Offstage lines (hoonroro)
Title: Offstage lines
Anon alias: hoonroro
Character(s)/Pairing (Fandom): Seunghyun/Jaejin (FT Island)
Clichés: Contemporary AU, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey, coming of age.
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 5.025
Summary: Seunghyun's in love with the boy from the grocery store.
Warnings: None.
offstage lines
The king of acoustic guitar
Couldn't play too well
Oh, it hurt like hell
From the callous to the blister to the scar
He was the epitaph of fashion
Hording love like rations
We'd be diggin' until we found bone
I still couldn't find the line
I still couldn't keep time
But it was better than being alone
Seunghyun is seven years old, and he doesn't belong.
His clothes are too big and too worn, he doesn't have the same kind of backpack like the other kids, his hair is too long and unkempt. He's not good at playing football, he's not good at computer games, he doesn't do well in school. He likes animals and loves music, and wants to grow up to be either a rock star or a veterinarian, or both at the same time, but he doesn't think that it'll happen.
Seunghyun is just a kid, but he already knows that some dreams won't come true, and he knows that some people aren't meant to be happy.
He's on his way home from school when he's attacked by three boys from his school - they are three years older than him and while they bully almost everyone, he's their favorite target. Seunghyun doesn't know why, because he can't give them money like some of the other kids they bother, and he doesn't cry, like pretty much everyone else. He doesn't defend himself either, not after the first time they broke his nose. He figures it's better to just let them have their way so they'll leave him alone as much as possible.
Except that it doesn't work like that. Instead they trap him more often than before. They empty his backpack over the road and rip his t-shirt; they push him into the mud and kick his side too hard when he tries to get up. It's not until it starts raining that they leave him alone, leaving him on his knees in the mud with a promise of repeating the whole process again tomorrow.
Seunghyun feels like crying as he scrambles to pick his belongings up again, despite how dirty they are.
"Let me help you with that."
Seunghyun flinches and turns around, backpack in front of him like a shield. He looks up at a boy, a teenager, standing just a few feet away, leaned over a bike. The boy looks back down at him, a little smile on his face, and Seunghyun wonders what that means. He's come to learn that if kids find him like this, they'll just laugh at him, while grown-ups will pity him and cause too much of a fuss.
Nobody has ever smiled at him before, not like that.
"Y-you don't have to, I'm used to it," Seunghyun says and bends his head, shoving the last couple of books back down into his backpack. He knows it'll be a pain in the ass to get them clean again, but it's not the first time and he thinks he's gotten pretty good at it. Seunghyun cleans up nicely and blends in well. Well enough to not attract too much attention, well enough to just be another too scrawny kid in a crowd of too scrawny kids, well enough that the grown-ups won't ask questions. Seunghyun's mother hates it when people ask questions, so Seunghyun has learned to avoid them.
As he's scrambling to get up, the boy takes a couple of steps closer and offers Seunghyun his hand. It takes him a couple of moments, but then Seunghyun takes it, being pulled to his feet. "You look like a mess," the boy says and wipes mud off of Seunghyun's arms, only to smear it out more. "I'm not helping, am I? I live just a block away, want to come clean up at my place before you go home?"
Seunghyun shakes his head. He might not be the smartest kid around, but he knows better than to follow strangers home. Still, he meets the boy's eyes, gives him a grateful smile because even if it's not much, at least he offered to help. Seunghyun's not used to people wanting to help.
The boy nods, seeming to understand. "I'm Jaejin," he says. "I' sure we'll meet again someday."
He ruffles Seunghyun's hair, and then he's gone, disappearing into the rain.
--
Seunghyun is twelve.
His mother has just died, and he doesn't know where he's going to sleep tonight. At the funeral, he can hear his relatives discuss him in hushed voices, how they think it's for the best if he goes into the foster system, how he's a troubled boy, how they are all too busy with their own families to take on such a task. He knows he doesn't belong, but he wishes they wouldn't make it quite this obvious.
There's nothing he can do, and he pretends not to hear as he stares at his mother's picture. She wasn't there, a lot of the time, but she was still his mother and he loved her, and he wants her to come back. There's an ache in his chest that he doesn't know how to get rid of again, and he doesn't know how to keep going when there's no one that cares for him, nobody that offers him more than the cursory amount of attention and affection. Seunghyun bows his head and closes his eyes, struggling not to cry.
He doesn't open his eyes when someone sits down next to him, because he doesn't want to hear that he'll be taken to an orphanage tonight. He doesn't want any more bad news.
"You haven't fallen asleep, have you?" the person next to him asks, and Seunghyun turns his head automatically, because he recognizes that voice, even if he hasn't heard it in five years.
Jaejin smiles back at him. He's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, just like last time, and Seunghyun notices that his relatives are staring, but he couldn't care less right now. Jaejin is a familiar face, more so than Seunghyun's relatives, even if he's only met Jaejin once, because Jaejin, Jaejin's genuine, he's kind, he's different. Seunghyun can't tell why Jaejin's different, he just knows.
"Here, come with me," Jaejin says. "Take my hand."
Seunghyun takes it, and smiles, for the first time since his mother died.
They walk outside and the sun stings Seunghyun's eyes. The noise from the traffic seems to loud and he holds onto Jaejin's hand harder, not wanting to let go again. Jaejin seems smaller than last time, but Seunghyun thinks that maybe it's because he has grown, not because Jaejin has shrunk. He doesn't know if any of this makes sense, but he's not sure it matters, either.
Jaejin sits down on a bench and pulls Seunghyun down with him. For a few minutes, they just sit there - Seunghyun wants to say something, but he can't think of anything to say apart from asking Jaejin to take him away, bring him somewhere far away from here where nobody knows that he's the skinny, poor kid that just lost his mother.
"You have to be strong, Seunghyun. You can make it through this. You just have to believe in yourself," Jaejin says. He sounds so sure of himself, like he knows the answer to anything in the universe.
Seunghyun doesn't believe in easy answers, not anymore. "But what if I don't? They say I'm nothing but trouble."
"That's because they're stupid," Jaejin says and gives Seunghyun's hand a squeeze. "I'm pretty sure you've figured this out already, but grown-ups aren't any smarter than kids, and they don't always know what the hell they're talking about. Just remember that. And remember that you can do anything you want as long as you don't give up."
"But my mother... I. I don't know what to do without her," Seunghyun admits, his voice breaking because putting words to how he feels makes it far more real.
Jaejin scoots closer and looks at Seunghyun. Doesn't say anything for the longest time, just stares into Seunghyun's eyes until Seunghyun's practically squirming. Only then does Jaejin pull back and look away, nodding to himself. "You're never alone, Seunghyun. Never."
Seunghyun frowns and wants to ask Jaejin what he means, but his relatives are yelling for him to come back and Jaejin stands up, pulling his hand away from Seunghyun's. "Will I... Can I see you again?" he asks, because Jaejin is the only thing that makes even the slightest bit of sense in his life right now.
"Maybe," Jaejin says, and his smile seems to promise Seunghyun the world.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-one, still in school, and he's in love with the boy from the grocery store. He has been since the first time he realized that the boy was the same one from his childhood.
He still doesn't know much about him, only that his name is Jaejin and that he wears a different pair of glasses every day and that he sometimes carries a guitar case with him when he walks to or from work. He doesn't know Jaejin's last name or how old he is or where he lives or why he never seems to get any older or why he never seems to change, but he knows that Jaejin smiles to the customers and hums when he stocks the shelves and flirts with all the girls, no matter how old they are or what they look like.
Seunghyun doesn't know Jaejin, not really. But he remembers two moments from his childhood when he needed a friend, and he remembers Jaejin being there, giving him just enough support to hang on and keep going.
And he goes to the grocery store almost every day, buying one or two items that he doesn't really need, all so that he can spend a few moments talking to Jaejin. Just a couple of words if the store is busy and crowded, an entire conversation if there aren't a lot of people around.
By now, Seunghyun knows when the store is normally crowded and when it's empty, and he starts showing up at almost the same time every day.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were stalking me," Jaejin comments with a smirk. "You've been coming by a lot lately."
Seunghyun feels like blushing. "I've been coming by a lot for a long time."
"Oh, really?" Jaejin's grin widens, before he tells one of the other store clerks that he's taking a break, grabs Seunghyun's hand and pulls him outside.
Seunghyun is starting to realize that Jaejin can be pretty impulsive. By now, he's taller than Jaejin, he knows that they look like they're the same age, and it feels like they're meant to be - he knows it's stupid and that these kinds of fairytales don't come real. "Where are we going?" he asks, but truth be told, he doesn't really care where they are going. It doesn't matter to him, especially when Jaejin's hand tightens around his own.
Jaejin doesn't answer, just rounds a few corners and half runs down a few streets until they stand in front of the local park. Considering that it's late October, it's a sad sight; naked tree branches and piles of brown leaves on the ground, puddles of water and grassy hills that are more mud than actual grass.
"Uhm," Seunghyun says, because he doesn't really get it. He doesn't understand why they're here, doesn't know what Jaejin's trying to say with this.
And Jaejin just shrugs and smiles, wandering inside the iron gates and pulling Seunghyun with him to one of the small clearings with bright green benches. "Here," he says, pointing to the middle of the clearing.
"Here?"
"This is where I first saw you. Last summer. You were playing the guitar and singing, and there were a bunch of girls swooning over you even if you were singing off-key and you weren't really that good," Jaejin says, and somehow, he's still smirking a little.
Seunghyun blinks, both from the knowledge that Jaejin was watching him and because he knows Jaejin's lying. "I'm better now. I've been practicing a lot since then."
Jaejin laughs. "Next time you want to perform, take me with you, okay? I play the bass. And I'm pretty sure I'm still better than you, no matter how much you've been practicing."
"I... Okay. That sounds nice?" Seunghyun offers, because he doesn't know what to say.
He knows even less what to say when Jaejin tugs him closer and kisses his cheek, before letting go and running back out of the park, leaving Seunghyun standing there alone.
Two weeks later, Seunghyun graduates from school and gets a job in Seoul. He goes to the grocery store to let Jaejin know, to talk about it, only to be told that Jaejin suddenly quit, two days after they went to the park together.
Seunghyun's chest aches, but he accepts it nonetheless. He's gotten used to people he cares about leaving him behind.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-three, and he misses Jaejin.
He spends hours writing songs dedicated to Jaejin, but he can never get the words right, only the melodies. His fingers are calloused and there's a scar across one of his fingertips from where a guitar string snapped and dug into his skin. He doesn't mind. He thinks that this is a record of the life that he's lived; rough and filled with music.
He thinks that he would have loved to play with Jaejin, if only Jaejin hadn't disappeared.
When he's on the first date with the girl that he ends up dating for a few months, he thinks that he'd rather be sharing a meal with Jaejin, because they've never gotten to do that. When he's playing a song for her, he thinks that he'd rather play it for Jaejin. When he kisses her, he wonders what it would be like kissing Jaejin.
When he breaks up with her, he wonders if she feels the same kind of pain that he felt when Jaejin left.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-five and living in Seoul, in a small apartment that offers little apart from a roof over his head.
This is not the life he expected.
He works in a small music store that sells mostly indie rock music, and he plays his guitar on the weekends, in parks and on street corners. He doesn't think he's all that good, but it gets him a bit of extra money and a few girls' phone numbers, so he figures it's worth it. He has someone to sing to, this way.
It's not what he dreamed of as a kid, far from it, but it's okay enough. He has his freedom, he has his guitar and his music, he has his coworkers and the regulars that stop by the store every day, he has his one night stands with girls that leave him in the morning without looking back. He has a grey cat that he picked up from the street and shelves filled with comic books and CDs, and he lives a quiet life devoid of much emotion. Sometimes, Seunghyun thinks that he's not really living, he just exists.
At least until the store has to close and he can't find another job.
At least until he loses his apartment and has to sell most of his belongings in order to survive.
At least until he has to give his cat to the nearest animal shelter because he can't take care of her anymore.
At least until he finally has to sell his guitar so he can stay at a shabby motel for a couple more weeks.
At least until Jaejin walks back into his life, as abruptly as he walked out.
"I thought for sure you were too old to need me anymore," he says as he walks into Seunghyun's motel room, sitting down on the bed beside him.
Seunghyun can only stare at him.
The silence is heavy, but Jaejin doesn't say anything, just watches Seunghyun with that small smile on his face. Seunghyun thinks it looks different now, a little condescending. Eventually, Jaejin sighs and gets up again. He picks up the bag Seunghyun keeps beside the bed and shoves Seunghyun's belongings into it before reaching over and grabbing Seunghyun's hand, pulling him to his feet - he has a tougher time of it now than when Seunghyun was a kid. "Come on. We need to get you the hell out of here. You're not meant to be in this place."
"Then where am I supposed to be?" Seunghyun asks, not trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
Jaejin doesn't reply.
Jaejin lets Seunghyun stay at his place, an apartment that's at least twice as big as Seunghyun's, and which feels like it has more windows than actual walls, and Seunghyun wants to stay forever. He doesn't understand how Jaejin can go from working in a grocery store to live in a nice apartment in Seoul, but whenever he tries to ask, Jaejin fixes him with a stare that suggests that if he told Seunghyun the truth, he'd have to kill him.
"You'll stay here until you find another job, okay? A better one," Jaejin says. "And I'm buying you a guitar. It's strange to see you without one."
"Do you still play?" Seunghyun asks. Music is a safe topic.
Jaejin nods and laughs, pulling Seunghyun into a small room that's filled with guitars, along with a drum set and a keyboard. It's like he's a musician, forever waiting for his band to come along. "Do you want to play?" Jaejin asks, picking up a guitar and nudging Seunghyun towards another.
Seunghyun thinks that this is stupid, that there are a million other things they should do instead of playing music, but he picks up a guitar nonetheless.
They spend three hours playing, until Seunghyun's fingers are blistered and Jaejin's hair sticks to his forehead and his neck, and Seunghyun wishes that they could just keep playing forever. But Jaejin puts the guitar down and turns the light off, muttering an unsteady goodnight on his way out the door.
But Seunghyun doesn't want to say goodnight, and he pulls Jaejin back to kiss him instead. Because he never knows when Jaejin will disappear, and he's not going to miss his chances anymore.
Jaejin pushes at his shoulders, but kisses him back nonetheless.
Seunghyun sleeps on the couch for the first three nights, then he moves into Jaejin's bedroom. Jaejin tenses the first time Seunghyun climbs into his bed in the middle of the night, but he still scoots over, giving Seunghyun enough room to get comfortable.
"Don't leave me again," Seunghyun mutters as he kisses Jaejin's shoulder, snuggling closer to him because he's sick of being alone.
"Don't go any further than this," Jaejin counters, and nudges Seunghyun's hand out of the way when Seunghyun tries to tug Jaejin's t-shirt up.
Seunghyun pouts and bites Jaejin's shoulder. "Why not?"
"Because that's not how it should go," Jaejin says. Seunghyun doesn't understand what he means and he wants to keep asking questions until he gets an answer that makes sense to him, but Jaejin turns around and kisses him breathless.
Seunghyun decides that the questions can wait.
Jaejin works at an animal shelter, and after a week has passed, he brings Seunghyun along, introducing him to everyone that works there and telling him that he can help out for the day, if he wants to.
Somehow, Seunghyun spends most of the day playing with the puppies. Three ladies who come to adopt a new pet ask if they can take him home instead, and Seunghyun laughs, because being a pet doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
"You could probably get a job there too, if you want," Jaejin says that evening while cooking dinner for them both. "I know you like animals. Just try not to adopt every puppy or kitten that you see."
"Can I adopt every other one instead?"
Jaejin laughs and throws rice at Seunghyun's face.
They start writing songs together (Jaejin does the lyrics, Seunghyun does the melody) and they play them in the park on Saturdays, every time the sun is shining. It's not exactly the childhood dream of being a rock star come to life, but Seunghyun likes to think that being a rock star wouldn't be all fun and games either, and that he wouldn't trade these afternoons for a chance to be on stage.
Jaejin lies back onto the grass after they've finished playing, and he tells Seunghyun fairytales; stories from different times and different places, tells him about people that Seunghyun have never heard about. He talks about the Edo period in Japan, he talks about the Second World War in Germany, he talks about the Vikings ravaging England. He talks about Indians in America and the Mayans in South America; he talks about the deserts of Africa and the mountains of Tibet and the outback in Australia. He talks about so many things that Seunghyun gets dizzy just from listening, but he listens nonetheless, because he doesn't have any stories to tell.
None that Jaejin doesn't know already, anyway.
"Who are you?" Seunghyun asks.
Jaejin takes his hand and traces patterns on his palm. "You already know who I am."
Even if everything seems good, Seunghyun can never relax completely. He doesn't like to admit it, but he doesn't trust Jaejin, not really. He wants Jaejin to stay, wants them to be together like this because this is nice, this feels good, this feels like something he would want to fight for.
He doesn't think Jaejin feels the same way. Jaejin always keeps a small distance between them, Jaejin doesn't tell Seunghyun anything about himself, Jaejin disappears for hours and even days without saying where he's been. Jaejin plays the bass as often as he can, but he has no callouses on his fingers.
Seunghyun tries to accept it, tries to be okay with not knowing, tries to get rid of the uneasy feeling in his stomach every time Jaejin comes home late in the evening after having been gone all day.
And when Jaejin smiles at him and curls up next to him on the couch, it's tempting to just forget all the details and be pleased with the big picture.
"Why are you here?" Seunghyun asks. He can't help himself. He should've learned by now that questions are useless, but it doesn't stop him from asking them, time and time again.
Jaejin shrugs and shifts, leaning his head on Seunghyun's shoulder. "Because I'm supposed to be. For now. For a little while."
Seunghyun doesn't ask again.
Somewhere along the line, Jaejin's belongings get replaced by Seunghyun's. Jaejin's novels in English and poetry books in French disappear, leaving room for Seunghyun's comic books. Jaejin's jazz CDs vanish, but his rock CDs remain, being supplemented by the indie rock albums that Seunghyun buy by the dozens if nobody restrains him. Jaejin's part of the closet gets smaller and smaller until Seunghyun wonders just where Jaejin is hiding all his clothes.
It happens gradually, then suddenly. It's like falling in love, and Seunghyun doesn't see it happening until it's too late.
Not until he comes home from work only to find Jaejin in the living room with a packed bag, all traces of him wiped out of the apartment.
"Oh," Seunghyun says, and he walks past Jaejin, over to the window.
"I think you'll be okay without me," Jaejin says and shoulders his bag.
"You're leaving again, aren't you?" Seunghyun asks without looking at Jaejin. He has to admit that Jaejin has always been around when things were bad. He has to admit that things are better now, that he's actually looking forwards to the future, that he has plans and ideas and dreams, actual dreams.
He wonders if he should admit that Jaejin's at the center of most of them.
Jaejin sighs. "I've stayed for far too long already."
"It'll never be long enough," Seunghyun says stubbornly.
He still refuses to look at Jaejin, and he leans his forehead against the cold window when he hears the front door first open, then close.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-eight, and he's telling himself that he's forgotten everything about Jaejin.
He likes to believe that one day, it will be true.
Even if he knows that it won't be.
--
Seunghyun is turning thirty.
He's turning thirty and he got engaged three weeks ago. He's turning thirty and his friends and fiancée are throwing him a surprise party - he knows about it because Hongki could never keep a secret from anyone. He's turning thirty and he's living in a nice apartment and his job is nice and never boring. And he has a new cat, one that he's named Jinjin; he would have adopted at least twenty others by now, if it wasn't for the fact that his fiancée has made him promise not to.
He has a nice life, and he never knew that the word "nice" could be so unsatisfying. Seunghyun thinks that he should be happy, thinks that this is the kind of life he would've been ecstatic about having.
Seunghyun thinks he would be happy if there wasn't a piece missing.
The surprise party is no surprise, granted, but it is a success, and Seunghyun has fun, because he owes it to his friends. He drinks too much soju and dances too much and holds an impromptu speech that goes on for so long that Hongki tells him to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up because he's not making sense anyway. Which isn't that much of a change.
As the party is winding down and people are leaving, Seunghyun catches a glimpse of something, someone, disappearing out the side door. He swallows roughly, contemplates letting it go, but he already knows that he can't.
"Jaejin," he says, catching up to him easily. He's surprised that Jaejin doesn't try to run; less surprised that Jaejin's careful to keep his distance..
"I shouldn't have come," Jaejin says, backing away, hands in front of him like he's trying to keep Seunghyun away. "I shouldn't have, I know, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I wanted..."
"You wanted to see me happy," Seunghyun says. "For a change."
Jaejin tries a smile, but it comes out far less reassuring than it normally does. "Something like that, yeah."
Seunghyun takes a step closer, then another, and he captures Jaejin's hands in his own. Jaejin looks so small to him now, so young and innocent. He still looks like a slightly insolent, too-smart-for-his-own-good teenager, and Seunghyun knows that will never change. "You know I'll never be truly happy without you, right?"
Somehow, it sounds like a threat.
"Yes, you will," Jaejin says.
"You will be happy without me, because I was never the one making you happy," Jaejin says.
"We weren’t supposed to be together," Jaejin says.
"The things we did, we shouldn't have done them," Jaejin says.
"I got too close," Jaejin says.
"Goodbye," Jaejin says, and his voice cracks.
Seunghyun shakes his head and pulls Jaejin close, holds him, kisses him, tries to convince him to stay, that they should be together, always.
"That's not how it's meant to go," Jaejin says, an explanation that doesn't explain anything, and before Seunghyun can protest again, Jaejin pulls free and runs out of the room.
Seunghyun follows, but Jaejin is gone.
It's the story of Seunghyun's life, and he's starting to wonder how many times he can stand having his heart broken.
--
Seunghyun is thirty-two, and his daughter was just born.
As his wife sleeps, Seunghyun stands by the crib, watching the baby. He thinks she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen (Jaejin and his wife and guitars and cats included), and when he reaches out to touch her, she grabs his finger in a surprisingly strong grip.
Seunghyun feels like crying, and he does, for the first time in years.
He names her Jaehwa.
--
Seunghyun is forty-three.
He's having lunch at a small restaurant, not too far from his office. He has just hung up the phone after talking to his wife, reassuring her that he'll be home for dinner, that he won't work late tonight, even if managing the animal shelter is a rather round-the-clock kind of job. He has promised helping his oldest daughter with her homework, he has promised his son to come watch his football game, he has promised his youngest daughter to read her a goodnight story.
Seunghyun has obligations, Seunghyun has responsibilities, Seunghyun has people who rely on him and who would miss him if he wasn't around anymore, Seunghyun has many reasons to live.
Seunghyun is happy.
He never thought he would be, not after Jaejin left.
But he has come to learn that his heart is good at healing itself. He's come to learn that saying goodbye is as natural as saying hello. He has come to learn that he can love his wife with all his heart, even if he still loves Jaejin with all his heart as well. He has come to learn that dreams come true in strange ways. He has learned that things don't have to turn out exactly the way he wanted them to. he has learned that he can find happiness in small things.
And as he's sipping his coffee and watching the street, his heart skips a beat as he notices a boy kneeling on the sidewalk in front of a crying girl of maybe four or five. The boy wipes her tears and puts a bright blue band-aid on her scraped knee, before smoothing down her hair and giving her a hug. Seunghyun can't hear what he says, but he doesn't have to. Neither does he run out there to intervene, to stop it, to pull Jaejin back into his life.
Instead he just sits there, watching, catching a slight glimpse of Jaejin's face when he turns around and watches the girl catch up to her mother.
It's all that he needs; all it takes to remind him that Jaejin will always be there.
Seunghyun thinks that this, maybe this is how his life was supposed to turn out, all along. It's not a fairytale with a fairytale happy ending, but he doesn't need it to be.
Anon alias: hoonroro
Character(s)/Pairing (Fandom): Seunghyun/Jaejin (FT Island)
Clichés: Contemporary AU, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey, coming of age.
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 5.025
Summary: Seunghyun's in love with the boy from the grocery store.
Warnings: None.
offstage lines
The king of acoustic guitar
Couldn't play too well
Oh, it hurt like hell
From the callous to the blister to the scar
He was the epitaph of fashion
Hording love like rations
We'd be diggin' until we found bone
I still couldn't find the line
I still couldn't keep time
But it was better than being alone
Seunghyun is seven years old, and he doesn't belong.
His clothes are too big and too worn, he doesn't have the same kind of backpack like the other kids, his hair is too long and unkempt. He's not good at playing football, he's not good at computer games, he doesn't do well in school. He likes animals and loves music, and wants to grow up to be either a rock star or a veterinarian, or both at the same time, but he doesn't think that it'll happen.
Seunghyun is just a kid, but he already knows that some dreams won't come true, and he knows that some people aren't meant to be happy.
He's on his way home from school when he's attacked by three boys from his school - they are three years older than him and while they bully almost everyone, he's their favorite target. Seunghyun doesn't know why, because he can't give them money like some of the other kids they bother, and he doesn't cry, like pretty much everyone else. He doesn't defend himself either, not after the first time they broke his nose. He figures it's better to just let them have their way so they'll leave him alone as much as possible.
Except that it doesn't work like that. Instead they trap him more often than before. They empty his backpack over the road and rip his t-shirt; they push him into the mud and kick his side too hard when he tries to get up. It's not until it starts raining that they leave him alone, leaving him on his knees in the mud with a promise of repeating the whole process again tomorrow.
Seunghyun feels like crying as he scrambles to pick his belongings up again, despite how dirty they are.
"Let me help you with that."
Seunghyun flinches and turns around, backpack in front of him like a shield. He looks up at a boy, a teenager, standing just a few feet away, leaned over a bike. The boy looks back down at him, a little smile on his face, and Seunghyun wonders what that means. He's come to learn that if kids find him like this, they'll just laugh at him, while grown-ups will pity him and cause too much of a fuss.
Nobody has ever smiled at him before, not like that.
"Y-you don't have to, I'm used to it," Seunghyun says and bends his head, shoving the last couple of books back down into his backpack. He knows it'll be a pain in the ass to get them clean again, but it's not the first time and he thinks he's gotten pretty good at it. Seunghyun cleans up nicely and blends in well. Well enough to not attract too much attention, well enough to just be another too scrawny kid in a crowd of too scrawny kids, well enough that the grown-ups won't ask questions. Seunghyun's mother hates it when people ask questions, so Seunghyun has learned to avoid them.
As he's scrambling to get up, the boy takes a couple of steps closer and offers Seunghyun his hand. It takes him a couple of moments, but then Seunghyun takes it, being pulled to his feet. "You look like a mess," the boy says and wipes mud off of Seunghyun's arms, only to smear it out more. "I'm not helping, am I? I live just a block away, want to come clean up at my place before you go home?"
Seunghyun shakes his head. He might not be the smartest kid around, but he knows better than to follow strangers home. Still, he meets the boy's eyes, gives him a grateful smile because even if it's not much, at least he offered to help. Seunghyun's not used to people wanting to help.
The boy nods, seeming to understand. "I'm Jaejin," he says. "I' sure we'll meet again someday."
He ruffles Seunghyun's hair, and then he's gone, disappearing into the rain.
--
Seunghyun is twelve.
His mother has just died, and he doesn't know where he's going to sleep tonight. At the funeral, he can hear his relatives discuss him in hushed voices, how they think it's for the best if he goes into the foster system, how he's a troubled boy, how they are all too busy with their own families to take on such a task. He knows he doesn't belong, but he wishes they wouldn't make it quite this obvious.
There's nothing he can do, and he pretends not to hear as he stares at his mother's picture. She wasn't there, a lot of the time, but she was still his mother and he loved her, and he wants her to come back. There's an ache in his chest that he doesn't know how to get rid of again, and he doesn't know how to keep going when there's no one that cares for him, nobody that offers him more than the cursory amount of attention and affection. Seunghyun bows his head and closes his eyes, struggling not to cry.
He doesn't open his eyes when someone sits down next to him, because he doesn't want to hear that he'll be taken to an orphanage tonight. He doesn't want any more bad news.
"You haven't fallen asleep, have you?" the person next to him asks, and Seunghyun turns his head automatically, because he recognizes that voice, even if he hasn't heard it in five years.
Jaejin smiles back at him. He's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, just like last time, and Seunghyun notices that his relatives are staring, but he couldn't care less right now. Jaejin is a familiar face, more so than Seunghyun's relatives, even if he's only met Jaejin once, because Jaejin, Jaejin's genuine, he's kind, he's different. Seunghyun can't tell why Jaejin's different, he just knows.
"Here, come with me," Jaejin says. "Take my hand."
Seunghyun takes it, and smiles, for the first time since his mother died.
They walk outside and the sun stings Seunghyun's eyes. The noise from the traffic seems to loud and he holds onto Jaejin's hand harder, not wanting to let go again. Jaejin seems smaller than last time, but Seunghyun thinks that maybe it's because he has grown, not because Jaejin has shrunk. He doesn't know if any of this makes sense, but he's not sure it matters, either.
Jaejin sits down on a bench and pulls Seunghyun down with him. For a few minutes, they just sit there - Seunghyun wants to say something, but he can't think of anything to say apart from asking Jaejin to take him away, bring him somewhere far away from here where nobody knows that he's the skinny, poor kid that just lost his mother.
"You have to be strong, Seunghyun. You can make it through this. You just have to believe in yourself," Jaejin says. He sounds so sure of himself, like he knows the answer to anything in the universe.
Seunghyun doesn't believe in easy answers, not anymore. "But what if I don't? They say I'm nothing but trouble."
"That's because they're stupid," Jaejin says and gives Seunghyun's hand a squeeze. "I'm pretty sure you've figured this out already, but grown-ups aren't any smarter than kids, and they don't always know what the hell they're talking about. Just remember that. And remember that you can do anything you want as long as you don't give up."
"But my mother... I. I don't know what to do without her," Seunghyun admits, his voice breaking because putting words to how he feels makes it far more real.
Jaejin scoots closer and looks at Seunghyun. Doesn't say anything for the longest time, just stares into Seunghyun's eyes until Seunghyun's practically squirming. Only then does Jaejin pull back and look away, nodding to himself. "You're never alone, Seunghyun. Never."
Seunghyun frowns and wants to ask Jaejin what he means, but his relatives are yelling for him to come back and Jaejin stands up, pulling his hand away from Seunghyun's. "Will I... Can I see you again?" he asks, because Jaejin is the only thing that makes even the slightest bit of sense in his life right now.
"Maybe," Jaejin says, and his smile seems to promise Seunghyun the world.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-one, still in school, and he's in love with the boy from the grocery store. He has been since the first time he realized that the boy was the same one from his childhood.
He still doesn't know much about him, only that his name is Jaejin and that he wears a different pair of glasses every day and that he sometimes carries a guitar case with him when he walks to or from work. He doesn't know Jaejin's last name or how old he is or where he lives or why he never seems to get any older or why he never seems to change, but he knows that Jaejin smiles to the customers and hums when he stocks the shelves and flirts with all the girls, no matter how old they are or what they look like.
Seunghyun doesn't know Jaejin, not really. But he remembers two moments from his childhood when he needed a friend, and he remembers Jaejin being there, giving him just enough support to hang on and keep going.
And he goes to the grocery store almost every day, buying one or two items that he doesn't really need, all so that he can spend a few moments talking to Jaejin. Just a couple of words if the store is busy and crowded, an entire conversation if there aren't a lot of people around.
By now, Seunghyun knows when the store is normally crowded and when it's empty, and he starts showing up at almost the same time every day.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were stalking me," Jaejin comments with a smirk. "You've been coming by a lot lately."
Seunghyun feels like blushing. "I've been coming by a lot for a long time."
"Oh, really?" Jaejin's grin widens, before he tells one of the other store clerks that he's taking a break, grabs Seunghyun's hand and pulls him outside.
Seunghyun is starting to realize that Jaejin can be pretty impulsive. By now, he's taller than Jaejin, he knows that they look like they're the same age, and it feels like they're meant to be - he knows it's stupid and that these kinds of fairytales don't come real. "Where are we going?" he asks, but truth be told, he doesn't really care where they are going. It doesn't matter to him, especially when Jaejin's hand tightens around his own.
Jaejin doesn't answer, just rounds a few corners and half runs down a few streets until they stand in front of the local park. Considering that it's late October, it's a sad sight; naked tree branches and piles of brown leaves on the ground, puddles of water and grassy hills that are more mud than actual grass.
"Uhm," Seunghyun says, because he doesn't really get it. He doesn't understand why they're here, doesn't know what Jaejin's trying to say with this.
And Jaejin just shrugs and smiles, wandering inside the iron gates and pulling Seunghyun with him to one of the small clearings with bright green benches. "Here," he says, pointing to the middle of the clearing.
"Here?"
"This is where I first saw you. Last summer. You were playing the guitar and singing, and there were a bunch of girls swooning over you even if you were singing off-key and you weren't really that good," Jaejin says, and somehow, he's still smirking a little.
Seunghyun blinks, both from the knowledge that Jaejin was watching him and because he knows Jaejin's lying. "I'm better now. I've been practicing a lot since then."
Jaejin laughs. "Next time you want to perform, take me with you, okay? I play the bass. And I'm pretty sure I'm still better than you, no matter how much you've been practicing."
"I... Okay. That sounds nice?" Seunghyun offers, because he doesn't know what to say.
He knows even less what to say when Jaejin tugs him closer and kisses his cheek, before letting go and running back out of the park, leaving Seunghyun standing there alone.
Two weeks later, Seunghyun graduates from school and gets a job in Seoul. He goes to the grocery store to let Jaejin know, to talk about it, only to be told that Jaejin suddenly quit, two days after they went to the park together.
Seunghyun's chest aches, but he accepts it nonetheless. He's gotten used to people he cares about leaving him behind.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-three, and he misses Jaejin.
He spends hours writing songs dedicated to Jaejin, but he can never get the words right, only the melodies. His fingers are calloused and there's a scar across one of his fingertips from where a guitar string snapped and dug into his skin. He doesn't mind. He thinks that this is a record of the life that he's lived; rough and filled with music.
He thinks that he would have loved to play with Jaejin, if only Jaejin hadn't disappeared.
When he's on the first date with the girl that he ends up dating for a few months, he thinks that he'd rather be sharing a meal with Jaejin, because they've never gotten to do that. When he's playing a song for her, he thinks that he'd rather play it for Jaejin. When he kisses her, he wonders what it would be like kissing Jaejin.
When he breaks up with her, he wonders if she feels the same kind of pain that he felt when Jaejin left.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-five and living in Seoul, in a small apartment that offers little apart from a roof over his head.
This is not the life he expected.
He works in a small music store that sells mostly indie rock music, and he plays his guitar on the weekends, in parks and on street corners. He doesn't think he's all that good, but it gets him a bit of extra money and a few girls' phone numbers, so he figures it's worth it. He has someone to sing to, this way.
It's not what he dreamed of as a kid, far from it, but it's okay enough. He has his freedom, he has his guitar and his music, he has his coworkers and the regulars that stop by the store every day, he has his one night stands with girls that leave him in the morning without looking back. He has a grey cat that he picked up from the street and shelves filled with comic books and CDs, and he lives a quiet life devoid of much emotion. Sometimes, Seunghyun thinks that he's not really living, he just exists.
At least until the store has to close and he can't find another job.
At least until he loses his apartment and has to sell most of his belongings in order to survive.
At least until he has to give his cat to the nearest animal shelter because he can't take care of her anymore.
At least until he finally has to sell his guitar so he can stay at a shabby motel for a couple more weeks.
At least until Jaejin walks back into his life, as abruptly as he walked out.
"I thought for sure you were too old to need me anymore," he says as he walks into Seunghyun's motel room, sitting down on the bed beside him.
Seunghyun can only stare at him.
The silence is heavy, but Jaejin doesn't say anything, just watches Seunghyun with that small smile on his face. Seunghyun thinks it looks different now, a little condescending. Eventually, Jaejin sighs and gets up again. He picks up the bag Seunghyun keeps beside the bed and shoves Seunghyun's belongings into it before reaching over and grabbing Seunghyun's hand, pulling him to his feet - he has a tougher time of it now than when Seunghyun was a kid. "Come on. We need to get you the hell out of here. You're not meant to be in this place."
"Then where am I supposed to be?" Seunghyun asks, not trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
Jaejin doesn't reply.
Jaejin lets Seunghyun stay at his place, an apartment that's at least twice as big as Seunghyun's, and which feels like it has more windows than actual walls, and Seunghyun wants to stay forever. He doesn't understand how Jaejin can go from working in a grocery store to live in a nice apartment in Seoul, but whenever he tries to ask, Jaejin fixes him with a stare that suggests that if he told Seunghyun the truth, he'd have to kill him.
"You'll stay here until you find another job, okay? A better one," Jaejin says. "And I'm buying you a guitar. It's strange to see you without one."
"Do you still play?" Seunghyun asks. Music is a safe topic.
Jaejin nods and laughs, pulling Seunghyun into a small room that's filled with guitars, along with a drum set and a keyboard. It's like he's a musician, forever waiting for his band to come along. "Do you want to play?" Jaejin asks, picking up a guitar and nudging Seunghyun towards another.
Seunghyun thinks that this is stupid, that there are a million other things they should do instead of playing music, but he picks up a guitar nonetheless.
They spend three hours playing, until Seunghyun's fingers are blistered and Jaejin's hair sticks to his forehead and his neck, and Seunghyun wishes that they could just keep playing forever. But Jaejin puts the guitar down and turns the light off, muttering an unsteady goodnight on his way out the door.
But Seunghyun doesn't want to say goodnight, and he pulls Jaejin back to kiss him instead. Because he never knows when Jaejin will disappear, and he's not going to miss his chances anymore.
Jaejin pushes at his shoulders, but kisses him back nonetheless.
Seunghyun sleeps on the couch for the first three nights, then he moves into Jaejin's bedroom. Jaejin tenses the first time Seunghyun climbs into his bed in the middle of the night, but he still scoots over, giving Seunghyun enough room to get comfortable.
"Don't leave me again," Seunghyun mutters as he kisses Jaejin's shoulder, snuggling closer to him because he's sick of being alone.
"Don't go any further than this," Jaejin counters, and nudges Seunghyun's hand out of the way when Seunghyun tries to tug Jaejin's t-shirt up.
Seunghyun pouts and bites Jaejin's shoulder. "Why not?"
"Because that's not how it should go," Jaejin says. Seunghyun doesn't understand what he means and he wants to keep asking questions until he gets an answer that makes sense to him, but Jaejin turns around and kisses him breathless.
Seunghyun decides that the questions can wait.
Jaejin works at an animal shelter, and after a week has passed, he brings Seunghyun along, introducing him to everyone that works there and telling him that he can help out for the day, if he wants to.
Somehow, Seunghyun spends most of the day playing with the puppies. Three ladies who come to adopt a new pet ask if they can take him home instead, and Seunghyun laughs, because being a pet doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
"You could probably get a job there too, if you want," Jaejin says that evening while cooking dinner for them both. "I know you like animals. Just try not to adopt every puppy or kitten that you see."
"Can I adopt every other one instead?"
Jaejin laughs and throws rice at Seunghyun's face.
They start writing songs together (Jaejin does the lyrics, Seunghyun does the melody) and they play them in the park on Saturdays, every time the sun is shining. It's not exactly the childhood dream of being a rock star come to life, but Seunghyun likes to think that being a rock star wouldn't be all fun and games either, and that he wouldn't trade these afternoons for a chance to be on stage.
Jaejin lies back onto the grass after they've finished playing, and he tells Seunghyun fairytales; stories from different times and different places, tells him about people that Seunghyun have never heard about. He talks about the Edo period in Japan, he talks about the Second World War in Germany, he talks about the Vikings ravaging England. He talks about Indians in America and the Mayans in South America; he talks about the deserts of Africa and the mountains of Tibet and the outback in Australia. He talks about so many things that Seunghyun gets dizzy just from listening, but he listens nonetheless, because he doesn't have any stories to tell.
None that Jaejin doesn't know already, anyway.
"Who are you?" Seunghyun asks.
Jaejin takes his hand and traces patterns on his palm. "You already know who I am."
Even if everything seems good, Seunghyun can never relax completely. He doesn't like to admit it, but he doesn't trust Jaejin, not really. He wants Jaejin to stay, wants them to be together like this because this is nice, this feels good, this feels like something he would want to fight for.
He doesn't think Jaejin feels the same way. Jaejin always keeps a small distance between them, Jaejin doesn't tell Seunghyun anything about himself, Jaejin disappears for hours and even days without saying where he's been. Jaejin plays the bass as often as he can, but he has no callouses on his fingers.
Seunghyun tries to accept it, tries to be okay with not knowing, tries to get rid of the uneasy feeling in his stomach every time Jaejin comes home late in the evening after having been gone all day.
And when Jaejin smiles at him and curls up next to him on the couch, it's tempting to just forget all the details and be pleased with the big picture.
"Why are you here?" Seunghyun asks. He can't help himself. He should've learned by now that questions are useless, but it doesn't stop him from asking them, time and time again.
Jaejin shrugs and shifts, leaning his head on Seunghyun's shoulder. "Because I'm supposed to be. For now. For a little while."
Seunghyun doesn't ask again.
Somewhere along the line, Jaejin's belongings get replaced by Seunghyun's. Jaejin's novels in English and poetry books in French disappear, leaving room for Seunghyun's comic books. Jaejin's jazz CDs vanish, but his rock CDs remain, being supplemented by the indie rock albums that Seunghyun buy by the dozens if nobody restrains him. Jaejin's part of the closet gets smaller and smaller until Seunghyun wonders just where Jaejin is hiding all his clothes.
It happens gradually, then suddenly. It's like falling in love, and Seunghyun doesn't see it happening until it's too late.
Not until he comes home from work only to find Jaejin in the living room with a packed bag, all traces of him wiped out of the apartment.
"Oh," Seunghyun says, and he walks past Jaejin, over to the window.
"I think you'll be okay without me," Jaejin says and shoulders his bag.
"You're leaving again, aren't you?" Seunghyun asks without looking at Jaejin. He has to admit that Jaejin has always been around when things were bad. He has to admit that things are better now, that he's actually looking forwards to the future, that he has plans and ideas and dreams, actual dreams.
He wonders if he should admit that Jaejin's at the center of most of them.
Jaejin sighs. "I've stayed for far too long already."
"It'll never be long enough," Seunghyun says stubbornly.
He still refuses to look at Jaejin, and he leans his forehead against the cold window when he hears the front door first open, then close.
--
Seunghyun is twenty-eight, and he's telling himself that he's forgotten everything about Jaejin.
He likes to believe that one day, it will be true.
Even if he knows that it won't be.
--
Seunghyun is turning thirty.
He's turning thirty and he got engaged three weeks ago. He's turning thirty and his friends and fiancée are throwing him a surprise party - he knows about it because Hongki could never keep a secret from anyone. He's turning thirty and he's living in a nice apartment and his job is nice and never boring. And he has a new cat, one that he's named Jinjin; he would have adopted at least twenty others by now, if it wasn't for the fact that his fiancée has made him promise not to.
He has a nice life, and he never knew that the word "nice" could be so unsatisfying. Seunghyun thinks that he should be happy, thinks that this is the kind of life he would've been ecstatic about having.
Seunghyun thinks he would be happy if there wasn't a piece missing.
The surprise party is no surprise, granted, but it is a success, and Seunghyun has fun, because he owes it to his friends. He drinks too much soju and dances too much and holds an impromptu speech that goes on for so long that Hongki tells him to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up because he's not making sense anyway. Which isn't that much of a change.
As the party is winding down and people are leaving, Seunghyun catches a glimpse of something, someone, disappearing out the side door. He swallows roughly, contemplates letting it go, but he already knows that he can't.
"Jaejin," he says, catching up to him easily. He's surprised that Jaejin doesn't try to run; less surprised that Jaejin's careful to keep his distance..
"I shouldn't have come," Jaejin says, backing away, hands in front of him like he's trying to keep Seunghyun away. "I shouldn't have, I know, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I wanted..."
"You wanted to see me happy," Seunghyun says. "For a change."
Jaejin tries a smile, but it comes out far less reassuring than it normally does. "Something like that, yeah."
Seunghyun takes a step closer, then another, and he captures Jaejin's hands in his own. Jaejin looks so small to him now, so young and innocent. He still looks like a slightly insolent, too-smart-for-his-own-good teenager, and Seunghyun knows that will never change. "You know I'll never be truly happy without you, right?"
Somehow, it sounds like a threat.
"Yes, you will," Jaejin says.
"You will be happy without me, because I was never the one making you happy," Jaejin says.
"We weren’t supposed to be together," Jaejin says.
"The things we did, we shouldn't have done them," Jaejin says.
"I got too close," Jaejin says.
"Goodbye," Jaejin says, and his voice cracks.
Seunghyun shakes his head and pulls Jaejin close, holds him, kisses him, tries to convince him to stay, that they should be together, always.
"That's not how it's meant to go," Jaejin says, an explanation that doesn't explain anything, and before Seunghyun can protest again, Jaejin pulls free and runs out of the room.
Seunghyun follows, but Jaejin is gone.
It's the story of Seunghyun's life, and he's starting to wonder how many times he can stand having his heart broken.
--
Seunghyun is thirty-two, and his daughter was just born.
As his wife sleeps, Seunghyun stands by the crib, watching the baby. He thinks she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen (Jaejin and his wife and guitars and cats included), and when he reaches out to touch her, she grabs his finger in a surprisingly strong grip.
Seunghyun feels like crying, and he does, for the first time in years.
He names her Jaehwa.
--
Seunghyun is forty-three.
He's having lunch at a small restaurant, not too far from his office. He has just hung up the phone after talking to his wife, reassuring her that he'll be home for dinner, that he won't work late tonight, even if managing the animal shelter is a rather round-the-clock kind of job. He has promised helping his oldest daughter with her homework, he has promised his son to come watch his football game, he has promised his youngest daughter to read her a goodnight story.
Seunghyun has obligations, Seunghyun has responsibilities, Seunghyun has people who rely on him and who would miss him if he wasn't around anymore, Seunghyun has many reasons to live.
Seunghyun is happy.
He never thought he would be, not after Jaejin left.
But he has come to learn that his heart is good at healing itself. He's come to learn that saying goodbye is as natural as saying hello. He has come to learn that he can love his wife with all his heart, even if he still loves Jaejin with all his heart as well. He has come to learn that dreams come true in strange ways. He has learned that things don't have to turn out exactly the way he wanted them to. he has learned that he can find happiness in small things.
And as he's sipping his coffee and watching the street, his heart skips a beat as he notices a boy kneeling on the sidewalk in front of a crying girl of maybe four or five. The boy wipes her tears and puts a bright blue band-aid on her scraped knee, before smoothing down her hair and giving her a hug. Seunghyun can't hear what he says, but he doesn't have to. Neither does he run out there to intervene, to stop it, to pull Jaejin back into his life.
Instead he just sits there, watching, catching a slight glimpse of Jaejin's face when he turns around and watches the girl catch up to her mother.
It's all that he needs; all it takes to remind him that Jaejin will always be there.
Seunghyun thinks that this, maybe this is how his life was supposed to turn out, all along. It's not a fairytale with a fairytale happy ending, but he doesn't need it to be.