from my 2015 self to my 2008 self
wow. this is like traveling back in time. or maybe it's more like coming back to your childhood house, finding it empty except for old papers and pictures strewn about. "oh, i forgot about that time...," "oh, i remember you...," "that was a nice memory..." i feel like i can say something in this room and hear the echoes of my voice.
i look back and i wrote mostly about going to school and working, this one guy i worshiped, this other new guy i met, and my father. i had so much murderous rage and confusion about my father.
to my 2008 self, my 2015 self wants to say:
"2008 self, so much is going to happen in the next few years. brace yourself. you're going to finally get through school and do some amazing things professionally. you're gonna pay your dues and end up doing things you never imagined. you're going to manage a mental health clinic. can you believe that?! that wasn't even what you planned. that guy you worshiped, you will keep in touch and eventually choose to lose touch. you will miss him greatly and will wonder about him for the rest of your life. that new guy you met, you're gonna marry him. crazy, right? you spent most of the time thinking that you will eventually leave him, but he will prove his worth to you as you've never expected. he will be there in your most distressful and vulnerable times and you will be made humble and grateful because of his patience and protection. your father will unexpectedly pass away. you thought he would live forever and you resented him for imprisoning you throughout your life. suddenly, he'll be gone and you won't believe it. you will wrestle with the ghost of your father for a long time, but you will finally get some solace from the constant pain. you will also be able to look at him in a merciful light and will be thankful that he made you who you are. what you learned from his struggles will add to your wisdom and you will end up helping many families. you will be ill for a couple of years. nothing super serious, but you will feel sick for much of two years right after your father dies and you will go to the hospital quite often. you have always neglected and abused your body for most your life and you will realize the importance of health-- mind and body-- and you will appreciate every single day when you feel even just ok or normal. another thing that will happen to you is that you will be less angry and sad. you'll be a less angrier and sadder version of your old self because you will choose to live and see things differently."
i like where i am today, but i also miss my old self so much.
i look back and i wrote mostly about going to school and working, this one guy i worshiped, this other new guy i met, and my father. i had so much murderous rage and confusion about my father.
to my 2008 self, my 2015 self wants to say:
"2008 self, so much is going to happen in the next few years. brace yourself. you're going to finally get through school and do some amazing things professionally. you're gonna pay your dues and end up doing things you never imagined. you're going to manage a mental health clinic. can you believe that?! that wasn't even what you planned. that guy you worshiped, you will keep in touch and eventually choose to lose touch. you will miss him greatly and will wonder about him for the rest of your life. that new guy you met, you're gonna marry him. crazy, right? you spent most of the time thinking that you will eventually leave him, but he will prove his worth to you as you've never expected. he will be there in your most distressful and vulnerable times and you will be made humble and grateful because of his patience and protection. your father will unexpectedly pass away. you thought he would live forever and you resented him for imprisoning you throughout your life. suddenly, he'll be gone and you won't believe it. you will wrestle with the ghost of your father for a long time, but you will finally get some solace from the constant pain. you will also be able to look at him in a merciful light and will be thankful that he made you who you are. what you learned from his struggles will add to your wisdom and you will end up helping many families. you will be ill for a couple of years. nothing super serious, but you will feel sick for much of two years right after your father dies and you will go to the hospital quite often. you have always neglected and abused your body for most your life and you will realize the importance of health-- mind and body-- and you will appreciate every single day when you feel even just ok or normal. another thing that will happen to you is that you will be less angry and sad. you'll be a less angrier and sadder version of your old self because you will choose to live and see things differently."
i like where i am today, but i also miss my old self so much.