a day-after-nothankstaking reflection
i have been so ridiculously depressed. even though on the surface i am a lot better than i have been in years in terms of eating (i almost always eat breaky, lunch, and dinner and have been able to string a few days together without b/ping more often), inside i feel more and more hopeless all the time.
i love the world, especially the natural world, with all my heart and soul but i don't get to spend much time there. people are everywhere, and more of them every day. i don't know how to act around them. i don't want to have to act around them.
i am so easily lost in hopelessness.
disordered eating has split me into two distant poles.
it is the only thing i want, and the last thing i want. all at once.
i am stuck in this duality. having to leap over the gap in my self to reach another part of me, always feeling so slighted by and far away from my self. my center is an evasive, slippery thing.
i am weak in body despite my counter-intuitive health conscious obsession when i do not have my head in the toilet.
it is at times eating me alive. always eating away at my soul.
dark moods constantly contrast with my natural exuberance over life. life blows my mind, but, it's still just fucking me all the same.
i am conflict & concord. a system with parts that rub and chafe against each other.
the betrayal and manipulation my last relationship affected me with gets harder to deal with as time has passed. this is rather backwards, i think. don't wounds heal with time? why does he invade my thoughts more and more as the fact goes farther into my past?
why do i get angrier and angrier in my thoughts and feelings with each passing day? i am not of an angry disposition.
why don't i want to be touched? by anyone. my current boyfriend...my parents...my friends (ha, what friends...it's not like i make any effort to keep in touch)...
why do i just want to run away from everything in my life (especially those things which i love) to be alone? i just want to be alone. left alone. for a moment/a lifetime.
guys...what do we do? i want to be delivered from all this. from the blessed curse of the present time and place.
i love the world, especially the natural world, with all my heart and soul but i don't get to spend much time there. people are everywhere, and more of them every day. i don't know how to act around them. i don't want to have to act around them.
i am so easily lost in hopelessness.
disordered eating has split me into two distant poles.
it is the only thing i want, and the last thing i want. all at once.
i am stuck in this duality. having to leap over the gap in my self to reach another part of me, always feeling so slighted by and far away from my self. my center is an evasive, slippery thing.
i am weak in body despite my counter-intuitive health conscious obsession when i do not have my head in the toilet.
it is at times eating me alive. always eating away at my soul.
dark moods constantly contrast with my natural exuberance over life. life blows my mind, but, it's still just fucking me all the same.
i am conflict & concord. a system with parts that rub and chafe against each other.
the betrayal and manipulation my last relationship affected me with gets harder to deal with as time has passed. this is rather backwards, i think. don't wounds heal with time? why does he invade my thoughts more and more as the fact goes farther into my past?
why do i get angrier and angrier in my thoughts and feelings with each passing day? i am not of an angry disposition.
why don't i want to be touched? by anyone. my current boyfriend...my parents...my friends (ha, what friends...it's not like i make any effort to keep in touch)...
why do i just want to run away from everything in my life (especially those things which i love) to be alone? i just want to be alone. left alone. for a moment/a lifetime.
guys...what do we do? i want to be delivered from all this. from the blessed curse of the present time and place.