#3 [INFINITE, SUNGGYU/HOYA, SUNGGYU/WOOHYUN] PT 2
Part 1
There's a park a block away from the milk tea store Sunggyu works at.
On most days, Woohyun waits there after school until Sunggyu gets off work. On good days, they can be on their way to Sunggyu's in minutes, Woohyun chattering all the time about sports or songs or any of the successes or failures of the student council in instilling good reading habits among the larger populace. Woohyun, being a library assistant, deems himself an expert and Sunggyu, being a guy who works the cashier and sometimes helps with the inventory, listens to him for no reason at all except that he's Woohyun. If a little bit of honesty can be allowed, Sunggyu would admit that sometimes he does want to strangle Woohyun, but he'll follow him to the edge of the world and back, strangulation notwithstanding. Even if there wouldn't be any moment quiet between them, even if Sunggyu's patience would already be worn so thin by their thirtieth step.
On most other days, though, Sunggyu is held back longer than he officially needs to be to help out with keeping the place clean, keeping stock of inventory, or any of so many other menial things that can take only minutes each one but put them together and that's an hour lost right there. On those days, Woohyun whiles away the time by doing his homework (want has nothing to do with it; if he doesn't, his hyung would give him a stern talking-to and Sunggyu would glare at him until he's done), or listening to their line-up and singing along in his head (until Myungsoo updates them again without telling him), or trying to remember how his prank war with Sungyeol started in the first place (it's just a fact of life by now; they do it because they're Woohyun and Sungyeol).
Today is different.
Today, as Woohyun makes his way to the aged bench he's claimed as his own, he sees Sunggyu waiting for him with a completely bored look in the narrow slit of his eyes and a tiny quirk at the very corner of his lips. Anyone else would be giving a full-blown grin, but not Sunggyu: he can’t ever show that he's pleased. Not to Woohyun.
"You know," Woohyun says with a sigh as he stands right in front of the person he's made it a point to wake up to almost every day, "anybody else would greet me with a smile. Like a real, actual smile. One that I'd think about for days and make me feel all tingly inside? Can't I have someone like that for once?"
He's looking at the infinity symbol dangling loosely from a string of leather around Sunggyu's neck. The two years between then and now doesn't muddle his memory at all. He remembers buying it from a street vendor and tying it around Sunggyu's neck right before one of Sunggyu's shows. Sunggyu had stared at the symbol, had looked into Woohyun's eyes and hadn't said a thing. But then he'd smiled, and he'd looked only at Woohyun through all his songs.
The next day, when Sunggyu came home from the shop and Woohyun was knee-deep in homework, Sunggyu had grabbed Woohyun's hand and wordlessly tied a bracelet of braided leather around Woohyun's wrist, this gift bearing the exact same symbol that Sunggyu was wearing proudly. Woohyun didn't get much homework done that night, and Sunggyu didn't get much rest.
But now, Sunggyu doesn't break eye contact when he pulls a paper bag from his backpack. Even in the open air Woohyun can smell the spicy barbeque sauce. "Unfortunately, all you have is me. I hope I'm worth something, at least."
"I guess I can make do," Woohyun quickly amends.
They don't kiss. Not in public. Not even if Woohyun wants to bury his hands in Sunggyu's hair and make out with him like this, tired and reeking too sweet and almost completely unemotional. Because getting food from Woohyun's favorite restaurant and being at the park earlier than Woohyun means Sunggyu had to work twice as hard before he left so that the store manager would agree to let him go early. And it means working extra hours tomorrow (maybe even for the rest of the week) because Sunggyu is on a very tight budget, what with the flat and school and the band and everything that comes in between.
And all of that? He'll do it all, and so much more, for Woohyun.
They don't talk about it. It's a fact of life. You could always trust Sunggyu to be Sunggyu, this stoic, perpetually unimpressed person he sits beside now. "What's the occasion?" Woohyun asks but means Thank you. For everything.
And Sunggyu says, "I was bored," but means I'm happy that I have you in my life.
"I could have fed you at home, you know." I don't deserve you. You deserve so much more.
"Shut up and eat," and means Shut up and eat.
And Woohyun does.
Woohyun is almost never silent. He has too many words and he's mastering how to use them. He loves speaking to people. He loves constant communication and trading ideas and affirming that yes, he exists, other people listen to him. But whenever he runs out of words, he always runs to Sunggyu and no one else. And Sunggyu is always there, always standing, always able to shoulder Woohyun's stresses and fears and soothe them until they don't overshadow the hope for a better day.
There's a lady with a red paper bag standing by the pond tearing pieces of bread apart and tossing to the ducks around her feet. For a moment Woohyun wonders if she's watching them, but he blinks and she's laughing as a mallard gnaws at her ankles.
"Your dancing is getting really good."
"You've never actually seen me dance."
"I watch you when you cook sometimes," Sunggyu admits delicately as he chews on some meat. "I see those things you do with your arms. And one time I caught you doing the moonwalk from the fridge to the stove. Not that it's a long walk, but you looked decent doing it."
Not many things can make Woohyun blush, but this is one of them. "I'm learning from someone. He's pretty good, actually."
"You don't seem so friendly with Howon, though. You've never invited him over."
"I have," Woohyun corrects him. You just weren't around. I kind of made sure of that. He takes a swig from their bottle of iced tea. "Not that it matters. Don't you see enough of him during your shows?"
"That isn't the point," says Sunggyu. "He opened his home to you so you could learn how to dance. But it feels like you're just teaching him how to sing in a studio. See the imbalance?"
"It's a trading of skills, not a baring of souls, hyung," Woohyun insists slightly defensively. "And what do you mean 'his home'? It's just some studio he-" Pause.
Sunggyu nods at him, like he knows exactly what Woohyun is thinking of. "Some people aren't as fortunate as others."
Home is where you can play Justin Bieber and not worry about being judged. Such casual words. "I didn't know he meant it literally."
"I didn't really know either," Sunggyu says, grinning this time now that he's sure he isn't the last person to figure it out. "I mean, he joked about it a few times when he hung out with the band, but I didn't piece it together until I saw the studio. It looks... lived in. To say the least."
Woohyun gapes at him, never mind that the goldfish look doesn't look flattering at all. "How can you-- I've been going there three times a week for the past month and I had no idea. But you were there for only a minute and you figured it out?"
"Call it an instinct." Sunggyu sniffs. "We people who keep our own homes? We recognize the signs."
~*~
sender: power vocals guy
I think it's time we take your singing lessons to a whole new level (4:38 p.m.)
sender: Lee Howon
Brng it on (5:01 p.m.)
Wait (5:01 p.m.)
Wat r u tlkn abt (5:01 p.m.)
sender: power vocals guy
I'm saying you better be free tonight, assface (5:02 p.m.)
Meet me in Hongdae. 6pm (5:03 p.m.)
Don't get too worked up, you'll be taking it easy but be ready to have your mind blown(5:03 p.m.)
sender: Lee Howon
WHAT (5:03 p.m.)
M I REDY 4 THS (5:04 p.m.)
U knw wat. Fyn. M gna rap n we'l c hus mind gts blwn (5:10 p.m.)
sender: power vocals guy
Wait. YOU CAN RAP? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EXPLAIN THIS RIGHT NOW (5:11 p.m.)
sender: Lee Howon
T ws fun wtchn u mke a ful of urslf (5:13 p.m.)
~*~
"It's not enough that we practice singing in private," Woohyun is saying a few hours later. "You told me that dancing and performing are completely different things, right? Well, singing also works that way. Now watch. And learn."
Thursday night finds Woohyun and Myungsoo at an outdoor table at a quiet little coffee shop with mismatched cups and chairs and walls painted the boldest colors that they can imagine. Woohyun is breathing deeply and calming his throat down while Myungsoo is giving his guitar one last wipe through before tucking it back in its carrying case. Their coffee is on the house.
"You guys were amazing up there," Howon says as he makes his way over.
Woohyun is still manic from the applause. The audience was small but they made up for it with enthusiasm. "I guess we were okay." He grins and examines his fingernails with flair while Myungsoo shoots a dirty look at him.
"You haven't known Woohyun-hyung for long, have you?" Myungsoo sniffs. "Learn this: if you're going to praise him, make sure it's over the top. Anything less than that and he'll wallow in insecurity before going to sleep."
Woohyun gapes at Myungsoo in exaggerated disbelief. "That is so not tru-youch!!" The yelp of pain is thanks to Myungsoo scrunching his nose, reaching below the table and yanking hard at a strand of hair from Woohyun's leg. Woohyun grimaces quietly and rubs the patch of skin.
"So that's how you shut him up," Howon laughs and pats Myungsoo on the back. "I like you. I think we'll be very good friends." They shake hands to Woohyun's very venomous yet wordless glare.
But Sungyeol spins a chair backward between his abnormally long legs before things escalate any further. "So I've got some news. You want the good news or the bad news first?" He'd been talking to the store manager since the last song.
"Awww, there's bad news?" Woohyun groans. Myungsoo is frowning at Sungyeol with an eyebrow raised, and Howon has that look in his eyes that most guys get around people as tall as Sungyeol, that glint of guardedness like he's shrinking back despite himself. "Why does there have to be bad news, can't we just stick to the good news?"
"You are ruining how this goes," Sungyeol nearly snaps, exasperated. "When someone says something like that, you're supposed to ask for the bad news, okay?"
"But I hate bad news-"
"What's the bad news?" Myungsoo asks to get things over with, which then incites Woohyun's affront.
"I am this close to pulling hyung privileges here-"
"Who, the shortest of us?" Sungyeol jumps in despite himself. He never could resist verbal sparring.
Myungsoo peers critically at the top of Woohyun's head, then at Howon's. He blinks and announces, "I think Howon-hyung is shorter th-"
But Woohyun cuts him off. Pointedly. "I may be shorter but I can still kick your ass. Or that sad posterior of yours where your ass should be if you had any." The message is crystal clear: Howon doesn't count.
"The bad news is that from now on," Sungyeol powers on as he holds off Woohyun's attempts to clamp a hand over his mouth, "your Tuesday and Thursday nights aren't free anymore."
Woohyun's vehemence dies down visibly. "Wait. Wait."
The other three look at each other. Woohyun doesn't say anything for a few more seconds. "How long do we have to wait?" Howon prompts.
"Wait," Woohyun repeats with an index finger raised at Howon. "That doesn't sound so bad?"
"That's why you should have let me finish-"
"Why can't you just tell us like a normal person-"
"I figured it out, though," Myungsoo informs Howon as the other two get into a debate full of hisses and name-calling. "Sungyeol isn't the type to sugarcoat real bad news. He'll just tell you upfront."
"It's really unfortunate that he's the hyung, isn't he?" Howon's knowing nod pleases Myungsoo greatly. "I don't know how Sunggyu-hyung puts up with him."
"He has his endearing qualities."
"Does he?" Howon asks before he realizes that Myungsoo didn't say a thing.
"I take it things went well." Sunggyu is standing right behind them with his hands in his pockets and a beanie askew on his head. "Since Woohyun isn't moping and Myungsoo is actually talking."
"It was okay," Woohyun says just as Howon breaks out into a grin and gushes "They were great!" Woohyun glares at him, but if Howon noticed he doesn't show it. Woohyun doesn't like the look on his face.
"Aren't you supposed to be rehearsing right now?" Woohyun follows up.
"One of the guys had to beg off early. There's no point in practicing if we aren't complete. The music sounds awful without the bass anyway." The way Sunggyu shrugs is perfectly nonchalant, but it's the exactness that tips Woohyun off: Sunggyu wanted to be around to celebrate. "So I was thinking maybe we could just go somewhere?"
Myungsoo frowns as he packs his guitar into its case. "Yeol and I are hungry. So please say we're going out for dinner."
"Isn't it cute how Sungyeol doesn't actually have a say in anything?" Woohyun observes, and Sungyeol lunges at him.
~*~
They don't actually go out for dinner.
They end up cramming themselves in Sunggyu's apartment after a brief reality check that, yes, they're all still students, and though they're more independent than most that also means they have to allocate their limited resources more responsibly than they'd like.
They end up splitting into two: Woohyun volunteers to tidy up the flat, Myungsoo has pictures to edit and it goes without saying that Sungyeol has to be around to offer critiques because he's the only one Myungsoo listens to. Howon and Sunggyu agree to stop by the grocery store down the corner and get creative with the communal budget.
Woohyun doesn't anxiously watch their backs as they turn the corner.
He tries to quiet the voices inside his head by touching the symbol on his leather bracelet. Sunggyu hasn't promised him forever - in fact, the only thing Sunggyu ever promised to him was that he'll do his best not to go crazy.
All this is idle wondering. No wonder Sunggyu always advised looking for something to do with his hands.
Woohyun tosses the left-overs into a pot and tries to figure out how to make it taste fresh again. A little bit of love and a whole lot of chili sauce can fix almost everything.
The flat is really too small to have any form of privacy; the only thing separating the kitchen from the living room is a stretch of imagination. "Hey, this is a good shot," Myungsoo says from the couch where he's hunched over his laptop. "I didn't know you had it in you, Yeolie."
"I've been living with you for years. It's only natural that I pick up some skills."
Sungyeol had once said that home is where he could accept that he's a failure at some things but feel indispensable at others. Woohyun has never figured out why he doesn't just say 'Home is Myungsoo'.
"By osmosis, you mean?" Woohyun hoots at them. If he does end up making the 'casserole' too spicy, it's only because he loves them enough to spare them from the awkward flavor.
Myungsoo's legs are on Sungyeol's lap. It really shouldn't be enough to pin Sungyeol down, but then Myungsoo is a lot stronger than he looks. Sungyeol's struggles to get to his feet don't go anywhere. "Please come over here so I can strangle you."
If later tonight Woohyun adds too much spice to Sungyeol's bowl, it's only because Woohyun is just too fond of him.
"No, seriously hyung, come look at this." Myungsoo twirls the laptop so Woohyun can see it. "You could use this as a profile shot or something."
It's a picture of Woohyun from earlier tonight. He's on stage and he's belting into the microphone and the light catches his features just right to contour the edges of his face into something sharper, fiercer, more mature.
But the moment of narcissism is short-lived. Woohyun finds his eyes drawn to the customer (audience?) at the corner of the photo. A lady in a red tank top and a sprig of pink flowers plaited neatly into her hair. She has a coffee cup raised daintily to her lips as she watches Woohyun with a very familiar expression on her face. It's the same look Woohyun saw on Howon when Sunggyu checked up on them unannounced during their first dance lesson. And earlier tonight, when Sunggyu snuck up on them and Howon was opening up to their little band of misfits.
Hunger. Intense desire. Yearning.
And now that his brain is gathering momentum-
-she nodded at him as he left the auditorium-
-an earlier photo where she's looking at a teacup-
-she was watching them at the park, Woohyun didn't imagine it-
"Hey, Myungsoo. Who's this?"
Myungsoo squints at the screen. "Who? That... girl at the corner? I don't know. Just someone, I guess? Does she matter?"
"Don't you have another picture of her? The dildo pic?"
"So you agree with me!" crows Sungyeol.
Myungsoo flushes red and glares at Woohyun. "Hyung, I told you, it's an African artifact of fertility, don't listen to-"
Woohyun glances over his shoulder before he masters the impulse and chides himself. They're not in public. They're in Sunggyu's flat. Sunggyu's flat is safe. There's no one else here.
He's not being followed. Right. Right. He's not being watched. Not here. They're waiting for Sunggyu and Howon to come back with food so Woohyun can cook- why aren't they here already anyway? What was taking them so long?
Why does the flat feel so small all of a sudden?
"Hyung, not that I'm actually concerned about you or anything," though Sungyeol does seem worried as he pushes Myungsoo's legs aside, "but you look... kind of pale. Should I get you-"
"I'm fine," Woohyun snaps. Sungyeol raises his hands to placate him and sits back down slowly. Woohyun forces himself to breathe in, breathe deep. Calm down. Don't make a big deal of this. "I just... need some air, okay?"
Now even Myungsoo looks concerned. That never happens. "Sure. We'll just be here, hyung."
Woohyun doesn't realize how bad an idea it is until he's already out the door and heading down the stairs.
They don't notice him. They're clearly preoccupied, what with Howon's hand gently touching Sunggyu's cheek.
~*~
sender: Lee Howon
Tnx 4 d fud. I ddnt knw u cud cook. Y r u gr8 at evrytng? ( 11:43 p.m.)
Oditns on satrdy, ait? Prctis wel r I'm kickn ur ass. (11:57 p.m.)
Powr vcals-hyung? (12:03 a.m.)
Woohyun...? (12:08 a.m.)
Woohyun locks his phone and buries his head under the pillow. He can shut away the sound of Sunggyu's wheezy breathing, but the voices in his head telling him he's not enough are there to stay.
"Is this it? Is this the last one?" Howon asks enthusiastically. There's a roll of packaging tape around his wrist and he's wiping sweat and dust off his face using an even sweatier and dustier hand towel. In another life it's still possible to imagine the loose shirt he's wearing as having been white once upon a time. Sunggyu probably shouldn't find him so hot right now. "Are we actually ready to move out? Is this the real life?"
They've been packing for days and they still find it hard to believe that they have so much stuff, and then even harder that this flat - this tiny, cramped thing that Sunggyu has been calling home for years - was able to hold it all in. "Did I actually have the money to buy all these things? Did I actually have the space?" Sunggyu wonders, surveying all the boxes that Howon generously labeled as 'stuff', 'more stuff', 'arts and stuff', and other variations of the theme. Howon has a lot of imagination. "Man. I must have been a packrat in my previous life."
Howon snorts indiscreetly. "What do you mean 'previous life'?"
Sunggyu glares at him. And when Sunggyu expresses any emotion through his eyes, Howon has to fight hard to keep himself from breaking out in laughter. "Was that a joke on my face? It sounds like a joke on my face."
Howon stalks towards Sunggyu and snakes his arm around Sunggyu's waist. "I'm just saying," he explains as he leans in, "that you kind of tend to hoard things. Haven't you noticed?"
"You're sweaty and you stink."
"I smell like a man."
"A man who doesn't bathe." Sunggyu scrunches his nose, then leans in and pecks Howon on the lips. "Don't distract me, we have to finish packing."
"I thought we already did." But Howon lets go and looks around them. Everything is in boxes. The whole flat smells like dust and cardboard. "Sungjong should be here in an hour to help us move."
Sunggyu squints at him in disbelief. "Sungjongie? He's the friend who's going to help us? Howon-ah, his arms are thinner than mine!"
"He'll be bringing some friends along, don't worry about it. And his dad's pickup truck."
Howon starts piling the boxes near the door. Some bedroom stuff. Books and stuff. Other bedroom stuff. Stuff that needs careful handling. "Is this really all?" he hears Sunggyu mutter faintly.
"Huh?" Sunggyu is standing in the alcove that used to be the kitchen, staring at the wall where there had once been a stove. There's that look on his face again, the one that makes him look so small and scared. Not the Sunggyu that Howon knows, the person who commands the stage the moment there's a microphone in his hands.
For Sunggyu, as Howon figured out over the years, home is where he doesn't have to act like he's invincible.
"What do you mean?" Howon follows up when Sunggyu doesn't answer.
"I just... I can't stop thinking that there should be more." He turns and their eyes meet, and suddenly Sunggyu's eyes widen in surprise. Like he's expecting someone else to be standing there, but it's Howon instead and Sunggyu throws all his defenses up.
Howon keeps himself completely still. It's been happening less and less frequently, and Sunggyu has more control of himself now.
It takes a second for Sunggyu to relax and lower his guard again. Like he remembering belatedly that, oh yeah, Howon lives here now. And they're packing. And moving soon. The walls around Sunggyu go slowly down and Sunggyu grins embarrassed at him. "Sorry, I... don't know what I was thinking."
"You think too much," Howon teases. He takes Sunggyu's hand and presses a marker to his palm. "Go label the other boxes. Do something. It's just jitters, okay? You've lived here for so long and you can't believe you're actually going to leave and you don't know if the new place is going to work." Howon taps a finger against the tip of Sunggyu's nose. "It happens to everyone. I felt that way when I left Busan."
There's a tiny smile quirking at the corners of Sunggyu's lips. "That's completely different."
"Oh yeah? I don't know, it feels exactly the same."
They continue in companionable silence, Howon pushing boxes around so they can pile them easier on the truck and Sunggyu keeping himself occupied because he doesn't like it when Howon worries about him. Heck, he doesn't even like himself when he's like this, so full of manic energy and he has no idea where it all comes from.
By the time Sungjong and his friends arrive, Sunggyu has covered one of the boxes in scribbles of infinity and he doesn't know why.
They meet again, even if they don't tell each other anything. It isn't a surprise at this point.
"Hey. 914."
Woohyun doesn't look up. He'd know that voice anywhere. He'd know this rage anywhere.
"What's wrong?" Howon sits beside him and leans an elbow against his knee. "Nerves acting up again? Come on, you can dance great now. Well, better than you used to anyway but at least it's something."
"Stay away from me."
"Hyung, what the-"
"Stay away from me," Woohyun growls. He raises his head and looks Howon straight in the eyes. Howon doesn't flinch, but he sits back and his shoulders tense and all the nervous friendliness on his face disappears without a trace. "Stay away from us," Woohyun continues quietly. "Don't make me have to hurt you."
Howon nods slowly, understands easily. "This is about me liking Sunggyu?"
"Like you fucking have to ask-"
"Talk to Sunggyu-hyung," Howon interrupts him. He stands up and makes to leave, but before he takes his first step he turns back and says over his shoulder, "You're very lucky to have him. I'm sorry. And. Thank you. For all the help."
Woohyun watches the back of Howon's head until he's lost in the crowd.
~*~
He can't even sing properly, not with all this tension.
Woohyun doesn't need the judges to say anything. He hands back his audition number and shows himself out.
~*~
He's supposed to wait for Sunggyu at the park. He doesn't expect someone else to be waiting for him instead.
There's a lady in red sunglasses sitting on his bench. Woohyun refrains from pointing out that the sun is setting, that it's going to be dark soon.
There is this feeling of being in the right place at the right time. Woohyun had trusted it once, when he sat behind the library counter and catalogued the books Sunggyu was checking out. A first meeting of sorts.
"You've been watching me," Woohyun says as he sits beside her.
"Yes," she answers. Her voice is low. Sultry. Refined.
"Who are you?"
The lady raises her graceful hands and takes of her sunglasses.
Woohyun draws back slowly, his instinct to freak out and run to Sunggyu and cower in his safety stifled by some unknown reassurance that if he goes to Sunggyu, it would all be over. It doesn't make sense, but-
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Woohyun is sitting beside a woman who has no eyes.
Or more aptly, instead of eyes Woohyun finds himself staring into the black of night so deep and pure that that he, raised in the light pollution of Seoul, wonders if she's even seen the sun. There are stars in her eyes, entire constellations that he's never seen in this vivid detail before, unclouded and not outshone.
"I," she says, "am the million to one chance." She closes her hands. There is no flash, no sparkle, no outward display that anything changed, but when she opens them again her right hand has a symbol of infinity sown into a bracelet and her left has the same symbol tied to a length of leather string.
Woohyun can recognize those things anywhere. His hand flies to his wrist and feels the reassuring coarseness of old leather and the cooler metal tied to it. But there is no room for relief just yet. Not when she's involving Sunggyu in this. "I thought you've only been stalking me."
"There is so much more to this than just you and dear Sunggyu. You two are merely points in a very complicated, very interesting line. There is infinity before and infinity after, but for now... let's say that I am concerned only with you."
"What-"
"Woohyun, have you ever wondered about the statistics behind the concept of soulmates? Consider this: there are seven billion people alive in the world at this very moment, which is barely a tenth of the number of people who have ever lived. A hundred billion souls since the beginning of your species! What do you think are the odds that you and your soulmate would be born in the same era, much less within an acceptable range of years that would allow for a bonding of souls to happen? What are the odds that two souls from this seething heap of humanity would be born so close to each other that they can meet in a context that will give them the right choices?
"Well. I am those odds. I am the million to one chance."
Woohyun's brain is screaming at his body to stand up and get away now, this crazy woman doesn't have to take their time, he can run to Sunggyu's shop and explain that they're being stalked and they can just meet up somewhere else... but it's like his body has been hijacked and the commands from his brain are getting lost along the way. His body isn't moving no matter how hard his fight or flee instinct (flee, definitely flee) is going haywire. "I don't believe in cheesy shit," he says, and it's the only thing he can do.
"I am here to help," she answers. "Do you want to live the rest of your life feeling that you don't deserve him? Kim Sunggyu is destined for great happiness. To you and many others, Kim Sunggyu is already so much further along the development of his potential. He needs someone who will not be paralyzed with jealousy at his every success. He needs someone who doesn't constantly worry if they deserve each other. Are you that person, Nam Woohyun? Can you say that much?"
Woohyun's thoughts freeze at that.
She twirls the necklace emblem around her fingers. "I am offering you the chance to make things right. I am giving you the opportunity to... develop yourself. To live a life apart from Kim Sunggyu, and to find him again when you have finally become someone he will be proud to love. The two of you beat the odds once before. And odds, beaten once, can be beaten again; love, once found, is never lost."
The lady brings her hands together. When she pulls them back, there is a sprig of tiny pink flowers held delicately in her fingers. "This is Lethe's bramble. This is my gift to those who, for all their reasons, need to start again." She places it in Woohyun's numb hands-
"Yah! Nam Woohyun!"
Woohyun jerks awake to Sunggyu's face inches from his own, Sunggyu shaking his shoulders hard. "Hyung," he stammers, standing up quickly.
"Honestly, if you're this tired, you could have just gone home." Sunggyu doesn't nag much anymore, but when he does it's always whenever Woohyun is keeping himself second class.
Woohyun wants to tell him that it's fine, it's just a rough day, and he's nowhere near as tired as Sunggyu is. But he looks at Sunggyu and remembers Howon's hand touching his cheek. Remembers Sunggyu looking surprised but not bothered at the contact. Remembers Sunggyu not saying a thing about it while they cooked, while they ate and drank and joked about Sungyeol and Myungsoo's inevitable wedding, while they cleaned up after the others left. While Woohyun stared at the dark completely unable to sleep, waiting for Sunggyu to say something until their alarm blared and it's time to make breakfast.
"Come on, hyung," he just says instead and starts walking. "I have to cook dinner." Sunggyu looks like he has more to say, but he blinks, wrong-footed, and just follows.
They're three steps outside the park when Woohyun realizes that there's a sprig of pink flowers caught in the leather braids of his bracelet.
Life as a back-up dancer isn't exactly what Howon wants but he can admit that it has some perks. No cramped dorms for one thing. No crazed fans following him around. The pay could be better and he doesn't have admirers to give him gifts to make up for it, but in the end he gets to drop by Sunggyu's for dinner almost every night and that pretty much seals the deal.
He slams the front door open and yells, "Hands up! I've got ramyun and I'm not afraid to use it!" He doesn't get a reaction.
Sunggyu is studying in the kitchen, his earphones on and the music is playing loud enough for even Howon to hear. He's supposedly buried in a pile of sound theory textbooks laid open on every available surface, but Howon knows that right now Sunggyu is reading the inside of his own head.
He reaches over and pulls the earphones off from behind, and Sunggyu jerks around in surprise. "You'll go deaf too early if you continue listening to music this loud," Howon scolds him patiently. They've had this conversation often enough.
"Sorry, I was just," but whatever Sunggyu was just he doesn't say, ends the sentence with a loud sigh and a passive shrug.
"I brought dinner." That isn't a surprise, either. Sunggyu almost never remembers to eat. Howon always comes over to make sure he does. He pulls bowls and chopsticks from the kitchen cabinet, pushes a few of Sunggyu's books aside to make room on the table and serves the ramyun and pickled radishes. "Come on, hyung. Let's eat before this gets cold."
"I can take care of myself, you know," Sunggyu admonishes him, and this too they've talked about so many times.
"I know, hyung. I just want to make sure you can continue taking care of yourself." A short pause while Howon grabs a couple of water bottles from the fridge. Any second now Sunggyu would say something about paying Howon back for all these meals someday, something-
"Do you ever feel like there's a great big hole in the stuff you can remember?" Sunggyu asks quietly.
-definitely not like that.
This isn't part of their careful script. Howon feels justified in blinking owlishly at Sunggyu, like he hasn't spent every waking hour trying to memorize everything there was to know about the guy. "What brings this about?"
"I don't know," Sunggyu says, bowing his head and burying his fingers in his hair. Howon's been trying to get him to cut it short again, but Sunggyu insists that he feels like a change. "There's this voice in my head. I'm trying to remember whose it is but... it's like some old TV and the audio is perfect but the video static is too bad to make anything out."
"What's it saying?" Howon asks, feeling slightly foolish. "That... voice in your head."
"Something about-" Sunggyu looks lost, like it never crossed his mind to listen to the words in the first place, like the voice is what's important "-how the future is very bright. I think? I'm not sure. And a one in a million chance?"
"Are you... sure you're not thinking about the lottery?"
Sunggyu narrows his eyes at him and for a moment he looks like he wants to strangle Howon, but the next moment his face turns from irritated to amused hamster trying not to laugh. But he grabs one of his textbooks and throws it at Howon, who catches it at the last instant with affront written all over his face. "Sunggyu-sshi, may I remind you that we are in the kitchen and there is food on the table? This is not the time to be horsing around!"
"I was having a moment! Why are you so irreverent?" Sunggyu grabs another book and makes to throw it, and Howon hides behind the one he already has in his hands.
Howon sneaks around the table, holding the book between them like it's the key to non-violence, until he's right behind Sunggyu. "Isn't that why you like me so much? Admit it." He peeks above the book and sees Sunggyu watching him with amusement in those beady eyes.
"Yeah. I guess. I mean, there has to be a reason I keep letting you in here," Sunggyu admits, setting his impromptu projectile down. "I just have these weird moments sometimes. Like. I feel there should be someone else living here. But then I remember that I've always lived here alone. And it's not like the place is spacy-heck it's barely even big enough for me. But. I don't know. It feels like there's space for one more. Space for someone else who can stand..."
"A lack of privacy?" Howon asks.
"Well, that. And me." Sunggyu laughs. Carefully self-conscious and sudden enough that it almost throws Howon off the trail, away from the baring of weakness just seconds before. "I can be a handful. I don't know if anyone has ever found out, though. I can be hell to live with."
"Are you..." Howon raises an eyebrow. He can't believe where this is going. "... asking me to move in with you?"
"The place is kind of small," Sunggyu repeats quickly. "You've seen it. We'll have to share a room but I already have an extra bed so that part works out. And I tend to have nightmares, okay? And there's no space for you to dance-"
Howon cuts him off by pressing a finger against Sunggyu's lips. They could be baring souls or they could be looking at new beginnings and it wouldn't matter; he can always trust Sunggyu to be Sunggyu. "I'd love to live with you, hyung. Despite the lack of space. Or the nightmares."
"Maybe until we can afford somewhere bigger."
"Like an actual apartment? And maybe we can turn a bedroom into a studio? Since we'll be so used to rooming together by then anyway."
"Or maybe a house. With a basement. But that's so far into the future. With a front lawn, even."
"Where we can have parties! And I'd love to have a dog."
Sunggyu smiles at him. At them. At the image of Howon with a husky in his arms. At the thought that Howon has already seen him when he was delirious with the flu, and he's still here so maybe he'll still be around when Sunggyu gets really sick again and needs somebody to look after him. At this moment when he's learning that maybe baring who he is isn't so bad, weaknesses and all, if the one looking at him is someone he can trust.
Howon, Sunggyu thinks, is so handsome when he's happy. Like right now. Maybe forever. Maybe Sunggyu could even be part of it.
Well. That would be nice.
The first time they met, Woohyun had been two sessions into a pilates course when Sunggyu walked into the library smelling of burnt sugar and assorted mochi. Woohyun raised an eyebrow to distract himself from the sudden rumbling of his stomach. He was feeling the first signs of sugar withdrawal - heck, junk food withdrawal and he was ready to gnaw on the first thing the smelled even remotely unhealthy.
Thinking back on it, he supposed it might have been a sign. Or his brain may have been reeling at the lack of fuel and fixated on the first locatable source in days, even if it was this upperclassman in tragic animal-print clothes and jeans that had seen better days.
"No food or drink in the library, please," Woohyun said with an almost perfect librarian's frown.
"I don't have any on me," Sunggyu replied with narrowed eyes. Woohyun wasn't sure how he could tell - call it a hunch.
Woohyun had looked him up and down then, his eyes carefully searching for suspicious lumps along Sunggyu's clothes that could be contraband in hiding. Nobody ever claimed to bring anything in, but that can't be true because Woohyun always finds candy wrappers in the trash when he's closing the building.
"I'll be watching you," Woohyun had said sharply.
"If you say so." Sunggyu's answering nod was very carefully stoic.
That had been followed by Sunggyu borrowing one book a day, and Woohyun had tried to figure out which classes this mysterious Kim Sunggyu was taking, but the book choices were too random and sometimes too useless. Once, when Sunggyu was distracted by a classmate, Woohyun snuck a coupon for some free jasmine milk tea from the local student combine into the front page of How to Achieve Transcendence in an Amphibian Literary Environment. Randomness: Sample D.
When returned a week later, the coupon was still there.
So he didn't read the books, Woohyun thought. Or maybe he just didn't like milk tea?
Which was followed by Why am I even paying attention?
It definitely wasn't for his good looks ("Hamster-nim", Sungyeol had called him, which was three degrees of respect higher than Myungsoo's "Whatshisface", and for a moment Woohyun felt prouder than ever of his choice of friends).
Maybe it was with how Sunggyu carried himself with a form of quiet dignity that had nothing to do with his fascinating preference for animal-print anything. Maybe it was how Sunggyu seemed tired all the time, but fine, whatever, he still carried on like being tired was beneath him. Woohyun, rejected thrice from his idol dreams and working hard not to drown in his inadequacy, had found Sunggyu's self-assurance endearing. It might be nice, Woohyun had thought, to learn a thing or two.
The circumstance that changed I want to be like him to I want to like him was when - in a moment filled with telling himself that he wasn't technically stalking Sunggyu - he pulled up the call numbers of all the books Sunggyu recently borrowed and realized that the first digits spelled out a phone number clear as day.
sender: (unknown number)
I'm on to you. -A Somewhat Intrigued Librarian (3:20 p.m.)
sender: Kim Sunggyu
Took you long enough, Mr. Librarian. (3:23 p.m.)
sender: An Intrigued Librarian
I told you I'd be watching (3:24 p.m.)
Sender: Kim Sunggyu
I was counting on it. (3:24 p.m.)
After a week of messages that steadily grew more personal, Sunggyu gave him an address in Hongdae without any explanation and Woohyun had gone anyway, dragging Myungsoo and Sungyeol with him. What they found was a small gathering of kids around their age screeching along to a rock song lead by none other than- "Hey, isn't that Hamster-nim?" Sungyeol observed right before Woohyun jabbed an elbow to his stomach. Myungsoo just quietly snapped a picture.
They went out for dinner after the show. And in between Sunggyu telling customer horror stories from the milk tea shop ("So that's why you didn't take the coupon," Woohyun exclaimed proudly) and humoring Sungyeol on the finer points of the decline of entertainment ("Before you satisfy the audience, you have to satisfy the executives," Sungyeol had scoffed), Woohyun realized that I want to like him had somehow turned into I want him.
And on their way back to their homes, at the corner where Sunggyu had to turn right and they had to turn left, Sunggyu had said, "It's not that I don't like books," and Woohyun wondered why Sunggyu brought up something so random just before saying goodnight, "but I'm kind of getting tired of hanging out in the library just to see you."
"I really don't think you have time for anyone at all," Woohyun pointed out.
"Don't worry about that, I'll take care of it," Sunggyu answered breezily. And he had.
A week later, Sungyeol was already sick of Woohyun talking about nobody else all the time while Myungsoo endured it all with a quiet, knowing smile.
A month after that, Sunggyu was no longer living alone.
~*~
"Are you sleeping over at your hyung's?" Sunggyu's voice is tinny coming from Woohyun's phone.
"No."
"Are you sleeping over at Sungyeol's?"
"Technically it's Myungsoo's since it's his name on the lease. And no."
"Then why aren't you home?"
"You can't really afford to waste cellphone minutes on non-emergencies, hyung. I'll be there."
"I'll wait for you."
"It's late and you're tired. Go to sleep, Sunggyu."
"No. I'll wait for you."
~*~
The funny thing about Sunggyu is that he never asks about where Woohyun is or who he's with. It's like he's so completely, absolutely sure that those details are peripheral. They are WooGyu (as Sungyeol branded them during a night of too much soju) and that's all he needs to know.
One hour of sitting on his bench at the park all alone at night is enough for Woohyun to realize three things: that displays of confidence do not always mean strength, that Sunggyu has never been anyone less than Sunggyu whenever they're together, and that Woohyun really does not know how to handle pity.
It takes less than a minute for his mind to jump to another conclusion: Howon gets things done while Woohyun just waits for opportunities.
It takes less than a second for one final thought to crystalize from everything else: compatibility does not necessarily mean mutual growth.
He arrives at the flat to Sunggyu passed out on the couch with his guitar still in his arms. He sighs, carefully puts the guitar away, and curls up on the couch with his head on Sunggyu's lap.
He wakes up in his bed and thinks, "What am I going to do with you?"
The door to Sunggyu's flat opens at the lightest push. Howon is alarmed. Woohyun always keeps the door locked.
"Woohyun?" he calls out. Not that he needs to. The apartment is too small for anyone to get lost in. He's one step past the door and already he can see into the kitchen. The bathroom light is out. "Sunggyu-hyung? Are you guys home?"
No answer. The bedroom door is closed. It's the one place he's never been inside of, out of respect for Woohyun's and Sunggyu's privacy. But if someone has been inside and left the door unlocked... And then there was Woohyun's message from last night-what did he mean, anyway? Where was he going?
"Hyung?" Howon knocks on the bedroom door. There's a soft ruffle from inside, heavy thumps as feet hit the floor hard, and the door opens to show Sunggyu, his eyes blinking blearily. Howon catches a faint waft of stale air from inside, the unmistakable smell of ill health.
"Howon? What are you doing here?" Sunggyu croaks and that's it, Howon decides, Sunggyu has never sounded like this, ever, not even after he had to sing in the open air during last year's winter thanksgiving festival.
"I'll get you some soup, okay?" Howon says quickly, touching his wrist to Sunggyu's forehead and yup, he's burning up. "Or is Woohyun-hyung there? Something homemade would definitely be better-"
"Who?" Sunggyu opens the door the rest of the way. "Sorry, I'm just. Not feeling so great right now." He tries to step out, but either he stumbles on his feet or his knees give in, all Howon knows is that Sunggyu is suddenly pitching forward and he has to scramble to catch him. Sunggyu is too hot everywhere, his skin too sticky with dried sweat to be anything but dire.
Howon half-carries him back to his bed and gently helps him lie back down. There's a sprig of pink flowers on Sunggyu's shirt. Howon plucks it off and throws it in the trash bin beside Sunggyu's plastic dresser. That's when he notices that the bedroom looks... surprisingly barren compared to the rest of the flat. There's clutter all over the place, sure, because Sunggyu's a bit of a hoarder, but Woohyun usually has snacks and books hidden everywhere, even under the couch and it makes sense that he'll stash them here as well. But there's nothing here that could be Woohyun's, no clue that it's not just Sunggyu who lives here. But it makes sense, since Woohyun did say... "Where's Woohyun-hyung?" Howon checks the other bed. It definitely looks slept on.
"I don't know who you're talking about," Sunggyu replies in between coughs. "You should stay away, Howon. I don't want you to catch this."
"What do you mean you don't know?" Howon practically snaps then immediately feels bad. Sunggyu is very sick. It's okay for him to lose it every once in a while. He takes deep breaths and calms the building panic in his head that Sunggyu is, again, very sick. "Woohyun-hyung. The guy you've been living with for years." The guy you wouldn't trade me for.
"Are you sure you're not the one who's sick?" Sunggyu tries to sit up, but Howon gently pushes him back down. "You're rambling nonsense. I've been living alone since I got this apartment. Didn't I ask you to move in twice?"
"I..." You didn't, Howon wants to say. You've been so solidly in love with Woohyun that you never even saw me. I wanted to give you everything. But it turns out you already had it.
Now is really not the time to think these thoughts, Howon scolds himself. Sunggyu is sick. And if Woohyun isn't around to help then it's up to Howon to help him through. "Sure, sorry. I was confused. You've been living alone all this time."
Howon has only ever taken care of himself and his approach to sickness is always to just sleep it off, but that doesn't mean he hasn't hoped someone would take care of him during those days. Someone to press a cold towel against his head. Or peel off his shirt when it's slick with sweat. Or maybe just get him some soup.
Howon nods gamely. That's a start.
Although, if he doesn't remember Woohyun...
It's only when he's wiping Sunggyu's arms clean with a wet towel does he untie the leather string around Sunggyu's neck.
~*~
sender: (unknown number)
Hyung, wr r u? Sunggyu's sik n i dnt knw hw 2 mk sup ( 9:36 a.m.)
Gdi hyung i sed i ws sori oky wl u fukn ansr alrdy (9:39 a.m.)
Fyn. B dat way. (9:45 a.m.)
~*~
The door opens after his seventh knock.
Myungsoo glaring daggers at anyone is a sight to behold. "Who the fuck are you?" His hair is tussled and there are blanket marks all over his face. Howon can forgive the delayed recognition and the grumpiness for now.
"Is Woohyun here?"
Myungsoo nods slowly, suspiciously. "You'd better answer this time. Who are you? And why are you looking for Woohyun-hyung?"
"Myungsoo, don't you-" but clearly Myungsoo doesn't. Or is pretending not to know him. After a morning with Sunggyu in his delirium, Howon is a lot more open to just saying things to get what he needs. A change of approach is called for. "Woohyun is a friend from auditions. We're supposed to be practicing a dance today but he didn't show up."
Myungsoo blinks at him several times before nodding, not satisfied but definitely less suspicious. "Woohyun-hyung is sick. He really shouldn't be going anywhere right now."
"I just want to make sure he's okay," Howon insists.
"Who is it?" another voice asks from inside. Howon sees Sungyeol over Myungsoo's shoulders.
Maybe it's the plain worry on Howon's face that convinces Myungsoo, or maybe it's the assurance that there's two of them and one of him, but he steps back and lets Howon inside. One of the mattresses is splayed on the living room floor. "We had to turn one the bedroom into a quarantine zone," Sungyeol explains. "We're pretty sure it isn't contagious but it always pays to be safe."
Whereas looking at a sick Sunggyu pulled at Howon's heart, looking at a sick Woohyun scratched against his dignity. Woohyun had always taken care to show himself in the best possible light. Seeing him curled up in bed like this... it doesn't feel right. But.
"Hyung," Howon whispers. "It's me. Howon."
"Hey." Woohyun stirs weakly, moves just enough to look at him, and it's painfully obvious that he feels much worse than he looks. He's looking at Howon like maybe he should know him but the best he can do is a pained furrow of his eyebrows in his effort to remember. "Sorry, I can't-"
"We met during auditions. We were supposed to meet up for practice an hour ago," Howon tells him, all matter-of-fact. "I'm-" so why does he feel so intense all of a sudden? "-a friend of Sunggyu's."
Woohyun blinks. But there's no dawning recognition in his eyes. None of that inner life when it comes to anything about Sunggyu. "Who?"
"Just a friend." Howon's mind is moving slowly, but there's a new feeling to everything, a new lens of crystal clarity. "Just a friend."
"Oh. Hey." Woohyun rubs dry hands at his face. "Sorry I had to miss practice. I'm. Kind of..."
"No, don't worry about it." Howon stands straight. A plan is forming. "Just rest well. Get better. I'll take care of everything."
And before he leaves, Howon makes sure that Woohyun is fast asleep again when he unties the bracelet around his wrist.
~*~
The leather feels soft in his hands.
He throws them into the river, one after the other.
"Woohyun-ah."
Sunggyu is speaking in his 'I don't understand, please tell me what's wrong' voice. Hearing it, no matter the words, always leaves Woohyun so raw, so knotted up inside.
They each have their own beds crammed into the same room even though most nights they tangle themselves together on a bed that's large enough for just one. But tonight Woohyun is curled up in his own space, his back turned to Sunggyu and doing his best to pretend that he's not the one keeping Sunggyu awake. Tonight, Woohyun is holding a sprig of pink flowers in his hand. Lethe's bramble. The gift from the lady.
"You haven't looked at me, really looked at me in days," Sunggyu continues in the dark. "Are we fighting? Because I don't know. Please tell me." This is not new. Sunggyu knows Woohyun better than anyone else, but that doesn't mean Woohyun is transparent.
"Why didn't you tell me about Howon?" Woohyun whispers quietly.
"What about Howon?" Sunggyu asks, and he sounds so genuinely confused.
"I saw you the other night. You were sharing a moment. Downstairs."
"Oh."
"Just 'oh'?"
"I didn't think there was anything to say." Sunggyu shifts in his bed, fumbles in the dark, but the room is small and he's lived here for years, he knows the exact steps to Woohyun's bed even with his eyes closed. Woohyun keeps his back turned, but he moves enough to allow Sunggyu enough space to sit. "I knew Howon liked me even before you met him. The way he watches no one else on stage but me? He isn't exactly subtle. But it didn't matter."
"And the other night?" Woohyun prompts again.
"We told each other things. He told me about how he's been following me since he moved here. And that he'd do anything to be with me." Sunggyu reaches out and finds Woohyun's hair on the first try. Something else he's been doing for so long. "It wasn't a small confession."
Woohyun suspected as much. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him that... I think he's a great friend. And that I know he'll find love and happiness someday. But it won't be with me. I've already found mine. That's it."
The tension breaks. They both know it, even without either of them saying anything. Woohyun doesn't breathe differently, doesn't make room for Sunggyu on his bed, doesn't reach for Sunggyu's hand. But Sunggyu knows he's been given permission to squeeze himself into Woohyun's bed again, so he does. Sunggyu wraps an arm around Woohyun's waist and presses their bodies closer.
"And why didn't you tell me?" Woohyun asks. Because sure, maybe the bigger worry about Sunggyu and Howon doesn't turn out to be real (and wow, he doesn't realize how much tension he's been keeping because of that but suddenly breathing feels so much easier) but...
"Because he doesn't matter," Sunggyu says simply, as if Woohyun should already know this. "I mean, yeah, he's our friend now, but he doesn't have anything to do with us and he should at least have his privacy, right? Besides, I trust him. He won't do anything."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I'm me. I've never been wrong, have I?"
"You could be, for once."
"I'm not." Sunggyu says it like it's the plainest fact in the world. The Earth revolves around the sun, the moon around the Earth, the seasons change, the oceans rise and fall, Sunggyu is never wrong. "Is this what it's about? Your silent treatment?" Sunggyu teases. "Just this? Just jealousy over Howon?"
"What silent treatment?" Woohyun squawks a little too loudly. "I didn't stop talking to you-"
"Don't, okay?" Woohyun can feel Sunggyu's breath against the back of his neck. "There's nothing to be jealous about. I'm happy with you. I want you to know that."
"Are we being completely honest tonight? Because there's something else I need to get off my chest." Some things should be said face to face, even if there's no light to see each other by. Woohyun turns in his bed, holds Sunggyu's hands in his. "Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that."
"I can't help it. But. Gyu?"
"Yeah?"
"I know we can do this again. All of this? We can do it again. Even if it's a million to one chance."
"What are you talking about? Did you sneak in alcohol? Why didn't you share me some-"
"Just... I believe in us, okay? I know that even if we lose each other now, it won't matter. We'll find each other again."
"Woohyun..."
"Let's go to sleep, hyung. The future is very bright."
~*~
sender: (unknown number)
Howon-ah. I'll be going away for a while. Please look after Sunggyu. (11:55 p.m.)
And thank you. For being a friend. (11:58 p.m.)
~*~
Even in sleep, you can always trust Sunggyu to be Sunggyu. When his breathing evens, Woohyun presses the sprig of flower into Sunggyu's shirt, the tiny bristles clinging to the soft fabric right above Sunggyu's heart.
Woohyun packs his things and leaves Sunggyu's life in the middle of the night. His head is filled with dreams of becoming a better man and falling in love with him all over again.
Under the light of the stars, the lady watches him go.