Round 2: you will never sleep alone (2/2)

[olymficsmod]

The wounds of Kris' departure were fresh so Joonmyun thought, Lu Han probably wouldn't be stupid enough to tap out this year. Maybe he'd go for a break, but taking the first plane home was out of the question. SM was making them follow a strict practice-show-sleep-practice again routine, after all. There was no opportunity to sneak out to do whatever they wanted to do. Baekhyun had to go out disguised as a girl just so he could walk along the Han with Taeyeon. Sehun and Zitao had to wear ridiculous outfits just to get past security and get themselves a nice cup of milk tea. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol couldn't even eat at Chanyeol's father's place in peace. There weren't people guarding them, watching them like a hawk, but at the back of their minds there were these mini SM guards that kept them from doing something they'd regret for the rest of their lived.

"You could've been seen," Joonmyun said through gritted teeth. He looked around for an audience, then balled his hand into a fist in Lu Han's shirt. "Are you stupid?"

Lu Han shrugged his shoulders and took a step back. Maybe he was trying to escape, trying to get out of the mess he could've made, but he isn't looking away. His eyes were fixed on Joonmyun's own and if Joonmyun squinted hard enough or leaned even closer, he'd see himself in them. Maybe even see the look on his face, even if he could feel the scrunching of his nose already. Jongin often called it his 'ugly face'; Lu Han called it 'the first sign of danger'. "Not- Not stupid," Lu Han countered after a while. He gulped hard. "I didn't drink. I didn't do anything. I just met up with a few friend-"

"Who have connections with media outlets back in Beijing. Friends who your fans know." Joonmyun took a deep, shaky breath. He tightened his grip on Lu Han's shirt, but maintained the distance between them. So Lu Han met him halfway, inched closer like he wasn't already in trouble, as it is. Like they hadn't just shuffled to a darker area of a street earlier and they weren't idols. Like he didn't care. "Do you know how many people are speculating shit about you missing shows again? You know what they're saying? 'His loyalty's gone. Will he be like Kris? Is he really leaving?'"

Joonmyun gulped hard and inhaled through gritted teeth. It made shiver. It was summer in earnest now; it wasn't supposed to be this cold. "Do you really want to give them the wrong idea, huh? Do you want them to think that-"

"I'm not giving them any ideas," Lu Han mumbled. He licked his lips, worried his bottom lip a little. Joonmyun dropped his gaze for a brief moment to Lu Han's mouth in response. Then he kicked himself at the back of his head for losing control again, for showing Lu Han that window of opportunity when he was weakest. "I mean, it's normal to meet up with friends, right? For a cup of coffee or two? Cake? Come on-"

"Don't fuck around with me," Joonmyun whispered. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth. He could loosen his grip on Lu Han now - Lu Han hadn't made any move to escape, after all - but he'd already lost the feeling in his fingers. He could've even tell if he was gripping the shirt too tight or too lose. Or if he wanted Lu Han to stay for the group or for- For what? He didn't need the proximity to keep the friendship alive; that's what mobile messengers were for. He didn't need the warmth only Lu Han could provide; their bodies pressed so close to each other already felt like drowning in a sea of alcohol. He didn't need Lu Han's voice to help steady his own; Jongdae was better at harmonizing with people, anyway. Or maybe he could con Minseok into singing more. There were nine other bodies who could fulfill that 'special role'. So the only reason he needed Lu Han to stay was for the group to remain intact, a solid group of eleven after one of them had pulled away. They didn't have anything special. Lu Han was just another guy.

And yet Lu Han was inching closer. And yet Lu Han was reaching up and reaching out, the cool pads of his fingers tracing a line along Joonmyun's jaw. And Joonmyun was shivering. His knees felt weak and he could feel his pulse beating strongly and the back of his knees, and he was shaking. The twelve inches between them were slowly thinning into eight, six, four, two, until the tip of Lu Han's nose touched Joonmyun's cheek.

He could feel Lu Han's chest heaving against his own, could feel Lu Han's hot breath on his skin. And he could hear all the voices in his head saying one thing - idol, idol, idol-

"I need a break," Lu Han whispered, lips pressed to a corner of Joonmyun's mouth. Something in Joonmyun snapped - a thin thread of hope, a fiber of his being. His patience, maybe even his resolve. Lu Han was good at making him go 'round and 'round, in circles. His patience wasn't as immeasurable as most people thought. "Health situation's getting worse. I'm tired. If I strain my vocals then I might not be able to sing ever again-"

He's saying, I'm not leaving but in the event that I disappear without prior notice, you know where I am. You know where to find me, and if I even want to be found.

It was selfish, wanting to walk away and yet have something to return to. It was selfish to want to have a harbor of sorts for when Lu Han realizes he's gone way off-track and he can't find his way home. It was stupid to ask for something like that. But it was also courageous. All of them were tired, overstretched, overextended, but Lu Han was the only one who had the balls to speak up to the management about it. Air out their concerns and remind the management that these were people they were dealing with. They weren't just revenue-generating assets; they were talents.

And Joonmyun was a bit jealous - of Lu Han's courage, of Lu Han not losing a sense of himself yet. Of Lu Han still keeping that trainee mentality that things could only get better with each new album, each release. If, during MAMA promotions, they had very little sleep, then Lu Han believed they could still get a bit more rest while they transitioned from Growl to Overdose. It was a bit stupid to wish for something so much and so hard, but they all needed that from time to time - a bit of naivety. Unfounded hope.

"How long?" Joonmyun muttered. Lu Han hummed. The vibrations made him choke on his own spit. Lu Han's lips were warm, but his fingers splayed on Joonmyun's stomach were cold. It was a push and pull just as sick as their dynamic when locked up in a tiny room with no one to hold but each other. "How much time-"

"I don't know."

"You can't not know." He inched back for a while but Lu Han pulled him closer. Maybe they should make a run for it now, while the fans were still debating whether they'd seen Lu Han take a left turn or a right while Lu Han was trying to lose them. Maybe they should slip inside the building now, hop on the elevator. Try to keep their hands in their pockets until they got to Joonmyun's room and then let loose as soon the door shut closed. Maybe they should stop because wasn't Lu Han planning to run away? Joonmyun should be helping himself. He shouldn't be causing himself pain this way, but letting Lu Han nibble his bottom lip. "You can't make everyone wait-"

"I can tell them. As early as now," Lu Han whispered. He pulled away for a second, just for a quick breath, and Joonmyun chased after him with his lips, body moving on its own accord. Lu Han chuckled in response and Joonmyun twisted his knuckles in Lu Han's shirt all the more. Fuck this weak resolve. Fuck his lack of control. Fuck those one, two fans hiding behind a tree just a few feet away. Joonmyun had a mask in his pocket; he could use that to cover kiss-swollen lips. The fans wouldn't be able to see anything, use anything to create an issue. "One by one," Lu Han continued, then licked the seam of Joonmyun's lips, the right corner, the left. The back of Joonmyun's teeth when Lu Han bucked his hips, the warmth between his legs brushing against Joonmyun's leg, and Joonmyun parted his lips in thoughtless response. "So that they won't be surprised-"

It wouldn't be a surprise anymore, not to anyone in the group. Joonmyun heard Jongin and Sehun talking about it a few days back, on the second day the same week that Lu Han had to skip practice. Sehun read the apology text out loud, then shot Jongin a look. Jongin gave him this half smile, half frown thing that made Sehun scowl in response. Later that day, Joonmyun heard Sehun saying, 'I know he's tired and he's just looking after himself but what about-' Hurt creeps up on you like that, wraps around your neck and chokes down all the right words threatening to spill from your lips. It's the same thing that wouldn't let Sehun smile for the rest of the practice, up until he and Jongin spent two hours playing games and just generally letting off some steam.

Joonmyun could recall Sehun's slow, deliberate nod as he said, 'Well, what can we do? I mean, he's sick. And if you're sick, wouldn't you want to just rest?' They all knew what Lu Han had to go through during MAMA promotions. He spent half the time backstage taking his medications, trying to relax, telling his body to cooperate. During Wolf promotions, he had to sit still before performances even if he wanted so much to run through the choreography with the rest of the group, wanted to harmonize with Yixing and Jongdae. Come Growl promotions, he was rushing to the doctor after their last scheduled show for the day for his peace of mind, just to make sure that he was healthy enough to join the group for the shows the following day.

Kris was his faithful companion for all his doctor's appointments then. Joonmyun wondered now if Kris ever told Lu Han, 'You know, there's a fine line between giving up and knowing your limits.'

"Yixing knows?" Joonmyun interrupted.

"Not yet." Lu Han sniffled. "I mean, I haven't told him yet. But I think he knows."

Joonmyun snorted. Yixing knew a lot of things about Lu Han; maybe this little tryst of theirs wasn't one of them.

"The rest of M?"

"Taozi... knows, I think." Lu Han pressed closer, sucked on Joonmyun's bottom lip like he was telling him to just stop, stop talking, just keep kissing. "Who doesn't? I just have to make it official. It's not as if-"

It's not as if you intended to stay, Joonmyun wanted to say. It's not as if Lu Han ever hid anything from them, bar the late-night drives and the meet ups with friends from different entertainment companies. Or maybe Lu Han hadn't really been keeping anything a secret; Joonmyun was just looking elsewhere, listening to something, someone else. The voices at the back of his head, voices of people from media, then fans, people who think they know them. It was becoming even more difficult to concentrate these days, what with all the rumors surrounding them.

"It's normal," Joonmyun whispered, whimpered when Lu Han began to suck on his top lip. He bucked his hips. "To be tired. Worn out."

"To give up?"

Joonmyun shook his head, took Lu Han's brief moment of surrender to get even and suck a bright, red mark on the underside of his jaw before nibbling on Lu Han's ear. "To want to give up," he murmured. He leaned even closer, then, whispering right into Lu Han's ear, "But still find ways to make things work."

Lu Han chuckled, but soon Joonmyun swallowed the rest of the tone with the open press of his mouth against Lu Han's own.

Behind them, a car sped along the stretch of the road. There was a flicker of lights over Lu Han's shoulder. And there was no one else around, just the two of them trapped in this darkness, their bodies crammed in a tight fit, their chests heaving in tandem with each other. Perfect timing, Joonmyun wondered as he threw his head back, parting his lips even more. Giving up, and letting Lu Han in.

They slipped inside the dorm five minutes after, making a beeline for Joonmyun's room as soon as they got in. They ignored the passing glance Baekhyun threw at them, just shrugged at Minseok's faint 'huh' after narrowly avoiding running into a collision. Lu Han had a brown envelope filled with possible excuses they could use: we're going through the new schedule, we're working on a couple of songs, we're rehearsing a script for tomorrow's radio show. We have weird sex and use office supplies to pleasure each other- The possibilities were endless, and they had limited time. In a few hours, they had to be up for a morning show they had to guest in. In a few hours, Lu Han had to slip back into the room he shared with Yixing, otherwise Joonmyun would have to be on the receiving end of weird, knowing looks from Yixing again. In a few hours, Lu Han had to accept that he had to be an idol for a few more days, weeks, hours, until whatever he was trying to work out with SM or his friends got settled. So they made full use of whatever spare time they had, Lu Han slipping his hands beneath Joonmyun's shirt and Joonmyun backing Lu Han up against the wall, kissing every part of him. Pulling away only for Lu Han to remove his shirt completely and throw it into a corner.

"That's the pile for-" Joonmyun groaned as Lu Han ran a thumb along his nipple. "-the stuff I have to return- to Kyungsoo-"

"He won't know unless you tell him," Lu Han whispered, laughing a little. He slipped his hands around Joonmyun's waist, then, and guided him to the bed. "Nobody has to know."

Joonmyun gulped hard. Laughed, because words were elusive again and really, he had no better response to this. So he kept mum about it even until the morning after when Kyungsoo dropped his gaze to the bright marks along Joonmyun's neck, even when Yixing asked him through the quiet language of his stare, 'I don't know what you two are up to but what the hell?' Didn't talk to anyone about all those times Lu Han knocked on his door with all of his clothes intact and tossed them to the floor just minutes after, or those times when he came seeking Lu Han out at three in the morning, too many miles away, his phone pressed to his ear as he listened to Lu Han on the other side of the line and stroked himself in the bathroom.

Didn't talk to anyone about Lu Han's plans, both final and just weird, aimless desires. Didn't talk to Lu Han about leaving, being left behind, and the probability of not returning to something akin to hime. Didn't talk about the wild thumping in his chest everytime Lu Han looked and smiled his way. Instead, he took Lu Han's hand and drew it close to his chest where the turmoil was greatest, where he felt the most vulnerable and, at the same time, alive.

♯

Most of them would say that the whole 'letting people know' shenanigans started with Zitao slamming the door shut behind him and Lu Han running after him in an attempt to pacify him. There was an ounce of truth to it - it was the only time Lu Han ever openly expressed his intent to leave. Everybody was there to witness it, to react, but none of them said a thing. ZItao just sped past all of them, went out, didn't even grab his car keys. He'd return two hours after, bottom lip chapped and eyes sullen. And Kyungsoo would be ready with a cup of coffee and ramyun for him.

But the truth was this: Lu Han told Minseok first, as soon as Minseok had come out from his shower.

Minseok's bangs were still stuck to his forehead and he only had a towel around his waist then. His eyebrows were tied in a tight knot, and his lips were turned down into a frown. "What?" was his first reaction; his second, "What the fuck?" And then it was a stream of unspoken questions after that. Minseok wouldn't speak about it until minutes after, properly clothed and his bangs brushed back so he could look at Lu Han better. "What the hell do you mean, you're leaving the group?"

"Taking a break," Lu Han mumbled. From a corner of his eye, he met Joonmyun's gaze. So he shifted in his position, turned to his right so that Joonmyun was in his direct line of sight. Or maybe Lu Han was just trying to find a balance between really facing Minseok but having the opportunity to look away at the first sign of fear; Joonmyun just happened to get in the way. "Getting some rest. I'm... working some things out with the management and-"

Joonmyun gulped - in response or in stimulus, he couldn't tell. He'd wrapped his actions around Lu Han's own a long, long time ago that by now it already seemed impossible for whatever he did to not be linked to Lu Han, somehow. It was almost sickening, the dependence, knowing that Lu Han would leave someday, and someday soon. Joonmyun wasn't a stranger to people taking the first flight out of his life, walking past him without even giving him a second glance, waving at him one minute then packing their bags the next. But when you've formed a connection this strong with someone, 'letting go' of the ties that bind becomes ten times harder.

"-and... I'll come back, y'know? I've worked hard for this dream. We've all worked hard for this. I... don't want to put everyone's hard work to waste-"

"You're not trying to pull a Kris on us."

"I'm not. I know better now," Lu Han replied. He laughed a little. Joonmyun did, too, feeling the knot in his chest loosen. The tight press of Minseok's lips had eased into a tiny, tiny smile. "I wouldn't even dare."

Minseok snorted. "If you knew better then you shouldn't have pushed yourself too hard during practice."

"It doesn't make sense, doing things in half measures," Lu Han mumbled. He worried his bottom lip, and for a moment Joonmyun wanted to reach out, make Lu Han stop, make Lu Han memorize the slide of their mouths and get rid of that bad lip-biting habit. It was sinful. He didn't. Instead, he clasped his hands in front of him, took a deep breath in anticipation of Minseok's next words.

"I hate to say this, but I agree," Minseok replied. He locked his arms behind his back, then added, "And for the record, I hate you. I'd beat you to a pulp right now but I'm tired. So-" Minseok reached out, pinching Lu Han in his side and kicking him in the calf. He had this half smile, half frown on his lips that made him look more conflicted than ever. Joonmyun felt his stomach do this funny lurch that made him want to throw up. It wasn't a good look on Minseok. He was rarely ever uncertain about things, after all. If he ever was, he didn't let it show. Instead, he just worked harder, tried to get better at masking his insecurities. "If I see your face on posters during your extended break, I swear to God, Lu Han, I won't think twice about kicking your sorry ass."

"My glorious ass, you mean!" Lu Han said. His eyes were watering at the corners. And his voice was faltering. But then Minseok had just kicked him again, smiling more definitively this time, like the initial discomfort was slowly wearing off. "What? You said before that-"

"You're coming back," Minseok said, declared. His voice had dropped dangerously low, but it didn't sound like a threat. If anything, it was Minseok taking a defensive stance. Like he wasn't fully committing himself to hoping just yet that Lu Han wouldn't ever return. "You said you're taking a break, so that means-"

"I am," Lu Han answered, nodding. The smile on his lips was bright, blinding. It tore at the corners of his lips and pulled up the rest of his mouth. It made Joonmyun's breath hitch. "I'm coming back."

Minseok looked at him a little longer, the words for You might be lying but what the hell, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt scrawled on his eyebrows. "Alright," he said after a while, then dug his hands into his pockets. They were balled into fists. "That's all I needed to know."

Lu Han let out a loud exhale, then wrapped his arms around Minseok to pull him into a tight hug. Minseok's eyes widened but only for a split second, because soon he was burying his face in the crook of Lu Han's neck and was whispering something against Lu Han's skin. And they were laughing. It was so intimate a gesture that Joonmyun almost felt as if he was intruding. So he took a deep breath, matched that with one, two, three steps back until he could feel his knuckles grazing the wall behind them. The friction burned, felt like he was trying to rub himself off a flammable surface so he could set himself on fire. And it was crazy. It was crazy how a simple brush of his skin against the smooth wall could leave such a lasting burn. It was crazy how his stomach kept tossing and turning like a bomb had been dropped inside it and was wrecking havoc upon his system. It was crazy that all he wanted right now was to pull Lu Han away by the back of his shirt and remind him that this is an 'us' thing, right? This whole 'keeping the departure' a secret? C'mon, Lu Han, we made a deal. A heart in exchange for staying and all of your secrets. A kiss in exchange for my word to keep quiet about the whole thing. You can't break your promise just like that. It's not fair-

"Well, that went better than expected," Joonmyun heard Lu Han saying. His body gave a tiny jerk, jolting him back to this reality where Lu Han was only two feet away. Or just one one foot, now that Lu Han was walking in his direction. Lu Han looked up, then, meeting Joonmyun in the eye, and Joonmyun took a deep breath at the first contact, at seeing himself reflected in Lu Han's eyes. He looked like he was about to laugh or to cry or to laugh-cry, whichever came first. And Lu Han was laughing at him, just a tiny bubble of laughter on his lips soon blooming into a loud cackle. It set off explosions at the tips of Joonmyun's fingers.

"You look like you were the one who just said he was leaving," Lu Han teased. He gave Joonmyun's foot a light kick, brushed his knuckles against Joonmyun's cheek. Dropped the same hand on Joonmyun shoulder then let it slip until the tips of his fingers were holding onto Joonmyun's collarbone for balance. Here it was again, the push and pull of warmth and cold kept compact in the tiny vessel of Lu Han's hand. And here Joonmyun was again, trying to hold back, but giving in just the same. "You alright?"

"Are you okay?" Joonmyun asked. Lu Han snorted. His fingers trembled a little against Joonmyun's skin. "Hey, I asked you: are you-"

"I'm good," Lu Han whispered. He looked over his shoulder, then rested his other hand on Joonmyun's waist when he saw that Minseok was gone. "Like I said, could've been worse. I think he's just... pretty chill tonight. Yoga makes him happy. I like it when people are happy."

So stay, Joonmyun wanted to say, because what would make him happier than seeing them as a complete group of eleven? They could Photoshop Kris' picture somewhere in their lives, in the chair that they always left vacant in the dining area. Or hang Kris' picture again in the living room just to make their lives easier during the quick photo-op. Kris never really left, after all. The sting of the departure hurt the first two, three weeks, when Joonmyun felt like Kris decided to dump all his leader shit on him one day, when the group needed more than just the casual pat on the back or a small smile to urge them move forward, do better, give every performance their 100%.

And then Lu Han started knocking on his door, started sticking his hand down Joonmyun's pants, started kissing him long enough for Joonmyun to feel a dull ache in his jaw in the morning. Started sleeping in Joonmyun's bed until three in the morning so he could return to his own room before Yixing could start 'sleepwalking' in search for him. Then started not giving a fuck, rousing only when Joonmyun was already up and accompanying Joonmyun in his worst zombie state, following him to the kitchen to give him a sloppy morning kiss.

Joonmyun licked his lips now, bit his bottom lip in an attempt to keep the silly words from spilling from the corners of his mouth. Dropped his gaze, too, to the gentle swell of Lu Han's lips. There was a tiny scar somewhere there, a thin red line of blood from where he'd bitten down on Lu Han's lips in the hope of keeping Lu Han from being too loud. From leaving too many scars and marks on Joonmyun's skin, mind, heart. He could lean in now, try to say whatever he wanted to say though the inelegant slide of their mouths, but-

"What do you do-" Joonmyun began, pausing to look to their left, then their right. He craned his neck a little. A few feet away, he could hear a couple of people wailing. He could hear Kyungsoo's heavy footsteps in the kitchen, and Baekhyun's triumphant yay! Maybe they were playing Super Smash Bros. again. The others were busy. The two of them were alone here. They were safe. So Joonmyun inched even closer, stopping only when their lips brushed, when he felt Lu Han's hot breath fanning on his skin. "-when you make people sad? How do you make things right again?"

"When I make people sad?" Lu Han asked, voice cracking as if it was impossible for him to break hearts. "Why would I make people sad?"

"Not the question," Joonmyun murmured. "Answer me."

"Do I really have to?"

"Do you?" Joonmyun asked. He wasn't sure of what he was asking anymore, just that he was in need of answers, all of them Lu Han could provide. He reached for Lu Han's hands, gripped them tight like it was the only thing he could do to keep him here. "Do you really have to?"

Lu Han gulped hard, Adam's apple bobbing in his neck. He blew out a stream of hot air, tousling Joonmyun's hair a little. "I do," he whispered after a while. His lips quivered. "And when I make people sad, I tell them I'm sorry. Because I really am." He reached up, tracing Joonmyun's bottom lip with his thumb. "And if they don't believe that I am then I kiss them to make them feel that I'm telling the truth."

Joonmyun scoffed. "You kiss all the people who you make sad?"

"Nah," Lu Han replied, shaking his head. He leaned close, resting his forehead on Joonmyun's own. "Just the ones I like enough to kiss."

A traitorous cold wrapped around Joonmyun's neck, gripped at it tight, dropped something at the pit of his stomach and set off an explosion so strong Joonmyun felt his knees shake a little. Now you've done it, Joonmyun wanted to say. You've really done it now. When Lu Han swore to jazz things up a little, ease the pain of being left behind with alcohol and maybe a light kiss to the corners of Joonmyun's lips, Joonmyun wasn't expecting this - a collision of limbs, the inelegant slide of their mouths, the voices at the back of his mind screaming, Lu Han, Lu Han, Lu Han- But he should have seen it coming. Lu Han had the face of people who could easily build you up then break you into pieces in a blink of an eye. He had the smile that could win people over in a heartbeat, a smile that could lift worries faster than Joonmyun could say 'hello' in his best idol voice. He had eyes that couldn't hide whatever he was feeling inside and a tender touch that spoke more than the casual hi's and hello's that they usually exchanged when they passed each other in the corridors, between schedules, flights.

Joonmyun gulped hard. Leaned back to put distance between them because what if other people see? What if Minseok suddenly walked in on them and asked why? What if Lu Han kissed him now and then suddenly realized that he didn't like this, that it was the perfect excuse to hop on the first flight out of the country and away from Joonmyun's perimeter? What if Lu Han found out that Joonmyun wanted more than just to kiss him to take the pain away?

"Bullshit," Joonmyun muttered under his breath.

Lu Han laughed a little. "You know I'm a shitty liar."

I don't, Joonmyun wanted to say. He didn't know much about Lu Han. All he knew was that Lu Han was a great kisser, was great in bed. That Lu Han left scars on everything he touched and broke all the hearts he's ever splayed his fingers on.

"I don't know."

"You don't know what?"

"I-" Joonmyun shook his head, turned his face to the side. He bit the inside of the cheek when he felt Lu Han inch closer, his hot breath prickling Joonmyun's skin. "I don't know-"

So let's find out together, was probably what Lu Han wanted to say, but they both knew he was shitty at verbalizing whatever he wanted to say if he wasn't singing. So Lu Han leaned in, pressed his lips to a corner of Joonmyun's mouth before cupping one cheek with his hand. This language, Joonmyun could understand - the light tremble of Lu Han's fingers was 'Well, I don't know what I'm doing, either'. The soft moan spilling from his lips when Joonmyun sucked on bottom lip was 'But I like how it feels. Keep it up. Keep going. Don't stop-' A few feet away, the rest of the band was cheering, Baekhyun and Chanyeol's voices soaring above the collective noise, but Lu Han was forcing Joonmyun to focus all of his attention on this kiss, this moment, on him. Lu Han was cupping his face with sticky palms and a strong pulse pressed to his skin. And Lu Han was whispering Joonmyun's name under his breath like a prayer, like it was the only word he knew and could wrap his tongue around.

And Joonmyun was pulling him in the direction of his room, away from the noise in the living room, shielded from the rest of the world.

They stayed up until three in the morning in a messy tangle of limbs, knowing that they had a show to guest at at nine in the morning. "Yixing's probably looking-" Joonmyun began, withdrawing his arms from where he had them around Lu Han's waist, but Lu Han shook his head, pressed his warm mouth on Joonmyun's own until he could swallow the rest of Joonmyun's words with every suck, lick, every nibble on Joonmyun's lips. They had a flight bound for Beijing scheduled in the evening and all the hours leading up to that were peppered with nothing but promotional shows, so Joonmyun gave in, let slip a tiny whimper that he would have otherwise bitten back if Lu Han hadn't been asking so nicely: please, please, please let me get what I want this time.

♯

Practice didn't go so well. The dull ache in Yixing's back had bloomed into something more uncontrollable again. The pills weren't doing anything to ease the pain. Jongin was going to have to overextend himself and try to distract the fans from Yixing's scrunched up face while dancing. Minseok had offered to cover for Yixing, but who was he kidding? Yixing wasn't the type who'd sit back and stop dancing just because his back was causing him problems. He still had his limbs; he was definitely still going to perform.

And Lu Han was weakening. The coughing had already died down, but he looked so pale and worn out that Joonmyun couldn't imagine how the stylists would do his make up without wanting to take him in their arms.

The concert went smoothly, nonetheless. Before the second half of the show, Lu Han offered to do the pep talk, the battle speech, the one monologue Joonmyun loved giving. "Y'know what? Screw the back pains and the ankle injuries and the sore throats. We'll get through this together. So we have to give it our all like it's our last performance, like it's the last time we'll stand on stage-"

Like it's the last time you'll tear me apart, said a voice at the back of Joonmyun's mind. He bit the inside of his cheek and shushed that voice until he could hear nothing but the thrumming in his chest.

"-like it's the last chance we'll ever get to sing the same song and we have everything to lose," Joonmyun continued. He took a deep breath, then stretched out his hand to the center of their huddle. He lifted his gaze, then, meeting Lu Han's eyes, pinning him in place with a careful stare. "Okay, let's do this! We are one!"

Lu Han's eyes widened and his lips fell open into a tiny 'o', just enough for a sliver of a hum to spill from his lips. Beside Lu Han, Minseok was nodding in thought, resting his hand atop Joonmyun's own and giving it a gentle squeeze before asking the others to join. It's such a normal gesture for them, an action they've been programmed to do before every single performance or show, but it feels so different now. They're in Beijing and Lu Han's hours away from 'home'. They have a couple more songs to perform, and then they're off on their separate lives. It feels like a 'goodbye' instead of a mark for the second half of their show. So Joonmyun cracks his neck, holds Lu Han's gaze and offers him a soft smile despite his quivering lips, despite the weight of nine other hands lumping atop his own.

"We are one!" Lu Han screams at the top of his lungs, then rests his hand on top of the pile. It feels oddly light, Joonmyun mused. With a nod of the head, they all brought their hands down, then launched them back in the air and chant their victory song in preparation for the next performance.

We are one, the words echoed at the back of Joonmyun's mind. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before stepping on stage. The lights were bright; the cheers of the crowd were deafening. And Lu Han's steady gaze from the other side of the stage was unwavering, much like the heavy thumping in Joonmyun's chest, the thundering pulse in the back of his knees, Lu Han's voice looping in his ears like his favorite song.

♫

Five in the morning, Joonmyun notes. Five in the morning in Beijing and Lu Han's still in bed with him, fully clothed, smelling like a sick mix of alcohol and a string of bad decisions. Lu Han could've easily snuck off last night, dragged his bags behind him and stayed over at a friend's place until EXO had finally gotten on their flight back to Korea, but he didn't. He's still here, a smidgen of drool flaunted on a corner of his mouth, his lips slightly parted as short bursts of snores spill from his lips. It's moments like this that make Joonmyun wish Lu Han had just been kidding about the injuries, the poor health condition, the struggles all this time. It's times like this that make him want to stay in the shadows and never step into the spotlight, then pull Lu Han into the darkness with him.

If Lu Han asked him to take off the idol mask, he'd do so in a heartbeat. Or maybe even more, after careful consideration of where they were, the people around them, the trouble they might get the others into. And when Joonmyun's already resolved to himself that they're safe, nobody's here to breathe down their neck, he'd toss the mask to the side so he could kiss Lu Han better.

"Do we have to get up?" Lu Han mumbles. Joonmyun jerks back a little, startled by the sudden sound. Lu Han laughs. "You kissed me the moment you got up. You can expect me not wake up at that."

Joonmyun snorts. Pinches the tip of Lu Han's nose, too, and dances his fingers down the column of Lu Han's throat. Lu Han's skin is sticky, warm, a twisted kind of home that Joonmyun isn't sure if he can part with. Just the thought of staying away makes him shiver.

"What are you, a princess?" he asks,

Lu Han narrows his eyes for a moment, worrying his bottom lip as he does so. Then he's pursing his lips like he means to keep himself from grinning or cackling or laughing. Like he means to keep himself from balling his hand into a fist in Joonmyun's shirt so he could get a taste of that wake up kiss again. "Only if you're the prince," Lu Han whispers, then sticks out his tongue. His eyes dart to the wall clock all of a sudden, and Joonmyun takes that as a sign to lean back. Put some space between them. If he wants to ease himself back into this getting left behind thing again then it's best to start now. "Fuck, I need to shower. I'm gross."

"You can use my bathroom," Joonmyun murmurs. He reaches for the shirt he was supposed to offer Lu Han last night and throws it in Lu Han's direction. He misses by the width of a hair. He wouldn't have if Lu Han hadn't moved and lunged to pull him by the front of his shirt, if Lu Han hadn't reached out to reel him back in. Lu Han stinks right now but that doesn't take away from how soft his lips look, or how that gentle upward curl of the lip makes his mouth ten times more interesting than it already is. And it doesn't lift the slow, simmering sensation at the pit of Joonmyun's stomach, either. If anything, it sets his insides aflame again, burning brighter than before. "There's still a spare towel there, I think?"

"We can shower together," Lu Han whispers. He leans in, just close enough for Joonmyun to feel the rough brushing of their lips but not close enough that they wouldn't have a choice but to kiss. He hums. "To save time."

"I shower fast," Joonmyun argues.

"Yeah. It's dressing up that takes time for you." Lu Han still hasn't pulled away, though, still hasn't jerked back and remembered that hey, I have to take a bath. Maybe Joonmyun doesn't like kissing people who stink. But the reality is that Lu Han knows Joonmyun makes exceptions for everything. He doesn't hate Baekhyun's noise as much as he hates other people belting out songs at two in the morning. He doesn't mind losing to Jongin in Super Smash Bros.. He doesn't mind kissing Lu Han with the stains of last night still in Lu Han's mouth. Still, Lu Han pulls away, putting just two inches of space between them before saying, "You're getting into the showers. With me. Now."

It's just a quick bath, Joonmyun tells himself. Reminds himself that friends do this, step under the spray and splay their fingers all over each other's body in an attempt to lather as much soap on each other's skin as possible. He can't be the only guy who's fallen prey to something like this, can't possibly be the only idol who's ever shared a kiss with his bandmate and has jerked off a friend for the sake of a better working relationship. He can't be the only guy to ever think of wanting to spend the next five, ten years linking hands with a bandmate despite the scrutinizing gaze of people all around them. He can't be the only one who's made the same mistake of getting too attached and receiving nothing but empty promises in return.

"Let make it quick," Joonmyun says after a while.

"We have time," Lu Han retorts as he pulls Joonmyun inside. He means, we still have two hours to ourselves. Might as well make full use of it, right?

They spend a good twenty minutes in the shower, water beating down on their bare backs as their lips find a sloppy slide, a strange but comfortable fit. Lu Han doesn't stop kissing him - his lips, the underside of his jaw, the column of his neck, each and every single part of Joonmyun that his mouth can reach and trace scars on - even as they rock their hips, cocks sliding and brushing against each other in a torturous rhythm. Even as Lu Han works a finger inside Joonmyun, stretching him thoroughly before introducing a second finger and scissoring the digits inside him. Only pulls away when the fit becomes unbearable and as he pushes another finger inside Joonmyun, and then another, twisting his fingers inside until Joonmyun whimpering and slamming his fist against the cool tiles of the wall. The sudden wave of cold is overwhelming, makes Joonmyun shiver and makes his insides turn, but soon Lu Han's pushing his length inside Joonmyun, his warm chest pressed to Joonmyun's back. Joonmyun doesn't bite back the low groan that knocks at the back of his teeth, doesn't keep himself from digging his nails into Lu Han's thigh as Lu Han rocks into him in a slow, easy rhythm. Instead, he lets it wash over him, all these sounds and tiny details that make up Lu Han - the cracks and lilts in his voice when he asks, "Can I go faster," the choked humming spilling from his lips when Joonmyun pushes back and guides Lu Han's hands to his cock. The warm mouth closing in on Joonmyun's earlobe and Lu Han's soft ah's as he spills inside Joonmyun, too pliant and too willing.

Later, during breakfast, Lu Han links their ankles together under the table. The stretch is difficult, like trying to force a thick piece of tteok down a narrow nozzle or trying to reach a particularly high note well outside Joonmyun's range, but Joonmyun doesn't mind. The worst that could happen is for them to get matching ankle aches later and for that to show during the practice. Or for Zitao to ask, "Why are you both slouching? Don't you know that it's bad for your posture?"

"Joonmyun's my idol. I do whatever he asks me to do," Lu Han says in thoughtless response, and meets Joonmyun's eyes across the table. Joonmyun tries his best not to choke on his food, not to crack up, not to let the feelings show, drinking his water in one gulp and wiping the trembling of his lips with a swipe of the tongue. A silent way of telling Lu Han, don't make promises you can't keep.

♫

Lu Han leaves the hotel at five in the morning the following day. "Didn't forget anything?" Yixing asks before taking a step back from the cab, and Lu Han only shakes his head in response. His eyes are red rimmed and his lips are chapped. And they're trembling. If Joonmyun were to decipher this then he'd easily interpret it as 'I don't want to leave like this but I have to. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you someday. I'm really sorry-'

"You forgot this," Joonmyun says, tossing a tiny black pouch in Lu Han's direction. He drops his gaze to his feet faster than Lu Han can look up to meet his gaze. "You left it in my bag. We... might have gotten some things mixed up while we were packing up after the Shanghai show and-"

"Oh," Lu Han whispers. When Joonmyun risks a glance at Lu Han, he finds him holding up a ring, just a thin band of silver glimmering in the morning light. His insides lurch in an instant, like a stimulus. It's too early for his senses to function like this, to react too quickly to Lu Han, but it's one of those days. Lu Han's in a cab and his life with EXO has been packed in two big luggages. He's bound for his house and his family's waiting there for him. There might be booze - Joonmyun can't really remember the details; he just overheard the conversation the other day. And there will definitely be hugs. And when the rest of the members wake up, they won't find a trace of Lu Han in the hotel, in the dining table, in the plane on their way home. "Yeah, I- I'm sorry. I must've dumped this in your bag sometime-"

Joonmyun lifts his left hand, giving it a light wave as he fixes Lu Han with a gaze. "'Til next?" he says, voice lilting and turning it into a question, but Lu Han isn't listening. His eyes are drawn to the silver band Joonmyun is wearing on his index finger, a ring that looks strangely like the one he's holding at the moment. And then he's looking back at Joonmyun with his eyebrows drawn together in a tight knot and his lips trembling. "Keep us updated when you change numbers?"

"You should be going now," Yixing whispers. He looks at both Joonmyun and Lu Han, the corners of his lips turned up in a soft, subtle smile. "The others will be up in a couple of minutes."

"Yeah, I'll- I'll keep-" Lu Han slips the ring in his left index finger. He could've worn it on his right - he hates wearing anything on his left hand, that's what he always says during photoshoots - but no. The silver band sticks to his pale skin like it's supposed to be there, a part of Lu Han that the morning sunlight is shining upon. An extension of Joonmyun sticking to Lu Han like glue. Like he's saying 'sorry' a thousand times because just one isn't enough. "You guys keep in touch, okay? I mean, I know you'll be busy and-"

"We'll keep in touch," Joonmyun repeats, giving him a curt nod. He pushes the door of the cab forward, eyebrows twitching a little at the sound of the door being shut. He gulps down hard, tries to summon a smile. It feels weird on his lips. "I promise."

Lu Han bites down on his bottom lip. Then, as a last promise, he mouths, I'll be waiting.

They say there's nothing lonelier than watching someone get left behind, nothing quite like the feeling of driving off into the sunset, knowing that you're leaving certain things that are dear to you. That you'll have to push down the insane urge to get out of the car and run back, run as fast as you can into someone's loving arms. Joonmyun believes otherwise - it's watching Lu Han turn right around the block and getting a glimpse of his hair for the very last time that hurts the most. It's knowing that Lu Han kept looking over his shoulder until he couldn't see both Joonmyun and Yixing anymore that hits like a fucking truck. It's the message that Lu Han sends, the one that reads make sure to keep your promise c:, that wraps itself around Joonmyun's heart tight and squeezes him dry until the thumping in his chest grows stronger, louder, wilder. And it's the thought that their unstoppable eleven has been whittled down to ten that brings him back to this moment, ten minutes past five in the morning, out in the streets of Beijing that are both pulling them together and pushing them apart.

"Let's round everyone up," Joonmyun whispers, then turns to look at his side. When he lifts his gaze, Yixing offers him the softest, most tender smile.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep, deep breath.

♫

It's been a while since they've last been on a stage as big as this. Their last show prior to the Fukuoka concert was in Beijing, the day before Lu Han decided to stay in China, to go back home. The day before the rest of EXO had to go back to Korea to get a sense of home again after flying from one country to another for the past few months for their shows. The whole two months in between, they spent recording new material, doing hosting, acting stints that sort of took the attention of the media away from the lawsuits SM had received this year. He and Baekhyun have been regularly appearing in Inkigayo as hosts up until the management told them they had to slow down and focus on their comeback. Give others a chance to shine. Take a much needed break. Chanyeol and Yixing were doing their own music thing. Everyone was slowly getting back up, kneeling on one knee, poised for flight. Still, those two months weren't enough to completely ease them into the new choreography, the new fit of their bodies. Waiting backstage as a group of ten felt so different without two other bodies to keep them together. It left a weird sort of longing deep inside Joonmyun, left of his chest.

"This is us," Minseok whispers in his ear. A soft pinch in his side, then, "We're not waiting for anyone else."

Joonmyun feels his entire body give a tiny jerk, and then he's breathing again. The world starts to turn. The staff all around them rush from one side of the backstage to the other. The stage director is signaling at them, mouthing, Show starts in five minutes! Positions, c'mon! And then the cheers of the crowd just beyond the curtains hit his senses, making him shiver. It's the same kind of rush that once washed over him just before they started their first ever showcase, or during their first stage, that sliver of silence before the opening notes of MAMA blared in the speakers. It's the same crippling fear that makes him freeze now, makes him wonder, is it really going to work out, the new choreography? Have they already adjusted well? What is EXO without the original mold of twelve-

"Hyung, your speech," comes Jongin's voice. Joonmyun feels someone kick his foot. It's Zitao. He's wearing that shy smile that says 'I did it for love, hyung. Please don't hit me?' "Mandatory pep talk before the concert? Remember that?"

Joonmyun gulps hard. Takes a deep breath, too, and clenches his fists. It's funny how two months away from the stage could change them this much. He wets his lips before replying, "Right. I- I should probably say something."

Or maybe a handful. He has a lot of things to say - sorry I couldn't convince the two to change their minds. I'm sorry Kris and Lu Han left. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to keep the initial mold intact, to keep EXO a solid group of twelve instead of the group of ten that we are now. That's not even half of all the words, strings of sentences waiting to spill from his lips, but he manages to summarize everything into one simple statement: "We are one." Three words, nothing else. A statement so overused that it could've lost its meaning by now. The members seem to get it, though, with Zitao even offering a small frown and nudging him in his side before taking Joonmyun in his arms. And then it's a collision limbs after that, too many arms thrown haphazardly around each other to pull their group of ten together into a tight, snug hug. The closest to home Joonmyun has felt in a long, long while.

"One minute 'til end of VCR! Get ready now!" says the stage director. With a curt nod, they all pull away and assume their places, waiting for the exact moment where the familiar beats come in and carries them away.

Joonmyun closes his eyes for a second when the music thins into silence. The ground beneath them shakes a little, and the floors of the stage above them part to let warm, red light spill from the tiny opening. It feels a lot like their debut performance, except a bit colder than the usual. Less crowded, too. Not any less magical, though, he muses as he feels someone reach for his hand, as he feels a soft pat on his back, his arm, his shoulder. The cheers of the crowd are deafening, and everyone's chanting We are one! We are one! And maybe they still are. Distance is just another language they have to learn to speak if they want to keep the bonds strong. If they could easily learn Japanese and Mandarin to reach more fans then what's another strange yet discernible language?

The floor snaps into place. They start chanting the opening sequence, dancing part of the choreography for the chorus and slipping out of their old trainee skin.

It's almost impossible to make out the faces in the crowd with the lights shining down too brightly on them, but Joonmyun catches sight of familiar eyes, the same scrutinizing gaze that Joonmyun has been on the receiving end of for weeks, months, maybe even two long years. He knows it well enough for stimulus to kick in, for his system to revolt against him and set something in him ablaze again, make his heart race and then stop at that exact moment when their eyes find each other in the blurry sea of lights.

Lu Han raises his hand in the air, the splayed out fingers curling into a fist until his index finger stands alone. The band glows like a beacon and blinds Joonmyun, setting off explosions at the tips of his fingers and pulling up at the corners of his mouth.

Lu Han mouths his parts like routine, like old times.

Joonmyun doesn't stop dancing.

Poll