yeaarrgghh...
It's late, and as usual, my overactive mind has kept me wide awake.
Have you ever felt so ...well, chastened by someone that they made you feel like a child again? Sometimes they don't even need words to do it. It's in their expression, their body language, their eyes. Sometimes, you didn't do a thing, and they turn that look on you....
It's frightening to me. It makes me look at all the good and all the bad that is who I am, and just stare... It's humbling and humiliating. Degrading and life-changing. It's surprising and saddening. How often are we truly forced to completely look at who we are and come to terms with it? That's been happening a lot lately. With work and everything else. The things I thought were strong points of my character are weak...the faults are so much more visible, like scratches on a clean pane of glass.
I yearn for change, yet have no where to begin. Impasses suck.
I want to withdraw...to just hide. That way, no one else can see the faults, no one can see all the dirt that comes to the air. All of those old buried skeletons can just stay buried...under mounds and mounds of dirt. All those bones can stay there where no one would trip over them and hurt me...or where any of the bones can come up and hurt anyone else. I've always been one to worry about how the things I do, or the way I think would project to others. I worry about strange, small things. Items most people wouldn't pay any concious attention....but still make a subconcious impression.
It is sooo difficult. Trying to live a truly Christian life. You're constantly battling all those natural urges that want to go too far to feed themselves. On top of that, you're striving to not only change the way you live, but also the way you think. Even your thoughts can be damning. I know forgiveness....it's the one thing I can always and will always be thankful for...HE gave us a way out. Safety. But here I am, forever panicking that I will be the one to go down in history as doing it wrong...as missing that one little thing and falling. It terrifies me. I've dreamt of hell. I woke up screaming. I'm terrified that I would miss the one thing that's managed to keep me sane, that's held me here when times were the roughest. The one constant presence I could depend on just being there....even when I couldn't see Him. Even when the people that were there physically, weren't there any other way.
In some ways I feel I dwell on these subjects too much. That one fleeting glimpse, or the vague idea of eternity that my mind can wrap around is so vast and so frightening...there are times I think I NEED to think on these things more. That maybe, just maybe, by the eventual whittling away of time and effort, I'd eventually be able to be fully at peace. To know that yes, I am faulty...in many ways...but that's ok. Those character flaws I hunger to change will be...and have been. Until then I can hope...and pray.
I honestly don't mind if my faith bothers anyone. There is no reason it should. You don't need to read, you don't need to watch. Turn your head and look the other way. Change the channel. If others are praying, meditate, or practice your own religion or lack thereof... we'll respect your right to ideas... as long as you respect ours. And just like as little kids, there is no "you go first". Somehow those arguments always ended in..."ok, so let's do it at the same time...on three. 1...2...3..."
Have you ever felt so ...well, chastened by someone that they made you feel like a child again? Sometimes they don't even need words to do it. It's in their expression, their body language, their eyes. Sometimes, you didn't do a thing, and they turn that look on you....
It's frightening to me. It makes me look at all the good and all the bad that is who I am, and just stare... It's humbling and humiliating. Degrading and life-changing. It's surprising and saddening. How often are we truly forced to completely look at who we are and come to terms with it? That's been happening a lot lately. With work and everything else. The things I thought were strong points of my character are weak...the faults are so much more visible, like scratches on a clean pane of glass.
I yearn for change, yet have no where to begin. Impasses suck.
I want to withdraw...to just hide. That way, no one else can see the faults, no one can see all the dirt that comes to the air. All of those old buried skeletons can just stay buried...under mounds and mounds of dirt. All those bones can stay there where no one would trip over them and hurt me...or where any of the bones can come up and hurt anyone else. I've always been one to worry about how the things I do, or the way I think would project to others. I worry about strange, small things. Items most people wouldn't pay any concious attention....but still make a subconcious impression.
It is sooo difficult. Trying to live a truly Christian life. You're constantly battling all those natural urges that want to go too far to feed themselves. On top of that, you're striving to not only change the way you live, but also the way you think. Even your thoughts can be damning. I know forgiveness....it's the one thing I can always and will always be thankful for...HE gave us a way out. Safety. But here I am, forever panicking that I will be the one to go down in history as doing it wrong...as missing that one little thing and falling. It terrifies me. I've dreamt of hell. I woke up screaming. I'm terrified that I would miss the one thing that's managed to keep me sane, that's held me here when times were the roughest. The one constant presence I could depend on just being there....even when I couldn't see Him. Even when the people that were there physically, weren't there any other way.
In some ways I feel I dwell on these subjects too much. That one fleeting glimpse, or the vague idea of eternity that my mind can wrap around is so vast and so frightening...there are times I think I NEED to think on these things more. That maybe, just maybe, by the eventual whittling away of time and effort, I'd eventually be able to be fully at peace. To know that yes, I am faulty...in many ways...but that's ok. Those character flaws I hunger to change will be...and have been. Until then I can hope...and pray.
I honestly don't mind if my faith bothers anyone. There is no reason it should. You don't need to read, you don't need to watch. Turn your head and look the other way. Change the channel. If others are praying, meditate, or practice your own religion or lack thereof... we'll respect your right to ideas... as long as you respect ours. And just like as little kids, there is no "you go first". Somehow those arguments always ended in..."ok, so let's do it at the same time...on three. 1...2...3..."