn't know why it takes her that long to realize the changes in him, in them. His round soft cheeks are now replaced by defined jaw lines, his skin is so much darker compared to their idol days, but his eyes, Suzy muses, they seems livelier than ever.
“You've been staring at me for a while now, is there something on your mind?” he asks her, leaning forward, his hands waving in front of her face in an attempt to break her stare. She stays still as she watches his brows slowly knit together, his concern slowly becoming apparent. Wooyoung has always seems cold and uninviting to others, sarcastic and snarky and distant, but Suzy knows that it is because he reserves his innermost thoughts and worries for those he really cares about. Now that he doesn't have five other guys to take care of, Suzy wonders if he ever misses those days.
“Oppa, are you happy right now?” she asks, and he gives her a questioning stare, eyebrows rising upwards naturally.
“That's a weird question to ask suddenly, but yes, I’m happy” He says, a fond smile growing on his face, eyes trailing off to the view outside of the window.
“Even when you’re not standing on stage? Don’t you ever miss those days? Don't you ever miss-” she stops midway to catch the look in his eyes. When he looks back at her, he lets out a chuckle, the amusement in his voice dancing in the air around them.
“I do, but I am too old for this idol stuff. Apparently 2PM isn’t the hottest time of the day anymore." He chuckles at his own joke before continuing, "Besides, after all those idol years I've realized that my happiness isn't necessarily being on stage. It's dancing. Life is so much better now. I don't have to run around fulfilling crazy schedules or sleep only three hours per day. I finally have a say in what I'm wearing and what song I sing or even my hairstyle."
The ease in Wooyoung's voice amazes Suzy. She would have thought that Wooyoung misses the thrill of being on stage, having thousands of people chanting his name, but now he seems unfazed by it all, like their idol life is just a phase in the past that you're just meant to smile and be fond of, and then completely let go for a better life. Suzy isn't ready to let go yet, not when there are still so many memories she is trying to hold onto so they don't fade away into oblivion.
"Don't you miss... them?" she asks carefully.
"That's probably what I miss the most. I miss being annoyed at Taec, miss having my food stolen by Chansung,I miss..." he trails off, his eyes hazy and staring into nothing. Suzy knows that he must be reminiscing.
She grows quiet, and as the sound of Wooyoung's voice drones on, her mind starts to wander to the things she misses: the sound of Min's boisterous laughter and the smell Fei's cooking and the twinkle of mischief in Jia's eyes, and then she realises that at the end of the day, she misses the company more than the moments. She might forget half of their choreography, their presents, or what day they won their first award, but she will never forget the shine in Min's eyes on stage, or the happiness when they surprised her for her birthdays amidst of their heavy schedules, or the warmth of the tears that was streaming down her face after they won their first award.
"Is there something weighing your mind? You've been asking weird questions." Wooyoung's voice breaks off Suzy's thoughts, and she is once again reminded of what she came here to do.
"Well, I've been thinking about my disbandment..." The moment she finishes her sentence, she catches the look of disapproval in Wooyoung's eyes.
"Didn't I tell you not to think about it anymore?" He asks, tone suddenly firm and uncompromising.
"But something isn't right, I've been thinking and nothing made sense. Would you help me try to find out what actually happened?"
"Suji-yah. Whatever happened, happened, alright? You just have to learn to let go and realize that people do move on. It's the same as us now. Chansung modeling all over the world and Junsu-hyung being a composer: it doesn't matter what they are doing, as long as they're happy. It's the same with you girls, it's just that your unnies happen to move on faster than you did. Let it go, there's no point dwelling in the past. I would think that eight years is enough time to get over all that." The words escape his lips so smoothly that it feels rehearsed in Suzy's ears. Everytime she asks him about this subject, he would always say the same thing, but this time it's about to change, and Suzy is determined to find out the real truth.
"No, it's not like that. The more I think of it, the more nothing makes sense. Why did Fei and Jia unnie decide to cancel their contract at the same time?"
"They had offers from a company over in China, didn't they?"
"And then we never even heard news about them after the disbandment?"
"Weren't there rumours going around that their contract cancellation with our company put them in a bad light with the public and other entertainment companies?"
"My unnies are not that reckless enough to do something this big without thinking. Cancelling a contract that took them years to secure, that in itself needs rethinking at least ten times. They withdrew their contract when we were at the height of our popularity which also doesn't make sense." She watches as he scrambles to find something to say and in the end he gives up arguing and settles on trying to talk her out of it instead.
"Suji-yah," he starts off, but Suzy knows better than to listen to him and his reasons. She had always fallen for his logic in the past, but this is about to change.
"Oppa, I'm not a child anymore, I know something is wrong, and this time, I'm going to uncover it. If you don't want to help me, then that's fine. I just thought you out of all people would actually be willing" She stands up and turns to leave; Wooyoung sighs and stands up with her.
"Okay, I think its time for you to know the truth. I think you're mature enough to know it"
"So you know what is actually happening?"
"Yes and No, Chansung blurts out things sometimes" he starts off, and she gives him a look and he continues, "Well, he kept in touch with Jia"
"And you never tell me any of this?" Disbelief fills her voice, and Wooyoung tries his hardest to calm her down.
"Because I want you to stop pursuing this and move on with your life."
"I've moved on far enough, oppa. For eight years I never questioned anything. I regret now that I didn't try to find out the truth earlier. Maybe if I had, everything wouldn't have ended up this way."
"There has to be a good reason for them to keep this from you."
"Are you trying to discourage me from finding the truth?" she asks, her voice growing louder with every syllable.
Wooyoung sighs again.
"So are you helping me or not?" she asks. Finality in her words is obvious and Wooyoung can only sigh and give in.
"Stay here while I go outside and make a few phonecalls to make sure, okay?"
"Don't you dare run out on me." she threatens.
"I won't" he whispers, there's a promise in his words that Suzy holds onto wholeheartedly, because if she doesn't trust him, she doesn't know who else to trust.
Wooyoung walks off outside to make a phonecall, and Suzy watches through the glass windows as he paces the length of front of the restaurant. Even with the darkness shadowing his face, she can clearly see that his face is growing more and more frustrated. After he finishes with his phonecall, he doesn't immediately come back inside, but lingers around the front of the restaurant for a while. Suzy watches as he breathes out puffs of air into the cold night. He rubs his face roughly and messes his hair, clearly distraught about something.
When he finally enters the restaurant again, his face is unreadable and Suzy feels her heart constrict, because whatever this is, it seems bad.
"So?"
"I know I said I will help you, but if I can say this for the last time: I really advise you to not pursue this."
"I told you that this time nothing can change my mind," she says in a stubborn tone, but immediately stops when he puts his hands over hers and talks as seriously as he ever had.
"Just listen to your oppa this time okay. Think over it again, and again. Think over it ten times if you have to. If you really want to pursue this, call me, I will accompany you there." He takes his hand off hers, and she can already feel the coldness of the room seeping through her palms. She finds a paper on the table where her hand had been at a few seconds ago, and scribbled neatly onto it, is an address.
An address.
-
After a few days of thinking, Suzy decides that this time she is going to prove that she is strong enough to face this alone. If she isn't able to do this by herself, then she will be forever plagued with the thought that she isn't strong enough.
So Suzy breathes in more air than necessary to brace for what is to come and opens her eyes.
No, this can't be happening.
"Are you sure this is the right place?" she asks the taxi driver nervously, praying that he will laugh it off and say that he made a mistake.
"Yes, this is the right place. It's that building over there," he answers, handing her the piece of paper with the address back into her hands.
She exits the taxi and walks off slowly, her feet feel heavier than lead. She can't believe this is happening, that this might be the big secret that they tried to keep from her. She feels tears pricking on the back of her eyes, each step are heavier than the last. Bracing herself, she finds herself chanting "you're strong enough" in the back of her head constantly like a mantra.
Her fears are confirmed once she enters the building. The lovely lady in the receptionist desk asks her who she is here to see, and Suzy is in such shock that she is unable to say anything and just hands her the paper with the address, now crumpled as she has unknowingly crushed it inside of her clenched fist.
"Follow me," the lady says, as she goes around the receptionist counter and walks off to the corridor in front of them.
"You're strong enough," she says to herself one last time, before she walks off to follow the receptionist.
The lady escorted her to the right section and hands the crumpled paper back to her. She smiles warmly before walking off to give Suzy some time alone.
Suzy tries to look everywhere but in front of her. She looks up to scrutiny the patterned ceiling, to the walls lined up with glass panels, and to the rows and rows of drawers filled with pictures, personal belongings and urns. Her gaze finally falls into the floor, together with a single tear drop, which acts as a floodgate for more tears to follow.
"Unnie, when we said our goodbyes last time, I wasn't expecting to see you like this" Suzy starts off, still refusing to look into the truth in front of her.
"This isn't fair" she whispers, leaning onto the only thing separating them: cold glass. It seeps through her skin as she traces the words engraved onto the panel.
Lee Min Young.
-
Wooyoung is in the process of choreographing for his newest piece when his phone shrills from the depths of his backpack. he stops and walks off to pick it up.
"Hello?"
The line is quiet, and Wooyoung is about to hang up thinking it's an accidental phonecall, when his ears catch a sniffle from the other side of the line.
"Suji?" he repeats, a bad feeling is crawling into his stomach.
"Oppa, you were right, I shouldn't have pursued this." she says, as she tries to repress her sobs.
Wooyoung sighs over the phone. He should've known better than to leave the address with her. The sniffles on the other side are becoming louder and it only confrims his suspicions.
"Don't tell me you went there alone."
She keeps quiet and all Wooyoung can hear is her uneven breathing.
"Stay there and I'll come get you," he says quickly before hanging up the phone and snatching his car keys from the table, thoughts of anything else long forgotten.
-
The way home is quiet and the only sound around them is the hum of the car engine. Suddenly the distance between both of them feels so jarring. Wooyoung tries to give the girl beside him the space she needs to think, while he tries to focus on the steering wheel and the expanse of the road in front of them.
Suzy watches the trees on the side of the road with feigned interest, her head resting on the car window, her mind running through a million thoughts per second.
"This is isn't fair" she whispers, quietly but Wooyoung hears it all the same.
"This is why I didn't want to tell you," he mutters, and watches his words sizzle into silence. It hangs thick between them like a cloud of thick smoke that only dissipates when she speaks out, her tone changes and Wooyoung could clearly hear the determination in her voice.
"I need to get down to the root of this once and for all. I need to know what caused her death. I need to know the full story."
Wooyoung sighs at Suzy's newfound determination. He knows that this was going to be a long ride.
"Will you help me oppa?"
When she asks him of that, he knows he can't refuse.
-
Suzy is not fond of waiting, no one is, but especially not now. Waiting is really nerve-wrecking when you have eight years of questions to ask and eight years of pent up frustrations because you were kept in the dark. Suzy tries to tells herself that she has waited years for this day to come so what is a few more minutes of waiting? But still, she can't keep still, eyes transfixed onto her mobile phone on top of the table.
She had flown over to China for this to work, and trusted Wooyoung fully when he said that he had set up everything for her via Chansung.
The first few requests to see Jia and Fei are completely disregarded, so Suzy beg Chansung to let her crash one of his lunch appointments with them. It's the only way it could work, and while Chansung initially disagrees with this, Suzy successfully convinces him that one chance is all she needs, and then she will put everything at rest and won't ever try to contact them again if that is their wish.
When she arrives into the restaurant in downtown Shanghai, the door chime jingles as she enters, and Suzy braces herself for what is to come. She sees their back views, and recognizes them immediately. Even after so many years, she could recognise them anywhere: the charm Fei exudes as she sits up straight and the power packed tight in Jia's skinny frame cannot be confused with anyone else.
Suzy stands in front of the door to commit those images to her mind, just in case this is the last time she will ever see them.
She walks in and approaches them slowly, watching their eyes light up in shock as their eyes catch hers.
"I know everything." She says quickly, Fei and Jia both looks at each other trying to comprehend what she just said. Their eyes dart from her to Chansung, asking for explanation.
"I know she's not around anymore," Suzy says quietly, trying to swallow the bitter aftertaste of her own words.
Jia's gaze snaps to Chansung with disbelief.
"When Wooyoung asked me, I didn't know that he was going to tell her!" Chansung says. He immediately adds that they should have their own privacy and goes to wait for them at the coffee shop next door.
"Why did it end like this?" Suzy asks.
They look at each other, hesitant to say any words at all.
"Unnie, you've protected me enough, now I need to know what really happened."
Sighing, Jia looks at Fei, who gives her a slight nod of approval.
"She was really sick, the doctors only gave her around two years to live, and if she tires herself then it could be as short as half a year." Jia starts off and her eyes slowly turn hazy as the memory of Min resurfaces in her mind.
"That time she fainted wasn't because of just fatigue" Suzy mutters to herself as Jia and Fei both nods their head.
"She wouldn't rest and said that even if she has to die while performing, then so be it. We couldn't let that happen to her and so we lied about getting a contract from a Chinese company, cancelled our contract with JYPE, and made them mad enough to disband us. That was the only thing we could think to do for her."
"We were young and we weren't thinking about the consequences of what all this could bring us. All we could think about is that we could not let Min tire herself out. You know how full Min's schedules were. In the end, it cost us our fame, but it was worth it."
When Fei ends, Suzy feels tears spilling out of her eyes and down onto her cheeks.
She sits back onto her chair and tries to comprehend what all this means. The two women in front of her have sacrificed their fame for Min, and now she feels really undeserving and small. Why don't they think that she is capable of handling the truth? Why don't they think that she is strong enough to sacrifice herself like they had?
"Why don't you guys ever call me then? Even if you guys are deadset on not wanting me to know about this whole thing, you could at least still talk to me. I wondered for years if there was anything that I did wrong." Suzy wipes the tears away from her cheeks, but it is futile because the tears just don't stop.
"Because I thought I would cry if i ever called you. We felt so guilty keeping things from you, but Min didn't want you to know at all. She didn't want to bring you down knowing that you could do so much better if you didn't know at all." Fei reaches for Suzy's hand and puts her hand gently over hers, her eyes brimming with tears.
"If we look at you now: actress, model, singer, and then look at us: brushed under the carpet, forgotten and irrelevant, she was right. We never understood why Min decided to keep this from you either, but now we do ." Jia continues as Fei becomes tongue-tied and just agrees to what Jia said.
"Why didn't you ever try to come back to stage?" Suzy asks.
"I did. Remember five years ago when I tried to get into the variety world again?" Jia asks.
"Yes, you were on shows for a few months then you were gone again. I only knew a few months later and it was by accident because I overheard Lim telling others about you. I was wondering why you didn't even call or visit me."
"You know why it only lasted for half a year? I couldn't stand it, standing on the stage when all I could think of was Min. Everything reminded me of her. It felt so wrong to be standing on a stage where Min trained the longest out of all of us and only had a few short years of fame before that sickness prevented her from performing. Before we-" Jia pauses, her eyes shifts to look at Fei's.
"Before we have to stop her from performing."
"I--I had no idea how hard it was for you both, I thought it was hard for me, I had no idea." Suzy mumbles, lost in the thoughts of what they had been through.
Fei reaches forward and wipes Suzy's tears with her thumb.
"Hush now, I don't think Min would like to see us sobbing for her like this" she says, her voice gentle and Suzy is immediately reminded of how Fei used to comfort her in the past.
"Now that you know what happened, let's just live everyday for Min," Fei continues, smiling gently.
As Suzy returns the smile, she thinks that after all the guessing games, horrible surprises and spilled tears, it's good that there is finally something worth smiling about.
-
The next time Suzy stands up on stage, it's with a different purpose.
Now she knows that everything is better when she was still in the dark, when she was still protected by the darkness that surrounds her.
Darkness can make you feel cold and alone, but it protects you. Darkness lets you hide your faults, is welcoming of your imperfections and invites you right in. Darkness feels like lying under the sheets on an extremely cold day. Like being safe at home.
When they were still in a girl group, the best times were spent in darkness, behind the stage and away from scrutinizing eyes, where they would hug and whisper encouraging words to each other.
When the lights are turned on however, it's strictly business and it's every one for their own self. Light exposes you, leaves you naked and you put on show to be scrutinized. It exposes your faults, your hopes and fears. It burns your skin and worms its way in, whispering thoughts that you're not pretty enough, not talented enough, not special enough to deserve standing there.
Suzy knows now that she can never again stand on the stage and not think of Min. Everything about the stage oozes Min's presence, and if there's anyone that deserves being there more than all the three of them combined, it is Min.
However, instead of letting the thoughts of Min weigh her down into depression, Suzy tells herself that from now on, she would do this for Min, that if Min wasn't alive to do this, then Suzy will do this in honour of her.
Unnie, this is for you.
Poll Round 3: searching for missing things