The Caged Bird
He wanted out. It was too stuffy. But with his members, could he handle it?
The Caged Bird
Donghae stared out of the window, watching the snow falling softly onto the ground, painting it into a white blank canvas. He watched as the trees swayed in the winter breeze. He watched as the children ran down the street, shouting to one another. Free. That was the word to describe them. Snow falling freely on the ground. Trees swaying freely in the winter breeze. Children running down the street freely. Freedom. Something that they have. Something that he yearned for. Something that he wanted. Something that he had given up 5 years ago.
5 years ago, he was scouted out by SM Entertainment. He smiled bitterly as he remembered how he felt when he received the letter.
“Honey. There’s a mail for you. I left it on the table.” Donghae’s mother shouted from the kitchen. Donghae appeared at the top of the stairs and dragged his feet down tiredly, heaving a sigh as he went along. He had just finished his dance practice and was looking forward to having a nap. He eyed the envelope which was lying on the table. It was a soft yellow color with SM’s logo on top. SM’s logo... That could only mean one thing!
Hurriedly, he grabbed the envelope and ripped it open and scanned through it. A loud gasp was heard through out the house Mrs. Lee came running out just in time to see her son put his hand over his mouth. She threw a quick glance at the paper and squealed.
“Oh dear, you got accepted! I’m so proud of you.” She grabbed her only son in a huge bear hug. The latter could only stand in shock as the pale yellow paper fluttered to the ground. ‘Acceptance into SM Entertainment.’ Those bold words stood out against the light yellow background and stared at him in the face. He did it. He had taken the first step towards his dream of becoming a dancer. His father, not a man for many words, had been drawn downstairs by the commotion. Looking at the paper too, he threw his son a smile, a smile that spoke many words. Donghae just grinned back as he hugged his mother. He had never felt so happy before. He was finally going to be a dancer.
As he recalled about his happy feelings then, he wondered if he had ever spared a thought to the trials and hardships that he was going to face in order to achieve his dream. Perhaps not. After all, he was too naive then for that. By becoming a SM trainee, he was ordered to cut all contacts from the world other than with his family. Even so, he wasn’t allowed to call them every day. He remembered again, bitterly, how his friends had tried to contact him desperately everyday, but failed.
‘Hey. Are you ok? Why didn’t you come to school today?’
No. He didn’t think that he was ok.
‘Why aren’t you answering our calls? You better not be ignoring us on purpose over some little thing.’
He’s not ignoring them. Even if he wants to reply. He can’t.
‘You disappeared for 2 whole weeks! Please don’t tell me that you’re in the hospital.’
Of course not. But right now, he wasn’t so sure whether being in the hospital is better than being where he is now.
The boy on the bed could only watch helpless as his phone’s screen flashed continuously as text messages streamed in one by one. He wasn’t allowed to reply them back anything else other than a short explanation. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been accepted into SM.’ He knew that his friends were probably bursting with praises and questions right now, especially his best friends. But he didn’t answer any of them. Not that he didn’t want to. But rather he couldn’t. Cutting off contacts with his friends was one of the many rules set by SM for their trainees. Donghae could only stand at the sidelines and watched, helplessly, restricted by rules.
He sighed at that particular memory. He should have known at that time. Signs of the company binding him tight were beginning to show. But he would do anything to become an idol and a dancer and that included obeying SM. But every now and then, he would wonder what would have happened if he didn’t. Would he be kicked out of SM immediately? Would SM punish him? He didn’t know and have no way of finding out. Not that he mind though. He just wished SM wouldn’t be so hard on their trainees.
But everything payed off when he was called by Mr. Lee in. When he told the former that he was going to debut with 11 other people, to say Donghae was elated is an understatement. Who cares about whether Super Junior 05 is a trial group and their group members were going to change every year. All he cared about was that he had debuted.
He gulped nervously as he stood outside the door, hand frozen just above the door knob. He didn’t know whether he should open it or not. Just standing behind the door, are his members. They were meeting for the first time so it was natural for Donghae to have butterflies in his stomach. However, before he could make a decision, the door was thrown open and he was dragged in and plunked onto a seat.
“Hyukjae. You shouldn’t have done it so harshly. He might get bruises you know.” A male said from his seat. Donghae blinked once and looked around him. He was sitting on a sofa surrounded by 11 other guys. The said man, Hyukjae, who had dragged him in was giving him as gummy smile.
“Nah. It wasn’t that hard.” Hyukjae replied, “I’m Hyukjae. Stage’s name Eunhyuk. You can call me which ever you want.” He stretched his hand out towards Donghae, wordlessly asking for a handshake.
Donghae grinned back and shook Hyukjae’s hand. “I’m Donghae. Yes, the eastern sea. Nah. I think I’ll just call you Hyukkie.”
The rest of the members laughed at the nickname Donghae had given Hyukjae while the latter pouted cutely.
Donghae smiled to himself. He could tell that it was the start of a new life as an idol.
Donghae stood up and stretched, as he made his way to the kitchen to get himself a cup of hot chocolate to drink. The winter was getting to him. As he passed by, he looked at the picture that was on the wall in the living room. It was a photo of all thirteen of Super Junior members celebrating after there first concert. Then he turned to look at another photo frame that was on the television table. A picture of eleven of them. Hankyung and Kibum were missing. When Kibum left, Super Junior was shocked, but they were reassured by the fact that Kibum would be coming back after he finished his acting career. To put it simply, Kibum was only going on a temporary hiatus. But it wasn’t the same with Hankyung. The same shock came when they found out that Hankyung had filed the lawsuit against SM Entertainment, but only tenfold. They knew that this time round, when Hankyung left, it wouldn’t be like Kibum. He won’t be coming back again, unless a miracle happened.
Donghae could only stare in shock at their manager. There was no way what the manager had said was true. No way. Hankyung wouldn’t leave Super Junior right? They were family weren’t they? Family should stay together despite all hardships. But he knew that this was reality. It was like living that night again. That night when Yunho, TVXQ’s leader, had called them and told heartbreakingly that Junsu, Yoochun and Jaejoong had filed a lawsuit against the company. It was like experiencing that heartbreak all over again, only these time the pain is doubled. No, maybe even tripled as it is actually happening to them.
Donghae brought his attention back to the scene in front of them. The members were in a wreck. All of them were crying but the worst was Heechul. He had been Hankyung’s best friend. They had been together for more than eight years. Hankyung couldn’t just ignore that years of friendship. Could he? But no matter now, what’s done is done. Hankyung has left, and he’s never coming back.
He knew better than anyone that he shouldn’t blame Hankyung. He had seen Hankyung practice, be it singing or dancing, he had seen Hankyung push himself to the limit every single day to get the best result. For who? For himself? For SM? For Super Junior? Donghae didn’t know but he hoped that it was the last one. But then again, no one could blame Hankyung. He hasn’t even given a day off in 2 years and thanks to that, he got liver cancer. Donghae should have known at that time, better than anyone, that they weren’t free. They might be birds but their wings were clipped, locked up, like a caged bird. But no, he refuses to believe it, still believing that they were free, not restrained at all. But...
“None of you are allowed to contact Hankyung. At all. I want you to forget about him, delete his phone number, block him, do what ever you have to do, but NONE of you are allowed to talk to him ever. He’s a traitor. No longer one of us.”
Super Junior stood in silence, waiting for the words to dissolve themselves into their minds. They just watched as their manager walked out of the room without much of a backward glance.
“H-He’s kidding, right?” Donghae was the first one to break the silence. There’s no way the company could ask them to abandon Hankyung and not contact him at all. He might be a traitor, he might not be a SM artiste, Donghae was sure that Hankyung had a reason for that. But he will always be a part of Super Junior. After all, families are forever right? They can’t break off ties like that. Everyone was sure that if Hankyung was given an alternate choice instead of leaving Super Junior, he would have embraced it.
Silence resumed its veil over the room. Like a gun that was going to go off any moment. Like a volcano that could erupt any moment. Like a bomb that could explode any moment. And so it did.
Crash!
They looked up just in time to see the door slam with Heechul running off. It’s hard for him. Having his best friend leave him and not allowed to talk to him.
Donghae felt tears streaming down his cheeks and brought a hand up to wipe them away. He didn’t know that he was crying. But it was a sad memory after all. A memory that was hard to erase and forget, but Donghae would willingly do so. He had felt betrayal, then anger, then sadness all in that one moment. It was then he realized that there was absolutely no freedom for them, for any idols, for them would had given up their freedom, unknowingly or not, the minute they had become a trainee. After all, they were only caged birds that their company owns.
“Donghae. Why are you upstairs? Get down now! Hankyung and Kibum are here for dinner.”
A voiced echoed from the stairs below. Despite what was warned by the company, none of the members really listened to it. This was their first sign of rebellion. Of course they were caught and were punished, but not one of the thirteen remaining members regretted it. Now, the lawsuit has be resolved and they were allowed to talk to Hankyung again.
“Donghae! Aren’t you glad to see me? Come down now.” A well-known voice was heard. Hankyung. He really was here.
“Coming!” There was a smile in Donghae’s voice. He stood up and got ready to leave the room and head down to join the other fourteen members, but not before throwing a smile at the poster that was hanging on his wall. All fifteen of them. Together. Smiling.
As he walked off, he realized that he was actually fine being caged up. As long as he has his members with him, his brothers, he was fine with anything, even being ripped off his freedom.
After all, even the leader says:
"...I feel a bit regretful for the absence of some fellow members because only when all 15 members are gathered together is when we’re truly Super Junior."
- Leeteuk, Super Junior leader