Kudos
So I was reading Penny Arcade and apparently people are complaining about the new Nintendo system, the Wii (pronouced "weee" and not "why", although that second one would've been more fitting), specifically complaining that the controllers for the system are dangerous and safety hazards. People have complained to the point where Nintendo is now sending out free replacement straps that secure the controller to the player's wrist.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Wii, the controllers for this system more closely resemble a TV remote controller then your traditional video game controller. Basically, it's 2 slender remotes, one held in each hand. There is a small cord that connects the 2 remotes, and there are straps you tie around your wrists to keep the things from flying out of your hand.
OK, so I thought I'd go an find a picture of the Wii controllers, since I don't have the most faith in my ability to describe things. Besides, pictures are pretty.
The straps aren't shown in this picture, but they are included because the remotes are motion sensitvie. So if your playing the new Zelda game and you want Link to swing his sword, you swing the remote as you would an acutal sword. Amazing! If you're playing the Wii boxing game, just hold the controller and simulate a punching motion in order to make your character deliver a punch. Incredible! I assume the reasoning behind this gimmick was to encourage more physical activity while playing video games and such.
Whenever I think about that I can't help but recall something I read years agon on seanbaby.com, a website that pokes fun of the original Nintendo system. This particular piece was talking about a pad that was released way back in the day. It's basically the same thing as what is used for the Dance Dance Revolution games nowadays, a big pad that you press the buttons by stepping on them. Only back then it was released for some track and field game or some such. Anyway, the idea was that you ran on the pad and it made your character run, thus getting a healthy workout whilst enjoying video game goodness. However, the writer pointed out that it was much easier to get your runner going at incredible speeds by sitting infront of the pad and simply slapping it with your hands like you would a bongo drum. But I digress.
Anyway, back on topic. People have been complaining about the Wii remotes, claiming that they can easily slip out of your hands and go flying, damaging property and injuring players or those in their vicinity. I have a technical term for people like that: fucktard. Seriously, what's wrong with people! Safety hazard?! There isn't even enough wire on this thing for an infant to accidentally strangle itself with! If these people can't handle one of these remotes without causing bodily harm to themselves or others then they should be restricted from using other equally dangerous tools. Things like, for example, butter knives. Or safety scissors barely capable of cutting cardboard paper. Or rubber balls. Seriously. If you get so over enthusiatic swinging a remote control around that you manage to fling it out of your hand with such force that it embeds itself into your drywall, then you don't need a more secure strap to tie it to your wrist. You need some fucking valium, that's what you need. And if flicking your wrist around for an hour causes you to sweat so profusely or if your palms are just so naturally sweaty and greasy that the controller pops out of your hand like a wet bar of soap then you probably have to go on a diet and get some real exercise, in the case of the former, or have some bizarre glandular dysfunction that you should see a doctor about, in the case of the latter.
Just goes to show how much society has changed. Anyone familiar with lawn darts? Fifty years ago, kids were whipping metal spikes at each other and no one found this to be any particular cause for alarm. Nowadays, a lightweight piece of plastic the size of your hand that you can zip-tie to your wrist is a weapon of mass destruction.
Nintendo shouldn't be scrambling to save face. Nintendo should be standing proud, proud that they have created something that causes stupid people to harm themselves. Simple natural selection. Anyone dumb enough to damage something or someone with a Wii controller gets what they deserve. You fling that controller into your TV, then you had it coming. If you're so inept and uncoordinated that you manage to somehow jam that controller into your eye socket, then you never derserved to see in the first place.
Not that I've heard any stories of people putting out their eyes with these things, mind you. I just thought it was a funny image.
... Ahaha... maiming.
"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!..."
--Cordelia
"I realize this is a bit of a shock, but I can explain."
--Lorne
"...aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!..."
--Cordelia
"Take it easy."
--Lorne
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--Cordelia
"Okay, get it out of your system."
--Lorne
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--Cordelia
"Ahaha. That's good."
--Lorne
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--Cordelia
"You have to breathe sometime."
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"...aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!..."
--Cordelia
"Good lord, shut up, woman!"
--Lorne, Angel