What’s this? Productivity? D:
Two fics in a row. I swear I haven't written so much so fast since Secret Agent Aiba-chan.
Title: Never Make Mommy Mad
Pairs: Ohmiya and what could be interpreted as Aimoto and Sakuraiba
Rating: Pg-13 (bad language and violence)
Genre: CRACK (and violence)
WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF MEMBER ON MEMBER VIOLENCE IS DISTURBING TO YOU WHEN DONE IN A HUMOROUS WAY. DO NOT read this if you are in any way sensitive to beatings. DO NOT expect this fic to make sense or that reading this will be a good use of your time. DO NOT take this fic seriously, or with pain medication. Side effects may include hallucinations, dizziness and the overwhelming urge to hide in a closet. Please discontinue use and consult a doctor (or a psycharist) if you experience any of these symptoms.
Summary: Sho is in a very bad mood for some reason that only Ohno seems to know. How many buttons will the other three unknowing members push before the Sakurai reaches his limit?
Note: A latelatelate birthday fic for the most crack-tastic dthnhi . Oh, and this fic was inspired by one of Bill Cosby's old stand up routines.
I saw it coming.
I always see it coming.
Of course I tried to warn them, when I noticed that particular twitch of his lip. You wouldn’t think that Sho has twitchy lips, but he does. It’s kind of funny really, when it’s not life threatening.
I looked over my shoulder with the best fearful face I could, as the chaos continued in the back seat.
“Quit touching me, Aiba.” Nino snapped, pushing Aiba away with his elbow. Aiba then collided into Jun, who was applying his lip gloss with some difficulty given the potholes the van kept driving over, and the idols who kept bumping into him.
“Aiba, what the hell!” Jun now had a shiny trail of lip gloss extending from the corner of his lip to his ear.
I had resolved to stay out of it, I really did, but Jun did look very funny, and a few chuckles slipped out.
“What are you laughing at Riida?!” Jun demanded instantly, fumbling for something to fix his face with.
“Shut up, guys.” Sho warned in his, ‘shut up, or I’ll wring you silent’ voice. He glared at me and I instantly stopped laughing. “Why are you encouraging them? Act like a leader for once and set an example.”
“I’m not, I-”
“Aiba, if you touch me again, I’ll superglue your hands together while you sleep.” Threatened Nino just then, at a most opportune moment.
Sho rolled up his news paper, craned in his seat, and began bashing the other three members with the Daily Tokyo Times.
I leaned forward to avoid any stray blows and asked the driver how much longer until we arrived at the venue, and if he could drive any faster, if at all possible.
We had planned to have dinner that night, after the final rehearsal.
As a group.
“Do we have to?” Kazu whined, plopping on the couch in the venue’s shared dressing room.
I blinked, seeing escape. “We could have dinner separate…you three in the restaurant…Kazu and I in one of our rooms so we-”
No one failed to miss the undertones, but Jun was set on having a group dinner so we could discuss last minute details or something. “You guys can have… dessert…. or whatever together, after a group dinner.”
Aiba snickered, and Sho’s brows furrowed behind a sweat dampened towel. “We’ll have dinner together, all five of us.”
“But-” I protested.
“No buts. I’m tired, and I don’t want argue. Satoshi and I are going to shower, then you three will. Once we all smell less like spoiled milk and more like fresh idols, we’ll all head over to the restaurant. ALL of us.” Sho’s tone was intimidatingly absolute.
It must not have been intimidating to Nino though, since he began to whine again, “But Satoshi and I always shower together.”
“When you shower with Riida, it takes hours. Save your energy for tomorrow’s concert.” Jun added, his nose crinkled as if he smelt Aiba’s socks. In fact he might be smelling Aiba’s socks, considering who’s shoeless feet were currently propped on the coffee table that was additionally laden with a day’s worth of ramen bowls and snack food bags. A fact that Sho was keen to notice.
“Who left all this trash here?” Sho demanded, even though he knew the answer. “I’ve told you all time and again to throw your damn trash away. This is a dressing room, not a garbage can! Clean this crap up by the time we’re out of the shower.”
“It‘s only-” I began, but Sho grabbed my shoulder in a very painful way, and shoved me towards the bathroom. For being such a pathetic arm wrestler, he has a very strong grip.
I have never bathed in so much terror. Baths are supposed to be relaxing, and rejuvenating. Not a life or death situation. Sho yelled at me the entire time. Well he didn’t exactly raise his voice, but the acoustics in the bathroom made it sound loud anyway.
“You let them have their way too much. I can’t believe we’ve lasted this long when those kids go off and do whatever the hell it is they do when I’m not looking. Trashing the dressing room. Loosing their costumes. God knows what else.”
“I think-”
“I mean really, in a group like this you aren’t accountable for just yourself, but for all the other members too! All for one and one for all. That kind of thing.”
“Sho-kun, I really-”
“You don’t help me reign them in when they’re out of line either. You always fall asleep, space out or disappear whenever something important is going down.”
“That’s not-”
Sho continued to vent his complaints but I decided to just tune him out. It’s really too much trouble to put up a fight when he’s being like this. I’m sure he doesn’t mean what he’s saying right now anyway.
His voice was still ringing around the bathroom five minutes later when we were dressing again. Ignoring Sho for better or worse, I yawned and walked back into the dressing room with a towel over my head once my pants were on.
“Oh-chan.”
“Ah.” I bumped into Nino accidentally, though I suspected he bumped into me on purpose.
“What’s up with Sho today? You know what up him in this mood, don’t you?” Nino whispered, tugging half the towel over his head too so it was like screen separating us from the outside world. His breath tickled my ear like a feather, and I wish he had more to whisper.
“Last night his mom…” I began but distraction was eminent. Nino’s face was close. So close. My eyes lowered, and somehow my gaze landed on his mole.
Kiss the mole.
Mole.
Guacamole.
Holy moley.
Holy cow.
Cows.
Beef.
Hamburger.
Nino’s hands.
Nino.
Nino’s moles.
Kiss the mole.
“Fine, don‘t share your info. You better be in my futon before ‘lights-out’ tonight.” Nino warned, kissing my nose before slipping out from under the towel, letting it blind my face. I heard the bathroom door close a second later, and knew that’s where he disappeared to.
I licked my lips, staring into the weave of the towel without realizing it.
Tonight, I will kiss the mole.
I will bite the mole.
I will suck on the mole.
I will suck on-
“Ahem.” Sho coughed, and once I pulled the towel from my head, I realized he most likely heard my entire conversation with Nino. Towels aren't exactly soundproof.
“Um…”
“I will be personally making sure you’re in your OWN room during lights-out tonight.” Sho glared, unfolding a rather tattered looking newspaper.
I frowned. “Oi, you have no right to-”
“Last time you and Nino shared a room, you threw out your voice.” His lip was twitching again, and a menacing vein on his forehead throbbed dangerously. “I will not let that happen again.”
I swallowed, but pushed the embarrassing memory from a previous concert aside. This time, Sho’s gone too far. I will have Nino’s mole when I want to, where I want to. I’m the Leader, I answer to no one damn it!
“Have I made myself clear?”
“I-” I matched Sho’s gaze, and my resolve to make a stand about free love or peace or something was blown to pieces when I found a very premature and painful death for myself in Sho’s eyes. “Y-yes.”
“Good.” Despite the settled issue, the vein in Sho’s forehead continued to look like a blocked hose. Defeated I tried to make myself invisible in a chair near the door, as we waited for the other three to finish showering.
For some reason, loud noises, somewhere between exploding grenades and claps of thunder kept coming from behind the bathroom door. Every so often Sho would glance over his worse-for-wear newspaper to the bathroom door and mutter not so nice phrases to the members on the other side.
After about five minutes, Nino, dripping wet with a bit of shampoo behind his ear stepped out of the bathroom with an all knowing smirk. “There’s something you should know.”
“What?” Sho was not in the mood for guessing games.
“Jun is practicing his towel whip techniques.” If possible, Nino’s grin widened. I wish he’d stop being so naked and wet when I’ve promised Sho on penalty of death to be chaste tonight.
“So? Tell him to quit it, and finish with his shower.” Sho was saying.
“Well, his target is-”
“STOP IT JUN, STOP.” Aiba stumbled though the bathroom door, 150% naked and soapy, with tears and snot running down his face, mixing with the suds.
This got Sho’s attention. “Masaki, what’s going on?”
By now Aiba was bawling, which made his speech more then a little confusing. “Iwubtryingbuhower c-cause I was hu-hu-hungry, butnun startedtwistinghistowel and pop-pop-poping me on the behiiiiiinnnd.”
“Jun did what?”
“Jun’s been whipping Aiba on the ass with a wet towel whip, Sakurai, sir!” Nino saluted, proud of being a rat. At least he was a cute rat.
“Nino, you traitor…” Jun had now joined the rest clustered at the bathroom door. Among them all, he was the only one fully dried and dressed. Composed, but obviously guilty, Jun tucked a lock of wet hair behind his ear. “I can explain this-”
“You….” Sho’s voice dripped wrath like a venom. He rose to his feet slowly, and grabbed a yardstick that some foolish stagehand must have left in the room. Sho’s hands closed around the stick and wielding it like a samurai warrior, bellowed, “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.”
The only place for the three to retreat to was back into the bathroom. I watched in horror, though a small part of me was glad I wasn’t in there with the massacre. Horrible sounds echoed from the open bathroom door. The raucous clatter of wood on tile. The strident slap of wood on flesh.
“SHO STOP, I’M SORRY ALREADY. NOT THE FACE, ANYWHERE BUT THE FACE. SHIT THAT HURTS, NOT THE ASS EITHER.” Jun pleaded after a particularly loud smack.
“Why isn’t anyone hitting me? Treat me like you’re treating them, Sho-chan! I‘m always the one left out.” Demanded Aiba, strangely enough.
“Why are you beating us when Aiba WANTS it?” Cried Nino, but then a blow must have landed somewhere on his body for his next call was aimed at me. “Satoshi, god, help.”
I bit my lip. I’m sorry Nino, I love you like a….well… like a lover, but I don’t think I can stop Sho now.
So I did the only I could do as Leader.
I hid in the closet.
After about ten minutes, the sounds of battle came to a stop, and I opened the door slightly to see into the room.
Sho had emerged from the bathroom, still holding onto a now broken yardstick. He was still breathing fire though his nose, despite the fact that no one else was in the room. “I did not give up the best years of my life to be talked back to and ignored!” He threw the yardstick against the wall and was three centimeters from breaking a mirror. “When I say move, you move, damnit.”
Before I could escape from the closet, the three victims appeared. At some point they all had gotten dressed. Nino’s lip was bleeding slightly, Jun was sporting a wicked bruise on his arm, and Aiba had a hand clapped gingerly over his behind as if he’d just had the spanking of a lifetime.
Sho turned on the spot, and growled murderously. “You will all be at the yakiniku place in 20 minutes or you forfeit your solos in the concert tomorrow. Am I clear?”
The three nodded, teary-eyed, and as they watched Sho storm out of the room, I slipped silently out of the closet.
When the door slammed behind Sho, I cleared my throat. “I fell like we’ve all learned something valuable today.”
“Not to whip Aiba even when he’s asking for it?” Snorted Jun.
“That being whipped isn’t as fun in the bathroom as in the bedroom?” Sighed Aiba.
“That your boyfriend will abandon you the instant they sniff danger?” Snarled Nino.
“Well you may have all learned those things, too.” I frowned. “But from now on I hope you have learned never to provoke Sho-kun the day after his mom forces him to clean his room.”
Title: Never Make Mommy Mad
Pairs: Ohmiya and what could be interpreted as Aimoto and Sakuraiba
Rating: Pg-13 (bad language and violence)
Genre: CRACK (and violence)
WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF MEMBER ON MEMBER VIOLENCE IS DISTURBING TO YOU WHEN DONE IN A HUMOROUS WAY. DO NOT read this if you are in any way sensitive to beatings. DO NOT expect this fic to make sense or that reading this will be a good use of your time. DO NOT take this fic seriously, or with pain medication. Side effects may include hallucinations, dizziness and the overwhelming urge to hide in a closet. Please discontinue use and consult a doctor (or a psycharist) if you experience any of these symptoms.
Summary: Sho is in a very bad mood for some reason that only Ohno seems to know. How many buttons will the other three unknowing members push before the Sakurai reaches his limit?
Note: A latelatelate birthday fic for the most crack-tastic dthnhi . Oh, and this fic was inspired by one of Bill Cosby's old stand up routines.
I saw it coming.
I always see it coming.
Of course I tried to warn them, when I noticed that particular twitch of his lip. You wouldn’t think that Sho has twitchy lips, but he does. It’s kind of funny really, when it’s not life threatening.
I looked over my shoulder with the best fearful face I could, as the chaos continued in the back seat.
“Quit touching me, Aiba.” Nino snapped, pushing Aiba away with his elbow. Aiba then collided into Jun, who was applying his lip gloss with some difficulty given the potholes the van kept driving over, and the idols who kept bumping into him.
“Aiba, what the hell!” Jun now had a shiny trail of lip gloss extending from the corner of his lip to his ear.
I had resolved to stay out of it, I really did, but Jun did look very funny, and a few chuckles slipped out.
“What are you laughing at Riida?!” Jun demanded instantly, fumbling for something to fix his face with.
“Shut up, guys.” Sho warned in his, ‘shut up, or I’ll wring you silent’ voice. He glared at me and I instantly stopped laughing. “Why are you encouraging them? Act like a leader for once and set an example.”
“I’m not, I-”
“Aiba, if you touch me again, I’ll superglue your hands together while you sleep.” Threatened Nino just then, at a most opportune moment.
Sho rolled up his news paper, craned in his seat, and began bashing the other three members with the Daily Tokyo Times.
I leaned forward to avoid any stray blows and asked the driver how much longer until we arrived at the venue, and if he could drive any faster, if at all possible.
We had planned to have dinner that night, after the final rehearsal.
As a group.
“Do we have to?” Kazu whined, plopping on the couch in the venue’s shared dressing room.
I blinked, seeing escape. “We could have dinner separate…you three in the restaurant…Kazu and I in one of our rooms so we-”
No one failed to miss the undertones, but Jun was set on having a group dinner so we could discuss last minute details or something. “You guys can have… dessert…. or whatever together, after a group dinner.”
Aiba snickered, and Sho’s brows furrowed behind a sweat dampened towel. “We’ll have dinner together, all five of us.”
“But-” I protested.
“No buts. I’m tired, and I don’t want argue. Satoshi and I are going to shower, then you three will. Once we all smell less like spoiled milk and more like fresh idols, we’ll all head over to the restaurant. ALL of us.” Sho’s tone was intimidatingly absolute.
It must not have been intimidating to Nino though, since he began to whine again, “But Satoshi and I always shower together.”
“When you shower with Riida, it takes hours. Save your energy for tomorrow’s concert.” Jun added, his nose crinkled as if he smelt Aiba’s socks. In fact he might be smelling Aiba’s socks, considering who’s shoeless feet were currently propped on the coffee table that was additionally laden with a day’s worth of ramen bowls and snack food bags. A fact that Sho was keen to notice.
“Who left all this trash here?” Sho demanded, even though he knew the answer. “I’ve told you all time and again to throw your damn trash away. This is a dressing room, not a garbage can! Clean this crap up by the time we’re out of the shower.”
“It‘s only-” I began, but Sho grabbed my shoulder in a very painful way, and shoved me towards the bathroom. For being such a pathetic arm wrestler, he has a very strong grip.
I have never bathed in so much terror. Baths are supposed to be relaxing, and rejuvenating. Not a life or death situation. Sho yelled at me the entire time. Well he didn’t exactly raise his voice, but the acoustics in the bathroom made it sound loud anyway.
“You let them have their way too much. I can’t believe we’ve lasted this long when those kids go off and do whatever the hell it is they do when I’m not looking. Trashing the dressing room. Loosing their costumes. God knows what else.”
“I think-”
“I mean really, in a group like this you aren’t accountable for just yourself, but for all the other members too! All for one and one for all. That kind of thing.”
“Sho-kun, I really-”
“You don’t help me reign them in when they’re out of line either. You always fall asleep, space out or disappear whenever something important is going down.”
“That’s not-”
Sho continued to vent his complaints but I decided to just tune him out. It’s really too much trouble to put up a fight when he’s being like this. I’m sure he doesn’t mean what he’s saying right now anyway.
His voice was still ringing around the bathroom five minutes later when we were dressing again. Ignoring Sho for better or worse, I yawned and walked back into the dressing room with a towel over my head once my pants were on.
“Oh-chan.”
“Ah.” I bumped into Nino accidentally, though I suspected he bumped into me on purpose.
“What’s up with Sho today? You know what up him in this mood, don’t you?” Nino whispered, tugging half the towel over his head too so it was like screen separating us from the outside world. His breath tickled my ear like a feather, and I wish he had more to whisper.
“Last night his mom…” I began but distraction was eminent. Nino’s face was close. So close. My eyes lowered, and somehow my gaze landed on his mole.
Kiss the mole.
Mole.
Guacamole.
Holy moley.
Holy cow.
Cows.
Beef.
Hamburger.
Nino’s hands.
Nino.
Nino’s moles.
Kiss the mole.
“Fine, don‘t share your info. You better be in my futon before ‘lights-out’ tonight.” Nino warned, kissing my nose before slipping out from under the towel, letting it blind my face. I heard the bathroom door close a second later, and knew that’s where he disappeared to.
I licked my lips, staring into the weave of the towel without realizing it.
Tonight, I will kiss the mole.
I will bite the mole.
I will suck on the mole.
I will suck on-
“Ahem.” Sho coughed, and once I pulled the towel from my head, I realized he most likely heard my entire conversation with Nino. Towels aren't exactly soundproof.
“Um…”
“I will be personally making sure you’re in your OWN room during lights-out tonight.” Sho glared, unfolding a rather tattered looking newspaper.
I frowned. “Oi, you have no right to-”
“Last time you and Nino shared a room, you threw out your voice.” His lip was twitching again, and a menacing vein on his forehead throbbed dangerously. “I will not let that happen again.”
I swallowed, but pushed the embarrassing memory from a previous concert aside. This time, Sho’s gone too far. I will have Nino’s mole when I want to, where I want to. I’m the Leader, I answer to no one damn it!
“Have I made myself clear?”
“I-” I matched Sho’s gaze, and my resolve to make a stand about free love or peace or something was blown to pieces when I found a very premature and painful death for myself in Sho’s eyes. “Y-yes.”
“Good.” Despite the settled issue, the vein in Sho’s forehead continued to look like a blocked hose. Defeated I tried to make myself invisible in a chair near the door, as we waited for the other three to finish showering.
For some reason, loud noises, somewhere between exploding grenades and claps of thunder kept coming from behind the bathroom door. Every so often Sho would glance over his worse-for-wear newspaper to the bathroom door and mutter not so nice phrases to the members on the other side.
After about five minutes, Nino, dripping wet with a bit of shampoo behind his ear stepped out of the bathroom with an all knowing smirk. “There’s something you should know.”
“What?” Sho was not in the mood for guessing games.
“Jun is practicing his towel whip techniques.” If possible, Nino’s grin widened. I wish he’d stop being so naked and wet when I’ve promised Sho on penalty of death to be chaste tonight.
“So? Tell him to quit it, and finish with his shower.” Sho was saying.
“Well, his target is-”
“STOP IT JUN, STOP.” Aiba stumbled though the bathroom door, 150% naked and soapy, with tears and snot running down his face, mixing with the suds.
This got Sho’s attention. “Masaki, what’s going on?”
By now Aiba was bawling, which made his speech more then a little confusing. “Iwubtryingbuhower c-cause I was hu-hu-hungry, butnun startedtwistinghistowel and pop-pop-poping me on the behiiiiiinnnd.”
“Jun did what?”
“Jun’s been whipping Aiba on the ass with a wet towel whip, Sakurai, sir!” Nino saluted, proud of being a rat. At least he was a cute rat.
“Nino, you traitor…” Jun had now joined the rest clustered at the bathroom door. Among them all, he was the only one fully dried and dressed. Composed, but obviously guilty, Jun tucked a lock of wet hair behind his ear. “I can explain this-”
“You….” Sho’s voice dripped wrath like a venom. He rose to his feet slowly, and grabbed a yardstick that some foolish stagehand must have left in the room. Sho’s hands closed around the stick and wielding it like a samurai warrior, bellowed, “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.”
The only place for the three to retreat to was back into the bathroom. I watched in horror, though a small part of me was glad I wasn’t in there with the massacre. Horrible sounds echoed from the open bathroom door. The raucous clatter of wood on tile. The strident slap of wood on flesh.
“SHO STOP, I’M SORRY ALREADY. NOT THE FACE, ANYWHERE BUT THE FACE. SHIT THAT HURTS, NOT THE ASS EITHER.” Jun pleaded after a particularly loud smack.
“Why isn’t anyone hitting me? Treat me like you’re treating them, Sho-chan! I‘m always the one left out.” Demanded Aiba, strangely enough.
“Why are you beating us when Aiba WANTS it?” Cried Nino, but then a blow must have landed somewhere on his body for his next call was aimed at me. “Satoshi, god, help.”
I bit my lip. I’m sorry Nino, I love you like a….well… like a lover, but I don’t think I can stop Sho now.
So I did the only I could do as Leader.
I hid in the closet.
After about ten minutes, the sounds of battle came to a stop, and I opened the door slightly to see into the room.
Sho had emerged from the bathroom, still holding onto a now broken yardstick. He was still breathing fire though his nose, despite the fact that no one else was in the room. “I did not give up the best years of my life to be talked back to and ignored!” He threw the yardstick against the wall and was three centimeters from breaking a mirror. “When I say move, you move, damnit.”
Before I could escape from the closet, the three victims appeared. At some point they all had gotten dressed. Nino’s lip was bleeding slightly, Jun was sporting a wicked bruise on his arm, and Aiba had a hand clapped gingerly over his behind as if he’d just had the spanking of a lifetime.
Sho turned on the spot, and growled murderously. “You will all be at the yakiniku place in 20 minutes or you forfeit your solos in the concert tomorrow. Am I clear?”
The three nodded, teary-eyed, and as they watched Sho storm out of the room, I slipped silently out of the closet.
When the door slammed behind Sho, I cleared my throat. “I fell like we’ve all learned something valuable today.”
“Not to whip Aiba even when he’s asking for it?” Snorted Jun.
“That being whipped isn’t as fun in the bathroom as in the bedroom?” Sighed Aiba.
“That your boyfriend will abandon you the instant they sniff danger?” Snarled Nino.
“Well you may have all learned those things, too.” I frowned. “But from now on I hope you have learned never to provoke Sho-kun the day after his mom forces him to clean his room.”