2am
this is like, two in the morning, for crying out loud, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
i havent gone to bed because i am thinking. thinking of a nothing.
i havent gone to bed because i know i wouldnt be able to get a good rest anyway. rather sit here in depressive mode than to toss around in bed?
i havent gone to bed because i need to be alone, in front of the computer, and set my brains (and fingers) working. i didn't want to keep the rambles to myself.
and i don't want these thoughts to hurt me in my subconscious, like waking up in the middle of the night to darkness and a throbbing heart, fright in sweat and extreme loneliness.
i don't know if i want to talk about this right here. i don't even know if i want to talk to anyone about it but i just needed a release.
& i never wanted the tears to glide so smoothly down my cheeks.
why did i even bother leading a normal life? sleeping before midnight, being punctual for school, or even turning up, for that matter.
i so didn't want to be here like this. and thinking about it makes me want to cry now. i don't like to be reminded of the past. especially when it matters so much to me.
i need to use my tears to wake myself up.
seriously, i am so dumb.
so right now i don't give a fuck if i flunk my exams but when it really happens i will regret
that's what a bitch i am
i don't know what to say anymore. i can't write, at least not here, without that sense of suspicion and paranoia.
undoubtedly, i need to get started again. midterms are on my mind, i have five, starting with two this friday, and i have plenty of stress already. i really can't live my life this way-being hidden away in my room 24/7 trying to study but yet have no motive to concentrate.
i really didn't know how else to rationalize this life. this... life.
i havent gone to bed because i am thinking. thinking of a nothing.
i havent gone to bed because i know i wouldnt be able to get a good rest anyway. rather sit here in depressive mode than to toss around in bed?
i havent gone to bed because i need to be alone, in front of the computer, and set my brains (and fingers) working. i didn't want to keep the rambles to myself.
and i don't want these thoughts to hurt me in my subconscious, like waking up in the middle of the night to darkness and a throbbing heart, fright in sweat and extreme loneliness.
i don't know if i want to talk about this right here. i don't even know if i want to talk to anyone about it but i just needed a release.
& i never wanted the tears to glide so smoothly down my cheeks.
why did i even bother leading a normal life? sleeping before midnight, being punctual for school, or even turning up, for that matter.
i so didn't want to be here like this. and thinking about it makes me want to cry now. i don't like to be reminded of the past. especially when it matters so much to me.
i need to use my tears to wake myself up.
seriously, i am so dumb.
so right now i don't give a fuck if i flunk my exams but when it really happens i will regret
that's what a bitch i am
i don't know what to say anymore. i can't write, at least not here, without that sense of suspicion and paranoia.
undoubtedly, i need to get started again. midterms are on my mind, i have five, starting with two this friday, and i have plenty of stress already. i really can't live my life this way-being hidden away in my room 24/7 trying to study but yet have no motive to concentrate.
i really didn't know how else to rationalize this life. this... life.