Is This Thing Still On?
I am actually amazed that this thing still exists. I was half expecting it not to. If people check it? Well that is a whole other story. How fun it's been to relive what seems to be my exactly-the-same-and-pathetic-as-ever life. Though it's been over 3 years since I have updated, most things, at least the super important ones, have not changed at all. I think that's super sad. What I wouldn't give for one of those thigns to have changed, at least for the better. I guess I can say they've changed for the worse. Still not dating anyone. Still broke. Still living in an apartment (albeit a nice one, though very expensive). Still a work-a-holic. Still no super close friends. I seem to be that one that is not worth fighting for. Surprise, surprise. It doesn't help that I, despite my best efforts to the contrary, am more jealous than I'd like to admit of each and every one of them. They all have the one thing I would give anything for. And I am not just saying that. I would give anything to have that one person that I can count on for support, encouragement, and even just a simple hug at the end of one of my many long, and exhausting days. I try to smile through the jealousy, but I fear that I have never been good at hiding it. The older I get, the harder it is to mask the feelings- they just manifest themselves through my tears, that are beginning to fall more freely with the passing of each and every day. Distance, in the case of friendships, does not in fact make the heart grow fonder. Now I watch Facebook feeds and learn of their life details through daily posts and pictures I once used to be part of. I don't blame them, it's just difficult. I think I have always been that one that tried super hard to make things work that I have finally given up. It could be because I have walls that are three times the height of the Empire State Building up around my heart. I have never found it easy to let people in. Daddy issues. The ones that I have let in have hurt me so badly that I refuse to even consider letting the walls fall. I just can't deal with the disappointment that ensues. But I am left with the longing that one day, my knight in shining armor will find me and make everything I have gone through seem like a distant memory. Sad that I put that much weight on one thing, but, no matter how hard I try, I can't help feeling like that one piece really would make all the difference in the world. Eh, one day....