Friend locked? Not sure
Just so we're all clear, this is no personal attack on anyone, this is just my reaction to events that have conspired and are therefore only MY POINTS OF VIEW. It's biased, it's emotional and it's not going to be 100% factual because that's just the nature of human perspective. Sorry about that one, folks.
I seem to have an issue getting myself into situations in which I find myself to be uncomfortable, and I have further issues extricating myself from said situations because I feel it is MY FAULT that I'm uncomfortable and that it is MY PERSONAL issues which cause my discomfort and that I really just need to get over myself and enjoy life 'in the moment.' I'm not generally an 'IN THE MOMENT/CARPE DIEM' kind of person, but I try. Sometimes.
Run-on sentences! Woo! So basically I blame myself for being uncomfortable when I also ~think~ it would be perfectly normal to ~feel~ uncomfortable. (I keep wanting to spell uncomfortable with an 'n' instead of an 'm,' because that's the French way to do it. POX ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES, FRENCH LANGUAGE! D:< Jay-kay, I totally love you. ♥)
It's not fun to be gay. It's really not. I honestly wonder why anyone would THINK that someone 'chooses' to be gay or that it's really just a series of 'lifestyle choices.' Yes, I'm sure there are people who choose to be gay, but there's a metric fuck-ton who don't, and it's not really fair to say that it's a choice. Had I the choice, I would be straight. Or at least bi, so I can pass for being somewhere along the 'norm' for expected human sexuality in this country (world.)
So, to start out this 'one of the more uncomfortable nights of my life,' I'm sitting in a restaurant, a tiny, local Mexican chain called El Sombrero, with my friend Christie. It's pretty good food and it's pretty cheap for what one gets. I enjoy eating there, even if all I get is a vegetarian order with the occasional tamale. One of my other friends (Jami) comes along and brings her boyfriend (Ray) and an old acquaintance of ours (Richard); the two boys have been drinking since mid-afternoon. Christie and I get into discussion with Jami and mostly ignore Ray and Richard since they're drunk and Richard a REALLY obnoxious drunk. He just keeps droning about psychology and random things and won't stop talking because no one else is talking, but no one else can really get a word in because he won't stop talking to 'fill the silence.'
Well, this is MY BLOG, and therefore mostly about MY EXPERIENCES (sorry to cut out all the storytelling/drama/suspense) so I'm going to be skipping around and talking about my personal grievances whilst trying to give some semblance of context. There were, of course, offers of men's penises to help the drunk boys finish their very large margaritas. I don't know about you, but that's kind of offensive. There were offers of various men's bodies and sex with any combination of these straight men just to help with a drink. There was a basic 'threatening' to sleep with me unless there are sips taken, etc. Again, it doesn't really sound that offensive, but it's one of those situations where one might feel exploited for being shown just in what way one is inherently different from the group at large. Various jokes were said and played out, and it was just generally uncomfortable. I'd like to say that I'm not defined solely by my sexuality, even if that is all other people might see. I don't want to be 'that gay guy' that people know. Why can I not just be 'a guy,' or, even more general, 'a person?'
During all this, Bess and her boyfriend of two years, Justin, joined us while we were about to leave. Christie had business to take care of, so I could not go with her (we'd spent most the afternoon/day together) so there were offers of driving me home or going over to Jami's place (with everyone but Christie.) Normally I would have taken up that offer to go home, because I don't hang out with these males. For the aforementioned reasons. But, I told myself that this year I would things I wouldn't normally do, things that made me uncomfortable and things I feared. Trying to grow a bit more this year than the requisite, you know? Also, Jami wanted to make Banana Nut Bread and needed my loaf pan. So I went looking for Jami's care but almost got ran over by Justin's, who then just offerd to drive me to my apartment to get the loaf pan and then drive me to Jami's (since they were going in the first place.
Richard decided he didn't know enough about homosexuality and wanted to ask me questions, which I heartily welcomed, because I can do that - I can answer questions posed to me. They weren't academic or even interesting, but instead were the garden variety 'so there was this gay guy I knew. We hung out a lot. Did he want to fuck me?' To which all I could respond was 'I don't know?' And then, the ever so gracious driver posed a question which kind of floored me.
'If you're gay what's the point of having a sex drive?' Note: he was not drunk, he was not high. (He was driving and I wouldn't get into a car being driven by someone under the influence of any substance that might impair their ability to drive - common sense.) So the question just hung there and then he went on to say it was a 'biological imperative' to procreate, which basically made the point of 'if there is no drive to procreate, then why have sex?'
Old people, young people who never want children, those who have been sterilised because of drugs or other health-related issues, homosexuals, etc. They just shouldn't have a sex drive because there is no point.
In case you can't tell, that's a dehumanisation of an entire sub-species of human. He and Bess have sex. They aren't having sex for procreative purposes either, so what's the point of they having sex? Oh wait, there isn't one until they decide to settle down and carry on their noble bloodlines. What's worse? The person I once called my best friend just kind of sat there and didn't say anything. She didn't defend free-sexuality even though she once did. But it would explain a bit about how she became more gender constrained and why she went from 'LET'S PLAY WITH MAKE-UP!' to '... you should get a haircut, because your hair is kind of girly.' I mean, I can't blame her, the real world is more conservative that we here at this tiny university in the south. But really? I was expecting a little back-up on not being a waste of genes, thanks. Didn't get one and simply made the point, 'do we even need to procreate?' because look at the world - overpopulation, starvation, disease, etc. We don't need to be having more children and should instead focus on taking care of the ones we have that no one is even pretending to care about.
I'm not really a humanist, nor am I really looking to offend anyone, but goddamn. The night got even worse, because once I got to Jami's, Nick, Ian and some guy I've never liked showed up. I don't like Ian. He's never done anything to me personally, but I just don't like him. Nick is cool, though. But then the weed came out and I tried to smoke it for the second time to, yet again, no effect. So I give up ever trying to get something out of smoking marijuana, because it's just not going to happen. Also, did I mention that illegal substances make me uncomfortable? Well, they do. So that just added to my discomfort for the night and I basically just sat there listening to conversation and laughing at Bess, who gets absolutely ridiculous when she's high, and waited until someone was going to go home and just hitch a ride - I would have walked but it was cold and would have been rude.
So basically it was a giant confirmation of why I don't have many male friends and what I'm going to face when I make it out into the real world. Also, it hurt a little, stung a lot and made me angry and depressed. I mean, I was glad I got to hang out Jami and it snowed in these parts for the first time since I've been here. Which should have made everything better. But it didn't.
I don't even know if I should feel vindicated in posting this, because it might just be me being sensitive. But there it went. I'm sick of being a joke because I find men attractive.
I seem to have an issue getting myself into situations in which I find myself to be uncomfortable, and I have further issues extricating myself from said situations because I feel it is MY FAULT that I'm uncomfortable and that it is MY PERSONAL issues which cause my discomfort and that I really just need to get over myself and enjoy life 'in the moment.' I'm not generally an 'IN THE MOMENT/CARPE DIEM' kind of person, but I try. Sometimes.
Run-on sentences! Woo! So basically I blame myself for being uncomfortable when I also ~think~ it would be perfectly normal to ~feel~ uncomfortable. (I keep wanting to spell uncomfortable with an 'n' instead of an 'm,' because that's the French way to do it. POX ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES, FRENCH LANGUAGE! D:< Jay-kay, I totally love you. ♥)
It's not fun to be gay. It's really not. I honestly wonder why anyone would THINK that someone 'chooses' to be gay or that it's really just a series of 'lifestyle choices.' Yes, I'm sure there are people who choose to be gay, but there's a metric fuck-ton who don't, and it's not really fair to say that it's a choice. Had I the choice, I would be straight. Or at least bi, so I can pass for being somewhere along the 'norm' for expected human sexuality in this country (world.)
So, to start out this 'one of the more uncomfortable nights of my life,' I'm sitting in a restaurant, a tiny, local Mexican chain called El Sombrero, with my friend Christie. It's pretty good food and it's pretty cheap for what one gets. I enjoy eating there, even if all I get is a vegetarian order with the occasional tamale. One of my other friends (Jami) comes along and brings her boyfriend (Ray) and an old acquaintance of ours (Richard); the two boys have been drinking since mid-afternoon. Christie and I get into discussion with Jami and mostly ignore Ray and Richard since they're drunk and Richard a REALLY obnoxious drunk. He just keeps droning about psychology and random things and won't stop talking because no one else is talking, but no one else can really get a word in because he won't stop talking to 'fill the silence.'
Well, this is MY BLOG, and therefore mostly about MY EXPERIENCES (sorry to cut out all the storytelling/drama/suspense) so I'm going to be skipping around and talking about my personal grievances whilst trying to give some semblance of context. There were, of course, offers of men's penises to help the drunk boys finish their very large margaritas. I don't know about you, but that's kind of offensive. There were offers of various men's bodies and sex with any combination of these straight men just to help with a drink. There was a basic 'threatening' to sleep with me unless there are sips taken, etc. Again, it doesn't really sound that offensive, but it's one of those situations where one might feel exploited for being shown just in what way one is inherently different from the group at large. Various jokes were said and played out, and it was just generally uncomfortable. I'd like to say that I'm not defined solely by my sexuality, even if that is all other people might see. I don't want to be 'that gay guy' that people know. Why can I not just be 'a guy,' or, even more general, 'a person?'
During all this, Bess and her boyfriend of two years, Justin, joined us while we were about to leave. Christie had business to take care of, so I could not go with her (we'd spent most the afternoon/day together) so there were offers of driving me home or going over to Jami's place (with everyone but Christie.) Normally I would have taken up that offer to go home, because I don't hang out with these males. For the aforementioned reasons. But, I told myself that this year I would things I wouldn't normally do, things that made me uncomfortable and things I feared. Trying to grow a bit more this year than the requisite, you know? Also, Jami wanted to make Banana Nut Bread and needed my loaf pan. So I went looking for Jami's care but almost got ran over by Justin's, who then just offerd to drive me to my apartment to get the loaf pan and then drive me to Jami's (since they were going in the first place.
Richard decided he didn't know enough about homosexuality and wanted to ask me questions, which I heartily welcomed, because I can do that - I can answer questions posed to me. They weren't academic or even interesting, but instead were the garden variety 'so there was this gay guy I knew. We hung out a lot. Did he want to fuck me?' To which all I could respond was 'I don't know?' And then, the ever so gracious driver posed a question which kind of floored me.
'If you're gay what's the point of having a sex drive?' Note: he was not drunk, he was not high. (He was driving and I wouldn't get into a car being driven by someone under the influence of any substance that might impair their ability to drive - common sense.) So the question just hung there and then he went on to say it was a 'biological imperative' to procreate, which basically made the point of 'if there is no drive to procreate, then why have sex?'
Old people, young people who never want children, those who have been sterilised because of drugs or other health-related issues, homosexuals, etc. They just shouldn't have a sex drive because there is no point.
In case you can't tell, that's a dehumanisation of an entire sub-species of human. He and Bess have sex. They aren't having sex for procreative purposes either, so what's the point of they having sex? Oh wait, there isn't one until they decide to settle down and carry on their noble bloodlines. What's worse? The person I once called my best friend just kind of sat there and didn't say anything. She didn't defend free-sexuality even though she once did. But it would explain a bit about how she became more gender constrained and why she went from 'LET'S PLAY WITH MAKE-UP!' to '... you should get a haircut, because your hair is kind of girly.' I mean, I can't blame her, the real world is more conservative that we here at this tiny university in the south. But really? I was expecting a little back-up on not being a waste of genes, thanks. Didn't get one and simply made the point, 'do we even need to procreate?' because look at the world - overpopulation, starvation, disease, etc. We don't need to be having more children and should instead focus on taking care of the ones we have that no one is even pretending to care about.
I'm not really a humanist, nor am I really looking to offend anyone, but goddamn. The night got even worse, because once I got to Jami's, Nick, Ian and some guy I've never liked showed up. I don't like Ian. He's never done anything to me personally, but I just don't like him. Nick is cool, though. But then the weed came out and I tried to smoke it for the second time to, yet again, no effect. So I give up ever trying to get something out of smoking marijuana, because it's just not going to happen. Also, did I mention that illegal substances make me uncomfortable? Well, they do. So that just added to my discomfort for the night and I basically just sat there listening to conversation and laughing at Bess, who gets absolutely ridiculous when she's high, and waited until someone was going to go home and just hitch a ride - I would have walked but it was cold and would have been rude.
So basically it was a giant confirmation of why I don't have many male friends and what I'm going to face when I make it out into the real world. Also, it hurt a little, stung a lot and made me angry and depressed. I mean, I was glad I got to hang out Jami and it snowed in these parts for the first time since I've been here. Which should have made everything better. But it didn't.
I don't even know if I should feel vindicated in posting this, because it might just be me being sensitive. But there it went. I'm sick of being a joke because I find men attractive.