Round 18: When It Rains
Title: When It Rains
Team: Future
Rating: R
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan, Xiumin/Hakyeon
Summary: The moral of the story is that in the end, shit happens and life goes on. Some people are just more in love with their memories than the person standing in front of them, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.
Warnings: angst, broken relationships, crossover pairing.
Author's Note: This has been an eventful ride with a lot of big road bumps. Thank you so goddamn much to my qtpies for sticking with me. I love you all so much.
Prompt Used: Lim Kim - All Right, and both supplementary prompts
'What follows is the story of a boy once young and still relatively young - a tale of desperation, of lies, of pasts becoming present and of moving on.
At first this may seem like a love story. A sad one, but still a love story. I'd like you to keep in mind that as the narrator for 500 Days Of Summer once said, "You should know upfront, that this is not a love story."
Indeed, this is a story of our characters; of real life, and you may see some love in there. You may see a lot of it, but that isn't the main focus.
Let's introduce our first character, shall we?
His name is Hakyeon, and he's tall in the eyes of some, but short in the eyes of his group. A man not afraid to show his emotions, not afraid to reach out for others, to be his own unique human being. The kind of man that nurtures others but lacks nurturing of his own, a true Cancer to the core. Hakyeon takes the leader position of VIXX, a popular Korean-pop boy group, and is known by the fans as the smooth, sexy member - and more commonly, Taekwoon's shadow.
It's ironic, how a character such as this one becomes a crutch for another important character, someone who is used to the clingy, nurturing needs of another - but lacks someone to nurture.
Our next character is named Minseok. He is short in the eyes of everyone, but a mountain in the eyes of one. Put on a worshipping pedestal only to fall off with no one in sight to catch him. He doesn't blame others for what occurs in his life, quietly and carefully curling into himself, into contemplative depressed bouts of insecurity, unshed tears and glittering eyes.
Minseok was once the part of a hugely popular Korean-pop group. One might arguably say it was one of the most popular in existence. 'We are one' was their catchphrase, said in times when they truly were one, said in times when they were only ten, and then said in times when not a single one of them believed it. Instead they choke out the words with tears in their eyes, wearily traipsing back to their dormitory with the kind of reluctance only broken men can have.
Minseok is a strong man, good at working through his issues, a master of disguise, but life brings him down just like it does the rest. The heightened schedules, the broken friendships, the nights spent retching his soul out into an empty toilet bowl. He envied Hakyeon, someone who is indeed under pressure, but nevertheless lacks the pressure they do.
He envied our third character for getting out of it all, for living his fluttering life in China, and he despises our third character for leaving him alone in the hell of his own life, for running in a time when they were all sick, when they all suffered.
"I could pay out your contract you know."
But he never understood, never actually saw into Minseok, like our dear fox man used to think. This never stops the bouts of loneliness, the moments of craving for that hand that used to always be on his shoulder, comforting, light.
This also never stops the moments of bitterness, the moments of remembering when that hand held on too tight, only to tear itself away forever.
This hand belongs to our third character, and perhaps the most sorrowful of them all. Lu Han is an interesting human being, both completely altruistic and completely selfish. He loves with a kind of selfless greed, in a completely hypocritical fashion.
He wants to protect but also be protected, wants to hold but also to be held. In short, Lu Han is as human as one can get, despite his ethereal appearance. Lu Han has only been in love once and ran away from love once. He didn't run because of the person he was in love with. No, he ran because he is selfish, and because he needed a way out - from the company, from the group, from himself. And this unfortunately seemed to include our second character.
Our third character ran for his life, ran from his life. Don't misread Lu Han. Deleting his contacts list was the hardest thing he ever did - harder than filing a lawsuit, harder than facing his cold-faced parents after years of disobedience.
No contact. No calls. No texts.
They still know of each other of course, still occasionally check movie trailers, and Lu Han had smiled, a dazzling smile only saved for Minseok, when he’d heard about our second character's cafe. He’d always known Minseok could achieve his dream.
He, however, does not smile when Yixing, a minor character in the mess that is this story, tells him in passing that characters one and two are together. He allows himself to be dragged back into a past that he doesn't want to remember, away from a future that he created - that he regrets creating.
If you were to speak to both characters two and three, they would tell you that they're both completely all right. They're always all right.
"I'm happy," Minseok will tell you. "I have a new life now. I have my dreams, I'm content and I have Hakyeon."
"I'm happy," Lu Han will tell you. "I have a new movie coming out in a month, and I just moved into a new place. I might even have a date with that cute co-star that always blushes around me. I also get some time off to go visit old places and old faces! Isn't that exciting?"
("I'm happy also," Hakyeon will pipe up from where he's half-sitting, half-lying on the couch, playing with his boyfriend's fingers; a rare day off from hectic idol life. "I have Minseok, and VIXX keeps getting bigger and better. Also free coffee.")
One of these two people is lying, and the other is about to retract his statement. Or is he?
A long time apart from someone can convince you that you've forgotten them, when in reality they've just been pushed back in your mind, waiting to pounce at the first opportunity.
This opportunity comes when Lu Han stumbles into a random cafe to escape the rain, and realizes, after he looks up into a very familiar wide eyed gaze, that this isn't just any random cafe.
Thus, starts the story of our three characters- two tangled in a years long mess, and one accidentally along for the ride.
When It Rains
×
It’s raining, drops hitting the pavement with splashes so loud they seem to drown out the traffic. For once the streets of Seoul are nearly empty, a few people here and there darting into buildings or hiding under swaying umbrellas.
One figure in particular has no buildings to duck into and he curses under his breath, wondering why today of all days he's decided to leave his hotel and venture out into the city.
He hasn't brought an umbrella, has no plan B. Lu Han looks up, blinking through the falling water around him, ignoring the few curious stares and muffled calls of his name he gets from the fangirls who have braved the storm to follow him.
Lu Han is a little perplexed that he still has fans in Korea, that they still call out to him with the same enthusiasm. It makes him a bit nostalgic, makes him remember the early days of his career. He smiles, albeit a bit sadly, and chooses to rush through the door of a small cafe, one that's out of the way and reminds him of mornings spent with a special someone.
Lu Han blinks the rain out of his eyes as he walks in, fighting off the urge to shake himself like a dog, squinting through his sopping fringe, wishing he'd gotten it cut when he'd arrived in Seoul; it's getting way too long.
Lu Han glances around the basically empty cafe and fights back a grin. The interior is cosy, almost perfect, with comfy looking chairs and low tables, high ceiling and an overall feeling of home. Lu Han timidly walks up to the counter, hoping to ask the working barista if they have any towels.
He doesn't see anyone at first, the area behind the counter empty, and Lu Han frowns, assuming it's just because the cafe is devoid of customers and not because of bad service. He tentatively calls out a greeting.
"Hello? Is anyone working?"
A second after he speaks, Lu Han hears a startled crash coming from what he figures is the back room, and his eyes widen. He hadn't meant to startle anyone. He's about to open his mouth again to say a quick apology when the sight of the man before him has his words and his breath catching in his throat.
The man is shorter, youthful looking and would be mistaken for someone twice as young if he wasn't so nicely built; even more so than the last time Lu Han had seen him. Lu Han gulps, taking a step backwards, prepared to disappear out the door and away from the man looking up at him with curious eyes and nervously wringing hands.
"Lu Han?"
Minseok sounds hesitant, unsure, and Lu Han sighs before turning back around and approaching the counter again, not daring to make eye contact with the man. Years worth of regret, longing and painful nostalgia lodging it's way in his throat and continuing down to his lungs.
"Um, hi," Lu Han says, fidgeting with the cuffs of his still soaking wet shirt. He looks up, regretting it immediately when he makes eye contact with Minseok, but the other man just looks slightly amused, lips upturned in a grin, and Lu Han relaxes. Maybe it won't be so ... bad this time.
"How have you been? It's been a long time," Minseok says, dipping below the counter to rummage for something. Lu Han isn't really sure how to answer him, frowning slightly and biting his lip. He feels like a nervous teenager right now, and he hates it.
"I've been okay," Lu Han answers as Minseok hops back up with two white towels, grinning as he passes them over. Lu Han just stands there for a second looking lost before continuing. "I moved back to Korea indefinitely. Taking a break from work."
Minseok looks at him in surprise, pausing before walking around the counter and into the actual cafe, motioning for Lu Han to dry himself off and sit down. Lu Han does so at top speed, not daring to even think of how his hair's turned out. He sits down across from Minseok, fixing his gaze on the paintings decorating the establishment and not the man in front of him.
"As you can see, I opened my cafe," Minseok says, waving his hands around nonchalantly, though Lu Han, even after all this time, can catch the smile on his lips and the brief pride in his voice.
Lu Han nods. "Yixing told me. He said that you and Hakyeon split the costs?"
Minseok blinks, taken aback by the name Lu Han has just dropped, and purses his lips in confusion.
"You know about Hakyeon?" he says, and Lu Han wants to scowl at the tone in his voice. It’s one he knows well.
"Well yeah, Yixing told me that as well."
"Ah..." Minseok trails off, lips still pursed, and Lu Han fights back the urge to roll his eyes. "I was going to mention it but I wasn't sure how you would-"
"React?" Lu Han cuts him off, bitterness coming through in his tone, and Minseok frowns.
"Yeah, I'm not sure if you would be okay with-"
"It's been four years, Minseok. I haven't just spent the time moping around in China." Lu han cuts him off again, biting his words out, and Minseok's eyes go wide. "I don't care about you and your new boyfriend."
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure. I'm sorry." Minseok sounds a little quieter now, looking at the table rather than Lu Han. Guilt seeps through Lu Han. He's been too rude. "I know you've moved on. I'm not dumb. I just want to make sure you're okay with it."
"You don't need my permission," Lu Han snorts, before sucking in a breath and sighing. "Sorry. I've just had a really long day and I wasn't expecting to run into you. I'm glad you're happy, Minseok."
Minseok smiles, seeming appeased by Lu Han's sincerity, and spends a long time just watching him, before nodding and rising to his feet.
"The rain's stopped so you should be good to go back out. I need to close up the cafe now, but I'm glad we've had the chance to talk." Minseok fumbles around with his apron before bringing out a pen and waving Lu Han over, grabbing his wrist and scribbling some numbers on it. "If you need a friend since you're back in Seoul, you can always come by to catch up."
Lu Han leaves the cafe with a weird feeling in his heart, a suffocating squeeze that he thought would never return, thought was over. He glances at the numbers on his wrist, washes them off without writing them down, without plugging them into his phone, staring at himself in his mirror before shaking his head and going to sleep.
He doesn't need the pain of his past to come back and haunt his present, but he knows it's a lost cause when he falls asleep thinking of the soft brown hair and sharp eyes that once belonged to him and now belong to another.
Minseok is still beautiful.
×
Lu Han doesn't think of Minseok for a while, going about a new daily life in Korea, meeting up with old friends and old members, catching up on all the things he's missed. There's something oddly comforting in knowing that EXO is no more, in knowing that he's not just a 'member that left' anymore, because now, everyone's done just that.
He sits in a cafe with Sehun and laughs with him over something on Sehun's phone, nods enthusiastically at photos of Jongin's newest puppies, politely shakes the hand of Chanyeol's fiancé, and sits on the floor of Joonmyun's house, cooing at his baby girl.
Something feels off though, and it's only when Lu Han skypes Yixing that he realizes exactly what it is. Yixing isn't alone, but with a Chinese man, tall and good-looking - his long term boyfriend.
Lu Han hangs up with a heavy heart that night. Seoul suddenly feels lonely, and now he knows why.
Everyone is settling down. Everyone has someone or something - a path in life, a goal, things to do and things to remember, and Lu Han is just here. He doesn't have a path, a plan, and he doesn't even have anyone to properly tell his problems to. He drags a hand across his face in frustration, and finds his mind wandering to Minseok.
Minseok had once been all of these things for Lu Han - his purpose, his constant, everything he ever needed. And then Lu Han got sick, got depressed, and his parents wanted him home. China wanted him home.
Lu Han had gone, naively and in a rush, leaving behind an entire life, telling himself that everything would be better, that he'd be happier, and that he and Minseok would be okay. They could skype, they could text, they could call. Maybe one day Minseok could visit him, and they could lay in each others arms once more.
None of that ever really happened. They ceased to talk, ceased to communicate, and Minseok had left him, with words that Lu Han would never forget.
"It's not like I'm really leaving you. You left me a year ago."
Lu Han has no self control, no emotional walls or barriers, has always been an open book, waiting to be read, waiting for familiar, warm hands to turn his pages and set him down gently.
The next time it rains, Lu Han is walking down the street, uncaring about getting wet. The rain is light, and the sky is still bright, the sun peeking through a break in the clouds. Lu Han holds out a hand to catch the drops; finds himself thinking about the cafe, and he glances inside as he passes by, noticing that it's empty once again, and his heart betrays him as he pushes open the door and enters, walking up to the counter with more confidence this time.
This time, Minseok isn't alone and Lu Han greets Hakyeon with fake enthusiasm that he prays Minseok doesn't see through. He laughs and chats with the man, trying to keep his eyes off the way the two fit together comfortably in the closed cafe. he calm, loving atmosphere makes Lu Han want to run away, but he stays.
Smile.
It's okay.
You’ve moved on, remember?
And it's not like Lu Han doesn't like Hakyeon. In fact, he's quite fond of the other man. Lu Han remembers him from various music shows and events. Hakyeon was always kind, always ready to be a friend. It's just that Hakyeon is with Minseok and Lu Han would be lying if he says it doesn't bother him. He’s always lying, to everyone, to himself.
Halfway through his visit, Lu Han gets a call from his agent. He has another movie offer - a big Hollywood one, a lead role at that - but he calmly declines, says he's on hiatus, is living somewhere else.
His agent freaks out, yells that Lu Han's career is going to be over, and that Korea will ruin him once again, and Lu Han wants to say that no, Korea has nothing to do with it. He has to force himself to not look across the table at the reason itself, currently occupied with whispering into Hakyeon's ear.
In a sudden bad mood, more so than when he'd walked in to find Hakyeon lounging over the counter, Lu Han stands up quickly, saying he needs to go. Minseok just nods, looking mildly concerned in a way that tells Lu Han it's just common courtesy, and Lu Han wonders if Minseok actually wants to be his friend, or if he'd just scrawled his number out of obligation.
×
For some reason though, Lu Han keeps going back. Every time it rains he finds himself standing outside Minseok’s cafe, split second hesitation hitting him; but not deterring him from entering. They have the same greeting every time, Lu Han ordering the same drink and Minseok telling him to sit down so they can talk.
Sometimes Hakyeon is there -- he mostly isn’t-- but Minseok is always willing, always seems genuinely pleased to see Lu Han there. After a month of visiting a couple times a week, Lu Han begins to think this whole being friends thing isn’t half bad.
Minseok sometimes asks him about that. Why he only comes to visit when it rains, but Lu Han can’t really answer. Just shrugs and says the rain reminds him of the cafe, and of Minseok. Minseok raises an eyebrow at this, playfully hitting Lu Han and tells him that he never changed, that he’s just as weird as he’s always been; making Lu Han’s stomach squeeze tightly, painfully.
Living in Seoul again, wandering the streets alone and talking to Minseok again has made him fall back in love; well, not that he ever truly fell out to begin with, but it’s there again. Strong, suffocating, pushing him down.
Lu Han doesn’t stop. He keeps digging himself a deeper hole, wishes he could be brave and reach out, touch Minseok when they sit, --close but not too close-- on the lounging couches of his cafe, wishes that the fond looks Minseok gives Hakyeon could once again be directed at himself.
Lu Han knows this won’t happen. He’s not dumb, he’s not naive, at least not anymore. He knows how the world works, and he knows how cruel it is, and so he keeps going back, keeps breaking his own heart repeatedly.
×
The day everything changes is not a spectacular day by any means. It’s a normal day, just like every other, save for the rolling thunder and heavy hitting rain. For once, Lu Han doesn’t end up in the cafe on purpose, running inside to save himself from the crashing noise and drenching drops. He’s slightly panicking when he asks Minseok for a towel, cursing out loud at the rain.
He has a meeting with his agent in Seoul, about his contract and whether he wants to terminate it or return to China to continue his activities. Lu Han can’t miss this, can’t be late.
“You can’t just reschedule?” Minseok asks, rolling his eyes, and grabbing Lu Han’s wrist, drying his hair for him with a familiarity that has Lu Han’s emotions twisting in a way that has nothing to do with his missed meeting.
“I could, but the more I put this off the less uncertain everything is.” Lu Han sucks in a deep breath, eyes wide and fearful, collapsing onto the couch. He’s frowning deeply, not noticing the drink Minseok places in front of him. “I don’t know if I even want to go back, Min. How am I supposed to decide in an hour long meeting? But I have to.”
Minseok sits down beside him --not close but too close-- and fixes Lu Han with a patient, concerned look. It’s one that Lu Han remembers well, having received it many times; backstage, onstage, in dressing rooms. It’s different now, not accompanied by Minseok’s hand in his own rubbing comforting circles into his palms. Minseok isn’t threading fingers through his hair to calm his nerves, or placing gentle kisses to his lips, and this just makes everything worse as Lu Han buries his face into his arms.
Lu Han hates thunderstorms, always has, and it fuels his annoyance with the day. He can’t hide the desperation he’s been hiding, that he sees reflected in Yixing’s eyes when they skype.
Lu Han doesn’t have a plan, doesn’t have a set future, has forgotten how to do his own job, how to be an idol, an actor, a singer. He’s hiding in his past, in a city he once vowed never to return to, sitting next to a person he never should have spoken to again.
Fate works in mysterious ways, and Lu Han flinches in shock when a hand comes to rest on his head, fingers soothing, natural, too intimate for a pair of old friends. He slowly looks up at his ex-groupmate, ex-lover, and ex-best friend with pleading eyes, taking his chance when Minseok opens his arms in welcome. Lu Han buries himself in the one person that’s ever made him feel safe.
Home.
Not Beijing, not his parents house or his own apartment, and definitely not Seoul.
Minseok is the one place he’s ever felt at home, and the one place he ever will feel at home, and Lu Han blinks back tears as he pulls away out of Minseok’s embrace, staring at him intensely.
“Do you feel better now?” Minseok asks quietly, and Lu Han hears the apprehension in his tone. It’s an acknowledgement that Minseok knows he’s crossed into an old territory he probably shouldn’t have. Lu Han nods, slowly, hesitantly; only half lying.
They sit in silence, looking at each other, Minseok’s eyes are still the same as they always have been; betraying nothing of his true emotion, large, clear and appraising. Lu Han thinks he might see some warmth seeping through them, might see that same affection he once knew well.
Lu Han knows his eyes betray everything, have always betrayed everything, emotions clear on his face, in his gaze. He sighs, not an annoyed sigh, but a resigned sigh, wringing his hands together in anxiety before looking down and back up.
“I miss you.” Lu Han says, voice wavering, eyes sparkling with unsaid words, held back feeling, tinged with bitterness, and he sees Minseok blink, sees him slump into the back of the couch a little, gaze still unreadable.
“You’re talking to me right now,” is Minseok’s only reply and Lu Han wants to snort at him, wants to roll his eyes, but he only runs a hand through his own hair, through the still damp strands.
“You know what I mean Minseok.”
It’s Minseok’s turn to sigh, and even this is an unreadable action. Minseok sits back up, no longer slumping, and Lu Han thinks he’s about to get up, about to tell Lu Han to leave, but instead the other man reaches out and places a hand over the one in Lu Han’s hair, gently pulling it to himself. He caresses Lu Han’s cheek in another familiar manner, soft and almost loving, making Lu Han’s breath catch in his throat.
Minseok pulls away too quickly, as if he’s burned himself, and Lu Han feels a lump form, struggles to breathe through the overwhelming feeling in his chest. He rises to his feet, gathering his things as quickly as he can. It’s only when he’s about to push open the door, and bolt down the street that he hears Minseok’s answer, quiet but firm.
“I know,” the voice behind him says slowly, still careful, but this time there’s an emotion there; one Lu Han can’t place. “I miss you too.”
Lu Han walks fast now, completely ignoring the storm, letting himself be soaked to the bone as he goes. He only stops to stutter out an apology when he bumps into someone on the sidewalk, looking up to see that it’s none other than Hakyeon; on his way to see his boyfriend.
“Hey! Lu Han!” Hakyeon greets him cheerfully, friendly hand on his arm stopping him from making a proper escape and Lu Han feels some kind of guilt twist through him. “The rain is awful. You should come by the cafe and dry off.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m actually in a hurry. I have a meeting with my agent.” Lu han shakes his head, hoping he doesn’t come off wild and desperate, motioning in some direction he’s not entirely sure of, and doesn’t wait for Hakyeon’s answer before walking away, just as swiftly as before.
×
He doesn’t go back to the cafe for a while after that. It's not even that he's avoiding Minseok. No, it's more like he's avoiding his own feelings at this point.
It's all Hakyeon’s fault, is what Lu Han tells himself. If Hakyeon wasn't dating Minseok, wasn't around, Minseoks behaviour wouldn't be alarming, would be welcomed. Minseok has a boyfriend. Minseok has a boyfriend and Lu Han is his ex.
Maybe Lu Han’s a bit of a bad person because two weeks later he finds himself walking into the cafe. He’s a little startled that for once there are a litter of customers right before closing time.
Giggling twenty-something's, old fans of what was once EXO here to greet Minseok. Regulars it seems, because Minseok smiles warmly at them and calls them by name, only a little bit shy.
Lu Han looks curiously on, holding his breath when they glance at him, recognition glowing in their eyes, but they continue on without speaking to him.
"You're still getting all the female attention I see," Lu Han teases, after they've finally gone and the cafe resumes its simple atmosphere. He sits at one of the bar stools watching Minseok cleaning the machines.
"So do you!" Minseok says defensively, but with no malice in his tone. "I've watched your shows on TV. People fall all over you."
"You've watched my shows?" Lu Han tries not to sound hopeful, but he knows his own voice has betrayed him when Minseok stills a bit, licking his lips nervously.
"Sometimes," is the only answer he gets before Minseok changes the subject quickly, asking him how he's been. "Hakyeon says he saw you the other day but you kept walking."
"I don't remember that," Lu Han says, even though he does clearly remember pretending not to hear Hakyeon, looking straight ahead and walking faster. "I must not have heard him, I'm sorry."
"Oh no, there's no need to apologize." Minseok waves a cloth at him, eyes bright. "Things happen. I was sad to not have you around here though. I got used to it."
Minseok’s words are simple, normal words that could be be used in any regular conversation between friends, but Lu Han hears the veiled question behind Minseok’s statement. is it because of what happened?
"I've just been busy dealing with...things."
Lu Hans answer is vague, but seems to be the answer Minseok expects, and Lu Han gets a sad, almost strained smile in return as Minseok sits beside him at the bar.
They sit in silence for a bit before Lu Han is startled out of his nervous thoughts by a light touch on his knee. He jumps at the contact and glances at Minseok, confusion apparent in his eyes.
Minseoks face is unreadable but his hand never leaves Lu Han’s knee, and he sighs as something that might be guilt flashes across his eyes.
"Do you want to come over?" Minseok blurts out, eyes widening at the implications of his own words and he backtracks quickly. "I mean, we always hang out at my cafe and my condo’s a lot comfier."
Lu Han doesn’t give Minseok an answer right away, emotions and thoughts bursting through him. He's never seen Minseoks new condo, has only ever seen Minseok’s room when they lived in a dorm together -- twelve, sometimes six, occasionally eleven-- and everything really has changed, time has passed, things are different now.
Minseok has a boyfriend now, and Lu Han is a Chinese movie star, but a lot of the time Lu Han is still that scared teenager. The same one that met Minseok outside in the rain during training. He’s still the same terrified twenty-two year old, gripping another just as terrified twenty-two year old’s hand before they go on stage for something that changes their lives forever.
Lu Han wants to know if under all the maturity, under the cafe and the quietness, if Minseok is still the same shy, chubby boy he once was, still possesses the same fears and the same desires. Lu Han doubts this, doubts everything in this split second, but can’t stop the words from leaving his mouth, the confirmation, the agreement he shouldn’t be making.
×
Minseok’s apartment is nice. High ceilings, sparse decorations, not too big, and not too small. It reminds Lu Han of Minseok right away and he smiles as he glances around, sitting on the edge of the couch fidgeting with his hands.
The conversation is awkward, but Minseok seems different. His casual touches linger as he talks, he stares more intense than usual, and Lu Han is nervous, jitters working their way into his stomach as Minseok moves too close, but not close enough.
Lu Han almost squeaks in shock when Minseok plucks his water glass from his hands, moving so close that Lu Han can feel his breath. Lu Han turns to look directly at him, confusion apparent.
"I'm..." Minseok starts to speak, but pauses immediately, licking his lips, giving Lu Han a look that seems to search him. Then it happens.
Minseok is suddenly kissing him, hand firm on the back of his neck, wasting no time as his tongue pushes it's way in, giving Lu Han no time to breathe, no time to think clearly.
He's being pushed down into the cushions with a desperation he's never expected Minseok to have. Lu Han thinks that this probably isn't right, and the satisfying feeling of finally having Minseok's lips against his own, of finally feeling those arms hold him down is snapped as quickly as it appears by overwhelming guilt; overwhelming panic. Lu Han plants his palms on Minseok's chest, pushing him away.
"Minseok, why are you doing this? You can't." Lu Han blurts out, surprised at the breathlessness of his own voice, at the way it wavers. He wants this, he really does, but it's come out of nowhere at the wrong time, and Lu Han's mind just repeats.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
That's what this is. Wrong.
"I don't care, Lu Han. Just let me," Minseok replies, voice just as breathless. Lu Han props himself up on his elbows,stares at Minseok, eyes flickering to the side once before pulling his ex back down on top of him, sealing both their lips and his decision together.
They both gasp at the first roll of Minseok's hips, their bodies just as excited as their hearts at this reunion. Lu Han knows this is wrong, feels the guilt flow through him, briefly wondering if Minseok feels the same guilt. Every thought is washed from his body in the next moment though when Minseok bites down on his bottom lip hard, and he arches into the man above him.
It's all desperation. Rushed touches, impatient tongues, we don't have that much time whispered into collarbones being teased with teeth, Hakyeon will be here in an hour.
Lu Han doesn't care about Hakyeon right now, not when Minseok is coating his fingers with lube, stretching him quickly and efficiently, and Lu Han is thrashing, begging, not caring what he looks like or how he sounds.
He's wanted this back for so long, thought about this for so long. Ever since walking into the cafe and facing the one person he's ever loved, the one person he's never been able to move on from, all Lu Han has wanted is to be back in his arms, back underneath him, just like this, writhing, moaning, fuck me Minseok
Minseok does fuck him. Swiftly, but with emotion, the same amount of want, and they lay there for a few minutes catching their breath, trying not to think about what they've just done, what they've just created. Lu Han turns to speak, to say anything but Minseok is getting to his feet, cleaning them both up quickly and silently, hiding the evidence, and Lu Han swallows thickly, nervously.
Wrong.
It's painful, Lu Han glancing at Minseok and Hakyeon over dinner, at their intertwined fingers, at the lies said in Minseok's voice. He acts like he wasn't fucking someone else an hour ago, wasn't whispering about lost love and changed feelings.
It doesn't take long for Lu Han to give up, to claim that he has a brutal migraine and an early morning, skipping the wine. He once again bolts away from Minseok and ends up thrashing around in bed at 3am, unable to sleep, to get the thoughts and confusion to leave his mind.
Lu Han doesn't know how Minseok feels, is terrified to ask him, and he yet still returns to the cafe a few days later. Lets Minseok drag him to the back room to take the air from his lungs, lets him fall to his knees in Lu Han’s little apartment.
It’s easy to cheat when Minseok’s boyfriend is an idol, someone who’s rarely around, easy to fall back into old routines, old feelings, things of the past being scraped up to the present. They don’t talk about it, in fact, they barely talk at all, most of their time spent undressed, with their bodies speaking the words they both cannot say out loud.
Lu Han doesn’t ask where this is going, doesn’t ask how Minseok feels, what Minseok wants. He just lets him take over, ignores the feelings of guilt, of suffocation, of a need for something more. Stolen kisses, secret blowjobs, exchanged looks over the table as Minseok plays with Hakyeon’s fingers.
That’s the worst part. Hakyeon.
Does Minseok love Hakyeon? Does Minseok love Lu Han? What the fuck are they doing, what the fuck is he doing?
Lu Han doesn’t know the answers to anything, doesn’t know what’s going on, where this is going, and so he just does. He just does and does, falling back into Minseok as easily as ever.
×
It’s raining. The rain feels strange now, welcoming, yet not at all as Lu Han makes a familiar trek to a familiar cafe. This time he’s been invited to Minseok’s private moving in party; a quiet gathering of friends; food, coffee, laughter.
Lu Han wants to scream. Minseok settling down. Minseok inviting someone into his most personal of spaces. Minseok investing in an actual future with someone. All of the things they’d never been able to do all those years ago.
“Hakyeon’s moving in,” is whispered into the dips and curves of hips. “We want to buy a house together soon.”
Lu Han isn’t sure he even knows Minseok at this point, isn’t sure if this is even still the same man, the same boy he’d fallen in love with all that time ago, and now he wants out. He doesn’t want to continue this game of hooking up, of returning Minseok’s random and hushed “I still love you Lu Han,” said right before breaking the news.
Lu Han is angry and lost.
Yet he doesn’t break things off, doesn’t end anything. He continues to chase after Minseok like he has nothing else to live for. They aren’t Lu Han and Minseok, they aren’t a couple, they aren’t love.
No. They are a secret --hidden, filthy-- shoved into cupboards, into the silence of empty rooms. They are lies and masked feelings.
Lu Han feels like a puppet, lost down a hallway that never ends, always searching for something, always searching for the door that will lead him out, and away from Minseok; from this mess he’s created without even trying.
Lu Han sits beside Minseok, stares at Hakyeon sitting on Minseok’s other side, unaware, blissful, in love. He’s moving in with the man he loves, his group is the top idol group, he’s surrounded by friends.
Hakyeon is surrounded by lies, linking arms with a man who says words of love to him, and then disappears at night to say the same words to another.
The room is loud, full of laughter, full of happiness; couples, idols, friends. And Lu Han.
Silent, with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, and tears that threaten to fall any second. It’s all right though. If there’s one thing Lu Han has learned throughout his whole life, throughout EXO and his relationships, is how to pretend. How to act like everything is nothing, and that he’ll be shy, smiling, coy Lu Han forever.
He can’t stay here. He can’t stay in this room of happiness, with everyone celebrating something wrong. Something fake. Lu Han is selfish. Wishes to be the one sitting on the other side of Minseok in happy bliss.
Of course Lu Han loves Minseok. Of course he does. He probably always will. It’s a curse, and it’s one he’ll have to bear alone. Lu Han wants to marry Minseok, wants to live a future, a life with him. But more than that Lu Han just wants Minseok. Just Minseok, to be his.
However, life is cruel, and it’s with a rushed excuse, and a fast beating heart that Lu Han as usual, bolts away from reality, to scream into a pillow, to scream at himself.
Lu Han sobs over skype, spills everything to a concerned and now livid with anger Yixing. Begs him not to tell, begs him not to call Minseok, but this is Yixing and when has Yixing ever listened?
“You can’t say anything okay Xing? Let me fix this one myself. Just let me-” He chokes over the screen, looking five years younger as he wipes at his eyes with a sleeve of his sweater.
“Just let you what?” Yixing interrupts, holding up a hand, using a tone of voice he rarely uses, and Lu Han gulps, looks at his hands. "You're not going to fix anything. Nothing's going to be fixed, Lu Han. What you and Minseok are doing is bad. For relationships, for reputation, for, well, everything.”
“I know that,” Lu Han mutters, refusing to look at his best friend in the eye. “I can’t help myself though. It’s so easy to just pretend you know?”
“I don’t know.” Yixing replies, and when Lu han finally glances up, he sees nothing but concern in Yixing’s eyes. “Because you sitting here bawling your eyes out on skype does not seem like it’s easy.”
Lu Han doesn’t answer him, chooses instead to just stare, to blink back his remaining tears. He hangs up without another word, knowing that Yixing will understand.
(Yixing always understands.)
Even with Yixing's advice, with his threats to go off on Minseok, Lu Han stays. He goes to the cafe earlier, spends more time in the back room. He stays over at Minseok's while Vixx is in Japan, and with every kiss, with every word that Lu Han doesn't believe, his heart breaks.
It's almost just like last time, almost just like the first time, except this time around, it's worse. Go through everyday life just like normal, pretending to be best friends, pretending to be nothing, waiting for night to fall, waiting for moments alone, to be with each other desperately.
Everything about it is wrong this time, but Lu Han loves Minseok too much to leave. He stays in Korea this time just for Minseok, just for the very person that causes him to go home and wretch the contents of his stomach into a toilet bowl. Who causes to scream in his sleep, thrashing around helplessly from nightmares.
It reminds him of when he'd spent months like this, sick, tired, done with the world. Except those months it was Minseok that helped him through it, and now it's Minseok causing it.
Wrong.
His thoughts scream, his heart screams, his body screams, but Lu Han pushes it down where he can't see it, can't think about it. He focuses on the days when everything is amazing, when him and Minseok just sit and talk, fingers interlocked, legs thrown over each other. These are the days when it feels like old times, when it feels like they're the same as they used to be.
Perfect, soulmates, best friends, love.
Lu Han ignores the bad signs, ignores his own conscious, even when he's forced to peel himself away from Minseok's side, forced to go shopping for Minseok's birthday with Hakyeon, laughing along with him, offering advice on what to buy, and what not to buy.
This is when it occurs to him that Hakyeon must barely know Minseok, must not have been let in the way Lu Han always has been. Hakyeon doesn't even know Minseok's favourite colour, looks at Lu Han with wide confused eyes when he suggests buying a certain kind of coffee bean.
"I didn't even know there were different kinds." Hakyeon says, ducking his head as a fangirl takes a photo of the two.
([+167, -35] Luhan and N are friends? This is the strangest thing to happen since that Chinese traitors returned to Korea. ㅋㅋㅋ what a shame.)
"Your boyfriend owns a cafe and he hasn't sat you down to explain for six hours how coffee works? Lucky," Lu Han snorts, and even though he meant it to sound like a joke, to tease, he can hear the own sarcasm and contempt in his voice. He mentally cringes when Hakyeon frowns, looking guilty.
"I, well I guess since I'm not around enough we don't have the time to really talk that much." Hakyeon looks crestfallen, and Lu Han swallows his own thoughts down. This is when he realizes that maybe Hakyeon and Minseok aren't as close as he thought.
"Are you guys close though? Like obviously you are, you're together but..." Lu Han blurts the question out, immediately feeling awful. "I didn't mean that to sound rude, I'm just curious."
To Lu Han's surprise Hakyeon doesn't look offended, but he does look a little sad, and his responding laughter doesn't reach his eyes.
"You're Minseok's ex. Of course you're going to be curious." Hakyeon says, smiling gently, and Lu Han very suddenly does not want to be out in public, does not want to be having this conversation. He nods along anyways. "And we are close, just not as close as I want us to be."
"Ah," is all Lu Han says, wondering when his habit of not making eye contact with anyone decided to return.
"Something's changed recently though," Hakyeon says next, and Lu Han's eyes snap up, fear filling him, and he nearly chokes. "I think it's because I've been away more? I just feel like Minseok doesn't really like me anymore. Makes me wish I could quit the idol life also. It would be easier."
"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. You guys just need a good holiday soon or something. The chance will come up. And I'm sure he likes you just fine."
Lu Han hopes he sounds sincere, hopes his words make Hakyeon feel better, and looks forward to another night of throwing up his guilt. He isn't cut out for this kind of thing.
×
It's raining. Lu Han walks into the cafe to find it closed early, to find Minseok with his head in his hands, the lights off.
He shakes himself off, tentatively sits down beside Minseok, putting a hand on his arm, one that Minseok shakes off. He looks up at Lu Han and sighs; moving backwards in a swift movement that Lu Han isn't sure is even a conscious one.
"What's wrong?" Lu Han says, sounding too loud in the too quiet room, and Minseok lets out a long breath, hands shaking as he takes one of Lu Han's in his own.
“Lu Han. We need to talk.” Minseok says his words carefully, slowly. Lu Han can feel his world collapsing again, can feel it becoming empty, even though he knew this would happen, knew it would end up like this. He just didn’t think it would be Minseok to break things off, but then again when has Lu Han ever had the courage to ever properly do anything?
“We need to stop what we’re doing. It’s wrong.” Minseok continues, and Lu Han bites back his ‘No shit’ reply, stops himself from saying what’s really on his mind; as usual. “I thought it would work out. I felt so happy seeing you again, being with you. I tricked myself into believing that we were still something, could be something again. But we can’t.”
Lu Han blinks at him in confusion, feels something dangerous bubbling up inside his chest, but he pulls it back inside, settles with a simple, “What do you mean ‘tricked’?”
Minseok swipes a tongue across his lips, a nervous habit he’d once picked up from Lu Han, and fixes his large eyes on him, and Lu Han sees no lies.
“When you came in the cafe that day, it was like every old memory I’d forgotten had just … hit me again. And I thought I felt something like I used to. Hakyeon is never around you know? and so when you started coming by everyday - ” Minseok pauses, chewing on his bottom lip, and Lu Han just listens, hand limp in Minseok’s hold. “When you started coming by everyday, it almost felt like you’d never left. I had someone to talk to, someone always around again. And I convinced myself that I still had feelings for you.”
Lu Han stays silent, a sign for Minseok to continue, to finish. His eyes flicker to the window, out into the rain, and he watches it streak down the glass, drip into the streets, innocent and unknowing, beautiful and untainted.
“It’s hard pretending though. It’s hard being confused and lost. And after a while I began to realize that maybe I just have problems with myself, my own issues with Hakyeon and thought I could fix them with you. I’ve used you and I’m sorry.” Minseok is calm, hands shaking just a bit now. Lu Han can tell he’s rehearsed this speech, planned it over and over in his head, the same way he plans everything he says, always careful, always trying to say it the best he can.
And Lu Han hates himself for knowing Minseok too well, for being able to see through him, and he hates himself even more for not being able to see through it this time, for missing all the clues. Minseok has gotten better at that. Hiding himself.
Lu Han wrenches his hand out of Minseok’s, takes a heaving breath and opens his mouth, but Minseok interrupts. Something he used to always do, a way to shield himself, to make sure that Lu Han doesn’t say anything that could make him the bad guy. Minseok isn’t the bad guy though, at least not to Lu Han.
“You know my feelings were always real,” Lu Han mutters, more to himself than to Minseok.
“You knew this the whole time. You know me. Why would you - ” Lu Han speaks directly to Minseok this time, looking him directly in the eye. “Do you know how hard this was? Do you know how much I let the guilt rip me apart? Do you think I would go through this kind of thing again just for fun?”
“No. I’m sorry, I just don’t know how I feel about anything and - ”
“Shut up, Minseok,” Lu Han interrupts him, just like the first day he’d walked into Minseok’s cafe, stopping his rambling, his questions. “I don’t want to hear it. You’ve said enough.”
“Lu Han, I did love you once. I really did. And I still do, just in a different way.” Minseok says, and Lu Han can tell how he’s feeling, but for once Lu Han just doesn’t care.
“Oh and who do you love now, Min? Hakyeon? Because it sure doesn’t seem like it, not when you’re out doing this to him.” Lu Han wants to spit at Minseok, wants to yell, but he doesn’t. He can’t.
Minseok doesn’t answer him, just looks down, standing up and walking over to the counter to grab his coat, motions towards the door.
“I need to close up, Lu Han. Can you leave?”
“Yes, just kick me out after hurting me like this again. Hide from your problems as usual,” Lu Han lets his anger out, raises his voice. “At least this time you’re breaking my heart face to face.”
“I’m sorry. I just, I tried, I thought - ” Minseok is blinking furiously, breathing quickly. Lu Han stops, lowering his arms because he can’t even be angry, he’s just not that person no matter how hard he tries. “I thought I’d found you again and instead I just lost myself.”
“Okay.”
Minseok stares at him, holding his coat close, fiddling with his keys like he’d expected Lu han to say something different, expected him to lash out more.
“Just okay?” Minseok asks quietly.
“Just okay. If you can’t do it, then I can’t do it. I’m going to go home, Minseok.” There’s a weight to Lu Han’s words, a heavier meaning, a hidden, not my apartment home, but my real home.
“Good luck,” Lu Han hears Minseok say the words, but he doesn’t see him, doesn’t turn around, just pulls up his hood and walks out into the rain, not even bothering to hurry.
Lu Han feels tired, feels worn out, can’t even cry or break down. It’s too late for that, Lu Han’s done enough crying in the past. All he does upon return to his apartment is collapse into his bed, falling asleep immediately, room filled with nothing but his quiet breaths.
×
‘Good luck’ are the last words that Minseok ever says to Lu Han, the argument in the Cafe the last one they ever have. Lu Han doesn’t go back, to Minseok, to the cafe, to Korea. He leaves his past behind for good, cutting ties and doing what he should have done the first time. He’s full of regret, full of a tiredness for life.
Lu Han does do one thing before he leaves. He writes a letter -- forever too much of a coward to face things himself, forever still the same young, scared teenage boy he has always been. Lu Han is no longer naive though, and he seals the letter in an envelope, marks it with a name.
He stops by Minseok’s apartment when he knows no one will be there; leaving the letter on the table, along with the spare key Minseok had secretly gifted him. He leaves silently, without looking back.
Lu Han doesn’t mourn this time, doesn’t spend months breaking down behind camera. He’s older now, knows what to do, and he just returns to work, acts in another movie, records a new song, a new commercial.
He doesn’t miss Minseok now, but he misses his life with Minseok. He misses his life before Minseok, before EXO, before fame, when everything seemed just a little simpler.
Lu Han is good at pretending now, has made an entire career out of pretending, and he’s completely okay, definitely all right, all the time. He knows now not to trust love, not to trust anyone.
He does blink back a couple of stray tears, a few strands of emotion, when Yixing tells him that Minseok and Hakyeon broke up after Hakyeon found a letter addressed to him discussing the details of Minseok’s secret life, letting Hakyeon know everything that happened, about Minseok cheating. Yixing doesn’t tell him, but Lu Han knows that Yixing is aware of who exactly wrote that letter. Lu Han just nods, pretending not to care.
Hakyeon needed to know, deserved to understand that Minseok is amazing ,yes, but some things are just how they are, and life is sometimes not amazing.
At least Lu Han can rest easier knowing that not everything remained a lie after he left Korea.
Truthfully Lu Han thinks a lot about Minseok’s words, about him saying that he thought he loved Lu Han, but really didn’t. Lu Han thinks that maybe Minseok was right. Not just for him, but for Lu Han as well. For those few months, for that little pocket in time, they’d both clung to something past, something familiar, a way to break from real life and into the memories, into the things that once were.
But reality is reality, and Lu Han is no longer that person. Maybe somewhere, hidden beneath everything else that young idol remains, but Lu Han is just Lu Han now. Not Lu Han of EXO, Not Minseok’s Lu Han, not China’s Lu Han, just Lu Han.
Or so he thinks, because maybe in the end, as he bows to his parents, follows their wishes, acts how society decides he should act, he’s really just going to be that scared boy forever.
×
It’s only much later, years later, when Lu Han holds the hand of someone he never wanted to marry, someone given to him without choice, and glances down at the smiling child in front of him, that he really misses Minseok, really thinks back to the days when they first started, when they were shy, young and naive. It’s fitting, he thinks, that the day they get married, the skies are dark, and the rain is pouring.
He thinks back to everything they were, and everything they could have been, and he thinks of the lessons he’s learned, and the maturing he’s done, kissing his daughter goodbye on the cheek as she goes to her first kindergarten class ever, and turns to tell a woman he doesn’t love that he does, pretending to be happy.
Lu Han is always pretending now. On camera, off camera, to himself and to everybody around him, maybe even Yixing. He lives a life that is not his own, and should never have been his own, but he’s done wishing for things that he cannot get. He just hopes no one else ever notices that he’s really not all right. Lu Han is nothing he ever says he is.
It’s a good thing he’s an actor, isn’t it?
×
Poll
Team: Future
Rating: R
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan, Xiumin/Hakyeon
Summary: The moral of the story is that in the end, shit happens and life goes on. Some people are just more in love with their memories than the person standing in front of them, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.
Warnings: angst, broken relationships, crossover pairing.
Author's Note: This has been an eventful ride with a lot of big road bumps. Thank you so goddamn much to my qtpies for sticking with me. I love you all so much.
Prompt Used: Lim Kim - All Right, and both supplementary prompts
'What follows is the story of a boy once young and still relatively young - a tale of desperation, of lies, of pasts becoming present and of moving on.
At first this may seem like a love story. A sad one, but still a love story. I'd like you to keep in mind that as the narrator for 500 Days Of Summer once said, "You should know upfront, that this is not a love story."
Indeed, this is a story of our characters; of real life, and you may see some love in there. You may see a lot of it, but that isn't the main focus.
Let's introduce our first character, shall we?
His name is Hakyeon, and he's tall in the eyes of some, but short in the eyes of his group. A man not afraid to show his emotions, not afraid to reach out for others, to be his own unique human being. The kind of man that nurtures others but lacks nurturing of his own, a true Cancer to the core. Hakyeon takes the leader position of VIXX, a popular Korean-pop boy group, and is known by the fans as the smooth, sexy member - and more commonly, Taekwoon's shadow.
It's ironic, how a character such as this one becomes a crutch for another important character, someone who is used to the clingy, nurturing needs of another - but lacks someone to nurture.
Our next character is named Minseok. He is short in the eyes of everyone, but a mountain in the eyes of one. Put on a worshipping pedestal only to fall off with no one in sight to catch him. He doesn't blame others for what occurs in his life, quietly and carefully curling into himself, into contemplative depressed bouts of insecurity, unshed tears and glittering eyes.
Minseok was once the part of a hugely popular Korean-pop group. One might arguably say it was one of the most popular in existence. 'We are one' was their catchphrase, said in times when they truly were one, said in times when they were only ten, and then said in times when not a single one of them believed it. Instead they choke out the words with tears in their eyes, wearily traipsing back to their dormitory with the kind of reluctance only broken men can have.
Minseok is a strong man, good at working through his issues, a master of disguise, but life brings him down just like it does the rest. The heightened schedules, the broken friendships, the nights spent retching his soul out into an empty toilet bowl. He envied Hakyeon, someone who is indeed under pressure, but nevertheless lacks the pressure they do.
He envied our third character for getting out of it all, for living his fluttering life in China, and he despises our third character for leaving him alone in the hell of his own life, for running in a time when they were all sick, when they all suffered.
"I could pay out your contract you know."
But he never understood, never actually saw into Minseok, like our dear fox man used to think. This never stops the bouts of loneliness, the moments of craving for that hand that used to always be on his shoulder, comforting, light.
This also never stops the moments of bitterness, the moments of remembering when that hand held on too tight, only to tear itself away forever.
This hand belongs to our third character, and perhaps the most sorrowful of them all. Lu Han is an interesting human being, both completely altruistic and completely selfish. He loves with a kind of selfless greed, in a completely hypocritical fashion.
He wants to protect but also be protected, wants to hold but also to be held. In short, Lu Han is as human as one can get, despite his ethereal appearance. Lu Han has only been in love once and ran away from love once. He didn't run because of the person he was in love with. No, he ran because he is selfish, and because he needed a way out - from the company, from the group, from himself. And this unfortunately seemed to include our second character.
Our third character ran for his life, ran from his life. Don't misread Lu Han. Deleting his contacts list was the hardest thing he ever did - harder than filing a lawsuit, harder than facing his cold-faced parents after years of disobedience.
No contact. No calls. No texts.
They still know of each other of course, still occasionally check movie trailers, and Lu Han had smiled, a dazzling smile only saved for Minseok, when he’d heard about our second character's cafe. He’d always known Minseok could achieve his dream.
He, however, does not smile when Yixing, a minor character in the mess that is this story, tells him in passing that characters one and two are together. He allows himself to be dragged back into a past that he doesn't want to remember, away from a future that he created - that he regrets creating.
If you were to speak to both characters two and three, they would tell you that they're both completely all right. They're always all right.
"I'm happy," Minseok will tell you. "I have a new life now. I have my dreams, I'm content and I have Hakyeon."
"I'm happy," Lu Han will tell you. "I have a new movie coming out in a month, and I just moved into a new place. I might even have a date with that cute co-star that always blushes around me. I also get some time off to go visit old places and old faces! Isn't that exciting?"
("I'm happy also," Hakyeon will pipe up from where he's half-sitting, half-lying on the couch, playing with his boyfriend's fingers; a rare day off from hectic idol life. "I have Minseok, and VIXX keeps getting bigger and better. Also free coffee.")
One of these two people is lying, and the other is about to retract his statement. Or is he?
A long time apart from someone can convince you that you've forgotten them, when in reality they've just been pushed back in your mind, waiting to pounce at the first opportunity.
This opportunity comes when Lu Han stumbles into a random cafe to escape the rain, and realizes, after he looks up into a very familiar wide eyed gaze, that this isn't just any random cafe.
Thus, starts the story of our three characters- two tangled in a years long mess, and one accidentally along for the ride.
When It Rains
×
It’s raining, drops hitting the pavement with splashes so loud they seem to drown out the traffic. For once the streets of Seoul are nearly empty, a few people here and there darting into buildings or hiding under swaying umbrellas.
One figure in particular has no buildings to duck into and he curses under his breath, wondering why today of all days he's decided to leave his hotel and venture out into the city.
He hasn't brought an umbrella, has no plan B. Lu Han looks up, blinking through the falling water around him, ignoring the few curious stares and muffled calls of his name he gets from the fangirls who have braved the storm to follow him.
Lu Han is a little perplexed that he still has fans in Korea, that they still call out to him with the same enthusiasm. It makes him a bit nostalgic, makes him remember the early days of his career. He smiles, albeit a bit sadly, and chooses to rush through the door of a small cafe, one that's out of the way and reminds him of mornings spent with a special someone.
Lu Han blinks the rain out of his eyes as he walks in, fighting off the urge to shake himself like a dog, squinting through his sopping fringe, wishing he'd gotten it cut when he'd arrived in Seoul; it's getting way too long.
Lu Han glances around the basically empty cafe and fights back a grin. The interior is cosy, almost perfect, with comfy looking chairs and low tables, high ceiling and an overall feeling of home. Lu Han timidly walks up to the counter, hoping to ask the working barista if they have any towels.
He doesn't see anyone at first, the area behind the counter empty, and Lu Han frowns, assuming it's just because the cafe is devoid of customers and not because of bad service. He tentatively calls out a greeting.
"Hello? Is anyone working?"
A second after he speaks, Lu Han hears a startled crash coming from what he figures is the back room, and his eyes widen. He hadn't meant to startle anyone. He's about to open his mouth again to say a quick apology when the sight of the man before him has his words and his breath catching in his throat.
The man is shorter, youthful looking and would be mistaken for someone twice as young if he wasn't so nicely built; even more so than the last time Lu Han had seen him. Lu Han gulps, taking a step backwards, prepared to disappear out the door and away from the man looking up at him with curious eyes and nervously wringing hands.
"Lu Han?"
Minseok sounds hesitant, unsure, and Lu Han sighs before turning back around and approaching the counter again, not daring to make eye contact with the man. Years worth of regret, longing and painful nostalgia lodging it's way in his throat and continuing down to his lungs.
"Um, hi," Lu Han says, fidgeting with the cuffs of his still soaking wet shirt. He looks up, regretting it immediately when he makes eye contact with Minseok, but the other man just looks slightly amused, lips upturned in a grin, and Lu Han relaxes. Maybe it won't be so ... bad this time.
"How have you been? It's been a long time," Minseok says, dipping below the counter to rummage for something. Lu Han isn't really sure how to answer him, frowning slightly and biting his lip. He feels like a nervous teenager right now, and he hates it.
"I've been okay," Lu Han answers as Minseok hops back up with two white towels, grinning as he passes them over. Lu Han just stands there for a second looking lost before continuing. "I moved back to Korea indefinitely. Taking a break from work."
Minseok looks at him in surprise, pausing before walking around the counter and into the actual cafe, motioning for Lu Han to dry himself off and sit down. Lu Han does so at top speed, not daring to even think of how his hair's turned out. He sits down across from Minseok, fixing his gaze on the paintings decorating the establishment and not the man in front of him.
"As you can see, I opened my cafe," Minseok says, waving his hands around nonchalantly, though Lu Han, even after all this time, can catch the smile on his lips and the brief pride in his voice.
Lu Han nods. "Yixing told me. He said that you and Hakyeon split the costs?"
Minseok blinks, taken aback by the name Lu Han has just dropped, and purses his lips in confusion.
"You know about Hakyeon?" he says, and Lu Han wants to scowl at the tone in his voice. It’s one he knows well.
"Well yeah, Yixing told me that as well."
"Ah..." Minseok trails off, lips still pursed, and Lu Han fights back the urge to roll his eyes. "I was going to mention it but I wasn't sure how you would-"
"React?" Lu Han cuts him off, bitterness coming through in his tone, and Minseok frowns.
"Yeah, I'm not sure if you would be okay with-"
"It's been four years, Minseok. I haven't just spent the time moping around in China." Lu han cuts him off again, biting his words out, and Minseok's eyes go wide. "I don't care about you and your new boyfriend."
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure. I'm sorry." Minseok sounds a little quieter now, looking at the table rather than Lu Han. Guilt seeps through Lu Han. He's been too rude. "I know you've moved on. I'm not dumb. I just want to make sure you're okay with it."
"You don't need my permission," Lu Han snorts, before sucking in a breath and sighing. "Sorry. I've just had a really long day and I wasn't expecting to run into you. I'm glad you're happy, Minseok."
Minseok smiles, seeming appeased by Lu Han's sincerity, and spends a long time just watching him, before nodding and rising to his feet.
"The rain's stopped so you should be good to go back out. I need to close up the cafe now, but I'm glad we've had the chance to talk." Minseok fumbles around with his apron before bringing out a pen and waving Lu Han over, grabbing his wrist and scribbling some numbers on it. "If you need a friend since you're back in Seoul, you can always come by to catch up."
Lu Han leaves the cafe with a weird feeling in his heart, a suffocating squeeze that he thought would never return, thought was over. He glances at the numbers on his wrist, washes them off without writing them down, without plugging them into his phone, staring at himself in his mirror before shaking his head and going to sleep.
He doesn't need the pain of his past to come back and haunt his present, but he knows it's a lost cause when he falls asleep thinking of the soft brown hair and sharp eyes that once belonged to him and now belong to another.
Minseok is still beautiful.
×
Lu Han doesn't think of Minseok for a while, going about a new daily life in Korea, meeting up with old friends and old members, catching up on all the things he's missed. There's something oddly comforting in knowing that EXO is no more, in knowing that he's not just a 'member that left' anymore, because now, everyone's done just that.
He sits in a cafe with Sehun and laughs with him over something on Sehun's phone, nods enthusiastically at photos of Jongin's newest puppies, politely shakes the hand of Chanyeol's fiancé, and sits on the floor of Joonmyun's house, cooing at his baby girl.
Something feels off though, and it's only when Lu Han skypes Yixing that he realizes exactly what it is. Yixing isn't alone, but with a Chinese man, tall and good-looking - his long term boyfriend.
Lu Han hangs up with a heavy heart that night. Seoul suddenly feels lonely, and now he knows why.
Everyone is settling down. Everyone has someone or something - a path in life, a goal, things to do and things to remember, and Lu Han is just here. He doesn't have a path, a plan, and he doesn't even have anyone to properly tell his problems to. He drags a hand across his face in frustration, and finds his mind wandering to Minseok.
Minseok had once been all of these things for Lu Han - his purpose, his constant, everything he ever needed. And then Lu Han got sick, got depressed, and his parents wanted him home. China wanted him home.
Lu Han had gone, naively and in a rush, leaving behind an entire life, telling himself that everything would be better, that he'd be happier, and that he and Minseok would be okay. They could skype, they could text, they could call. Maybe one day Minseok could visit him, and they could lay in each others arms once more.
None of that ever really happened. They ceased to talk, ceased to communicate, and Minseok had left him, with words that Lu Han would never forget.
"It's not like I'm really leaving you. You left me a year ago."
Lu Han has no self control, no emotional walls or barriers, has always been an open book, waiting to be read, waiting for familiar, warm hands to turn his pages and set him down gently.
The next time it rains, Lu Han is walking down the street, uncaring about getting wet. The rain is light, and the sky is still bright, the sun peeking through a break in the clouds. Lu Han holds out a hand to catch the drops; finds himself thinking about the cafe, and he glances inside as he passes by, noticing that it's empty once again, and his heart betrays him as he pushes open the door and enters, walking up to the counter with more confidence this time.
This time, Minseok isn't alone and Lu Han greets Hakyeon with fake enthusiasm that he prays Minseok doesn't see through. He laughs and chats with the man, trying to keep his eyes off the way the two fit together comfortably in the closed cafe. he calm, loving atmosphere makes Lu Han want to run away, but he stays.
Smile.
It's okay.
You’ve moved on, remember?
And it's not like Lu Han doesn't like Hakyeon. In fact, he's quite fond of the other man. Lu Han remembers him from various music shows and events. Hakyeon was always kind, always ready to be a friend. It's just that Hakyeon is with Minseok and Lu Han would be lying if he says it doesn't bother him. He’s always lying, to everyone, to himself.
Halfway through his visit, Lu Han gets a call from his agent. He has another movie offer - a big Hollywood one, a lead role at that - but he calmly declines, says he's on hiatus, is living somewhere else.
His agent freaks out, yells that Lu Han's career is going to be over, and that Korea will ruin him once again, and Lu Han wants to say that no, Korea has nothing to do with it. He has to force himself to not look across the table at the reason itself, currently occupied with whispering into Hakyeon's ear.
In a sudden bad mood, more so than when he'd walked in to find Hakyeon lounging over the counter, Lu Han stands up quickly, saying he needs to go. Minseok just nods, looking mildly concerned in a way that tells Lu Han it's just common courtesy, and Lu Han wonders if Minseok actually wants to be his friend, or if he'd just scrawled his number out of obligation.
×
For some reason though, Lu Han keeps going back. Every time it rains he finds himself standing outside Minseok’s cafe, split second hesitation hitting him; but not deterring him from entering. They have the same greeting every time, Lu Han ordering the same drink and Minseok telling him to sit down so they can talk.
Sometimes Hakyeon is there -- he mostly isn’t-- but Minseok is always willing, always seems genuinely pleased to see Lu Han there. After a month of visiting a couple times a week, Lu Han begins to think this whole being friends thing isn’t half bad.
Minseok sometimes asks him about that. Why he only comes to visit when it rains, but Lu Han can’t really answer. Just shrugs and says the rain reminds him of the cafe, and of Minseok. Minseok raises an eyebrow at this, playfully hitting Lu Han and tells him that he never changed, that he’s just as weird as he’s always been; making Lu Han’s stomach squeeze tightly, painfully.
Living in Seoul again, wandering the streets alone and talking to Minseok again has made him fall back in love; well, not that he ever truly fell out to begin with, but it’s there again. Strong, suffocating, pushing him down.
Lu Han doesn’t stop. He keeps digging himself a deeper hole, wishes he could be brave and reach out, touch Minseok when they sit, --close but not too close-- on the lounging couches of his cafe, wishes that the fond looks Minseok gives Hakyeon could once again be directed at himself.
Lu Han knows this won’t happen. He’s not dumb, he’s not naive, at least not anymore. He knows how the world works, and he knows how cruel it is, and so he keeps going back, keeps breaking his own heart repeatedly.
×
The day everything changes is not a spectacular day by any means. It’s a normal day, just like every other, save for the rolling thunder and heavy hitting rain. For once, Lu Han doesn’t end up in the cafe on purpose, running inside to save himself from the crashing noise and drenching drops. He’s slightly panicking when he asks Minseok for a towel, cursing out loud at the rain.
He has a meeting with his agent in Seoul, about his contract and whether he wants to terminate it or return to China to continue his activities. Lu Han can’t miss this, can’t be late.
“You can’t just reschedule?” Minseok asks, rolling his eyes, and grabbing Lu Han’s wrist, drying his hair for him with a familiarity that has Lu Han’s emotions twisting in a way that has nothing to do with his missed meeting.
“I could, but the more I put this off the less uncertain everything is.” Lu Han sucks in a deep breath, eyes wide and fearful, collapsing onto the couch. He’s frowning deeply, not noticing the drink Minseok places in front of him. “I don’t know if I even want to go back, Min. How am I supposed to decide in an hour long meeting? But I have to.”
Minseok sits down beside him --not close but too close-- and fixes Lu Han with a patient, concerned look. It’s one that Lu Han remembers well, having received it many times; backstage, onstage, in dressing rooms. It’s different now, not accompanied by Minseok’s hand in his own rubbing comforting circles into his palms. Minseok isn’t threading fingers through his hair to calm his nerves, or placing gentle kisses to his lips, and this just makes everything worse as Lu Han buries his face into his arms.
Lu Han hates thunderstorms, always has, and it fuels his annoyance with the day. He can’t hide the desperation he’s been hiding, that he sees reflected in Yixing’s eyes when they skype.
Lu Han doesn’t have a plan, doesn’t have a set future, has forgotten how to do his own job, how to be an idol, an actor, a singer. He’s hiding in his past, in a city he once vowed never to return to, sitting next to a person he never should have spoken to again.
Fate works in mysterious ways, and Lu Han flinches in shock when a hand comes to rest on his head, fingers soothing, natural, too intimate for a pair of old friends. He slowly looks up at his ex-groupmate, ex-lover, and ex-best friend with pleading eyes, taking his chance when Minseok opens his arms in welcome. Lu Han buries himself in the one person that’s ever made him feel safe.
Home.
Not Beijing, not his parents house or his own apartment, and definitely not Seoul.
Minseok is the one place he’s ever felt at home, and the one place he ever will feel at home, and Lu Han blinks back tears as he pulls away out of Minseok’s embrace, staring at him intensely.
“Do you feel better now?” Minseok asks quietly, and Lu Han hears the apprehension in his tone. It’s an acknowledgement that Minseok knows he’s crossed into an old territory he probably shouldn’t have. Lu Han nods, slowly, hesitantly; only half lying.
They sit in silence, looking at each other, Minseok’s eyes are still the same as they always have been; betraying nothing of his true emotion, large, clear and appraising. Lu Han thinks he might see some warmth seeping through them, might see that same affection he once knew well.
Lu Han knows his eyes betray everything, have always betrayed everything, emotions clear on his face, in his gaze. He sighs, not an annoyed sigh, but a resigned sigh, wringing his hands together in anxiety before looking down and back up.
“I miss you.” Lu Han says, voice wavering, eyes sparkling with unsaid words, held back feeling, tinged with bitterness, and he sees Minseok blink, sees him slump into the back of the couch a little, gaze still unreadable.
“You’re talking to me right now,” is Minseok’s only reply and Lu Han wants to snort at him, wants to roll his eyes, but he only runs a hand through his own hair, through the still damp strands.
“You know what I mean Minseok.”
It’s Minseok’s turn to sigh, and even this is an unreadable action. Minseok sits back up, no longer slumping, and Lu Han thinks he’s about to get up, about to tell Lu Han to leave, but instead the other man reaches out and places a hand over the one in Lu Han’s hair, gently pulling it to himself. He caresses Lu Han’s cheek in another familiar manner, soft and almost loving, making Lu Han’s breath catch in his throat.
Minseok pulls away too quickly, as if he’s burned himself, and Lu Han feels a lump form, struggles to breathe through the overwhelming feeling in his chest. He rises to his feet, gathering his things as quickly as he can. It’s only when he’s about to push open the door, and bolt down the street that he hears Minseok’s answer, quiet but firm.
“I know,” the voice behind him says slowly, still careful, but this time there’s an emotion there; one Lu Han can’t place. “I miss you too.”
Lu Han walks fast now, completely ignoring the storm, letting himself be soaked to the bone as he goes. He only stops to stutter out an apology when he bumps into someone on the sidewalk, looking up to see that it’s none other than Hakyeon; on his way to see his boyfriend.
“Hey! Lu Han!” Hakyeon greets him cheerfully, friendly hand on his arm stopping him from making a proper escape and Lu Han feels some kind of guilt twist through him. “The rain is awful. You should come by the cafe and dry off.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m actually in a hurry. I have a meeting with my agent.” Lu han shakes his head, hoping he doesn’t come off wild and desperate, motioning in some direction he’s not entirely sure of, and doesn’t wait for Hakyeon’s answer before walking away, just as swiftly as before.
×
He doesn’t go back to the cafe for a while after that. It's not even that he's avoiding Minseok. No, it's more like he's avoiding his own feelings at this point.
It's all Hakyeon’s fault, is what Lu Han tells himself. If Hakyeon wasn't dating Minseok, wasn't around, Minseoks behaviour wouldn't be alarming, would be welcomed. Minseok has a boyfriend. Minseok has a boyfriend and Lu Han is his ex.
Maybe Lu Han’s a bit of a bad person because two weeks later he finds himself walking into the cafe. He’s a little startled that for once there are a litter of customers right before closing time.
Giggling twenty-something's, old fans of what was once EXO here to greet Minseok. Regulars it seems, because Minseok smiles warmly at them and calls them by name, only a little bit shy.
Lu Han looks curiously on, holding his breath when they glance at him, recognition glowing in their eyes, but they continue on without speaking to him.
"You're still getting all the female attention I see," Lu Han teases, after they've finally gone and the cafe resumes its simple atmosphere. He sits at one of the bar stools watching Minseok cleaning the machines.
"So do you!" Minseok says defensively, but with no malice in his tone. "I've watched your shows on TV. People fall all over you."
"You've watched my shows?" Lu Han tries not to sound hopeful, but he knows his own voice has betrayed him when Minseok stills a bit, licking his lips nervously.
"Sometimes," is the only answer he gets before Minseok changes the subject quickly, asking him how he's been. "Hakyeon says he saw you the other day but you kept walking."
"I don't remember that," Lu Han says, even though he does clearly remember pretending not to hear Hakyeon, looking straight ahead and walking faster. "I must not have heard him, I'm sorry."
"Oh no, there's no need to apologize." Minseok waves a cloth at him, eyes bright. "Things happen. I was sad to not have you around here though. I got used to it."
Minseok’s words are simple, normal words that could be be used in any regular conversation between friends, but Lu Han hears the veiled question behind Minseok’s statement. is it because of what happened?
"I've just been busy dealing with...things."
Lu Hans answer is vague, but seems to be the answer Minseok expects, and Lu Han gets a sad, almost strained smile in return as Minseok sits beside him at the bar.
They sit in silence for a bit before Lu Han is startled out of his nervous thoughts by a light touch on his knee. He jumps at the contact and glances at Minseok, confusion apparent in his eyes.
Minseoks face is unreadable but his hand never leaves Lu Han’s knee, and he sighs as something that might be guilt flashes across his eyes.
"Do you want to come over?" Minseok blurts out, eyes widening at the implications of his own words and he backtracks quickly. "I mean, we always hang out at my cafe and my condo’s a lot comfier."
Lu Han doesn’t give Minseok an answer right away, emotions and thoughts bursting through him. He's never seen Minseoks new condo, has only ever seen Minseok’s room when they lived in a dorm together -- twelve, sometimes six, occasionally eleven-- and everything really has changed, time has passed, things are different now.
Minseok has a boyfriend now, and Lu Han is a Chinese movie star, but a lot of the time Lu Han is still that scared teenager. The same one that met Minseok outside in the rain during training. He’s still the same terrified twenty-two year old, gripping another just as terrified twenty-two year old’s hand before they go on stage for something that changes their lives forever.
Lu Han wants to know if under all the maturity, under the cafe and the quietness, if Minseok is still the same shy, chubby boy he once was, still possesses the same fears and the same desires. Lu Han doubts this, doubts everything in this split second, but can’t stop the words from leaving his mouth, the confirmation, the agreement he shouldn’t be making.
×
Minseok’s apartment is nice. High ceilings, sparse decorations, not too big, and not too small. It reminds Lu Han of Minseok right away and he smiles as he glances around, sitting on the edge of the couch fidgeting with his hands.
The conversation is awkward, but Minseok seems different. His casual touches linger as he talks, he stares more intense than usual, and Lu Han is nervous, jitters working their way into his stomach as Minseok moves too close, but not close enough.
Lu Han almost squeaks in shock when Minseok plucks his water glass from his hands, moving so close that Lu Han can feel his breath. Lu Han turns to look directly at him, confusion apparent.
"I'm..." Minseok starts to speak, but pauses immediately, licking his lips, giving Lu Han a look that seems to search him. Then it happens.
Minseok is suddenly kissing him, hand firm on the back of his neck, wasting no time as his tongue pushes it's way in, giving Lu Han no time to breathe, no time to think clearly.
He's being pushed down into the cushions with a desperation he's never expected Minseok to have. Lu Han thinks that this probably isn't right, and the satisfying feeling of finally having Minseok's lips against his own, of finally feeling those arms hold him down is snapped as quickly as it appears by overwhelming guilt; overwhelming panic. Lu Han plants his palms on Minseok's chest, pushing him away.
"Minseok, why are you doing this? You can't." Lu Han blurts out, surprised at the breathlessness of his own voice, at the way it wavers. He wants this, he really does, but it's come out of nowhere at the wrong time, and Lu Han's mind just repeats.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
That's what this is. Wrong.
"I don't care, Lu Han. Just let me," Minseok replies, voice just as breathless. Lu Han props himself up on his elbows,stares at Minseok, eyes flickering to the side once before pulling his ex back down on top of him, sealing both their lips and his decision together.
They both gasp at the first roll of Minseok's hips, their bodies just as excited as their hearts at this reunion. Lu Han knows this is wrong, feels the guilt flow through him, briefly wondering if Minseok feels the same guilt. Every thought is washed from his body in the next moment though when Minseok bites down on his bottom lip hard, and he arches into the man above him.
It's all desperation. Rushed touches, impatient tongues, we don't have that much time whispered into collarbones being teased with teeth, Hakyeon will be here in an hour.
Lu Han doesn't care about Hakyeon right now, not when Minseok is coating his fingers with lube, stretching him quickly and efficiently, and Lu Han is thrashing, begging, not caring what he looks like or how he sounds.
He's wanted this back for so long, thought about this for so long. Ever since walking into the cafe and facing the one person he's ever loved, the one person he's never been able to move on from, all Lu Han has wanted is to be back in his arms, back underneath him, just like this, writhing, moaning, fuck me Minseok
Minseok does fuck him. Swiftly, but with emotion, the same amount of want, and they lay there for a few minutes catching their breath, trying not to think about what they've just done, what they've just created. Lu Han turns to speak, to say anything but Minseok is getting to his feet, cleaning them both up quickly and silently, hiding the evidence, and Lu Han swallows thickly, nervously.
Wrong.
It's painful, Lu Han glancing at Minseok and Hakyeon over dinner, at their intertwined fingers, at the lies said in Minseok's voice. He acts like he wasn't fucking someone else an hour ago, wasn't whispering about lost love and changed feelings.
It doesn't take long for Lu Han to give up, to claim that he has a brutal migraine and an early morning, skipping the wine. He once again bolts away from Minseok and ends up thrashing around in bed at 3am, unable to sleep, to get the thoughts and confusion to leave his mind.
Lu Han doesn't know how Minseok feels, is terrified to ask him, and he yet still returns to the cafe a few days later. Lets Minseok drag him to the back room to take the air from his lungs, lets him fall to his knees in Lu Han’s little apartment.
It’s easy to cheat when Minseok’s boyfriend is an idol, someone who’s rarely around, easy to fall back into old routines, old feelings, things of the past being scraped up to the present. They don’t talk about it, in fact, they barely talk at all, most of their time spent undressed, with their bodies speaking the words they both cannot say out loud.
Lu Han doesn’t ask where this is going, doesn’t ask how Minseok feels, what Minseok wants. He just lets him take over, ignores the feelings of guilt, of suffocation, of a need for something more. Stolen kisses, secret blowjobs, exchanged looks over the table as Minseok plays with Hakyeon’s fingers.
That’s the worst part. Hakyeon.
Does Minseok love Hakyeon? Does Minseok love Lu Han? What the fuck are they doing, what the fuck is he doing?
Lu Han doesn’t know the answers to anything, doesn’t know what’s going on, where this is going, and so he just does. He just does and does, falling back into Minseok as easily as ever.
×
It’s raining. The rain feels strange now, welcoming, yet not at all as Lu Han makes a familiar trek to a familiar cafe. This time he’s been invited to Minseok’s private moving in party; a quiet gathering of friends; food, coffee, laughter.
Lu Han wants to scream. Minseok settling down. Minseok inviting someone into his most personal of spaces. Minseok investing in an actual future with someone. All of the things they’d never been able to do all those years ago.
“Hakyeon’s moving in,” is whispered into the dips and curves of hips. “We want to buy a house together soon.”
Lu Han isn’t sure he even knows Minseok at this point, isn’t sure if this is even still the same man, the same boy he’d fallen in love with all that time ago, and now he wants out. He doesn’t want to continue this game of hooking up, of returning Minseok’s random and hushed “I still love you Lu Han,” said right before breaking the news.
Lu Han is angry and lost.
Yet he doesn’t break things off, doesn’t end anything. He continues to chase after Minseok like he has nothing else to live for. They aren’t Lu Han and Minseok, they aren’t a couple, they aren’t love.
No. They are a secret --hidden, filthy-- shoved into cupboards, into the silence of empty rooms. They are lies and masked feelings.
Lu Han feels like a puppet, lost down a hallway that never ends, always searching for something, always searching for the door that will lead him out, and away from Minseok; from this mess he’s created without even trying.
Lu Han sits beside Minseok, stares at Hakyeon sitting on Minseok’s other side, unaware, blissful, in love. He’s moving in with the man he loves, his group is the top idol group, he’s surrounded by friends.
Hakyeon is surrounded by lies, linking arms with a man who says words of love to him, and then disappears at night to say the same words to another.
The room is loud, full of laughter, full of happiness; couples, idols, friends. And Lu Han.
Silent, with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, and tears that threaten to fall any second. It’s all right though. If there’s one thing Lu Han has learned throughout his whole life, throughout EXO and his relationships, is how to pretend. How to act like everything is nothing, and that he’ll be shy, smiling, coy Lu Han forever.
He can’t stay here. He can’t stay in this room of happiness, with everyone celebrating something wrong. Something fake. Lu Han is selfish. Wishes to be the one sitting on the other side of Minseok in happy bliss.
Of course Lu Han loves Minseok. Of course he does. He probably always will. It’s a curse, and it’s one he’ll have to bear alone. Lu Han wants to marry Minseok, wants to live a future, a life with him. But more than that Lu Han just wants Minseok. Just Minseok, to be his.
However, life is cruel, and it’s with a rushed excuse, and a fast beating heart that Lu Han as usual, bolts away from reality, to scream into a pillow, to scream at himself.
Lu Han sobs over skype, spills everything to a concerned and now livid with anger Yixing. Begs him not to tell, begs him not to call Minseok, but this is Yixing and when has Yixing ever listened?
“You can’t say anything okay Xing? Let me fix this one myself. Just let me-” He chokes over the screen, looking five years younger as he wipes at his eyes with a sleeve of his sweater.
“Just let you what?” Yixing interrupts, holding up a hand, using a tone of voice he rarely uses, and Lu Han gulps, looks at his hands. "You're not going to fix anything. Nothing's going to be fixed, Lu Han. What you and Minseok are doing is bad. For relationships, for reputation, for, well, everything.”
“I know that,” Lu Han mutters, refusing to look at his best friend in the eye. “I can’t help myself though. It’s so easy to just pretend you know?”
“I don’t know.” Yixing replies, and when Lu han finally glances up, he sees nothing but concern in Yixing’s eyes. “Because you sitting here bawling your eyes out on skype does not seem like it’s easy.”
Lu Han doesn’t answer him, chooses instead to just stare, to blink back his remaining tears. He hangs up without another word, knowing that Yixing will understand.
(Yixing always understands.)
Even with Yixing's advice, with his threats to go off on Minseok, Lu Han stays. He goes to the cafe earlier, spends more time in the back room. He stays over at Minseok's while Vixx is in Japan, and with every kiss, with every word that Lu Han doesn't believe, his heart breaks.
It's almost just like last time, almost just like the first time, except this time around, it's worse. Go through everyday life just like normal, pretending to be best friends, pretending to be nothing, waiting for night to fall, waiting for moments alone, to be with each other desperately.
Everything about it is wrong this time, but Lu Han loves Minseok too much to leave. He stays in Korea this time just for Minseok, just for the very person that causes him to go home and wretch the contents of his stomach into a toilet bowl. Who causes to scream in his sleep, thrashing around helplessly from nightmares.
It reminds him of when he'd spent months like this, sick, tired, done with the world. Except those months it was Minseok that helped him through it, and now it's Minseok causing it.
Wrong.
His thoughts scream, his heart screams, his body screams, but Lu Han pushes it down where he can't see it, can't think about it. He focuses on the days when everything is amazing, when him and Minseok just sit and talk, fingers interlocked, legs thrown over each other. These are the days when it feels like old times, when it feels like they're the same as they used to be.
Perfect, soulmates, best friends, love.
Lu Han ignores the bad signs, ignores his own conscious, even when he's forced to peel himself away from Minseok's side, forced to go shopping for Minseok's birthday with Hakyeon, laughing along with him, offering advice on what to buy, and what not to buy.
This is when it occurs to him that Hakyeon must barely know Minseok, must not have been let in the way Lu Han always has been. Hakyeon doesn't even know Minseok's favourite colour, looks at Lu Han with wide confused eyes when he suggests buying a certain kind of coffee bean.
"I didn't even know there were different kinds." Hakyeon says, ducking his head as a fangirl takes a photo of the two.
([+167, -35] Luhan and N are friends? This is the strangest thing to happen since that Chinese traitors returned to Korea. ㅋㅋㅋ what a shame.)
"Your boyfriend owns a cafe and he hasn't sat you down to explain for six hours how coffee works? Lucky," Lu Han snorts, and even though he meant it to sound like a joke, to tease, he can hear the own sarcasm and contempt in his voice. He mentally cringes when Hakyeon frowns, looking guilty.
"I, well I guess since I'm not around enough we don't have the time to really talk that much." Hakyeon looks crestfallen, and Lu Han swallows his own thoughts down. This is when he realizes that maybe Hakyeon and Minseok aren't as close as he thought.
"Are you guys close though? Like obviously you are, you're together but..." Lu Han blurts the question out, immediately feeling awful. "I didn't mean that to sound rude, I'm just curious."
To Lu Han's surprise Hakyeon doesn't look offended, but he does look a little sad, and his responding laughter doesn't reach his eyes.
"You're Minseok's ex. Of course you're going to be curious." Hakyeon says, smiling gently, and Lu Han very suddenly does not want to be out in public, does not want to be having this conversation. He nods along anyways. "And we are close, just not as close as I want us to be."
"Ah," is all Lu Han says, wondering when his habit of not making eye contact with anyone decided to return.
"Something's changed recently though," Hakyeon says next, and Lu Han's eyes snap up, fear filling him, and he nearly chokes. "I think it's because I've been away more? I just feel like Minseok doesn't really like me anymore. Makes me wish I could quit the idol life also. It would be easier."
"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. You guys just need a good holiday soon or something. The chance will come up. And I'm sure he likes you just fine."
Lu Han hopes he sounds sincere, hopes his words make Hakyeon feel better, and looks forward to another night of throwing up his guilt. He isn't cut out for this kind of thing.
×
It's raining. Lu Han walks into the cafe to find it closed early, to find Minseok with his head in his hands, the lights off.
He shakes himself off, tentatively sits down beside Minseok, putting a hand on his arm, one that Minseok shakes off. He looks up at Lu Han and sighs; moving backwards in a swift movement that Lu Han isn't sure is even a conscious one.
"What's wrong?" Lu Han says, sounding too loud in the too quiet room, and Minseok lets out a long breath, hands shaking as he takes one of Lu Han's in his own.
“Lu Han. We need to talk.” Minseok says his words carefully, slowly. Lu Han can feel his world collapsing again, can feel it becoming empty, even though he knew this would happen, knew it would end up like this. He just didn’t think it would be Minseok to break things off, but then again when has Lu Han ever had the courage to ever properly do anything?
“We need to stop what we’re doing. It’s wrong.” Minseok continues, and Lu Han bites back his ‘No shit’ reply, stops himself from saying what’s really on his mind; as usual. “I thought it would work out. I felt so happy seeing you again, being with you. I tricked myself into believing that we were still something, could be something again. But we can’t.”
Lu Han blinks at him in confusion, feels something dangerous bubbling up inside his chest, but he pulls it back inside, settles with a simple, “What do you mean ‘tricked’?”
Minseok swipes a tongue across his lips, a nervous habit he’d once picked up from Lu Han, and fixes his large eyes on him, and Lu Han sees no lies.
“When you came in the cafe that day, it was like every old memory I’d forgotten had just … hit me again. And I thought I felt something like I used to. Hakyeon is never around you know? and so when you started coming by everyday - ” Minseok pauses, chewing on his bottom lip, and Lu Han just listens, hand limp in Minseok’s hold. “When you started coming by everyday, it almost felt like you’d never left. I had someone to talk to, someone always around again. And I convinced myself that I still had feelings for you.”
Lu Han stays silent, a sign for Minseok to continue, to finish. His eyes flicker to the window, out into the rain, and he watches it streak down the glass, drip into the streets, innocent and unknowing, beautiful and untainted.
“It’s hard pretending though. It’s hard being confused and lost. And after a while I began to realize that maybe I just have problems with myself, my own issues with Hakyeon and thought I could fix them with you. I’ve used you and I’m sorry.” Minseok is calm, hands shaking just a bit now. Lu Han can tell he’s rehearsed this speech, planned it over and over in his head, the same way he plans everything he says, always careful, always trying to say it the best he can.
And Lu Han hates himself for knowing Minseok too well, for being able to see through him, and he hates himself even more for not being able to see through it this time, for missing all the clues. Minseok has gotten better at that. Hiding himself.
Lu Han wrenches his hand out of Minseok’s, takes a heaving breath and opens his mouth, but Minseok interrupts. Something he used to always do, a way to shield himself, to make sure that Lu Han doesn’t say anything that could make him the bad guy. Minseok isn’t the bad guy though, at least not to Lu Han.
“You know my feelings were always real,” Lu Han mutters, more to himself than to Minseok.
“You knew this the whole time. You know me. Why would you - ” Lu Han speaks directly to Minseok this time, looking him directly in the eye. “Do you know how hard this was? Do you know how much I let the guilt rip me apart? Do you think I would go through this kind of thing again just for fun?”
“No. I’m sorry, I just don’t know how I feel about anything and - ”
“Shut up, Minseok,” Lu Han interrupts him, just like the first day he’d walked into Minseok’s cafe, stopping his rambling, his questions. “I don’t want to hear it. You’ve said enough.”
“Lu Han, I did love you once. I really did. And I still do, just in a different way.” Minseok says, and Lu Han can tell how he’s feeling, but for once Lu Han just doesn’t care.
“Oh and who do you love now, Min? Hakyeon? Because it sure doesn’t seem like it, not when you’re out doing this to him.” Lu Han wants to spit at Minseok, wants to yell, but he doesn’t. He can’t.
Minseok doesn’t answer him, just looks down, standing up and walking over to the counter to grab his coat, motions towards the door.
“I need to close up, Lu Han. Can you leave?”
“Yes, just kick me out after hurting me like this again. Hide from your problems as usual,” Lu Han lets his anger out, raises his voice. “At least this time you’re breaking my heart face to face.”
“I’m sorry. I just, I tried, I thought - ” Minseok is blinking furiously, breathing quickly. Lu Han stops, lowering his arms because he can’t even be angry, he’s just not that person no matter how hard he tries. “I thought I’d found you again and instead I just lost myself.”
“Okay.”
Minseok stares at him, holding his coat close, fiddling with his keys like he’d expected Lu han to say something different, expected him to lash out more.
“Just okay?” Minseok asks quietly.
“Just okay. If you can’t do it, then I can’t do it. I’m going to go home, Minseok.” There’s a weight to Lu Han’s words, a heavier meaning, a hidden, not my apartment home, but my real home.
“Good luck,” Lu Han hears Minseok say the words, but he doesn’t see him, doesn’t turn around, just pulls up his hood and walks out into the rain, not even bothering to hurry.
Lu Han feels tired, feels worn out, can’t even cry or break down. It’s too late for that, Lu Han’s done enough crying in the past. All he does upon return to his apartment is collapse into his bed, falling asleep immediately, room filled with nothing but his quiet breaths.
×
‘Good luck’ are the last words that Minseok ever says to Lu Han, the argument in the Cafe the last one they ever have. Lu Han doesn’t go back, to Minseok, to the cafe, to Korea. He leaves his past behind for good, cutting ties and doing what he should have done the first time. He’s full of regret, full of a tiredness for life.
Lu Han does do one thing before he leaves. He writes a letter -- forever too much of a coward to face things himself, forever still the same young, scared teenage boy he has always been. Lu Han is no longer naive though, and he seals the letter in an envelope, marks it with a name.
He stops by Minseok’s apartment when he knows no one will be there; leaving the letter on the table, along with the spare key Minseok had secretly gifted him. He leaves silently, without looking back.
Lu Han doesn’t mourn this time, doesn’t spend months breaking down behind camera. He’s older now, knows what to do, and he just returns to work, acts in another movie, records a new song, a new commercial.
He doesn’t miss Minseok now, but he misses his life with Minseok. He misses his life before Minseok, before EXO, before fame, when everything seemed just a little simpler.
Lu Han is good at pretending now, has made an entire career out of pretending, and he’s completely okay, definitely all right, all the time. He knows now not to trust love, not to trust anyone.
He does blink back a couple of stray tears, a few strands of emotion, when Yixing tells him that Minseok and Hakyeon broke up after Hakyeon found a letter addressed to him discussing the details of Minseok’s secret life, letting Hakyeon know everything that happened, about Minseok cheating. Yixing doesn’t tell him, but Lu Han knows that Yixing is aware of who exactly wrote that letter. Lu Han just nods, pretending not to care.
Hakyeon needed to know, deserved to understand that Minseok is amazing ,yes, but some things are just how they are, and life is sometimes not amazing.
At least Lu Han can rest easier knowing that not everything remained a lie after he left Korea.
Truthfully Lu Han thinks a lot about Minseok’s words, about him saying that he thought he loved Lu Han, but really didn’t. Lu Han thinks that maybe Minseok was right. Not just for him, but for Lu Han as well. For those few months, for that little pocket in time, they’d both clung to something past, something familiar, a way to break from real life and into the memories, into the things that once were.
But reality is reality, and Lu Han is no longer that person. Maybe somewhere, hidden beneath everything else that young idol remains, but Lu Han is just Lu Han now. Not Lu Han of EXO, Not Minseok’s Lu Han, not China’s Lu Han, just Lu Han.
Or so he thinks, because maybe in the end, as he bows to his parents, follows their wishes, acts how society decides he should act, he’s really just going to be that scared boy forever.
×
It’s only much later, years later, when Lu Han holds the hand of someone he never wanted to marry, someone given to him without choice, and glances down at the smiling child in front of him, that he really misses Minseok, really thinks back to the days when they first started, when they were shy, young and naive. It’s fitting, he thinks, that the day they get married, the skies are dark, and the rain is pouring.
He thinks back to everything they were, and everything they could have been, and he thinks of the lessons he’s learned, and the maturing he’s done, kissing his daughter goodbye on the cheek as she goes to her first kindergarten class ever, and turns to tell a woman he doesn’t love that he does, pretending to be happy.
Lu Han is always pretending now. On camera, off camera, to himself and to everybody around him, maybe even Yixing. He lives a life that is not his own, and should never have been his own, but he’s done wishing for things that he cannot get. He just hopes no one else ever notices that he’s really not all right. Lu Han is nothing he ever says he is.
It’s a good thing he’s an actor, isn’t it?
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