(no subject)
I relaxed this week, completely relaxed and had an awesome time. My life is at one of those moments where I have so many opportunities and good things arising and I'm just taking them in one at a time. It feels really good. All the important stuff is on hold, but the stuff for me, the good stuff is actually doing okay for now. I'm feeling pretty damn good.
So, besides that I played lots of paddle ball, swam a lot, and got extremely tan (for me) this week, and ate way too much ice cream but oh well, it was a good time. I also read a few books, one in particulare that was absolutely amazing. Amazing in the sense that I could completely relate (in a strange but humorous way) and it opened my eyes a little. It was one of those books that you read and afterwards you sit there and just think. You have no idea where to begin analyzing but just sitting there thinking and going over everything and how it pertains to you is enough. It's completely nerdy and dramatic, but books do that to me all the time. I never realize things on my own. I think it's because I'm so openminded that as much as I don't want to admit it, I think the best of everything until it smacks me in the face or someone else smacks me in the face and then I realize what something truly is. Anyway, that's besides the point.
So, this guy in this book, Chase is his name. He leaves Julia, high and dry. One day he just picks up and goes on one of his sporadic "self-realization" journeys. So yeah he did it before, but this time it was for good. He didn't return. THe book consisted of Julia writing letters to Chase that she never sends, just keeps them in a box and it also has letters Chase has written to her from his past trips. This guy left her to "find himself" or atleast that was the only half-decent reason he could muster at the time. I think it was fear. He would ramble to her in his letters about how she was so perfect for him and he had no idea in his small brain of why he would continuously pick up and leave her to go on his silly trips. He believed there was some kind of purpose for them and he was determined to realize it on one of these trips even though he hadnt yet. Apparently being away from her, and not allowing himself to see her or hear her voice would naturally make him appreciate her more and realize her worth and the place in his life she needed to fill. It's really bullshit to me though. He was scared. He was scared to commit to something and be a part of something real. He was scared to love her back or allow himself to admit that he did love her back and take tha tleap and stay with her, even when he wanted to break down the door and run away. He never admits it but he was scared, I mean what other plausible reason could there be. It's so obvious.
Which brings me to fear and it's relentless struggle to detain you from everything good in life. Naturally one would think, that if something good is about to happen to you, you would jump wholeheartedly on the boat without looking back but of course the opposite occurs for many of us. Fear sets in. I'm not sure why we would be afraid of something good but we are. We are afraid we'll mess it up, or maybe we don't deserve it or I don't know, I coudl sit here and think of million reasons to be scared but I'm not saying any of them are right or wrong, to me they are just silly. Fear will hold us back and it tries to so desperately. It's a monster really that invades our bodies and tries to turn our heads before we catch any feel of what good is like because if we realize the greatness then the fear would automatically disappear. You need to overcome that fear to experience something great.
I sit here and babble on and on about fear and overcoming it and taking the chance and whatever, but I have yet to listen to myself. I doubt it will happen any time soon. I keep telling myself to stop running and actually stick around but sticking around must be the hardest thing for me to do. To actually stand by a decision of my own without changing my mind, is unbelievable really.
So anyway, Chase this guy....he has it all really. Someone who cares about him so much that her world is completely shattered when he is gone. She can barely function without him until reality finally sinks in and she realizes that he's not coming back. It's sad, unbelievably sad to be in love with someone so much and them not loving you back. Sometimes I blame it on time, like maybe the timing wasn't right and they are right for each other but not right now, but then I re-think that theory and realize, fuck time. We get so much of it, but its never guarunteed. HOw can there be right or wrong times? I mean we're doing this once. I have no idea waht I'm saying.
anyway, so basically for whatever its worth, i get you more than ever after reading this book. i realize everything you do but most importantly i realize that im not being selfish at all for not sticking around and at least attempting to move on.
So, besides that I played lots of paddle ball, swam a lot, and got extremely tan (for me) this week, and ate way too much ice cream but oh well, it was a good time. I also read a few books, one in particulare that was absolutely amazing. Amazing in the sense that I could completely relate (in a strange but humorous way) and it opened my eyes a little. It was one of those books that you read and afterwards you sit there and just think. You have no idea where to begin analyzing but just sitting there thinking and going over everything and how it pertains to you is enough. It's completely nerdy and dramatic, but books do that to me all the time. I never realize things on my own. I think it's because I'm so openminded that as much as I don't want to admit it, I think the best of everything until it smacks me in the face or someone else smacks me in the face and then I realize what something truly is. Anyway, that's besides the point.
So, this guy in this book, Chase is his name. He leaves Julia, high and dry. One day he just picks up and goes on one of his sporadic "self-realization" journeys. So yeah he did it before, but this time it was for good. He didn't return. THe book consisted of Julia writing letters to Chase that she never sends, just keeps them in a box and it also has letters Chase has written to her from his past trips. This guy left her to "find himself" or atleast that was the only half-decent reason he could muster at the time. I think it was fear. He would ramble to her in his letters about how she was so perfect for him and he had no idea in his small brain of why he would continuously pick up and leave her to go on his silly trips. He believed there was some kind of purpose for them and he was determined to realize it on one of these trips even though he hadnt yet. Apparently being away from her, and not allowing himself to see her or hear her voice would naturally make him appreciate her more and realize her worth and the place in his life she needed to fill. It's really bullshit to me though. He was scared. He was scared to commit to something and be a part of something real. He was scared to love her back or allow himself to admit that he did love her back and take tha tleap and stay with her, even when he wanted to break down the door and run away. He never admits it but he was scared, I mean what other plausible reason could there be. It's so obvious.
Which brings me to fear and it's relentless struggle to detain you from everything good in life. Naturally one would think, that if something good is about to happen to you, you would jump wholeheartedly on the boat without looking back but of course the opposite occurs for many of us. Fear sets in. I'm not sure why we would be afraid of something good but we are. We are afraid we'll mess it up, or maybe we don't deserve it or I don't know, I coudl sit here and think of million reasons to be scared but I'm not saying any of them are right or wrong, to me they are just silly. Fear will hold us back and it tries to so desperately. It's a monster really that invades our bodies and tries to turn our heads before we catch any feel of what good is like because if we realize the greatness then the fear would automatically disappear. You need to overcome that fear to experience something great.
I sit here and babble on and on about fear and overcoming it and taking the chance and whatever, but I have yet to listen to myself. I doubt it will happen any time soon. I keep telling myself to stop running and actually stick around but sticking around must be the hardest thing for me to do. To actually stand by a decision of my own without changing my mind, is unbelievable really.
So anyway, Chase this guy....he has it all really. Someone who cares about him so much that her world is completely shattered when he is gone. She can barely function without him until reality finally sinks in and she realizes that he's not coming back. It's sad, unbelievably sad to be in love with someone so much and them not loving you back. Sometimes I blame it on time, like maybe the timing wasn't right and they are right for each other but not right now, but then I re-think that theory and realize, fuck time. We get so much of it, but its never guarunteed. HOw can there be right or wrong times? I mean we're doing this once. I have no idea waht I'm saying.
anyway, so basically for whatever its worth, i get you more than ever after reading this book. i realize everything you do but most importantly i realize that im not being selfish at all for not sticking around and at least attempting to move on.