SUPERNATURAL: EXPLAINING IS AN ADMISSION OF FAILURE.
explaining is an admission of failure. it's thinking about love (it's thinking about stabbing us to death and leaving us in a dumpster) supernatural: dean/castiel, sam, bobby. nc-17. 1,402 words.
01. FORGIVE THEM, EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT SORRY.
For what it’s worth, a lot of people want Dean Winchester dead. In the beginning, it was just whatever he was trying to slay at the moment, and that was understandable (survival of the fittest, self-defence, and all those things that kind of make being the cause of his hurt shoulder or broken nose okay) and now, it’s all those demons (every single fucking one of them, save for Crowley, and even with him, Dean’s not sure) and some of the angels want him dead, or previously wanted him dead, or almost caused his not-being-born (because that doesn’t count as Death). A handful of Hunters want him dead too.
But he’s not dead, which is good. And he’s got Sammy, Bobby and Cas. That’s good too.
02. THE LONG WINDED BLUES OF THE NEVER.
It’s not really dark, it’s more like someone has set everything to negative and what should be white is black and what should be bright is not.
Sam’s not around and they haven’t been with Bobby in weeks.
It’s Castiel and Dean and everything is moving very fast and very slow in negative.
This is the first sex they’ve had in ages, and it’s so horrible but it’s so good and Dean doesn’t want to think about how messed up and desperate that is, because this is the Apocalypse, he’s allowed to feel that way and right now all he wants to think about is the steady grind of his hips and the return from Castiel.
03. I’M FOREVER BLACK-EYED.
Dean could think of so many people he could apply the phrase they’re Dead too. Sometimes it makes him sad. But mostly, it just makes him mad at the world and everything.
04. WE’RE BOUND TO WAIT ALL NIGHT.
The last few years, Dean’s done well. He may not acknowledge it but he almost knows it. Sam knows it. Castiel knows it and he tries to give his rewards without stating so and give them in abundance.
Like this, Castiel never thought he’d be good at this and the gravel is uncomfortable against his jeans and his knees but Sam is hauled in the hotel room and he just wanted. Not the action itself, or Dean (he always would though) but what Dean would benefit from the action. Which by the looks of; it is a lot.
It’s been a long day or fighting and running (too and from) and Dean would like to curl up and sleep and if Castiel could, he’d like him to curl with him.
05. AND IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT MINE.
The Apocalypse it too damn quiet. It’s supposed to be loud and fiery, with car alarms and broken windows and woman’s screams and crying people assaulting your ears when you roll into a town.
It’s not though. It’s a cough and the buzz of a bug in your ear. Its little things you don’t notice until after it has you and you’re into deep to do anything.
Dean doesn’t understand until later. Because it’s all the more cruel to not be seen than it is to be.
06. MY HEART KEEPS BEATING LIKE A HAMMER.
When Castiel looses everything and keeps going Dean makes a valiant effort to do the same. But he was filled with holy grace before the shit hit the fan so it’s a little harder. Castiel helps, though. He touches Dean with warm hands and gives him soft kisses and its romance at the end of the world and it’s all got this sort of Romeo and Juliet quality to it.
Dean doesn’t think that way. Maybe Castiel does. It doesn’t really matter what they think, though, that’s just what is it, plain and simple. Even if it’s not pointed at and marvelled.
07. WE ARE TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT.
Dean’s sure when, maybe it was when he was a little boy speaking in tongues in a duck bib with a spoon in his mouth. Maybe it was when he was a kid, taking apart rusty cars while Sam hugged a plush rabbit. Maybe it was when he was a teenager, rusty knuckles and hard-ball. Maybe it was before Hell. Maybe after. But Dean knows now. This is never going to stop. He’s never going to get a break.
At first, it makes him mad. Annoyed. Envious. Just plain sad and a cycle of other emotions smashing together and breaking to pieces inside his head like vases being tossed against walls.
But as time goes on, he realizes, would a break do him any good? And more importantly, maybe he doesn’t even want one.
08. TWO ATHEISTS IN LUST.
Dean’s got a case of Wanderlust in the days before he and Sam, Bobby and Castiel are going to set off to Detroit and right into the belly of the whale. He wants to go somewhere, but he’s been so many places, he doesn’t know where the fuck to go (because he doesn’t want to return somewhere he wants to go somewhere, and that’s on repeat in his head).
In the end, he goes to a bar called fuck-knows-what and he drinks until he forgets the name of the town they are in. Sam is somewhere or other. He doesn’t even care right now.
The radio buzzes and everything smells like beer and salt and then Castiel is there and it’s too fast for Dean to even compute what he’s doing and then there in the bathroom, pressed in the corner of a stall, Dean slightly leaning over a dirty toilet to kiss Castiel and kiss him hard.
Dean mutters run-on sentences and he naked to his waist in some direction, he can’t quite tell. At least not until a hand closes around a nipple a pinches and he gets it, Oh, his shirt is off.
Castiel blows Dean, kneeling is sludge and Dean blows Cas as an unvoiced thank you.
They leave the bar through the back door they find stumbling out of the bathroom and Dean doesn’t pay for his beer.
09. TRIED TO KEEP YOU OUT OF HARM.
They get to be about 30 miles from Detroit and Dean can’t take it. He stops and buys crappy Chinese food and a little bottle of champagne.
He pockets the champagne and wakes Sam up when he’s parked at a motel. Sam looks at him, mutters something about not stopping until Detroit that Dean flat-out ignores.
Castiel gets out of the back seat. He slept only briefly during which Dean bought the bottle of champagne with the gold cork-cover.
Sam and Dean eat a lot. Sam thinks of it as his last super, but he doesn’t think of himself anything like Jesus. He isn’t even sure if he believes in that crap anymore. He’s seen too many people with crucifixes around there necks and Bibles in the pockets with their flesh peeled off or impaled of something sharp and made of iron.
Dean doesn’t think of it as anything. He thinks of it as just another day he will not remember. (But he will, forever, and it will haunt him and he may start to hate himself, Dean’s not sure.)
When Sam’s full and sated, Dean slips out of the motel door with Castiel’s hand is his own. He pulls out that tiny bottle of champagne and says, “Figured we should celebrate.”
“What?” Castiel tilts his head and it reminds Dean of when things weren’t the fucking shit they are now.
“I don’t know. Being alive. Being alive and being together. Dying and dying for a good reason. Not breaking apart at the seams. I don’t know. I just want to celebrate.”
They sit on the hood of the Impala, very close, and pass the bottle back and forth between sips. Then Dean kisses Castiel long and messy and loud and that’s it. Dean goes inside with Castiel and they fall asleep like tomorrow won’t be any different that today.
10. BUT NOW YOU’RE CAUGHT IN MY ARMS.
Oh god, tomorrow, fucking tomorrow is today and everything is going to hell and Dean can’t do shit all. He’s giving up his own brother for the greater good and maybe that’ll get him into heaven but Dean doesn’t really care right now. Sam’s going to save everyone.
But right now, Dean could give a right fuck about everyone.
-
fin.
01. FORGIVE THEM, EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT SORRY.
For what it’s worth, a lot of people want Dean Winchester dead. In the beginning, it was just whatever he was trying to slay at the moment, and that was understandable (survival of the fittest, self-defence, and all those things that kind of make being the cause of his hurt shoulder or broken nose okay) and now, it’s all those demons (every single fucking one of them, save for Crowley, and even with him, Dean’s not sure) and some of the angels want him dead, or previously wanted him dead, or almost caused his not-being-born (because that doesn’t count as Death). A handful of Hunters want him dead too.
But he’s not dead, which is good. And he’s got Sammy, Bobby and Cas. That’s good too.
02. THE LONG WINDED BLUES OF THE NEVER.
It’s not really dark, it’s more like someone has set everything to negative and what should be white is black and what should be bright is not.
Sam’s not around and they haven’t been with Bobby in weeks.
It’s Castiel and Dean and everything is moving very fast and very slow in negative.
This is the first sex they’ve had in ages, and it’s so horrible but it’s so good and Dean doesn’t want to think about how messed up and desperate that is, because this is the Apocalypse, he’s allowed to feel that way and right now all he wants to think about is the steady grind of his hips and the return from Castiel.
03. I’M FOREVER BLACK-EYED.
Dean could think of so many people he could apply the phrase they’re Dead too. Sometimes it makes him sad. But mostly, it just makes him mad at the world and everything.
04. WE’RE BOUND TO WAIT ALL NIGHT.
The last few years, Dean’s done well. He may not acknowledge it but he almost knows it. Sam knows it. Castiel knows it and he tries to give his rewards without stating so and give them in abundance.
Like this, Castiel never thought he’d be good at this and the gravel is uncomfortable against his jeans and his knees but Sam is hauled in the hotel room and he just wanted. Not the action itself, or Dean (he always would though) but what Dean would benefit from the action. Which by the looks of; it is a lot.
It’s been a long day or fighting and running (too and from) and Dean would like to curl up and sleep and if Castiel could, he’d like him to curl with him.
05. AND IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT MINE.
The Apocalypse it too damn quiet. It’s supposed to be loud and fiery, with car alarms and broken windows and woman’s screams and crying people assaulting your ears when you roll into a town.
It’s not though. It’s a cough and the buzz of a bug in your ear. Its little things you don’t notice until after it has you and you’re into deep to do anything.
Dean doesn’t understand until later. Because it’s all the more cruel to not be seen than it is to be.
06. MY HEART KEEPS BEATING LIKE A HAMMER.
When Castiel looses everything and keeps going Dean makes a valiant effort to do the same. But he was filled with holy grace before the shit hit the fan so it’s a little harder. Castiel helps, though. He touches Dean with warm hands and gives him soft kisses and its romance at the end of the world and it’s all got this sort of Romeo and Juliet quality to it.
Dean doesn’t think that way. Maybe Castiel does. It doesn’t really matter what they think, though, that’s just what is it, plain and simple. Even if it’s not pointed at and marvelled.
07. WE ARE TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT.
Dean’s sure when, maybe it was when he was a little boy speaking in tongues in a duck bib with a spoon in his mouth. Maybe it was when he was a kid, taking apart rusty cars while Sam hugged a plush rabbit. Maybe it was when he was a teenager, rusty knuckles and hard-ball. Maybe it was before Hell. Maybe after. But Dean knows now. This is never going to stop. He’s never going to get a break.
At first, it makes him mad. Annoyed. Envious. Just plain sad and a cycle of other emotions smashing together and breaking to pieces inside his head like vases being tossed against walls.
But as time goes on, he realizes, would a break do him any good? And more importantly, maybe he doesn’t even want one.
08. TWO ATHEISTS IN LUST.
Dean’s got a case of Wanderlust in the days before he and Sam, Bobby and Castiel are going to set off to Detroit and right into the belly of the whale. He wants to go somewhere, but he’s been so many places, he doesn’t know where the fuck to go (because he doesn’t want to return somewhere he wants to go somewhere, and that’s on repeat in his head).
In the end, he goes to a bar called fuck-knows-what and he drinks until he forgets the name of the town they are in. Sam is somewhere or other. He doesn’t even care right now.
The radio buzzes and everything smells like beer and salt and then Castiel is there and it’s too fast for Dean to even compute what he’s doing and then there in the bathroom, pressed in the corner of a stall, Dean slightly leaning over a dirty toilet to kiss Castiel and kiss him hard.
Dean mutters run-on sentences and he naked to his waist in some direction, he can’t quite tell. At least not until a hand closes around a nipple a pinches and he gets it, Oh, his shirt is off.
Castiel blows Dean, kneeling is sludge and Dean blows Cas as an unvoiced thank you.
They leave the bar through the back door they find stumbling out of the bathroom and Dean doesn’t pay for his beer.
09. TRIED TO KEEP YOU OUT OF HARM.
They get to be about 30 miles from Detroit and Dean can’t take it. He stops and buys crappy Chinese food and a little bottle of champagne.
He pockets the champagne and wakes Sam up when he’s parked at a motel. Sam looks at him, mutters something about not stopping until Detroit that Dean flat-out ignores.
Castiel gets out of the back seat. He slept only briefly during which Dean bought the bottle of champagne with the gold cork-cover.
Sam and Dean eat a lot. Sam thinks of it as his last super, but he doesn’t think of himself anything like Jesus. He isn’t even sure if he believes in that crap anymore. He’s seen too many people with crucifixes around there necks and Bibles in the pockets with their flesh peeled off or impaled of something sharp and made of iron.
Dean doesn’t think of it as anything. He thinks of it as just another day he will not remember. (But he will, forever, and it will haunt him and he may start to hate himself, Dean’s not sure.)
When Sam’s full and sated, Dean slips out of the motel door with Castiel’s hand is his own. He pulls out that tiny bottle of champagne and says, “Figured we should celebrate.”
“What?” Castiel tilts his head and it reminds Dean of when things weren’t the fucking shit they are now.
“I don’t know. Being alive. Being alive and being together. Dying and dying for a good reason. Not breaking apart at the seams. I don’t know. I just want to celebrate.”
They sit on the hood of the Impala, very close, and pass the bottle back and forth between sips. Then Dean kisses Castiel long and messy and loud and that’s it. Dean goes inside with Castiel and they fall asleep like tomorrow won’t be any different that today.
10. BUT NOW YOU’RE CAUGHT IN MY ARMS.
Oh god, tomorrow, fucking tomorrow is today and everything is going to hell and Dean can’t do shit all. He’s giving up his own brother for the greater good and maybe that’ll get him into heaven but Dean doesn’t really care right now. Sam’s going to save everyone.
But right now, Dean could give a right fuck about everyone.
-
fin.