boy, will this be a good one
This has been quite the interesting weekend.
Let's start with last weekend, shall we?
Jackie was out of town and Forest was still at home, so Mary and I threw a party. There were only about ten of us here, but we all had fun and drank a lot. As in, a lot more than intended. I ended up going upstairs with Conor for a reason I don't remember, and all I remember after that was that suddenly I started crying, and then about an hour later I was STILL bawling into his chest. He kept hugging me and comforting me though, and then in the morning he just held me and said he didn't mind, it had been interesting. I figured I had just been crying about my social issues with my friends, so it was just a little embarrassing. He left and that was it.
On Tuesday Jenni and I went down to Chicago to celebrate Pat's 21st and to see Genevieve for an evening. Everything was cool, we met Conor and his best friends Trevor at the bar, we all had a little too much beer, whatever. Decent evening.
WELL. Let's see. Thursday night I went to the lake to watch fireworks with Jenni and Danielle, and I texted Conor to see whether he'd have time to hang out at all this weekend. He said we'd see, because he had a lot of writing to do. I assumed he would, so that was that.
Friday night! Yeah. He texted to see what the plan was, and I said I was just staying in, but he should let me know if wanted to hang out. He texted me later in the night saying he was a bit drunk and needed to get out of the house, so I told him to come over.
Turns out he was quite drunk. He came in and started ranting about how unhappy he is right now. "There is nothing in Milwaukee. The only good things about being here are writing and working out." Nice, right? He always knows how to flatter me. Many more complaints were made, I don't feel like typing them all again... but basically all of them made me feel like shit, despite the fact that he kept telling me not to take it personally. But when he says no one around here likes talking to him, when I am obviously talking to him, how am I supposed to feel?
Anyway, here's the fun part. We started talking about last weekend and my outburst, and he asked how much I remembered about what we said. I told him nothing, and he got quiet, and informed me that the reason I started crying was that he told me he wanted to go back to just being friends with benefits. BAM.
Yeah, I had been half-single for a WEEK without knowing it. I am officially done with heavy drinking.
He said he just can't handle being someone's number one; he needs to be a "side option." It completely contradicts our whole conversation about how no one wants to talk to him more than anyone else, and I really want to bring that up, but who knows if I'll be brave enough.
So I was unaware of where we stood because he was not in a state to discuss it fully, but he kissed me goodbye and said that maybe he'd sleep over Saturday, so I figured we were just together, but unofficially, like we were in, oh, April.
This is the petty part of the entry where I become paranoid and accusatory, so forgive me.
Jenni and I went to dinner Saturday downtown to discuss things, and as we were walking back, who do we see headed towards us? Conor and a girl. His friend he just met last week. Nicole, spelled Nichole. I'm sure she's great, but the previous night in his drunked state, he had mentioned her as being one of the only people in Milwaukee he likes talking to (I didn't make the list). So with us freshly in a state of ambiguous shambles, how am I supposed to feel about him walking around with a girl he obviously enjoys?
He crossed the street to say hi to us, introduced us to her, and said they were going to meet Pat and Liz and Eleni down by the lake. I don't remember why, I was blacking out in shock by this point. He told me to call him later in the night to tell him my plans.
I didn't. Am I wrong? I was super annoyed. Not really angry, I don't have the right to be angry, but I am extremely bothered by the fact that I was freaking out over this brand new news of my disassembled love life, and he was spending the afternoon out and about with another girl. He and I haven't even hung out downtown besides the concert he took me to, but I was only invited because Rachel was out of town. Dude.
So I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me. I desperately want to talk to him about this, NEED to, but I really think I need to let him contact me. Right..?
I just can't get that image out of my head. I'm afraid to walk around campus, or the city, because I feel like I'll see him with someone else that he prefers over me, his hot side option. I don't even know if I want to fix this, I just know I want to talk about it honestly, sober, with him. I need to know what's going on. I don't deserve to be jerked around like this.
Fuck, he just signed onto AIM. Wish me luck.
Let's start with last weekend, shall we?
Jackie was out of town and Forest was still at home, so Mary and I threw a party. There were only about ten of us here, but we all had fun and drank a lot. As in, a lot more than intended. I ended up going upstairs with Conor for a reason I don't remember, and all I remember after that was that suddenly I started crying, and then about an hour later I was STILL bawling into his chest. He kept hugging me and comforting me though, and then in the morning he just held me and said he didn't mind, it had been interesting. I figured I had just been crying about my social issues with my friends, so it was just a little embarrassing. He left and that was it.
On Tuesday Jenni and I went down to Chicago to celebrate Pat's 21st and to see Genevieve for an evening. Everything was cool, we met Conor and his best friends Trevor at the bar, we all had a little too much beer, whatever. Decent evening.
WELL. Let's see. Thursday night I went to the lake to watch fireworks with Jenni and Danielle, and I texted Conor to see whether he'd have time to hang out at all this weekend. He said we'd see, because he had a lot of writing to do. I assumed he would, so that was that.
Friday night! Yeah. He texted to see what the plan was, and I said I was just staying in, but he should let me know if wanted to hang out. He texted me later in the night saying he was a bit drunk and needed to get out of the house, so I told him to come over.
Turns out he was quite drunk. He came in and started ranting about how unhappy he is right now. "There is nothing in Milwaukee. The only good things about being here are writing and working out." Nice, right? He always knows how to flatter me. Many more complaints were made, I don't feel like typing them all again... but basically all of them made me feel like shit, despite the fact that he kept telling me not to take it personally. But when he says no one around here likes talking to him, when I am obviously talking to him, how am I supposed to feel?
Anyway, here's the fun part. We started talking about last weekend and my outburst, and he asked how much I remembered about what we said. I told him nothing, and he got quiet, and informed me that the reason I started crying was that he told me he wanted to go back to just being friends with benefits. BAM.
Yeah, I had been half-single for a WEEK without knowing it. I am officially done with heavy drinking.
He said he just can't handle being someone's number one; he needs to be a "side option." It completely contradicts our whole conversation about how no one wants to talk to him more than anyone else, and I really want to bring that up, but who knows if I'll be brave enough.
So I was unaware of where we stood because he was not in a state to discuss it fully, but he kissed me goodbye and said that maybe he'd sleep over Saturday, so I figured we were just together, but unofficially, like we were in, oh, April.
This is the petty part of the entry where I become paranoid and accusatory, so forgive me.
Jenni and I went to dinner Saturday downtown to discuss things, and as we were walking back, who do we see headed towards us? Conor and a girl. His friend he just met last week. Nicole, spelled Nichole. I'm sure she's great, but the previous night in his drunked state, he had mentioned her as being one of the only people in Milwaukee he likes talking to (I didn't make the list). So with us freshly in a state of ambiguous shambles, how am I supposed to feel about him walking around with a girl he obviously enjoys?
He crossed the street to say hi to us, introduced us to her, and said they were going to meet Pat and Liz and Eleni down by the lake. I don't remember why, I was blacking out in shock by this point. He told me to call him later in the night to tell him my plans.
I didn't. Am I wrong? I was super annoyed. Not really angry, I don't have the right to be angry, but I am extremely bothered by the fact that I was freaking out over this brand new news of my disassembled love life, and he was spending the afternoon out and about with another girl. He and I haven't even hung out downtown besides the concert he took me to, but I was only invited because Rachel was out of town. Dude.
So I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me. I desperately want to talk to him about this, NEED to, but I really think I need to let him contact me. Right..?
I just can't get that image out of my head. I'm afraid to walk around campus, or the city, because I feel like I'll see him with someone else that he prefers over me, his hot side option. I don't even know if I want to fix this, I just know I want to talk about it honestly, sober, with him. I need to know what's going on. I don't deserve to be jerked around like this.
Fuck, he just signed onto AIM. Wish me luck.