#7 [EXO, SEHUN/KAI]
Fandom: EXO
Title: If I Were Your Boyfriend (Never Let You Go)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Sehun/Kai
Length: 5,200 words
Summary: This isn't a story about falling in love. This is a story about finding love.
A/N: thank you to N for all the hand holding and to S for reading through this and giving me the thumbs up. I hope this is to your liking, hoaegi!
Remixee author: hoaegi
Title of work you remixed: Pretenses
Link to work you remixed: http://hoaegi.livejournal.com/3867.html#cutid1
“Aren’t the stars bright tonight?”
Jongin is smiling up at him, soju bottle in hand as he pats the ground next to him absentmindedly. Sehun simply blinks at him in return, and attempts to make his way over, faltering a little in his step along the way. He giggles behind his hand, his brain still humming lightly, and settles down next to Jongin, their limbs tangling together as he falls into Jongin’s lap and makes himself comfortable.
There’s a dull silence that ensues shortly, where Sehun tries to catch his breath and Jongin busies himself tangling his fingers in Sehun’s hair. “Do you think we’ll ever shine as brightly as them?” Sehun whispers, eyes fixed on the twinkling lights before him.
“You bet,” Jongin grins at him and muses his bangs a little.
It was supposed to be a celebration between the twelve of them for the successful release of their first teaser. Somehow, the celebration had spiralled out of control when Baekhyun snuck a little too much alcohol into their fruit punch bowl and everyone ended up shit-faced drunk in thirty minutes flat. Sehun had cringed a little at the sight of his alcohol-intolerant hyungs, before Jongin had laced their fingers together and dragged him to the rooftop of their dorm, promises of real alcohol falling from his lips.
“From this point onwards, I’ll be Kai, the one who opens all the doors for you,” Jongin exclaims loudly, and Sehun snaps out of his mantra long enough to steal a glance at him.
Jongin looks beautiful tonight, with his hands thrown up in the air, his cheeks tinted a gentle pink hue, and his eyes alight and filled with promises, instead of the fatigue that Sehun had gotten accustomed to seeing. Sehun sits upright and stares, wishing he had stolen Lu Han’s polaroid camera to capture this moment, so that months down the road he could take it out and savor it again when the going gets tough.
“Promise me that you’ll still be the Jongin I spent years training with, despite everything.”
Jongin just stares blankly at him and sets the soju bottle down on the ground before shifting closer to Sehun so that their ankles are touching. The pads of his fingers land softly on Sehun’s cheek, tracing his cheekbone carelessly, and Sehun’s heart skips a beat as Jongin leans towards him. “I promise,” is the last thing Jongin whispers, before his lips are on Sehun’s, warm, comforting and filled with hope.
It isn’t the toe-curling first kiss that Sehun had expected; simply a press of lips for seconds, their eyes squeezed shut and Sehun’s pulse roaring insanely in his ear.
But, Sehun supposes, it’s good enough for him, even when Jongin starts giggling after that and Sehun is positive that Jongin will wake up subsequently with no memory of tonight.
☼
“Can you move?”
Jongin remains rooted to the spot, his legs sprawled out before him as he stares up at Sehun emotionlessly. Sehun exhales and presses fingers to his temples. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. The day’s been exhaustingly long and he’s really not in the mood to deal with Jongin and his insane mood swings, as of late, so he settles for making himself comfortable in the small space that Jongin’s legs doesn’t take up instead.
Except, even that is difficult, because every shift that Jongin makes results in his foot pressing into the side of Sehun’s waist, and a flurry of butterflies ensues.
It only takes five attempts, on Jongin’s part, before Sehun shoves his foot off the sofa and exclaims, “The fuck is your problem, Jongin? You don’t own the sofa.”
“Look,” Jongin says, his eyebrows furrowed together adorably as he sits upright. “I’m just as tired as you are and I would like to stretch out my legs. So can you stop being a pissy brat and just find somewhere else to sit? Hey, look, there’s plenty of space next to Lu Han. On the floor. Why don’t you just plant yourself there instead?”
Sehun opens and closes his mouth intelligently several times, before he puffs out his cheeks and shuffles to the floor instead. The granite of their dorm is frozen to the touch, made colder by the sudden absence of Jongin’s warmth, and Sehun bites on the inner walls of his cheeks in a useless attempt to stop his heart from sinking.
“Sehun,” Lu Han calls to him, a hand patting his shoulder as he reaches for Sehun.
It isn’t the same, but Sehun crawls over to him anyway and curls himself up into Lu Han’s embrace. He’ll take whatever comfort he can get for now, he supposes.
☼
The power of Wind; the ability to control her and hear her.
Sehun turns the small card around using his fingers, before dropping it to the table in slight despair. “Nervous?”
He turns a little, as Jongin settles into the empty leather seat next to him, his eyes devoid of emotion. And Sehun really doesn’t want to deal with this right now. The last thing he needs before filming is a wham in the gut, which is practically the only thing Jongin’s been capable of doing around him lately.
So, he shrugs instead and fidgets with the swirls on his belt - it’s your logo, cordi-noonas had told him. “I’m supposed to sit in a chair and hold out my hand delicately so that an imaginary butterfly can land on it,” he deadpans, scuffing the ground slightly with his sneakers.
There’s a soft tutting noise from beside him, as Jongin picks at his hair a little, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. And Sehun tries not to get consumed by disappointment at Jongin’s lack of attention on him. Of course, Kai has to look fabulous at any point of time. Sehun sighs and mumbles, “Why can’t I be the one who controls light? All Baekhyun-hyung has to do is hold out his hand.”
Jongin lets out a loud laugh at that, his shoulders shaking with exertion, as he stares at Sehun with barely-suppressed amusement. Sehun’s eyes flicker over with curiousity, only to be met with the toothy grin that he had grown to love. Jongin.
Jongin leans across the space between them, his hand finding Sehun’s easily as he holds it up, and Sehun tries to focus on controlling the rise and fall of his chest, rather than on the warmth against his right hand.
It’s been too long since they’ve been like this, a flush creeping up Sehun’s face while Jongin exhales into his personal space.
“You do it like this,” Jongin says softly, his eyes fixed on Sehun’s as he holds Sehun’s hand up in a mock pose.
There’s too little distance between them, too little air in the room. Sehun blinks dumbly at Jongin, as Jongin brushes his thumb across the back of Sehun’s hand, the way he always did when he found Sehun curled up in a corner of the room after screwing up another choreography. Sehun relaxes into the touch, his fingers tightening around Jongin’s, and Jongin gives him a lazy smile, thumb still warm against his. And Sehun wonders whether he’s ready to deal with the aftermath of leaning in and -
“Sehun-ah, have you done your make-up?”
Lu Han looks up absently from some papers in his hands and blinks a couple of times, before exclaiming, “I’m sorry! I. Make-up noona just asked me to check with you and.”
“It’s fine,” Jongin answers on his behalf, as he drops Sehun’s hand and turns away, the smile on his face dropping back into a look of casual indifference.
Only, it’s not, Sehun realises as he allows Lu Han to catch him by the wrist and pull him over to the make-up table. The warmth in Jongin’s eyes has been wiped clean once again, his expression cool and controlled, and the look sends shivers up Sehun’s spine.
SM’s priced child.
And Sehun wishes, that he could hear the Wind. Maybe she could tell him when Jongin’s coming back.
☼
Somewhere along the way, everything blurs.
Sehun’s no longer sure what the tightening in his chest signifies, whenever Jongin brushes past him, a jolt of electricity surging through him at the slightest touch of his fingers. Maybe, if anyone had asked him a couple of months ago, he would have been jaded enough to say that he’s falling, just a little, for his best friend.
But now, when Jongin moves fluidly across the stage, a smirk etched on his face as he brushes a thumb across his lips, Sehun feels like he has lost that certainty.
He watches as Jongin shrug off questions that he would have laughed off and answered in a heartbeat months ago.
He watches the way Jongin’s eyes flicker across the crowd before them, while he makes his introduction, eyes devoid of warmth.
He watches and sees only Kai, the pristine ice prince that SM has worked hard on creating, and Sehun feels sick all of a sudden.
“Sehun is really handsome,” Jongin comments, a small smile gracing his face.
Sehun’s stomach twists, as he forces a laugh out and tries to hide his face behind his hand, listening to the eruption of laughter from the crowd.
When he pulls his hand away, Jongin’s eyes are still fixed on him, dark, empty, and terrifying, and Sehun tries to find the strength to smile back at him, even though he feels empty inside.
Jongin’s only four seats away from him, yet, the distance has never felt more impending.
☼
“Hey, give me five minutes to stretch, alright?”
Sehun glances up from deciphering Yixing’s strange Korean on his phone and nods. Jongin catches his eye in the mirror and throws him a small smile, before he cracks his back.
He swallows, realising belatedly that he should have gone back with the others instead of opting to stay with Jongin to practice some more. It’s the first time that he’s really been alone with Jongin in months. Distance had always seemed to be the easier way to bury the disappointment weighing him down when he sees Kai smirk or turn his back on fans without so much of a goodbye.
Sehun tries to turn his attention back to Yixing’s weird Hangul, but all he sees is Jongin’s white tank riding up, as Jongin stretches his arms, revealing taut, tanned skin covered in a shin of sweat.
Unknowingly, Sehun gets to his feet and closes the distance between them. He vaguely hears Jongin muttering something along the lines of what are you doing before he swipes his thumb over Jongin’s waist. All he receives in return is a shiver from Jongin, before a hand clamps down on his wrist, and Sehun’s suddenly backed against the mirror, Jongin breathing hard in his face.
Jongin’s eyes are dark, almost unreadable, as his fringe falls into his eyes. “You were swea-” Sehun attempts weakly.
Except, he doesn’t actually get to finish his sentence, because Jongin is suddenly poking at his sides, a smile breaking out on his face, and Sehun is wheezing, falling forward easily into Jongin’s arms. Jongin is relentless, still poking harshly at Sehun’s side as Sehun’s oxygen supply is ripped ruthlessly from him.
There’s heat everywhere, around Sehun’s waist, between Sehun’s legs, at the back of Sehun’s neck and all Sehun can think about is JonginJonginJongin, as he relaxes into the heat and exhales shakily.
Jongin’s laughing into his shoulder, his head lolling against the side of Sehun’s neck, warm breath falling in short puffs. And Sehun just remains motionless, lets Jongin assault his personal space as he runs fingers up and down Jongin’s back.
When Jongin pulls away, his cheeks are flushed and he grins at Sehun. “Blame yourself. You started the tickle fest.”
Sehun smiles weakly in response, as his heart flutters lightly. It’s been too long since Jongin’s been like this; too preoccupied with dancing and rapping and trying to be Kai instead. And Sehun’s missed this. He’s missed laughing with Jongin, fooling around with Jongin, and just falling endlessly into the bottomless black hole that’s Jongin.
So, when Jongin fools him into taking his hand and starts poking at his side mercilessly again, Sehun lets himself fall to the ground, followed suit by Jongin. It’s worth it, he figures, Jongin’s weight warm on him, his eyes bright like the stars and his smile genuine and filled with mirth.
It’s the first time in months that Jongin is back, and Sehun thinks, he should enjoy this, even if it doesn’t last forever.
☼
It comes as a surprise to all of them when the line-up for their performance with TTS is released, and Jongin - no, Kai - isn’t on it.
Sehun hates himself a little, when his heart goes light with relief that it’s Lu Han with him, instead of Jongin. So, he throws himself mindlessly into the practice, almost as though that will erase the guilt weighing him down.
It surprises him when he returns to their dorm after practice one night, to find Jongin dozing off on their couch, his legs curled up close to his chest. Sehun toes off his shoes quietly, and approaches the couch, shaking Jongin’s shoulders light. “Hey, you’re going to wake up with a backache if you sleep like that,” he coos softly.
Jongin doesn’t stir, and Sehun pauses, kneeling down on the ground. There are dark circles framing his eyes, his skin more blotchy than Sehun remembers without the thick cake of makeup covering it.
And Sehun suddenly remembers, that beneath all the glitter and eyeliner, Jongin is but a year older than him; that Kai is no different from him, still trying to learn the steps and dips in stardom.
“Sehun!”
Jongin’s eyes fly open and he almost rolls off the couch, just as Sehun’s hands fly up to press his sides against the plush cushions. A look of shock crosses Jongin’s face, before he exhales and his shoulders slump. “You’re back,” he says, fingers curling around Sehun’s, pulling him onto the couch, beside him.
“Were you waiting for me?” Sehun asks, his eyes widening slightly, his heart beating erratically against his rib cage.
“How was practice?” Jongin asks instead, chewing on his lower lip and carefully averting Sehun’s questioning eyes.
Sehun beams, and leans his head against Jongin’s shoulder, relaxing into the way Jongin’s finger traces patterns through the thin fabric of his sweats, as he recounts practice.
“And Lu Han-hyung’s English is actually so much better than Tiffany-noona’s, did you know that?” Sehun turns his head slightly, just in time to catch the smile fall from Jongin’s face for a split second, before it’s back.
“Sehun, I -” Jongin starts, and Sehun’s grip on Jongin’s wrist tightens.
“But you know what? Even with Lu Han-hyung there, the performance -”
“I’m tired,” Jongin blurts out, his voice echoing around the empty living room, and Sehun finally falls silent. “I’m tired, let’s talk some other time?”
The smile that Jongin gives him doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s the one that Sehun hates, the one that Jongin fills with empty promises instead of his heart. And Sehun doesn’t have the heart to keep Kai by his side, so he lets Jongin’s wrist slip from his grasp and watches Jongin trudge back to his shared room with Kyungsoo, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
-means nothing if you’re not there, hangs densely in the air, and Sehun sighs, before reaching for his vibrating phone.
Is everything okay? You seemed off during practice.
- Lu Han
Sehun stares at the text and dumps his phone back into his bag, cradling his head in his hands. He’s too tired to talk about anything right now.
It only strikes to him, when he’s almost dozing off to Jongdae’s light snores, that Teleportation is possibly the most apt power for Jongin. Because Kai has the habit of walking into his life as and when he wants to.
☼
“Is something wrong,” Lu Han finally says, when they’re done ordering at their favourite cafe, his brows creased with worry.
It comes off more as a statement than a question, and Sehun shrugs, sighs a little and runs fingers through his long bangs. Lu Han’s always been able to read him like an open book.
Lu Han reaches across the table and pats Sehun’s hand lightly. The warmth is a different kind of warmth on the back of Sehun’s hand, but it brings him a little comfort nonetheless.
“Tell hyung what’s wrong,” Lu Han coos. “You’ve been distracted lately.”
Sehun swallows hard, managing a smile at the waiter who bows slightly and slides two steaming mugs of coffee to them. He takes a sip of his coffee, pouting a little when it scalds his tongue, before he glances up at Lu Han. “I miss Jongin.”
Lu Han blinks at him a few times and waves his hand in front of Sehun. “Hello, Sehun? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m the one who spends half his time oceans away.”
“I, just.” Sehun fumbles with the handle of his mug for several seconds and exhales loudly. “I don’t want to dance with Kai. I don’t want to rap with Kai’s arm around mine. I don’t want to wait nervously for our turn backstage with Kai. I just want my best friend back. I just want Jongin by my side again.”
When Lu Han stares at him, mouth agape, steaming mug of coffee hovering in the air, inches away from his lips, Sehun just shakes his head and chews on his lower lip. “It’s stupid,” he says, taking a large gulp of his coffee, ignoring the way it burns his throat slightly. “Just. Pretend that I didn’t say anything.”
“Sehun.”
Lu Han’s eyes are kind and understanding, his hand warm on Sehun’s shoulder, as he shifts into the seat next to Sehun instead. It’s silly, really, but Sehun allows his head to drop onto Lu Han’s shoulder, nonetheless, allows Lu Han to wrap arms around him quietly.
“It’s like,” Sehun starts abruptly, Lu Han’s fingers drumming a steady beat against his arm. “It’s like all he cares about is being Kai. I mean, sometimes he feels like Jongin, but sometimes it’s like he slips back into that Kai mask and I don’t even know what I did wrongly. I just.”
He blinks a couple of times, before he feels a thumb tracing the eye bags under his eyes. Lu Han simply chews on his lower lip and runs fingers wordlessly through his hair, until Sehun calms down, his chest rising and falling at an even pace.
☼
Seoul seems to change when EXO-M returns to China. The sounds become amplified and the sights blur. And everything seems a little harder when Lu Han isn’t by his side, poking his cheeks and buying him bubble tea whenever Sehun feels like he’s drowning.
So, Sehun finds himself falling into a daily routine of waking up, dancing, showering and falling into bed, in a fruitless attempt of masking his emotions. Everything seems easier to shrug off when he’s tired, people seem to become more understanding and push him less for answers.
He thinks he’s doing a good job of it until he exerts a little too much effort during solo practice and he falls to the ground, a piercing pain shooting upwards from his ankle. “Fuck,” Sehun hisses, tears burning at the corner of his eyes, as he grips his ankle.
The music fades off in the background and Jongin’s suddenly by his side, his fingers soft and comforting against Sehun’s ankle. Sehun inhales shakily and blinks away his tears, mumbling, “What are you doing here?”
Jongin opts to ignore him as he shoves Sehun’s shoulders lightly, so that Sehun is sitting down, his legs stretched out before him. “Tell me if it hurts.”
Sehun nods, his teeth tugging on his lower lip, as he watches Jongin press his fingers against his ankle, moving them in a circular motion, the warmth of Jongin’s fingers oddly comforting against the numbing pain in his ankle.
“Are you an idiot?” Jongin bursts out abruptly.
Sehun glances up and startles a little at the intensity of Jongin’s stare. Jongin sighs and continues, “Over-exerting. Injuries. That’s my forte, Sehun.”
When Sehun stays silent for a second too long, Jongin drops his hand from his ankle and waves a hand before his face. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Talk to me like how we used to during pre-debut, Sehun.”
And Jongin’s too close, breathing right into Sehun’s personal space, and Sehun wishes the room wasn’t so deafeningly silent all of a sudden. He blinks at the effort and falls back on his palms, his breath catching as Jongin follows suit, his face hovering inches away from Sehun’s, and Sehun finds himself fixated, unable to tear his eyes away from Jongin.
The temptation of kissing Jongin is insanely overpowering, and Sehun’s suddenly reminded of how warm Jongin’s lips are on his, before he hastily pushes the memory to the back of his mind.
"Can't talk to me because I'm not Lu Han?"
Sehun's eyes widen as he watches Jongin pull back, his eyes dark and unreadable. "Jongin," Sehun starts, his pulse still roaring in his ears.
"I'll get Chanyeol-hyung to get you back to the dorm. I still want to practice a little."
Sehun tries to get to his feet, reaching out uselessly for Jongin's hoodie, before he stumbles a little and he lets out a soft gasp of pain. Jongin pauses for a second, a look of panic flashing past his eyes as he glances at Sehun.
The moment passes too fast and Jongin's eyes are filled with that cool indifference once again, Kai slipping into position steadily, as he yanks on the door handle, letting the door slam shut behind him.
It’s only when Jongin is out of sight, does Sehun curl up on his side, blink back tears, and waits for Chanyeol to come and find him.
☼
“Hey, I didn’t know Jongin can dance like that.”
Baekhyun’s pointing at a point behind Sehun’s head, rolling a strawberry lollipop around his mouth lazily. Sehun chews on his lower lip and inhales deeply. Jongin hasn’t spoken to him ever since he hurt his ankle, opting to exit the room wordlessly whenever Sehun walks into it.
So, he hesitates for a moment, before curiousity overwhelms him and he whirls around on his heel, eyes bright. His world promptly falls silent, the people around him blurring, as his eyes trace Jongin’s movement.
Jongin’s leaning close to Taemin, a hand resting on Taemin’s shoulder as he does a lazy body wave, his body flush against Taemin’s side as he moves. Taemin simply laughs in return, his hands falling easily to Jongin’s waist as he pulls Jongin into a half-hug and giggles into his hair.
It doesn’t last for more than a few seconds, but even when Taemin pulls away and ruffles Jongin’s hair, the only image flashing before Sehun’s eyes is the look on Jongin’s face the whole time. The genuinity of the smile that used to belong only to Sehun.
Sehun chews hard on his lower lip, the taste of metal burning at the back of his throat, mixed with the overwhelming taste of salt as he watches Taemin prance away, blinking furiously.
“Sehun.”
Lu Han’s arm around him is comforting, almost knowing, and he lets Lu Han pulls him away just as he locks eyes with Jongin. The look in his eyes is too cold, like he’s challenging Sehun to say something, and Sehun doesn’t think he’s ready to deal with that yet.
Jongin’s not his, has never been his, and will probably never be his.
Maybe, this was just the slap in the face he needed all along.
☼
“Can you just talk to him. You two look both look like kicked puppies, for Christ’s sake.”
Yixing doesn’t even bother looking up as he fluffs his pillow and falls face-first into it. Lu Han shoots him a glare and throws a dirty shirt at Yixing, before turning his attention to a sulking Sehun on the ground.
“Yixing’s right though,” Lu Han starts, as he settles down on the ground next to Sehun. “You should talk to Jongin. About what this-” he does a vague gesture with his hand and flaps around a little, “is exactly. I can’t even define your relationship.”
“He’s my best friend, there’s nothing to talk about,” Sehun grumbles, pulling his legs close to his chest, his eyes downcast.
The arm around him has never felt more comforting, as Sehun drops his head onto Lu Han’s shoulder and allows Lu Han to pull him into his embrace, his hands warm against Sehun’s back. He feels Lu Han sigh a little into his hair, but hears nothing apart from the occasional light snores from Yixing.
He knows he’s being terribly childish, but, Sehun would rather live in the feeling of the unknown than have his heart ripped out of his chest by rejection.
Sehun falls asleep that night, curled up against Lu Han’s body, and he dreams. He dreams of the stars and the sky and a boy with bright smiles and sparkling eyes, who loves Sehun as much as Sehun loves him.
And Sehun thinks, that perhaps, he is happy in that dream.
☼
Kris is a lot less patient and understanding than Lu Han, with the responsibilities and pressure of being the leader weighing down heavily on his shoulders. So, Sehun finds himself cornered as their boarding passes are handed out by Kris’s heavy stare and the downturn of his lips.
“Whatever deal you have with Jongin,” Kris starts, as he flips through the stack of boarding passes, “Fix it before we take off, or that will be a hell of a long flight for you, Sehun.”
Sehun’s eyes flicker to the boarding pass in Jongin’s hand momentarily and inhales deeply. 34B.
He doesn’t have to look at his pass to know where he’s sitting. Kris fixes him with a stare before he breaks into a small smile and ruffles his hair. “It’ll be fine, stop worrying.”
Sehun manages a smile and waits for Kris to turn away before he turns and fixes Zitao with the world’s sweetest smile. Zitao screams something in Mandarin and flaps off, latching on to Minseok’s arm sadly. Sehun tries not to roll his eyes. Trust Zitao to pretend that he’s incapable of understanding Korean at the most crucial times.
When Sehun finally inhales deeply and glances up, Jongin’s staring at his phone, oblivious to his surroundings. The sounds around them blur, as Sehun watches the way Jongin’s tongue darts out to lick his lips and how his eyelashes flutter softly when he smiles and types a reply on his phone.
“Can we talk?” Sehun mouths, when Jongin glances up and locks gazes with him.
There’s a moment of hesitation, before Jongin shrugs and walks towards him, allowing Sehun’s hand to clamp down tightly on his wrist, dragging him to a less crowded area in the airport. “Sehun,” Jongin grits out, a warning, as he tugs Sehun to a halt so that Sehun’s just inches away from him. “Yifan-hyung will get worried and nag like a bitch if we wander off too far.”
The conversation probably could have begun in a thousand better ways, but Sehun finds himself spitting out with slight venom, his heart constricting painfully, “Do you like Taemin-hyung?”
A look of disbelief crosses Jongin’s face, and Sehun knows that look anywhere as Jongin rolls his eyes and snorts, with a shake of his head.
On any other occasion, it would have probably toned him down a little, just so he can avoid having to deal with a pissed Jongin. But, in the current circumstance, all it does is fuel the fire burning a hole inside him, so he grits his teeth and continues, “So the dancing back there was just fan service?”
“What’s wrong? Are you going to tell me that only you and Lu Han-hyung are entitled to fan service?” Jongin snaps, as he takes a step towards Sehun, and Sehun stands his ground with a growl.
When Sehun doesn’t answer, simply drops his eyes to stare at Jongin’s Converse instead, he feels Jongin sigh more than hear it. Jongin looks exhausted, and Sehun is too. He just wants to turn back time and stay in the moment when Jongin shines as brightly as the stars in the night sky, when all he could see was Sehun.
Jongin shakes his head and tugs his wrist out of Sehun’s grasp. And Sehun watches him. He watches Jongin slip back into the mask of Kai, watches him turn on his heel, watches him take the first step away.
Just tell him.
“I like you,” Sehun finally says, after Jongin’s fifth step.
It’s barely above a whisper, but Jongin pauses in his step nonetheless and turns around slowly, his face devoid of emotion. And Sehun takes four steps forward, so that the tip of his shoes touches Jongin’s. He inhales again, and repeats, “I like you, Kim Jongin.”
All he receives in return is a look of confusion, and Sehun turns his face away. He’d rather Jongin just shove him away and tell him to stay away than have this uncertainty hang densely in the air between them.
“Did you kiss Lu Han-hyung?”
“What?” Sehun asks, his eyes wide with surprise, before he exhales. “No. Never.”
A look of uncertainty, almost doubt, crosses Jongin’s face and Sehun chews on his lower lip, mumbling, “But I kissed you.”
“You remembered?”
Sehun’s eyes widen with surprise and he nods slowly. “I thought you forgot and -”
Except, he doesn’t get to finish his sentence, because Jongin is leaning in and kissing Sehun, and his lips are as soft and comforting as Sehun remembers. Sehun makes a small sound at the back of his throat and tugs on the sleeves of Jongin’s shirt, with a small pout, when Jongin pulls away a few seconds later. “Hey, I-”
Jongin simply leans in again and presses his lips for a second against Sehun’s, and Sehun’s brain jolts back to live long enough for him to mutter, “Fine, but you owe me lots of kissing when we’re back in the dorm.”
“Deal,” Jongin mumbles, lips moving smoothly against the expanse of Sehun’s cheek for a moment.
“Jongin! Sehun!” Lu Han calls, a short distance away, waving his hand wildly.
Jongin simply smiles and waves back, before he threads his fingers through Sehun’s and tugs him gently in Lu Han’s direction. And this time, Sehun lets him, keeping the smile on his face despite Jongdae’s teasing.
☼
Not much changes.
Sehun still gets insanely nervous before going on stage. Baekhyun still laughs at him when he trips and forgets his dance steps, even though Baekhyun is tons worse than him. Jongdae still makes snarky jokes when Sehun’s eating breakfast next to him, little red marks dotting his neck.
But then, Jongin finds Sehun’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, coupled with a small smile, and Sehun knows that everything’s well.
Title: If I Were Your Boyfriend (Never Let You Go)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Sehun/Kai
Length: 5,200 words
Summary: This isn't a story about falling in love. This is a story about finding love.
A/N: thank you to N for all the hand holding and to S for reading through this and giving me the thumbs up. I hope this is to your liking, hoaegi!
Remixee author: hoaegi
Title of work you remixed: Pretenses
Link to work you remixed: http://hoaegi.livejournal.com/3867.html#cutid1
“Aren’t the stars bright tonight?”
Jongin is smiling up at him, soju bottle in hand as he pats the ground next to him absentmindedly. Sehun simply blinks at him in return, and attempts to make his way over, faltering a little in his step along the way. He giggles behind his hand, his brain still humming lightly, and settles down next to Jongin, their limbs tangling together as he falls into Jongin’s lap and makes himself comfortable.
There’s a dull silence that ensues shortly, where Sehun tries to catch his breath and Jongin busies himself tangling his fingers in Sehun’s hair. “Do you think we’ll ever shine as brightly as them?” Sehun whispers, eyes fixed on the twinkling lights before him.
“You bet,” Jongin grins at him and muses his bangs a little.
It was supposed to be a celebration between the twelve of them for the successful release of their first teaser. Somehow, the celebration had spiralled out of control when Baekhyun snuck a little too much alcohol into their fruit punch bowl and everyone ended up shit-faced drunk in thirty minutes flat. Sehun had cringed a little at the sight of his alcohol-intolerant hyungs, before Jongin had laced their fingers together and dragged him to the rooftop of their dorm, promises of real alcohol falling from his lips.
“From this point onwards, I’ll be Kai, the one who opens all the doors for you,” Jongin exclaims loudly, and Sehun snaps out of his mantra long enough to steal a glance at him.
Jongin looks beautiful tonight, with his hands thrown up in the air, his cheeks tinted a gentle pink hue, and his eyes alight and filled with promises, instead of the fatigue that Sehun had gotten accustomed to seeing. Sehun sits upright and stares, wishing he had stolen Lu Han’s polaroid camera to capture this moment, so that months down the road he could take it out and savor it again when the going gets tough.
“Promise me that you’ll still be the Jongin I spent years training with, despite everything.”
Jongin just stares blankly at him and sets the soju bottle down on the ground before shifting closer to Sehun so that their ankles are touching. The pads of his fingers land softly on Sehun’s cheek, tracing his cheekbone carelessly, and Sehun’s heart skips a beat as Jongin leans towards him. “I promise,” is the last thing Jongin whispers, before his lips are on Sehun’s, warm, comforting and filled with hope.
It isn’t the toe-curling first kiss that Sehun had expected; simply a press of lips for seconds, their eyes squeezed shut and Sehun’s pulse roaring insanely in his ear.
But, Sehun supposes, it’s good enough for him, even when Jongin starts giggling after that and Sehun is positive that Jongin will wake up subsequently with no memory of tonight.
☼
“Can you move?”
Jongin remains rooted to the spot, his legs sprawled out before him as he stares up at Sehun emotionlessly. Sehun exhales and presses fingers to his temples. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. The day’s been exhaustingly long and he’s really not in the mood to deal with Jongin and his insane mood swings, as of late, so he settles for making himself comfortable in the small space that Jongin’s legs doesn’t take up instead.
Except, even that is difficult, because every shift that Jongin makes results in his foot pressing into the side of Sehun’s waist, and a flurry of butterflies ensues.
It only takes five attempts, on Jongin’s part, before Sehun shoves his foot off the sofa and exclaims, “The fuck is your problem, Jongin? You don’t own the sofa.”
“Look,” Jongin says, his eyebrows furrowed together adorably as he sits upright. “I’m just as tired as you are and I would like to stretch out my legs. So can you stop being a pissy brat and just find somewhere else to sit? Hey, look, there’s plenty of space next to Lu Han. On the floor. Why don’t you just plant yourself there instead?”
Sehun opens and closes his mouth intelligently several times, before he puffs out his cheeks and shuffles to the floor instead. The granite of their dorm is frozen to the touch, made colder by the sudden absence of Jongin’s warmth, and Sehun bites on the inner walls of his cheeks in a useless attempt to stop his heart from sinking.
“Sehun,” Lu Han calls to him, a hand patting his shoulder as he reaches for Sehun.
It isn’t the same, but Sehun crawls over to him anyway and curls himself up into Lu Han’s embrace. He’ll take whatever comfort he can get for now, he supposes.
☼
The power of Wind; the ability to control her and hear her.
Sehun turns the small card around using his fingers, before dropping it to the table in slight despair. “Nervous?”
He turns a little, as Jongin settles into the empty leather seat next to him, his eyes devoid of emotion. And Sehun really doesn’t want to deal with this right now. The last thing he needs before filming is a wham in the gut, which is practically the only thing Jongin’s been capable of doing around him lately.
So, he shrugs instead and fidgets with the swirls on his belt - it’s your logo, cordi-noonas had told him. “I’m supposed to sit in a chair and hold out my hand delicately so that an imaginary butterfly can land on it,” he deadpans, scuffing the ground slightly with his sneakers.
There’s a soft tutting noise from beside him, as Jongin picks at his hair a little, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. And Sehun tries not to get consumed by disappointment at Jongin’s lack of attention on him. Of course, Kai has to look fabulous at any point of time. Sehun sighs and mumbles, “Why can’t I be the one who controls light? All Baekhyun-hyung has to do is hold out his hand.”
Jongin lets out a loud laugh at that, his shoulders shaking with exertion, as he stares at Sehun with barely-suppressed amusement. Sehun’s eyes flicker over with curiousity, only to be met with the toothy grin that he had grown to love. Jongin.
Jongin leans across the space between them, his hand finding Sehun’s easily as he holds it up, and Sehun tries to focus on controlling the rise and fall of his chest, rather than on the warmth against his right hand.
It’s been too long since they’ve been like this, a flush creeping up Sehun’s face while Jongin exhales into his personal space.
“You do it like this,” Jongin says softly, his eyes fixed on Sehun’s as he holds Sehun’s hand up in a mock pose.
There’s too little distance between them, too little air in the room. Sehun blinks dumbly at Jongin, as Jongin brushes his thumb across the back of Sehun’s hand, the way he always did when he found Sehun curled up in a corner of the room after screwing up another choreography. Sehun relaxes into the touch, his fingers tightening around Jongin’s, and Jongin gives him a lazy smile, thumb still warm against his. And Sehun wonders whether he’s ready to deal with the aftermath of leaning in and -
“Sehun-ah, have you done your make-up?”
Lu Han looks up absently from some papers in his hands and blinks a couple of times, before exclaiming, “I’m sorry! I. Make-up noona just asked me to check with you and.”
“It’s fine,” Jongin answers on his behalf, as he drops Sehun’s hand and turns away, the smile on his face dropping back into a look of casual indifference.
Only, it’s not, Sehun realises as he allows Lu Han to catch him by the wrist and pull him over to the make-up table. The warmth in Jongin’s eyes has been wiped clean once again, his expression cool and controlled, and the look sends shivers up Sehun’s spine.
SM’s priced child.
And Sehun wishes, that he could hear the Wind. Maybe she could tell him when Jongin’s coming back.
☼
Somewhere along the way, everything blurs.
Sehun’s no longer sure what the tightening in his chest signifies, whenever Jongin brushes past him, a jolt of electricity surging through him at the slightest touch of his fingers. Maybe, if anyone had asked him a couple of months ago, he would have been jaded enough to say that he’s falling, just a little, for his best friend.
But now, when Jongin moves fluidly across the stage, a smirk etched on his face as he brushes a thumb across his lips, Sehun feels like he has lost that certainty.
He watches as Jongin shrug off questions that he would have laughed off and answered in a heartbeat months ago.
He watches the way Jongin’s eyes flicker across the crowd before them, while he makes his introduction, eyes devoid of warmth.
He watches and sees only Kai, the pristine ice prince that SM has worked hard on creating, and Sehun feels sick all of a sudden.
“Sehun is really handsome,” Jongin comments, a small smile gracing his face.
Sehun’s stomach twists, as he forces a laugh out and tries to hide his face behind his hand, listening to the eruption of laughter from the crowd.
When he pulls his hand away, Jongin’s eyes are still fixed on him, dark, empty, and terrifying, and Sehun tries to find the strength to smile back at him, even though he feels empty inside.
Jongin’s only four seats away from him, yet, the distance has never felt more impending.
☼
“Hey, give me five minutes to stretch, alright?”
Sehun glances up from deciphering Yixing’s strange Korean on his phone and nods. Jongin catches his eye in the mirror and throws him a small smile, before he cracks his back.
He swallows, realising belatedly that he should have gone back with the others instead of opting to stay with Jongin to practice some more. It’s the first time that he’s really been alone with Jongin in months. Distance had always seemed to be the easier way to bury the disappointment weighing him down when he sees Kai smirk or turn his back on fans without so much of a goodbye.
Sehun tries to turn his attention back to Yixing’s weird Hangul, but all he sees is Jongin’s white tank riding up, as Jongin stretches his arms, revealing taut, tanned skin covered in a shin of sweat.
Unknowingly, Sehun gets to his feet and closes the distance between them. He vaguely hears Jongin muttering something along the lines of what are you doing before he swipes his thumb over Jongin’s waist. All he receives in return is a shiver from Jongin, before a hand clamps down on his wrist, and Sehun’s suddenly backed against the mirror, Jongin breathing hard in his face.
Jongin’s eyes are dark, almost unreadable, as his fringe falls into his eyes. “You were swea-” Sehun attempts weakly.
Except, he doesn’t actually get to finish his sentence, because Jongin is suddenly poking at his sides, a smile breaking out on his face, and Sehun is wheezing, falling forward easily into Jongin’s arms. Jongin is relentless, still poking harshly at Sehun’s side as Sehun’s oxygen supply is ripped ruthlessly from him.
There’s heat everywhere, around Sehun’s waist, between Sehun’s legs, at the back of Sehun’s neck and all Sehun can think about is JonginJonginJongin, as he relaxes into the heat and exhales shakily.
Jongin’s laughing into his shoulder, his head lolling against the side of Sehun’s neck, warm breath falling in short puffs. And Sehun just remains motionless, lets Jongin assault his personal space as he runs fingers up and down Jongin’s back.
When Jongin pulls away, his cheeks are flushed and he grins at Sehun. “Blame yourself. You started the tickle fest.”
Sehun smiles weakly in response, as his heart flutters lightly. It’s been too long since Jongin’s been like this; too preoccupied with dancing and rapping and trying to be Kai instead. And Sehun’s missed this. He’s missed laughing with Jongin, fooling around with Jongin, and just falling endlessly into the bottomless black hole that’s Jongin.
So, when Jongin fools him into taking his hand and starts poking at his side mercilessly again, Sehun lets himself fall to the ground, followed suit by Jongin. It’s worth it, he figures, Jongin’s weight warm on him, his eyes bright like the stars and his smile genuine and filled with mirth.
It’s the first time in months that Jongin is back, and Sehun thinks, he should enjoy this, even if it doesn’t last forever.
☼
It comes as a surprise to all of them when the line-up for their performance with TTS is released, and Jongin - no, Kai - isn’t on it.
Sehun hates himself a little, when his heart goes light with relief that it’s Lu Han with him, instead of Jongin. So, he throws himself mindlessly into the practice, almost as though that will erase the guilt weighing him down.
It surprises him when he returns to their dorm after practice one night, to find Jongin dozing off on their couch, his legs curled up close to his chest. Sehun toes off his shoes quietly, and approaches the couch, shaking Jongin’s shoulders light. “Hey, you’re going to wake up with a backache if you sleep like that,” he coos softly.
Jongin doesn’t stir, and Sehun pauses, kneeling down on the ground. There are dark circles framing his eyes, his skin more blotchy than Sehun remembers without the thick cake of makeup covering it.
And Sehun suddenly remembers, that beneath all the glitter and eyeliner, Jongin is but a year older than him; that Kai is no different from him, still trying to learn the steps and dips in stardom.
“Sehun!”
Jongin’s eyes fly open and he almost rolls off the couch, just as Sehun’s hands fly up to press his sides against the plush cushions. A look of shock crosses Jongin’s face, before he exhales and his shoulders slump. “You’re back,” he says, fingers curling around Sehun’s, pulling him onto the couch, beside him.
“Were you waiting for me?” Sehun asks, his eyes widening slightly, his heart beating erratically against his rib cage.
“How was practice?” Jongin asks instead, chewing on his lower lip and carefully averting Sehun’s questioning eyes.
Sehun beams, and leans his head against Jongin’s shoulder, relaxing into the way Jongin’s finger traces patterns through the thin fabric of his sweats, as he recounts practice.
“And Lu Han-hyung’s English is actually so much better than Tiffany-noona’s, did you know that?” Sehun turns his head slightly, just in time to catch the smile fall from Jongin’s face for a split second, before it’s back.
“Sehun, I -” Jongin starts, and Sehun’s grip on Jongin’s wrist tightens.
“But you know what? Even with Lu Han-hyung there, the performance -”
“I’m tired,” Jongin blurts out, his voice echoing around the empty living room, and Sehun finally falls silent. “I’m tired, let’s talk some other time?”
The smile that Jongin gives him doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s the one that Sehun hates, the one that Jongin fills with empty promises instead of his heart. And Sehun doesn’t have the heart to keep Kai by his side, so he lets Jongin’s wrist slip from his grasp and watches Jongin trudge back to his shared room with Kyungsoo, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
-means nothing if you’re not there, hangs densely in the air, and Sehun sighs, before reaching for his vibrating phone.
Is everything okay? You seemed off during practice.
- Lu Han
Sehun stares at the text and dumps his phone back into his bag, cradling his head in his hands. He’s too tired to talk about anything right now.
It only strikes to him, when he’s almost dozing off to Jongdae’s light snores, that Teleportation is possibly the most apt power for Jongin. Because Kai has the habit of walking into his life as and when he wants to.
☼
“Is something wrong,” Lu Han finally says, when they’re done ordering at their favourite cafe, his brows creased with worry.
It comes off more as a statement than a question, and Sehun shrugs, sighs a little and runs fingers through his long bangs. Lu Han’s always been able to read him like an open book.
Lu Han reaches across the table and pats Sehun’s hand lightly. The warmth is a different kind of warmth on the back of Sehun’s hand, but it brings him a little comfort nonetheless.
“Tell hyung what’s wrong,” Lu Han coos. “You’ve been distracted lately.”
Sehun swallows hard, managing a smile at the waiter who bows slightly and slides two steaming mugs of coffee to them. He takes a sip of his coffee, pouting a little when it scalds his tongue, before he glances up at Lu Han. “I miss Jongin.”
Lu Han blinks at him a few times and waves his hand in front of Sehun. “Hello, Sehun? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m the one who spends half his time oceans away.”
“I, just.” Sehun fumbles with the handle of his mug for several seconds and exhales loudly. “I don’t want to dance with Kai. I don’t want to rap with Kai’s arm around mine. I don’t want to wait nervously for our turn backstage with Kai. I just want my best friend back. I just want Jongin by my side again.”
When Lu Han stares at him, mouth agape, steaming mug of coffee hovering in the air, inches away from his lips, Sehun just shakes his head and chews on his lower lip. “It’s stupid,” he says, taking a large gulp of his coffee, ignoring the way it burns his throat slightly. “Just. Pretend that I didn’t say anything.”
“Sehun.”
Lu Han’s eyes are kind and understanding, his hand warm on Sehun’s shoulder, as he shifts into the seat next to Sehun instead. It’s silly, really, but Sehun allows his head to drop onto Lu Han’s shoulder, nonetheless, allows Lu Han to wrap arms around him quietly.
“It’s like,” Sehun starts abruptly, Lu Han’s fingers drumming a steady beat against his arm. “It’s like all he cares about is being Kai. I mean, sometimes he feels like Jongin, but sometimes it’s like he slips back into that Kai mask and I don’t even know what I did wrongly. I just.”
He blinks a couple of times, before he feels a thumb tracing the eye bags under his eyes. Lu Han simply chews on his lower lip and runs fingers wordlessly through his hair, until Sehun calms down, his chest rising and falling at an even pace.
☼
Seoul seems to change when EXO-M returns to China. The sounds become amplified and the sights blur. And everything seems a little harder when Lu Han isn’t by his side, poking his cheeks and buying him bubble tea whenever Sehun feels like he’s drowning.
So, Sehun finds himself falling into a daily routine of waking up, dancing, showering and falling into bed, in a fruitless attempt of masking his emotions. Everything seems easier to shrug off when he’s tired, people seem to become more understanding and push him less for answers.
He thinks he’s doing a good job of it until he exerts a little too much effort during solo practice and he falls to the ground, a piercing pain shooting upwards from his ankle. “Fuck,” Sehun hisses, tears burning at the corner of his eyes, as he grips his ankle.
The music fades off in the background and Jongin’s suddenly by his side, his fingers soft and comforting against Sehun’s ankle. Sehun inhales shakily and blinks away his tears, mumbling, “What are you doing here?”
Jongin opts to ignore him as he shoves Sehun’s shoulders lightly, so that Sehun is sitting down, his legs stretched out before him. “Tell me if it hurts.”
Sehun nods, his teeth tugging on his lower lip, as he watches Jongin press his fingers against his ankle, moving them in a circular motion, the warmth of Jongin’s fingers oddly comforting against the numbing pain in his ankle.
“Are you an idiot?” Jongin bursts out abruptly.
Sehun glances up and startles a little at the intensity of Jongin’s stare. Jongin sighs and continues, “Over-exerting. Injuries. That’s my forte, Sehun.”
When Sehun stays silent for a second too long, Jongin drops his hand from his ankle and waves a hand before his face. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Talk to me like how we used to during pre-debut, Sehun.”
And Jongin’s too close, breathing right into Sehun’s personal space, and Sehun wishes the room wasn’t so deafeningly silent all of a sudden. He blinks at the effort and falls back on his palms, his breath catching as Jongin follows suit, his face hovering inches away from Sehun’s, and Sehun finds himself fixated, unable to tear his eyes away from Jongin.
The temptation of kissing Jongin is insanely overpowering, and Sehun’s suddenly reminded of how warm Jongin’s lips are on his, before he hastily pushes the memory to the back of his mind.
"Can't talk to me because I'm not Lu Han?"
Sehun's eyes widen as he watches Jongin pull back, his eyes dark and unreadable. "Jongin," Sehun starts, his pulse still roaring in his ears.
"I'll get Chanyeol-hyung to get you back to the dorm. I still want to practice a little."
Sehun tries to get to his feet, reaching out uselessly for Jongin's hoodie, before he stumbles a little and he lets out a soft gasp of pain. Jongin pauses for a second, a look of panic flashing past his eyes as he glances at Sehun.
The moment passes too fast and Jongin's eyes are filled with that cool indifference once again, Kai slipping into position steadily, as he yanks on the door handle, letting the door slam shut behind him.
It’s only when Jongin is out of sight, does Sehun curl up on his side, blink back tears, and waits for Chanyeol to come and find him.
☼
“Hey, I didn’t know Jongin can dance like that.”
Baekhyun’s pointing at a point behind Sehun’s head, rolling a strawberry lollipop around his mouth lazily. Sehun chews on his lower lip and inhales deeply. Jongin hasn’t spoken to him ever since he hurt his ankle, opting to exit the room wordlessly whenever Sehun walks into it.
So, he hesitates for a moment, before curiousity overwhelms him and he whirls around on his heel, eyes bright. His world promptly falls silent, the people around him blurring, as his eyes trace Jongin’s movement.
Jongin’s leaning close to Taemin, a hand resting on Taemin’s shoulder as he does a lazy body wave, his body flush against Taemin’s side as he moves. Taemin simply laughs in return, his hands falling easily to Jongin’s waist as he pulls Jongin into a half-hug and giggles into his hair.
It doesn’t last for more than a few seconds, but even when Taemin pulls away and ruffles Jongin’s hair, the only image flashing before Sehun’s eyes is the look on Jongin’s face the whole time. The genuinity of the smile that used to belong only to Sehun.
Sehun chews hard on his lower lip, the taste of metal burning at the back of his throat, mixed with the overwhelming taste of salt as he watches Taemin prance away, blinking furiously.
“Sehun.”
Lu Han’s arm around him is comforting, almost knowing, and he lets Lu Han pulls him away just as he locks eyes with Jongin. The look in his eyes is too cold, like he’s challenging Sehun to say something, and Sehun doesn’t think he’s ready to deal with that yet.
Jongin’s not his, has never been his, and will probably never be his.
Maybe, this was just the slap in the face he needed all along.
☼
“Can you just talk to him. You two look both look like kicked puppies, for Christ’s sake.”
Yixing doesn’t even bother looking up as he fluffs his pillow and falls face-first into it. Lu Han shoots him a glare and throws a dirty shirt at Yixing, before turning his attention to a sulking Sehun on the ground.
“Yixing’s right though,” Lu Han starts, as he settles down on the ground next to Sehun. “You should talk to Jongin. About what this-” he does a vague gesture with his hand and flaps around a little, “is exactly. I can’t even define your relationship.”
“He’s my best friend, there’s nothing to talk about,” Sehun grumbles, pulling his legs close to his chest, his eyes downcast.
The arm around him has never felt more comforting, as Sehun drops his head onto Lu Han’s shoulder and allows Lu Han to pull him into his embrace, his hands warm against Sehun’s back. He feels Lu Han sigh a little into his hair, but hears nothing apart from the occasional light snores from Yixing.
He knows he’s being terribly childish, but, Sehun would rather live in the feeling of the unknown than have his heart ripped out of his chest by rejection.
Sehun falls asleep that night, curled up against Lu Han’s body, and he dreams. He dreams of the stars and the sky and a boy with bright smiles and sparkling eyes, who loves Sehun as much as Sehun loves him.
And Sehun thinks, that perhaps, he is happy in that dream.
☼
Kris is a lot less patient and understanding than Lu Han, with the responsibilities and pressure of being the leader weighing down heavily on his shoulders. So, Sehun finds himself cornered as their boarding passes are handed out by Kris’s heavy stare and the downturn of his lips.
“Whatever deal you have with Jongin,” Kris starts, as he flips through the stack of boarding passes, “Fix it before we take off, or that will be a hell of a long flight for you, Sehun.”
Sehun’s eyes flicker to the boarding pass in Jongin’s hand momentarily and inhales deeply. 34B.
He doesn’t have to look at his pass to know where he’s sitting. Kris fixes him with a stare before he breaks into a small smile and ruffles his hair. “It’ll be fine, stop worrying.”
Sehun manages a smile and waits for Kris to turn away before he turns and fixes Zitao with the world’s sweetest smile. Zitao screams something in Mandarin and flaps off, latching on to Minseok’s arm sadly. Sehun tries not to roll his eyes. Trust Zitao to pretend that he’s incapable of understanding Korean at the most crucial times.
When Sehun finally inhales deeply and glances up, Jongin’s staring at his phone, oblivious to his surroundings. The sounds around them blur, as Sehun watches the way Jongin’s tongue darts out to lick his lips and how his eyelashes flutter softly when he smiles and types a reply on his phone.
“Can we talk?” Sehun mouths, when Jongin glances up and locks gazes with him.
There’s a moment of hesitation, before Jongin shrugs and walks towards him, allowing Sehun’s hand to clamp down tightly on his wrist, dragging him to a less crowded area in the airport. “Sehun,” Jongin grits out, a warning, as he tugs Sehun to a halt so that Sehun’s just inches away from him. “Yifan-hyung will get worried and nag like a bitch if we wander off too far.”
The conversation probably could have begun in a thousand better ways, but Sehun finds himself spitting out with slight venom, his heart constricting painfully, “Do you like Taemin-hyung?”
A look of disbelief crosses Jongin’s face, and Sehun knows that look anywhere as Jongin rolls his eyes and snorts, with a shake of his head.
On any other occasion, it would have probably toned him down a little, just so he can avoid having to deal with a pissed Jongin. But, in the current circumstance, all it does is fuel the fire burning a hole inside him, so he grits his teeth and continues, “So the dancing back there was just fan service?”
“What’s wrong? Are you going to tell me that only you and Lu Han-hyung are entitled to fan service?” Jongin snaps, as he takes a step towards Sehun, and Sehun stands his ground with a growl.
When Sehun doesn’t answer, simply drops his eyes to stare at Jongin’s Converse instead, he feels Jongin sigh more than hear it. Jongin looks exhausted, and Sehun is too. He just wants to turn back time and stay in the moment when Jongin shines as brightly as the stars in the night sky, when all he could see was Sehun.
Jongin shakes his head and tugs his wrist out of Sehun’s grasp. And Sehun watches him. He watches Jongin slip back into the mask of Kai, watches him turn on his heel, watches him take the first step away.
Just tell him.
“I like you,” Sehun finally says, after Jongin’s fifth step.
It’s barely above a whisper, but Jongin pauses in his step nonetheless and turns around slowly, his face devoid of emotion. And Sehun takes four steps forward, so that the tip of his shoes touches Jongin’s. He inhales again, and repeats, “I like you, Kim Jongin.”
All he receives in return is a look of confusion, and Sehun turns his face away. He’d rather Jongin just shove him away and tell him to stay away than have this uncertainty hang densely in the air between them.
“Did you kiss Lu Han-hyung?”
“What?” Sehun asks, his eyes wide with surprise, before he exhales. “No. Never.”
A look of uncertainty, almost doubt, crosses Jongin’s face and Sehun chews on his lower lip, mumbling, “But I kissed you.”
“You remembered?”
Sehun’s eyes widen with surprise and he nods slowly. “I thought you forgot and -”
Except, he doesn’t get to finish his sentence, because Jongin is leaning in and kissing Sehun, and his lips are as soft and comforting as Sehun remembers. Sehun makes a small sound at the back of his throat and tugs on the sleeves of Jongin’s shirt, with a small pout, when Jongin pulls away a few seconds later. “Hey, I-”
Jongin simply leans in again and presses his lips for a second against Sehun’s, and Sehun’s brain jolts back to live long enough for him to mutter, “Fine, but you owe me lots of kissing when we’re back in the dorm.”
“Deal,” Jongin mumbles, lips moving smoothly against the expanse of Sehun’s cheek for a moment.
“Jongin! Sehun!” Lu Han calls, a short distance away, waving his hand wildly.
Jongin simply smiles and waves back, before he threads his fingers through Sehun’s and tugs him gently in Lu Han’s direction. And this time, Sehun lets him, keeping the smile on his face despite Jongdae’s teasing.
☼
Not much changes.
Sehun still gets insanely nervous before going on stage. Baekhyun still laughs at him when he trips and forgets his dance steps, even though Baekhyun is tons worse than him. Jongdae still makes snarky jokes when Sehun’s eating breakfast next to him, little red marks dotting his neck.
But then, Jongin finds Sehun’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, coupled with a small smile, and Sehun knows that everything’s well.