A few nights ago...
Written on the second of the year 2006 at 12:38-1:04 am.
First of all, I’d like to just make sure people understand that I am a very happy Kosmos lately. I’ve got my job as a moderator at Teripets. My family life is looking good. And I’m engaged to quite a wonderful young man who loves the fact that I know what a vibroblade is.
I’ve just had something on my mind frequently. It has a tendency to come back to mind when I think about various things in my life, and I just have a need to say somthing. In a way, this is being written mainly for myself. It’s really not for anyone’s benifit but my own. Of course, it goes up as a public entry because I’m not a private/friends only type of girl.
This isn’t meant to bring up any arguments or past feeling, it’s just a reflection on this past year and the big thing that’s been bothing me...
In this last year, I lost a friend that was very dear to me. I’m not sure what made me lose her, to this day. I’m not sure what went wrong or what I could have possibly done to make it better. I frequently think about the incident, and it actually hurts me more than I’m sure it hurts anyone else from what I can tell. I can’t do much about this loss, but still... it’s on my mind often enough that I -know- she still means something to me.
We started off as quick friends, bonding over silly things, when our relationship was... unexpected. You would have though we would have clashed a lot more than we did. But we didn’t. In fact, I respected her and her opinions highly. Sure, I may not have agreed from time to time, but that’s what opinions are all about, right? In fact, I still respect her, mostly. Sure, there are points that bother me now, just because she... hurt me with them, in the end, and left me for naught.
I just think we threw away something much more worth it than that. It would be alright if I knew there was a solid reason for any of this, but to this day, months later, I can’t get over it or place where this started. I don’t know what cause I gave her to hate me.
She accused me of judging her and her ‘type’. The atheist thing came up. I don’t understand why I was the one accused of hating athiests. I respect atheists. It takes a heckuva lot of... bravery to believe in nothing. Believe me, I tried it for a while, and it scared me bad enough that I went crawling back to God. I have never, ever hated someone for not having religion in their lives. I don’t hate people who have a different lifestyle. I love people who are different.
I guess that’s one big thing that bothers me now. The accusations that were thrown my way, for things I had never thought or done or said... (It reminds me far too much of another friend that accused me of hating and judging her when I had done no such thing...) Especially when all I was doing in the end was apologizing... But I suppose things just don’t get to go my way. I’m too soft, too agreeable to fight too long... In the end, I just gave up and let her go, as she so obviously wanted it.
It still does hurt, though. I miss being a part of that group. I hate that I lost them all to that little “fight” that I didn’t understand in the first place. I... felt wanted there, and in the end, I wasn’t. Which is hard for me, because online is one of the few places where I feel safe with being myself... I haven’t changed. I’m still the same old Kosmos everyone loved...
I guess I’m doing a bit better now. I have the Teripets Staff that I love so dearly. They sort of replaced what I lost in my other online friends, and, in a way, were even better. And my new RP buddies from TP, and all that... But in thinking about today, losing that friend of mine would be like losing... Meow or Sabbre... or Sun, or any one of those spunky, motley crewmembers. I love them all, despite the fact that they’re not a part of my “real life” and that they’re -so- different from who -I- am as a person...
I’m not sure I’ll be over the loss entirely. But I know there’s nothing more I can do, and I suppose I’m alright with that. It’s just my biggest regret of the year--losing her to something so... downright silly. I’m not going to beg to have her back, and I don’t intend that she ever read this. And that’s alright by me.
Before I sign out for the night (curse my laptop not being connected to the internet and thusly me not being able to post this until I do...) I just want to uphold something from last year that I quite enjoyed. The song for the year 2004 was “Trying” by Lifehouse, and this last year is another, wonderful Lifehouse song that just seems to fit so amazingly well...
Chapter One by Lifehouse
All the stars are out tonight it feels as though I might
Make some sense out of this madness will it turn out right
Who's to say where the wind will blow
Time will tell us if we're out of answers when it stops
Climb back down to the beginning
Take it from the top
Who's to say where the wind will blow
What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around
And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
Take your chances turn around and go
All the leaves are turning and the sky fades to gray
Strange our life coincides with the seasons of today
Who's to say where the wind will blow
What happens when everything is lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around
And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
Take your chances turn around and go
Carry on you say
Bring the best of today
All I see is struggling on the way
Maybe when the sun crashes through the gray
I can find the strength to make it through the day
Through the day
What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around
And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
Take your chances turn around and go
Take your chances turn around and go
So, if you can, find a song to fit your year. Post it if you want. It’s amazing what you’ll find.
First of all, I’d like to just make sure people understand that I am a very happy Kosmos lately. I’ve got my job as a moderator at Teripets. My family life is looking good. And I’m engaged to quite a wonderful young man who loves the fact that I know what a vibroblade is.
I’ve just had something on my mind frequently. It has a tendency to come back to mind when I think about various things in my life, and I just have a need to say somthing. In a way, this is being written mainly for myself. It’s really not for anyone’s benifit but my own. Of course, it goes up as a public entry because I’m not a private/friends only type of girl.
This isn’t meant to bring up any arguments or past feeling, it’s just a reflection on this past year and the big thing that’s been bothing me...
In this last year, I lost a friend that was very dear to me. I’m not sure what made me lose her, to this day. I’m not sure what went wrong or what I could have possibly done to make it better. I frequently think about the incident, and it actually hurts me more than I’m sure it hurts anyone else from what I can tell. I can’t do much about this loss, but still... it’s on my mind often enough that I -know- she still means something to me.
We started off as quick friends, bonding over silly things, when our relationship was... unexpected. You would have though we would have clashed a lot more than we did. But we didn’t. In fact, I respected her and her opinions highly. Sure, I may not have agreed from time to time, but that’s what opinions are all about, right? In fact, I still respect her, mostly. Sure, there are points that bother me now, just because she... hurt me with them, in the end, and left me for naught.
I just think we threw away something much more worth it than that. It would be alright if I knew there was a solid reason for any of this, but to this day, months later, I can’t get over it or place where this started. I don’t know what cause I gave her to hate me.
She accused me of judging her and her ‘type’. The atheist thing came up. I don’t understand why I was the one accused of hating athiests. I respect atheists. It takes a heckuva lot of... bravery to believe in nothing. Believe me, I tried it for a while, and it scared me bad enough that I went crawling back to God. I have never, ever hated someone for not having religion in their lives. I don’t hate people who have a different lifestyle. I love people who are different.
I guess that’s one big thing that bothers me now. The accusations that were thrown my way, for things I had never thought or done or said... (It reminds me far too much of another friend that accused me of hating and judging her when I had done no such thing...) Especially when all I was doing in the end was apologizing... But I suppose things just don’t get to go my way. I’m too soft, too agreeable to fight too long... In the end, I just gave up and let her go, as she so obviously wanted it.
It still does hurt, though. I miss being a part of that group. I hate that I lost them all to that little “fight” that I didn’t understand in the first place. I... felt wanted there, and in the end, I wasn’t. Which is hard for me, because online is one of the few places where I feel safe with being myself... I haven’t changed. I’m still the same old Kosmos everyone loved...
I guess I’m doing a bit better now. I have the Teripets Staff that I love so dearly. They sort of replaced what I lost in my other online friends, and, in a way, were even better. And my new RP buddies from TP, and all that... But in thinking about today, losing that friend of mine would be like losing... Meow or Sabbre... or Sun, or any one of those spunky, motley crewmembers. I love them all, despite the fact that they’re not a part of my “real life” and that they’re -so- different from who -I- am as a person...
I’m not sure I’ll be over the loss entirely. But I know there’s nothing more I can do, and I suppose I’m alright with that. It’s just my biggest regret of the year--losing her to something so... downright silly. I’m not going to beg to have her back, and I don’t intend that she ever read this. And that’s alright by me.
Before I sign out for the night (curse my laptop not being connected to the internet and thusly me not being able to post this until I do...) I just want to uphold something from last year that I quite enjoyed. The song for the year 2004 was “Trying” by Lifehouse, and this last year is another, wonderful Lifehouse song that just seems to fit so amazingly well...
Chapter One by Lifehouse
All the stars are out tonight it feels as though I might
Make some sense out of this madness will it turn out right
Who's to say where the wind will blow
Time will tell us if we're out of answers when it stops
Climb back down to the beginning
Take it from the top
Who's to say where the wind will blow
What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around
And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
Take your chances turn around and go
All the leaves are turning and the sky fades to gray
Strange our life coincides with the seasons of today
Who's to say where the wind will blow
What happens when everything is lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around
And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
Take your chances turn around and go
Carry on you say
Bring the best of today
All I see is struggling on the way
Maybe when the sun crashes through the gray
I can find the strength to make it through the day
Through the day
What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around
And if the world should fall apart hold on to what you know
Take your chances turn around and go
Take your chances turn around and go
So, if you can, find a song to fit your year. Post it if you want. It’s amazing what you’ll find.