stream of thought
Well, let's see how this goes for tonight. I haven't posted much of anything substantial lately and there has been a lot on my mind. Just haven't had time to write,as I have been writing papers for finals all weekend. And I am glad that is done. Now all I have to worry about is my two final exams, then the term is over. The next big thing will be moving in the next two weeks. The house should be ready to paint the inside by this coming weekend. Then the carpet has to be put in. Hopefully everything will be set and ready to go so I can move the weekend of June 17-19th. As much as I will miss living here with haddassah, I am also feeling very anxious to have my own place again.
So much has happened over the past six months. Lots of changes in the way of relationships, job situation, school situation etc. For a long while I felt really lost. I was angry with myself for screwing up a great friendship with M. And then it just hit me a few weeks ago. I am done apologizing for who I am. I am done changing to appease other people and making them happy at the expense of my happiness. In all of this, in all of these changes, I finally realized that I do know who I am. I know more now than I ever have before. I know my strengths, my capabilities and my responsibilities. I also know my weaknesses. I know what I need to change for me and my kids. And I know what are the more trivial things that from an asthetic point of view could be changed, but from a happiness point of view, they are only minor, trivial things that will change on their own as I evolve and grow further in the knowledge of who I am.
I am also finding it easier to erase people from my life. That sounds harsh and cold. But from where I am sitting in my life right now, there are some things and people I just don't need. I was holding on for stupid reasons. I was grasping at the air in desperation to gain an understanding of myself within those contexts. But what I realize is that I do not belong in those contexts. Sometimes in our lives we just don't fit. I have spent my whole life trying to fit in. I can go back as far as third grade and see where I did not fit. Yet, I can not see that I ever fit in. Not with the mainstream kids or the alternative kids, or anywhere. I never even fit in with the Mormon kids. . . .and I was very very Mormon.
Maybe Chris was the first time I fit anywhere in my life. I lost him. So, I have struggled since to fit somewhere else. I have tried to shape and mold situations to fit me, as well as, I have tried to painstakingly shape and mold myself to fit those situations. And in all of that fitting in. . . .I didn't fit in, I only stood out more and more. And I lost myself. I am so tired of feeling lost. But I suppose sometimes in order to find ourselves, we have to get lost first.
I'm done fitting in. I'm done molding myself and the situation. If I don't fit, then I don't belong there to begin with, it's that simply and I will no longer cloud myself with all of the pains of fitting in someone else's world. This is my world, I am in it now. It's time to embrace that. It's time to take who I know I am and make my life what I want it to be, not what I think it should be because I have a need to fit where I don't belong.
it was a beautiful let down
when i crashed and burned
when i found myself alone unknown and hurt
it was a beautiful letdown
the day i knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do
in a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
until i found out
i don't belong here
i don't belong here
i will carry your cross and your song
but i don't belong
Someone told me that I have been acting like Queen Bitch of the World. I laugh at that, because I am Queen Bitch of my World. . . .I always will be. I've decided, that for the sake of my sanity, that's not a bad thing. Control only goes so far. . . .fate begins to play a hand when you relinquish to it's mode. Accepting who I am is a relinquishment of mode. . . .once you know who you are, you can become more. . . .
:/
So much has happened over the past six months. Lots of changes in the way of relationships, job situation, school situation etc. For a long while I felt really lost. I was angry with myself for screwing up a great friendship with M. And then it just hit me a few weeks ago. I am done apologizing for who I am. I am done changing to appease other people and making them happy at the expense of my happiness. In all of this, in all of these changes, I finally realized that I do know who I am. I know more now than I ever have before. I know my strengths, my capabilities and my responsibilities. I also know my weaknesses. I know what I need to change for me and my kids. And I know what are the more trivial things that from an asthetic point of view could be changed, but from a happiness point of view, they are only minor, trivial things that will change on their own as I evolve and grow further in the knowledge of who I am.
I am also finding it easier to erase people from my life. That sounds harsh and cold. But from where I am sitting in my life right now, there are some things and people I just don't need. I was holding on for stupid reasons. I was grasping at the air in desperation to gain an understanding of myself within those contexts. But what I realize is that I do not belong in those contexts. Sometimes in our lives we just don't fit. I have spent my whole life trying to fit in. I can go back as far as third grade and see where I did not fit. Yet, I can not see that I ever fit in. Not with the mainstream kids or the alternative kids, or anywhere. I never even fit in with the Mormon kids. . . .and I was very very Mormon.
Maybe Chris was the first time I fit anywhere in my life. I lost him. So, I have struggled since to fit somewhere else. I have tried to shape and mold situations to fit me, as well as, I have tried to painstakingly shape and mold myself to fit those situations. And in all of that fitting in. . . .I didn't fit in, I only stood out more and more. And I lost myself. I am so tired of feeling lost. But I suppose sometimes in order to find ourselves, we have to get lost first.
I'm done fitting in. I'm done molding myself and the situation. If I don't fit, then I don't belong there to begin with, it's that simply and I will no longer cloud myself with all of the pains of fitting in someone else's world. This is my world, I am in it now. It's time to embrace that. It's time to take who I know I am and make my life what I want it to be, not what I think it should be because I have a need to fit where I don't belong.
it was a beautiful let down
when i crashed and burned
when i found myself alone unknown and hurt
it was a beautiful letdown
the day i knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do
in a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
until i found out
i don't belong here
i don't belong here
i will carry your cross and your song
but i don't belong
Someone told me that I have been acting like Queen Bitch of the World. I laugh at that, because I am Queen Bitch of my World. . . .I always will be. I've decided, that for the sake of my sanity, that's not a bad thing. Control only goes so far. . . .fate begins to play a hand when you relinquish to it's mode. Accepting who I am is a relinquishment of mode. . . .once you know who you are, you can become more. . . .
:/