So happy I could
Dear Diary,
I turned 24 yesterday.
When I type it out, it looks young. When I say it, it feels so old. Like I want some of that time back, just in case I might need it. I know, if you’re over the age of, like, 25 you’re ready to punch me in the face. But I need to do the very thing LiveJournalers are ridiculed for and vent as if my life fucking depended on it.
I’m having this whole complex right now, about life, death, and aging. I feel like life is moving so fucking fast and I’m afraid I will never learn how to keep up with it. Every milestone experience feels like an accelerated course and sometimes I sit in bed at night and try to wrap my head around whatever just happened that day and I can’t. It all seems to go too fast for me to intervene, for me to even make sense of. Lately, when confronted with a situation or emotion that overwhelms me, I lose the ability to express myself in any effective way. Weeks and months just keep happening to me. And the fact that every experience I’ve been having lately seems so incredibly elusive has me completely obsessed. And I think this obsession goes beyond some of the melodrama I am prone to. It’s more of an obsessive fear that death will come far too soon and I will have done nothing I can be proud of. It’s more a fear that I may have years even decades more of feeling this; that this feeling may never change. It’s more of a fear that I will never know what it feels like to be so happy I could die. And every year without major accomplishment reminds me of that. And this obsession is compounded by overwhelming sensations of physical, mental, and emotional powerlessness. And I feel simultaneously too old to be feeling so powerless and too young and ill-equipped to change it. And anyway, I spent my birthday, more or less, contemplating these issues and what I can do to best sort them out.
…I also ate Indian food and saw Inception. As far as Inception goes, my mind was blown. Mostly by the special effects and my urge to throw a hamburger phone at Ellen Paige whenever she was on screen. Beyond that, the movie made no sense but I will gladly watch it 100 more times to try and figure it out, paying close attention to any scenes with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
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I turned 24 yesterday.
When I type it out, it looks young. When I say it, it feels so old. Like I want some of that time back, just in case I might need it. I know, if you’re over the age of, like, 25 you’re ready to punch me in the face. But I need to do the very thing LiveJournalers are ridiculed for and vent as if my life fucking depended on it.
I’m having this whole complex right now, about life, death, and aging. I feel like life is moving so fucking fast and I’m afraid I will never learn how to keep up with it. Every milestone experience feels like an accelerated course and sometimes I sit in bed at night and try to wrap my head around whatever just happened that day and I can’t. It all seems to go too fast for me to intervene, for me to even make sense of. Lately, when confronted with a situation or emotion that overwhelms me, I lose the ability to express myself in any effective way. Weeks and months just keep happening to me. And the fact that every experience I’ve been having lately seems so incredibly elusive has me completely obsessed. And I think this obsession goes beyond some of the melodrama I am prone to. It’s more of an obsessive fear that death will come far too soon and I will have done nothing I can be proud of. It’s more a fear that I may have years even decades more of feeling this; that this feeling may never change. It’s more of a fear that I will never know what it feels like to be so happy I could die. And every year without major accomplishment reminds me of that. And this obsession is compounded by overwhelming sensations of physical, mental, and emotional powerlessness. And I feel simultaneously too old to be feeling so powerless and too young and ill-equipped to change it. And anyway, I spent my birthday, more or less, contemplating these issues and what I can do to best sort them out.
…I also ate Indian food and saw Inception. As far as Inception goes, my mind was blown. Mostly by the special effects and my urge to throw a hamburger phone at Ellen Paige whenever she was on screen. Beyond that, the movie made no sense but I will gladly watch it 100 more times to try and figure it out, paying close attention to any scenes with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
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