wish i was sleeping
well it's almost two in the morning and i wish i was sleeping. i probably would be if i hadn't slept all day, and if i didn't have so much shit on my mind. it's kinda funny how when something starts to go right, and you get happy--that something else that you never expected happens, and it completely throws you off guard. that is what's going on with me right now. let's start with my dearest christopher. i spent three hours on the phone with him last night, and let's just say i got a lot off my chest. i told him how i felt, and everything that i was sorry for, and i hope he understands. because i know that we both fucked eachother over, but i know that i put that kid through a lot of unnecessary bull shit. so i explained it all to him, aand i feel better about it. but then that child told me something that was the sweetest thing in the entire world. he told me "amy, i've never stopped being in love with you, and i never will." wow. so i never expected him to say that, seeing how i totally thought that he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. but anyways, this made me kinda upset, because i told him like almost a month ago that i was completely in love with him, and i wanted to be with him, and he told me that he couldn't be with me and it makes no sense. i don't know why but i did fall in love with the kid, and i still love him, but now i don't know what to do about any of it. i guess me and him will never have good timing. and that we aren't meant to be together, it's just something i will have to get over, and i will.
now i need to kinda just let my thoughts flow onto the page, because there really isn't a way for me to tell marybeth, so i am gonna just write everything i wanna tell her.... i'm sorry. i never meant to hurt you, i love you too much to ever wish any pain to you or any unhappiness. i know we have our issues, and that we have both changed a lot, but i never wanted us to end like we did. i never wanted us to basically hate eachother. i still love you, i mean we were basically inseperable for five years. and now it's almost like we never got a chance to talk, we just dropped eachother. i know i was confused and worked up with other stuff, and i didn't know how to feel. i was confused about what to do, and i was having trouble balancing being friends with so many different people. i'm sorry and it shouldn't have to be like that. i know your mom hates me and i'm sorry about that too, i know i was fucked up, but there is nothing i can do about the past, i cannot change it, it all happened for a reason, and i learned a lot, and i have changed and grown up a lot. i don't know what else to say about anything, just that i wish we could talk and mend our wounds so at least we don't have to hate and be bitter towards eachother. because that is the last thing that i want. well i am done with that now....
there is a lot more that i have on my mind, but i figure that i will just talk about them later when i have more time and my mind isn't so clouded with all these other thoughts. bye bye for now, and i love ya'll.
~love always and forever~
**amy**