Round 20: Mistakes Like This
Title: Mistakes Like This
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: R
Wordcount: 4,250 words
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi
Warnings: None
Summary: the thing is, kyuhyun and zhou mi are parallel lines and them actually meeting can only go badly.
Author's Note: thank you, team! ♥ it's been a wild ride but we all miraculously made it!!
Prompt Used: Danger by Bangtan Boys + this supplementary prompt
Zhou Mi leans back against the railing, ignoring the panoramic view of the city in favor of staring at Kyuhyun.
"Don't you have to be at MBC in, like, 2 hours?" Kyuhyun says with a frown on his face.
"Yeah. It's not like I'm unable to function without sleep though. I'll be fine."
Kyuhyun knows that tone of voice, knows that while Zhou Mi is perfectly capable of functioning with no sleep, the stress and anxiety might prove to be challenging.
"You're gonna do great-" Kyuhyun starts.
"I know," Zhou Mi interrupts, voice clipped. "You don't have to give me a pep-talk. I'm fine." It comes out harsher than he meant to but he doesn't care.
"Celebratory drinks tonight, then?" Kyuhyun offers, feeling very much like he's negotiating some sort of convoluted peace treaty with a not-receptive-at-all other party.
"I already have plans, thanks." And Kyuhyun knows not to say anything more. He had never been one to be good with words, even written ones - songwriting wasn't his thing, and even back in school, he was always better with cold hard numbers than trying to write convincing papers.
*
This is the last Zhou Mi hears or actually sees of Kyuhyun for the next couple of weeks.
congrats on the win reads the text that Kyuhyun sends him. Zhou Mi's thumb hovers between the delete button and the text box. He almost expects Kyuhyun to send another text, one that says: told you you'd do great and almost feels disappointed when he doesn't. Almost. If anything, he just feels vaguely outraged at himself for being so attuned to Kyuhyun's communication patterns.
thanks. good luck for your own solo debut. is what he types back but never sends.
He's still not completely at peace with the fact that Kyuhyun's solo debut is scheduled just a mere weeks after his and it's not jealousy, he tells himself, but deep down, he knows that there's definitely some of it. It's like - this wasn't Kyuhyun's call, it never really is in their line of work, management is always pulling the strings for them. Go stand there, sing, and look pretty.. Try not to look too tired/dead on your feet/nauseous. Don't you dare forget lyrics or a dance move. Smile all the time. That's the subtext you find when you scratch the veneer and it didn't Zhou Mi too long to do so.
So: Zhou Mi's maybe, possibly, quite certainly a bit mad at how his and Kyuhyun's solo debuts are so close to each other. It's not like there's even a single plan of them promoting together, there's no fucking point in doing this, if not just for the sake of working some extra wons in before closing the books of the financial year. And if that was the plan, well, they just shouldn't have gave him an album altogether, Zhou Mi thinks bitterly. It's not like he's a cash-cow, far from that.
Zhou Mi knows all too well that he's just being petty and maybe kind of immature: again, this wasn't Kyuhyun's call and it's not even his proper solo debut. Kyuhyun has had countless musicals and OST songs from dramas in the past that, in theory, this solo album doesn't mean a thing. Zhou Mi doesn't believe in theory.
Zhou Mi remembers the countless times he went to Kyuhyun's musicals' debuts, how he always managed to find time in his schedule - well, it wasn't too hard per se, really - to go to the first night and support him. And yet, the fucker didn't even manage to return the favor and come to his debut stage. This is what you get for being nice to someone in the Korean entertainment industry. Zhou Mi stops his thought process, figures that maybe he didn't make Kyuhyun feel invited. Alright. It's his fault.
(Or maybe it's not really his fault and Kyuhyun just had a conflicting schedule or something. It's always easier to reject the fault on someone else, really. Zhou Mi has become so, so good at it.)
*
Zhou Mi doesn't like to think about how it all began. There are too many things attached to that period of time, too many memories that he's not so fond of and that he'd rather not bring back to the surface. But still. That goddamn pork chops feeding story that he's told the media was definitely a starting point - some sort of starting point. It's a good story to sell to the public: it's light-hearted, fun, cute and it shows the two of them in a good light. Zhou Mi, the new trainee lost in a foreign country dumped into a not-so-ideal group situation; Kyuhyun, the now well-practiced idol who was also, not too long ago, dumped into a not-so-ideal group situation, helping out the new guy and being overall very welcoming, perhaps more than anyone else.
There are other starting points, though. Other moments that he shared with Kyuhyun but that just verge a little too much into private territory to be shared with fans who are, on most days, still not too happy about his mere existence and presence in the Korean idol landscape.
There's that time after the first Super Junior M practice, the very day after news had broken out about the new subunit:
"New beginnings!" Han Geng claps, leaning back against the practice room mirror and looking at his bandmates with an exhausted but content smile on his face. "Let's make this work and take over China!"
Zhou Mi purses his lips, almost wants to dig a hole into the floor and disappear, right here, right now. "New beginnings", more like, The Beginning. Welcome to idolhood, thank you for signing your soul and agreeing to this life of sleep deprivation, fan entitlement and absolutely horrendous and sometimes ridiculous schedules. To his dismay, he doesn't disappear - he feels something tap his shoulder and when he looks to his right, he finds out that it's someone's sneaker. Zhou Mi looks up, finds Kyuhyun looking down at him with a frown on his face.
"So. You're a good singer and you're not too terribly awful at picking up choreographies? Should I be worried about you becoming so popular that you steal all of the spotlight from the rest of us?"
Zhou Mi chuckles nervously and runs a hand through his sweaty hair.
"I'm not too sure about that."
"Ah," Kyuhyun starts. There's a pause that feels too long for Zhou Mi's comfort and then Kyuhyun crouches down and sits on the floor next to him. "Yeah, it might not be so easy. If I was to draw from my own experience... I'd say it's not going to be easy. At all. So, buckle up, this is going to be one long wild ride." There's no hint of joking in Kyuhyun's voice - just a dry feeling of truth that hits Zhou Mi right in the face.
And so maybe that's another good starting point. One moment in time where he and Kyuhyun were able to have a honest heart-to-heart conversation. Nothing to hide and nothing to lose.
So. Zhou Mi doesn't like to think about The Beginning. Doesn't like to think that one of the many things they lost down the road is honesty.
*
The Middle isn't that much better to think about but Zhou Mi can't possibly ignore the last six years of life, so here goes:
Picture guys in their twenties stuck together for most of their time and actually encouraged to simulate being in love with each other for the sake of fans. Imagine where that could possibly lead. No need to have a PhD here, it's easy.
It can only go badly.
The pork chop episode is apparently a good building block for a budding friendship between Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun. It's everything Zhou Mi needs in his life to forget about the fans who aren't really warming up to him. Somehow, they seem to like him a little bit better when he's associated with Kyuhyun. So he goes all out, pours his entire body and heart into becoming a champion at fanservice. It seems to work - it does the trick for a while, at least, until they both start to blur the boundaries between work and personal life.
There's only so much hand-holding, hugging, praising, kissing and bickering you can do with someone else as part of your very time-consuming job before you start believing in it. Even just a little. Going past that tipping point one is kind of like punching a one-way ticket to Problemsville.
*
Here's the scene:
SM Town Live Seoul, 2010.
Zhou Mi gives Kyuhyun what might possibly one of the best hugs he's ever given, hands down. This one will go down in history. There's no real reason behind it: it's a lot of built-up… things - feelings, rather. Zhou Mi hugs Kyuhyun like this is the last time he'll ever hug someone and they're both beaming on stage.
There's an afterparty after the show and it's as rowdy as it can be when you gather all current SM artists in one room, give them an open-bar and no schedules on the following day. It's as good as it gets in the idol world, really.
It feels like one minute Kyuhyun's complaining about the lack of dessert options in the buffet that's set up in a corner of the room, slurred words whispered a little too close to Zhou Mi's ear and the next-
"I should go home with you, it's closer…," Kyuhyun mumbles. "Easier. Yes. I'll do that."
The next, Kyuhyun's stuck to Zhou Mi's side like a very committed barnacle. Zhou Mi tries to argue.
"You can honestly take a cab on your own."
"I've had a lot to drink", Kyuhyun keeps on mumbling, "do you want me to be found dead in my own puke." Kyuhyun doesn't even bother saying this in an interrogative tone. Doesn't even expect an answer, just sticks to Zhou Mi's side and swiftly follows him into the cab that's just pulled up in front of them.
"You better not puke anywhere in the apartment," Zhou Mi grumbles.
There's a lot of pushing and dragging involved as Zhou Mi manhandles Kyuhyun through every step of the apparently very complicated process of walking through the building lobby, getting into the elevator and then through the door of the apartment.
Zhou Mi finally pushes the door closed behind them and reaches out to turn the lights on when Kyuhyun jumps on him, pushes Zhou Mi against the wall and kisses him. That's a lot of coordination and moves for someone who couldn't even stand on their own in the elevator two minutes ago.
Zhou Mi's first instinct is, surprisingly, to kiss him back. In hindsight, it's all but a surprise, just a result of years of well-practiced fanservice that eventually bled into real life. Zhou Mi wonders how long this has been going on for: how long he's possibly been ignoring this brewing inside of himself, how long Kyuhyun has possibly been thinking about doing this.
Kyuhyun pries his lips open with his tongue and it's not that he's a bad kisser but Zhou Mi has to shut this fucking thing down right this second because there's no way Kyuhyun is in any kind of appropriate state to be doing this.
"You're drunk," Zhou Mi enunciates loudly, putting his hands on Kyuhyun's shoulders to both move his body away from his own and hold him into place. "This is not happening." There is no way this is happening, Zhou Mi doesn't say. Doesn't mention that he thinks that for Kyuhyun, this is nothing but a byproduct of his drunkenness. Nothing else.
Kyuhyun looks up at him with glassy drunken eyes, protesting: "No, I really mean this." His voice is just barely over a whisper, contrasting with Zhou Mi's earlier loud exclamation. Zhou Mi wants to believe this, wants this.
And so he moves his hands from Kyuhyun's shoulders to his hips, presses their bodies flush together and dives his head down again, going in for the kiss.
*
Zhou Mi really, really doesn't like to think about The Middle either.
If The Beginning was bad enough, The Middle is just a series of occurrences where Zhou Mi sets himself up for self-destruction and heartbreak. Not that he really knew or wanted to acknowledge the reality at the time.
*
Because everything comes to an end, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi's weird… thing that they have going on is bound to end.
Zhou Mi knows that there's probably some kind of breaking up etiquette that people should try to follow in life, just to not be too much on asshole, but then again he's always refused to put a name on their relationship.
In another setup for self-destruction and heartbreak, Zhou Mi confesses. For all of the complexity and non-spoken agreements going on in their relationship, Zhou Mi's confession is plain simple.
Kyuhyun doesn't say anything back, doesn't even really look at him, if Zhou Mi really wants to go down that road and remember all the little details of how it went down.
"I hate myself like this. I hate that I need you this much," Zhou Mi spits out. I hate that i'm so obsessed with you and you just- don't care. Never cared. Fuck."
"You don't understand," Kyuhyun finally speaks out, back turned to Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi really doesn't want to put too much thought on what that means, really. It means too much, way too much. It's like it summarizes their entire relationship: Zhou Mi being upfront, open about this, and Kyuhyun just rejecting everything.
"You really don't understand," Kyuhyun says again, "it's not easy for me. I need to get married at some point, my parents have expectations for me. I can't- this isn't-"
"Don't even say anything," Zhou Mi manages to stop him before he goes even further. He really can't stomach whatever Kyuhyun was about to say. "You think this is easy for me? You think that I don't have parents? You think that being gay and an idol is easy?" Zhou Mi marks a pause. "Give me a fucking break."
"So what," Kyuhyun starts out, sounding annoyed in a way a petulant child would, "you think it would all get magically easier if we were together?" Kyuhyun snorts and finally turns back to look at Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi liked this better when they didn't have to stare at each other like this.
Zhou Mi does not want this to happen, does not want to be here for this whole ordeal. "Well, at least we'd be in love. We'd get through it together," he looks for his words, feels his throat go tight, "possibly. It could- maybe."
"That's bullshit and you know it," Kyuhyun snarls, "real life isn't like any of these love songs we sing."
*
Real life really isn't like these love songs they sing. Real life isn't to be confused with stage personas and actions.
Zhou Mi spends a large amount of his time trying to re-learn the boundaries that he'd been so accustomed to blur in the past. Encouraged to do so, even. It's an extremely hard and difficult process and Zhou Mi gives up on it altogether relatively quickly.
It's easier to just ignore Kyuhyun entirely and avoid any interaction with him whatsoever. Zhou Mi's not proud of this, he knows he used to be way more resilient, at some point in his life.
He focuses his attention on Heechul scarfing down a plate of pork chops in front of him and feels sick.
*
It's a constant day-to-day struggle. It's not like he can refuse to do his job, there's no way he can afford to do that.
There's a lot of teeth grinding, blank stares and tight smiles involved. For both parties.
*
Super Show 5 is all Zhou Mi could have hoped for. Stage time and supporting fans aside, it's amazing to just be able to follow the rest of the group on tour outside of Asia, for once. He gives all he's got during Ai Se Eu Te Pego - ridiculous choreography had always been his forte - and even risks a glance at Kyuhyun. He gets a quick, almost forced smile in return and he figures that it's as good as it's going to get between the two of the even if Kyuhyun probably only smiled back because of the audience.
The afterparty is held at a Korean restaurant in town and Zhou Mi drinks shot after shot of soju, half because of the celebratory spirit everyone's in and half because Kyuhyun's sitting right across from him and yet he hasn't given him anything but a glare for the past two hours. Zhou Mi raises his eyebrows at him, an unspoken "What's up?" that he hopes passes as casual and innocent. Zhou Mi thinks that it's best to try and keep appearances in front of the rest of the band. He knows better than stirring whatever tension there is between the two of them when they're only getting started with the tour and, somewhat more importantly, when Leeteuk's not around. Despite most of the band fastly approaching their thirties, most of them are still completely useless at handling internal conflicts and disputes without Leeteuk's help and input - or, as they all like to say, without his disappointed glares and motherly tirades about intra-band relationships and the importance of keeping them good and healthy.
Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows back at him, hands his shot glass to Ryeowook who tops it off automatically, without even trying to assess Kyuhyun's drunkenness. He offers to top off Zhou Mi's glass as well and Zhou Mi agrees, extending his arm across the table and shooting a glance at Kyuhyun. The bastard has his patented asshole smirk plastered on his face, raising his shot glass at Zhou Mi in a defiant way. It figures that the first off-stage interaction they have in weeks would be to engage in some sort of drinking competition.
Zhou Mi doesn't really want to get involved with this: he's had a lot to drink already and it's not like drinking past his alcohol tolerance is going to magically solve his and Kyuhyun's problems. But Kyuhyun's smirking and if there's one thing that Zhou Mi always want to do it's to wipe it right off his face, in whatever way he can. So he drinks his shot and immediately grabs the bottle after that, shooting a murderous glance at Kyuhyun. Two can play this game.
"Let me take care of pouring these, I'm older," Zhou Mi offers, "I wouldn't want to be unpolite."
And it's on. It's on through the two bottles of soju they have to order and then through the caipirinhas that the waitresses serve to everyone in their group, on the house, as a welcome to Brazil present.
*
The only logical way for things to go after that is downhill. Really downhill. Rolling down the Everest kind of downhill. They all take vans back to their hotel once dinner is done, Zhou Mi plastering himself to Sungmin's side as they sit in the back row. Someone complains about Zhou Mi taking too much space and not being able to get in the van. Zhou Mi tries his best to move and make some room but apparently fails because the door of the van is shut down and they're off. Whatever, he's happy just sharing the back row with Sungmin.
"You've always been my favorite hyung, y'know that, right? Have I told you before?" Zhou Mi slurs as he shifts to extricate himself from where he was stuck to Sungmin's side. He grabs both of Sungmin's hands in one of his and looks at him with an hopeful and dopey grin.
"Yes, I know, I know," Sungmin says carefully.
"Awesome," Zhou Mi replies happily and he gets closer to Sungmin again, does his best to rest his head against his shoulder despite their height difference.
"Is something up between you and Kyuhyun?" Sungmin asks after a few minutes have passed. Zhou Mi isn't sure whether he fell asleep during that time but he most definitely blacked out. Sungmin's shoulder is so comfortable it might have some superpowers like making you sleep almost instantly. It sounds like a totally awesome power to have.
"What?" He manages to answer, speech still slurred which is why he limits himself to just one word.
"You two looked like you were going to kill each other at dinner and you've just been- weird, lately. Weirder than usual." Sungmin stops for a few beats. "And by lately I mean the past year or so, honestly. Did anything happen?"
"A lot happened," Zhou Mi says abruptly. "I don't really wanna talk about it now but-"
"It's okay, we can talk about it when you're not-" Sungmin trails off, and Zhou Mi finishes his sentence for him.
"Drunk off my ass? Yeah, alright. Thanks for asking, though," Zhou Mi says quietly, "and thanks for looking out for me." Zhou Mi brushes his nose against Sungmin's neck in a gesture that he hopes convey his affection and gratefulness for Sungmin.
*
April 22nd 2013 marks the return of the self-destructive and heartbreak-inducing actions.
Sungmin tucks Zhou Mi into bed, waits a couple of minutes until he figures Zhou Mi's asleep and leaves the room they're sharing. Ryeowook had extended an invitation earlier at the restaurant to hit up bars near the hotel to keep the night alive a little longer.
Zhou Mi's very good at pretending to be asleep though. He's out of bed and staring at himself in the bathroom mirror within seconds.
"You're an idiot," he mutters, reaching for his toothbrush and toothpaste. "A goddamn idiot who just can't fucking quit," he mutters with his mouth full of toothpaste this time.
*
Zhou Mi knocks on Kyuhyun's hotel door, knowing all too well that Ryeowook's not gonna be around. Funny how despite his terrible inebriation, he still picked up on that to elaborate this plan.
Kyuhyun stares at him with no emotion whatsoever showing on his face. Zhou Mi takes this as a cue to shove him against the door, press his hard dick on Kyuhyun's hip and puffing hot puffs of air on his neck.
"Here's what we're gonna do," Zhou Mi says, reaching for Kyuhyun's dick. Kyuhyun doesn't move, doesn't even say anything. "We're gonna fuck, just one last time, and then, maybe, I'll be able to get over your stupid face."
This is possible the worst idea Zhou Mi has ever had. This is probably going to make him swear off alcohol forever.
"Is this a goodbye fuck? After all this time, really?" Kyuhyun asks.
"Yes. And I want to make it clear it's not a pity fuck, I don't need any of that."
"Good to know," Kyuhyun snorts.
"Shut up and get on with the program," Zhou Mi retorts as he starts stroking Kyuhyun's dick. "I've already done prep, we can get this over quick and then you can go back to your life." Zhou Mi says very calmly.
"How romantic of you," Kyuhyun deadpans.
"Like you're one to talk," Zhou Mi spits back.
*
It's not like that drunken fuck in Brazil is a magical cure that changes everything between the two of them. All it does for a moment is make Zhou Mi a little less angry about all of this, which is kind of a good feeling. It's not really closure per se, and Zhou Mi hasn't even considered closure to ever happen for this, but it's good to see that things can change, even if only a little.
The summer of 2014 somehow pushes them together - forces them together, rather. They're both slated to debut in the fall and well, it's universally known that having something in common with someone will make you more likely to talk to them.
And so they talk. It's all very passive-aggressive and lacking in depth. It's still something, even if Zhou Mi flat out refuses to watch any of Kyuhyun's live stages or even listen to his album voluntarily. He stops going to his favorite coffee shop because they start playing Kyuhyun's album on loop the day after it's released.
*
The only kind of closure Zhou Mi ever gets is this:
There's a song he drafts throughout the years. It's about someone, someone special. It's not like all these other kpop love songs. It's about real life, compartmentalization and lines that shouldn't be crossed. It's a song that Zhou Mi, a few years ago, had hoped to see featured on Kyuhyun's hypothetical debut album - back when the song was still devoid of any truly negative feeling.
It's funny how life works out.
Zhou Mi creates a new weibo account under some username that's just a keysmash of numbers and letters and posts a recording of himself singing it.
It's something.
Poll
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: R
Wordcount: 4,250 words
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi
Warnings: None
Summary: the thing is, kyuhyun and zhou mi are parallel lines and them actually meeting can only go badly.
Author's Note: thank you, team! ♥ it's been a wild ride but we all miraculously made it!!
Prompt Used: Danger by Bangtan Boys + this supplementary prompt
Zhou Mi leans back against the railing, ignoring the panoramic view of the city in favor of staring at Kyuhyun.
"Don't you have to be at MBC in, like, 2 hours?" Kyuhyun says with a frown on his face.
"Yeah. It's not like I'm unable to function without sleep though. I'll be fine."
Kyuhyun knows that tone of voice, knows that while Zhou Mi is perfectly capable of functioning with no sleep, the stress and anxiety might prove to be challenging.
"You're gonna do great-" Kyuhyun starts.
"I know," Zhou Mi interrupts, voice clipped. "You don't have to give me a pep-talk. I'm fine." It comes out harsher than he meant to but he doesn't care.
"Celebratory drinks tonight, then?" Kyuhyun offers, feeling very much like he's negotiating some sort of convoluted peace treaty with a not-receptive-at-all other party.
"I already have plans, thanks." And Kyuhyun knows not to say anything more. He had never been one to be good with words, even written ones - songwriting wasn't his thing, and even back in school, he was always better with cold hard numbers than trying to write convincing papers.
*
This is the last Zhou Mi hears or actually sees of Kyuhyun for the next couple of weeks.
congrats on the win reads the text that Kyuhyun sends him. Zhou Mi's thumb hovers between the delete button and the text box. He almost expects Kyuhyun to send another text, one that says: told you you'd do great and almost feels disappointed when he doesn't. Almost. If anything, he just feels vaguely outraged at himself for being so attuned to Kyuhyun's communication patterns.
thanks. good luck for your own solo debut. is what he types back but never sends.
He's still not completely at peace with the fact that Kyuhyun's solo debut is scheduled just a mere weeks after his and it's not jealousy, he tells himself, but deep down, he knows that there's definitely some of it. It's like - this wasn't Kyuhyun's call, it never really is in their line of work, management is always pulling the strings for them. Go stand there, sing, and look pretty.. Try not to look too tired/dead on your feet/nauseous. Don't you dare forget lyrics or a dance move. Smile all the time. That's the subtext you find when you scratch the veneer and it didn't Zhou Mi too long to do so.
So: Zhou Mi's maybe, possibly, quite certainly a bit mad at how his and Kyuhyun's solo debuts are so close to each other. It's not like there's even a single plan of them promoting together, there's no fucking point in doing this, if not just for the sake of working some extra wons in before closing the books of the financial year. And if that was the plan, well, they just shouldn't have gave him an album altogether, Zhou Mi thinks bitterly. It's not like he's a cash-cow, far from that.
Zhou Mi knows all too well that he's just being petty and maybe kind of immature: again, this wasn't Kyuhyun's call and it's not even his proper solo debut. Kyuhyun has had countless musicals and OST songs from dramas in the past that, in theory, this solo album doesn't mean a thing. Zhou Mi doesn't believe in theory.
Zhou Mi remembers the countless times he went to Kyuhyun's musicals' debuts, how he always managed to find time in his schedule - well, it wasn't too hard per se, really - to go to the first night and support him. And yet, the fucker didn't even manage to return the favor and come to his debut stage. This is what you get for being nice to someone in the Korean entertainment industry. Zhou Mi stops his thought process, figures that maybe he didn't make Kyuhyun feel invited. Alright. It's his fault.
(Or maybe it's not really his fault and Kyuhyun just had a conflicting schedule or something. It's always easier to reject the fault on someone else, really. Zhou Mi has become so, so good at it.)
*
Zhou Mi doesn't like to think about how it all began. There are too many things attached to that period of time, too many memories that he's not so fond of and that he'd rather not bring back to the surface. But still. That goddamn pork chops feeding story that he's told the media was definitely a starting point - some sort of starting point. It's a good story to sell to the public: it's light-hearted, fun, cute and it shows the two of them in a good light. Zhou Mi, the new trainee lost in a foreign country dumped into a not-so-ideal group situation; Kyuhyun, the now well-practiced idol who was also, not too long ago, dumped into a not-so-ideal group situation, helping out the new guy and being overall very welcoming, perhaps more than anyone else.
There are other starting points, though. Other moments that he shared with Kyuhyun but that just verge a little too much into private territory to be shared with fans who are, on most days, still not too happy about his mere existence and presence in the Korean idol landscape.
There's that time after the first Super Junior M practice, the very day after news had broken out about the new subunit:
"New beginnings!" Han Geng claps, leaning back against the practice room mirror and looking at his bandmates with an exhausted but content smile on his face. "Let's make this work and take over China!"
Zhou Mi purses his lips, almost wants to dig a hole into the floor and disappear, right here, right now. "New beginnings", more like, The Beginning. Welcome to idolhood, thank you for signing your soul and agreeing to this life of sleep deprivation, fan entitlement and absolutely horrendous and sometimes ridiculous schedules. To his dismay, he doesn't disappear - he feels something tap his shoulder and when he looks to his right, he finds out that it's someone's sneaker. Zhou Mi looks up, finds Kyuhyun looking down at him with a frown on his face.
"So. You're a good singer and you're not too terribly awful at picking up choreographies? Should I be worried about you becoming so popular that you steal all of the spotlight from the rest of us?"
Zhou Mi chuckles nervously and runs a hand through his sweaty hair.
"I'm not too sure about that."
"Ah," Kyuhyun starts. There's a pause that feels too long for Zhou Mi's comfort and then Kyuhyun crouches down and sits on the floor next to him. "Yeah, it might not be so easy. If I was to draw from my own experience... I'd say it's not going to be easy. At all. So, buckle up, this is going to be one long wild ride." There's no hint of joking in Kyuhyun's voice - just a dry feeling of truth that hits Zhou Mi right in the face.
And so maybe that's another good starting point. One moment in time where he and Kyuhyun were able to have a honest heart-to-heart conversation. Nothing to hide and nothing to lose.
So. Zhou Mi doesn't like to think about The Beginning. Doesn't like to think that one of the many things they lost down the road is honesty.
*
The Middle isn't that much better to think about but Zhou Mi can't possibly ignore the last six years of life, so here goes:
Picture guys in their twenties stuck together for most of their time and actually encouraged to simulate being in love with each other for the sake of fans. Imagine where that could possibly lead. No need to have a PhD here, it's easy.
It can only go badly.
The pork chop episode is apparently a good building block for a budding friendship between Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun. It's everything Zhou Mi needs in his life to forget about the fans who aren't really warming up to him. Somehow, they seem to like him a little bit better when he's associated with Kyuhyun. So he goes all out, pours his entire body and heart into becoming a champion at fanservice. It seems to work - it does the trick for a while, at least, until they both start to blur the boundaries between work and personal life.
There's only so much hand-holding, hugging, praising, kissing and bickering you can do with someone else as part of your very time-consuming job before you start believing in it. Even just a little. Going past that tipping point one is kind of like punching a one-way ticket to Problemsville.
*
Here's the scene:
SM Town Live Seoul, 2010.
Zhou Mi gives Kyuhyun what might possibly one of the best hugs he's ever given, hands down. This one will go down in history. There's no real reason behind it: it's a lot of built-up… things - feelings, rather. Zhou Mi hugs Kyuhyun like this is the last time he'll ever hug someone and they're both beaming on stage.
There's an afterparty after the show and it's as rowdy as it can be when you gather all current SM artists in one room, give them an open-bar and no schedules on the following day. It's as good as it gets in the idol world, really.
It feels like one minute Kyuhyun's complaining about the lack of dessert options in the buffet that's set up in a corner of the room, slurred words whispered a little too close to Zhou Mi's ear and the next-
"I should go home with you, it's closer…," Kyuhyun mumbles. "Easier. Yes. I'll do that."
The next, Kyuhyun's stuck to Zhou Mi's side like a very committed barnacle. Zhou Mi tries to argue.
"You can honestly take a cab on your own."
"I've had a lot to drink", Kyuhyun keeps on mumbling, "do you want me to be found dead in my own puke." Kyuhyun doesn't even bother saying this in an interrogative tone. Doesn't even expect an answer, just sticks to Zhou Mi's side and swiftly follows him into the cab that's just pulled up in front of them.
"You better not puke anywhere in the apartment," Zhou Mi grumbles.
There's a lot of pushing and dragging involved as Zhou Mi manhandles Kyuhyun through every step of the apparently very complicated process of walking through the building lobby, getting into the elevator and then through the door of the apartment.
Zhou Mi finally pushes the door closed behind them and reaches out to turn the lights on when Kyuhyun jumps on him, pushes Zhou Mi against the wall and kisses him. That's a lot of coordination and moves for someone who couldn't even stand on their own in the elevator two minutes ago.
Zhou Mi's first instinct is, surprisingly, to kiss him back. In hindsight, it's all but a surprise, just a result of years of well-practiced fanservice that eventually bled into real life. Zhou Mi wonders how long this has been going on for: how long he's possibly been ignoring this brewing inside of himself, how long Kyuhyun has possibly been thinking about doing this.
Kyuhyun pries his lips open with his tongue and it's not that he's a bad kisser but Zhou Mi has to shut this fucking thing down right this second because there's no way Kyuhyun is in any kind of appropriate state to be doing this.
"You're drunk," Zhou Mi enunciates loudly, putting his hands on Kyuhyun's shoulders to both move his body away from his own and hold him into place. "This is not happening." There is no way this is happening, Zhou Mi doesn't say. Doesn't mention that he thinks that for Kyuhyun, this is nothing but a byproduct of his drunkenness. Nothing else.
Kyuhyun looks up at him with glassy drunken eyes, protesting: "No, I really mean this." His voice is just barely over a whisper, contrasting with Zhou Mi's earlier loud exclamation. Zhou Mi wants to believe this, wants this.
And so he moves his hands from Kyuhyun's shoulders to his hips, presses their bodies flush together and dives his head down again, going in for the kiss.
*
Zhou Mi really, really doesn't like to think about The Middle either.
If The Beginning was bad enough, The Middle is just a series of occurrences where Zhou Mi sets himself up for self-destruction and heartbreak. Not that he really knew or wanted to acknowledge the reality at the time.
*
Because everything comes to an end, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi's weird… thing that they have going on is bound to end.
Zhou Mi knows that there's probably some kind of breaking up etiquette that people should try to follow in life, just to not be too much on asshole, but then again he's always refused to put a name on their relationship.
In another setup for self-destruction and heartbreak, Zhou Mi confesses. For all of the complexity and non-spoken agreements going on in their relationship, Zhou Mi's confession is plain simple.
Kyuhyun doesn't say anything back, doesn't even really look at him, if Zhou Mi really wants to go down that road and remember all the little details of how it went down.
"I hate myself like this. I hate that I need you this much," Zhou Mi spits out. I hate that i'm so obsessed with you and you just- don't care. Never cared. Fuck."
"You don't understand," Kyuhyun finally speaks out, back turned to Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi really doesn't want to put too much thought on what that means, really. It means too much, way too much. It's like it summarizes their entire relationship: Zhou Mi being upfront, open about this, and Kyuhyun just rejecting everything.
"You really don't understand," Kyuhyun says again, "it's not easy for me. I need to get married at some point, my parents have expectations for me. I can't- this isn't-"
"Don't even say anything," Zhou Mi manages to stop him before he goes even further. He really can't stomach whatever Kyuhyun was about to say. "You think this is easy for me? You think that I don't have parents? You think that being gay and an idol is easy?" Zhou Mi marks a pause. "Give me a fucking break."
"So what," Kyuhyun starts out, sounding annoyed in a way a petulant child would, "you think it would all get magically easier if we were together?" Kyuhyun snorts and finally turns back to look at Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi liked this better when they didn't have to stare at each other like this.
Zhou Mi does not want this to happen, does not want to be here for this whole ordeal. "Well, at least we'd be in love. We'd get through it together," he looks for his words, feels his throat go tight, "possibly. It could- maybe."
"That's bullshit and you know it," Kyuhyun snarls, "real life isn't like any of these love songs we sing."
*
Real life really isn't like these love songs they sing. Real life isn't to be confused with stage personas and actions.
Zhou Mi spends a large amount of his time trying to re-learn the boundaries that he'd been so accustomed to blur in the past. Encouraged to do so, even. It's an extremely hard and difficult process and Zhou Mi gives up on it altogether relatively quickly.
It's easier to just ignore Kyuhyun entirely and avoid any interaction with him whatsoever. Zhou Mi's not proud of this, he knows he used to be way more resilient, at some point in his life.
He focuses his attention on Heechul scarfing down a plate of pork chops in front of him and feels sick.
*
It's a constant day-to-day struggle. It's not like he can refuse to do his job, there's no way he can afford to do that.
There's a lot of teeth grinding, blank stares and tight smiles involved. For both parties.
*
Super Show 5 is all Zhou Mi could have hoped for. Stage time and supporting fans aside, it's amazing to just be able to follow the rest of the group on tour outside of Asia, for once. He gives all he's got during Ai Se Eu Te Pego - ridiculous choreography had always been his forte - and even risks a glance at Kyuhyun. He gets a quick, almost forced smile in return and he figures that it's as good as it's going to get between the two of the even if Kyuhyun probably only smiled back because of the audience.
The afterparty is held at a Korean restaurant in town and Zhou Mi drinks shot after shot of soju, half because of the celebratory spirit everyone's in and half because Kyuhyun's sitting right across from him and yet he hasn't given him anything but a glare for the past two hours. Zhou Mi raises his eyebrows at him, an unspoken "What's up?" that he hopes passes as casual and innocent. Zhou Mi thinks that it's best to try and keep appearances in front of the rest of the band. He knows better than stirring whatever tension there is between the two of them when they're only getting started with the tour and, somewhat more importantly, when Leeteuk's not around. Despite most of the band fastly approaching their thirties, most of them are still completely useless at handling internal conflicts and disputes without Leeteuk's help and input - or, as they all like to say, without his disappointed glares and motherly tirades about intra-band relationships and the importance of keeping them good and healthy.
Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows back at him, hands his shot glass to Ryeowook who tops it off automatically, without even trying to assess Kyuhyun's drunkenness. He offers to top off Zhou Mi's glass as well and Zhou Mi agrees, extending his arm across the table and shooting a glance at Kyuhyun. The bastard has his patented asshole smirk plastered on his face, raising his shot glass at Zhou Mi in a defiant way. It figures that the first off-stage interaction they have in weeks would be to engage in some sort of drinking competition.
Zhou Mi doesn't really want to get involved with this: he's had a lot to drink already and it's not like drinking past his alcohol tolerance is going to magically solve his and Kyuhyun's problems. But Kyuhyun's smirking and if there's one thing that Zhou Mi always want to do it's to wipe it right off his face, in whatever way he can. So he drinks his shot and immediately grabs the bottle after that, shooting a murderous glance at Kyuhyun. Two can play this game.
"Let me take care of pouring these, I'm older," Zhou Mi offers, "I wouldn't want to be unpolite."
And it's on. It's on through the two bottles of soju they have to order and then through the caipirinhas that the waitresses serve to everyone in their group, on the house, as a welcome to Brazil present.
*
The only logical way for things to go after that is downhill. Really downhill. Rolling down the Everest kind of downhill. They all take vans back to their hotel once dinner is done, Zhou Mi plastering himself to Sungmin's side as they sit in the back row. Someone complains about Zhou Mi taking too much space and not being able to get in the van. Zhou Mi tries his best to move and make some room but apparently fails because the door of the van is shut down and they're off. Whatever, he's happy just sharing the back row with Sungmin.
"You've always been my favorite hyung, y'know that, right? Have I told you before?" Zhou Mi slurs as he shifts to extricate himself from where he was stuck to Sungmin's side. He grabs both of Sungmin's hands in one of his and looks at him with an hopeful and dopey grin.
"Yes, I know, I know," Sungmin says carefully.
"Awesome," Zhou Mi replies happily and he gets closer to Sungmin again, does his best to rest his head against his shoulder despite their height difference.
"Is something up between you and Kyuhyun?" Sungmin asks after a few minutes have passed. Zhou Mi isn't sure whether he fell asleep during that time but he most definitely blacked out. Sungmin's shoulder is so comfortable it might have some superpowers like making you sleep almost instantly. It sounds like a totally awesome power to have.
"What?" He manages to answer, speech still slurred which is why he limits himself to just one word.
"You two looked like you were going to kill each other at dinner and you've just been- weird, lately. Weirder than usual." Sungmin stops for a few beats. "And by lately I mean the past year or so, honestly. Did anything happen?"
"A lot happened," Zhou Mi says abruptly. "I don't really wanna talk about it now but-"
"It's okay, we can talk about it when you're not-" Sungmin trails off, and Zhou Mi finishes his sentence for him.
"Drunk off my ass? Yeah, alright. Thanks for asking, though," Zhou Mi says quietly, "and thanks for looking out for me." Zhou Mi brushes his nose against Sungmin's neck in a gesture that he hopes convey his affection and gratefulness for Sungmin.
*
April 22nd 2013 marks the return of the self-destructive and heartbreak-inducing actions.
Sungmin tucks Zhou Mi into bed, waits a couple of minutes until he figures Zhou Mi's asleep and leaves the room they're sharing. Ryeowook had extended an invitation earlier at the restaurant to hit up bars near the hotel to keep the night alive a little longer.
Zhou Mi's very good at pretending to be asleep though. He's out of bed and staring at himself in the bathroom mirror within seconds.
"You're an idiot," he mutters, reaching for his toothbrush and toothpaste. "A goddamn idiot who just can't fucking quit," he mutters with his mouth full of toothpaste this time.
*
Zhou Mi knocks on Kyuhyun's hotel door, knowing all too well that Ryeowook's not gonna be around. Funny how despite his terrible inebriation, he still picked up on that to elaborate this plan.
Kyuhyun stares at him with no emotion whatsoever showing on his face. Zhou Mi takes this as a cue to shove him against the door, press his hard dick on Kyuhyun's hip and puffing hot puffs of air on his neck.
"Here's what we're gonna do," Zhou Mi says, reaching for Kyuhyun's dick. Kyuhyun doesn't move, doesn't even say anything. "We're gonna fuck, just one last time, and then, maybe, I'll be able to get over your stupid face."
This is possible the worst idea Zhou Mi has ever had. This is probably going to make him swear off alcohol forever.
"Is this a goodbye fuck? After all this time, really?" Kyuhyun asks.
"Yes. And I want to make it clear it's not a pity fuck, I don't need any of that."
"Good to know," Kyuhyun snorts.
"Shut up and get on with the program," Zhou Mi retorts as he starts stroking Kyuhyun's dick. "I've already done prep, we can get this over quick and then you can go back to your life." Zhou Mi says very calmly.
"How romantic of you," Kyuhyun deadpans.
"Like you're one to talk," Zhou Mi spits back.
*
It's not like that drunken fuck in Brazil is a magical cure that changes everything between the two of them. All it does for a moment is make Zhou Mi a little less angry about all of this, which is kind of a good feeling. It's not really closure per se, and Zhou Mi hasn't even considered closure to ever happen for this, but it's good to see that things can change, even if only a little.
The summer of 2014 somehow pushes them together - forces them together, rather. They're both slated to debut in the fall and well, it's universally known that having something in common with someone will make you more likely to talk to them.
And so they talk. It's all very passive-aggressive and lacking in depth. It's still something, even if Zhou Mi flat out refuses to watch any of Kyuhyun's live stages or even listen to his album voluntarily. He stops going to his favorite coffee shop because they start playing Kyuhyun's album on loop the day after it's released.
*
The only kind of closure Zhou Mi ever gets is this:
There's a song he drafts throughout the years. It's about someone, someone special. It's not like all these other kpop love songs. It's about real life, compartmentalization and lines that shouldn't be crossed. It's a song that Zhou Mi, a few years ago, had hoped to see featured on Kyuhyun's hypothetical debut album - back when the song was still devoid of any truly negative feeling.
It's funny how life works out.
Zhou Mi creates a new weibo account under some username that's just a keysmash of numbers and letters and posts a recording of himself singing it.
It's something.
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