Enough.
This has got to stop.
Yes, I'm PMS-ical, although it should be During, because I've got the worst case of cramps in history, plus my Sinus infection has made a loud and clear comeback. I just had the worst night of non-sleep practically ever, fading in and out all night. It's now 6:35 in the morning.
I have to stop missing school.
I have to stop it. It's tearing me apart. I miss everything so terribly much. Last week, when I saw Ben and a few of my friends, it was the best feeling ever. For that 48 hours that spanned those three days, I was so happy, I had such an awesome time with them. We were all depressed to leave each other; even Ben surprised me in the downright emotional softie (however much he repressed it) he became at our leave.
But I'm sitting here, stuffed-up face, sore insides, all these thoughts about my friends and Ben and all the memories we all made and it's just, I can't stop my eyes from watering. I'm so tired of missing everybody and everything. I'm so tired of waiting to go back, so fucking tired of this constant aching in my heart. It's so utterly ridiculous, and I hate that I'm letting myself fall this hard into all these emotions.
Also, though I'm so grateful for what I have, I'm jealous of all the people I know in collegiate relationships. They've seen their significant others three, four times this summer, spent weeks together. I'm not saying that's sane or healthy but I wish Ben's and my situations were better so that it was easier for us to get away and see each other once in awhile. We're so close, beyond the realm of smoochy face, he's one of my best friends. I know I've said this before, and every word I type sounds like some massive horrid cliche. But I can't help it, I just miss him and everybody and I'm so tired of the missing.
I'm just sick of this massive heartache. I'm tired of working these weird hours, I want a normal job. I'm tired of waiting for the summer to go by when I know that once it's gone I'll want it back desperately. I want to do something that feels like I'm getting somewhere with something. Lately it seems like my only joy in life comes in pulling out of work when it's over, playing my music as loud as I can stand it, and whenever I have phone conversations with my friends from school. At home, my work hours discourage much social interaction. I have SO much time anymore to sit (at work), between calls, allowed to think for too long about all the things I could be doing instead.
I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful that I have a way of making cash. I'm so effing grateful that I have these friends to miss at all, I'm so happy to be alive. But I'm just at this awful emotional standstill of missing people and it's really becoming taxing. I would drive to see people, but of course, that can't happen due to my parents still being convinced that I cannot drive, even though, excuse me, I am a bloody brilliant driver.
Sorry for the ranting. I would talk to somebody good at giving advice, like my mom, but she'd probably just grow way too concerned and tell me that I was being completely ridiculous. Which I am, I'd just rather not my mother know.
Yes, I'm PMS-ical, although it should be During, because I've got the worst case of cramps in history, plus my Sinus infection has made a loud and clear comeback. I just had the worst night of non-sleep practically ever, fading in and out all night. It's now 6:35 in the morning.
I have to stop missing school.
I have to stop it. It's tearing me apart. I miss everything so terribly much. Last week, when I saw Ben and a few of my friends, it was the best feeling ever. For that 48 hours that spanned those three days, I was so happy, I had such an awesome time with them. We were all depressed to leave each other; even Ben surprised me in the downright emotional softie (however much he repressed it) he became at our leave.
But I'm sitting here, stuffed-up face, sore insides, all these thoughts about my friends and Ben and all the memories we all made and it's just, I can't stop my eyes from watering. I'm so tired of missing everybody and everything. I'm so tired of waiting to go back, so fucking tired of this constant aching in my heart. It's so utterly ridiculous, and I hate that I'm letting myself fall this hard into all these emotions.
Also, though I'm so grateful for what I have, I'm jealous of all the people I know in collegiate relationships. They've seen their significant others three, four times this summer, spent weeks together. I'm not saying that's sane or healthy but I wish Ben's and my situations were better so that it was easier for us to get away and see each other once in awhile. We're so close, beyond the realm of smoochy face, he's one of my best friends. I know I've said this before, and every word I type sounds like some massive horrid cliche. But I can't help it, I just miss him and everybody and I'm so tired of the missing.
I'm just sick of this massive heartache. I'm tired of working these weird hours, I want a normal job. I'm tired of waiting for the summer to go by when I know that once it's gone I'll want it back desperately. I want to do something that feels like I'm getting somewhere with something. Lately it seems like my only joy in life comes in pulling out of work when it's over, playing my music as loud as I can stand it, and whenever I have phone conversations with my friends from school. At home, my work hours discourage much social interaction. I have SO much time anymore to sit (at work), between calls, allowed to think for too long about all the things I could be doing instead.
I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful that I have a way of making cash. I'm so effing grateful that I have these friends to miss at all, I'm so happy to be alive. But I'm just at this awful emotional standstill of missing people and it's really becoming taxing. I would drive to see people, but of course, that can't happen due to my parents still being convinced that I cannot drive, even though, excuse me, I am a bloody brilliant driver.
Sorry for the ranting. I would talk to somebody good at giving advice, like my mom, but she'd probably just grow way too concerned and tell me that I was being completely ridiculous. Which I am, I'd just rather not my mother know.