Round 15: when the flowers fall (2/3)
They met up more often after that. “It’s easy to talk to you,” Taekwoon said as he tapped his number into Kyungsoo’s phone. “You understand my pain of annoying band members.” Their schedules mostly allowed quick dinners or messages over LINE, sometimes a visit to the others’ apartment or the occasional movie- and somewhere along the way, Taekwoon became comfortable.
Kyungsoo realized that he couldn’t predict Taekwoon the way he could with everyone else. From someone so seemingly monotonous, Taekwoon should have been easy to read but maybe that was it. He was so unpredictable that Kyungsoo never knew what to expect. And Kyungsoo was pleasantly surprised each time. Like how Taekwoon would violently blush during romantic scenes in movies, then transform into a heartwarming, cooing mess when the animal channel came on. Or how his entire body was energized and his voice raised happily when he talked about the fans who brought their children.
Taekwoon was unpredictable and he liked that about him. Kyungsoo didn’t know what to be, how to act, around someone like him so Kyungsoo was just… Kyungsoo. It was comforting.
✿
“So I’ve been thinking…”
Kyungsoo looked up from slicing fruit to see Taekwoon staring intently at his hands. It was a rare Saturday they both had off, and since Sehun was visiting Zitao in China, Kyungsoo had invited Taekwoon over. “Don’t think too hard.” Kyungsoo laughed when he saw the small pout on Taekwoon’s face. It was just too easy to tease him. “Sorry, you were saying?”
“We should date.”
The knife dropped out of Kyungsoo’s hand. “What?!”
Taekwoon shrugged, reaching for across the table for an apple slice. “I mean we hang out enough as it is so-”
“You can’t… we can’t- just… date…”
“But you like me, right?”
“... ‘like’ is a really ambiguous term.”
“Right?”
What do you want, Do Kyungsoo?
“Right.”
“Okay. Good.” Taekwoon nodded. “Now I can do this.” He tugged Kyungsoo into his arms and buried his face in his neck. Breathing deeply, he let out a content sigh. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while.”
Kyungsoo stiffened. He didn’t think Taekwoon understood what this meant- what this started. Kyungsoo knew better than to desire. Being in this industry was like holding a match, where even the smallest spark could cause a fire, and Kyungsoo’s job, his one job, was to make sure that goddamn match never caught a flame. Wanting Taekwoon would be that first spark. Kyungsoo should have pushed him away, he should have laughed it off as a joke and suggested casual bromance. But it was warm. Taekwoon felt warm and secure against him with his arms locked around Kyungsoo. It felt really, really good. Taking in a hitched breath, Kyungsoo placed his hands on Taekwoon’s back.
Today he would indulge in selfishness.
✿
Kyungsoo sank to the ground as the poppies enveloped him. This was usually when he woke up from the dream, but this time was different. This time, a hand grabbed his own and pulled him up, up, up- until he was standing on the field. Red petals covered the grass and the sun broke through the clouds. The fog had disappeared, allowing him to see far into the distance. Kyungsoo titled his head back.
The sky was bright and clear.
✿
“We need to set some rules,” Kyungsoo decided.
“Why?”
Kyungsoo huffed at the innocent look Taekwoon was giving him, as if the man hadn’t just shown up unannounced at Kyungsoo’s drama set to for “a lunch date.” As if Taekwoon hadn’t casually wrapped an arm around his shoulder in front of his castmates. “I really hope you’re kidding.”
“I wanted to see you,” Taekwoon reached across the table for his hand. “I said I’m sorry, Soo.”
It wasn’t fair how easily Taekwoon could get his heart racing. Kyungsoo might have appeared calm, nonchalant even, but on the inside he was a squealing, blushing mess. Giving up, he gave a defeated sigh and squeezed Taekwoon’s hand back before slipping out his grasp.
“Okay, first rule: no holding hands.”
“In public,” Taekwoon added. Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow before continuing.
“Second: no PDA.”
“What about kissing?”
Kyungsoo’s eyes grew wide and he could feel his ears turn red. “Absolutely no kissing.”
“In public.”
“Take this seriously,” Kyungsoo groaned.
“How can I when everyone does skinship but you refuse to even hug?” Taekwoon smirked. Kyungsoo glowered at him. Even his smirk was adorable.
“We’re not exactly known for hugs,” Kyungsoo deadpanned. “I mean, you’re known for punching Jaehwan and I was voted most likely to sacrifice my members to Satan.”
“True,” Taekwoon mumbled. “I guess you’re right.”
“It’s not going to be easy. There’s always people watching us-”
“Like that sasaeng that’s been glaring at me since we did the musical.”
Kyungsoo nearly choked on his drink, eyes automatically darting over to the window. Thankfully, there were no sasaengs following him today. It was a good day. “Are you serious?”
Taekwoon shrugged, idly picking at the tablecloth. “I’ve noticed that she sometimes follows me around. I can tell she’s not my fan though- she’s been wearing the same ‘D.O Jjang!’ sweater every time I see her.”
“You need to be careful.” Kyungsoo shuddered as he recalled how intrusive those girls could be. There had been a month when he had had to switch his phone ten times to get them to stop calling. “They have no boundaries.”
“I’ve had my fair share of crazies. I can take care of myself,” Taekwoon reassured him. “You just worry about how you’re going to sneak out to the movies with me tonight.”
Kyungsoo was about to respond when the waitress arrived. He paused, determinedly ignoring Taekwoon’s foot prodding at him under the table, and waited for her to leave.
“Excuse me,” she quietly murmured. “I know this is a bit rude, but could you-”
He looked down at the pen and paper in her hands. Ah. Pasting a wide smile on his face, Kyungsoo politely laughed. “Of course. Who do I make it out to?”
When she left, Taekwoon cleared his throat. “Your face,” he motioned. “It was stretched all weird and your voice was so-”
“Beautiful?” Kyungsoo finished for him. He hungrily dug into his chicken katsu, letting out a low groan when he tasted the warm food.
“Fake,” Taekwoon corrected.
“That’s what the fans want from D.O, ” Kyungsoo mumbled around his food.
“I don’t like this D.O,” Taekwoon frowned. Staring intently at him, he gave a soft sigh. “Well, I don’t like him as much as Kyungsoo.”
“Are you high?” Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
Taekwoon smiled and reached over to place a piece of his own katsu on Kyungsoo’s plate. “That’s the Kyungsoo I like.” His fingers brushed against Kyungsoo’s wrist as he moved back. “My Kyungsoo.”
✿
Kyungsoo had to cancel their movie date. “Chanyeol’s coming over,” he told Taekwoon, who had immediately understood. If Chanyeol, rising music producer who was too busy to even take a shit, was willing to drive across the city to see him, it must have been important.
“We’re having a movie party,” Chanyeol announced as he stepped into the apartment. Waving around a disc, he tugged Kyungsoo to the living room. “You need to christen your new TV with a classic.”
Kyungsoo didn’t mention that he and Sehun had already christened it with a One Piece rerun- Chanyeol might have actually cried. Instead, he grabbed some popcorn and settled in to watch-
“The Wizard of Oz?” Kyungsoo asked as the opening credits began. “You came all the way over here to watch The Wizard of Oz?”
“Like I said, it’s a classic,” Chanyeol emphasized, stretching his ridiculously long legs across Kyungsoo’s lap. “Just watch.”
Kyungsoo had heard from Sehun that Chanyeol recently lost a record deal. Maybe he had come to whine about that. Or maybe he was already tired of rooming with Baekhyun. Kyungsoo knew those two wouldn’t last long, especially with how anal retentive Chanyeol could get about his belongings while Baekhyun lived by the “take-from-thy-roommates” philosophy. Whatever it was, Kyungsoo knew Chanyeol would eventually talk. Sure enough, he cleared his throat thirty minutes from the end of the film.
“Too many rules, man.” Chanyeol motioned at the screen, where Dorothy was having a breakdown upon meeting the Wizard.
“Hm?” Kyungsoo cheered silently when Toto caught the Wizard. He related greatly with the dog who was always taking care of others’ messes and keeping the team on track. Toto was the real hero of this film.
“Dorothy basically went crazy from that uptight family in Kansas and then she finds Oz isn’t any better. No wonder she freaked.” Chanyeol turned to look at him- Kyungsoo was unexpectedly struck by how aged he looked. “Too many rules and someone breaks, you know?”
Kyungsoo was reminded of his trainee days, when subway rides and late night ramen stops were a normal thing. Nowadays, they can’t eat ramen- too much sodium. Nowadays, they can’t ride the subway- too many fans. In that past, for a brief moment, Kyungsoo remembered laughing without worrying about his teeth or his eyes or if he was clapping or smiling at the right times. He remembered crying because he felt like it and singing purely because the noraebang was having a special discount for students. That past was before he had become a trainee, before he had become someone and the reality of his new life had sunk in.
But at some point, the number of costumes- the sheer number of masks and faces and personalities and smiles they constantly wore- it had all piled on and it was heavy. It was very, very heavy.
Kyungsoo took in the deep wrinkles around Chanyeol’s eyes (he remembered when they were softer), the gaunt cheeks. As he murmured a soft, “Yeah, I know,” Kyungsoo decided he had had enough.
✿
For a while, Kyungsoo treated their relationship like a game. Taekwoon would prod his back or secretly hold his hand while backstage at music shows, and Kyungsoo would spend his time in VIXX’s waiting room, teasing Jaehwan and laughing with Hakyeon as he ran fingers over Taekwoon’s back. There were the coded messages over LINE, the inside jokes, and then they moved on to sleepovers. Sehun jokingly insisted Taekwoon should pay rent since “he uses the spare bedroom like a second home”- he didn’t know that Taekwoon would wait until he was asleep to slip into Kyungsoo’s bed. Movie dates consisted of Taekwoon holding Kyungsoo’s hand under their jackets while Sanghyuk or Chanyeol would blab mercilessly next to them- “I thought you didn’t like to watch movies with other people, Kyungsoo. Hey, why is your face so red? It’s like negative degrees in here.” By the time they reached their first kiss, first drunken make-out session, first 100 days, first birthdays together, it had become so much more than a game. Every moment with Taekwoon was precious. (Every moment with Taekwoon was genuine.)
That’s how a year quickly flew by. And for the first time in a long time, Kyungsoo let go of the cycle. He felt like he could breathe.
✿
They were really lucky that Sehun had gone out for the night. Otherwise, he would have thought they were insane by the way they were screaming at each other right now. Kyungsoo glared at the innocent ticket that was lying between them. It was such a stupid thing to be fighting over.
"It's one concert, Soo!"
"You don't get it!" Kyungsoo shouted back. "That's all it takes- one concert and the fans will figure everything out and-"
"Taemin came! A fucking member of SHINee showed up and he sure as hell isn't dating anyone in VIXX so why can't you show up to one of our concerts?!"
"You're so frustrating!" Kyungsoo groaned, rubbing his temples. "Don't you see what this could do?"
"No, I really can't." Taekwoon closed his eyes, voice dropping into a tired murmur. "I don't understand why my boyfriend can't see me do something I love."
“That’s exactly my point!” Kyungsoo yelled, wildly waving his arms around. “They can’t know that I’m your boyfriend. We can’t let them even fantasize it because then all it takes is one crazy fan, one connection- one picture- and suddenly our entire careers are over!”
“What if I didn’t care? What if I just wanted you there and I didn’t give a damn about what those fans thought-”
“Are you an actual idiot? You must be stupid if you think that’ll work with these-”
“Don’t,” Taekwoon hissed, springing up from the couch. His glare, dark and piercing, made Kyungsoo unconsciously shrink back against the cushions. Kyungsoo had never seen him so angry, especially at him. “Don’t ever call me an idiot.”
It ended with Taekwoon slamming the door on his way out. Kyungsoo flung all the nice couch pillows behind him, shouting obscenities until he ran out of breath. How could Taekwoon not understand him? It was for his safety, for his reputation- stupid, stupid Taekwoon. Kyungsoo was in the middle of dusting off the pillows when Sehun came back.
“Oh, are you going?” Sehun nodded at the ticket.
“No.” Kyungsoo angrily threw a pillow at the couch. “You can take it.”
“Really? I guess I can go with Jongin since he’s going to see Wonshik.” Sehun paused, moving away when Kyungsoo picked up another pillow. “Is Taekwoon hyung coming over tonight?”
“No.”
Sehun tilted his head. “Are you guys fighting?”
Kyungsoo kicked a pillow at his head before heading to his room. “NO!” Slamming the door shut, he buried himself under the blankets. He was such a fool.
✿
In a way, Kyungsoo almost felt bad for Sehun. Over the next few days, Taekwoon didn’t send a single text or even leave a voicemail, which meant someone had to suffer the brunt of Kyungsoo’s anger. If Sehun was hungry, Kyungsoo threw a spoon at his head. If Sehun wanted to watch a movie, Kyungsoo threw the remote at his head. If Sehun, god bless the brat, even mentioned Taekwoon or VIXX, Kyungsoo chased after him with a frying pan.
By day six, Taekwoon and Kyungsoo still weren’t talking but Kyungsoo wasn’t going to lose. He refused to call Taekwoon. If Taekwoon wanted to be stubborn, then Kyungsoo could be twice as hardheaded. He was the King of Stubborn. He invented the concept of stubborn. If Jung Taekwoon thought he was going to guilt Kyungsoo into an undeserved apology, he had another thing coming.
“Could you please stop talking to yourself,” Sehun begged one morning. He had especially dark eye bags and looked slightly insane with his ruffled bed hair. “All your grumbling has been keeping me up.”
“If you have a problem with my grumbling, then go sleep somewhere else!” Kyungsoo barked as he slammed some pots around.
Sehun took his advice and left that evening for Zitao’s apartment. “I need sleep,” he moaned while leaving. “Please get over your little princess fit by the time I get back.”
Kyungsoo chucked a pile of laundry at his head, throwing the remaining basket in his direction as Sehun dashed out the door. He was most certainly not having a “princess fit.” He was being a rational adult and expressing his inner frustrations through violence, Kyungsoo reasoned as he carefully picked up the scattered clothing.
“Stupid,” he muttered at a sock. “This entire thing is so stupid.”
The doorbell rang and Kyungsoo let out a long groan. “Oh Sehun, stop forgetting to take the key!” After a few more rings, he trudged over to the door. “I swear to god, if you’re here because-”
“Hakyeon’s being an asshole so I’m sleeping over here tonight.”
Kyungsoo stood in dumbfoundment as Taekwoon pushed his way into the apartment. It wasn’t until he saw Taekwoon walk into his room that Kyungsoo finally understood that he was really here. “What are you doing here?!” he yelled, chasing after him. “I’m still mad at you so get out-”
“Like I said, Hakyeon’s being an asshole, complaining about how I’m an asshole, so here I am.” Taekwoon settled on the bed. “Also Sehun called and said you were going crazy.”
Kyungsoo was going to kill that brat. But first, he had to kill Taekwoon. “You didn’t send one message this entire week, nothing, and then you suddenly show up at my door as if you hadn’t terrorized this household-” He was cut off when Taekwoon tugged him down, wrapping his absurdly strong arms around him and tucking him into his chest.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry about fighting with you and I’m sure I’ll apologize more, but can we please just sleep for now? I haven’t been able to catch a break all week,” Taekwoon murmured.
Kyungsoo sniffed. It was unfair how Taekwoon just showed up out of nowhere and then decided to patch things up with him. Did he realize how much Kyungsoo had stressed and worried this week? Did he know how many hours Kyungsoo had spent staring at his phone? Kyungsoo should have yelled some more, maybe faux tossed him out for extra effect, but he was tired and Taekwoon’s arms were so comfortable. He could feel himself slowly falling asleep to the smooth rhythm of Taekwoon’s heartbeats.
“You’re so stubborn,” Taekwoon sighed. Kyungsoo stirred, ready to unleash his wrath, when Taekwoon held him closer and whispered, “I love you.”
He loves me.
✿
Poppy petals were scattered around his feet. The sky was bright and clear, and Kyungsoo could see that the field stretched far into the distance. A hand was clasped in his own, firm yet gentle in touch. He was struck with the urge to turn, to see this owner of the hand, but he found himself frozen.
It’ll be okay. The voice echoed in his head and filled him with warmth. He had heard it somewhere before. It was a beautiful voice. Kyungsoo squeezed the hand. Everything would be fine.
✿
"It's really not fair," Taekwoon muttered. His leg jiggled wildly as he flipped through the channels.
Kyungsoo didn’t understand why their “dates” always had to be at his place. He could admit it was a safe, private meeting place but maybe he wanted to visit VIXX’s dorm too. “But you have the ultra high-definition TV,” Taekwoon had once insisted. Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes at the TV, briefly sizing up the competition, before picking up his phone.
"What’s not fair?” he asked. He snorted at the Jaehwan's text- Did you know that I can fit an entire coin up my nose? That's pure talent.- before finally looking up at Taekwoon's deep grunt. "What?"
"You're doing it again."
"... listening to you?"
"No, that." Taekwoon gestured in his direction as he started at the TV. "That."
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, a retort at the edge of his lips when his phone dinged again- Hyung! Jaehwan hyung is trying to shove coins up his nose again! Please save your Hongbin from this heathen!! ;A;. Stifling a laugh, he quickly typed a response before turning back to Taekwoon.
"Unless you really want to tell me what I did wrong, with words, I'm going to leave you to mope while I take a shower."
"That!" Taekwoon groaned. "You're always texting with people and I barely get to see you enough as it is, but apparently everyone likes you!”
“Everyone what?” Kyungsoo incredulously asked. Was Taekwoon actually- “Jealous? Are you actually jealous right now?”
“That’s not the point- the point is that you’re too popular.” Taekwoon’s ears were turning red, his eyes nervously darting around the room. “Why do you have to be so attractive? Do you know how difficult that is?"
Kyungsoo paused. He could almost squeal at the pout on Taekwoon's lips, but Taekwoon wouldn't like that. Kyungsoo knew how difficult it was for Taekwoon to be admitting this right now. He wouldn’t be a good boyfriend if he laughed at Taekwoon’s pain. Chuckling softly, Kyungsoo tugged him down for a kiss.
Stupid. Because then they're not looking at you.
He loves me.
✿
Taekwoon was blunt. Kyungsoo had learned that Taekwoon didn’t waste his words, speaking his mind with the fewest syllables and simplest of motions. “If it’s not sincere, I won’t say it,“ he had once mentioned. Kyungsoo could understand that. That being said, there were times when Taekwoon was almost too blunt.
“I want to make love with you,” he announced while out shopping.
Kyungsoo nearly dropped the face cream he was holding, eyes bulging as he frantically checked around them. “Are you fucking insane?! There are people here-”
“Like I would say this in a shop full of people,” Taekwoon snorted. “I made sure no one’s here. Besides, we’ve got face masks on. Not to mention these ridiculous outfits-”
“It’s a disguise,” Kyungsoo insisted, tugging his cap down further. “Those crazy sasaengs are everywhere.”
“Because they wouldn’t notice two guys dressed completely in black with masks and sunglasses,” Taekwoon deadpanned. “Anyways, like I was saying, I want to make love-”
“I heard!” Kyungsoo hissed, quickly walking down the aisle. “You can’t just say that so suddenly.”
“I thought about it for a while… but I wanted to be sure you were okay with it first.”
Kyungsoo felt his chest swell. Coughing, he turned back to the display cases and rummaged through some moisturizers. “I have to think about it.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Kyungsoo glanced up to see Taekwoon fiddling with a bottle. “But don’t think that you have to or anything. I mean, I love you regardless so…” His ears were red. The flush was slowly spreading down to his neck and Kyungsoo knew Taekwoon must be so embarrassed right now.
“Just… lemme-” Kyungsoo reached for his phone. “When’s a good date?”
“... what?”
“A date,” Kyungsoo repeated, swiping his phone until he reached his personal calendar. “I’m busy with tours for another month so maybe after that? Oh wait, you said you had that audition so maybe we could, you know, on the 24th? Or maybe the 27th since that’s a weekend so…”
Staring intently at his phone, Kyungsoo knew he must sound so neurotic right now. But he needed to do this. Dates meant finalities and that would mean Kyungsoo could commit and oh god he needed to look up information and should they get a hotel? Do they need a hotel? Of course they need a hotel, where else would they do it? Definitely not at his place, unless Sehun was out of the country. Hell no to Taekwoon’s dorm. Kyungsoo looked up to see a funny grin on Taekwoon’s face and he must think I’m insane he must be laughing I look like an idiot oh god this entire thing is stupid and so not sexy-
“The 27th,” Taekwoon said, gently touching Kyungsoo’s hand, “sounds perfect.”
Kyungsoo willed his face to stop blushing, willed himself not to crouch down and squeal in the middle of the shop. Instead, he quickly made the event (THE NIGHT) in his calendar, sent Taekwoon an invite, and turned back to the display as nonchalantly as possible. “It’s a date then.”
He loves me.
✿
The world of gay sex was insane. Kyungsoo clicked out of the webpage and slammed his head against the desk. There was no way something could fit there, absolutely no way, and the pain, god, Kyungsoo didn’t even want to think about the pain. Not to mention, there were all the things to prepare and how would he even get those things? He let out a long, agonizing groan.
But Taekwoon wanted this, and Kyungsoo was lying if he said he didn’t also think about it. He just didn’t want to die in the process. Shaking his head, he opened the browser again. “Research,” he mumbled under his breath. “That’s all this is.”
And it really was ‘research.’ Kyungsoo looked up products, read reviews, studied diagrams- he made lists. There was a list for everything they would need (who knew condoms could be personalized??), another one for where they would buy the things; there was a list for what he should do there beforehand. Soon the weeks flew by as he rushed around secretly preparing for THE NIGHT. He’d sent out weekly reminders to him and Taekwoon, purchased all the necessary supplies online, and convinced Sehun to spend the night at Jongin’s place- all while juggling a full schedule. It had been mentally and physically exhausting, but Kyungsoo was pretty damn proud of himself.
“I worked really hard on this,” he mumbled tiredly when Taekwoon came over for THE NIGHT. “I spent weeks on all this stuff and there were lists-”
“Okay, you’re turning me off right now,” Taekwoon rolled his eyes. He reached out to him, wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist. “But I’m also really turned on by how eager you are.”
Kyungsoo tried to snort but it came out as more of a snore. “My list said I need to go freshen up for a few minutes so-”
Taekwoon cut him off, pressing their lips together in a rough kiss. “Please just shut up.” Kyungsoo whined in protest but then grew more compliant when Taekwoon started mouthing at his neck. “I say we ignore the list-” Taekwoon’s hands wandered down- “and get straight to it.”
Kyungsoo couldn’t argue when he was suddenly lifted and carried to the bed. Taekwoon pressed him against the cold sheets, tugging insistently at his shirt as he slid between his legs. Kyungsoo sighed and drowsily closed his eyes. Taekwoon felt so nice against his skin, and the sheets felt clean and soft, and and...
The last thing he felt before falling asleep was Taekwoon’s hand clasped firmly in his own.
✿
Kyungsoo woke up the next morning to a sticky note attached to his face. Left early for rehearsals. Call later. P.S.- You won’t get away next time. He buried his face in the pillow, heaving a long groan. As far as first times went, Kyungsoo was pretty sure that was literally a failure. Then again, it could have been worse. At least he didn’t cry, or puke. Kyungsoo looked at the note again, running his fingers over the messy handwriting. Besides, they had next time.
He jumped out of bed, willing his cheeks not to smolder, and quickly changed. Sehun was probably back, which meant the brat needed someone to make him breakfast.
“Sehun-ah,” Kyungsoo called out as he walked into the kitchen. “You want rice or cereal?”
Hearing no response, he glanced into the living room to find Sehun staring at his laptop. “Hey. Brat. Answer your hyung.”
“What…” Sehun looked up, eyebrows tight and lips barely moving. “What is this?”
“What are you talking about?” Kyungsoo muttered, walking over to see his laptop- that was his laptop and yesterday oh god he didn’t delete the stuff from- the research.
“Hyung.” Sehun’s voice was steely, his face so pale. “What the fuck is this?”
Kyungsoo felt his body grow cold, something heavy and numb crawl down his throat, settling in his feet.
“Is this why you sent me out last night?! So you could bring some fag over and fuck him? Did Taekwoon hyung know when he left this morning-” Sehun’s eyes grew wide, lips suddenly twisting in disgust. “Holy shit. Taekwoon hyung. You’re fucking Taekwoon hyung.”
Kyungsoo’s eyes shot up. No. Not Taekwoon. He couldn’t be caught. Not him. No. “That’s not it,” he hoarsely cried out. “Not Taekwoon. You don’t know-”
“Like hell I don’t!” Sehun sprang up from the couch. “Do you know what this could do to us? Are you shitting me right now?! All these years and you’re doing this to EXO? Are you trying to screw us over?!”
Kyungsoo collapsed to his knees. His breath stuttered, hands trembling as he clasped them together, voice gasping. “Please. Sehun, please. Not Taekwoon,” he begged. “Please don’t tell anyone- not Taekwoon. Please.”
Please please please.
Sehun glared down at him. Slamming the laptop shut, he pushed past Kyungsoo. “You are so fucking selfish.”
✿
New Year’s Eve was spent wrapping up concerts and finishing last-minute filmings. It was routine after all these years, and the realization that they would usher in the new year covered in pasty make-up and tired smiles had become all too familiar. There was still the New Year’s Eve party to look forward to- a huge gathering of the top stars and usually Sehun would be going on about the beautiful actresses that would be coming. Except Sehun wouldn’t look at him. He refused to talk to him, didn’t sit anywhere near him, and Kyungsoo would have ignored him too but the others were beginning to notice. Chanyeol was giving them looks and Joonmyun had tried to ask about it. Kyungsoo couldn’t handle it anymore so he needed to go to this goddamn party. He needed to feel better and the only way was if he saw Taekwoon again.
“Dashing,” Hakyeon laughed as he hugged Kyungsoo in greeting. He leaned in closer to be heard over the thumping music and loud voices. “I’m liking your new hair.”
Kyungsoo nervously ran his hand through the freshly dyed strands. (“Make me look irresistible,” he had told the stylist, adding a meek “Please” when the man gave him a smirk.) “It’s a little different,” he began.
“Oh wow,” Jaehwan butted in, eyes wide as he pulled Kyungsoo to him. “You should have gone blonde a long time ago, Kyungie!”
Kyungsoo chuckled, swatting away Jaehwan’s poking fingers. “I would have dyed it sooner but I didn’t want to look like you.”
“Whatever. No one can resist this chiseled face from God.”
“Stupid,” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “Where’s Taekwoon, anyways? Didn’t he come?”
“Ah, he had to take a phone call,” Hakyeon replied, bowing when an actor passed by.
Kyungsoo frowned. “At a party like this?”
“You know Taekwoon. He does what he wants when he wants.” Hakyeon grinned before wiggling his eyebrows. “But enough about Taekwoon. What about you? I heard a rumor that you brought a hot date to this party…”
Kyungsoo nearly choked on his drink. “What?!”
“Word is you’re seeing someone,” Hakyeon laughed, patting his back. “A recently debuted girl.”
“Right. Because I have time to date, much less keep track of all these kids that are debuting.”
Hakyeon shrugged. “You never know. The most random people hook up in this industry.”
Indeed. Kyungsoo gave a slow nod before turning away. “I’m going to go find Taekwoon. Everyone should be having fun.”
Ignoring Jaehwan’s whine, Kyungsoo pushed and bowed his way through the crowd until he reached an open hallway. It was thankfully quiet, empty save a security guard near the door. When he turned a corner, Kyungsoo heard soft murmurs.
“I know. I’ll be there next year. Promise.”
He glanced around a corner to see Taekwoon leaning against window, his tall frame hunched over. Noticing him, Taekwoon motioned to his phone.
“Yes. Yes. I know, Mom. Tell noona’s kid I said hi too. Yes.” Taekwoon paused, glancing quickly at Kyungsoo, before turning away. His voice was lowered, softer than usual, but months with Taekwoon had taught Kyungsoo to hear well- sometimes too well.
“I’ll bring someone home eventually. Don’t worry. Yes- yes, I know. One day.”
Kyungsoo tugged at his shirt. It was a little tight (it was Baekhyun’s) but the colour brought out his skin tone and even Minseok had said he looked good. It was his first New Year’s with Taekwoon. Kyungsoo wanted to look good.
“Sorry about that,” Taekwoon said, moving past Kyungsoo. “People must be looking for me. We should get back.”
“Hey,” Kyungsoo started. Look at me. He took a small breath. “Notice anything different?”
“Hm?” Taekwoon finally turned around, eyes briefly meeting his, before he nodded. “Nice hair. New, right? You should show the others.”
“They already saw. Everybody saw.” Except you.
“Yeah?” Taekwoon gave a tired grin as he turned away. “Well then let’s go back.”
As he followed Taekwoon back into the party- back into the unnecessarily loud music and pretentious smiles and perfect faces- Kyungsoo willed himself not to feel so terrible. After all, it was understandable that Taekwoon was tired and distracted- it was the year-end season. It was understandable that Kyungsoo’s new haircut would be overlooked- there were so many other beautiful people here. He shouldn’t feel so bad. He should be happy and excited, just like Jaehwan and Hakyeon, like Baekhyun and Chanyeol- he should be fine.
When he left the party, trailing behind a tipsy Ryeowook and a clingy Hakyeon, Kyungsoo caught a glimpse of himself in the building’s window. A shirt pulled tightly across his flat chest, short hair, an angled jaw line- “Kyungsoo, let’s go!” Chanyeol waved from a car. He tore his eyes away from his reflection.
It was understandable that Taekwoon, a man who cherished his family above everything else, would never bring him home. He would never introduce Kyungsoo to his parents, never show him his hometown, never share the New Year’s sebae*. After all, he was a man.
He loves me not.
✿
“Are you going out?” Sehun awkwardly stood at door, his gaze fixed on the floor. “Chanyeol hyung and Jongin are going sight-seeing so I thought I’d tag along…”
“Oh.” It was a miracle Sehun was even talking to him right now. He had ignored Kyungsoo for weeks, and Kyungsoo had expected that to continue when they were assigned the same room at the Dream Concert in L.A. “I think I’ll just stay in tonight.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” Kyungsoo echoed. It was so awkward. He and Sehun had never been this uncomfortable before, and it honestly pained him to see Sehun so confused and angry.
“Hyung, there’s something I need to tell you.” Sehun strode over to the couch and carefully sat down. “I thought about everything. For a long time. And… you’re happy. Like really happy.” He finally met Kyungsoo’s gaze, a rueful smile on his face. “I haven’t seen this side of you before, hyung, and I have to admit, it’s better than your usual, moody self.”
“Yah, Oh Sehun,” Kyungsoo choked out, relief flooding his entire body. “When have I ever been moody?”
“This entire week,” Sehun grunted. “You’ve been moping around. Did you and Taekwoon hyung get into a fight again?”
Kyungsoo didn’t know if it could even be defined as a fight. This wasn’t like the arguments they’d had before; this was something much darker that haunted Kyungsoo’s thoughts. “I don’t know.”
“Well whatever it is, I’ll go sleep in Jongin’s room tonight so you two, you know, figure it out,” Sehun waved his hands vaguely. “Just don’t tell me.”
Kyungsoo feebly grinned at him. “You probably wouldn’t get it even if I told you.”
“I don’t understand it, and I might not ever be able to,” Sehun shook his head. Kyungsoo felt his heart sink. “But you’re more important to me than all this bullshit.”
“... Sehun.”
“I won’t tell anyone, so don’t worry.” Kyungsoo caught the small tears that gathered in Sehun’s eyes before the younger turned away. Clearing his throat, Sehun got up to leave. “Just be careful, hyung. I don’t want to lose you.”
✿
Kyungsoo was in the middle of monitoring their performance- over a decade in this business and Joonmyun still looked like he was being electrocuted every time he danced- when someone banged on the hotel door. He froze. Manager hyung had promised no sasaengs would get into the hotel. Was it Sehun? No, that brat said he was out with Chanyeol-
“Soo! Open this goddamn door!”
Shit. Kyungsoo nearly tripped over his feet as he ran to the door. There was only one person who called him that but Taekwoon would never shout that loudly, not unless-
“Soo! My Soo!” Taekwoon cooed when the door opened. He flung himself into Kyungsoo’s arms, breathing into his neck. “I missed you so much, Soo.”
Drunk. Taekwoon, all six feet and sixty-three kilograms of him, was horribly drunk. Grimacing at the smell of alcohol, Kyungsoo dragged him to the couch. “Stupid.”
“I told you not to call me that!” Taekwoon pouted, kicking his feet petulantly. “I’m super, super smart!”
“Huh.” Kyungsoo idly considered filming him-drunk aegyo would be perfect blackmail- when Taekwoon suddenly lurched off the seat.
“I’m going to throw up,” he announced. Kyungsoo almost screeched as he pushed Taekwoon towards the bathroom.
“Why are you even drunk? We’re too old for these concerts,” Kyungsoo later huffed as he gently placed a cold towel on Taekwoon’s forehead. Taekwoon had finally stopped vomiting long enough to be moved to the bed, where Kyungsoo threatened a painful death should he throw up on it. “I can’t believe we’re still doing this shit.”
Taekwoon gave a weak chuckle, groaning when he moved his head too quickly. “Once an idol, always an idol.”
An idol. Four letters that weighed so heavily on their bodies. The world wasn’t just their stage, it was their lives- intrusive, overbearing, difficult. Being an idol held them back just as much as it pushed them into the light. Kyungsoo had always accepted that, that there would be some simplicities in life he would never have because he was an idol. But being with Taekwoon, he had found that those simplicities were what he wanted the most. Things like true love, engagement announcements, marriage- children.
“I’m sorry we had to meet this way,” Kyungsoo softly said. Reaching out for Taekwoon’s face, he slowly pulled back. “I can’t give you anything.”
“What’re you talking about?” Taekwoon mumbled, grabbing his hand. He pressed it against his face and sighed. “You’ve given me plenty.”
“But if I weren’t an idol… I could give you more.” I could give you what you deserve.
“But I’m so thankful for the way we are. I’m glad we’re both idols.” His eyes were piercing, focused. For a second, Kyungsoo wondered if Taekwoon really was drunk. “Because then I would have never met you.”
He loves me.
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