#53 [EXO, Kai/DO] PT 1
Fandom: Exo
Title: Bright Lights In Paradise (For Just You And Me)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s)/Focus: Jongin/Kyungsoo
Length: 11,000 words
Summary: The first time, Jongin falls from Heaven. The second time, he falls in love. The last time, Kyungsoo wishes for Jongin to fall back into his arms.
Notes: Thank you to those who encouraged me to keep going and for my recipient’s amazing fic to begin with!
Remixee author: thesockmonster
Title of work you remixed: Falling Up
Link to work you remixed: http://thesockmonster.livejournal.com/20439.html
Romances hardly, if ever, happen in big bangs.
Kyungsoo has been told that, at a certain point in one’s life, their greatest romance will arise from of the ordinary. Everything is dependent on the accumulation of makes and breaks, and maybe one day, he will find love. Some rumors have planted it amongst the stars, others have placed it somewhere between his first and last breath. It is also said to be wherever one least expect it to be.
✱
Kyungsoo has had many fights with his best friend, so many that he has almost lost count. Baekhyun was a softball player back in high school (Kyungsoo was the club manager) and despite his size, he has always been good at hitting close to home.
Their latest fight takes place right smack in the middle of assembled frustrations and Kyungsoo’s continued unwillingness to go with Baekhyun’s suggestions. For instance, clubbing.
“There is no harm in going,” insists Baekhyun, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he tries to stare Kyungsoo down. It fails, mostly because he has eyeliner on and it makes his stare more of a sultry invitation than anything else, “You should - ”
“Well, there is no harm in not going, then,” Kyungsoo cuts Baekhyun off with a firmer stare, “I don’t like places like that, you know this.”
“It isn’t about the place, okay?” As expected, impatience is already starting to lace Baekhyun’s words, and it isn’t the best time for Baekhyun’s restiveness to start rubbing Kyungsoo the wrong way. Kyungsoo doesn’t like being told what to do and Baekhyun ought to know better. “Come on, it’s about having fun. It’s about meeting more people, and - ”
“Stop it,” Kyungsoo interrupts his friend a second time, hand going to his forehead to rub at his temples slowly, “I don’t want to, okay? Can’t you just accept that?”
Usually, Baekhyun is fine with it. He has long since gotten used to Kyungsoo’s general aversion towards shadier places and forms of entertainment. New environments and Kyungsoo never make for a good mix, Baekhyun has learned this from past experiences, and there is no use in pushing and shoving, seeing how Kyungsoo happens to have a rather mean streak of stubbornness in him.
This time, however, it appears that Kyungsoo has given him something other than simple, predicted rejection. It is impossible for Kyungsoo to understand the frustration in Baekhyun’s words.
“Like I said earlier, it isn’t about the place,” Baekhyun goes, “and it’s definitely not about the drinks and messy sex in the backrooms.”
“Oh god,” Kyungsoo groans.
There is tension between them and he knows, judging from Baekhyun’s expression, that it is only about to get worse.
Baekhyun points a finger at him, looking as if he is either going to start crying or punch Kyungsoo in the face (or perhaps both), and continues, “It’s about you. You need to stop being so fucking passive about everything in this damn world, because things won’t ever come to you if you don’t walk towards them.”
“You’re not making - ”
“I’m making perfect sense here,” Baekhyun snaps, eyes narrowing in anger, “and you fucking know it.”
In response, Kyungsoo chooses to avert his gaze.
Baekhyun, sensing weakness, continues hotly, “You are on the verge of giving up, anyone can see that. Sure, you go around leaving smiles and finishing things but the cracks are too visible.”
Kyungsoo’s heart seems to falter in his chest and everything, every word, starts to hurt.
“You need help,” Baekhyun goes on. You are almost an empty vessel, you idiot, can’t you see? he almost says this out loud.
Slowly but surely, the ugly truth rings in Kyungsoo’s head and he is holding back the bile threatening to spill from his stomach.
Baekhyun parts his lips to say more, to go on exposing the lies Kyungsoo spends hours and days covering his scars with, and it all feels like a nightmare. Something seems to be prompting Baekhyun to stop, however, and it may be the paleness of Kyungsoo’s complexion and the way his features are scrunched up in discomfort.
In his head, Kyungsoo wants to tell Baekhyun that none of this is of his concern. He wants to, just this once, scream his frustration, but years of hiding his emotions stop him. His father likes to tell him this: screaming is a spoiled child’s response, and so it should never be Kyungsoo’s response to anything, no matter how bad things get.
“I don’t,” he says blandly, “And maybe I don’t deserve it.” He has tried the last time and this time, he is too tired to try. “Call me a fatalist, but if things are already set in place, it doesn’t matter even if you work your limbs off just to make a difference. Perhaps I can never make a difference.”
Baekhyun looks at him, foiled, “I don’t know where you get such a terrible opinion of yourself.”
“From everywhere,” replies Kyungsoo simply, “Look around, from everywhere.”
“I’m serious here,” Baekhyun says, “What you said isn’t true, alright? There’s so much you can do should you put your mind to it.”
Kyungsoo laughs. “I have put my mind to many things before, but I know I’m always falling a step behind," he goes, voice soft at first, then rising until it is almost a shout, "Always short of something, right?" He needs to get it together. Screaming is a spoiled child’s response, these words echo in his head, his father’s voice filling every crevice in his mind.
"Then do something about it, something more, something else. Keep it up until that something is enough to make a difference, to make a change,” Baekhyun says firmly.
“I am,” Kyungsoo says, his voice sounding awfully weak even to himself.
Baekhyun shakes his head. "Are you? Are you really?"
Suddenly Kyungsoo is angry. He is angry at the load on his back and the tight pull of strings on every inch of his skin and he is angry at Baekhyun’s questions. Baekhyun thinks that he has a flawless answer to Kyungsoo’s questions, like one plus one will always equate to two, and Kyungsoo is angry because Baekhyun’s answer isn’t the solution to his problem. He doesn’t want to try any harder than he already has.
The two of them are barely holding on, the silence between them tenses before Kyungsoo breaks it, pointing a finger that shakes with rage at the door.
“Get out,” he snaps, then repeats, “Get out.”
Baekhyun’s face is flushed, mirroring the displeasure written all over Kyungsoo’s, and it is with a glare that he hisses a “Fine!” before making his way to the door. The door slams shut, bang echoing, and Kyungsoo is left alone to bask in the worst kind of silence.
Fear, as always, is there to keep objectivity an arm’s length from him.
✱
It is early Monday morning and already, Kyungsoo can feel it creeping up on him.
It is impossible to sleep quietly through that ear-splitting noise of despair and so he wakes, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up in bed. He takes a look at the alarm clock ticking - hands soundlessly moving - and there is a pang he feels in his chest. No doubt, he thinks, it is just imagined pain. He isn’t really feeling it but it is always there, sewn in to fill a gaping hole.
A buzz comes from his phone. He checks the notification and lets out a low groan when he remembers his plans for today. His parents have righteously demanded for a visit and he has promised them one. “Save me,” he says to himself, willing himself to get up and get dressed.
✱
“I’m not hungry,” says Kyungsoo, pushing his half-eaten sandwich to one side, ignoring the look of disapproval his father gives him. His mother stands up, hand outstretched as if she wishes to call him back, but she doesn’t and in no time, Kyungsoo is out of the house after hastily throwing on his cap and jacket and throwing behind a half-hearted ‘Goodbye’.
True to his words, he has gone for a quick visit in order to join his parents for breakfast. The purpose is lost, however, because the three of them are incapable of holding a conversation whenever the topics divert from his father’s job and his older brother’s recent marriage. All that is left for Kyungsoo to digest is the cold, tough silence. He sees no point in staying around any longer and his parents know it as well.
Once he is walking down the front steps of his parents’ apartment and out onto the streets, he is greeted by the wisps of grey in the sky.
Seoul hasn’t rained for a good few weeks or so. Now that it is about to, perhaps it means that things are about to change.
✱
His whole life, now that he thinks about it, has been about taking chances and giving everything a chance. Once he has given all that he’s got, he is left with nothing else and maybe that is why he is so keen on giving up.
Step by step, Kyungsoo nears the breaking point, skin taut around his body.
The sun glares from where it is, high up in the sky - so out of reach - and for a moment, everything is too bright, too white. Kyungsoo narrows his eyes and waits for white to turn, in a flash, into red, then blackness. His eyes hurt in protest and he dutifully looks down, away from the sun, and continues making his way down the street, towards the familiar building in which he works.
He hesitates for a moment before stepping into the office building.
“You’re early today!” says the doorman, earning himself a brief smile. Kyungsoo shrugs. Then, on second thought, he gestures towards his briefcase, Things to do, work to do, money to earn, you know? The doorman nods - he knows - and wordlessly, Kyungsoo walks through the door of the lift and presses the ‘close’ button. The lift hums, he doesn’t. He is relieved when he escapes the small metal box and goes down the corridor that leads him to his office.
When he steps in, he is surprised to come face to face with someone he fails to recognize. He is pretty sure he has never seen the other man before.
Tall, dark-skinned and leanly muscular, Kyungsoo is rather dismayed to find that the stranger is quite the looker. Said stranger is also all too busy staring at Kyungsoo. It is getting just a tad unnerving, really.
“Sorry...but...” he fiddles with his briefcase and gestures at the glass door leading to his workspace, “Who are you?”
The stranger, instead of replying, continues staring and Kyungsoo is horrified to find himself turning red. He blames it on the faulty air conditioner (from Jongdae, he knows that Yixing has yet to get it fixed).
It is then that Kris comes waltzing in and he starts when he finds himself interrupting the staring contest going on between Kyungsoo and Mr. Stranger.
Kyungsoo, keeping in mind that he needs a re-match with said stranger, turns to Kris and quirks an eyebrow, demanding an explanation.
“Ah, this is Jongin,” Kris introduces, “He’s the new intern I was telling you about.”
Kris has been telling him about a new intern? Since when?
Kyungsoo blinks, mind blank as he tries to recall all the unimportant things Kris has ever told him. “New...intern?”
“Oh come on!” Jongdae interrupts from his cubicle, appearing from nobody-knows-where, “Kris ge has been going on and on about the brilliance of said new intern for centuries and counting, I can’t believe you actually forgot.” At this, he turns to Jongin and raises a hand, “Hi there, newbie! I’m Jongdae, by the way.” Kyungsoo thinks Jongdae is only this enthusiastic because he is no longer the newbie.
Jongin glances to Jongdae, gives him a smile, and turns back to Kyungsoo, eyes fixed. Kyungsoo shifts in his spot, moving behind to stand closer to Kris. With a friendly smile (but Kyungsoo knows better), Kris reaches out to push Kyungsoo towards Jongin, steadily ignoring the look Kyungsoo throws at him.
“Jongin, this is Kyungsoo. I was telling you about him earlier, remember?”
“I know,” Jongin replies blandly.
“Right, so,” Kris claps his hands together, taking a step back, “He’s yours, Kyungsoo. I’ve got other things to settle, so...bye.”
Wait. What?
Kyungsoo stares after Kris retreating back and, forgetting that he is standing at the entrance and well within the vicinity of all his co-workers, he goes, “What the hell do you mean he’s mine? Wait - ”
Instead of providing him with an explanation, the older man only rounds the corner and disappears, well on his way to his own private office.
Kyungsoo turns around and finds that Jongdae is gone as well. Asshole.
Left with no other choice, he forces himself to look up and comes to meet Jongin’s eyes. A moment of silence later, Jongin raises a hand to wave, then smiles. He has a very pretty smile, Kyungsoo notices. He also notices that Jongin looks very different when he smiles - friendlier? cuter?
“Hi.”
Something in Kyungsoo’s chest skips a beat, but he shoves it aside and instead, wraps himself around the task Kris has only just given him. Asshole, he goes again. He turns to Jongin, spies the expectant look in his face and, feeling a migraine coming, he wonders if it is too early into the week to launch himself out of the window from the twentieth storey and pray for instant, painless death.
✱
As it turns out, showing the newbie around isn’t as bad as Kyungsoo’s pessimism has made it out to be.
With the assigned task of showing Jongin around and teaching him the ropes, Kyungsoo has been generously given the day off. (“It’s not generosity here,” Jongdae texts him, effectively robbing Kyungsoo of his bragging rights, “It’s called escaping responsibilities and we both know Kris has an all-time high score when it comes to that.”) Stuffing his phone back into his blazer pocket, Kyungsoo turns back to Jongin, who is still staring at the cafeteria in awe, and laughs when Jongin asks him what the vending machines are for.
“Haven’t you had vending machines in your school?” He goes, surprising himself when he realizes that conversations with Jongin come easily. Having familiarized Jongin with the building and the various departments, as well as the expected things he will be assigned to do, they have had their snippets of conversations about irrelevant things.
“Not really,” Jongin seems to realize that he has asked a weird question and is quick to busy himself with the task of reading what is sold on the menu.
“Want me to teach you how to teach a vending machine?” Kyungsoo jokes, leaning against the humming metal box that comes in the shape of the retired design of coca cola bottles. “Just kidding. Come on, I still have to get us to the Human Resource department and get you your pass.”
Jongin turns away from the menu and makes to follow after Kyungsoo. “Pass?”
Kyungsoo thinks he is already getting used to the persisting tone of curiosity Jongin carries in everything he says and asks. “Yes, a pass. You know? One of those things that you use to tap in and out to register your attendance and work hours.”
“Oh.”
“Yes,” Kyungsoo repeats, “That’s a pass.” He turns, sees Jongin staring at him intently (his heart most certainly doesn’t start racing again), and shoots him a look of feigned impatience. “Come on, new kid, we don’t have all day.”
✱
“So...welcome to the madhouse,” Kyungsoo says, pulling his lips into a grimace. He pretends he doesn’t notice the guilt stuck in his throat when Jongin replies a smile that is significantly brighter. And what exactly is the connection between Jongin’s smiles and that queasy feeling in his stomach?
“Madhouse?”
“Yeah,” he answers Jongin’s obvious interest with a wave of his fork, “You’ll meet them all soon enough. We’re all mad here. Crazy enthusiastic, crazy busy, crazy crazy.”
“Like that person who called me a newbie back in the office?” Jongin guesses.
“Right on. And he’s not even the worst.” Kyungsoo snaps his fingers and goes back to attacking his food. The two of them are the only ones in the cafeteria and Kyungsoo feels that Jongin is more than ready to face the rest of his new department (also Kyungsoo’s, unfortunately) after lunch. He frowns when he feels the vibration of his phone and takes it out to check his text messages.
Jongdae has sent him the (*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ)) emoji and Kyungsoo thinks he is better off not knowing just what Jongdae means by that. A minute later, his phone buzzes again with a simple "Congratulations!" from Minseok and it is without a reply that Kyungsoo switches his phone off, placating Jongin's questioning gaze with a small smile.
✱
The weather sees to it that, with frustration laden on top of bring-home tasks, Kyungsoo gets trapped in the rain after helping Yixing finish up his proposal for their latest project in Incheon. He bites back the swear words in his mouth and instead opts to release them in the form of a sigh. An unexpected sun shower in the middle of May and Kyungsoo finds himself looking up at the sun again. It seems a little farther away than it had been that morning. Kyungsoo stretches out a hand and lets the raindrops pelt onto his skin, tap-dancing here and there.
“Kyungsoo?”
He turns around, almost falls over but catches himself just in time. “Jongin?” He wants to ask why Jongin is still around, then remembers Kris has asked Jongin to go to his office, most likely to show Jongin some of their most recent bids and successful projects.
“Are you waiting for the rain to stop?” Jongin asks.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo sighs, “I didn’t expect it to rain and well, the weather station didn’t say that it would, either.”
Jongin stares at Kyungsoo, then looks back at the umbrella he is holding, and he looks back at Kyungsoo when he has made up his mind, “We can share.”
“What?”
“It’s big enough for us to share,” Jongin clarifies. Kyungsoo takes a look at the bright yellow umbrella, then back at Jongin. Compelled by the smile on Jongin’s face, he is nodding before he can reconsider his decision.
“Alright then,” he says, stepping forth until he is standing next to Jongin. There are still raindrops hitting his right shoulder, but at the very least, he won’t end up drenched from head to toe. “Thanks,” he remembers belatedly, ducking his head when Jongin shrugs his mortification away with an easy smile.
Past the cafe one street down, Kyungsoo starts to feel an unfamiliar emotion. In spite of the cold, he feels warm inside. Startled by his own satiation, he tells himself to focus on taking small, careful steps. Together, sharing one umbrella, the both of them are doing their best to shield the other from the rain.
The rain is cold, but the sun is warm.
✱
The air is damp and chilly. Huddling into his jacket, Kyungsoo can feel the moist air lacing itself in their surroundings. The flags outside a newly opened shop wave at him when he walks past, Jongin walking beside him, and it is all very quiet.
For the past weeks, they have gotten to know each other better. Jongin turns out to be a child who is still learning things from scratch, mouth full of questions whenever he opens it to speak. Just yesterday, he spent five minutes staring at the buzzer at a fast food place they went to and asked Kyungsoo if it was going to explode when it starts vibrating. Kyungsoo made sure to explain to him that no, buzzers can never explode and that they were used to tell them when their orders were ready.
Kyungsoo draws himself from his musing and refocuses on the street that is all too familiar to him. Jongin, for some reason, has insisted upon walking Kyungsoo home. On the left, street lights hang above them, like berries filled with light, and the sky is dimming. Kyungsoo makes a mental note to make sure Kris gives both Jongin and him a bonus at the end of the month (they have been working overtime for three days in a row, just to salvage what is left of the dirty mess another firm has left behind).
He sneaks a glance at Jongin who is staring straight ahead, deep in thought.
“Are you free this weekend?”
Jongin’s question comes all too suddenly, catching Kyungsoo off guard. He stares, confused. “What?”
“This weekend,” Jongin continues, “If you’re free, let me have it.”
What does that -
“I mean,” Jongin says, seeing that Kyungsoo is fighting to come up with a coherent reply, “Go on a date with me.”
“A what?”
“A date,” Jongin is smiling, eyes crinkling like folded corners of a book and it is unfair that Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to reject, to tell himself that this is the wrong thing to agree too. His inner self, the sensible part, is shrieking in violent protestation at what he is about to do, but he shoves it aside and brings himself to nod. All that is left is to enjoy the smiles spreading wide across Jongin’s face. It doesn’t give Kyungsoo butterflies in his stomach, not at all.
✱
The path is easy at first, but it grows steadily steeper and winds back and forth around jutting mounds and rocks. There isn’t even a single bench for them to catch their breath. Gradually, the path narrows and they slow down, for hurrying seems unwise, and settle with a more cautious, steady climb.
Kyungsoo’s legs are aching in no time and when he stops to rest for the second time, Jongin reaches out to take his hand in his.
“Hold on tight,” he says, and the complaints in Kyungsoo’s mouth die, just like that.
The higher they get, the stronger the wind. Jongin is quick to use it as an excuse to hug Kyungsoo tightly against him and against the wind’s nasty bites. It is so strong that they have to brace themselves when they finally reach the top, breaths cut short by exhaustion.
From the summit, with the world at their feet, all Kyungsoo can focus on is Jongin. The wind whispers stories and the clouds paint dreams but Kyungsoo’s attention is fixated on Jongin, who seems to be both in love with the height and yet, at the same time, scared of it.
“I can’t believe this,” Kyungsoo is still staring at Jongin and his eyes follow the movement of Jongin’s fingers, watching them perform an unheard tune on an imagined piano.
Jongin stops, “Can’t believe what?”
“You,” Kyungsoo answers, soft smile playing on his lips, “You brought me here, of all places, for our first date.”
They are seated, legs crossed and shoulders touching. It isn’t all that comfortable to be sitting on the rough ground (Jongin didn’t think to bring a mat) but Kyungsoo likes it all the same, even if it is -
“Not the ideal for the perfect first date?” Jongin takes the words right out of his thoughts.
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Not exactly,” he replies, “But it’s nice.”
Jongin nods and goes back to playing that song - that anthem of forgotten youth, a song Kyungsoo wishes he could have heard when he was still so filled with hope. In that moment, next to Jongin, wind ruffling his hair with affection, Kyungsoo thinks he has achieved a shot of complete euphoria. Is this his first? When the song ends, Jongin’s fingers move to weave Kyungsoo’s into a tight grasp. It feels like a bond of a lifetime.
They remain still and silent for a long while, warmth against warmth, and it is almost perfect.
“Are you afraid of heights?” Kyungsoo asks, out of the blue. Jongin blinks at him, tongue-tied, Kyungsoo laughs softly, and then allows himself to peer over the edge, “Well, I am.”
“I’m - ” Jongin seems to have changed his mind halfway, biting back his initial response. Kyungsoo waits for him to formulate another reply. “I’m afraid, too, of heights and falling.”
Kyungsoo nods. He wills himself not to imagine what falling would feel like. “Falling from great heights, huh? Sounds terrifying,” he adds, going back to watching Jongin’s fingers skitter about, nervously, hurrying around like they are the legs of a spider. Jongin starts playing the same song all over again.
Another pause, then, “Yeah.” Jongin opens his mouth to say something else, but his voice is all hoarse - his throat is suddenly dry and it hurts. Kyungsoo look at him worriedly and having caught the concern in Kyungsoo’s expression, Jongin squeezes a smile and tries clearing his throat. It feels better and so their world rights itself again.
“Must be really terrifying,” agrees Jongin, words scratchy in his mouth before they part from his lips.
Silence wraps around them and there, sitting on top of what appears to them to be the whole world, Kyungsoo starts counting the seconds, not knowing that Jongin is counting down to the rest of the time he has left in this place.
✱
Their second date is spent in celebration of their first successful project together.
Once the contract has been signed, the two of them are very nearly running away from the office, fingers hastily trying to loosen their ties and take them off. They need to breathe. In no time, they are cruising away from the giant block of glass and concrete, speeding on the highway. Kyungsoo, in the passenger seat, shifts so that he is turned towards Jongin. Even though Jongin’s eyes are fixed on the road, there is a barely restrained glee about him.
“We should commemorate this achievement,” Jongin says suddenly, startling Kyungsoo into looking away quickly, trying to act as if he hasn’t been staring, “shouldn’t we?”
“There’s no need for that,” Kyungsoo mutters, willing himself to keep staring at the reflection of his own face on the window, “There’s nothing much to celebrate, really.”
“There is,” Jongin insists.
Then, having made the decision for the both of them, he has his hand wrapped around Kyungsoo’s thin wrist easily, ignoring Kyungsoo’s feeble protests as he parks his car outside the very club Baekhyun has been trying to get Kyungsoo to go to a little more than three months ago.
When they are out of the car, soaking in the late night breeze, Kyungsoo stands and looks at Jongin - at the laugh lines clustered near his eyes and his lips. “It’s late,” he tries, “We should get home.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jongin argues, “It’s a Friday night. Jongdae hyung said that Friday nights are for wild parties and getting wasted.”
“You should probably stop hanging out with your lovely Jongdae hyung, then.”
“Oh, come on.” Jongin is laughing at the way Kyungsoo’s arms are crossed, reaching out to pull Kyungsoo towards him. “Just once, hmm?”
Kyungsoo often likes to think that he has excellent self-control, but when Jongin leans in close, his scent seems to have washed away every last bit of Kyungsoo’s resolve, unwrapping Kyungsoo’s reluctance to let out the nod he has been after.
The excited cheer he earns from Jongin makes his earlier conflict seems all the more ridiculous, so it seems.
✱
With alcohol running in his veins, Kyungsoo feels free, as if he has been relieved of some constraint or leash. He is stumbling down the steps of the meeting venue, Jongin keeping a close watch from right behind him. He giggles when he almost falls, Jongin coming to his rescue by pulling him up just in time.
“Be careful,” mutters Jongin.
Kyungsoo can hardly make out the concern written all over his face because of his blurred vision, but he thinks he hears it clear as day. “I’ll be fine,” he laughs, leaning against Jongin as he struggles to remain standing, “You’re here. You won’t let me fall.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Oh, but I do,” says Kyungsoo with a grin, smiling that smile that belongs to him when he knows he is right. “There is something about you.”
Giddy with joy, Kyungsoo misses the falter in Jongin’s smile.
✱
The grey clouds give way to clear skies and Kyungsoo starts to lose count of the number of dates he has had with Jongin, simply because he doesn’t want to measure happiness with numbers. In August, he surprises himself by inviting Jongin to stay with him. “The apartment is too big for myself,” he explains, looking away after catching sight of the smirk Jongin is giving him, “Plus, it’s nearer to the office. I’ll...collect rent and it’s really just for your convenience, nothing else.”
“Really?”
Jongin has moved so that he is standing incredibly close to Kyungsoo, warmth breath attacking Kyungsoo’s jittery senses as he tries not to shrink back. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. Before he can do something about the lack of personal space between them, Jongin closes it with a kiss - gentle as ever.
Their first kiss. Kyungsoo’s first. Perhaps it is Jongin’s first kiss as well.
“Are first kisses always this sweet?” asks Jongin. Kyungsoo stares. The moment is cut short when the two of them bursts out laughing, Kyungsoo leaning into Jongin’s embrace as they try to calm themselves and fails quite pathetically. Kyungsoo looks up, wanting to tease Jongin about what he has just said, but Jongin is back for a second kiss, and a third.
Soon, Jongin is consuming his tongue, hands pulling Kyungsoo in and locking him in place as everything boils down to the taste of Jongin and all that comes with it.
They are interrupted by Jongdae’s merry whistling and the stunned silence that follows. Behind Jongdae stand Lu Han and Kris. Caught, Kyungsoo lets out an embarrassed cough and immediately takes a step back, hands shooting to collect the tall stack of research materials on his desk, fluttering about as he tries to ignore the awkwardness in the room.
“Looks like we came in at a bad time,” Jongdae comments, smiling evilly and eyes fixed on the way Kyungsoo is looking anywhere but at the other occupants of his office. He turns to Kris, hand out for the sum he has won, “Told you sending Soo an early congratulation won’t hurt.”
Kyungsoo makes a note to replace the sugar in Jongdae’s next cup of coffee with salt and chili paste.
With a small, secretive smile, Jongin walks out of Kyungsoo’s newly earned assistant-director office and Jongdae, seeming to have caught onto Kyungsoo’s wicked plans, pales and quickly moves to drag Lu Han out. Kyungsoo, now permanently red-faced, coughs out an excuse to the still-grinning Kris and makes to go to the washroom and ‘cool down’.
“Hey, wait,” Kris calls out after him, having just remembered something.
Kyungsoo turns around, hand already on the doorknob, “Yeah?”
“Baekhyun called me yesterday,” Kris says. Something in Kyungsoo jolts and Kris, having caught on, throws him a baleful stare. “He asked about you. Seems like you two haven’t gone out in a while, huh? You should do something about it, y’know?” Instead of letting Kyungsoo walk out, Kris strides past and before Kyungsoo can recover from the impact of his words, he is already walking away.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo mutters, staring after Kris retreating figure, “Oh, okay.”
✱
Kyungsoo hurries into the cafe and grimaces when he sees Baekhyun seated in the seat furthest from the door, in the spot tucked away from view from the entrance. The reason for his lateness is a personal one; Jongin has insisted that they stay in, given that it is a Sunday morning and in spite of the meeting with Baekhyun, Kyungsoo has agreed.
“I’m sorry,” he goes, feeling apologetic when he finds that Baekhyun’s cup is almost half-empty.
Baekhyun sits up straighter when he hears Kyungsoo’s voice, but he doesn’t look up. With a soft sigh, Kyungsoo slides into the seat across Baekhyun, taking a short while to gauge the other’s mood.
“It’s alright,” Baekhyun mutters, “I was early.”
It is well past the time for a small, lighthearted chat. Both of them know that Kyungsoo has asked Baekhyun to meet here for a reason, that there is something Kyungsoo needs to tell.
Naturally, Baekhyun expects that it, whatever it is, won’t settle well with him. “So, what is it?” he asks.
Kyungsoo deliberates for a while, then goes, “Remember the new intern I told you about?”
“You mean the new intern Kris told me about,” Baekhyun corrects, “You confirmed it when I asked you.”
“Yeah, right, you did.”
“So, what about him?”
“Well,” Kyungsoo says slowly, “We’re dating.”
“That’s all?”
“And,” Kyungsoo continues, “He has moved in with me.”
“Well,” Baekhyun takes a sip of coffee, then says, “Now that is a real surprise.”
Kyungsoo has just finished telling him about Jongin moving in and Baekhyun’s tone leaves him unsure of how he should take his response. “What is that supposed to mean?”
A smile fills Baekhyun’s face as he sets his cup down, looking up to meet Kyungsoo’s gaze. It is a familiar smile, one that is knowing and vaguely condescending; Kyungsoo doesn’t like it.
“It means,” Baekhyun replies, “Don't you think your relationship is moving a little too quickly?"
Kyungsoo is quiet. A flash of understanding lights up in his expression before it turns into stony frustration. After a minute he says, “I think we’re going at an okay pace.”
Baekhyun smiles, finger tracing the outline of the flower painted on the cup he has and for a while, the silence between them is left to brew. “I’m just worried,” he finally says, “It feels like it’s getting out of control. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but it is.”
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath.
"How much do you even know about this guy?"
“Is this what it’s about?” Kyungsoo bristles. “This is about Jongin?” His eyes narrow when Baekhyun doesn’t deny it. “You were the one who told me to try harder, remember? Well, I’m walking towards something I want, what’s wrong with that?”
Baekhyun shrugs. “Just checking,” he says, lifting his cup once more so that he doesn’t have to go on. When he is done downing his drink, he looks back at Kyungsoo, whose vexation has been temporarily appeased by his own cup of tea, “So, Kris mentioned your promotion, how are things in a bigger seat?”
The topic is closed because, judging from the way Kyungsoo hesitates in answering Baekhyun’s question, his words have struck home, and that is all Baekhyun wants.
________________________________________
Kyungsoo and Jongin love each other quietly.
There are days Jongin wakes to Kyungsoo singing the color of his lips and the curve of his smile and other days, he returns the favor by surprising Kyungsoo by flooding the apartment with soft jazz when Kyungsoo emerges from his dream world which has, pleasantly enough, gone quiet.
Kyungsoo starts to re-learn colors when Jongin locks their hands together; it feels a lot like a promise. He studies soft tones in Jongin's whispered "Goodnight"s and "I love you"s, moves onto warm colors when he gets so distracted by Jongin's kisses and touches that he begins going off track.
With Jongin, eternity seems to be so within reach; time goes by and unknowingly, the seed of doubt Baekhyun has planted starts to grow.
Next
Title: Bright Lights In Paradise (For Just You And Me)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s)/Focus: Jongin/Kyungsoo
Length: 11,000 words
Summary: The first time, Jongin falls from Heaven. The second time, he falls in love. The last time, Kyungsoo wishes for Jongin to fall back into his arms.
Notes: Thank you to those who encouraged me to keep going and for my recipient’s amazing fic to begin with!
Remixee author: thesockmonster
Title of work you remixed: Falling Up
Link to work you remixed: http://thesockmonster.livejournal.com/20439.html
Romances hardly, if ever, happen in big bangs.
Kyungsoo has been told that, at a certain point in one’s life, their greatest romance will arise from of the ordinary. Everything is dependent on the accumulation of makes and breaks, and maybe one day, he will find love. Some rumors have planted it amongst the stars, others have placed it somewhere between his first and last breath. It is also said to be wherever one least expect it to be.
✱
Kyungsoo has had many fights with his best friend, so many that he has almost lost count. Baekhyun was a softball player back in high school (Kyungsoo was the club manager) and despite his size, he has always been good at hitting close to home.
Their latest fight takes place right smack in the middle of assembled frustrations and Kyungsoo’s continued unwillingness to go with Baekhyun’s suggestions. For instance, clubbing.
“There is no harm in going,” insists Baekhyun, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he tries to stare Kyungsoo down. It fails, mostly because he has eyeliner on and it makes his stare more of a sultry invitation than anything else, “You should - ”
“Well, there is no harm in not going, then,” Kyungsoo cuts Baekhyun off with a firmer stare, “I don’t like places like that, you know this.”
“It isn’t about the place, okay?” As expected, impatience is already starting to lace Baekhyun’s words, and it isn’t the best time for Baekhyun’s restiveness to start rubbing Kyungsoo the wrong way. Kyungsoo doesn’t like being told what to do and Baekhyun ought to know better. “Come on, it’s about having fun. It’s about meeting more people, and - ”
“Stop it,” Kyungsoo interrupts his friend a second time, hand going to his forehead to rub at his temples slowly, “I don’t want to, okay? Can’t you just accept that?”
Usually, Baekhyun is fine with it. He has long since gotten used to Kyungsoo’s general aversion towards shadier places and forms of entertainment. New environments and Kyungsoo never make for a good mix, Baekhyun has learned this from past experiences, and there is no use in pushing and shoving, seeing how Kyungsoo happens to have a rather mean streak of stubbornness in him.
This time, however, it appears that Kyungsoo has given him something other than simple, predicted rejection. It is impossible for Kyungsoo to understand the frustration in Baekhyun’s words.
“Like I said earlier, it isn’t about the place,” Baekhyun goes, “and it’s definitely not about the drinks and messy sex in the backrooms.”
“Oh god,” Kyungsoo groans.
There is tension between them and he knows, judging from Baekhyun’s expression, that it is only about to get worse.
Baekhyun points a finger at him, looking as if he is either going to start crying or punch Kyungsoo in the face (or perhaps both), and continues, “It’s about you. You need to stop being so fucking passive about everything in this damn world, because things won’t ever come to you if you don’t walk towards them.”
“You’re not making - ”
“I’m making perfect sense here,” Baekhyun snaps, eyes narrowing in anger, “and you fucking know it.”
In response, Kyungsoo chooses to avert his gaze.
Baekhyun, sensing weakness, continues hotly, “You are on the verge of giving up, anyone can see that. Sure, you go around leaving smiles and finishing things but the cracks are too visible.”
Kyungsoo’s heart seems to falter in his chest and everything, every word, starts to hurt.
“You need help,” Baekhyun goes on. You are almost an empty vessel, you idiot, can’t you see? he almost says this out loud.
Slowly but surely, the ugly truth rings in Kyungsoo’s head and he is holding back the bile threatening to spill from his stomach.
Baekhyun parts his lips to say more, to go on exposing the lies Kyungsoo spends hours and days covering his scars with, and it all feels like a nightmare. Something seems to be prompting Baekhyun to stop, however, and it may be the paleness of Kyungsoo’s complexion and the way his features are scrunched up in discomfort.
In his head, Kyungsoo wants to tell Baekhyun that none of this is of his concern. He wants to, just this once, scream his frustration, but years of hiding his emotions stop him. His father likes to tell him this: screaming is a spoiled child’s response, and so it should never be Kyungsoo’s response to anything, no matter how bad things get.
“I don’t,” he says blandly, “And maybe I don’t deserve it.” He has tried the last time and this time, he is too tired to try. “Call me a fatalist, but if things are already set in place, it doesn’t matter even if you work your limbs off just to make a difference. Perhaps I can never make a difference.”
Baekhyun looks at him, foiled, “I don’t know where you get such a terrible opinion of yourself.”
“From everywhere,” replies Kyungsoo simply, “Look around, from everywhere.”
“I’m serious here,” Baekhyun says, “What you said isn’t true, alright? There’s so much you can do should you put your mind to it.”
Kyungsoo laughs. “I have put my mind to many things before, but I know I’m always falling a step behind," he goes, voice soft at first, then rising until it is almost a shout, "Always short of something, right?" He needs to get it together. Screaming is a spoiled child’s response, these words echo in his head, his father’s voice filling every crevice in his mind.
"Then do something about it, something more, something else. Keep it up until that something is enough to make a difference, to make a change,” Baekhyun says firmly.
“I am,” Kyungsoo says, his voice sounding awfully weak even to himself.
Baekhyun shakes his head. "Are you? Are you really?"
Suddenly Kyungsoo is angry. He is angry at the load on his back and the tight pull of strings on every inch of his skin and he is angry at Baekhyun’s questions. Baekhyun thinks that he has a flawless answer to Kyungsoo’s questions, like one plus one will always equate to two, and Kyungsoo is angry because Baekhyun’s answer isn’t the solution to his problem. He doesn’t want to try any harder than he already has.
The two of them are barely holding on, the silence between them tenses before Kyungsoo breaks it, pointing a finger that shakes with rage at the door.
“Get out,” he snaps, then repeats, “Get out.”
Baekhyun’s face is flushed, mirroring the displeasure written all over Kyungsoo’s, and it is with a glare that he hisses a “Fine!” before making his way to the door. The door slams shut, bang echoing, and Kyungsoo is left alone to bask in the worst kind of silence.
Fear, as always, is there to keep objectivity an arm’s length from him.
✱
It is early Monday morning and already, Kyungsoo can feel it creeping up on him.
It is impossible to sleep quietly through that ear-splitting noise of despair and so he wakes, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up in bed. He takes a look at the alarm clock ticking - hands soundlessly moving - and there is a pang he feels in his chest. No doubt, he thinks, it is just imagined pain. He isn’t really feeling it but it is always there, sewn in to fill a gaping hole.
A buzz comes from his phone. He checks the notification and lets out a low groan when he remembers his plans for today. His parents have righteously demanded for a visit and he has promised them one. “Save me,” he says to himself, willing himself to get up and get dressed.
✱
“I’m not hungry,” says Kyungsoo, pushing his half-eaten sandwich to one side, ignoring the look of disapproval his father gives him. His mother stands up, hand outstretched as if she wishes to call him back, but she doesn’t and in no time, Kyungsoo is out of the house after hastily throwing on his cap and jacket and throwing behind a half-hearted ‘Goodbye’.
True to his words, he has gone for a quick visit in order to join his parents for breakfast. The purpose is lost, however, because the three of them are incapable of holding a conversation whenever the topics divert from his father’s job and his older brother’s recent marriage. All that is left for Kyungsoo to digest is the cold, tough silence. He sees no point in staying around any longer and his parents know it as well.
Once he is walking down the front steps of his parents’ apartment and out onto the streets, he is greeted by the wisps of grey in the sky.
Seoul hasn’t rained for a good few weeks or so. Now that it is about to, perhaps it means that things are about to change.
✱
His whole life, now that he thinks about it, has been about taking chances and giving everything a chance. Once he has given all that he’s got, he is left with nothing else and maybe that is why he is so keen on giving up.
Step by step, Kyungsoo nears the breaking point, skin taut around his body.
The sun glares from where it is, high up in the sky - so out of reach - and for a moment, everything is too bright, too white. Kyungsoo narrows his eyes and waits for white to turn, in a flash, into red, then blackness. His eyes hurt in protest and he dutifully looks down, away from the sun, and continues making his way down the street, towards the familiar building in which he works.
He hesitates for a moment before stepping into the office building.
“You’re early today!” says the doorman, earning himself a brief smile. Kyungsoo shrugs. Then, on second thought, he gestures towards his briefcase, Things to do, work to do, money to earn, you know? The doorman nods - he knows - and wordlessly, Kyungsoo walks through the door of the lift and presses the ‘close’ button. The lift hums, he doesn’t. He is relieved when he escapes the small metal box and goes down the corridor that leads him to his office.
When he steps in, he is surprised to come face to face with someone he fails to recognize. He is pretty sure he has never seen the other man before.
Tall, dark-skinned and leanly muscular, Kyungsoo is rather dismayed to find that the stranger is quite the looker. Said stranger is also all too busy staring at Kyungsoo. It is getting just a tad unnerving, really.
“Sorry...but...” he fiddles with his briefcase and gestures at the glass door leading to his workspace, “Who are you?”
The stranger, instead of replying, continues staring and Kyungsoo is horrified to find himself turning red. He blames it on the faulty air conditioner (from Jongdae, he knows that Yixing has yet to get it fixed).
It is then that Kris comes waltzing in and he starts when he finds himself interrupting the staring contest going on between Kyungsoo and Mr. Stranger.
Kyungsoo, keeping in mind that he needs a re-match with said stranger, turns to Kris and quirks an eyebrow, demanding an explanation.
“Ah, this is Jongin,” Kris introduces, “He’s the new intern I was telling you about.”
Kris has been telling him about a new intern? Since when?
Kyungsoo blinks, mind blank as he tries to recall all the unimportant things Kris has ever told him. “New...intern?”
“Oh come on!” Jongdae interrupts from his cubicle, appearing from nobody-knows-where, “Kris ge has been going on and on about the brilliance of said new intern for centuries and counting, I can’t believe you actually forgot.” At this, he turns to Jongin and raises a hand, “Hi there, newbie! I’m Jongdae, by the way.” Kyungsoo thinks Jongdae is only this enthusiastic because he is no longer the newbie.
Jongin glances to Jongdae, gives him a smile, and turns back to Kyungsoo, eyes fixed. Kyungsoo shifts in his spot, moving behind to stand closer to Kris. With a friendly smile (but Kyungsoo knows better), Kris reaches out to push Kyungsoo towards Jongin, steadily ignoring the look Kyungsoo throws at him.
“Jongin, this is Kyungsoo. I was telling you about him earlier, remember?”
“I know,” Jongin replies blandly.
“Right, so,” Kris claps his hands together, taking a step back, “He’s yours, Kyungsoo. I’ve got other things to settle, so...bye.”
Wait. What?
Kyungsoo stares after Kris retreating back and, forgetting that he is standing at the entrance and well within the vicinity of all his co-workers, he goes, “What the hell do you mean he’s mine? Wait - ”
Instead of providing him with an explanation, the older man only rounds the corner and disappears, well on his way to his own private office.
Kyungsoo turns around and finds that Jongdae is gone as well. Asshole.
Left with no other choice, he forces himself to look up and comes to meet Jongin’s eyes. A moment of silence later, Jongin raises a hand to wave, then smiles. He has a very pretty smile, Kyungsoo notices. He also notices that Jongin looks very different when he smiles - friendlier? cuter?
“Hi.”
Something in Kyungsoo’s chest skips a beat, but he shoves it aside and instead, wraps himself around the task Kris has only just given him. Asshole, he goes again. He turns to Jongin, spies the expectant look in his face and, feeling a migraine coming, he wonders if it is too early into the week to launch himself out of the window from the twentieth storey and pray for instant, painless death.
✱
As it turns out, showing the newbie around isn’t as bad as Kyungsoo’s pessimism has made it out to be.
With the assigned task of showing Jongin around and teaching him the ropes, Kyungsoo has been generously given the day off. (“It’s not generosity here,” Jongdae texts him, effectively robbing Kyungsoo of his bragging rights, “It’s called escaping responsibilities and we both know Kris has an all-time high score when it comes to that.”) Stuffing his phone back into his blazer pocket, Kyungsoo turns back to Jongin, who is still staring at the cafeteria in awe, and laughs when Jongin asks him what the vending machines are for.
“Haven’t you had vending machines in your school?” He goes, surprising himself when he realizes that conversations with Jongin come easily. Having familiarized Jongin with the building and the various departments, as well as the expected things he will be assigned to do, they have had their snippets of conversations about irrelevant things.
“Not really,” Jongin seems to realize that he has asked a weird question and is quick to busy himself with the task of reading what is sold on the menu.
“Want me to teach you how to teach a vending machine?” Kyungsoo jokes, leaning against the humming metal box that comes in the shape of the retired design of coca cola bottles. “Just kidding. Come on, I still have to get us to the Human Resource department and get you your pass.”
Jongin turns away from the menu and makes to follow after Kyungsoo. “Pass?”
Kyungsoo thinks he is already getting used to the persisting tone of curiosity Jongin carries in everything he says and asks. “Yes, a pass. You know? One of those things that you use to tap in and out to register your attendance and work hours.”
“Oh.”
“Yes,” Kyungsoo repeats, “That’s a pass.” He turns, sees Jongin staring at him intently (his heart most certainly doesn’t start racing again), and shoots him a look of feigned impatience. “Come on, new kid, we don’t have all day.”
✱
“So...welcome to the madhouse,” Kyungsoo says, pulling his lips into a grimace. He pretends he doesn’t notice the guilt stuck in his throat when Jongin replies a smile that is significantly brighter. And what exactly is the connection between Jongin’s smiles and that queasy feeling in his stomach?
“Madhouse?”
“Yeah,” he answers Jongin’s obvious interest with a wave of his fork, “You’ll meet them all soon enough. We’re all mad here. Crazy enthusiastic, crazy busy, crazy crazy.”
“Like that person who called me a newbie back in the office?” Jongin guesses.
“Right on. And he’s not even the worst.” Kyungsoo snaps his fingers and goes back to attacking his food. The two of them are the only ones in the cafeteria and Kyungsoo feels that Jongin is more than ready to face the rest of his new department (also Kyungsoo’s, unfortunately) after lunch. He frowns when he feels the vibration of his phone and takes it out to check his text messages.
Jongdae has sent him the (*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ)) emoji and Kyungsoo thinks he is better off not knowing just what Jongdae means by that. A minute later, his phone buzzes again with a simple "Congratulations!" from Minseok and it is without a reply that Kyungsoo switches his phone off, placating Jongin's questioning gaze with a small smile.
✱
The weather sees to it that, with frustration laden on top of bring-home tasks, Kyungsoo gets trapped in the rain after helping Yixing finish up his proposal for their latest project in Incheon. He bites back the swear words in his mouth and instead opts to release them in the form of a sigh. An unexpected sun shower in the middle of May and Kyungsoo finds himself looking up at the sun again. It seems a little farther away than it had been that morning. Kyungsoo stretches out a hand and lets the raindrops pelt onto his skin, tap-dancing here and there.
“Kyungsoo?”
He turns around, almost falls over but catches himself just in time. “Jongin?” He wants to ask why Jongin is still around, then remembers Kris has asked Jongin to go to his office, most likely to show Jongin some of their most recent bids and successful projects.
“Are you waiting for the rain to stop?” Jongin asks.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo sighs, “I didn’t expect it to rain and well, the weather station didn’t say that it would, either.”
Jongin stares at Kyungsoo, then looks back at the umbrella he is holding, and he looks back at Kyungsoo when he has made up his mind, “We can share.”
“What?”
“It’s big enough for us to share,” Jongin clarifies. Kyungsoo takes a look at the bright yellow umbrella, then back at Jongin. Compelled by the smile on Jongin’s face, he is nodding before he can reconsider his decision.
“Alright then,” he says, stepping forth until he is standing next to Jongin. There are still raindrops hitting his right shoulder, but at the very least, he won’t end up drenched from head to toe. “Thanks,” he remembers belatedly, ducking his head when Jongin shrugs his mortification away with an easy smile.
Past the cafe one street down, Kyungsoo starts to feel an unfamiliar emotion. In spite of the cold, he feels warm inside. Startled by his own satiation, he tells himself to focus on taking small, careful steps. Together, sharing one umbrella, the both of them are doing their best to shield the other from the rain.
The rain is cold, but the sun is warm.
✱
The air is damp and chilly. Huddling into his jacket, Kyungsoo can feel the moist air lacing itself in their surroundings. The flags outside a newly opened shop wave at him when he walks past, Jongin walking beside him, and it is all very quiet.
For the past weeks, they have gotten to know each other better. Jongin turns out to be a child who is still learning things from scratch, mouth full of questions whenever he opens it to speak. Just yesterday, he spent five minutes staring at the buzzer at a fast food place they went to and asked Kyungsoo if it was going to explode when it starts vibrating. Kyungsoo made sure to explain to him that no, buzzers can never explode and that they were used to tell them when their orders were ready.
Kyungsoo draws himself from his musing and refocuses on the street that is all too familiar to him. Jongin, for some reason, has insisted upon walking Kyungsoo home. On the left, street lights hang above them, like berries filled with light, and the sky is dimming. Kyungsoo makes a mental note to make sure Kris gives both Jongin and him a bonus at the end of the month (they have been working overtime for three days in a row, just to salvage what is left of the dirty mess another firm has left behind).
He sneaks a glance at Jongin who is staring straight ahead, deep in thought.
“Are you free this weekend?”
Jongin’s question comes all too suddenly, catching Kyungsoo off guard. He stares, confused. “What?”
“This weekend,” Jongin continues, “If you’re free, let me have it.”
What does that -
“I mean,” Jongin says, seeing that Kyungsoo is fighting to come up with a coherent reply, “Go on a date with me.”
“A what?”
“A date,” Jongin is smiling, eyes crinkling like folded corners of a book and it is unfair that Kyungsoo can’t bring himself to reject, to tell himself that this is the wrong thing to agree too. His inner self, the sensible part, is shrieking in violent protestation at what he is about to do, but he shoves it aside and brings himself to nod. All that is left is to enjoy the smiles spreading wide across Jongin’s face. It doesn’t give Kyungsoo butterflies in his stomach, not at all.
✱
The path is easy at first, but it grows steadily steeper and winds back and forth around jutting mounds and rocks. There isn’t even a single bench for them to catch their breath. Gradually, the path narrows and they slow down, for hurrying seems unwise, and settle with a more cautious, steady climb.
Kyungsoo’s legs are aching in no time and when he stops to rest for the second time, Jongin reaches out to take his hand in his.
“Hold on tight,” he says, and the complaints in Kyungsoo’s mouth die, just like that.
The higher they get, the stronger the wind. Jongin is quick to use it as an excuse to hug Kyungsoo tightly against him and against the wind’s nasty bites. It is so strong that they have to brace themselves when they finally reach the top, breaths cut short by exhaustion.
From the summit, with the world at their feet, all Kyungsoo can focus on is Jongin. The wind whispers stories and the clouds paint dreams but Kyungsoo’s attention is fixated on Jongin, who seems to be both in love with the height and yet, at the same time, scared of it.
“I can’t believe this,” Kyungsoo is still staring at Jongin and his eyes follow the movement of Jongin’s fingers, watching them perform an unheard tune on an imagined piano.
Jongin stops, “Can’t believe what?”
“You,” Kyungsoo answers, soft smile playing on his lips, “You brought me here, of all places, for our first date.”
They are seated, legs crossed and shoulders touching. It isn’t all that comfortable to be sitting on the rough ground (Jongin didn’t think to bring a mat) but Kyungsoo likes it all the same, even if it is -
“Not the ideal for the perfect first date?” Jongin takes the words right out of his thoughts.
Kyungsoo shrugs. “Not exactly,” he replies, “But it’s nice.”
Jongin nods and goes back to playing that song - that anthem of forgotten youth, a song Kyungsoo wishes he could have heard when he was still so filled with hope. In that moment, next to Jongin, wind ruffling his hair with affection, Kyungsoo thinks he has achieved a shot of complete euphoria. Is this his first? When the song ends, Jongin’s fingers move to weave Kyungsoo’s into a tight grasp. It feels like a bond of a lifetime.
They remain still and silent for a long while, warmth against warmth, and it is almost perfect.
“Are you afraid of heights?” Kyungsoo asks, out of the blue. Jongin blinks at him, tongue-tied, Kyungsoo laughs softly, and then allows himself to peer over the edge, “Well, I am.”
“I’m - ” Jongin seems to have changed his mind halfway, biting back his initial response. Kyungsoo waits for him to formulate another reply. “I’m afraid, too, of heights and falling.”
Kyungsoo nods. He wills himself not to imagine what falling would feel like. “Falling from great heights, huh? Sounds terrifying,” he adds, going back to watching Jongin’s fingers skitter about, nervously, hurrying around like they are the legs of a spider. Jongin starts playing the same song all over again.
Another pause, then, “Yeah.” Jongin opens his mouth to say something else, but his voice is all hoarse - his throat is suddenly dry and it hurts. Kyungsoo look at him worriedly and having caught the concern in Kyungsoo’s expression, Jongin squeezes a smile and tries clearing his throat. It feels better and so their world rights itself again.
“Must be really terrifying,” agrees Jongin, words scratchy in his mouth before they part from his lips.
Silence wraps around them and there, sitting on top of what appears to them to be the whole world, Kyungsoo starts counting the seconds, not knowing that Jongin is counting down to the rest of the time he has left in this place.
✱
Their second date is spent in celebration of their first successful project together.
Once the contract has been signed, the two of them are very nearly running away from the office, fingers hastily trying to loosen their ties and take them off. They need to breathe. In no time, they are cruising away from the giant block of glass and concrete, speeding on the highway. Kyungsoo, in the passenger seat, shifts so that he is turned towards Jongin. Even though Jongin’s eyes are fixed on the road, there is a barely restrained glee about him.
“We should commemorate this achievement,” Jongin says suddenly, startling Kyungsoo into looking away quickly, trying to act as if he hasn’t been staring, “shouldn’t we?”
“There’s no need for that,” Kyungsoo mutters, willing himself to keep staring at the reflection of his own face on the window, “There’s nothing much to celebrate, really.”
“There is,” Jongin insists.
Then, having made the decision for the both of them, he has his hand wrapped around Kyungsoo’s thin wrist easily, ignoring Kyungsoo’s feeble protests as he parks his car outside the very club Baekhyun has been trying to get Kyungsoo to go to a little more than three months ago.
When they are out of the car, soaking in the late night breeze, Kyungsoo stands and looks at Jongin - at the laugh lines clustered near his eyes and his lips. “It’s late,” he tries, “We should get home.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jongin argues, “It’s a Friday night. Jongdae hyung said that Friday nights are for wild parties and getting wasted.”
“You should probably stop hanging out with your lovely Jongdae hyung, then.”
“Oh, come on.” Jongin is laughing at the way Kyungsoo’s arms are crossed, reaching out to pull Kyungsoo towards him. “Just once, hmm?”
Kyungsoo often likes to think that he has excellent self-control, but when Jongin leans in close, his scent seems to have washed away every last bit of Kyungsoo’s resolve, unwrapping Kyungsoo’s reluctance to let out the nod he has been after.
The excited cheer he earns from Jongin makes his earlier conflict seems all the more ridiculous, so it seems.
✱
With alcohol running in his veins, Kyungsoo feels free, as if he has been relieved of some constraint or leash. He is stumbling down the steps of the meeting venue, Jongin keeping a close watch from right behind him. He giggles when he almost falls, Jongin coming to his rescue by pulling him up just in time.
“Be careful,” mutters Jongin.
Kyungsoo can hardly make out the concern written all over his face because of his blurred vision, but he thinks he hears it clear as day. “I’ll be fine,” he laughs, leaning against Jongin as he struggles to remain standing, “You’re here. You won’t let me fall.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Oh, but I do,” says Kyungsoo with a grin, smiling that smile that belongs to him when he knows he is right. “There is something about you.”
Giddy with joy, Kyungsoo misses the falter in Jongin’s smile.
✱
The grey clouds give way to clear skies and Kyungsoo starts to lose count of the number of dates he has had with Jongin, simply because he doesn’t want to measure happiness with numbers. In August, he surprises himself by inviting Jongin to stay with him. “The apartment is too big for myself,” he explains, looking away after catching sight of the smirk Jongin is giving him, “Plus, it’s nearer to the office. I’ll...collect rent and it’s really just for your convenience, nothing else.”
“Really?”
Jongin has moved so that he is standing incredibly close to Kyungsoo, warmth breath attacking Kyungsoo’s jittery senses as he tries not to shrink back. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. Before he can do something about the lack of personal space between them, Jongin closes it with a kiss - gentle as ever.
Their first kiss. Kyungsoo’s first. Perhaps it is Jongin’s first kiss as well.
“Are first kisses always this sweet?” asks Jongin. Kyungsoo stares. The moment is cut short when the two of them bursts out laughing, Kyungsoo leaning into Jongin’s embrace as they try to calm themselves and fails quite pathetically. Kyungsoo looks up, wanting to tease Jongin about what he has just said, but Jongin is back for a second kiss, and a third.
Soon, Jongin is consuming his tongue, hands pulling Kyungsoo in and locking him in place as everything boils down to the taste of Jongin and all that comes with it.
They are interrupted by Jongdae’s merry whistling and the stunned silence that follows. Behind Jongdae stand Lu Han and Kris. Caught, Kyungsoo lets out an embarrassed cough and immediately takes a step back, hands shooting to collect the tall stack of research materials on his desk, fluttering about as he tries to ignore the awkwardness in the room.
“Looks like we came in at a bad time,” Jongdae comments, smiling evilly and eyes fixed on the way Kyungsoo is looking anywhere but at the other occupants of his office. He turns to Kris, hand out for the sum he has won, “Told you sending Soo an early congratulation won’t hurt.”
Kyungsoo makes a note to replace the sugar in Jongdae’s next cup of coffee with salt and chili paste.
With a small, secretive smile, Jongin walks out of Kyungsoo’s newly earned assistant-director office and Jongdae, seeming to have caught onto Kyungsoo’s wicked plans, pales and quickly moves to drag Lu Han out. Kyungsoo, now permanently red-faced, coughs out an excuse to the still-grinning Kris and makes to go to the washroom and ‘cool down’.
“Hey, wait,” Kris calls out after him, having just remembered something.
Kyungsoo turns around, hand already on the doorknob, “Yeah?”
“Baekhyun called me yesterday,” Kris says. Something in Kyungsoo jolts and Kris, having caught on, throws him a baleful stare. “He asked about you. Seems like you two haven’t gone out in a while, huh? You should do something about it, y’know?” Instead of letting Kyungsoo walk out, Kris strides past and before Kyungsoo can recover from the impact of his words, he is already walking away.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo mutters, staring after Kris retreating figure, “Oh, okay.”
✱
Kyungsoo hurries into the cafe and grimaces when he sees Baekhyun seated in the seat furthest from the door, in the spot tucked away from view from the entrance. The reason for his lateness is a personal one; Jongin has insisted that they stay in, given that it is a Sunday morning and in spite of the meeting with Baekhyun, Kyungsoo has agreed.
“I’m sorry,” he goes, feeling apologetic when he finds that Baekhyun’s cup is almost half-empty.
Baekhyun sits up straighter when he hears Kyungsoo’s voice, but he doesn’t look up. With a soft sigh, Kyungsoo slides into the seat across Baekhyun, taking a short while to gauge the other’s mood.
“It’s alright,” Baekhyun mutters, “I was early.”
It is well past the time for a small, lighthearted chat. Both of them know that Kyungsoo has asked Baekhyun to meet here for a reason, that there is something Kyungsoo needs to tell.
Naturally, Baekhyun expects that it, whatever it is, won’t settle well with him. “So, what is it?” he asks.
Kyungsoo deliberates for a while, then goes, “Remember the new intern I told you about?”
“You mean the new intern Kris told me about,” Baekhyun corrects, “You confirmed it when I asked you.”
“Yeah, right, you did.”
“So, what about him?”
“Well,” Kyungsoo says slowly, “We’re dating.”
“That’s all?”
“And,” Kyungsoo continues, “He has moved in with me.”
“Well,” Baekhyun takes a sip of coffee, then says, “Now that is a real surprise.”
Kyungsoo has just finished telling him about Jongin moving in and Baekhyun’s tone leaves him unsure of how he should take his response. “What is that supposed to mean?”
A smile fills Baekhyun’s face as he sets his cup down, looking up to meet Kyungsoo’s gaze. It is a familiar smile, one that is knowing and vaguely condescending; Kyungsoo doesn’t like it.
“It means,” Baekhyun replies, “Don't you think your relationship is moving a little too quickly?"
Kyungsoo is quiet. A flash of understanding lights up in his expression before it turns into stony frustration. After a minute he says, “I think we’re going at an okay pace.”
Baekhyun smiles, finger tracing the outline of the flower painted on the cup he has and for a while, the silence between them is left to brew. “I’m just worried,” he finally says, “It feels like it’s getting out of control. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but it is.”
Kyungsoo takes a deep breath.
"How much do you even know about this guy?"
“Is this what it’s about?” Kyungsoo bristles. “This is about Jongin?” His eyes narrow when Baekhyun doesn’t deny it. “You were the one who told me to try harder, remember? Well, I’m walking towards something I want, what’s wrong with that?”
Baekhyun shrugs. “Just checking,” he says, lifting his cup once more so that he doesn’t have to go on. When he is done downing his drink, he looks back at Kyungsoo, whose vexation has been temporarily appeased by his own cup of tea, “So, Kris mentioned your promotion, how are things in a bigger seat?”
The topic is closed because, judging from the way Kyungsoo hesitates in answering Baekhyun’s question, his words have struck home, and that is all Baekhyun wants.
________________________________________
Kyungsoo and Jongin love each other quietly.
There are days Jongin wakes to Kyungsoo singing the color of his lips and the curve of his smile and other days, he returns the favor by surprising Kyungsoo by flooding the apartment with soft jazz when Kyungsoo emerges from his dream world which has, pleasantly enough, gone quiet.
Kyungsoo starts to re-learn colors when Jongin locks their hands together; it feels a lot like a promise. He studies soft tones in Jongin's whispered "Goodnight"s and "I love you"s, moves onto warm colors when he gets so distracted by Jongin's kisses and touches that he begins going off track.
With Jongin, eternity seems to be so within reach; time goes by and unknowingly, the seed of doubt Baekhyun has planted starts to grow.
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