Exhaustion
I spent my day with my mother. This is almost always a wonderful thing.
Highlight I: My mother and I sat and talked out emotional shit that we always end up talking out whenever we have more than like three hours together. She apologised for my life, cried with me. We talked about why I don't do the whole God thing anymore, not for any lack of belief, I used to have plenty of that, but because it hurts so much to think that some being who's supposed to love me can leave my life to be such shit all the time. We talked about how much everything that has happened still hurts. She made me visualise a moment which still causes me the most grief.
She thought it would be the moment Ed admitted to having an affair. But it was actually the moment that Ed told me that we were moving to Georgia and everyone but me knew - even people who weren't in the family. I remember it perfectly and if I ever did a memoir-like piece, I could actually write that from memory. I don't even remember Ed ever admitting to an affair. xD We bawled at the Tifton Starbucks, the two us sitting there, talking, her praying, we needed to make a napkin run twice.
Highlight II: We went to Sylvester because a Mexican family we know absolutely adores us/me. I ate some of the best food I've ever had since I was actually in Mexico. It was amazing. She wouldn't let us pay for it, and it was one of those instances when I knew why we Hispanics could write things like Magical Realism; I tasted love, tranquility and safety in those dishes, things I don't feel very often. It was one of the best meals I've had in a while, and while we were eating...
Highlight III: They told me that because Ed is still a Mexican citizen, that I could go to university in Mexico. FOR FREE. My mother thinks she's so sly, but I understood everything they said in Spanish. My mother told Monica (the woman who adores me and feeds me for free) that this was the first time she's seen hope in my eyes since I've been here. And I almost started crying again, and then did cry when I asked her about it after we left. So I might be going to school in Mexico come January. That being said, I might stick out my time there and and get my first degree and learn Spanish then get a second one in Mexico. I'm not sure yet. But I'm thinking really hard about it, and I realised today that I will never be able to move on from all this pain until I can be somewhere they haven't tainted with memories. And if that place is Mexico, with Monica and her family, then I'm okay with that.
My mother actually asked me if, saying I could get in before January, I would move to Mexico and would I go to school there. I said yes without hesitation.
TL;DR: it's been a long, emotionally exhausting weekend after a long, emotionally exhausting few weeks. I feel like my batteries may finally be recharging, even through this mess of dysthymia, having nothing left to give. I might be going to school in Mexico.
Also, my mother, looking back upon me as a child, thinks I had serious potential to be autistic. I agree with her.
Highlight I: My mother and I sat and talked out emotional shit that we always end up talking out whenever we have more than like three hours together. She apologised for my life, cried with me. We talked about why I don't do the whole God thing anymore, not for any lack of belief, I used to have plenty of that, but because it hurts so much to think that some being who's supposed to love me can leave my life to be such shit all the time. We talked about how much everything that has happened still hurts. She made me visualise a moment which still causes me the most grief.
She thought it would be the moment Ed admitted to having an affair. But it was actually the moment that Ed told me that we were moving to Georgia and everyone but me knew - even people who weren't in the family. I remember it perfectly and if I ever did a memoir-like piece, I could actually write that from memory. I don't even remember Ed ever admitting to an affair. xD We bawled at the Tifton Starbucks, the two us sitting there, talking, her praying, we needed to make a napkin run twice.
Highlight II: We went to Sylvester because a Mexican family we know absolutely adores us/me. I ate some of the best food I've ever had since I was actually in Mexico. It was amazing. She wouldn't let us pay for it, and it was one of those instances when I knew why we Hispanics could write things like Magical Realism; I tasted love, tranquility and safety in those dishes, things I don't feel very often. It was one of the best meals I've had in a while, and while we were eating...
Highlight III: They told me that because Ed is still a Mexican citizen, that I could go to university in Mexico. FOR FREE. My mother thinks she's so sly, but I understood everything they said in Spanish. My mother told Monica (the woman who adores me and feeds me for free) that this was the first time she's seen hope in my eyes since I've been here. And I almost started crying again, and then did cry when I asked her about it after we left. So I might be going to school in Mexico come January. That being said, I might stick out my time there and and get my first degree and learn Spanish then get a second one in Mexico. I'm not sure yet. But I'm thinking really hard about it, and I realised today that I will never be able to move on from all this pain until I can be somewhere they haven't tainted with memories. And if that place is Mexico, with Monica and her family, then I'm okay with that.
My mother actually asked me if, saying I could get in before January, I would move to Mexico and would I go to school there. I said yes without hesitation.
TL;DR: it's been a long, emotionally exhausting weekend after a long, emotionally exhausting few weeks. I feel like my batteries may finally be recharging, even through this mess of dysthymia, having nothing left to give. I might be going to school in Mexico.
Also, my mother, looking back upon me as a child, thinks I had serious potential to be autistic. I agree with her.