One Christmas Eve
Here is a unique fact (because unique facts make us feel good) I've spent the last 4 Christmas's and New Year's in 4 different countries: 2008 was in Japan, 2009 in Iraq, 2010 in the US and now in Qatar.
I am always so depressed its crazy. Everything feels like a slow moving thunderstorm than never manages to break open and release itself upon the earth. It just grows on the edges, the horizons, covering over the sun. Sometimes i can ignore it for a while, sometimes i can covering it up with friends and new adventures and new girls but its always seems to be there, waiting, for a moment's pause or one of life's hiccups to remind me of its presence.
I shouldn't be unhappy. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I am able to go to new places and explore. I have safety and security in money and basic needs. I have little if any debt to speak of. But none of that seems to be able to satisfy that emptiness, that loneliness that has settle so deep inside. I don't know why. Well i have some hinting of the whys, nothing ever easy or simplistic, but those whys seem so trivial that its almost embarrassing that they could be the cause.
I sit at the Fox sports bar in Qatar, at an empty table, typing this. There are tons of people around me. I need that, that feeling of connection with society even if i distance myself so far from it. No, its more that connection with people even though i hide and push so far away from them.
You know, i realize, no one even knows i have this journal anymore. No one that knows me. These words will fade away one day, without even the tiniest of splashes in the pond.
I am always so depressed its crazy. Everything feels like a slow moving thunderstorm than never manages to break open and release itself upon the earth. It just grows on the edges, the horizons, covering over the sun. Sometimes i can ignore it for a while, sometimes i can covering it up with friends and new adventures and new girls but its always seems to be there, waiting, for a moment's pause or one of life's hiccups to remind me of its presence.
I shouldn't be unhappy. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I am able to go to new places and explore. I have safety and security in money and basic needs. I have little if any debt to speak of. But none of that seems to be able to satisfy that emptiness, that loneliness that has settle so deep inside. I don't know why. Well i have some hinting of the whys, nothing ever easy or simplistic, but those whys seem so trivial that its almost embarrassing that they could be the cause.
I sit at the Fox sports bar in Qatar, at an empty table, typing this. There are tons of people around me. I need that, that feeling of connection with society even if i distance myself so far from it. No, its more that connection with people even though i hide and push so far away from them.
You know, i realize, no one even knows i have this journal anymore. No one that knows me. These words will fade away one day, without even the tiniest of splashes in the pond.