Round 27: Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation
Title: Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: R
Fandom: Block B
Pairing: Zico/Taeil
Summary: Put me back in the jail that is you/A reality without you is cruel
Prompt Used: Ailee - Singing Got Better
My singing got better after breaking up with you
After living crazily with music, all of the song lyrics
Seemed like my story so I sang them to death
Little by little, slowly, my tears dried
Slowly, my tears dried
Slowly, I got over you like that
Ailee - Singing Got Better
They say hindsight is 20/20. When he looks back on it now, looks at the choices he has made, he can see it all spiralled out of his control long ago.
It had been like a jigsaw puzzle falling into place; he had no control.
It was destined to be.
Now, as he sits alone, in his room, with the lyrics in his head taunting him, begging him to let them out, he realises.
These lyrics are his story, and he has to tell them.
//
It started with a kiss. One simple, stupid kiss, and it nearly undid the both of them.
Stupidly enough, it was a game of Truth or Dare. Jiho can’t remember who suggested it-maybe it was Jihoon, as his cheeky smile lit up his eyes. Or maybe it was Kyung, whose husky voice reverberated throughout the room. Whoever it was, he both hated them and loved them at the same time.
Jaehyo was deep in thought, his hand on his chin, hunched over like The Thinker. They were in some generic hotel room in Paris-and to celebrate the Parisian’s love of wine, they had all gotten stupidly, ridiculously drunk. And this was how they would celebrate their European tour: with Truth or Dare.
“Jiho… I dare you…” He started, still in that stupid pose.
“No, no, hyung, you have to call him Great Leader.” Jihoon giggled into his glass of pinot.
Jaehyo shot him a glare, and Jiho winced. He had been on the receiving end of Jaehyo’s sharp gaze too many times.
“Shut up, Jihoon. Jiho, I dare you to… I dare you to kiss Taeil,” He finished with a flourish, sitting up and spreading his arms like he had just scored the winning goal in a game of soccer.
The room went silent almost immediately. Kyung raised an eyebrow, Yukwon snorted and Minhyuk rolled his eyes.
“Really, Jaehyo? Don’t you think that’s a little… I don’t know… fucking stupid?” Minhyuk snarled, getting to his feet. “And disrespectful?”
Jiho was still frozen, his heart racing in his chest and a lump forming in his throat. He knew, he fucking knew, that he shouldn’t have come out to them, that it would come back to haunt him one day. It had all gone well for two months (a miracle, considering some of his bandmates’ big mouths and attitudes) but this, this is where it all came crashing down. He couldn't move, couldn’t speak with the humiliation he felt washing over him.
Jaehyo’s hands went palm out, trying to calm the advancing Minhyuk. “Hey, I was just saying. He doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to. Which he clearly doesn’t.” He shrugged. “I just thought it would be cool.”
Jiho came to his senses this time. “Cool? Jaehyo, I’m not your walking porn machine. Google ‘two men kissing’ if you want to see it, don’t use me like this. Or Taeil. It’s not fair.” He snapped, pushing himself up to his feet.
“I’ll do it.”
In his drunken state, it took him a few seconds to realise what Taeil had said, and why everyone was staring at him like he had grown a second head.
“W... What?” Jiho stuttered, scarcely able to believe what he had just heard.
Taeil raised his head, those piercing brown eyes pinning him in place. “I said I’ll do it. But not in front of these idiots.” He nodded at the other men around him, who were still frozen.
Jiho just blinked rapidly as Taeil fluidly got to his feet and took Jiho by the hand, tugged him gently down the hall and into the bedroom, where he shut the door and leaned against it.
Jiho walked over to the bed and sat down, rubbing his eyes. “Hyung… what the hell was that?” He inquired, his voice sounding tired.
Taeil shrugged. “I could tell you were humiliated. That wasn’t fair of Jaehyo to spring that on you like that. Besides…” He hesitated, then seemed to steel himself. “Besides, I wouldn’t mind kissing you.”
Thankfully, Jiho’s legs worked faster than his brain, because he was already getting up from the bed and walking towards the door, towards Taeil, before his brain had even started to process the words. He came to a stop in front of the shorter man, who was staring up at him with undisguised curiosity and want in his eyes.
“Are you sure?” Jiho asked, softly, his voice barely a whisper.
Taeil answered by guiding Jiho’s face down to his and kissing him.
It was short, and sweet, but Jiho could feel himself getting aroused as Taeil’s mouth opened into his and he tasted wine and felt the other man’s breath and-oh, god-
Jiho broke the kiss, worried his hands would start roaming if it went for much longer. Taeil closed his eyes and touched his lips, as if he couldn’t believe what just happened, happened. Then his eyes snapped open and found Jiho’s.
“Do it again.” He growled, but didn’t give Jiho a chance to respond, as he turned the taller man around, threw him up against the wall and kissed him as hard as he could, one hand in Jiho’s hair, the other on Jiho’s jaw. Jiho felt his eyes roll back in his head as he wrapped his hands around Taeil’s waist, pulled him closer, felt their bodies flush with each other and let out a moan, to which Taeil responded with one of his own.
Heaven, he thought.
//
The week after that was painfully awkward for Jiho. He hadn’t spoken to Taeil, not since that night, and then after that they had to perform on stage together multiple times. Even the BBCs picked up on the tension, and rumours were flying everywhere on twitter that the two had fought.
At home, in the dorm, Jiho spun around in his desk chair. They hadn’t fought, per se. It was just that he was too afraid to talk to Taeil, or even look at him, really, in case the other man hated him for what he had done.
Because, if he was telling himself the truth, he didn’t know if he could handle that. Kissing Taeil was… something else. It was amazing, and beautiful, and something real that had happened between them, not any of this bullshit that they navigated everyday. And if Taeil just up and decided he hated it, it would break Jiho’s heart.
That had been the first kiss where Jiho had actually felt something.
He rubbed his temples, letting out a deep sigh. The worst part, he supposed, was that he wouldn’t mind kissing Taeil again. In fact, it was what had kept him up at night-the feeling of those lips against his, the way Taeil’s hand fit perfectly in the small of his back like it was meant to be there, the way he had moaned into Jiho, for Jiho…
He walked over to the bed, flopped face-down onto it and groaned deeply into the blanket.
Why did it have to be this way?
//
The second time was as unexpected as the first, but perhaps better, he thinks, as he scribbles lyrics furiously. Normally he tries to write on the computer or his phone, so he can see typos better, but this time the words are bursting out of him, overflowing, and he just can’t hold them in anymore.
Yes, the second time was better.
//
It was a familiar position for Jiho; his body knew this pose well: hunched over the computer screen, shaped like the letter C, legs crossed underneath him on his desk chair, tapping furiously on the keys. For once, he wasn’t writing music or lyrics-instead he was chatting to Yukwon over kakaotalk. Yes, he was just across the hallway from the other man, but it was 4 am, they couldn’t sleep, so instead they were chatting about inane things, like their upcoming concerts and appearances.
Yukwon: And we have ANOTHER appearance on MBC Music Core tomorrow… Don’t get me wrong, I love Her, but this is exhausting.
Jiho: I know. I don’t like it much either.
Yukwon: It’s especially hard when you and Taeil are fighting, you know that, right? Minhyuk and I have to up the dancing to distract everyone from your awkwardness.
Jiho: Look, it’s not like we’re fighting, it’s just… a disagreement.
Yukwon: Whatever. Hey, speak of the devil, guess who I just heard get up?
Jiho: ?
Yukwon: Taeil. I’d recognise that sneeze of his anywhere. You guys need to talk. Just do it, Jiho!
Jiho sighed at his computer screen and placed his hand on it, ready to shut it and go to bed, when a soft knock came at his door. Rat-a-tat-tat-tat.
Taeil.
“Co… come in.” Jiho stuttered, his voice fading in and out.
The door swung open, and Taeil was there, in nothing but pyjama bottoms and socks, with a twinkle in his eye. His hair was sticking up, a sure sign he had been running his hands through it, and Jiho’s heart panged at the sight.
“Hyung, I…”
“Jiho, we…”
They smiled at each other, trying to stave off the awkwardness. It wasn’t working, though, and Jiho saw Taeil’s fingers dig into his pyjama pants.
“Jiho, are you okay? You’ve been ignoring me all week,” Taeil blurted, immediately flushing and looking down. “I apologise for whatever I did wrong.”
Jiho laughed. He couldn’t help it. Taeil didn’t do anything wrong-quite the opposite, in fact.
“Hyung, you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He noted, a twinge of sadness shining through in his voice.
Taeil must have picked up on it, because before Jiho could blink, the other man was in front of him, bending down to kiss him. Their lips met, and Jiho felt himself falling backwards inside his own mind, felt his life turn upside-down, again. He felt Taeil’s hand grasp a lock of his hair and tug, and he grunted in response.
Their lips parted and their tongues met, and Jiho’s back arched as he desperately tried to get closer to Taeil, who was dragging him over to the bed. As Taeil pulled off Jiho’s oversized sleep shirt and Jiho felt their hot skin meet, he nearly fainted at the ecstasy.
Instead, he allowed Taeil to push him down onto the bed, and moaned as he felt the other man’s lips meet his shoulder.
He lost himself that night, and he didn’t know if he ever found himself again.
//
That’s good. “I lost myself that night”. Tongue sticking out of his mouth, he scribbles the sentence down as fast as he can, and then leans back, staring at the page in front of him.
It is illegible, as most of his first drafts often are, but all the lyrics rhyme, and he already has an idea for a beat for the song inside of his head.
But that will have to wait. Reaching for another piece of lined paper, he furiously starts writing again.
That time with the other man, the time they spent together, were some of the best times he’s ever had in his life. But it is over now, not through his doing, and if he is going to get something out of it, it was going to be his soul back. His soul will return through the music, he knows that much.
And so he writes and writes until his heart is empty.
//
For the next three months, things continued, just like that.
Well, not just like that.
After that first night, where they had opened their bodies and hearts to each other, they hadn’t spoken for a week. When Jiho finally got up the courage to ask Taeil why he was avoiding him, his hyung had simply produced a sheet of lyrics.
To the amazement of everyone in Block B, Taeil, who had never shown an interest in song writing or producing, was now writing lyrics. Not just good lyrics, but stunningly beautiful lyrics, perfectly suited to his high, soft voice. He was writing a song a day, maybe more, and he even wrote a few for the others-Jihoon was amazed when Taeil wrote him a rap.
In between the writing, Taeil spent most of his time wrapped around Jiho, or kissing Jiho, or doing... other things to Jiho. The leader didn’t know where this had come from, but he certainly wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
The way it had happened was so sudden that Jiho was still reeling; one moment, they were sharing an illicit kiss in a strange hotel room in Paris, the next, Taeil was hugging and kissing him in front of his bandmates and telling Jiho he loved him, had always loved him and always would.
It was always in the back of his head, though, that one day, Taeil might come to his senses, and realise what a mistake he was making, realise that Jiho wasn’t the one he wanted. Although Taeil showed no signs of this, promised to love Jiho forever, promised that he would never leave him, there was always that niggling doubt.
He did his best to ignore it, though.
//
“Hyung, be honest, did you put Jaehyo up to that date?” Jiho said, as they sat in Taeil’s room, glasses of wine full to the brim in homage to their first kiss.
Taeil giggled-a noise Jiho had never heard him make before. “If I’m honest? Yeah. Since you came out, I’d been thinking about you so much. I couldn’t get you off my mind. I figured that was the perfect time to do it.”
Jiho smiled and scooted closer, taking care not to spill his wine all over the both of them. “I’m glad you did.”
He leaned into his hyung, feeling his arms close around him, making him feel safe and loved and wanted, and closed his eyes.
This was where he wanted to be.
//
The first signs of unrest were subtle. In fact, for the first few weeks, he was able to put his doubts down to the voice in the back of his head that had been telling him from the beginning that this was a bad idea. He tried to ignore them, but as Taeil slammed a door in his face once more, the seed of doubt began to grow.
He sat on his bed, the blanket balled up to his face as to catch his tears. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t he just be normal, and fall for an actress or another singer, and get married to her and have cute babies? Why did he have to be gay, and then, not only be gay, but also fall for his bandmate?
His fingers clenched and unclenched as he desperately tried to reassure himself. Taeil was just in a bad mood. It would be okay. It always was. Block B had weathered worse things than a lover’s spat, and as Jihoon burst into the room to give him a hug and offer him some bulgogi that he had picked up specially for him, he knew he would be okay. They would be okay.
//
“The Beginning of the End”, he scrawls on the piece of paper. “Track no. 6.”
Fitting. He should have seen it coming back then.
//
“Hyung, what’s wrong? Why have you been so angry with me lately?” Jiho pleaded, his eyes full of tears as Taeil stood in the middle of the room, where they had kissed for the second time all those months ago (was it really that recent? It felt like years to Jiho).
“I don’t fucking know, Jiho. I just don’t know.” Taeil retorted, running his hands through his hair.
“You know you can talk to me about anything. You know I love you-” Jiho began, but was cut off by Taeil snapping.
“Stop! Just stop it. I’m sick of hearing it,” Taeil growled, his eyes dark and dangerous.
For once in his life, Jiho felt completely helpless. The best thing that had ever happened to him was slipping through his fingers like sand, and there was nothing he could do. He was grasping at empty air.
“What did I do, hyung?” He begged. “Please, tell me, so I can fix this.”
Taeil looked him up and down and sneered, and it was such a cruel look Jiho felt his heart shrivel up. “Fuck off, Jiho. Just fuck off.”
His voice was high and reedy, he knew he sounded ridiculous, but he couldn’t stop it. “What do you mean fuck off? I can’t go anywhere, we’re in the same band…”
“Don’t remind me.”
And he turned and walked out of Jiho’s life without a backwards glance.
//
That was how it ended, and that was how Jiho’s heart broke into a million pieces, right there, bleeding out on the dorm room carpet. When he screamed and his members rushed in, he kept pointing to the ground and screaming at them to fix it, to pick it up, couldn’t they see he was bleeding out right there? Couldn’t they see the blood staining the floor, running up the walls, dripping from the ceiling?
When he woke up, he stopped talking for a week. He didn’t open his mouth, didn’t even look at anyone, just locked himself in the room and stared at the walls, pretending to imagine the blood dripping everywhere. Maybe he was going insane.
Maybe that’s what love did.
SeSea reacted supportively, to his surprise. They cancelled all upcoming tours, said the members could have some free time if they needed, and booked Jiho in for therapy.
And tracked down Taeil.
He had gone to Jeju Island. Even then, Jiho saw that for what it was-a final slap in the face. Honeymoon Island. There was Taeil, amongst the living, the loving, while Jiho sat in his dorm, dead to the world except for those four walls.
When he had returned to the dorm, as Jiho knew he would, he seemed happy and carefree and was sporting a ridiculous tan. The other members tiptoed around him, not sure how to treat him-friend or foe? Loyalty to the eldest or the leader?
This went on for weeks until something inside him snapped. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t be a statue, couldn’t let his bandmates down. He was a leader, and he had a responsibility.
And so he picked up a pen.
//
Jiho shuffles the papers in front of him, places them in order. If he’s being honest, he’s feeling better than he has in months. It is cathartic to write that all down, get it out of his system, bleed it all out onto the paper. He is proud of what he’s written-he thinks they are the best lyrics he’s ever done.
He doesn’t know if he will ever be able to talk to Taeil again, or trust him, but he knows his bandmates need him, he knows he is important and wanted by people who will not let him down, and now he can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
He looks to the open door, out where his bandmates are waiting, and smiles.
Poll
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: R
Fandom: Block B
Pairing: Zico/Taeil
Summary: Put me back in the jail that is you/A reality without you is cruel
Prompt Used: Ailee - Singing Got Better
My singing got better after breaking up with you
After living crazily with music, all of the song lyrics
Seemed like my story so I sang them to death
Little by little, slowly, my tears dried
Slowly, my tears dried
Slowly, I got over you like that
Ailee - Singing Got Better
They say hindsight is 20/20. When he looks back on it now, looks at the choices he has made, he can see it all spiralled out of his control long ago.
It had been like a jigsaw puzzle falling into place; he had no control.
It was destined to be.
Now, as he sits alone, in his room, with the lyrics in his head taunting him, begging him to let them out, he realises.
These lyrics are his story, and he has to tell them.
//
It started with a kiss. One simple, stupid kiss, and it nearly undid the both of them.
Stupidly enough, it was a game of Truth or Dare. Jiho can’t remember who suggested it-maybe it was Jihoon, as his cheeky smile lit up his eyes. Or maybe it was Kyung, whose husky voice reverberated throughout the room. Whoever it was, he both hated them and loved them at the same time.
Jaehyo was deep in thought, his hand on his chin, hunched over like The Thinker. They were in some generic hotel room in Paris-and to celebrate the Parisian’s love of wine, they had all gotten stupidly, ridiculously drunk. And this was how they would celebrate their European tour: with Truth or Dare.
“Jiho… I dare you…” He started, still in that stupid pose.
“No, no, hyung, you have to call him Great Leader.” Jihoon giggled into his glass of pinot.
Jaehyo shot him a glare, and Jiho winced. He had been on the receiving end of Jaehyo’s sharp gaze too many times.
“Shut up, Jihoon. Jiho, I dare you to… I dare you to kiss Taeil,” He finished with a flourish, sitting up and spreading his arms like he had just scored the winning goal in a game of soccer.
The room went silent almost immediately. Kyung raised an eyebrow, Yukwon snorted and Minhyuk rolled his eyes.
“Really, Jaehyo? Don’t you think that’s a little… I don’t know… fucking stupid?” Minhyuk snarled, getting to his feet. “And disrespectful?”
Jiho was still frozen, his heart racing in his chest and a lump forming in his throat. He knew, he fucking knew, that he shouldn’t have come out to them, that it would come back to haunt him one day. It had all gone well for two months (a miracle, considering some of his bandmates’ big mouths and attitudes) but this, this is where it all came crashing down. He couldn't move, couldn’t speak with the humiliation he felt washing over him.
Jaehyo’s hands went palm out, trying to calm the advancing Minhyuk. “Hey, I was just saying. He doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to. Which he clearly doesn’t.” He shrugged. “I just thought it would be cool.”
Jiho came to his senses this time. “Cool? Jaehyo, I’m not your walking porn machine. Google ‘two men kissing’ if you want to see it, don’t use me like this. Or Taeil. It’s not fair.” He snapped, pushing himself up to his feet.
“I’ll do it.”
In his drunken state, it took him a few seconds to realise what Taeil had said, and why everyone was staring at him like he had grown a second head.
“W... What?” Jiho stuttered, scarcely able to believe what he had just heard.
Taeil raised his head, those piercing brown eyes pinning him in place. “I said I’ll do it. But not in front of these idiots.” He nodded at the other men around him, who were still frozen.
Jiho just blinked rapidly as Taeil fluidly got to his feet and took Jiho by the hand, tugged him gently down the hall and into the bedroom, where he shut the door and leaned against it.
Jiho walked over to the bed and sat down, rubbing his eyes. “Hyung… what the hell was that?” He inquired, his voice sounding tired.
Taeil shrugged. “I could tell you were humiliated. That wasn’t fair of Jaehyo to spring that on you like that. Besides…” He hesitated, then seemed to steel himself. “Besides, I wouldn’t mind kissing you.”
Thankfully, Jiho’s legs worked faster than his brain, because he was already getting up from the bed and walking towards the door, towards Taeil, before his brain had even started to process the words. He came to a stop in front of the shorter man, who was staring up at him with undisguised curiosity and want in his eyes.
“Are you sure?” Jiho asked, softly, his voice barely a whisper.
Taeil answered by guiding Jiho’s face down to his and kissing him.
It was short, and sweet, but Jiho could feel himself getting aroused as Taeil’s mouth opened into his and he tasted wine and felt the other man’s breath and-oh, god-
Jiho broke the kiss, worried his hands would start roaming if it went for much longer. Taeil closed his eyes and touched his lips, as if he couldn’t believe what just happened, happened. Then his eyes snapped open and found Jiho’s.
“Do it again.” He growled, but didn’t give Jiho a chance to respond, as he turned the taller man around, threw him up against the wall and kissed him as hard as he could, one hand in Jiho’s hair, the other on Jiho’s jaw. Jiho felt his eyes roll back in his head as he wrapped his hands around Taeil’s waist, pulled him closer, felt their bodies flush with each other and let out a moan, to which Taeil responded with one of his own.
Heaven, he thought.
//
The week after that was painfully awkward for Jiho. He hadn’t spoken to Taeil, not since that night, and then after that they had to perform on stage together multiple times. Even the BBCs picked up on the tension, and rumours were flying everywhere on twitter that the two had fought.
At home, in the dorm, Jiho spun around in his desk chair. They hadn’t fought, per se. It was just that he was too afraid to talk to Taeil, or even look at him, really, in case the other man hated him for what he had done.
Because, if he was telling himself the truth, he didn’t know if he could handle that. Kissing Taeil was… something else. It was amazing, and beautiful, and something real that had happened between them, not any of this bullshit that they navigated everyday. And if Taeil just up and decided he hated it, it would break Jiho’s heart.
That had been the first kiss where Jiho had actually felt something.
He rubbed his temples, letting out a deep sigh. The worst part, he supposed, was that he wouldn’t mind kissing Taeil again. In fact, it was what had kept him up at night-the feeling of those lips against his, the way Taeil’s hand fit perfectly in the small of his back like it was meant to be there, the way he had moaned into Jiho, for Jiho…
He walked over to the bed, flopped face-down onto it and groaned deeply into the blanket.
Why did it have to be this way?
//
The second time was as unexpected as the first, but perhaps better, he thinks, as he scribbles lyrics furiously. Normally he tries to write on the computer or his phone, so he can see typos better, but this time the words are bursting out of him, overflowing, and he just can’t hold them in anymore.
Yes, the second time was better.
//
It was a familiar position for Jiho; his body knew this pose well: hunched over the computer screen, shaped like the letter C, legs crossed underneath him on his desk chair, tapping furiously on the keys. For once, he wasn’t writing music or lyrics-instead he was chatting to Yukwon over kakaotalk. Yes, he was just across the hallway from the other man, but it was 4 am, they couldn’t sleep, so instead they were chatting about inane things, like their upcoming concerts and appearances.
Yukwon: And we have ANOTHER appearance on MBC Music Core tomorrow… Don’t get me wrong, I love Her, but this is exhausting.
Jiho: I know. I don’t like it much either.
Yukwon: It’s especially hard when you and Taeil are fighting, you know that, right? Minhyuk and I have to up the dancing to distract everyone from your awkwardness.
Jiho: Look, it’s not like we’re fighting, it’s just… a disagreement.
Yukwon: Whatever. Hey, speak of the devil, guess who I just heard get up?
Jiho: ?
Yukwon: Taeil. I’d recognise that sneeze of his anywhere. You guys need to talk. Just do it, Jiho!
Jiho sighed at his computer screen and placed his hand on it, ready to shut it and go to bed, when a soft knock came at his door. Rat-a-tat-tat-tat.
Taeil.
“Co… come in.” Jiho stuttered, his voice fading in and out.
The door swung open, and Taeil was there, in nothing but pyjama bottoms and socks, with a twinkle in his eye. His hair was sticking up, a sure sign he had been running his hands through it, and Jiho’s heart panged at the sight.
“Hyung, I…”
“Jiho, we…”
They smiled at each other, trying to stave off the awkwardness. It wasn’t working, though, and Jiho saw Taeil’s fingers dig into his pyjama pants.
“Jiho, are you okay? You’ve been ignoring me all week,” Taeil blurted, immediately flushing and looking down. “I apologise for whatever I did wrong.”
Jiho laughed. He couldn’t help it. Taeil didn’t do anything wrong-quite the opposite, in fact.
“Hyung, you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He noted, a twinge of sadness shining through in his voice.
Taeil must have picked up on it, because before Jiho could blink, the other man was in front of him, bending down to kiss him. Their lips met, and Jiho felt himself falling backwards inside his own mind, felt his life turn upside-down, again. He felt Taeil’s hand grasp a lock of his hair and tug, and he grunted in response.
Their lips parted and their tongues met, and Jiho’s back arched as he desperately tried to get closer to Taeil, who was dragging him over to the bed. As Taeil pulled off Jiho’s oversized sleep shirt and Jiho felt their hot skin meet, he nearly fainted at the ecstasy.
Instead, he allowed Taeil to push him down onto the bed, and moaned as he felt the other man’s lips meet his shoulder.
He lost himself that night, and he didn’t know if he ever found himself again.
//
That’s good. “I lost myself that night”. Tongue sticking out of his mouth, he scribbles the sentence down as fast as he can, and then leans back, staring at the page in front of him.
It is illegible, as most of his first drafts often are, but all the lyrics rhyme, and he already has an idea for a beat for the song inside of his head.
But that will have to wait. Reaching for another piece of lined paper, he furiously starts writing again.
That time with the other man, the time they spent together, were some of the best times he’s ever had in his life. But it is over now, not through his doing, and if he is going to get something out of it, it was going to be his soul back. His soul will return through the music, he knows that much.
And so he writes and writes until his heart is empty.
//
For the next three months, things continued, just like that.
Well, not just like that.
After that first night, where they had opened their bodies and hearts to each other, they hadn’t spoken for a week. When Jiho finally got up the courage to ask Taeil why he was avoiding him, his hyung had simply produced a sheet of lyrics.
To the amazement of everyone in Block B, Taeil, who had never shown an interest in song writing or producing, was now writing lyrics. Not just good lyrics, but stunningly beautiful lyrics, perfectly suited to his high, soft voice. He was writing a song a day, maybe more, and he even wrote a few for the others-Jihoon was amazed when Taeil wrote him a rap.
In between the writing, Taeil spent most of his time wrapped around Jiho, or kissing Jiho, or doing... other things to Jiho. The leader didn’t know where this had come from, but he certainly wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
The way it had happened was so sudden that Jiho was still reeling; one moment, they were sharing an illicit kiss in a strange hotel room in Paris, the next, Taeil was hugging and kissing him in front of his bandmates and telling Jiho he loved him, had always loved him and always would.
It was always in the back of his head, though, that one day, Taeil might come to his senses, and realise what a mistake he was making, realise that Jiho wasn’t the one he wanted. Although Taeil showed no signs of this, promised to love Jiho forever, promised that he would never leave him, there was always that niggling doubt.
He did his best to ignore it, though.
//
“Hyung, be honest, did you put Jaehyo up to that date?” Jiho said, as they sat in Taeil’s room, glasses of wine full to the brim in homage to their first kiss.
Taeil giggled-a noise Jiho had never heard him make before. “If I’m honest? Yeah. Since you came out, I’d been thinking about you so much. I couldn’t get you off my mind. I figured that was the perfect time to do it.”
Jiho smiled and scooted closer, taking care not to spill his wine all over the both of them. “I’m glad you did.”
He leaned into his hyung, feeling his arms close around him, making him feel safe and loved and wanted, and closed his eyes.
This was where he wanted to be.
//
The first signs of unrest were subtle. In fact, for the first few weeks, he was able to put his doubts down to the voice in the back of his head that had been telling him from the beginning that this was a bad idea. He tried to ignore them, but as Taeil slammed a door in his face once more, the seed of doubt began to grow.
He sat on his bed, the blanket balled up to his face as to catch his tears. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t he just be normal, and fall for an actress or another singer, and get married to her and have cute babies? Why did he have to be gay, and then, not only be gay, but also fall for his bandmate?
His fingers clenched and unclenched as he desperately tried to reassure himself. Taeil was just in a bad mood. It would be okay. It always was. Block B had weathered worse things than a lover’s spat, and as Jihoon burst into the room to give him a hug and offer him some bulgogi that he had picked up specially for him, he knew he would be okay. They would be okay.
//
“The Beginning of the End”, he scrawls on the piece of paper. “Track no. 6.”
Fitting. He should have seen it coming back then.
//
“Hyung, what’s wrong? Why have you been so angry with me lately?” Jiho pleaded, his eyes full of tears as Taeil stood in the middle of the room, where they had kissed for the second time all those months ago (was it really that recent? It felt like years to Jiho).
“I don’t fucking know, Jiho. I just don’t know.” Taeil retorted, running his hands through his hair.
“You know you can talk to me about anything. You know I love you-” Jiho began, but was cut off by Taeil snapping.
“Stop! Just stop it. I’m sick of hearing it,” Taeil growled, his eyes dark and dangerous.
For once in his life, Jiho felt completely helpless. The best thing that had ever happened to him was slipping through his fingers like sand, and there was nothing he could do. He was grasping at empty air.
“What did I do, hyung?” He begged. “Please, tell me, so I can fix this.”
Taeil looked him up and down and sneered, and it was such a cruel look Jiho felt his heart shrivel up. “Fuck off, Jiho. Just fuck off.”
His voice was high and reedy, he knew he sounded ridiculous, but he couldn’t stop it. “What do you mean fuck off? I can’t go anywhere, we’re in the same band…”
“Don’t remind me.”
And he turned and walked out of Jiho’s life without a backwards glance.
//
That was how it ended, and that was how Jiho’s heart broke into a million pieces, right there, bleeding out on the dorm room carpet. When he screamed and his members rushed in, he kept pointing to the ground and screaming at them to fix it, to pick it up, couldn’t they see he was bleeding out right there? Couldn’t they see the blood staining the floor, running up the walls, dripping from the ceiling?
When he woke up, he stopped talking for a week. He didn’t open his mouth, didn’t even look at anyone, just locked himself in the room and stared at the walls, pretending to imagine the blood dripping everywhere. Maybe he was going insane.
Maybe that’s what love did.
SeSea reacted supportively, to his surprise. They cancelled all upcoming tours, said the members could have some free time if they needed, and booked Jiho in for therapy.
And tracked down Taeil.
He had gone to Jeju Island. Even then, Jiho saw that for what it was-a final slap in the face. Honeymoon Island. There was Taeil, amongst the living, the loving, while Jiho sat in his dorm, dead to the world except for those four walls.
When he had returned to the dorm, as Jiho knew he would, he seemed happy and carefree and was sporting a ridiculous tan. The other members tiptoed around him, not sure how to treat him-friend or foe? Loyalty to the eldest or the leader?
This went on for weeks until something inside him snapped. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t be a statue, couldn’t let his bandmates down. He was a leader, and he had a responsibility.
And so he picked up a pen.
//
Jiho shuffles the papers in front of him, places them in order. If he’s being honest, he’s feeling better than he has in months. It is cathartic to write that all down, get it out of his system, bleed it all out onto the paper. He is proud of what he’s written-he thinks they are the best lyrics he’s ever done.
He doesn’t know if he will ever be able to talk to Taeil again, or trust him, but he knows his bandmates need him, he knows he is important and wanted by people who will not let him down, and now he can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
He looks to the open door, out where his bandmates are waiting, and smiles.
Poll