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You know, it's been a while since I've experienced heartache. It's a sensation I thought I had managed to leave behind, and one I didn't think I'd ever have the opportunity to come across again. However, I find myself in a state of heartache once again, and... well, it's different this time
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First of all...*super giant hug*
Heartache is a part of life...and you should be finding it in places that have nothing to do with love between people. Whether you experience it is dictated by whether or not you bother to feel it.
Anyway, that's not what this is about.
Your approach to this strikes me as very self-involved and it's not a wonder you are having a hard time. You aren't clueless, my dear...you know exactly what's going on...you wrote it all in your entry. She, and no other girl for that matter, will expect you to live up to your own definition of perfection. By concerning youself with what she thinks of you, you are changing yourself. Have you considered the idea that maybe she likes you just the way you are? It's the old fistful of sand metaphor...try too hard and it disappears.
You are never going to totally avoid the whirlpool, decidedly...but you have to decide if it is worth the effort to fight the current. Furthermore, it helps to be honest. Ask her...share your thoughts with her. It is possible to be friends and romantically involved at the same time, you know. I recommend it. :)
Here are two quotes that immediately came to mind when I read this entry...
"Don't lose yourself in your fear." ~Hanson (my personal mantra)
"The bottom line is (a) that people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." ~Tom Robbins
I hope that wasn't obnoxious.
*hugs* Good luck. :)
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