Confused
I'm not sure why it is that i choose to write in this again, is it because every time i end a relationship... i decide i'm gunna tell the whole world... i'm just not that sure why it is i do the things i do... ok that makes no sense nobody knows why they do the things that they do... but i just mean that well... i unno i guess i find it hard to move on, maybe in my own crappy way... i am stuck in the past. maybe it's because i don't want ppl to move on.. maybe it's because i don't know how to move on. i'm just not sure about anything anymore. it's hard... if i can give myself any advice for the future... don't date a good friend... it's not fair, i thought that after the last one i would have learned... but i guess i havn't... i'm never going to date a friend again.. oh god i hope that this time i actually stick to it. when you live in such a small town it's hard to avoid the person that you must now... avoid. it's really hard, when your friends with the same ppl and now you must make sure that you don't look at them... you have to look past them.. and now there are no other friends to go to because... you live in a small town , you can 't just change your friends like that... but really i think that i want too... i want to be with new ppl, i want to have new friends,... not because i don't like the ones i have now... it's just... yah... with my personality.. i have very few friends. not that i'm looking for pity or anything, you get what you pay for... i treated ppl like crap. i pushed them away i was mean i was rude, im not asking for forgiveness, i'm sure as hell not asking for pity.. god i don't know what i'm even asking for..... it's hard to look past the things that you have.... the people that you see everyday... i don't want to see them anymore.. i'm over this i'm over everything.. god why do i always say that... i don't get it... i think i'm just gunna give up being angry... it's just way to hard to be angry.. ya i'll look him in the eye, i don't need to look past him anymore... but i'm not gunna start a convo... that's pushing it for me. im not going run away because he is in the room, i am not going to pretend he is not there, i hate him i always will. but i guess that doesn't mean i have to maek sure that he knows it.. because he does and so do i. i don't have to act angry, not when you are... maybe i'm not angry anymore... no idon't think that i am... i think that yes i am over it... it's just that..i guess i didn't want him to know that i was over it. yes i guess it is true.... i hate him, i always will... but i don't have to act like i hate him.... i can act as i usually would...... it's so hard to hate someone, you have to make sure you avoid them in some cases, that you look past them, that you ignore them... it's just not worth it, i hate it i feel distanced.. i know this is a distance that i myself created... but still.... i hate it when your supposed to think, i want him to suffer... when really... i don't care, i don't care what happens to him, if he winns the lottery, i'm gunna be jealuse, i would of anyone, but nothing beyond that....if he dies, i'll be sad.. because i knew him, i'll be sad for me, but i will not pity him.... i dont know... would this make sense.... god... i really don't know anymore, i guess i really just ... i don't know......
whats worse.. is that again i guess i ssent out the i'm a slut signal... someone else likes me.... i didn't want this... i don't know how i did it... i don't want the attention.....god why dio i do this? and now what do i do... i don't get it.. i was never around him really... i dressed like... sloppy.. in pj's , i was out all the time.... is it becuase he is in Colledge.. maybe he's just looking for somebody..... but i don't want it to be me.. and now he wants that to be me..... but... idon't want it i don't like him like that.. but i don't know what to say.... do i avoid it... and then do i get into the place that i tell him off, or do i ignore him... god i don't know what i'm going to do... i really really hate this.... i mean yeah, it could be worse... and it's not like you know anything has happened..... but i'm afraid that if i say something... that oh god.....i hate this... what did i do, why... god does it sound like i'm braging? no, not to me it doesn't because i know that to me it isn't.
maybe that this is all about me... maybe it's making sure that i know what it is i'm going for and what this will do before it is that i do it.....or something.... that's funny i feel like i've said everything... but don't feel anybetter.... why is that... i was something what is it.. to be better? what is it that i'm looking for... just what is it that's happened to me? .....im so confused......
whats worse.. is that again i guess i ssent out the i'm a slut signal... someone else likes me.... i didn't want this... i don't know how i did it... i don't want the attention.....god why dio i do this? and now what do i do... i don't get it.. i was never around him really... i dressed like... sloppy.. in pj's , i was out all the time.... is it becuase he is in Colledge.. maybe he's just looking for somebody..... but i don't want it to be me.. and now he wants that to be me..... but... idon't want it i don't like him like that.. but i don't know what to say.... do i avoid it... and then do i get into the place that i tell him off, or do i ignore him... god i don't know what i'm going to do... i really really hate this.... i mean yeah, it could be worse... and it's not like you know anything has happened..... but i'm afraid that if i say something... that oh god.....i hate this... what did i do, why... god does it sound like i'm braging? no, not to me it doesn't because i know that to me it isn't.
maybe that this is all about me... maybe it's making sure that i know what it is i'm going for and what this will do before it is that i do it.....or something.... that's funny i feel like i've said everything... but don't feel anybetter.... why is that... i was something what is it.. to be better? what is it that i'm looking for... just what is it that's happened to me? .....im so confused......