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Well lets see, its a Saturday night and I am at home writin in my journal- but ya know what, I wouldn't want it any other way. I think its just one of those days where I need to write my little heart away... either that or write a new poem.
So lately I have had a lot on my mind, dealing with a lot of different things. Each and everyday I wake up and thank God that he let me wake up, yet sometimes I feel like life would be a lot easier if I didnt. I have just been thinking so much lately about life, future, family, guys, classes, work and all the other shit inbetween.
I had to write a paper for my writing class and it had to be a radical essay (one that is unique, not in a traditional format) and so I did a recipe. The recipe I made was How to Make a Bad Relationship with your Mother. In doing this assignment, I had to face many aspects of my life that I did not want to and I had to be honest with my feelings and emotions. I had to dig into the pain that she put me through to find the best material for the paper. I feel as though I did a very well job, yet it hurts so much to be able to write a paper on this topic. I feel like by doing this paper, it opened a wound that I hadn't planned on opening, an opstical that I hadnt planned on facing. All in all, after writing it, apart of me felt a sense of relief to get it out, and another part of me felt hurt and pain.
So I have to really start concentrating on my future and my goals in which I am going to achieve. I have been so busy that I have not been giving my Graduate School future a lot of attention and I need to. I am going to start focusing on applications, recomendations, and revisions to my documents. I feel as though this will give me the "high" it did in the summer. I was so excited to leave that I didnt even think about the shit going on in my life at the current moment. It was so exciting that I didnt even care about anything else. I loved the way that I felt, and I need to get to that point again. I am very excited to leave and there is really not to many things that are holding me back so therefore I should be more excited about grad school. Florida International is the next application that I will be turning in and so thats pretty exciting because they have Phi Sigs there!
Guys right now are something that I do NOT need to be thinking about, worrying about, or stessing about! Things with me and Markus didnt workout. Sometimes I feel as though I will never find love and will be alone. I really try not to think about it, but when shit happens its hard not to think about. Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. This topic is another reason why I cannot wait to go to Grad School. I really feel that I may find someone there that is on the same level as I am, and that accepts me for who I am. The guys at Grand Valley are just not for me, I feel as though they just act a fool and dont really care what they do. I know, its not JuSt Grand Valley guys, but thats how I feel sometimes. I am sick of the games. Games are the reason why I am so protective about my emotions, if you get yourself involved with someone and they end up playing games, you are hurt. I really refuse to let myself get hurt over one person. Its hard sometimes not to let your emotions into the relationship, but I feel like I need to be extra careful with my heart. I know the consequences that I go through personally when I get hurt, and I really just dont have the energy to deal with the consequences.
Classes are going alright. I have been very sick lately so I have missed a few classes. I don't like all this crap that my body is going through and I am sick and tired of having to miss classes for doctors appointments. I have to go into the doctor in the middle of November, I really just hope that they can tell me what is going on with everything because I am just tired of it. Grades are okay, I feel like I am constantly studying and doing homework. Its like a never ending thing. I study 4 hours a day and get about 10 hours of sleep a week, its hard but I havta do it! Hopefully I will raise my GPA this semester because I really have been working hard on doing so, hopefully my hard work pays off in the end.
Work work work. Besides all that shit that is going on, work is goin... yeah that it just going... I really love workin with Devon... but thats about it. One of our workers quit and so now we have to find someone to work for her. I am really not all to worried about it, because her not being there and her being there is probably about the same- thats how hard she worked and how much she knew... yeah. So yeah I really need to work more because I am gettin way tooo broke! It so hard to do though because I have such a set schedule. Hopefully I will be able to work a few Laker Late Nights, I just have to talk to Christien. Really I would rather be working right now... oh well what can ya do???
Well I am very happy that I got that all out! phew, I can go on!!! lol