Sober.
Last night has ended. I released what needed to be release...to some embarrassment. Regardless, I'll say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel. My time here is just about up. Today is my last day here and tomorrow I'll be back in the more comfortable confines of Gainesville.
Being here though, I had to confront my ghosts. I had to end this sad thing she and I've become. We sought each other out. We spent the last three days with each other. It started out awkward and surreal. Conversations began at opposite sides of the room. Gradually, we took baby steps closer towards one another. I made her homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch and brought her chinese medicinal teas for her cold. I was taking care of her again...like old times. After the silence...we talked. I keep my distance. The niki that I knew was always very sensitive, and thus I treaded softly around her and constantly kept my distance. But she always trusted me, and she wanted me closer...and I found myself wanting to come closer as well.
There has been a lot of change with her in the 2 1/2 yrs we've been apart. She was no longer straight edge or vegan and there were parts of her I could not recognize. But despite all the changes, she still felt familiar...more than familiar. As we opened up more and got increasingly more comfortable with each other, yester years felt more like yesterday. Making her laugh and smile again brought an old familiar and lost joy back, but a new pain as well. It felt so wrong and strange not holding her hand or holding her in my arms...
I used to hold her from behind and kiss her behind her left ear...she would brace and hug my arms back and I could feel her smile.
I resisted the moments of temptation for that would have been truly wrong.
I must remember that there was a reason why we broke up and stayed apart. I must remember that we are in different places of our lives and different people now, despite what we think/feel we know about one another.
Her girl friend is coming back into town tonight. I'll meet with her soon at the lake to say my good bye to her. Tonight, I will spend time with my parents. Tomorrow morning I'll return back home. Things will go back in the normal motion, and we will both resume our separate lives.
I want her to be happy. I will not allow myself to become a negative anchor for her. I will not have any part in creating complication or stress in her life. I was gone, and so I will stay gone. A part of my heart will always belong to her. I love her, and I'll always love her.
[To have a heart...]
[which can only exist in dreams...]
k.
Being here though, I had to confront my ghosts. I had to end this sad thing she and I've become. We sought each other out. We spent the last three days with each other. It started out awkward and surreal. Conversations began at opposite sides of the room. Gradually, we took baby steps closer towards one another. I made her homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch and brought her chinese medicinal teas for her cold. I was taking care of her again...like old times. After the silence...we talked. I keep my distance. The niki that I knew was always very sensitive, and thus I treaded softly around her and constantly kept my distance. But she always trusted me, and she wanted me closer...and I found myself wanting to come closer as well.
There has been a lot of change with her in the 2 1/2 yrs we've been apart. She was no longer straight edge or vegan and there were parts of her I could not recognize. But despite all the changes, she still felt familiar...more than familiar. As we opened up more and got increasingly more comfortable with each other, yester years felt more like yesterday. Making her laugh and smile again brought an old familiar and lost joy back, but a new pain as well. It felt so wrong and strange not holding her hand or holding her in my arms...
I used to hold her from behind and kiss her behind her left ear...she would brace and hug my arms back and I could feel her smile.
I resisted the moments of temptation for that would have been truly wrong.
I must remember that there was a reason why we broke up and stayed apart. I must remember that we are in different places of our lives and different people now, despite what we think/feel we know about one another.
Her girl friend is coming back into town tonight. I'll meet with her soon at the lake to say my good bye to her. Tonight, I will spend time with my parents. Tomorrow morning I'll return back home. Things will go back in the normal motion, and we will both resume our separate lives.
I want her to be happy. I will not allow myself to become a negative anchor for her. I will not have any part in creating complication or stress in her life. I was gone, and so I will stay gone. A part of my heart will always belong to her. I love her, and I'll always love her.
[To have a heart...]
[which can only exist in dreams...]
k.