Get Shorty
OK, so now that I've discovered Fark.com and free time, my top 10 list is going to get ridiculous... and more frequent. So perhaps I'll have to do categories... hmmm... we're just going to start and see how this goes from there.
(1) First off, we have the cell phone that prevents drunk dials. Now, on the one hand, I'm all about lowering my drunk dial quota, but on the other hand, it would probably completely take care of those pesky voicemails that I get from Wes, Casey, and J Yau that completely make my life worth living. Oddly enough, almost all of them say something about how I better be having sex instead of answering my phone...
(2) Next up, on the note of expensive useless things, Tiffany's forks out loads of money for defective baby rattles. Right. They don't report the mini beads and animals that fill the rattles; my guess is that they figured out that people who spend $150 on a freaking baby rattle probably don't need to reproduce. It's bad enough that people buy that stuff for preteens, but a rattle for a baby that costs more than the BED I'm going to get...
(3) I'd love to see the IA report on this one. "Well, boss, they looked like police... yeah, I know they had tasers and a large roll of duct tape, but they were just so friendly and they were talking about how much they wanted Italy to win the World Cup, how could they have been that bad?" I would also like to know how you dispose of that much cocaine. Maybe they're going to use it in Germany since they're running out of beer at the World Cup and I don't blame them for totally dissing Budwiser. (And here's the site to prove it)
(4) I know that a lot of you out there are no doubt going to make fun of the Canadian's simple pleasures in life, but I for one salute them. Not only am I a Canadiophile (yeah, I totally made that up), but I also am very very afraid of them now. Peaceful my ass... I'm on to you, Canada!
(5) There's only one way to respond to this: That's a negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full. If only I knew how to say that in Israeli. And yes, I went there. And if you don't get the movie reference, then you are in severe need of some Top Gun educating which I am MORE than happy to provide.
(6) Speaking of movies, the soldier who was shown recruiting high schoolers at the mall in Farenheit 9/11 just died in Iraq. I'm not saying this isn't sad, but the interview with is dad... wow. Some people are just a little too enthusiastic.
"I remember when he fell in the bathtub and cut his chin when he was 6 years old, and the only way I could get him to go to the hospital was to tell it was a MASH unit," Raymond Plouhar said.
Now? We wait to see which side exploits it first. So far Moore doesn't have anything up on his website.
(7) Moving on to something a little cheerier, we have the technological side of things: A Dell Laptop Exploding. Apparently Dells dislike the Japanese as much as Emily does ;o)
Of course, this can't be completely insubstantiated, so I found pictures that were ganked from that all-knowing source, The Inquirer.
(8) On to nature, now, and we have some really fun stuff for you today. First, a snake that changes colors. Maybe at first glance that doesn't seem so awesome, but consider the havoc that could be brought down on the heads of snotty sorority girls and college freshmen all over the world. Think about it-- if this thing could change to paisley, we'd have half the fashionistas in the US alone taken care of. And Burberry plaid? Psh, they're ALL going down.
And in an unintentional show of irony, Muffy is the longest snake ever. While Fark asks why they named the snake "Muffy", I only ask if anyone else is thinking what I'm thinking... Oh, come on, you know you had the muff joke brewing, too. Now if only Muffy were a trouser snake, everything would be PERFECT.
But on a more serious note, Harriet passed away a couple days ago. Harriet, as all of you know, is thought to be one of the oldest living creatures on the planet. Wait, make that past tense. The really sad part? She didn't even get the male box turtle stripper who was on his way for her birthday.
(9) Just because I freakin' love hockey and Zambonis, this one gets its own number. A backyard Zamboni, I shit you not.
Nuff said.
(10) Last but not least, we have the sex issues. I'm all for the sex jokes and sexual free speech, as it were, but there are some things I NEVER wanted to see or hear happen. This is one of them. I just hope to god he has some drugs that can erase that from my brain, because DAMN. WRONG. WRONG!
Limbaugh joked about the search on his radio show Tuesday, saying Customs officials didn't believe him when he said he got the pills at the Clinton Library and he was told they were blue M&Ms. He later added, chuckling: "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it."
For the record: BILL CLINTON DID NOT MOLEST SMALL LATINO BOYS. Just ugly ass office interns.
Now, to take that bad taste out of your mouth (g*d, I really can't think of a better phrase to put there... please don't hurt me), we have this little gem, and were I in a better situation I would TOTALLY help out.
I'm not sure if I like the idea or the fact that they used the phrase "blow-by-blow" to describe the journaling process.
The pill, which is taken as a twice-a-day for 30 days, claims to mask the traditionally salty taste of male ejaculate with a refreshing apple-like flavour. Successful applicants will take the pill for 30 days and will use an online blog to provide a blow-by-blow account of how the taste of their partner's sexual fluid changes.
And now, because I only have a few links left, we have...
Honorable Mentions: Stories that were almost funny enough to make it to the Top 10
1. Yippie Kai Ya Mother-- LINE! (Bruce Willis claims a need to do stage work)
2. One of these kids paid attention in Home Ec! (TN Student makes prom dress out of Confederate flag. No, really.)
3. Everyone loves tricking the Catholic Church (Otherwise known as: Who knew someone would get something out of Cruise being psychotic?)
4. Because I wasn't below average enough before (Do you think they count implants?)
5. Let's replace solid buildings with glass-- that's really gonna show those planes next time! (If I disappear, it's because of that inference...)
6. After all those jokes I made about cocktail parties... (And yes, this involves explosions and the word "cock")
(1) First off, we have the cell phone that prevents drunk dials. Now, on the one hand, I'm all about lowering my drunk dial quota, but on the other hand, it would probably completely take care of those pesky voicemails that I get from Wes, Casey, and J Yau that completely make my life worth living. Oddly enough, almost all of them say something about how I better be having sex instead of answering my phone...
(2) Next up, on the note of expensive useless things, Tiffany's forks out loads of money for defective baby rattles. Right. They don't report the mini beads and animals that fill the rattles; my guess is that they figured out that people who spend $150 on a freaking baby rattle probably don't need to reproduce. It's bad enough that people buy that stuff for preteens, but a rattle for a baby that costs more than the BED I'm going to get...
(3) I'd love to see the IA report on this one. "Well, boss, they looked like police... yeah, I know they had tasers and a large roll of duct tape, but they were just so friendly and they were talking about how much they wanted Italy to win the World Cup, how could they have been that bad?" I would also like to know how you dispose of that much cocaine. Maybe they're going to use it in Germany since they're running out of beer at the World Cup and I don't blame them for totally dissing Budwiser. (And here's the site to prove it)
(4) I know that a lot of you out there are no doubt going to make fun of the Canadian's simple pleasures in life, but I for one salute them. Not only am I a Canadiophile (yeah, I totally made that up), but I also am very very afraid of them now. Peaceful my ass... I'm on to you, Canada!
(5) There's only one way to respond to this: That's a negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full. If only I knew how to say that in Israeli. And yes, I went there. And if you don't get the movie reference, then you are in severe need of some Top Gun educating which I am MORE than happy to provide.
(6) Speaking of movies, the soldier who was shown recruiting high schoolers at the mall in Farenheit 9/11 just died in Iraq. I'm not saying this isn't sad, but the interview with is dad... wow. Some people are just a little too enthusiastic.
"I remember when he fell in the bathtub and cut his chin when he was 6 years old, and the only way I could get him to go to the hospital was to tell it was a MASH unit," Raymond Plouhar said.
Now? We wait to see which side exploits it first. So far Moore doesn't have anything up on his website.
(7) Moving on to something a little cheerier, we have the technological side of things: A Dell Laptop Exploding. Apparently Dells dislike the Japanese as much as Emily does ;o)
Of course, this can't be completely insubstantiated, so I found pictures that were ganked from that all-knowing source, The Inquirer.
(8) On to nature, now, and we have some really fun stuff for you today. First, a snake that changes colors. Maybe at first glance that doesn't seem so awesome, but consider the havoc that could be brought down on the heads of snotty sorority girls and college freshmen all over the world. Think about it-- if this thing could change to paisley, we'd have half the fashionistas in the US alone taken care of. And Burberry plaid? Psh, they're ALL going down.
And in an unintentional show of irony, Muffy is the longest snake ever. While Fark asks why they named the snake "Muffy", I only ask if anyone else is thinking what I'm thinking... Oh, come on, you know you had the muff joke brewing, too. Now if only Muffy were a trouser snake, everything would be PERFECT.
But on a more serious note, Harriet passed away a couple days ago. Harriet, as all of you know, is thought to be one of the oldest living creatures on the planet. Wait, make that past tense. The really sad part? She didn't even get the male box turtle stripper who was on his way for her birthday.
(9) Just because I freakin' love hockey and Zambonis, this one gets its own number. A backyard Zamboni, I shit you not.
Nuff said.
(10) Last but not least, we have the sex issues. I'm all for the sex jokes and sexual free speech, as it were, but there are some things I NEVER wanted to see or hear happen. This is one of them. I just hope to god he has some drugs that can erase that from my brain, because DAMN. WRONG. WRONG!
Limbaugh joked about the search on his radio show Tuesday, saying Customs officials didn't believe him when he said he got the pills at the Clinton Library and he was told they were blue M&Ms. He later added, chuckling: "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it."
For the record: BILL CLINTON DID NOT MOLEST SMALL LATINO BOYS. Just ugly ass office interns.
Now, to take that bad taste out of your mouth (g*d, I really can't think of a better phrase to put there... please don't hurt me), we have this little gem, and were I in a better situation I would TOTALLY help out.
I'm not sure if I like the idea or the fact that they used the phrase "blow-by-blow" to describe the journaling process.
The pill, which is taken as a twice-a-day for 30 days, claims to mask the traditionally salty taste of male ejaculate with a refreshing apple-like flavour. Successful applicants will take the pill for 30 days and will use an online blog to provide a blow-by-blow account of how the taste of their partner's sexual fluid changes.
And now, because I only have a few links left, we have...
Honorable Mentions: Stories that were almost funny enough to make it to the Top 10
1. Yippie Kai Ya Mother-- LINE! (Bruce Willis claims a need to do stage work)
2. One of these kids paid attention in Home Ec! (TN Student makes prom dress out of Confederate flag. No, really.)
3. Everyone loves tricking the Catholic Church (Otherwise known as: Who knew someone would get something out of Cruise being psychotic?)
4. Because I wasn't below average enough before (Do you think they count implants?)
5. Let's replace solid buildings with glass-- that's really gonna show those planes next time! (If I disappear, it's because of that inference...)
6. After all those jokes I made about cocktail parties... (And yes, this involves explosions and the word "cock")