(no subject)
last night was not so good. which made this morning and so far today not good either. i've always had issues with self confidence, for those of you who don't know that, then i guess i'm a good actor.
ever since matt and i have been in a relationship, i've been very self conscious about everything. but specifically with my looks...i'm not tan enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not thin enough, my boobs are too small. and for some reason i'll get into this groove where i feel like i'm not good enough. and everyone tells me i am. and that's great and all guys, but OBVIOUSLY i don't think that, otherwise i wouldn't get this way. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i love him so much and i just don't know why i get this way. and i feel bad b/c i know it hurts him when i feel this way, and i don't want him to feel bad. i just wish that i could feel good enough. one other thing that might make me feel the way i do, is that i told him a while back that i loved him, not that i was in love with him, just that i loved him. at the time he said that he liked me a whole lot but wasn't ready to open up that much to feel that way, and that's fine. but the fact that i continue to feel this way and keep thinking that in the back of my mind makes me feel that he's never going to love me and that's because i'm not good enough and that just makes me feel even more worthless.
why can't i just stop myself from feeling this way? maybe then he'd love me. it hurts so much to just be in complete amazement with someone and love them so much and think they are the greatest thing and that they don't feel the same way. but you have to keep in how you feel b/c you don't want things to get akward and it just hurts you more and more b/c you want to tell that person how you feel and you want so badly to hear that person say the same thing back.
and on top of it all i still haven't heard back from wayne state about an interview. and jj continues to push the fact that he got in already in my face. and i realize i probably won't hear from them for a little while, but that i will get in. but still, there is so much pressure on me and i am so stressed out. i just want the two things i care about most in life to work out...
ever since matt and i have been in a relationship, i've been very self conscious about everything. but specifically with my looks...i'm not tan enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not thin enough, my boobs are too small. and for some reason i'll get into this groove where i feel like i'm not good enough. and everyone tells me i am. and that's great and all guys, but OBVIOUSLY i don't think that, otherwise i wouldn't get this way. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i love him so much and i just don't know why i get this way. and i feel bad b/c i know it hurts him when i feel this way, and i don't want him to feel bad. i just wish that i could feel good enough. one other thing that might make me feel the way i do, is that i told him a while back that i loved him, not that i was in love with him, just that i loved him. at the time he said that he liked me a whole lot but wasn't ready to open up that much to feel that way, and that's fine. but the fact that i continue to feel this way and keep thinking that in the back of my mind makes me feel that he's never going to love me and that's because i'm not good enough and that just makes me feel even more worthless.
why can't i just stop myself from feeling this way? maybe then he'd love me. it hurts so much to just be in complete amazement with someone and love them so much and think they are the greatest thing and that they don't feel the same way. but you have to keep in how you feel b/c you don't want things to get akward and it just hurts you more and more b/c you want to tell that person how you feel and you want so badly to hear that person say the same thing back.
and on top of it all i still haven't heard back from wayne state about an interview. and jj continues to push the fact that he got in already in my face. and i realize i probably won't hear from them for a little while, but that i will get in. but still, there is so much pressure on me and i am so stressed out. i just want the two things i care about most in life to work out...