feeling tired
well in less then 1 day i turn 23. it doesnt sound bad but when i think or look back on what ive done with my life up to this point im sad, i never got the when i was in school to ask any girl out and the few times that i did i was turned down...who knows maybe i was asking the wrong girls. maybe there was girls that like me that i knew and liked also but never thought of them that way cuz we were good friends. maybe i looked them by never knowing that i might find a moment of happiness in my chaotic world of life. lets look back at what ive done since high school ive had 4 jobs all deal with either retail or food!! i got my AA in general studies but got a C average for my years at college and thats at a community college. ive only dropped one class in that time but ive had 4 or 5 Ds. what is wrong with this you ask...ive never tried!!! not once in my life have i felt the drive to achieve something greater for myself...
i live in malcontent and yet i dont do anything to improve upon it. i could write if i wanted to.. i know i could. i could be a writer or if i really applied myself i could probably get a degree in teaching history, science or biology, i love all of these fields yet i have a problem in the way that i communicate with others what i know. i stumble along my words like a man being told to dance by a black hatted cowboy(they were bad guys in old cowboy movies).
ive thought about posting a short story that i wrote for college but im afraid at what people will say towards it. i say this for the fact that ive thought about turning it into a novel.
ive even thought about getting into politics. i think i could be president if i tried ^_- i could only be better then bush lol. hell im smarter then that cow turd lol.
i am losing my drive and i dont know if this is do to depression... or if it is do to a thought that i need something wonderful in my life. or in other words if i had a wonderful woman that i could spend my days with. i think i am looking too hard at this wish hoping that i will meet her someday but eh i havent yet and not sure if i ever will. i am losing myself to a self deprived dream of unreality that i can no longer hold onto.
as i was once told i am mister emotionless. i dont show my emotions to people in order so that they will not know how to hurt me. i do this in order....i do this to my own knowledge so that i can save myself the heart ache even tho it only causes me new and even deeper pains than i should have to deal with.
as i said in a comment post to emmy i feel empty and i dont know how to fill it or what to fill it with. i cant wish it to be full. i cant hope it to fill itself. i dont even know what ive ultimately done to do this to myself.
i sometimes want to lash out and hurt those for no reason or at time in retaliation to something that hurts me. but for those of you who know me all i have to do is ask you when i have ever done that. there are not that many times in my life that you will find it. that is unless you are my family lol. i dont know why but i feel more comfortable to beable to lash out at them then at anyone else. i think this is do to the fact that i feel they have more right to belittle me more than anyone else so i take there slights that much more seriously then other people.
so....another long rant by me jon(silver wings) or koral neshtu and for those that i have not told what that means ill tell you now. koral neshtu....child of the broken skies. all of these names fit me and are me. well i think im going to bed now i need to be up later today around noon or 1 for a wedding and then i need to start preparing for my bday. and then with my bday money i need to figure out where i am going to get my next tattoo. and i dont mean where on my body i mean at what tattoo artist abode will i be geting it.
i live in malcontent and yet i dont do anything to improve upon it. i could write if i wanted to.. i know i could. i could be a writer or if i really applied myself i could probably get a degree in teaching history, science or biology, i love all of these fields yet i have a problem in the way that i communicate with others what i know. i stumble along my words like a man being told to dance by a black hatted cowboy(they were bad guys in old cowboy movies).
ive thought about posting a short story that i wrote for college but im afraid at what people will say towards it. i say this for the fact that ive thought about turning it into a novel.
ive even thought about getting into politics. i think i could be president if i tried ^_- i could only be better then bush lol. hell im smarter then that cow turd lol.
i am losing my drive and i dont know if this is do to depression... or if it is do to a thought that i need something wonderful in my life. or in other words if i had a wonderful woman that i could spend my days with. i think i am looking too hard at this wish hoping that i will meet her someday but eh i havent yet and not sure if i ever will. i am losing myself to a self deprived dream of unreality that i can no longer hold onto.
as i was once told i am mister emotionless. i dont show my emotions to people in order so that they will not know how to hurt me. i do this in order....i do this to my own knowledge so that i can save myself the heart ache even tho it only causes me new and even deeper pains than i should have to deal with.
as i said in a comment post to emmy i feel empty and i dont know how to fill it or what to fill it with. i cant wish it to be full. i cant hope it to fill itself. i dont even know what ive ultimately done to do this to myself.
i sometimes want to lash out and hurt those for no reason or at time in retaliation to something that hurts me. but for those of you who know me all i have to do is ask you when i have ever done that. there are not that many times in my life that you will find it. that is unless you are my family lol. i dont know why but i feel more comfortable to beable to lash out at them then at anyone else. i think this is do to the fact that i feel they have more right to belittle me more than anyone else so i take there slights that much more seriously then other people.
so....another long rant by me jon(silver wings) or koral neshtu and for those that i have not told what that means ill tell you now. koral neshtu....child of the broken skies. all of these names fit me and are me. well i think im going to bed now i need to be up later today around noon or 1 for a wedding and then i need to start preparing for my bday. and then with my bday money i need to figure out where i am going to get my next tattoo. and i dont mean where on my body i mean at what tattoo artist abode will i be geting it.