the love of a family- loose in life's game
Lately I've been thinking about alot of things...about my future- about my family, and about myself mainly and how I ended up where I am. My brother quit work- that sucks so freakin much now- I mean I don't ever see him as it is, and I know I won't be able to see him even more now- He's gonna be so busy. He never calls me at all~! I miss him so much. I love my brother so much sometimes, I just want to run back home again, and scream at them that I'm so sorry for everything and beg them for their love again. I feel so empty without a family. It's the worest feeling in the world... not to have a family. To miss you family, and the little house you grew up in and worked so hard for. Put everything into, why is my life the way it is? I'm so stressed about school I want to go so damm bad, I hate not going to school. I'm waiting on finical aid to pick up- I miss my dad. I see him at Roberts house alot and I wish I can talk to him like I used to be able to. He's distant from me now, I hate that. I wish he would call me, but he never does. Each day I wish somebody from my family would call but they never do. I wish that I am able to go over the house without sneeking around and having my brother pissed off at me. That sucks so much. I hate that. I don't want my brother to hate me- I love him so much and I think of him all the time, I just wish I could do something with him. He's growing up with out me there. He's starting college this week. I'm so proud of him- I just wish he knew that. My mom...... I love her so much. I just wish that there was a better way for us to solve our differences. We can never work things out and we both get burnt in the end. We were too stubborn for our own good. My dad's right- I'm my mother and I don't even know it. My friends have all grown apart from me. No one calls me anymore- because they don't get along well with Joey- so they stop talking to me all together really. Huh- how fucked up is that shit?!? What type of friends are you guys? Everyone is going far away from here. No more get togethers, at least one's i'm not invited too. Why is my life falling apart? It's my punishment for doing what I did to my parents time and time again. They deserve sooooo sooo much better and I wish I could give that to them but I can't. On the outside of me you see Christina- the stubborn, make-up wearing, vain, loud mouth, wild child BUT deep down inside I'm just navie, innocent, shy , loving, kind, empty and love's her family so much more than anything on this world. I just wish I had say in what is happening now. but I don't. Until I do I will pray to God to keep me healthy and safe, and I will ask for his love to fill my empty acking heart. It bleeds everyday for something I can't have, hopefully one day I can my family back. I will pray to god everyday for my family to take me back, everyday- because deep down inside I'm just a little girl lost.