Old Gay Man
I am a strong heterosexual male in the prime of my virility and prowess. Still, I find myself lately being drawn in by the sweet siren song of the gay man. Now, please dear readers, do not be confused. I do not mean by this statement that I wish to engage in sexual relations with a gay guy. I assure you that I do not. However, while watching consecutive new episodes of “America’s Next Top Model” and “Project Runway” with several close female friends, an unmistakable desire suddenly burst into my heart and took control of my mind:
I want to have an old gay man for a pet.
Don’t even try and tell me that this wouldn’t be awesome! You know it would. I’d get him a cute collar and take him for walks in the park. I’d keep him leashed, of course. But just think of all the girls who would come my way! I know a lot of chicks could probably resist a poodle or something. But what girl could resist an old gay man being led around by an adorable hunk of burning love such as I? Not one, I tell ya. Not one!
I shared this desire of mine with the girls I was watching the two shows with and they just laughed. Surely, they must have thought that I jest. Well, I am here today to assure you that I most certainly do not! In fact, I already have a name picked out. Well, two, actually. I just can’t decide if I want my old gay man pet to be named Lance or Gabriel. Decisions, decisions!
I just can’t wait! We’re going to have so much fun together. I’ll take him out in the yard and wrestle around with him in the grass. We’d play fetch. Heck, I’ll teach him tricks and feed him Hershey’s Kisses as treats. I’d even let him lick my fingers of the excess chocolate! And late at night when we’re watching television together, I’ll let him lay on my lap so I can rub his belly. It’s gonna be so awesome!
My only real concern is what the neighbors will say. I mean, of course, I’m going to have to let him outside from time to time to go to the bathroom. Peeing shouldn’t be too much of a problem for my old gay man pet. After all, there are plenty of trees and fire hydrants around. But what if he should escape the yard and take a big poop on someone’s lawn? They’re going to know it was my old gay man. I sincerely doubt the dogs and cats in this area will be fed dishes containing corn. Plus, the sheer size of the pile would likely give him away. Oh well. If they just ring the doorbell and alert me, I’ll gladly clean it up. Hopefully they won’t be too angry with me.
Now I don’t know if it’s true or not (because I’ve never had an old gay man as a pet before) but they probably like playing with kids. There are plenty of children that live on my street. I think my new pet would probably enjoy running around with them. I just hope my old gay man doesn’t get overly excited and start humping one of their legs. That could cause a problem. I suppose I’ll have to watch him pretty close, huh?
Now, I assure you, I am a responsible pet owner. So for any of you reading this who think having an old gay man would be too overwhelming for me: Relax. I’ve got it under control. However, I do want you to know that I appreciate your concern and am open to any advice you can give me. I’m especially eager to hear from anyone else who has had an old gay man for a pet. Are they as playful as I think they are? Is there anything in particular I should watch out for? What about vaccines?
Oh boy oh boy! I’m just so excited!
I want to have an old gay man for a pet.
Don’t even try and tell me that this wouldn’t be awesome! You know it would. I’d get him a cute collar and take him for walks in the park. I’d keep him leashed, of course. But just think of all the girls who would come my way! I know a lot of chicks could probably resist a poodle or something. But what girl could resist an old gay man being led around by an adorable hunk of burning love such as I? Not one, I tell ya. Not one!
I shared this desire of mine with the girls I was watching the two shows with and they just laughed. Surely, they must have thought that I jest. Well, I am here today to assure you that I most certainly do not! In fact, I already have a name picked out. Well, two, actually. I just can’t decide if I want my old gay man pet to be named Lance or Gabriel. Decisions, decisions!
I just can’t wait! We’re going to have so much fun together. I’ll take him out in the yard and wrestle around with him in the grass. We’d play fetch. Heck, I’ll teach him tricks and feed him Hershey’s Kisses as treats. I’d even let him lick my fingers of the excess chocolate! And late at night when we’re watching television together, I’ll let him lay on my lap so I can rub his belly. It’s gonna be so awesome!
My only real concern is what the neighbors will say. I mean, of course, I’m going to have to let him outside from time to time to go to the bathroom. Peeing shouldn’t be too much of a problem for my old gay man pet. After all, there are plenty of trees and fire hydrants around. But what if he should escape the yard and take a big poop on someone’s lawn? They’re going to know it was my old gay man. I sincerely doubt the dogs and cats in this area will be fed dishes containing corn. Plus, the sheer size of the pile would likely give him away. Oh well. If they just ring the doorbell and alert me, I’ll gladly clean it up. Hopefully they won’t be too angry with me.
Now I don’t know if it’s true or not (because I’ve never had an old gay man as a pet before) but they probably like playing with kids. There are plenty of children that live on my street. I think my new pet would probably enjoy running around with them. I just hope my old gay man doesn’t get overly excited and start humping one of their legs. That could cause a problem. I suppose I’ll have to watch him pretty close, huh?
Now, I assure you, I am a responsible pet owner. So for any of you reading this who think having an old gay man would be too overwhelming for me: Relax. I’ve got it under control. However, I do want you to know that I appreciate your concern and am open to any advice you can give me. I’m especially eager to hear from anyone else who has had an old gay man for a pet. Are they as playful as I think they are? Is there anything in particular I should watch out for? What about vaccines?
Oh boy oh boy! I’m just so excited!