You’re Bad, Oppa
I can’t sleep. It’s already 1 am and I know that we still have some recordings to do later. It’s been bugging me, what if I see him again? Oh yeah, I forgot, I’ll always see him. Like every damn hour of everyday, since we’re preparing like nuts for our 1st full-length album.
“CL-roo, will you please stop moving? Tamtam and I can’t sleep.” I heard Dara unnie ranted as she nudged the ladder. We’re still sleeping on our double-decks and as before, she’s the one on the second level.
“Dara unnie, sorry.” I finally told her, hoping she’ll be in deep slumber in no time. I need to gather my thoughts, I need to stop crying.
But how can I? When all I can remember is his reaction with what happened the other day… and with the letter I gave him. Did he read it already? Will he… will he accept me?
Flashback
“Teddy-oppa.” I smiled at him shyly. He looked at me, and then he smirked. Probably he’s thinking I’m fangirling over him again. Yes, maybe, but this time it’ll be different. This time, I’ll be real.
“Yes, my CL-roo? Chaerinnie? C to the L? What else would you like me to call you?” Oppa said as he was playfully swinging his chair. Oppa, can you face me?
“Oppa, why don’t you face me? Am I an eyesore to you? Aisht, just because you’re pretty, you’re a snob now?” I teased him. But deep inside, I was hurting. Why can’t he let me his beautiful face?
Then in that instant, it’s as if he heard my silent cries that he finally faced me. Something’s different today, he’s not wearing his “double” caps now, and he… he looks like he had no sleep for days.
Maybe he saw the worried look on my face, for he slowly approached me and patted my head.
“Ah, CL-roo, thanks for dropping by, neh? You’re always there admiring me, but the truth is, I’m not admirable at all. I don’t deserve all those praises.” I was surprised to see him drunk. He doesn’t smell like alcohol yet, but I’m sure he’s already intoxicated.
“Oppa, why are you talking like that? Those are n-nonsense.” I feel like crying now, I can never bear the pain seeing my one and only love in pain too.
“Ah… Chaerin, you’ll never understand. Wonder why all your songs is about heartbreak? Huh, it’s because I’m brokenhearted! Ha-ha!” I snapped back to my senses, my oppa… is brokenhearted? Why? Who? When? I wanted to ask so many questions, yet, I’ve remained silent… speechless.
“Chaerin… you’re so lucky. You have your youth; you can still look for THE one. While me, I’m slowly aging, in no time, all my colleagues will be marrying, Jiyong and Dara, Kush and Rie, Gummy and Choice, even our president’s married now. I’m all alone! Hello world! Can I marry you?” Teddy oppa kept on shouting until he finally collapses at the studio’s sofa. I wanted to comfort him, I wanted to touch him, but I can’t.
“Oppa, I-I’ll call Jiyong oppa. Wait-“ I was not able to finish what I was about to say, for oppa quickly pulled me towards him, only to kiss me. I- I cannot breathe…
“Chaerin, if you’re only as old as Dara, I would have already proposed to you.” He said, finally breaking the kiss. I was still in shock but before I could reply, I found him already sleeping while his hands are still intertwined with mine.
I looked at him, told him my real feelings, if he could only hear me. I felt tears flowing from my eyes now. I slowly wiped my tears, as I studied carefully oppa’s features. His nose, his lips, how soft they were.
I suddenly remembered my main purpose for visiting oppa. I have to give him my letter, in it is everything that I wanted to tell him, but I simply can’t.
Just in time, I’ve heard some noise in the hallway. I bet they’re the Big Bang oppas for they were scheduled for recording today. I quickly slid my letter to oppa’s side pocket. Secretly reassuring myself that everything’s gonna be alright. Isn’t it?
End of Flashback
Day of recording
“Wassup?!!” Teddy oppa greeted us, I hesitated as I walked towards him, but he suddenly pulled me away from the group.
“C to the L… we need to talk.” He firmly told me, as I felt his grip on my arm loosens.
“Oppa…”
“Hey everyone! Would you mind if I borrow your baddest female first? We need to talk about her solo on your album.” He winked at the others. But I knew that there’s something wrong, for his genuine smile is nowhere in sight.
“Of course you can borrow my CL-wifey, but don’t forget to return her to me, alright?” Dara unnie threw a knowing smile at me. I felt uneasy for I know she knows something.
“Alright! We’ll be back in an hour I guess. For now, I’ll leave you three to Jiyong.” He said as he dragged me towards the door. I am having a mixture of emotions right now. I know this has something to do with the letter… and our … but he was intoxicated. He can’t probably remember that.
“And lastly, Jiyong… behave!” My train of thought was cut short as he threw a glare towards Jiyong oppa. I was shocked as I saw Jiyong oppa already kissing Dara unnie. As much as I wanted to strangle him for taking an advantage towards my wifey, I’m too preoccupied with my own concerns as well.
“Off we go.” I heard him sigh.
We drove for almost 10 minutes until we reached the park. The park is now deserted for it is an untimely hour for some stroll. It was noon, and the scorching heat of the sun is not amusing at all. But the pain that I’ve been feeling can never be compared as to how the silence between the two of us is killing me.
“So, you like me huh?” He finally broke the deadly silence between the two of us. I felt myself blush with what he just said.
“Y-yes oppa, I like you. No… I think… I- love you.” I just blurted it out. I just need to release this feeling, this longing…
“CL… Chaerin. About the other day, I’m really sorry. Yes, I’m aware of what I’ve done, and I’m really sorry.” He cupped my face and looked at me, straight to my eyes.
“N-no. Oppa, don’t feel sorry about it. It’s-it’s what I’ve been wanting.”
“No. This is wrong Chaerin. I’m too old for you.”
“But..but oppa, age doesn’t matter, right?” I feel like there’s a huge lump on my throat. It’s getting harder and harder to talk.
“No, you see. I can never love you back. I’m in love with someone else.” He looked away. He turned around and now his back is facing me. I suddenly felt the urge to hug him, and so, I did.
“No, oppa! You’ll learn to love me. You’ve been hurt, by that same woman, and yet… and yet you’re still with her? How?” I fumed as I continuously wet his shirt with my tears.
“Chaerin, that is how love works. You fight, you lose, you fight for it again. You were never in love with me. You simply admire me. Which I consider as cute.” He winked at me. I - I can’t take this anymore.
“How can you be so sure? Are you the owner of this heart? You’ll never be the one who waits in the cafeteria just to see you arrive. You’ll never be the one who tries to compose her own songs just to help you. You’ll never be the one who dreams about you, who cares for you. You’ll never be me. Thus, stop acting like you know my feelings.” I broke down, and cried. I felt him slumped to carry me. I thought we’ll go somewhere else, but to my disappointment, we’re just back at YGE building.
...
“Chaerin, I’ve read your letter. You don’t know how much it touched me, seeing someone that I admire also likes me. But Chaerin, this is not love. Believe me, for I have more experience than you. You’ll find someone more suited for you. Someday.” He grabbed my arm and led me towards the studio.
We continued recording like nothing happened. As the day closes, a chapter of my life also started to close. That is when I fell in love, with my oppa. A bad oppa.
A/N: And so I was inspired by this (hope you like it):
www.youtube.com/watch