Recap of '05' and Resolute '06'
Eric and I at home in Anchorage, AK -Christmas 2005
In all my years, I don't think I've ever had more challenges and pain than I have last year. But with that also came change and truly a test of patience.
There were several hard blows financially and relationship wise. I broke up with my then bf DJ whom I've thought to be the great salvation to my desperate (yes, desperate) need to be loved, only to be let down and feel more jaded than ever. Then there was the case of my friendship with Xith, that perhaps somehow, just as I was blind when it came to love, I was too ignorant not to figure that he was just too unstable to be regarded as a dependable and consistant confidant. Hard as it is to realize I've invested more than 5 years in that friendship, I came to the conclusion that even some friendships have their termination period. And as my financial instability came to an apex, I found hope with Geoff that led to my migration to Boston. I was promised a better life, and an even greater opportunity to perhaps initiate what him and I believed to be what was meant to be...him and I as a couple. I left my only family in DC with a heavy heart and perhaps a slight hint of doubt that things won't work out as well as things we're planned to be. I suppose challenges should be taken head on, and that's what I did when I made the decision to move. Only one of those two promises came to fruition. Indeed Geoff's been more than great about helping me out financially to get me back on the right track, but we came to a rather painful realization that a relationship between him and I would never amount to anything more than just being great friends. The flower remained a bud if you will...and in the end, was never destined to bloom. (Lord I have so many metaphors) I owe a few people explainations and even money that I have as a priority to straigthening out. And as things got somewhat bleak, I thank God every day that I had my best friends Karin and Cameron and my wonderful previous employer and close friend Russell, who were consistently cheering me on to move ahead, and were nice enough to give me sound advice as to how to press on. My cellphone's been canceled, for it is just a luxury and convinience that I can not afford nor need at the moment, and to tell you the truth, other than not being able to reach the important people in my life, it's kind of a relief to not be haunted by certain people who only brought me grief. I don't feel stretch out too thin any more. It's easier to see and hear things clearer without so much static and interruptions.
One of the highlights in '05' is having found Eric. I've come to realize that as strong and resilient as we might believe we are, we still have that need for someone special in our lives to help us stabilize. He's grown to be more to me than just the bf I thought I'd never have, he's become my hope that life will get better. Not because I have the desperate need to be loved or to belong to someone...the desperation's been long gone...but because life and love should always be shared with someone who will reciprocate and help cultivate it. I think all other failed relationships has prepared me to better asses what is indeed what I need and want in a relationship, and Eric's provided both. Him and I have thrown the rule book about what the proper protocol is when it comes to dating. And I'm even taking things a step further by throwing caution into the air and just for once living my life the way I want to live it...by MY own terms. And that's the slogan for '06'.
I'm moving to Alaska to be closer to my bf whom I love. There's not a single doubt in my mind and heart of how I feel about him otherwise. There's no ball and chain holding me down here in Boston, so why not dive into another adventure. Life's too short to try and always over analyze, and think things through, and fucking step lightly. Like Ellen says "...People try to do everything at once just so they could save more time. I don't know about you, but I don't have any more of that time. Because all we have is here and now." I'm not going through this blindly of course. Eric's helping me try and get situated, and his main priority is to get me settled and to help find me a job. I'm not letting him handle all of these of course, in part it needs me to do some action too. The job hunt has began like before. I'm goin to keep my financial strifes to a minimum by trying to get all debts paid off...and more importantly, finally get school started rather than just planning for it. I've partied too much, and perhaps Cameron's got something by making a declaration to put parties and spending to a minimum. I know I can't even afford to do such things. I'm putting myself to the grindstone to prioritize between work and the life I'm starting with Eric. We can do all the celebrating and parties later when I've got my own goals on track. I'll do all that I can to also help my best friend Karin in any way I can since I'll be closer now to her too distance wise may the help be cooking dinner for her and my godchildren ever so often, or any other menial labor she can't do.
I'm not leaving anything to "wish me luck" this time...I'm just going to fucking do it the best I can.