Who in hell substituted morning cartoons for MTV?…
*Quick PSA: EVERYONE must buy George Carlin’s new book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?. Some people like to read psychology books written by Noble Prize winners (BORING!), but I read George Carlin. He really knows what’s going on inside people’s heads, and people think of some really funny shit.*
Check this out. I’ve been bedridden, hocked up on hydrocodone (I’ve got a slight flu). After a few hours of watching television, I’m convinced this world is headed down the wrong path. The dude who runs the FCC is Colin Powell’s son, and he’s doing a terrible job. People are so afraid of Janet Jackon’s purple breast pasty that they forget about the real threats to national security like MTV and FOX’s primetime line-up. Even worse, they don’t show morning cartoons anymore. Maybe that’s why so many kids suffer from identity crisis these days, they have no quality fictional characters to aspire to…their imaginations just don’t develop the way they’re supposed to because there are no more cartoons. And BOZO The Clown was cancelled too. Fuck that!
The “Real” World? I will never understand why people enjoy watching this idiotic mess. They just create pointless hardships for themselves. The house is full of drama mommas. I can’t even begin to describe the amount of negative chi dwelling there. So what if you get searched in a club under suspicion of having a handgun? That’s not racial profiling, it’s called sustaining a safe environment. I don’t give a shit if your relationship is suffering because of your involvement on the show, get over it already. Uh-oh, you got drunk in the hot tub again? That’s fucking lame, unless you puke all over the tub, or on someone else.
You want drama? I’ll give you some. I will do everyone’s wash and mix the colors. I will invite homeless people to live in the REAL WORLD house, and tell them to sleep in my roommate’s beds. I’ll start throwing feces at people walking around outside of the house. Okay, maybe that last one is a little too much...I’d probably pay the homeless people to do that. It’d make for some awesome ratings and maybe I could end up like Puck. Yes! Just like Puck, pretending I’m a hardass in front of the camera, but being a little whiny bitch when the film stops rolling. If I was on that show, I’d totally change the face of reality television. I wouldn’t be MTV’s little monkey. I’d constantly make everyone in the house start crying, and tell them they are the front wave in television’s decline of western civilization…just like Maury Povitch.
Friday afternoon, I was watching Maury and the topic of the show is “You’ll never guess! Man or woman?” I usually go by a simple rule of thumb: If you have to think about what sex someone is, just look the other direction because you’ll probably end up with a Shanghai surprise. Maury is on NBC now, but when I used to watch on ABC it was basically a pity parade for midgets and circus freaks. I kid, I kid. But really, I was appalled daily at how he always brought on people who just wanted to live without being stared at, and he turned them into spectacles. He tried to buy their happiness by purchasing them passes to Disney World and buying them scooters. The thing Maury never mentioned was that he personally asked for the park to be closed on the days these children were supposed to go. That’s fucking horrible. At least there is some entertainment out there that carries a some ethical values...like that zombie movie about people getting killed by zombies.
I’m one of the ten or so people who still haven’t seen 28 Days Later yet. I only caught a few snippets of it last night, but I already understand the message of the film. We need to stop PETA. And all these crazy animal rights fanatics. And the people who chain themselves to trees to stop them from being cut down. Seriously people, I’d have no problem chopping through their self righteous ideology. Better yet, I’d throw them into the paper making machine so they can get re-used by other activists to make flyers. If we don’t stop these crazy people now, they’ll unleash a zombie plague like in that movie. Do you want that? I didn’t think so. Next time your friends ask you to help out the environment or protest animal testing just say, “Fuck off! I won’t help you unleash a zombie plague!”
Thanks for watching. Post #389 is officially over, but stay tuned for scenes of next week’s entry when I'll discuss dinner party etiquette, 10 things not to do in an IHOP restroom, and the wonders of caramel pumpkin pie. YUMMY!