Drifting Feathers (Falco dies)
Title: Drifting Feathers
Anon alias: Falco dies
Character(s)/Pairing (Fandom): Super Junior, Yewon
Clichés: High School AU
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 7866
Summary: Siwon runs away from home, and realises there are certain things you can't run from.
Warnings: None.
The alarm clock rings at 6:03am. Siwon sighs and buries himself deeper in the blankets, pressing down on his mattress with his feet as he stretches, then curls back into a tight foetal position. The alarm clock keeps ringing and reluctantly he forces himself awake, twisting to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. He wants to continue to sleep; tired of his mundane routine and his father’s expectations.
Choi Siwon is 16 years old and he has everything but he wants none of it.
He somehow arrives on time for school, sliding into his seat. The teacher takes attendance and then classes begin. Siwon spends his lessons staring into space, eyes glazed over, expression empty. He wishes the day would end, and it seems to go slower as if he's being punished for these thoughts. Donghae bounces up to him after school, Hyukjae on his heels, and asks him he'd like to play soccer with him and the others. Siwon declines, mumbles something about being tired and heads home. It begins to rain halfway, forcing him to run with his jersey pulled on the top of his head in a poor attempt at an umbrella. The streets shine with the sheen of water and the water is cool against his bare arms. His mother greets him as he enters, and he mumbles a reply, more concerned with getting his shoes off and going upstairs. He gets changed and then he kneels before his bed, crawling under it to pull out the small suitcase there. The other luggage he has is a small rucksack. He packs quickly, piling his life into the small containers then zips up the suitcase and pushes it back under the bed, shoving the rucksack next to it.
□ □ □
Today is the day it will change.
Siwon is making it change.
He pushes back the blankets and rolls out of bed, pulling on casual clothes, jeans and a t-shirt, and runs a hand through his hair, tying it back in a short ponytail. His footsteps are loud as he tries and fails to sneak down the stairs, and he hopes his parents are heavy sleepers. He pulls on his shoes and reaches for his rucksack, checking that he has all his tickets, money, maps.
Siwon leaves the house with his backpack and small suitcase. It's only just getting light outside and his movements are mechanical as he locks the door behind him and then walks to the bus stop. He waits for ten minutes until the right bus comes then scrabbles for change, handing it to the driver wordlessly. He sits at the back of the bus and looks at his feet. It's crowded and he's sat next to a fishy looking man in his forties, in an ill-fitted suit, terrible bowl cut. Siwon shifts in his seat trying to get as far away from the man as possible, clutching his luggage to him. His mother calls to ask where he is and the lie comes easily. He doesn't care if she believes him and hangs up with a curt goodbye. He deletes the contacts on his phone, then he pulls the battery out and shoves it back in his bag, reminding himself to throw it away later. He has everything he needs already written down.
Time crawls by as they drive out the city. His eyes slip close of their own accord and he buys some coke at the airport, downing it quickly. He's grateful when he finds himself on the plane, even more so when he reaches Taiwan. Siwon yawns. All his limbs feel heavy and it's hard to get comfortable as he takes the train for the last part of his journey. He's never travelled this far, not since he left Korea when he was 3 years old. And back then for a child, it's all an adventure. He doesn't even remember it any more.
Hours later and the sun is just dipping below the horizon when Siwon reaches his final destination. He's exhausted- limbs heavy and bags too heavy, slowing him down. He draws out the map in his pocket, studying it, trying to realize where he's supposed to be going.
He almost cries in relief when he finds the right house. He knocks on the door and it opens to reveal a lanky young man with platinum blond hair and chocolate colored eyes.
“Han Geng?” he says, unable to keep the excitement from his voice.
Han Geng stares at him, then he smiles. “You found your way OK?” He checks his watch and then steps aside to let Siwon in.
“Yes. Quite a trip though.”
Han Geng laughs. He follows him quietly into the house, dumping his bags in the hall. Han Geng retreats into the kitchen to make him something to eat. Siwon drags his feet as he follows, falling heavily into one of the seats round the kitchen table.
Han Geng's house is nothing compared to the one Siwon left behind. His mother would refuse to stay in a place like it, would probably not allow him to stay in a place like it. But no matter how small it is tidy, everything where is belongs and no clutter. There's hardly anything personal about it apart from two pictures stuck to the fridge. Han Geng sits opposite him. “Fried rice” he says, pushing across a bowl for Siwon. Siwon eats a large spoonful. “It's great” he replies.
Han Geng listens patiently as he rambles on about the journey. It's late though and they go to bed soon after eating. Han Geng shows him the spare room and helps him with his bag then closes the door, leaving him alone. There's a towel and some soap laid out on the end of the bed, and a tiny en-suite bathroom. It's cold, and so is the water, but it's amazing. He can still smell the stale air of the bus, of the air plane, and he feels dirty, as if that air has seeped into his skin and contaminated him. He scrubs hard, yet careful not to press down on the bruises that spread across his skin.
He goes to bed and lies awake for hours, too exhausted too sleep. His mind is full of old memories. He wonders if his parents have realised yet, how they are reacting. If they are reacting.
His father is a proud man. A great, intelligent man and a successful businessman. A terrible father who treated him more like a business associate than a child. Siwon had to bargain for his love and never quite succeeded. His mother has always been on the sidelines. She valued her independence, a driven business woman who when she isn't at work is out with her girlfriends or taking evening classes in new languages or cooking or computing. She enjoyed learning, enjoyed pushing herself. Siwon always thought that she would fall apart if she just stopped for one second and relaxed. Hate is too strong a word, but he can't stand being around his parents. He couldn't grow in such a stifling environment.
Siwon reassures himself he's made the right decision and falls into uneasy sleep.
□ □ □
Han Geng wakes him up at 6 the next morning. They go for an early morning run at a local park and when they return Han Geng cooks breakfast, humming under his breath. Siwon wraps his arms around Han Geng's waist, leans his chin on his shoulder and drapes himself over the the other man. Han Geng clutches Siwon's hand for a second and then shakes him off.
“I have to work today but you're welcome to explore by yourself.” he says over breakfast.“Just make sure you're back by 11:00pm please.”
Siwon nods and they eat in silence. Han Geng leaves soon after, leaving him alone in the house. He trawls through the Internet for local attractions, and for the school he's transferred to. He prints out more maps and packs some lunch then heads outside. He walks slowly, map crumpled in his hand, making it painfully obvious he is one hundred percent unsure of where he is going. After several detours through bland streets, he somehow arrives at the school. He folds the map away into his top pocket and wanders into the school grounds. It's eerily silent. He quickens his pace and finally he's inside. Except he has no idea where to go. He turns on the spot and then turns right. The bell goes then, and the students spill out of their respective classrooms, heading towards their next lessons. He corners a young girl, smiles at her and hopes for the best. She and her friends show him to the office, giggling and flirting with him and he doesn't bother acting coy in return. He knows he is good looking and how to use it to his advantage.
After visiting the school he wanders around town, getting lost in his thoughts, trying to pick apart the unfamiliar streets.
He feels proud when he returns home. He washes the dishes from last night and sets about making supper. Han Geng smiles at him when he comes home. They watch TV quietly together, cramped onto Han Geng's small sofa.
□ □ □
Siwon adjusts his uniform as he begins the long walk to his new school. It's not sunny but it's hot, heat clinging to his skin, making him feel sticky and even more uncomfortable then he already does. He is unable to stop worrying. If there was one thing about his old life he both liked and hated it was the routine. There was a certain safety to be found within it. This is all new. He can do this, he knows, that doesn't mean he isn't afraid. It's good this fear, he reminds himself.
For the first time in years he feels in control of his own life.
He enters his new classroom just as the bell rings. Immediately people turn to stare, leaning towards their neighbours and whispering to each other. Siwon just smiles. The teacher introduces him and he bows, not giving much of a greeting. The classroom is average- wooden desks in neat rows, large glass windows to his right looking out over the fields and to his left, out to the corridor. Bland posters and notices reminding students of various rules are stuck to noticeboards: both of which have seen better days.
He hurries to his assigned seat, sitting down and smiling at the boy sitting next to him. The sunlight catches in the boys long dark hair, running over the contours of his face. He's beautiful. Siwon bows slightly in his seat to greet him and the boy smiles back. There's no determination is his gaze, no warmth in his smile. He seems exhausted. They exchange names and then the boy turns away, looking out into the grey sky. Siwon continues to watch him until the girl in front twists round and demands his attention. “I was the one you met before!” she whispers too loudly as she leans over his desk, pretty and delicate with light chestnut hair and cute youthful features. They chatter in the moments between classes and she even offers to eat lunch with him.
Siwon refuses, ignoring the look of surprise she gives him and takes his meal to sit in the desk in front of the boy. Yi Sheng seems startled but he smiles and they share pizza and coke. Through longer introductions they realise they are both Korean, though Siwon has not been back since he was small and Yi Sheng (Yesung) has lived in Taiwan all his life. They try to start a conversation in the little Korean they know, only to laugh in embarrassment when they find they don't know much at all. Yesung asks him about Beijing, inviting him to chatter on about his old school and friends and anything he can think of. Yesung gives all the right responses, but no matter how many questions he slips in he can't get Yesung to say anything more about himself. He's not unfriendly but he's distant, constantly fidgeting, quietly biting his nails, glancing out the window or running a hand over his watch. As if he's counting down the minutes.
It's a little awkward.
He is almost relieved when the bell rings. They clean up then return to their seats for afternoon lessons. Siwon makes sure to concentrate and take notes, do the assigned questions. He won't allow himself to fall into the same habits he had back in Beijing.
□ □ □
Days slip by, unhurried and humid as ever. Siwon integrates into his new school easily- becoming popular without even trying. He makes friends with the girl who sits in front of him, Nicole, and she introduces him to her friends who introduce him to their friends and boyfriends and acquaintances and so on. They are terrible gossips and he finds out a lot about everyone and everything through them without even asking. They're friendly though, and they accept him into their circle as if he's always been there.
Compared to him, Yesung is a loner. He doesn't speak during lessons and even the teachers seem to have given up on him, never noticing as he lies slouched on his desk or when he's obviously not listening, staring out the window instead. In P.E Yesung all but disappears and no one says a word.
Sometimes Siwon sees the other boys interact with him but it's a less than friendly manner. Nicole tells Siwon to avoid Yesung, whispering to him that Yesung works at a club, emphasizing the word as if it's something filthy. Siwon gets it, but he pretends he doesn't.
"They don't like me because I was friends with Heechul." Yesung says when he asked about it. Siwon isn't sure if he believes him but he nods.
They're up on the roof sharing lunch. Siwon had lied to his friends that he was studying alone, though he doesn't tell Yesung that. “Things were different then” Yesung explains. “I used to have my own circle of friends once. We were close and nobody bothered us.” Siwon continues to nod along. He understands in his own way. Back in Beijing he wasn't as popular as he found himself here. He had a small group of friends actually, and they mainly kept to themselves. Him, Donghae, Hyukjae and Sungmin had stuck together for years, until now of course. He didn't want to leave them behind but he had to. Yesung continues to ramble, telling him about how Heechul and Jungsoo moved to Korea and everyone else also graduated without him. "Why didn't you graduate with them?" Siwon asks. "I was in an accident." Yesung replies but doesn't elaborate. "Now I'm older than everyone and I used to hang out with Heechul. They're all scared of me." he seems to be convincing himself. Siwon nods along, not wanting to disappoint him with the truth.
He contemplates phoning Donghae, but he's already persuaded himself not to by the time he gets home. Anyway, he has a lot to tell Han Geng as they eat whilst watching TV. Han Geng seems happy for him, listens attentively. Siwon snuggles closer, and maybe he falls asleep. But when he wakes up he's in his own room. He rolls out of bed and catches his reflection in the mirror. He twists, pulling up his t-shirt and cranes his neck to see his back.
The bruises are finally beginning to fade, and they don't hurt as much when he presses down. Though he'll always have the scars to remind him of what was.
□ □ □
He phones Donghae eventually. Donghae demands to know where he is, and he can hear Sungmin and Hyukjae in the background. He can imagine them hanging out at the small café they used to frequent together back in Beijing. The walls were bright red and the tables white. They'd sit at the table right by the window so they could watch pedestrians outside. Zhou Mi served the best coffee. He can taste it on his tongue, hot and bitter with a trace of sugar. They'd gather there after school, have drinks and chat for hours or do work. He feels guilty towards his old friends; he was always so moody with them, taking out his frustrations on them. He apologises now, tells them he loves them and he's sorry. Donghae laughs it off, says it's OK and that they are there whenever he's ready to talk. He says it in the way that makes it clear he wants to know why right now, but Siwon can't bring himself to tell the truth.
It's just like it used to be. Donghae is as hyper as ever and he chatters about all the things Siwon is missing. Siwon can hear what he's not saying, come back home but he acts as if he doesn't. He tells him about his new school and his new friends, though he's careful not to give away his location.
“You sound really happy” Donghae remarks softly. Siwon hums in agreement. He is happy with the way things are, he tells himself.
He phones Nicole and asks if there's anything going on tonight. There usually is on a Saturday. They end up on the train heading to Taipei after school in the morning. They go shopping and see a movie and he barely arrives home in time. 11:00pm by his watch, but 11:06pm by Han Gengs. It's the first time Han Geng gets angry with him. Siwon vows to never repeat it, though secretly it was all a little thrilling. He's breaking the rules in a way he never would have before. It's just like he wanted.
He is happier, but he's not happy. He tells himself he's fine now, but he still feels empty.
It's frustrating how this hasn't changed.
□ □ □
Sunday afternoon and he heads out to the beach after work, needing the fresh air. He pulls off his shoes, letting his feet sink into the sand. It's still hot, but the sky is clearer today. It shouldn't rain. Of all people to see he realises that Yesung is here, gazing out across the water, clutching his mp3 player and mouthing along. He settles down beside him. Yesung offers him half of his earphones and they listen to music quietly. He watches Yesung out of the corner of his eye. His hair falls across his eyes and his expression is guarded. His shirt is open just a little too much, showing slight muscle and suspicious bruises along his collarbone.
“Why do you do it Yesung?” Siwon asks. He hasn't even thought about it, but somehow the question slips of his tongue before he can stop it. “The club.”
“Money.” Yesung replies. “The Hospital bills, school fees for me and my brother, sometimes rent.”
“What about your mother?”
Yesung gives him a incredulous look. “She spends all her money on alcohol and pretty designer dresses to impress her latest boyfriend, or boyfriends. Who knows what she is up to.” He shrugs.
Siwon thinks about his old life, and the luxury he lived in. He can't imagine what Yesung's situation is like, so he doesn't try. He just accepts it, and politely shuts up about it. The sky begins to darken and they head back to town. They stop at the nearest convenience store and Siwon buys them ice cream, the coldness sending welcome shivers down their spines. Yesung is smiling now but his smile is hollow, as if there is a small part of him that is not quite there.
He walks Yesung home only to find he's been led to a rowdy bar. The neon sign flickers and he can hear the talk and laughter, the clink of glasses, and too-loud music playing just standing outside. Yesung invites him in but he can only shake his head, mumbling something about having to get home. He doesn't miss the disappointment in Yesung's eyes as he bids him goodnight.
□ □ □
He meets Yesung at the beach every Sunday night after he's finished work. They'll have dinner together before they go their separate ways. Yesung shows him to all his favourite places, more familiar with the town than Siwon thinks he'll ever be.
Today they are at a tiny little Korean restaurant near the beach. It's raining. Thick, heavy summer rain. Yesung huddles in his thick jacket, sopping wet and cold, glaring at nothing in particular. Siwon peels away his jacket and is thankful to discover he's only partly damp underneath. He squirms in his seat, the sensation of wet jeans clinging to his thighs not entirely pleasant. He wishes he wore something more sensible (less clingy even when dry) and wonders who he was trying to impress.
They chatter about school and work, the usual things. Yesung is quieter than usual though, distant like when they first met. They eat in silence.
The rain doesn't let up and they can't leave as early as they usually would. As the sky darkens the conversation turns. Yesung finally seems to have relaxed. He's finally taken off his coat and he leans over the table, hands layed out infront of him. Siwon leans across the table, hand grazing across Yesung's. He finds himself telling Yesung more about himself, revealing he ran away from home because of his father. “I've always wanted to do it. And then I met Han Geng. He offered me a place to stay and I took it.” Siwon says. Yesung tells him about Heechul who was like a brother to him but moved to Korea a year ago. He has talked about Heechul before, and Korea too. Sometimes he'll mention a Jungsoo and Jaejoong too. (Though Yesung always pauses after he mentions Jaejoong and quickly brushes over it like a mistake, changing subject or laughing.) It isn't hard to see how much these people mean to Yesung. Yesung confesses now, somewhat shy and unsure of himself, that he wants to go back to Korea. Siwon thinks about his home country and he cannot bring himself to feel the same longing towards it. He wonders too if Yesung wants to go to Korea, or if he wants to be with Heechul and why that thought makes him feel uncomfortable.
Yesung looks out the window and sighs. Siwon follows his gaze. It's grim outside, rain falling so thick they can barely see anything. Yesung's place is closer so they agree to make a run for it. He borrows the restaurant phone, calling Han Geng at work to tell him he won't be coming back tonight.
Yesung sneaks Siwon in through the back entrance, so they don't have to go through the bar. He holds open the door for Siwon and holds a finger to his lips. “My mother” he whispers. Yesung's house is small and cluttered compared to Han Geng's. He doesn't have much of a chance to look around as Yesung is pushing him into his room. His room is messy and filled to the brim with all sorts of nick knacks. He walks over to a pile of clothes near his bed and pulls out a t-shirt and sweatpants, proceeds to throw them at Siwon. Siwon catches them and stares dumbly, unsure of what to do. Yesung continues to potter about searching for a towel and then Siwon finds himself guided to the bathroom. “Be quick OK?” Yesung whispers and shuts the door behind him as he leaves.
Siwon feels much better after a hot shower. He squeezes himself into Yesung's clothes. The top is fine, but the pants are too short. He smiles to himself and rolls them up a little more so Yesung won't be offended (he's older after all). He lets himself back into Yesung's room. Yesung showers and then they set themselves up on the floor with their books scattered around them, music playing softly in the background.
Yesung goes to bed first. Siwon struggles to finish his last math problem and then snuggles up beside him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close. Yesung squirms in his grip and Siwon realises belatedly he was only pretending to sleep, and shuffles away.
When he wakes he is lying flat on stomach and Yesung is curled up on his side, staring at him.
“What?” he mumbles.
“Those scars on your back- where are they from?”
“My dad.” Siwon mumbles into the pillow, struggling to wake up. He wonders how long Yesung has been watching him, waiting for him to wake up. Wonders how he even saw them. He shifts, feels the cotton of the bedsheets on his stomach and realises his shirt has ridden up. Oh. “He was pretty docile usually” Siwon says, too sleepy to bother covering the truth. His voice is still raspy and he coughs. “But when he did get angry, he lost it completely.”
“What did you do?”
“Ridiculous things. I don't remember much.” he frowns and thinks. “Once I auditioned for a modelling job. I thought it would be good money and fun you know?” Siwon pauses, blinks, gathers his thoughts together as he wakes up. “Umm...well, they were supposed to email me but they sent a letter. Dad saw it. Got mad at me, told me not to waste my time with things like that. Oh, and that time I confessed to my first love. Not only did I get rejected but my dad saw me kiss him. He beat me and threw me out the house, not wanting to see me. He really went crazy when he got mad. ” Siwon laughs, a hollow sound without feeling. “Thankfully he didn't get mad often.”
Yesung nods, and twists to lie on his back. “I can't really remember my dad. He left soon after my brother was born. I think he was a good father though. It's my mothers fault he left. ”
Siwon turns his head to look at him and wonders if he slept at all. His hair is messy and there's dark rings under his eyes. He looks so vulnerable. Siwon reaches across the small gap between them for his hand. Yesung doesn't pull away.
□ □ □
For his 17th birthday Siwon decides to do something special. He steals Yesung's textbook and writes in the margin Meet you on the roof at lunchtime as Yesung watches. Yesung nods. Siwon pushes his textbook back and Nicole arrives. He doesn't realise that Yesung is still watching him through the reflection on the window. He heads up the roof at lunchtime as promised. Yesung is there, sat cross legged on the concrete with a book in one hand and a cigarette in another. Despite his protests Siwon drags him out of school (“Since when have you cared about skipping school Yesung?”). He shouldn't be doing this. He's not like this, but he didn't run away to live the same life as he did in Beijing. He grew tired of the same boring routine years ago.
“Lets go somewhere. Let's go to Taipei” Siwon announces, pulling Yesung towards the station. He pays for their tickets and they board the train with only a minute to spare, breathing heavily from the run. Yesung sinks down into his seat, leaning away from him and looking out the window. Siwon wraps an arm around his shoulder and leans on him, using his free hand to hold onto his, squeezing gently. "It was my birthday a few days ago. So think of this as a present for me OK?" he whispers into Yesung's ear. Yesung looks at him for the first time and just gives a small, secretive smile before he turns away.
They stroll through the streets of Taipei, walking close, hands brushing across each other. He takes him to the aquarium and they press themselves up against the glass, palms flat, smiling widely. He's never seen Yesung so loud and confident, and completely hyper. Siwon can only laugh helplessly at some of the ridiculous things he comes out with, and Yesung fakes anger in response. They joke around, being obnoxious to the other visitors as they talk just a little too loudly.
Yesung's smile is wonderful. It's nice to see him so happy.
They reach an empty corner. In the dim light he turns Yesung to face him and kisses him, softly, trying not demand too much. Yesung doesn't respond and Siwon panics, wondering if he's doing it wrong or he doesn't want to and quickly pulls away, ready to apologise. Yesung shifts, wrapping his arms around Siwon's neck to pull him down. Siwon kisses him again, biting down on his lower lip, hands rested on his hips. Hearing people approaching they pull away guilty.
Siwon wraps an arm around Yesung as they walk to the station. Yesung leans heavily on him, wrapping an arm around Siwon's waist. It's a little awkward but it's right all at once.
He drops Yesung off at home, saying goodbye with a quick hug. He's unable to stop smiling as he unlocks the door to his house, calling out to Han Geng. Han Geng gives him a knowing look. They sit out on the balcony with glasses of coke filled to the brim with ice, sticky summer air wrapping itself around them. They're down to their bare chests, laying down on a mound of cushions each. They're both ridiculously relaxed, high from too much sugar and caffeine. They stay up until late, just talking. Siwon tells Han Geng all about his new boyfriend, how they met to their first date today. Han Geng disapproves of his choice, but he is happy for him nonetheless.
“I think I'm falling for him.” Siwon says.
Han Geng warns him to “Be careful.”
□ □ □
They are studying together at Yesung's house, as they have taken to, when there is a knock on Yesung's bedroom door and a younger boy enters. “Yesung, can you help me with this homework?” he begins and then he stops dead, looking suspiciously at Siwon.
“Siwon, this is my younger brother Jongjin. Jongjin, this is my boyfriend, Siwon.”
His brother nods and they shake hands. “You don't mind me joining you?”
Siwon shakes his head. He shifts over so Jongjin can fit in the limited space in Yesung's room. Yesung is surprisingly gentle to those he likes, and he goes through his brothers work with patience. For someone who sleeps through most of his lessons Yesung is intelligent, but Siwon knows by now it's just because he works hard at home. Due to his job Yesung sleeps during the day and only wakes up in the afternoons, making school a pointless exercise for him. He goes to keep up appearances, so he has some kind of attendance rate that won't get him kicked out. The teachers say nothing because his grades are some of the highest in the class.
(“Someone important to me told me to do well.” is all Yesung will ever say on the matter, and Siwon can't bring himself to pry when Yesung looks so stricken.)
Jongjin becomes involved in his work and Siwon leans across to Yesung, whispering to him. “That's the first time you've acknowledged out relationship.” he grins widely at him.
“Siwon.”
“Yes?”
“Shut up.”
“Right.” Siwon says, and leans away back to his books.
It's raining again and so Siwon stays a little later, ending up cooking dinner for Yesung and his brother. “I like him” Jongjin says. “You should keep him.”
Yesung kicks him in the shin and tells him to concentrate on eating.
□ □ □
Siwon arrives at Yesung's house in his best shirt and a box of chocolates. He paces outside for a moment, trying to be less nervous.
They lie side by side on Yesung's bed. Siwon steals from the box of chocolates he bought and reads as Yesung begins to doze off. He feels the bed shift and opens his eyes to meet Yesung's. He reaches up, cupping Yesung's face with his hand (trying not to shake too much). They lean closer and then they kiss. He pushes Yesung down onto his back. Yesung doesn't say no, just stares at him expectantly. It's the first time for Siwon and he's clumsy, unsure of himself. He ends up laughing into the crook of Yesung's neck, nerves getting the best of him. Yesung pushes him away, and he takes the lead. Siwon's laughter dissolves as Yesung guides him.
They lie side by side afterwards, breathing heavily. Siwon feels tired and a little embarrassed. Yesung isn't looking at him, instead he's curled on his side, away from him. He's not sure what to say now. Yesung seems to be avoiding his gaze. Siwon feels the need to apologise for what happened (or rather how it happened) and so he does. Yesung reassures him it's fine as he turns to him, shifting onto his other side.
"This is weird" he says.
"Why?"
"I'm not used to being in a relationship. If that is what this."
"Yesung, it's OK."
"This is weird." he repeats. "I feel like you should leave and never come back. But I want you to stay."
"It's OK. I want to stay too." Siwon repeats and reaches out to push Yesung's hair out of his face and kiss his cheek. Yesung sighs, eyes fluttering closed. Siwon can't help but feel there's something he's missing, and it's strange that he feels lonely when Yesung is right there.
He pushes it out of his mind and grins at Yesung when he sees him at school the next day, before Nicole arrives and steals his attention. Yesung frowns and turns away. Lessons drag on forever and Siwon is tempted to curl up and sleep. He's tired. Yesung smiles at him knowingly and Siwon hits him lightly on the arm. He wants to talk to him but Yesung sneaks off at lunchtime, and brushes him off in lessons. But then after school Yesung runs up to him, dragging him home with him again and Siwon has already forgotten what he wanted to say.
He's a little later for school the next day. He slides open the door to classroom and is ambushed by his friends. They guide him to his seat and then sit around him. "Who is she?" they ask him. His eyes widen and he shakes his head, holding out his hands in absolute denial. They begin to list all the reasons for why Siwon is obviously dating someone, and Siwon remembers that they are gossips for a reason. They have eyes and ears everywhere and scary intuition. He can see Yesung smiling out of the corner of his eye. Yesung turns in his seat, leaning back on the window with a smug smile on his face. "Really- who is she?" he repeats. "I think you'd know her very well" Siwon replies. Two can play at this game. The girls watch fixated, recording every little detail in their minds. Yesung leans forward, resting his hands on Siwon's knees. The girls gasp, the rest of the class begins to look. Yesung kisses him and then leans back on the window with a satisfied smirk. "Definitely not a she" he remarks.
Siwon noticed than just how many people are watching. His classmates stare and then they turn and they whisper to each other, not at all subtle. He feels embarrassed, and hopes his perfect reputation hasn't just fallen apart.
One of the boys saunters up to Yesung, looks down at him as he teases him. How can a whore like you have a boyfriend? They have everyone's attention now. Yesung stands and exits the classroom without saying a word. Siwon follows, finding him sat in one of the music rooms. He's sat before the piano, staring down at the keys without really seeing them. Siwon sits next to him, close as he can without physically sitting on him. He picks up one of Yesung's hands and plays with his fingers. Such small hands, he places his palm against Yesung's and marvels at the difference. Yesung is looking at him strangely so he stops, loosely holding his hand.
They sit side by side in perfect silence. They can hear faintly the noise of distant lessons, and shouting from the playing fields.
"Are you ashamed of me? " Yesung asks. “Are you really OK with this? With what I do?”
Siwon is unable to answer. He hasn't really thought about it much, too caught up in his own feelings. If he thinks on it now he isn't OK with it, but he wants to be together- so that makes him fine?
He holds Yesung's hand tighter. “It's OK” he says, a little too late.
Yesung slumps in his seat, leaning against Siwon's shoulder. He closes his eyes and he begins to sing softly under his breath, the longing in his voice almost tangible that it is painful to listen to. Siwon can tell he is hurting and he's powerless to help. There's a part of Yesung's life he'll never know, a part of Yesung closed off to him. He realises then that he doesn't truly know Yesung at all.
□ □ □
Their relationship remains secret really. They've never spoken much at school and it remains that way. They mainly meet in absolute secrecy, Yesung's tiny room becoming their refuge. Their relationship never grows, becomes stale with the weight of the truth that lies outside Yesung's bedroom, all the worries and insecurities they leave strewn on the floor with their clothes.
They pretend that nothings wrong.
□ □ □
He emails Donghae, and after much thought he gives him his address, asking him not to tell his parents. He has to trust him. Mainly he just wants to see him.
Donghae visits during the holidays, after they've all graduated. With him are Hyukjae and Sungmin. They demand to meet his friends and see Taiwan. They don't resent him at all and he again feels guilty. Old memories worm up from deep inside his heart, and he wonders if he should tell them everything, about his dad and why he ran and that he's sorry for being so horrible to them those last few years, that he hopes they understand it isn't because of them. But he stays silent, brushing over the issue as he welcomes them into his new life.
Han Geng is overjoyed to meet them and cooks up a feast. Siwon takes Donghae to the movie shop to rent out a film. Donghae's hand still fits perfectly in his, and his smile still makes Siwon's heart skip a beat. Sungmin comes running out the house when they return and pulls Donghae into a tight hug, and Siwon remembers why he wasn't in love with Donghae. He wasn't allowed to be. Somehow, it doesn't hurt like it used to. They cram onto the sofa in the living room and the movie plays but they spend most of it talking; everyone has so much to say.
Donghae falls asleep on his shoulder and Siwon can't help but let his head rest on top of his, thinking for the first time about all the what ifs that used to plague his mind. Always so many questions, he'd always had so many questions going through his mind. He links hands with Donghae, pulling him closer.
The next day he brings them to meet his friends and they fit into the group easily.
He wishes Yesung could be there.
On the third night they become caught up playing games with Han Geng and Siwon sneaks out the house. He buys some flowers and heads to Yesung's house. He stands outside gathering his courage and then he knocks. Jongjin answers, and then leaves him to his own devices. He shuts the door behind him and slips off his shoes then makes his way to the kitchen, finding an old coke bottle to serve as a vase. Carefully holding the flowers he goes to Yesung's room. He knocks and then enters. Yesung is sleeping, radio playing softly in the background. He places the flowers on the desk and steps over to sit on the edge of his bed. Yesung curls away from him, as if he knows he's there even though he's asleep. He wanted to drag Yesung back to Han Geng's but he doesn't want to wake him. He looks so peaceful.
Lying on the bed is a photo frame. The room is dark, the street light from outside providing a dim light that doesn't quite get through the curtains. He picks it up and tries to see through the darkness. Yesung has his arm thrown another boy and they are both laughing. They both look so happy, laughing at something he'll never know. He places the photo on Yesung's bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed.
He presses a hand to Yesung back, watching him sleep for a little while. "I love you. " he says, not caring that Yesung can't hear him. "I wish that was enough."
He stands up and pulls the blankets up around Yesung, tucking him in. He knows he can't stay.
Donghae and Hyukjae asks him millions of questions when he gets back and he avoids them all, leading them to think he has a girlfriend he's hiding from them. He denies it laughing and they let up eventually. Han Geng gives him a questioning look and he shrugs, not sure why himself why he didn't want them to know.
He finds himself back in Beijing for the second part of his holidays, sleeping on Sungmin's couch. (He still refuses to go home.) Being with them, living the better parts of his old life, he realises just how much he missed the city. He thinks back to conversations with Yesung on home, and Korea. He does long to go home, to Beijing, he realises as he looks out across the clouds on the plane back.
He wonders if there's anything keeping him in Taiwan any more.
□ □ □
8:00pm. The Beach. Meet me there please? I have something important to tell you
He slips the note through Yesung's door.
Yesung comes. They sit on the beach in the twilight.
“I'm going back to Beijing” Siwon says.
Yesung's stares at him. “What's wrong with Taipei?”
“Nothing. But I love Beijing, and I want to go back.” Siwon twists to face Yesung. He wants to ask him to come with him, a desperate part of himself thinks that Beijing could fix them, but he knows Yesung would never agree. “OK” Yesung stands and brushes the sand from his clothes.
And that is how it ends. It's anticlimactic really. There's no huge fight or misunderstandings. They've just naturally drifted apart and there's nothing he can do any more. He still wonders if he should stay here, if it's even possible to leave Yesung behind.
Siwon squishes next to Han Geng on their tiny sofa, pulling him into a tight embrace. "I really loved him." He whispers, burying himself in Han Geng's chest.
Han Geng returns the hug, in a rare display of affection for him. "I know." he says. “I know.”
They don't say anything more. They spend the night watching ridiculous action movies, eating ramen for supper and too many snacks afterwards. Siwon stays close to Han Geng, needing the skin contact and in the end falls asleep on Han Geng's shoulder, his fingers tangled in his hair.
□ □ □
It takes courage to go back to the place you left behind. Siwon knows he's made the right decision when he reaches Beijing and he sees Donghae and Sungmin waiting at the airport for him, holding a garish banner with his name written in dodgy Hangul. They run to him and he hugs them, laughing for no reason other than he's really so happy to see them, to be there. He stays with Sungmin for the first week back in the city, and they spend it freely, catching up, spending too much money going out. Eventually he gets himself his own apartment near the university. He never goes back to his family, but that's OK. It's a big city, it's not like they're about to bump into each other and he doesn't miss them. It's good being back here (without them).
He doesn't miss Taiwan much either, and although he misses Han Geng they go back to their old ways of communicating, an elaborate network of email, phone and MSN.
He misses Yesung, even if he knows he shouldn't. It's a dull ache that never quite goes away. Many times he finds himself on the verge of calling Yesung, writing out emails that never get sent and letters which get balled up and thrown away. He goes out and tries to start other relationships but it never ends well. He tries, but maybe he's trying too hard because they still complain that he's distant and his affection forced.
He works hard, putting his all into his university degree and working at a restaurant close to his apartment so he doesn't have to over think things. The pieces are finally coming together and he can see more clearly the bigger picture. He will be happy, he'll make himself happy.
□ □ □
About two years after he left Taiwan, he gets a letter in the mail. It's from Yesung. He tears open the envelope and a photo falls out first. Yesung is alone but the picture is not self taken. He's smiling wide so his eyes narrow and disappear. He pulls out the letter. It's short, to the point. Yesung is in Seoul now, studying in a university there. He talks about learning Korean, the friends he's made, his course.
Seeing the shadow of words on the other side Siwon turns the paper round.
On the back of the paper, he tells Siwon that he loves him and that he's sorry. He says he hopes Siwon is happy and draws a little smiley face afterwards. Siwon bites down on his lower lip, trying to imagine how Yesung felt writing this. He sounds happy, happier than he ever was back in Taiwan. (Happier than he ever was with him.) He wonders if Yesung still thinks of him like he does. Even though so much time has passed it still feels like yesterday when Yesung walked away.
Siwon moves the letter to the side and continues to get ready for work. He pauses at the doorway, one shoe on and one shoe off and then runs back to his room, sifting through his school stuff. A bunch of leaflets fall out about studying abroad. He was going to go to Tokyo university but learning Japanese can wait. Right now Korea university looks much more appealing. The idea takes seed and blossoms. The final piece of the puzzle. He's really going to go to Korea, he realises and grips the leaflets tighter. He's going to where Yesung is.
Hopefully it's not too late.
Anon alias: Falco dies
Character(s)/Pairing (Fandom): Super Junior, Yewon
Clichés: High School AU
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 7866
Summary: Siwon runs away from home, and realises there are certain things you can't run from.
Warnings: None.
The alarm clock rings at 6:03am. Siwon sighs and buries himself deeper in the blankets, pressing down on his mattress with his feet as he stretches, then curls back into a tight foetal position. The alarm clock keeps ringing and reluctantly he forces himself awake, twisting to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. He wants to continue to sleep; tired of his mundane routine and his father’s expectations.
Choi Siwon is 16 years old and he has everything but he wants none of it.
He somehow arrives on time for school, sliding into his seat. The teacher takes attendance and then classes begin. Siwon spends his lessons staring into space, eyes glazed over, expression empty. He wishes the day would end, and it seems to go slower as if he's being punished for these thoughts. Donghae bounces up to him after school, Hyukjae on his heels, and asks him he'd like to play soccer with him and the others. Siwon declines, mumbles something about being tired and heads home. It begins to rain halfway, forcing him to run with his jersey pulled on the top of his head in a poor attempt at an umbrella. The streets shine with the sheen of water and the water is cool against his bare arms. His mother greets him as he enters, and he mumbles a reply, more concerned with getting his shoes off and going upstairs. He gets changed and then he kneels before his bed, crawling under it to pull out the small suitcase there. The other luggage he has is a small rucksack. He packs quickly, piling his life into the small containers then zips up the suitcase and pushes it back under the bed, shoving the rucksack next to it.
□ □ □
Today is the day it will change.
Siwon is making it change.
He pushes back the blankets and rolls out of bed, pulling on casual clothes, jeans and a t-shirt, and runs a hand through his hair, tying it back in a short ponytail. His footsteps are loud as he tries and fails to sneak down the stairs, and he hopes his parents are heavy sleepers. He pulls on his shoes and reaches for his rucksack, checking that he has all his tickets, money, maps.
Siwon leaves the house with his backpack and small suitcase. It's only just getting light outside and his movements are mechanical as he locks the door behind him and then walks to the bus stop. He waits for ten minutes until the right bus comes then scrabbles for change, handing it to the driver wordlessly. He sits at the back of the bus and looks at his feet. It's crowded and he's sat next to a fishy looking man in his forties, in an ill-fitted suit, terrible bowl cut. Siwon shifts in his seat trying to get as far away from the man as possible, clutching his luggage to him. His mother calls to ask where he is and the lie comes easily. He doesn't care if she believes him and hangs up with a curt goodbye. He deletes the contacts on his phone, then he pulls the battery out and shoves it back in his bag, reminding himself to throw it away later. He has everything he needs already written down.
Time crawls by as they drive out the city. His eyes slip close of their own accord and he buys some coke at the airport, downing it quickly. He's grateful when he finds himself on the plane, even more so when he reaches Taiwan. Siwon yawns. All his limbs feel heavy and it's hard to get comfortable as he takes the train for the last part of his journey. He's never travelled this far, not since he left Korea when he was 3 years old. And back then for a child, it's all an adventure. He doesn't even remember it any more.
Hours later and the sun is just dipping below the horizon when Siwon reaches his final destination. He's exhausted- limbs heavy and bags too heavy, slowing him down. He draws out the map in his pocket, studying it, trying to realize where he's supposed to be going.
He almost cries in relief when he finds the right house. He knocks on the door and it opens to reveal a lanky young man with platinum blond hair and chocolate colored eyes.
“Han Geng?” he says, unable to keep the excitement from his voice.
Han Geng stares at him, then he smiles. “You found your way OK?” He checks his watch and then steps aside to let Siwon in.
“Yes. Quite a trip though.”
Han Geng laughs. He follows him quietly into the house, dumping his bags in the hall. Han Geng retreats into the kitchen to make him something to eat. Siwon drags his feet as he follows, falling heavily into one of the seats round the kitchen table.
Han Geng's house is nothing compared to the one Siwon left behind. His mother would refuse to stay in a place like it, would probably not allow him to stay in a place like it. But no matter how small it is tidy, everything where is belongs and no clutter. There's hardly anything personal about it apart from two pictures stuck to the fridge. Han Geng sits opposite him. “Fried rice” he says, pushing across a bowl for Siwon. Siwon eats a large spoonful. “It's great” he replies.
Han Geng listens patiently as he rambles on about the journey. It's late though and they go to bed soon after eating. Han Geng shows him the spare room and helps him with his bag then closes the door, leaving him alone. There's a towel and some soap laid out on the end of the bed, and a tiny en-suite bathroom. It's cold, and so is the water, but it's amazing. He can still smell the stale air of the bus, of the air plane, and he feels dirty, as if that air has seeped into his skin and contaminated him. He scrubs hard, yet careful not to press down on the bruises that spread across his skin.
He goes to bed and lies awake for hours, too exhausted too sleep. His mind is full of old memories. He wonders if his parents have realised yet, how they are reacting. If they are reacting.
His father is a proud man. A great, intelligent man and a successful businessman. A terrible father who treated him more like a business associate than a child. Siwon had to bargain for his love and never quite succeeded. His mother has always been on the sidelines. She valued her independence, a driven business woman who when she isn't at work is out with her girlfriends or taking evening classes in new languages or cooking or computing. She enjoyed learning, enjoyed pushing herself. Siwon always thought that she would fall apart if she just stopped for one second and relaxed. Hate is too strong a word, but he can't stand being around his parents. He couldn't grow in such a stifling environment.
Siwon reassures himself he's made the right decision and falls into uneasy sleep.
□ □ □
Han Geng wakes him up at 6 the next morning. They go for an early morning run at a local park and when they return Han Geng cooks breakfast, humming under his breath. Siwon wraps his arms around Han Geng's waist, leans his chin on his shoulder and drapes himself over the the other man. Han Geng clutches Siwon's hand for a second and then shakes him off.
“I have to work today but you're welcome to explore by yourself.” he says over breakfast.“Just make sure you're back by 11:00pm please.”
Siwon nods and they eat in silence. Han Geng leaves soon after, leaving him alone in the house. He trawls through the Internet for local attractions, and for the school he's transferred to. He prints out more maps and packs some lunch then heads outside. He walks slowly, map crumpled in his hand, making it painfully obvious he is one hundred percent unsure of where he is going. After several detours through bland streets, he somehow arrives at the school. He folds the map away into his top pocket and wanders into the school grounds. It's eerily silent. He quickens his pace and finally he's inside. Except he has no idea where to go. He turns on the spot and then turns right. The bell goes then, and the students spill out of their respective classrooms, heading towards their next lessons. He corners a young girl, smiles at her and hopes for the best. She and her friends show him to the office, giggling and flirting with him and he doesn't bother acting coy in return. He knows he is good looking and how to use it to his advantage.
After visiting the school he wanders around town, getting lost in his thoughts, trying to pick apart the unfamiliar streets.
He feels proud when he returns home. He washes the dishes from last night and sets about making supper. Han Geng smiles at him when he comes home. They watch TV quietly together, cramped onto Han Geng's small sofa.
□ □ □
Siwon adjusts his uniform as he begins the long walk to his new school. It's not sunny but it's hot, heat clinging to his skin, making him feel sticky and even more uncomfortable then he already does. He is unable to stop worrying. If there was one thing about his old life he both liked and hated it was the routine. There was a certain safety to be found within it. This is all new. He can do this, he knows, that doesn't mean he isn't afraid. It's good this fear, he reminds himself.
For the first time in years he feels in control of his own life.
He enters his new classroom just as the bell rings. Immediately people turn to stare, leaning towards their neighbours and whispering to each other. Siwon just smiles. The teacher introduces him and he bows, not giving much of a greeting. The classroom is average- wooden desks in neat rows, large glass windows to his right looking out over the fields and to his left, out to the corridor. Bland posters and notices reminding students of various rules are stuck to noticeboards: both of which have seen better days.
He hurries to his assigned seat, sitting down and smiling at the boy sitting next to him. The sunlight catches in the boys long dark hair, running over the contours of his face. He's beautiful. Siwon bows slightly in his seat to greet him and the boy smiles back. There's no determination is his gaze, no warmth in his smile. He seems exhausted. They exchange names and then the boy turns away, looking out into the grey sky. Siwon continues to watch him until the girl in front twists round and demands his attention. “I was the one you met before!” she whispers too loudly as she leans over his desk, pretty and delicate with light chestnut hair and cute youthful features. They chatter in the moments between classes and she even offers to eat lunch with him.
Siwon refuses, ignoring the look of surprise she gives him and takes his meal to sit in the desk in front of the boy. Yi Sheng seems startled but he smiles and they share pizza and coke. Through longer introductions they realise they are both Korean, though Siwon has not been back since he was small and Yi Sheng (Yesung) has lived in Taiwan all his life. They try to start a conversation in the little Korean they know, only to laugh in embarrassment when they find they don't know much at all. Yesung asks him about Beijing, inviting him to chatter on about his old school and friends and anything he can think of. Yesung gives all the right responses, but no matter how many questions he slips in he can't get Yesung to say anything more about himself. He's not unfriendly but he's distant, constantly fidgeting, quietly biting his nails, glancing out the window or running a hand over his watch. As if he's counting down the minutes.
It's a little awkward.
He is almost relieved when the bell rings. They clean up then return to their seats for afternoon lessons. Siwon makes sure to concentrate and take notes, do the assigned questions. He won't allow himself to fall into the same habits he had back in Beijing.
□ □ □
Days slip by, unhurried and humid as ever. Siwon integrates into his new school easily- becoming popular without even trying. He makes friends with the girl who sits in front of him, Nicole, and she introduces him to her friends who introduce him to their friends and boyfriends and acquaintances and so on. They are terrible gossips and he finds out a lot about everyone and everything through them without even asking. They're friendly though, and they accept him into their circle as if he's always been there.
Compared to him, Yesung is a loner. He doesn't speak during lessons and even the teachers seem to have given up on him, never noticing as he lies slouched on his desk or when he's obviously not listening, staring out the window instead. In P.E Yesung all but disappears and no one says a word.
Sometimes Siwon sees the other boys interact with him but it's a less than friendly manner. Nicole tells Siwon to avoid Yesung, whispering to him that Yesung works at a club, emphasizing the word as if it's something filthy. Siwon gets it, but he pretends he doesn't.
"They don't like me because I was friends with Heechul." Yesung says when he asked about it. Siwon isn't sure if he believes him but he nods.
They're up on the roof sharing lunch. Siwon had lied to his friends that he was studying alone, though he doesn't tell Yesung that. “Things were different then” Yesung explains. “I used to have my own circle of friends once. We were close and nobody bothered us.” Siwon continues to nod along. He understands in his own way. Back in Beijing he wasn't as popular as he found himself here. He had a small group of friends actually, and they mainly kept to themselves. Him, Donghae, Hyukjae and Sungmin had stuck together for years, until now of course. He didn't want to leave them behind but he had to. Yesung continues to ramble, telling him about how Heechul and Jungsoo moved to Korea and everyone else also graduated without him. "Why didn't you graduate with them?" Siwon asks. "I was in an accident." Yesung replies but doesn't elaborate. "Now I'm older than everyone and I used to hang out with Heechul. They're all scared of me." he seems to be convincing himself. Siwon nods along, not wanting to disappoint him with the truth.
He contemplates phoning Donghae, but he's already persuaded himself not to by the time he gets home. Anyway, he has a lot to tell Han Geng as they eat whilst watching TV. Han Geng seems happy for him, listens attentively. Siwon snuggles closer, and maybe he falls asleep. But when he wakes up he's in his own room. He rolls out of bed and catches his reflection in the mirror. He twists, pulling up his t-shirt and cranes his neck to see his back.
The bruises are finally beginning to fade, and they don't hurt as much when he presses down. Though he'll always have the scars to remind him of what was.
□ □ □
He phones Donghae eventually. Donghae demands to know where he is, and he can hear Sungmin and Hyukjae in the background. He can imagine them hanging out at the small café they used to frequent together back in Beijing. The walls were bright red and the tables white. They'd sit at the table right by the window so they could watch pedestrians outside. Zhou Mi served the best coffee. He can taste it on his tongue, hot and bitter with a trace of sugar. They'd gather there after school, have drinks and chat for hours or do work. He feels guilty towards his old friends; he was always so moody with them, taking out his frustrations on them. He apologises now, tells them he loves them and he's sorry. Donghae laughs it off, says it's OK and that they are there whenever he's ready to talk. He says it in the way that makes it clear he wants to know why right now, but Siwon can't bring himself to tell the truth.
It's just like it used to be. Donghae is as hyper as ever and he chatters about all the things Siwon is missing. Siwon can hear what he's not saying, come back home but he acts as if he doesn't. He tells him about his new school and his new friends, though he's careful not to give away his location.
“You sound really happy” Donghae remarks softly. Siwon hums in agreement. He is happy with the way things are, he tells himself.
He phones Nicole and asks if there's anything going on tonight. There usually is on a Saturday. They end up on the train heading to Taipei after school in the morning. They go shopping and see a movie and he barely arrives home in time. 11:00pm by his watch, but 11:06pm by Han Gengs. It's the first time Han Geng gets angry with him. Siwon vows to never repeat it, though secretly it was all a little thrilling. He's breaking the rules in a way he never would have before. It's just like he wanted.
He is happier, but he's not happy. He tells himself he's fine now, but he still feels empty.
It's frustrating how this hasn't changed.
□ □ □
Sunday afternoon and he heads out to the beach after work, needing the fresh air. He pulls off his shoes, letting his feet sink into the sand. It's still hot, but the sky is clearer today. It shouldn't rain. Of all people to see he realises that Yesung is here, gazing out across the water, clutching his mp3 player and mouthing along. He settles down beside him. Yesung offers him half of his earphones and they listen to music quietly. He watches Yesung out of the corner of his eye. His hair falls across his eyes and his expression is guarded. His shirt is open just a little too much, showing slight muscle and suspicious bruises along his collarbone.
“Why do you do it Yesung?” Siwon asks. He hasn't even thought about it, but somehow the question slips of his tongue before he can stop it. “The club.”
“Money.” Yesung replies. “The Hospital bills, school fees for me and my brother, sometimes rent.”
“What about your mother?”
Yesung gives him a incredulous look. “She spends all her money on alcohol and pretty designer dresses to impress her latest boyfriend, or boyfriends. Who knows what she is up to.” He shrugs.
Siwon thinks about his old life, and the luxury he lived in. He can't imagine what Yesung's situation is like, so he doesn't try. He just accepts it, and politely shuts up about it. The sky begins to darken and they head back to town. They stop at the nearest convenience store and Siwon buys them ice cream, the coldness sending welcome shivers down their spines. Yesung is smiling now but his smile is hollow, as if there is a small part of him that is not quite there.
He walks Yesung home only to find he's been led to a rowdy bar. The neon sign flickers and he can hear the talk and laughter, the clink of glasses, and too-loud music playing just standing outside. Yesung invites him in but he can only shake his head, mumbling something about having to get home. He doesn't miss the disappointment in Yesung's eyes as he bids him goodnight.
□ □ □
He meets Yesung at the beach every Sunday night after he's finished work. They'll have dinner together before they go their separate ways. Yesung shows him to all his favourite places, more familiar with the town than Siwon thinks he'll ever be.
Today they are at a tiny little Korean restaurant near the beach. It's raining. Thick, heavy summer rain. Yesung huddles in his thick jacket, sopping wet and cold, glaring at nothing in particular. Siwon peels away his jacket and is thankful to discover he's only partly damp underneath. He squirms in his seat, the sensation of wet jeans clinging to his thighs not entirely pleasant. He wishes he wore something more sensible (less clingy even when dry) and wonders who he was trying to impress.
They chatter about school and work, the usual things. Yesung is quieter than usual though, distant like when they first met. They eat in silence.
The rain doesn't let up and they can't leave as early as they usually would. As the sky darkens the conversation turns. Yesung finally seems to have relaxed. He's finally taken off his coat and he leans over the table, hands layed out infront of him. Siwon leans across the table, hand grazing across Yesung's. He finds himself telling Yesung more about himself, revealing he ran away from home because of his father. “I've always wanted to do it. And then I met Han Geng. He offered me a place to stay and I took it.” Siwon says. Yesung tells him about Heechul who was like a brother to him but moved to Korea a year ago. He has talked about Heechul before, and Korea too. Sometimes he'll mention a Jungsoo and Jaejoong too. (Though Yesung always pauses after he mentions Jaejoong and quickly brushes over it like a mistake, changing subject or laughing.) It isn't hard to see how much these people mean to Yesung. Yesung confesses now, somewhat shy and unsure of himself, that he wants to go back to Korea. Siwon thinks about his home country and he cannot bring himself to feel the same longing towards it. He wonders too if Yesung wants to go to Korea, or if he wants to be with Heechul and why that thought makes him feel uncomfortable.
Yesung looks out the window and sighs. Siwon follows his gaze. It's grim outside, rain falling so thick they can barely see anything. Yesung's place is closer so they agree to make a run for it. He borrows the restaurant phone, calling Han Geng at work to tell him he won't be coming back tonight.
Yesung sneaks Siwon in through the back entrance, so they don't have to go through the bar. He holds open the door for Siwon and holds a finger to his lips. “My mother” he whispers. Yesung's house is small and cluttered compared to Han Geng's. He doesn't have much of a chance to look around as Yesung is pushing him into his room. His room is messy and filled to the brim with all sorts of nick knacks. He walks over to a pile of clothes near his bed and pulls out a t-shirt and sweatpants, proceeds to throw them at Siwon. Siwon catches them and stares dumbly, unsure of what to do. Yesung continues to potter about searching for a towel and then Siwon finds himself guided to the bathroom. “Be quick OK?” Yesung whispers and shuts the door behind him as he leaves.
Siwon feels much better after a hot shower. He squeezes himself into Yesung's clothes. The top is fine, but the pants are too short. He smiles to himself and rolls them up a little more so Yesung won't be offended (he's older after all). He lets himself back into Yesung's room. Yesung showers and then they set themselves up on the floor with their books scattered around them, music playing softly in the background.
Yesung goes to bed first. Siwon struggles to finish his last math problem and then snuggles up beside him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close. Yesung squirms in his grip and Siwon realises belatedly he was only pretending to sleep, and shuffles away.
When he wakes he is lying flat on stomach and Yesung is curled up on his side, staring at him.
“What?” he mumbles.
“Those scars on your back- where are they from?”
“My dad.” Siwon mumbles into the pillow, struggling to wake up. He wonders how long Yesung has been watching him, waiting for him to wake up. Wonders how he even saw them. He shifts, feels the cotton of the bedsheets on his stomach and realises his shirt has ridden up. Oh. “He was pretty docile usually” Siwon says, too sleepy to bother covering the truth. His voice is still raspy and he coughs. “But when he did get angry, he lost it completely.”
“What did you do?”
“Ridiculous things. I don't remember much.” he frowns and thinks. “Once I auditioned for a modelling job. I thought it would be good money and fun you know?” Siwon pauses, blinks, gathers his thoughts together as he wakes up. “Umm...well, they were supposed to email me but they sent a letter. Dad saw it. Got mad at me, told me not to waste my time with things like that. Oh, and that time I confessed to my first love. Not only did I get rejected but my dad saw me kiss him. He beat me and threw me out the house, not wanting to see me. He really went crazy when he got mad. ” Siwon laughs, a hollow sound without feeling. “Thankfully he didn't get mad often.”
Yesung nods, and twists to lie on his back. “I can't really remember my dad. He left soon after my brother was born. I think he was a good father though. It's my mothers fault he left. ”
Siwon turns his head to look at him and wonders if he slept at all. His hair is messy and there's dark rings under his eyes. He looks so vulnerable. Siwon reaches across the small gap between them for his hand. Yesung doesn't pull away.
□ □ □
For his 17th birthday Siwon decides to do something special. He steals Yesung's textbook and writes in the margin Meet you on the roof at lunchtime as Yesung watches. Yesung nods. Siwon pushes his textbook back and Nicole arrives. He doesn't realise that Yesung is still watching him through the reflection on the window. He heads up the roof at lunchtime as promised. Yesung is there, sat cross legged on the concrete with a book in one hand and a cigarette in another. Despite his protests Siwon drags him out of school (“Since when have you cared about skipping school Yesung?”). He shouldn't be doing this. He's not like this, but he didn't run away to live the same life as he did in Beijing. He grew tired of the same boring routine years ago.
“Lets go somewhere. Let's go to Taipei” Siwon announces, pulling Yesung towards the station. He pays for their tickets and they board the train with only a minute to spare, breathing heavily from the run. Yesung sinks down into his seat, leaning away from him and looking out the window. Siwon wraps an arm around his shoulder and leans on him, using his free hand to hold onto his, squeezing gently. "It was my birthday a few days ago. So think of this as a present for me OK?" he whispers into Yesung's ear. Yesung looks at him for the first time and just gives a small, secretive smile before he turns away.
They stroll through the streets of Taipei, walking close, hands brushing across each other. He takes him to the aquarium and they press themselves up against the glass, palms flat, smiling widely. He's never seen Yesung so loud and confident, and completely hyper. Siwon can only laugh helplessly at some of the ridiculous things he comes out with, and Yesung fakes anger in response. They joke around, being obnoxious to the other visitors as they talk just a little too loudly.
Yesung's smile is wonderful. It's nice to see him so happy.
They reach an empty corner. In the dim light he turns Yesung to face him and kisses him, softly, trying not demand too much. Yesung doesn't respond and Siwon panics, wondering if he's doing it wrong or he doesn't want to and quickly pulls away, ready to apologise. Yesung shifts, wrapping his arms around Siwon's neck to pull him down. Siwon kisses him again, biting down on his lower lip, hands rested on his hips. Hearing people approaching they pull away guilty.
Siwon wraps an arm around Yesung as they walk to the station. Yesung leans heavily on him, wrapping an arm around Siwon's waist. It's a little awkward but it's right all at once.
He drops Yesung off at home, saying goodbye with a quick hug. He's unable to stop smiling as he unlocks the door to his house, calling out to Han Geng. Han Geng gives him a knowing look. They sit out on the balcony with glasses of coke filled to the brim with ice, sticky summer air wrapping itself around them. They're down to their bare chests, laying down on a mound of cushions each. They're both ridiculously relaxed, high from too much sugar and caffeine. They stay up until late, just talking. Siwon tells Han Geng all about his new boyfriend, how they met to their first date today. Han Geng disapproves of his choice, but he is happy for him nonetheless.
“I think I'm falling for him.” Siwon says.
Han Geng warns him to “Be careful.”
□ □ □
They are studying together at Yesung's house, as they have taken to, when there is a knock on Yesung's bedroom door and a younger boy enters. “Yesung, can you help me with this homework?” he begins and then he stops dead, looking suspiciously at Siwon.
“Siwon, this is my younger brother Jongjin. Jongjin, this is my boyfriend, Siwon.”
His brother nods and they shake hands. “You don't mind me joining you?”
Siwon shakes his head. He shifts over so Jongjin can fit in the limited space in Yesung's room. Yesung is surprisingly gentle to those he likes, and he goes through his brothers work with patience. For someone who sleeps through most of his lessons Yesung is intelligent, but Siwon knows by now it's just because he works hard at home. Due to his job Yesung sleeps during the day and only wakes up in the afternoons, making school a pointless exercise for him. He goes to keep up appearances, so he has some kind of attendance rate that won't get him kicked out. The teachers say nothing because his grades are some of the highest in the class.
(“Someone important to me told me to do well.” is all Yesung will ever say on the matter, and Siwon can't bring himself to pry when Yesung looks so stricken.)
Jongjin becomes involved in his work and Siwon leans across to Yesung, whispering to him. “That's the first time you've acknowledged out relationship.” he grins widely at him.
“Siwon.”
“Yes?”
“Shut up.”
“Right.” Siwon says, and leans away back to his books.
It's raining again and so Siwon stays a little later, ending up cooking dinner for Yesung and his brother. “I like him” Jongjin says. “You should keep him.”
Yesung kicks him in the shin and tells him to concentrate on eating.
□ □ □
Siwon arrives at Yesung's house in his best shirt and a box of chocolates. He paces outside for a moment, trying to be less nervous.
They lie side by side on Yesung's bed. Siwon steals from the box of chocolates he bought and reads as Yesung begins to doze off. He feels the bed shift and opens his eyes to meet Yesung's. He reaches up, cupping Yesung's face with his hand (trying not to shake too much). They lean closer and then they kiss. He pushes Yesung down onto his back. Yesung doesn't say no, just stares at him expectantly. It's the first time for Siwon and he's clumsy, unsure of himself. He ends up laughing into the crook of Yesung's neck, nerves getting the best of him. Yesung pushes him away, and he takes the lead. Siwon's laughter dissolves as Yesung guides him.
They lie side by side afterwards, breathing heavily. Siwon feels tired and a little embarrassed. Yesung isn't looking at him, instead he's curled on his side, away from him. He's not sure what to say now. Yesung seems to be avoiding his gaze. Siwon feels the need to apologise for what happened (or rather how it happened) and so he does. Yesung reassures him it's fine as he turns to him, shifting onto his other side.
"This is weird" he says.
"Why?"
"I'm not used to being in a relationship. If that is what this."
"Yesung, it's OK."
"This is weird." he repeats. "I feel like you should leave and never come back. But I want you to stay."
"It's OK. I want to stay too." Siwon repeats and reaches out to push Yesung's hair out of his face and kiss his cheek. Yesung sighs, eyes fluttering closed. Siwon can't help but feel there's something he's missing, and it's strange that he feels lonely when Yesung is right there.
He pushes it out of his mind and grins at Yesung when he sees him at school the next day, before Nicole arrives and steals his attention. Yesung frowns and turns away. Lessons drag on forever and Siwon is tempted to curl up and sleep. He's tired. Yesung smiles at him knowingly and Siwon hits him lightly on the arm. He wants to talk to him but Yesung sneaks off at lunchtime, and brushes him off in lessons. But then after school Yesung runs up to him, dragging him home with him again and Siwon has already forgotten what he wanted to say.
He's a little later for school the next day. He slides open the door to classroom and is ambushed by his friends. They guide him to his seat and then sit around him. "Who is she?" they ask him. His eyes widen and he shakes his head, holding out his hands in absolute denial. They begin to list all the reasons for why Siwon is obviously dating someone, and Siwon remembers that they are gossips for a reason. They have eyes and ears everywhere and scary intuition. He can see Yesung smiling out of the corner of his eye. Yesung turns in his seat, leaning back on the window with a smug smile on his face. "Really- who is she?" he repeats. "I think you'd know her very well" Siwon replies. Two can play at this game. The girls watch fixated, recording every little detail in their minds. Yesung leans forward, resting his hands on Siwon's knees. The girls gasp, the rest of the class begins to look. Yesung kisses him and then leans back on the window with a satisfied smirk. "Definitely not a she" he remarks.
Siwon noticed than just how many people are watching. His classmates stare and then they turn and they whisper to each other, not at all subtle. He feels embarrassed, and hopes his perfect reputation hasn't just fallen apart.
One of the boys saunters up to Yesung, looks down at him as he teases him. How can a whore like you have a boyfriend? They have everyone's attention now. Yesung stands and exits the classroom without saying a word. Siwon follows, finding him sat in one of the music rooms. He's sat before the piano, staring down at the keys without really seeing them. Siwon sits next to him, close as he can without physically sitting on him. He picks up one of Yesung's hands and plays with his fingers. Such small hands, he places his palm against Yesung's and marvels at the difference. Yesung is looking at him strangely so he stops, loosely holding his hand.
They sit side by side in perfect silence. They can hear faintly the noise of distant lessons, and shouting from the playing fields.
"Are you ashamed of me? " Yesung asks. “Are you really OK with this? With what I do?”
Siwon is unable to answer. He hasn't really thought about it much, too caught up in his own feelings. If he thinks on it now he isn't OK with it, but he wants to be together- so that makes him fine?
He holds Yesung's hand tighter. “It's OK” he says, a little too late.
Yesung slumps in his seat, leaning against Siwon's shoulder. He closes his eyes and he begins to sing softly under his breath, the longing in his voice almost tangible that it is painful to listen to. Siwon can tell he is hurting and he's powerless to help. There's a part of Yesung's life he'll never know, a part of Yesung closed off to him. He realises then that he doesn't truly know Yesung at all.
□ □ □
Their relationship remains secret really. They've never spoken much at school and it remains that way. They mainly meet in absolute secrecy, Yesung's tiny room becoming their refuge. Their relationship never grows, becomes stale with the weight of the truth that lies outside Yesung's bedroom, all the worries and insecurities they leave strewn on the floor with their clothes.
They pretend that nothings wrong.
□ □ □
He emails Donghae, and after much thought he gives him his address, asking him not to tell his parents. He has to trust him. Mainly he just wants to see him.
Donghae visits during the holidays, after they've all graduated. With him are Hyukjae and Sungmin. They demand to meet his friends and see Taiwan. They don't resent him at all and he again feels guilty. Old memories worm up from deep inside his heart, and he wonders if he should tell them everything, about his dad and why he ran and that he's sorry for being so horrible to them those last few years, that he hopes they understand it isn't because of them. But he stays silent, brushing over the issue as he welcomes them into his new life.
Han Geng is overjoyed to meet them and cooks up a feast. Siwon takes Donghae to the movie shop to rent out a film. Donghae's hand still fits perfectly in his, and his smile still makes Siwon's heart skip a beat. Sungmin comes running out the house when they return and pulls Donghae into a tight hug, and Siwon remembers why he wasn't in love with Donghae. He wasn't allowed to be. Somehow, it doesn't hurt like it used to. They cram onto the sofa in the living room and the movie plays but they spend most of it talking; everyone has so much to say.
Donghae falls asleep on his shoulder and Siwon can't help but let his head rest on top of his, thinking for the first time about all the what ifs that used to plague his mind. Always so many questions, he'd always had so many questions going through his mind. He links hands with Donghae, pulling him closer.
The next day he brings them to meet his friends and they fit into the group easily.
He wishes Yesung could be there.
On the third night they become caught up playing games with Han Geng and Siwon sneaks out the house. He buys some flowers and heads to Yesung's house. He stands outside gathering his courage and then he knocks. Jongjin answers, and then leaves him to his own devices. He shuts the door behind him and slips off his shoes then makes his way to the kitchen, finding an old coke bottle to serve as a vase. Carefully holding the flowers he goes to Yesung's room. He knocks and then enters. Yesung is sleeping, radio playing softly in the background. He places the flowers on the desk and steps over to sit on the edge of his bed. Yesung curls away from him, as if he knows he's there even though he's asleep. He wanted to drag Yesung back to Han Geng's but he doesn't want to wake him. He looks so peaceful.
Lying on the bed is a photo frame. The room is dark, the street light from outside providing a dim light that doesn't quite get through the curtains. He picks it up and tries to see through the darkness. Yesung has his arm thrown another boy and they are both laughing. They both look so happy, laughing at something he'll never know. He places the photo on Yesung's bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed.
He presses a hand to Yesung back, watching him sleep for a little while. "I love you. " he says, not caring that Yesung can't hear him. "I wish that was enough."
He stands up and pulls the blankets up around Yesung, tucking him in. He knows he can't stay.
Donghae and Hyukjae asks him millions of questions when he gets back and he avoids them all, leading them to think he has a girlfriend he's hiding from them. He denies it laughing and they let up eventually. Han Geng gives him a questioning look and he shrugs, not sure why himself why he didn't want them to know.
He finds himself back in Beijing for the second part of his holidays, sleeping on Sungmin's couch. (He still refuses to go home.) Being with them, living the better parts of his old life, he realises just how much he missed the city. He thinks back to conversations with Yesung on home, and Korea. He does long to go home, to Beijing, he realises as he looks out across the clouds on the plane back.
He wonders if there's anything keeping him in Taiwan any more.
□ □ □
8:00pm. The Beach. Meet me there please? I have something important to tell you
He slips the note through Yesung's door.
Yesung comes. They sit on the beach in the twilight.
“I'm going back to Beijing” Siwon says.
Yesung's stares at him. “What's wrong with Taipei?”
“Nothing. But I love Beijing, and I want to go back.” Siwon twists to face Yesung. He wants to ask him to come with him, a desperate part of himself thinks that Beijing could fix them, but he knows Yesung would never agree. “OK” Yesung stands and brushes the sand from his clothes.
And that is how it ends. It's anticlimactic really. There's no huge fight or misunderstandings. They've just naturally drifted apart and there's nothing he can do any more. He still wonders if he should stay here, if it's even possible to leave Yesung behind.
Siwon squishes next to Han Geng on their tiny sofa, pulling him into a tight embrace. "I really loved him." He whispers, burying himself in Han Geng's chest.
Han Geng returns the hug, in a rare display of affection for him. "I know." he says. “I know.”
They don't say anything more. They spend the night watching ridiculous action movies, eating ramen for supper and too many snacks afterwards. Siwon stays close to Han Geng, needing the skin contact and in the end falls asleep on Han Geng's shoulder, his fingers tangled in his hair.
□ □ □
It takes courage to go back to the place you left behind. Siwon knows he's made the right decision when he reaches Beijing and he sees Donghae and Sungmin waiting at the airport for him, holding a garish banner with his name written in dodgy Hangul. They run to him and he hugs them, laughing for no reason other than he's really so happy to see them, to be there. He stays with Sungmin for the first week back in the city, and they spend it freely, catching up, spending too much money going out. Eventually he gets himself his own apartment near the university. He never goes back to his family, but that's OK. It's a big city, it's not like they're about to bump into each other and he doesn't miss them. It's good being back here (without them).
He doesn't miss Taiwan much either, and although he misses Han Geng they go back to their old ways of communicating, an elaborate network of email, phone and MSN.
He misses Yesung, even if he knows he shouldn't. It's a dull ache that never quite goes away. Many times he finds himself on the verge of calling Yesung, writing out emails that never get sent and letters which get balled up and thrown away. He goes out and tries to start other relationships but it never ends well. He tries, but maybe he's trying too hard because they still complain that he's distant and his affection forced.
He works hard, putting his all into his university degree and working at a restaurant close to his apartment so he doesn't have to over think things. The pieces are finally coming together and he can see more clearly the bigger picture. He will be happy, he'll make himself happy.
□ □ □
About two years after he left Taiwan, he gets a letter in the mail. It's from Yesung. He tears open the envelope and a photo falls out first. Yesung is alone but the picture is not self taken. He's smiling wide so his eyes narrow and disappear. He pulls out the letter. It's short, to the point. Yesung is in Seoul now, studying in a university there. He talks about learning Korean, the friends he's made, his course.
Seeing the shadow of words on the other side Siwon turns the paper round.
On the back of the paper, he tells Siwon that he loves him and that he's sorry. He says he hopes Siwon is happy and draws a little smiley face afterwards. Siwon bites down on his lower lip, trying to imagine how Yesung felt writing this. He sounds happy, happier than he ever was back in Taiwan. (Happier than he ever was with him.) He wonders if Yesung still thinks of him like he does. Even though so much time has passed it still feels like yesterday when Yesung walked away.
Siwon moves the letter to the side and continues to get ready for work. He pauses at the doorway, one shoe on and one shoe off and then runs back to his room, sifting through his school stuff. A bunch of leaflets fall out about studying abroad. He was going to go to Tokyo university but learning Japanese can wait. Right now Korea university looks much more appealing. The idea takes seed and blossoms. The final piece of the puzzle. He's really going to go to Korea, he realises and grips the leaflets tighter. He's going to where Yesung is.
Hopefully it's not too late.