"i forgot the way your face looks in the shine of tail lights."
jeff told me that yesterday. he seems good. he is a practicing Buddhist now. no, really. he is reading books like crazy about it. he told me that the thing that Buddhism gave him that nothing else ever did is respect for others and for himself.
he seems good. still a little hyper and a little too willing to please, you know what i mean? that feeling that you may never really know that person because they are only saying/doing what you want them too. a feigned connection. we don't know each other any more. and the person i was at 16-18 is not the person i am now. i feel older, wiser, sexier, and all around different. when i said i loved jeff then, my idea of love and relationships was skewed. now i know what i want, even if i haven't had it yet. he has this need for us to be familiar immediately.
he doesn't smoke anymore. or drink. when i was younger we related through drugs, alcohol, the need to be with someone, and without either of us focusing on that anymore, i am not sure if we have a connection at all. but we are both still desperately trying to look for one. i don't need him anymore, the way i felt that i passionately needed him before.
it is so funny how things change. it makes me realize that i will get over john. never thought i would get over jeff, but now, i see him objectively, for the first time.
john was supposed to swing by yesterday at 10. never did, never called. i expect even friends to have enough respect to call if you aren't showing up. i do it, so do all of my friends. except him. which shows me how much he respects me.
i feel older today. that sounds stupid. but i do.
he seems good. still a little hyper and a little too willing to please, you know what i mean? that feeling that you may never really know that person because they are only saying/doing what you want them too. a feigned connection. we don't know each other any more. and the person i was at 16-18 is not the person i am now. i feel older, wiser, sexier, and all around different. when i said i loved jeff then, my idea of love and relationships was skewed. now i know what i want, even if i haven't had it yet. he has this need for us to be familiar immediately.
he doesn't smoke anymore. or drink. when i was younger we related through drugs, alcohol, the need to be with someone, and without either of us focusing on that anymore, i am not sure if we have a connection at all. but we are both still desperately trying to look for one. i don't need him anymore, the way i felt that i passionately needed him before.
it is so funny how things change. it makes me realize that i will get over john. never thought i would get over jeff, but now, i see him objectively, for the first time.
john was supposed to swing by yesterday at 10. never did, never called. i expect even friends to have enough respect to call if you aren't showing up. i do it, so do all of my friends. except him. which shows me how much he respects me.
i feel older today. that sounds stupid. but i do.