i've become so numb
i've become so numb
pg-13 (seungho-centric, soyeon/seungho, jooyeon/g.o)
he refuses to believe that he is as broken as all of them are
a/n: a long piece of just .. angst.
he doesn't know what to say when he sees joon like that, like this, at the table with a frown plastered upon his face - lips pulled downward and the gaze in his eyes gone and somewhere far off, unreachable and lost and simply vacant, and seungho only stares. he wants to reach out and place a hand on joon's shoulder, give it a light squeeze and just tell him, i know how you feel, because he fucking does. but all things considered, seungho just doesn't do it. he doesn't give him a comforting gaze like mir does, nor does he look at him worriedly like cheondung - instead he lets himself become a little more numb than he already is because if he doesn't it just shows that he's just as broken as all of them are, and then who the hell is he to be leader?
"changsun, if you're going to be frowning like that," seungho starts, "then go eat your food somewhere else, because we don't need that here." and he finishes.
g.o looks up from his own plate at the sudden breaking of silence and seungho watches as joon's fingers tighten around his fork.
"hyung .." mir whispers in a timid voice, his eyes quivering and not leaving joon's stolid expression before he pushes his (untouched) plate away.
"i'm not that hungry anyways," joon mutters under his breath as gets up and leaves like a mouse, entering into his room and getting the sleep that he knows he needs.
g.o simply stabs his fork into joon's chicken. "more for us boys."
seungho finds himself awake more often in the middle of nights, a lump in his throat that he can't seem to swallow.
(it's growing, the anxiety, he thinks. it leaves him in a cold sweat - breathless and tired and all be it restless as he shuffles to his feet, panting for air, trying to breathe in something that still lets him know that he's alive and that he's a person. a strong person, a leader, yang seungho, and that he's not insanely broken like he knows he really is, just like the rest of them.)
he scrambles out of bed and drags himself out of the room and into the kitchen, his steps quiet and nonthreatening to break the silence of the hours they actually do get for sleep. he walks into the kitchen and pulls out a glass to pour water in until he hears these faint whispers. his body tenses as he stares absentmindedly into the fridge, hearing these broken words behind broken cries and he curses himself because he can actually understand them as if they were whole.
"it's just so hard dara-noona," seungho hears cheondung whisper into his phone with a quavering voice that threatens to shatter any moment.
the lump in his throat (in his heart) only grows a little bit bigger as he slams the fridge door with a loud thud and it suddenly goes quiet again when he walks back into his room.
he stares up at the ceiling with mir, letting out this half hearted laugh that's weak and strained but it's something. they're reminiscing about seungho's magician days that got him all the girls, and mir's cows.
"there were a lot of them. i liked giving them american names like alison," mir says with his eyelids half open and his heart completely bare when he just lets a small whimper escape his lips.
"i just .. really miss it all. i miss the farm .. and the cows, you know?" his arm is covering his eyes and seungho catches a glimpse of tears and he just wants to punch something. seungho utters this chuckle, cold and bitter as he sits up, shaking his head with this smirk pulling on his lips.
"seriously cheolyong?" he spits venom while he scoffs, as if the sight in front of him was the most disgusting thing in the world.
"no cheolyong. no, i don't know, because i worked my ass off for this, for all off this, and saying you miss a farm? pathetic," his closes his eyes and isn't surprised to hear mir get up and slam a door only a few seconds later.
seungho likes g.o the most.
(he knows g.o has been absorbed into this whole company already, eaten up, chewed, and spit out like he was nothing. because seungho realizes that they are nothing. they're just faces in the crowd of what will be old news tomorrow, they're just there. he likes g.o the most because he believes that he has become just as numb as he has - that he knows it's smart not to feel anything, not to miss anything, because there was no longer any point. and it doesn't scare him how one could become so much like ice, because he knows no one in the business can tell that they're still kids, even at the age of twenty three.)
he respects g.o's privacy, especially when jooyeon is over, "we're just going to talk in the room, i hope you don't mind." and seungho just nods, thinking it's the usual secret code, we're just going to make out, come in and you die.
and that's what he expects to see when he really needs to get his cell phone out of the room when he opens the door - he expects to see jooyeon and g.o making out - not this.
his fingers tighten against the knob of the door when he sees g.o's face burried into jooyeon's shoulder - when he hears jooyeon tell him, "byunghee, it's okay, all your hard work is going to pay off."
he stands there for a moment, staring at the scene unfolding in front of him, and g.o lifts his head up to reveal the whites of his eyes stained red from tears - and he just closes the door.
jooyeon shuffles out of the room a few minutes later, her things in her arms because he figures she's embarrassed, but seungho thinks g.o is the one who should be more ashamed. "i'll see you soon seungho," she says nonchalantly as she passes by where he stood in the kitchen before he reaches out and grabs her wrist.
"jooyeon," his tone is harsh as his grip only tightens and undoubtedly, jooyeon is taken back.
"yes?"
seungho inhales deeply before speaking again, "i don't know what happened in there .. but whatever byunghee might have told you .. about needing you? it's a lie. so i suggest you don't come back here again."
jooyeon's bottom lip trembles until she bites down on it hard and pulls her wrist away. he can't see her eyes under her dark lashes, but she leaves without a sound.
"you know, i'm surprised you're here visiting me at ten o clock at night .. when your schedule starts at four in the morning, and you could be sleeping," soyeon has this bright smile that seungho rarely notices anymore (it's too bright for his liking, too forced - and he figures she might as well just frown.)
he sits on her bed and lifts his shoulders in a small shrug, "are you sure that eunjung is fine having me here?" he asks with his eyes glued to the floor.
soyeon simply rolls her eyes and takes a seat next to him, "oh, who cares? not like you haven't been over before. so, what's up?" she punches his shoulder lightly with these sparkling orbs that he finds himself staring at. she just stares right back though, unperturbed by nothing except for the fact that he just looks so dull. so empty. "is everything okay?" she asks in a whisper this time, the concern showing all over her expression.
seungho just nods his head half heartedly before leaning forward and pressing his lips against hers. soyeon goes wide eyed, shuddering at his touch, from his kiss, but it's only moments until she finds herself kissing him back. he places a hand on the side of her face as he presses a little harder, soyeon whispering against his lips, "i .. didn't know you liked me."
she can feel him smirk from the statement and he just responds in between kisses, "i know this is what you want."
he pushes her down onto the bed, hovering over her as he leans down again. soyeon finds herself smiling before speaking again, "is this what you want?" she asks. seungho's lips trail down her neck and she feels his hand linger on the hem of her shirt, "i don't know what i want." and soyeon immediately freezes under his touch, the smile quickly disappearing before she sits up and pushes him away lightly.
"..what? then what are you doing? what the hell does that mean, i don't know what i want?" she repeats incredulous and hurt as her gaze catches his. seungho leans forward again (he just wants to feel, he wants to feel something except for the ache in his heart) - "i didn't mean it like that soyeon, come on -"
"no, you did mean it like that," she shoves him this time and stands up from the bed, her hands shaking as she runs her fingers back through her hair. she utters a mocking laugh, eyes attached to the ceiling because she can't bare to even look at him at the moment.
"wow seungho," she mumbles. "wow. just .. just fucking fantastic - you .. you are an ass, you know that?"
"soyeon -"
"you just used me, right there," she points to the bed. "right there to get whatever thrill is going on in your sick mind right now, because .. i can't even look at you right now," she whispers before pressing the palm of her hand to her forehead, still staring at the ceiling.
"soyeon, it's not like you didn't want it. i see the way you look at me," he stands up, "you're blowing it out of proportion, all i said was -"
"all you said was you didn't know what you want. you couldn't even say me," her tone is raised harshly as she shakes her head.
"and the way i look at you? you saw the way i looked at you, but not anymore seungho -"
"soyeon .."
"get out." she walks over to the door and swings it open, revealing the other t-ara members in the living room.
qri stares at them two before speaking, "what's going on?"
"seungho was just leaving."
"no, i wasn't -"
"yes, you were. seungho, get out." her voice cracks as she stares at him through glassy eyes, these acidic tears that burn into him falling down her cheeks.
"get out!"
and he leaves like he was never there, hyomin and boram quick to go to soyeon's side before he closes the door behind him.
"why are you home late?" g.o asks as soon as seungho enters their room.
seungho simply shrugs and drops his jacket on the bed, "i don't know, i'm going to sle -"
it's a blur and then g.o has him slammed against the wall, his forearm at seungho's throat.
"byunghee, what the fuck!" seungho yells at him with a weak attempt to shove back but g.o is using all his strength to keep seungho pinned against the wall.
"me? what the fuck to me? what the fuck to you!" g.o yells back.
"who the hell are you? who are you now seungho? making joon feel like crap and making mir cry - who the hell do you think you are - "
"they're not strong enough, if someone doesn't tell them to get a reality check, if someone doesn't tell them that this world isn't going to be easy, then who will? because i thought you and i were on the same page, but no - you've shed your share of tears to, haven't you? now let me go -"
g.o scoffs and lets out a sadistic laugh, cursing under his breath, "you know, you're so lucky i don't punch you straight dab in the face right now. you're so lucky we have a schedule in six hours, because the black eye i would give you would need days to heal." he doesn't let his hold on seungho go, but g.o just shakes his head - his voice weak and tired.
"we're all tired .. we're all broken - and whether you would like to admit that or not seungho, that is your own problem. but going around breaking other people? having hwayoung call me because you made soyeon cry and lock herself in her room? if anyone is pathetic here, it's you," and he backs away, leaving seungho to slide his back against the wall, rubbing at his probably bruised throat.
g.o turns on his heel and is simply about to walk away, but he just curls his fingers and turns,
"and i swear to god, if i ever find out that you said anything hurtful to jooyeon again - i will not hesitate to break you physically."
seungho finds himself lingering on the edge of the apartment building, the sky is bruised and battered and the sun is slowly rising - and he wonders if that's what his heart must look like right now.
black and blue, and not entirely whole - not entirely there, because it's not broken, it's shattered. it's two hours until their next schedule, but he thinks he could end it now - just jump.
because he's willing to take that risk - he's willing to feel something, to feel anything; so he lingers on the edge of the building. inhaling, exhaling, and just trying to absorb everything that's he done, everything that he has become numb to.
he's like a tragic hero, flawed in every sort, letting his pride blind him from everything he once had.
(and once is the key word, because they're not his anymore, and he thinks they never were - mblaq, soyeon, everything - they really never were his because he isn't sure if he ever wanted them. but in reality, he did - he needed them, and he watched them slip through his fingers.)
and seungho remembers why he became numb, because he didn't want to feel this. the hurt, the pain, the sorrow, the suffering, but in becoming frozen all the same time he lost himself in how to feel alive.
seungho just edges himself to the corner a little closer, his lips trembling and his heart crumbling because he finally feels it all in one blow.
it's when he feels tears gathering at the rims of his eyes that he just lets go and clenches his fist and just takes a step back.
and he just screams.
-
extended a/n! i wrote this awhile ago and i decided to post it as my last thing before my hiatus, the ending is a little blah to me, but feedback is appreciated <3
pg-13 (seungho-centric, soyeon/seungho, jooyeon/g.o)
he refuses to believe that he is as broken as all of them are
a/n: a long piece of just .. angst.
he doesn't know what to say when he sees joon like that, like this, at the table with a frown plastered upon his face - lips pulled downward and the gaze in his eyes gone and somewhere far off, unreachable and lost and simply vacant, and seungho only stares. he wants to reach out and place a hand on joon's shoulder, give it a light squeeze and just tell him, i know how you feel, because he fucking does. but all things considered, seungho just doesn't do it. he doesn't give him a comforting gaze like mir does, nor does he look at him worriedly like cheondung - instead he lets himself become a little more numb than he already is because if he doesn't it just shows that he's just as broken as all of them are, and then who the hell is he to be leader?
"changsun, if you're going to be frowning like that," seungho starts, "then go eat your food somewhere else, because we don't need that here." and he finishes.
g.o looks up from his own plate at the sudden breaking of silence and seungho watches as joon's fingers tighten around his fork.
"hyung .." mir whispers in a timid voice, his eyes quivering and not leaving joon's stolid expression before he pushes his (untouched) plate away.
"i'm not that hungry anyways," joon mutters under his breath as gets up and leaves like a mouse, entering into his room and getting the sleep that he knows he needs.
g.o simply stabs his fork into joon's chicken. "more for us boys."
seungho finds himself awake more often in the middle of nights, a lump in his throat that he can't seem to swallow.
(it's growing, the anxiety, he thinks. it leaves him in a cold sweat - breathless and tired and all be it restless as he shuffles to his feet, panting for air, trying to breathe in something that still lets him know that he's alive and that he's a person. a strong person, a leader, yang seungho, and that he's not insanely broken like he knows he really is, just like the rest of them.)
he scrambles out of bed and drags himself out of the room and into the kitchen, his steps quiet and nonthreatening to break the silence of the hours they actually do get for sleep. he walks into the kitchen and pulls out a glass to pour water in until he hears these faint whispers. his body tenses as he stares absentmindedly into the fridge, hearing these broken words behind broken cries and he curses himself because he can actually understand them as if they were whole.
"it's just so hard dara-noona," seungho hears cheondung whisper into his phone with a quavering voice that threatens to shatter any moment.
the lump in his throat (in his heart) only grows a little bit bigger as he slams the fridge door with a loud thud and it suddenly goes quiet again when he walks back into his room.
he stares up at the ceiling with mir, letting out this half hearted laugh that's weak and strained but it's something. they're reminiscing about seungho's magician days that got him all the girls, and mir's cows.
"there were a lot of them. i liked giving them american names like alison," mir says with his eyelids half open and his heart completely bare when he just lets a small whimper escape his lips.
"i just .. really miss it all. i miss the farm .. and the cows, you know?" his arm is covering his eyes and seungho catches a glimpse of tears and he just wants to punch something. seungho utters this chuckle, cold and bitter as he sits up, shaking his head with this smirk pulling on his lips.
"seriously cheolyong?" he spits venom while he scoffs, as if the sight in front of him was the most disgusting thing in the world.
"no cheolyong. no, i don't know, because i worked my ass off for this, for all off this, and saying you miss a farm? pathetic," his closes his eyes and isn't surprised to hear mir get up and slam a door only a few seconds later.
seungho likes g.o the most.
(he knows g.o has been absorbed into this whole company already, eaten up, chewed, and spit out like he was nothing. because seungho realizes that they are nothing. they're just faces in the crowd of what will be old news tomorrow, they're just there. he likes g.o the most because he believes that he has become just as numb as he has - that he knows it's smart not to feel anything, not to miss anything, because there was no longer any point. and it doesn't scare him how one could become so much like ice, because he knows no one in the business can tell that they're still kids, even at the age of twenty three.)
he respects g.o's privacy, especially when jooyeon is over, "we're just going to talk in the room, i hope you don't mind." and seungho just nods, thinking it's the usual secret code, we're just going to make out, come in and you die.
and that's what he expects to see when he really needs to get his cell phone out of the room when he opens the door - he expects to see jooyeon and g.o making out - not this.
his fingers tighten against the knob of the door when he sees g.o's face burried into jooyeon's shoulder - when he hears jooyeon tell him, "byunghee, it's okay, all your hard work is going to pay off."
he stands there for a moment, staring at the scene unfolding in front of him, and g.o lifts his head up to reveal the whites of his eyes stained red from tears - and he just closes the door.
jooyeon shuffles out of the room a few minutes later, her things in her arms because he figures she's embarrassed, but seungho thinks g.o is the one who should be more ashamed. "i'll see you soon seungho," she says nonchalantly as she passes by where he stood in the kitchen before he reaches out and grabs her wrist.
"jooyeon," his tone is harsh as his grip only tightens and undoubtedly, jooyeon is taken back.
"yes?"
seungho inhales deeply before speaking again, "i don't know what happened in there .. but whatever byunghee might have told you .. about needing you? it's a lie. so i suggest you don't come back here again."
jooyeon's bottom lip trembles until she bites down on it hard and pulls her wrist away. he can't see her eyes under her dark lashes, but she leaves without a sound.
"you know, i'm surprised you're here visiting me at ten o clock at night .. when your schedule starts at four in the morning, and you could be sleeping," soyeon has this bright smile that seungho rarely notices anymore (it's too bright for his liking, too forced - and he figures she might as well just frown.)
he sits on her bed and lifts his shoulders in a small shrug, "are you sure that eunjung is fine having me here?" he asks with his eyes glued to the floor.
soyeon simply rolls her eyes and takes a seat next to him, "oh, who cares? not like you haven't been over before. so, what's up?" she punches his shoulder lightly with these sparkling orbs that he finds himself staring at. she just stares right back though, unperturbed by nothing except for the fact that he just looks so dull. so empty. "is everything okay?" she asks in a whisper this time, the concern showing all over her expression.
seungho just nods his head half heartedly before leaning forward and pressing his lips against hers. soyeon goes wide eyed, shuddering at his touch, from his kiss, but it's only moments until she finds herself kissing him back. he places a hand on the side of her face as he presses a little harder, soyeon whispering against his lips, "i .. didn't know you liked me."
she can feel him smirk from the statement and he just responds in between kisses, "i know this is what you want."
he pushes her down onto the bed, hovering over her as he leans down again. soyeon finds herself smiling before speaking again, "is this what you want?" she asks. seungho's lips trail down her neck and she feels his hand linger on the hem of her shirt, "i don't know what i want." and soyeon immediately freezes under his touch, the smile quickly disappearing before she sits up and pushes him away lightly.
"..what? then what are you doing? what the hell does that mean, i don't know what i want?" she repeats incredulous and hurt as her gaze catches his. seungho leans forward again (he just wants to feel, he wants to feel something except for the ache in his heart) - "i didn't mean it like that soyeon, come on -"
"no, you did mean it like that," she shoves him this time and stands up from the bed, her hands shaking as she runs her fingers back through her hair. she utters a mocking laugh, eyes attached to the ceiling because she can't bare to even look at him at the moment.
"wow seungho," she mumbles. "wow. just .. just fucking fantastic - you .. you are an ass, you know that?"
"soyeon -"
"you just used me, right there," she points to the bed. "right there to get whatever thrill is going on in your sick mind right now, because .. i can't even look at you right now," she whispers before pressing the palm of her hand to her forehead, still staring at the ceiling.
"soyeon, it's not like you didn't want it. i see the way you look at me," he stands up, "you're blowing it out of proportion, all i said was -"
"all you said was you didn't know what you want. you couldn't even say me," her tone is raised harshly as she shakes her head.
"and the way i look at you? you saw the way i looked at you, but not anymore seungho -"
"soyeon .."
"get out." she walks over to the door and swings it open, revealing the other t-ara members in the living room.
qri stares at them two before speaking, "what's going on?"
"seungho was just leaving."
"no, i wasn't -"
"yes, you were. seungho, get out." her voice cracks as she stares at him through glassy eyes, these acidic tears that burn into him falling down her cheeks.
"get out!"
and he leaves like he was never there, hyomin and boram quick to go to soyeon's side before he closes the door behind him.
"why are you home late?" g.o asks as soon as seungho enters their room.
seungho simply shrugs and drops his jacket on the bed, "i don't know, i'm going to sle -"
it's a blur and then g.o has him slammed against the wall, his forearm at seungho's throat.
"byunghee, what the fuck!" seungho yells at him with a weak attempt to shove back but g.o is using all his strength to keep seungho pinned against the wall.
"me? what the fuck to me? what the fuck to you!" g.o yells back.
"who the hell are you? who are you now seungho? making joon feel like crap and making mir cry - who the hell do you think you are - "
"they're not strong enough, if someone doesn't tell them to get a reality check, if someone doesn't tell them that this world isn't going to be easy, then who will? because i thought you and i were on the same page, but no - you've shed your share of tears to, haven't you? now let me go -"
g.o scoffs and lets out a sadistic laugh, cursing under his breath, "you know, you're so lucky i don't punch you straight dab in the face right now. you're so lucky we have a schedule in six hours, because the black eye i would give you would need days to heal." he doesn't let his hold on seungho go, but g.o just shakes his head - his voice weak and tired.
"we're all tired .. we're all broken - and whether you would like to admit that or not seungho, that is your own problem. but going around breaking other people? having hwayoung call me because you made soyeon cry and lock herself in her room? if anyone is pathetic here, it's you," and he backs away, leaving seungho to slide his back against the wall, rubbing at his probably bruised throat.
g.o turns on his heel and is simply about to walk away, but he just curls his fingers and turns,
"and i swear to god, if i ever find out that you said anything hurtful to jooyeon again - i will not hesitate to break you physically."
seungho finds himself lingering on the edge of the apartment building, the sky is bruised and battered and the sun is slowly rising - and he wonders if that's what his heart must look like right now.
black and blue, and not entirely whole - not entirely there, because it's not broken, it's shattered. it's two hours until their next schedule, but he thinks he could end it now - just jump.
because he's willing to take that risk - he's willing to feel something, to feel anything; so he lingers on the edge of the building. inhaling, exhaling, and just trying to absorb everything that's he done, everything that he has become numb to.
he's like a tragic hero, flawed in every sort, letting his pride blind him from everything he once had.
(and once is the key word, because they're not his anymore, and he thinks they never were - mblaq, soyeon, everything - they really never were his because he isn't sure if he ever wanted them. but in reality, he did - he needed them, and he watched them slip through his fingers.)
and seungho remembers why he became numb, because he didn't want to feel this. the hurt, the pain, the sorrow, the suffering, but in becoming frozen all the same time he lost himself in how to feel alive.
seungho just edges himself to the corner a little closer, his lips trembling and his heart crumbling because he finally feels it all in one blow.
it's when he feels tears gathering at the rims of his eyes that he just lets go and clenches his fist and just takes a step back.
and he just screams.
-
extended a/n! i wrote this awhile ago and i decided to post it as my last thing before my hiatus, the ending is a little blah to me, but feedback is appreciated <3