(no subject)

[koriemo]

I'm so frustrated. I just spent the night studying at Ellen's house. I came late because I was going out to coffee with Stella, and I left early because I was tired to studying. I'm worried that I won't do well on the test tomorrow. I'm worried that I won't be prepared. Mostly, I'm worried that I'll feel stupid about not doing well compared to my friends. I mean, I used to compare myself to them ALL the time. But really, we have different priorities in life, and as much as I try, I can't make mine to be like theirs. Over the summer I feel like I've become so much more confident, less jealous, and just more mature. But I still feel stupid about this stuff. It's not even like they're my close friends anymore, so it's not even like I should care. I'm just kinda worried about feeling inferior. For my entire life, up until middle school, I grasped oh so tightly onto my little "reputation" of being a "good kid". It mattered SO much to me that people didn't find out that some things in my life weren't perfect. I hate doing things that I'm bad at. I didn't consider myself perfect or anything, I just felt like "these types of things don't happen in good families". Things meaning in regards to my dad, mostly. It REALLY bothered me when I was younger. It still even bothers me now, even though I try so hard to talk about it all the time to make it not such a big deal. Even though I hate him so I won't be sad if he goes to jail. I have alot of resentment towards him for making me worry when I was younger, but honestly, I still worry. I'm not sure really what I worry about now, specifically. Partially I still worry about everyone knowing. Like, I know I talk about it to my friends, but I'd be so humiliated if my family and family friends and stuff found out about that crap. I don't worry so much about him going to jail and not being around as I do about the aftermath. I mean, it's not even like it's going to happen...I know he won't go to jail, go to rehab, but I so don't want people to know. I don't even know why I care so much. I'm just still stuck with the idea that stuff like that doesn't happen to good kids in good families. I think that's why I was so rebellious in middle school. Besides wanting attention, I felt like I couldn't keep doing the whole "good" thing any longer. Like if my dad wasn't "good", then I didn't have to be either. If you read the first couple months of my LJ entries, it's like I was a different person...and I WAS. I just somehow got back with, and obsessed with, being "good". I even always tell myself I'm being a bad kid or a stupid kid when I do things that aren't like, good. Um seriously, what's wrong with me? I'm embarressed of myself and my beliefs. I sometimes want to stop trying, just go back to being reckless and how things were. I'm not in a really bad mood right now, I'm just really frustrated with myself. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing and I think I'm doing the right things for the wrong reasons. I feel like I'm not honest with myself about alot of things nad I'm sick of not being "real". And I'm kinda proud of myself for writing this and actually writing something people are going to see, even if it's only a couple. I'm just so not used to talking about anything. Whenever I share anything remotely personal about my life I get so embaressed thinking about it later. I kinda feel like there's more things I'd like to type but I don't want to feel bad about it later. I also feel like I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Like someone who would understand, or even pretend to understand! I could handle that! There's so much inside here. Sometimes i feel normal and adjusted, and then another day it's like I realize all the things that are behind the everyday thoughts and feelings. I'm so good at ignoring my past, my inner conscience. It's like all the stuff didn't even happen. And then I'm suddenly in a position where it's all so evident, and it was a position that should be normal! I'm not normal, but I'm taking comfort in that I think I'm not normal in a normal way. OR maybe not?

I feel like such a teenager.

Man.